 The David and Costello program. Listen to the rhythm of Will Osburn and his orchestra. The great song styles of Connie Haynes and Bob Matthews. And that happy, heavy, hippy little horseman, who when asked to pick the winner of the Kentucky Derby, glanced at his racing form and calmly said, Your house Tuesday night and somebody answered and said you were taking a bath. You know I'm lost already. Right at the beginning. This is no kidding. Somebody deliberately told me that you were taking a bath. Somebody said that I was taking a bath. I call up Tuesday night. Yes. Brother, did you have the wrong number? Well, look, my wife said she saw you in a tattoo parlor on Main Street this morning. What were you doing in a tattoo parlor? Well, I got lost with my girlfriend, Tessie Tinfoil. Yes. You know the one that's in the army? Yeah. So I had a picture tattooed on my back. You had Tessie's picture tattooed on your back? Oh, yeah. Sure. And I had me tattooed on my chest. Look. See it? Well, Costello, I don't see you on your chest. Am I back there with Tessie again? Talk says, Costello. I understand that Tessie is going to get out of the army next week. Oh, that's right, Abbott. And she's going back to her old job posing for a designer. He uses Tessie's knees for models. He uses Tessie's knees for models. What does he design? Door knobs. Door knobs. Wait a minute. Costello. Costello, just a minute. Turn around. Let me see that picture of Tessie on your back. Go ahead. Turn around. Ah-ha! I thought so. She's nocneyed. Tessie is not nocneyed. Well, her knees are touching. She just stands that way. Of course, she hasn't got any gutters. Look, Costello, if you... Costello, if you're so crazy about Tessie, why don't you marry her? Well, I don't believe in marriage, Abbott. Marriage is like soup. Marriage is like soup? Sure. But the time you get through spooning, it cools off. That's ridiculous. Well, always Abbott. You know, I don't know if Tessie wants to marry me or not. You see, she's also in love with nine other guys. Tessie is in love with you and nine other guys? Yeah. You should have been there the day Tessie left for the army. What do you mean? It was beautiful. The ten of us chipped in a butter and engagement ring. Wait a minute. I understand you had a little spat with Tessie before she left. Well, what was it about? She got mad at me because I stole a kiss. Oh, now that's silly. Why should Tessie get married because you stole a kiss? I stole it from her sister. And you know something? That's the first girl I kissed since last Christmas. Oh, Costello, you mean that from last Christmas till now you've kissed just one girl? How do you come for that? Oh, I guess I'm just a wolf. I can see that. I'm an old stew to baker. I'll go like this. All right. Just cut that out, Costello. The trouble with you is that you wear your heart on your sleeve. That's a lie. I might have a little liver and onions on my vest and a smudge of tapioca on my trousers, but I ain't got no heart on my sleeve. No, no, Costello. I only meant that you are fickle. I'm what? You're fickle. Fickle. I never touched a stuff. I've never been fickled in my life. Oh, look. I'm not referring to drinking. I'm referring to love. Do you know what love is? Oh, sure. Little pigeons make love. Butterflies make love. Yes. Oysters make love. Wait a minute. Oysters make love. You'd be surprised what goes on inside them shells. No. Costello, you don't appreciate romance. You know, you don't. Really, Lo. You don't appreciate romance at all. Oh, when I was courting my wife, there was a big grandfather's clock in the living room. You used to sit and listen to a tick and it said, Take your time. Take your time. Take your time. Yeah, but things are different now, Abbot. Today, when a fellow sits in Apollo with his girl, there's an alarm clock on a mantle that says, Get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together. I'll never forget that old grandfather's clock. It's a great memory, though, that old grandfather's clock. Because they were married at Stubb. Stubb? Yeah. Your wife must have looked at it. I guess... Wait a minute. Are you insinuating that my wife's face would stop at clock? It's not running, is it? It. Look, forget about the clock, Castella. What happened to your romance with that tall red-headed girl? Oh, you mean lean against her? Yes. Oh, Abbot. We're married and happy. Married and happy? Yes, she's married and I'm happy. I'm glad she married somebody else. The only reason you wanted to marry her was for her money. Well, marrying for money is better than getting married for no reason at all. No. Castella, when I married my wife, everyone said it was a perfect match. Match is right. It's not like a light. Well, at least I'm not henpecked. Henpecked? Before you were married, you used to snore on your sleep. Now you're cackled. No, no, no. That's not true. Before I was married, everything was lovely. I'd sneak into the parlor and I'd catch her in my arms. Now you're sneaking into the bedroom and catching her in your pockets. Oh, forget about my marriage, Castella. I'd like to get you straightened out. Now, Tessie Tinfoil is not the girl for you. Tessie is to, uh, blase. To what? Blase. Tessie's to blase. Blase. Tessie's got a red blase and a green blase. And she's got a yellow blase. She wears them with her, her checkered shirtay. Skirtay. Under the coatay of her suitay. No, no, no, no, no. There's too many things. No, no, no, no. Don't say it yet, dummy. When I say she's blase, I mean, uh, Tessie's sophisticated. Sophisticated. That's right. How do you like