 Today, we're going to talk about when should a man and woman sleep together because it's a big decision. All right, so this topic was birthed from a conversation I had on my new podcast called Relationships Are Underrated. My co-host Tripp Kramer and I were having a conversation. Now, I just want to share with you really quickly. Since I'm a coach for women helping women in midlife, which I say is after baby making years and before retirement, and his clientele tend to be younger men, which he helps with the confidence of talking to women. He even has a podcast called How to Talk to Girls. And while his clientele ranges from age 20 to 50, most of his clientele is probably in their late 20s, early 30s. So we're having this conversation about when to have sex. And from his perspective, which I can understand his perspective, he thinks that most men will lose interest in a woman if they haven't had sex by the fourth, but he said third or fourth date. And then later in the podcast, he conceded to the fifth date. And I said that it takes far more time to build trust with a person than three or four dates. I think at a minimum, it takes roughly about a hundred hours of face-to-face time just to build the first layer of trust. Just to build the first layer of trust. And while during the podcast, I said that these days, I suggested that while if couples waited till the seventh or tenth date, somewhere in that period of time, to consider being sexually active, that's at least better than doing it on the first, second, third, or fourth date. So we're having a little heated discussion about this. And it was kind of interesting because I get it from his point of view. He's a 36-year-old male. Here I'm in my mid-50s. I call myself the heart protector for women. I'm partially because I see the emotional effects of the dating process today. And by the way, I'm going to share more about my thoughts on this process. It's not just a hundred hours or seven to ten dates, okay? But I'm more concerned about the emotional effects when two human beings engage in some sort of dating or relationship process because there are so many different emotional nuances and there are emotional consequences that occur when two people engage in physical contact before trust is built. And trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust isn't about whether or not you think this... I mean, I'm not saying it isn't part of it. It isn't just about whether or not you think someone might sleep with someone else. Trust, in my mind, has more to do is, does this person genuinely care about me? Does this person really care about my feelings? And given that sex also has some components of danger to it on some levels, and I mean, you could catch an STD. It happened to me once in my life. I don't know if it ever happened to you. Thankfully, I could just get a shot of penicillin. Well, actually, it wasn't penicillin or something else. And by the way, it was a very embarrassing experience for me. And thankfully, it was... I mean, it could be cured just like that, but imagine if it was something even more precarious than that. Now, well, today, many younger people do wear condoms, so that is a consistency. My generation, it wasn't... You know, condoms were for people as Austin Powers says for sailors. And anyway, I don't want to get into the joke on that one. So, my point is, there are a lot of different emotional consequences to being physically intimate with someone. And I hear some women say to me, well, they should just have sex whenever they want. It's a desire. If I get it, you can have sex whenever you want. And at the same... Or let me re-frame this. You can feel the desire to have sex with someone, and at the same time, be a bit prudent. And I'm not here to suggest being a puritan by any stretch of the means. And I'm not here to suggest even that, you know, Steve Harvey's philosophy in his book, Act Like a Woman, or Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man, or book suggests 90 days. I'm not suggesting something arbitrary. What I am suggesting, though, is that when two people engage in sexual relationship together, that maybe they want to have some conversations around monogamy and exclusivity. In fact, many of you know my acronym cares. C-A-R-E-S. The C stands for don't have sex until you feel comfortable. A stands be aware of the emotional consequences for you if you do have sex with someone who disappears. R, learn the other person's real intentions. That's what I mean by taking time. The E stands for exclusivity. And I merely mean an agreement of monogamy while you're engaging in sexual relationships with someone. And the S stands for safety. Safety merely means some of you might want to consider getting an STD test before engaging in sex. Now, here's where it gets a little tricky, because on some level, and by the way, folks, you know my narrative before, you know, a woman has sex with a man, they should consider reading the book. They should be beginning reading the book, eight dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Eight dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. This is the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And his argument was, that's going to turn guys off. In fact, even waiting, his position was a man will lose interest after