 Yeah, it's good to be back. It's good to be here with you guys. Good afternoon. Good morning. Good evening wherever you find yourself Welcome to another video here on the channel me plus you is us and my name is Kwame and today I'm here alone because the thing I'm about to discuss with you as you've already seen in the title I believe is something that I have done the most learning on and I believe that it's something that I I would want to share with you in the last seven years I've had to learn and relearn the hard way and rediscovered that over and over that These things I'm about to share with you don't ever stop you keep learning and you keep relearning and it never stops so you have an argument with your partner and you know tempers are high you're Not thinking straight. It's uncomfortable and then you say or do something that just escalate the whole situation and Most of the time sometimes you are aware and you're vindictive and you do it because you're angry Sometimes you're unaware and you say something and it just completely blows things out of proportion And you just think wait, when did we get here? How did we get here and the arguments just gets keep getting heated and Yeah, it's a struggle and it happens all the time and I have to say that you know a healthy relationship is one that is thoughts In my opinion devoid of any arguments So long as you're two individuals with differences, they'll be miscommunications. They'll be conflicts that would need resolution And I believe it makes you stronger, but if you're having or enjoying some kind of peace and you feel that Yeah, you should just find something to argue about that's just No, that's just witchcraft. That's that's mentally Mentally deranged in my opinion move to pull in a relationship or in an argument So yeah, that's not what we're talking about here So let's get to what you should not do in an argument with your partner or your spouse or your girlfriend in a relationship that you're in What you should not do things that I've learned to not do when there's an argument And I hope you can get something from it as well. So the first one is What I I call The vague apology, I mean, it's not what I call the big apology It's the first one you should not do is the vague apology the vague apology It's when you want to avoid a conflict all together You don't want to argue and you think that you know what to de-escalate this whole thing Let me just apologize for what's happening and let's call it quits So let's call it a day. It's fine. I'm sorry. Whatever is happening. If it's your fault or mine. I'm sorry Let's just stop it. Okay, because it's uncomfortable and I don't want to do it anymore well, let me just say that the vague apology doesn't work because your partner will most likely ask you what are you sorry for and Half the time if you're aware what you're sorry for It's better that they hear it's reassuring that they hear and Know that you acknowledge and you are aware of the depth of what you've done and you're sorry for it And how it affected them that is rather a way to go about it than just vaguely apologizing and I'm sorry and We should just end this here or cut it short So the vague apology is one move you should avoid pulling if you want peace And you want to have mature Conflict resolutions in your relationship the second thing I wrote them down. So let me just find my lists quickly and Yeah, and to also let you know that this list has been approved by Elaine She read through it. That's what I mean. Yeah, and the next one on the list number two is generalizing behaviors the you people Yeah, don't don't do that if you're having an argument with somebody you are in a relationship with the person the argument is happening Between the two of you if there are some character traits or some behaviors that you know tend to trigger certain things in you don't generalize those behaviors and tend to blame them on something else like the culture or even The agenda that you people like to do this or you're from here and that's why this is happening that will just bring a whole different discussion or whole different aspects or different, you know Matter into the whole argument and you do not want that when you're having an argument by generalizing behaviors that is a thing you people do and it's it's it's something that it's Judgmental, yes, the word I'm looking for was judgmental Based on stereotypes and prejudice and you don't want to say it's a woman thing or it's a It's a Dutch thing. I mean an interracial relationship or you know, it's a you people thing. Don't do it It's not fair to the argument and it will not move it forward in any way so don't generalize arguments don't generalize behaviors when you have an argument and Yeah, let's go to the third one Utilizing or using the infinite Where these words always and never come out of your mouth you never do this You're always doing this and that is why we're here or that is why we're having this argument It's so annoying. You're always doing that. You're never doing this Using the infinite for me. I've realized Tends to push the person to the wall to find the reason to Defend themselves and argue that no, I've not been doing this or I've not done this And why should you say I always do this? There's some moments. I've done it to admit But there's not a reason why we should be doing this or doing that it never moves the thing forward and using always It's also a negative affirmation To be even projecting on your partner and in the first place if it's something the person does often does Not always often often is a better way to put it Then yeah, it's better to choose your words wisely in this sense that you always do this You never do this it makes them defensive and Yeah prolongs the whole argument It might even increase the tempers and make things escalate even further so avoid the infinite always and never don't be To the next point number four pointing fingers either so pointing fingers when something has happened just Makes the person feel alone in an argument in a relationship in a conflict resolution