that? And she promised to me that she'd stay on the wagon. Listen, you hear me? Please. When I say a girl's blase, I'm not referring to her clothes. Anyone who is blase is sophisticated. Sophisticated has nothing to do with being inebriated. It merely means that a person has reached a degree of sophistication. Where he or she becomes blase. Oh, when you say a girl's blase, you're not referring to her clothes. No. And anyone who is blase is sophisticated. And sophisticated has nothing to do with being inebriated. It merely means that a person has reached a degree of sophistication, where he or she becomes blase. Now you've got it. Now I- I don't even know what I'm talking about! Get her out of here! And now here's that romantic Bob Matthews. Uh, and I don't- If we had a telephone call, we could call up some girls. If we had a nickel. And if we knew any girls. There you go again, girls, girls, girls. Can't you think of anything better than girls? There's something better. Oh, look, Costella. Hey, there's Connie Haynes. Why don't you ask her if she'd like to go to the beach? Okay. Oh, Connie! Hey, Connie, how would you like to go to the beach with me, huh? Well, Mr. Costello, honey, I don't know if I should. I suppose you all want to teach me how to swim. Oh, nothing like that. Oh, gee, willikers, no. I mean, after all, I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I promise I won't. Then what do we go- You're certainly gonna turn down fast by Connie. Well, maybe she's sure because I broke a date with her Saturday night. I was supposed to meet her at 7 o'clock. What happened? I waited around till 11, she didn't come, so I just stood her up, that's all. I wish Connie would go to the beach with us because she's got the cutest bathing suit. What's it like? It's made of two pieces of string held together by a handkerchief. It's too bad Connie's not going. Come on, get your trunks, Costella, and let's go to the beach. My trunks? Yes. Why should I take my trunks? Don't move, I just want to go swimming. Well, you're swimming trunks, don't you? I do not. I swim in a water just like anybody else. Never mind. I'll rent you a swimming suit. Would you wear a rented suit? That depends where it's rented. In the size of the rent. No, no, come on, Costella. Let's get started. I'll get some lotion to rub on you so you won't have sunburn. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, Abbott. I never burn. I just take a nice, healthy, even blister. Well, you're out, so get into your suit. Ah, isn't the beach beautiful? Just look at the birds flying over the water. Oh, I wrote a poem about them birds. I'll recite it. Go ahead. A wonderful bird is the seagull, which can fly quite as high as an eagle. They sit on the sand, and sometimes they stand. But you can't tell a he from a seagull. Hey, hey, Costella, here comes a cop. Private beach, you can't swim here. It's against the law. Why don't you tell me before I got undressed? Well, there's no law against undressing. Look, let's go, look, let's go, let's go over beyond those ropes, Costella. That's the public beach. Look at that beautiful redhead. I'm going over there and teach her to swim. Suppose she knows how to swim. Then I'll let her teach me. Give me my pay out of shovel. Right here is the spot where I covered Ruby pool cue up with the sand last Sunday. Well, what do you want your shovel for now? Well, I figure it's about time to dig her up. Love, Costella. Hey, look at that fat lady in that rubber bathing suit. Oh, them rubber bathing suits. They're made for fat ladies. They got a five-way stretch. Five-way stretch? Yeah, up and down, back and forth, and a shelf to take care of the surplus. Hey, Costella. Look at the man over there feeding donuts to his horse. Can you imagine that? Hey, you mister, what's the idea of giving all them donuts to your horse? I just want to see how many he'll eat before he asks for a cup of coffee. Hey, what are you doing on a beach with that horse? Well, you see, I came down here to go swim. To go swim. To go swim. Swimming? No, fishing. Did you, uh, catch anything? No. Do you see, my wife was with me, and the fish took one look at her. When they saw how badly I was hooked, they wouldn't bite at all. Never mind him, Costella. Why don't you go into the water? You've always bragged to me that you were such a great life-saving horse. I am a great life-saving rabbit, and I'll prove it to you. I can save anybody. Anybody at all. Anybody want to be saved? Anybody? He'll die. Now, look, Costella, stay close to the water. Stay close to the life-boy. Stay close to what? The boy. Stay close to the boy. That's the safest thing. Stay close to the boy. That may be the safest thing, but if you want to have some fun, you've got to stay close to the girls. Costella, girls have nothing to do with this kind of a boy. The kind of a boy I mean will keep you up. Well, what do you know? What is the boy's name? No, the boy has no name. It's just a plain red and white boy. Tell me, this boy is anchored to a sandbar, and it has a bell. What is that bell boy doing in the park? Nothing. The boy is not in the bar. The boy is on the bar. He'd probably crawl up there to steal some pretzels. No, no, no. That's you, Inversfield. That boy is on the bar to keep people from going on the rocks. So, he finally learned his lesson. Why didn't his mother keep mad at that boy? This boy hasn't got a mother. Hasn't got a mother? No. That's gone too far. I didn't mind when you said that the girls will have nothing to do with this poor boy. And I was only mildly surprised when you told