the fifth date if they haven't had sex together. And I'm like, oh my God, that's a very fearful based way of giving advice that a man, and by the way, my friend is a very conscientious kind guy. So I'm not, I'm not here judging him per se. I just think there's some flawed premise to his logic from the female perspective. Now, that might seem, again, maybe Puritan on my part, I have to look at that piece, but I only say this after talking to, I have over 20,000 hours of coaching in the last, you know, decades. So there's a, you know, having a lots of conversation. And many of you probably are already agreeing with me. By the way, really quickly, this is not a fake background. That is my patio looking out over the Pacific Ocean. My t-shirt says, humankind be both. It kind of relates to this conversation. My cup today says, just keep swimming. By the way, this is my weekend videos I shoot down on my balcony. Very similar to the videos I shoot in my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis. And based on the questions you ask in the boot, group, I shoot personalized videos just for you. So check out the link to below to my VIP group. So here's the thing. Sex is part of, you know, from the male perspective, I did concede that sex is part of the decision-making process to decide to be in a relationship. And this is for both men and women alike. And this is where it gets a little tricky, because God forbid two people have terrible sex with one another. It happens. It happens. And so do you want to be that far invested in someone to only have it implode then? Or would you, and then the other philosophy point of view is having sex early and then having great sex only to find out this person has anger issues, this person has control issues, this person has misogynistic tendencies I'm talking about from the woman's point of view. So this is a really tricky conversation. This is why, and also if you're not familiar with love attachment style and Amago, which I'm going to talk about in a second, we can get highly attached to another human being that we barely know, that we barely know. So Amago basically means we often time, this is from Harbell Hendricks and Helen Hunt. You're not familiar with the book Getting the Love You Want by Harbell Hendricks and Helen Hunt. I highly recommend checking this out. The Amago is we oftentimes choose partners that are similar to one or both of our parents in personality and or temperament. And what that is happening for the individual is they're rewiring their brain for healthy love in this process. And yet most of people don't know the lesson that's happening with them. And then they repeat the pattern over and over and over again why oftentimes women choose men who are maybe narcissistic or men who are who are emotionally unavailable because they're actually reliving a dynamic between their parent. Okay. In addition, if you're not familiar with love attachment style, this is a book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, this book called Attached. And this leans into the conversation of how we attach oftentimes anxious people attached to avoidant personalities and vice versa. So understanding these before being intimate with someone might benefit you. And this is why, by the way, there's a link below to all the books I recommend. Jonathan recommends books, along with my own book, What the Heck Is Self Love? Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self Help, and Spiritual Work. By the way, I realized that the lighting was way further over there and you can't see me all clearly. So I hope you can appreciate that it's just a little bit of dark, but I just want you to see the backdrop for today. So coming back to the decision-making process, yes, being physically intimate with someone is part of the decision-making process. And then let's not even get into, I didn't even get into this with him in the conversation, oftentimes men who women have sex with men too soon, men judge those women as being easy. So I didn't get that chance to debate that with him, but there's this kind of double standard with men. If you have sex with them too soon, they'll, they think you're easy. And if you don't have sex with them early enough, they'd lose interest. I mean, it's really kind of messed up. You know, and when you think back to, and while I am definitely, I'm a contrarian, my advice goes contrary to public opinion or traditional expectations, there was some level, you know, back in the day where if you wanted to, you know, have sex together, you had to get married, at least there was some level of commitment. So what level of commitment is needed today to engage in sex? What, this begs the question. I think what level of commitment do you want with each other? Because really, other than an agreement to monogamy and exclusivity, you know, how much more commitment can you get from someone in the early stages of dating? Because really, other than those two things, there isn't much more. I mean, the next level of commitment is that we're going to spend, you know, we're going to consistently spend this much time together, and we're going to explore whether or not we want to either move in together or get married at some point. And these are unspoken conversations. You know, and I'm really here to say, I want to be the