situation. You don't want to Isolate one person. It's not fair to the person It's not nice to feel that whatever is happening is one person's fault or the reason the person did this is why this is happening And so to isolate the person or to blame the person is something that you want to avoid pointing fingers has never Ended in a good way for anybody in an argument if you're having an argument with somebody Yeah, it's between the two of you and you're trying to find an amicable solution together You know things happen and people react and things happen and people gets you know triggered by certain emotions And you want to come to that conclusion or find that situation which is making the person behave a certain way So saying you did this or you did that and that's where we're here It's not something you want to do if you want to have peace in Conflict resolution situation the next thing you should avoid probably doing is comparing them to another person or Yeah, somebody else Don't do that in an argument that you wish they'd behave this way or this person didn't do this or doesn't do this When this happens It is also another isolation tactic or just putting them in a situation where they just feel that you don't even value Them for who they are and you're comparing them to another person that you wish you had that I mean you can't have Perfect human or you can't have perfection in people's behaviors and you committed to Doing this with a person and you can't at every least chance Compare them to another person when you're having an argument So avoid doing that if you don't want any trouble another thing you probably should avoid doing is dismissing their feelings when arguments are happening emotions are rising and everything and For me, for example, I tend to border on the rational or logical tangent when there's an argument and feelings often You know don't come in when some of the arguments are happening and somebody might be feeling a certain way for some reason and You think that because you don't feel that way about the whole situation They can't feel that way about the situation and you think that they are making it up or they are being too emotional About a situation which is also something which is really hurtful and disrespectful and it makes people not even want to share in the first place so please avoid this missing feelings because it makes people hold back it makes people crawl back into their shells and Ultimately when people hold back and not talk a lot You realize that it's going to affect you in so many other ways It's going to dig an even deeper stretch for you guys to not be able to cross in the in the long run So please avoid dismissing your partner's feelings when you're having an argument The next thing you should not do is probably ending the conversation abruptly when it's getting too uncomfortable And you think that just you know, I don't feel like you know Continuing this you want to call time out? Please let the person know that where this has gotten to at the moment I'm struggling to continue and I would love that I would need time Or I could get time to think things through calm down a little bit and then we can continue the conversation But you should also follow up on that time out that you've called Don't let the person come back to you to ask if you're okay now and we can continue the conversation Where we left it off So please if you want to call time out, don't just end the conversation abruptly that you know what? I'm not doing this anymore and I've done don't talk to me and you're gone. No, that is also disrespectful to the person you are just intolerant and Yeah, it's it's not a good thing to do And that also leads to walking away from then that that's an action That's often follows. Don't walk away from the person. That's also very disrespectful and You don't want to do that in an argument and Next thing you should have probably avoid doing is or saying is that it's fine Never mind that you never understand it or you don't understand. So it's not even necessary for me to continue Explaining so that's very condescending and it makes them feel that they're not Intelligent enough or emotionally mature enough to understand your stance When is probably you not knowing how to explain it properly? So Avoid using statements or phrases like it's fine. Never mind. You know, let's just stop it That's also an abrupt way of ending it. So avoid using that phrase if you want peace when you're having an argument with your partner and The final thing which I think is is an emotional abuse level type thing to avoid doing is threatening to end the relationship At every chance you get you think that okay, fine, you know, this is just too difficult Let's just call it quits Yeah, you make the person feel that they are the only person committed to a certain degree In a relationship. They are doing more. They're offering more. They have more to lose and because you don't feel the same way You just think that you can easily just say, yeah, let's just stop. I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore It's just Complete bs and you want to avoid that when you're having an argument with your partner or your spouse So these are some of the things that I've learned the last one I mentioned is something that Never happens it at least in my relationship So if you do that often you are an emotionally abusive person. I'll tell you that You should avoid doing it. It's immature if there's conflict to be resolved your Last thing you should ever even want to do is threatening to end the relationship anytime or any chance you get It's not cool. It will not bring you anywhere Near resolving or having a mature conversation. So Yeah, if you found anything useful in this Do hit the like Like button and subscribe to the channel If you have any more that I may have missed that you've learned in your relationship over the course of time Put please put it in the comment section below and let's have more conversation around this I'll catch you in the next video My name is Kwame and this is me plus you is us adios for now