me that he was half red and half white. I said nothing when you pushed him up on top of that bar to steal pretzels when the bartender's back was turned. But when you tell me that that poor boy has no name and no mother, you have not medical home, but you have... Pains on stage now with Will Osman and the orchestra. Connie sings... Good, good, good. That's you, that's you. Nice, nice, nice. That's you, that's you. That's you, that's you. Good, good, good. Good, good, good. That sounds silly. That's ridiculous. Why should you wish that Hedy Lamar was the head of your afternoon with the body? I always wanted a long neck with Hedy. Right. Castile, you've got to get girls off your mind. Why don't you walk in the park at night and admire the stars? You mean like Betty Gravel on a tour on Dorothy Lamar? No, no, no, no. I'm talking about heavenly bodies. Brother, we're both talking about the same thing. Hey, look. Someday you're going to get in trouble chasing girls. And you'd better keep away from that young divorcee that lives next door to you. You'll never get the first base with her. I did get the first base with her, Adam. What happened? Her ex-husband was on second. Right. Girls like her are a dime a dozen. Yeah? Dime a dozen? Yeah. Well, here's a nickel. Get me sick. I think you've got women on the brain. Last night in your sleep, you kept powering for Ingrid Bergman. Well, Ingrid Bergman happens to be my favorite actress since I saw her in that bathing beauty picture. You saw Ingrid Bergman in a bathing beauty picture? What was it called? For whom the bath towels. Costella, please. Do you dream of women every night? Not every night. No, that's better. Sometimes I take a nap in the afternoon. Come in. Oh. Oh. There you are. You fat, impudent little slob. That's me. But I went out with you. You did? Yes. And I've never been so insulted in my life. Take that. This time I dream about you. Maybe you'll act like a gentleman. How do you like that? The next time she's dreamed, she's got to date with me. I ain't even going to show up. Well, Costella, I'm convinced that your dreams are the cause of all your girl troubles. And we've got to find out what they mean. Gee, I wish we could. Really, I do. I'm glad you said that, Costella, because we have with us tonight the world's greatest authority on dreams. Ah. Good evening. Ah, good evening, gentlemen. I am the world's greatest dream analyst, Professor Mellonhead. Damn. Known professionally as Dreamboat Mellonhead. Dreamboat Mellonhead. Dreamboat. Looks like somebody plucked all the feathers out of your crow's nest. Hey, young man, are you trying to infer that my head is bald? Infer? If you put your head in fur, it would look like an oversized mothball. Hey, Adam, get a load of that slippery dome. I've seen ostriches sitting on feather-looking things than that. Costella, please. And you get results. I know, I know. Please. You should make you should make cracks about the professor's head. If his head ever cracks, I'll make an omelet out of it. Look, gentlemen, we're wasting time. Professor Mellonhead, can you tell us what causes Costella to dream about girls? Of course, Abbot. Tell me, Costello, do you dream about girls all the time? No. Only when I'm asleep. That's fine. Good. Now I'll have to have a little of your case history. Do any other members of your family have peculiar dreams? Last night, he dreamed he was pulling the weeds out of his garden. Ah, he dreamed he was pulling weeds out of his garden. What happened? When he woke up, his wife was as bold as an eagle. All right. Now let's get back to you, Costello. What type of girls do you dream of? Beautiful girls. Beautiful. Once I dreamed a beautiful, gorgeous blonde, and when I put my arms around her, something electric passed between us. A shot? No, she slipped her light bill into my pocket. Well, Professor... Professor Mellonhead, have you found out what causes Costello's dreams? Well, Abbott, my superficial diagnosis tells me that Costello's dreams are caused by contraction of the nerves in his head, making his brain two-tenths. My brain is two-tenths? Yup. Two-tenths the size of a normal brain. Mellonhead, for two-tenths, I'd suck you right in the bush. All right. Now, Costello, I will attempt to remedy your condition by massaging your head. First, I will stuff cotton into your auditory canal. Then, I'm going to put your hand in your coractite, tighten your cerebrum, loosen your cerebellum, and then I will rub horse liniments into your medulla ablongata. You wouldn't dare. I haven't got the nerve. Oh, now, Costello, a person's equilibrium is often an important factor in the cause and effect of dreams. Therefore, I will have to test your equilibrium. Mellonhead, if you as much as lay one finger on my equilibrium, you'll call my medic. No, no, no. To test your equilibrium, Costello, I want you to climb up this stepladder here and balance yourself on the top step. Go ahead. Oh, that's very silly, but I'll go. Here I go. Ah, Costello is now climbing the ladder. He's up 15 feet. He's up 30 feet. Keep climbing, Costello. Now, he's up 75 feet. Costello has now climbed up to 100 feet. Now, wait a minute, Professor. That stepladder is only nine feet tall. Oh, my goodness. That's a mistake. Costello! Costello! I think I figured out a cue for your manipulating girls. My vast honey hains to give you a nice big kiss. Oh, you have it. That ought to cure me. Go ahead, honey. Well, proper up, Mr. Costello. I'll kiss you. Hmm. Ha, ha, ha. Costello, honey. I feel fine with that cellar in the first row. Just paint it. Good night. Good night.