wake up call, especially for women, because men tend to be the gas and you tend to be the brakes. I'm going to repeat that men tend to be the gas, you tend to be the brakes. And what I mean to say is, you know, you give oftentimes ladies, you give your power away to a man, meaning he's the leader of the relationship. And I know you love all the idea that the man is chivalrous and you just sit back in your feminine energy. By the way, I recently had a complaint about my conversation about feminine energy. Let me be clear about this. I don't believe in leaning back into anything, lean into your empowered energy that has nothing to do with male or female terminology masculine and feminine tend to be male female terminology. And I rather human beings be in their empowered human kind energy. She don't need to lean back and then this whole thing about polarity in the bedroom. Look, if two people want to have sex together, and they have they have a libido, who cares that temperament or the polarity in there just have great sex together, that's my opinion on it. Because I am not here to advocate any submissive behavior from women, nor am I here to advocate dominant behavior from men. I'm here to advocate for empowered energy between two human beings, humankind be both. That's what I'm here to. So coming back to this question around sex, it's really an important conversation. This is why in the book eight dates, it's one of the dates. His belief that my philosophy is a bad approach, meaning having more radical honesty versus being cavalier or trivial about it. I'm sorry folks, if that acts Puritan, then it's time for a wake up call for both men and women alike to actually covet sex as something a little more sacred than the trivial cavalier approach that's happened in the last decade or so. And this is not to suggest a woman cannot explore her desires. She is more than welcome to do whatever she wants, whether she if a woman or man want to have sex on a first date. By the way, when I say woman, I'm talking about men and women. If they want to have sex on the first date, then by all means go for it. Just remember there might be some consequences to having sex with someone you haven't developed trust with. That's all I'm here to say. Think of the Tinder swindler. Think about the men who come on strong and profess all kinds of love to a total stranger. If you are not familiar with the book, Total Stranger, Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell. I highly recommend checking out this book. Highly recommend checking out this book because it's what we should know about the people we don't know. If you believe you can build trust with someone you don't know in a first, second, third, fourth, or fifth date or let alone seven or 10 to dates, then you are an amazing human being. You can do like you really are. You are a savant. You are a mind reader. I don't know anybody these days given that we're meeting strangers because here's the bottom line. It used to be, by the way, you all know I'm the big brother. I'm the protector of women's hearts, right? I'm your big brother. Back in the day, it used to be if you screwed over, if a guy went out with your little sister and used that guy's scooter over, he had the big brother as a consequence looming over. So he had a lot more intentionality than today because literally you can be physically intimate with someone and ghost disappear them like that without any consequence. Now, should there be a consequence? That's a good question to ask. Should there be a consequence? Should a band go to jail for doing that? I don't think that's the consequence. I don't think it should be a legal or government consequence. But I also know that it's very disingenuous. See, here's the problem with the dating process. It's oftentimes many women alike are more focused on their own needs in the beginning stages instead of actually caring about the other person's point of view. This is true of women as well. You ladies can be just, you're no picnic either. Many of you can act very entitled and manipulative. And while there are plenty that are doormats out there as well, which I definitely want to be an advocate for those, I'm here to advocate kindness, compassion and generosity from both sexes in the dating process. And I feel like I have to yell sometimes to shake things up. It's like share in the movie Moonstruck to Nicholas Cage, snap out of it. This is why I'm so passionate and I yell so frequently because I want you all to snap out of it. Look at being physically intimate with someone is a big decision. Have deeper conversations in the beginning of the dating process so there's no ambiguity. And again, if a guy loses interest because you haven't had sex with them, don't ever, ever, ever do anything out of fear and please don't ever do anything out of manipulation. And if a person doesn't appreciate your timeline, then they're not your person. They're not really your person, a person. Listen, there are so many other things to worry about in the dating process, sex being one of them. And I say worry being, be conscious of, let me reframe that to be conscious of, sex is one of them, emotional maturity, shared values and blendable lifestyles. Those are, and by the way, someone's ability to actually have good communication skills in a relationship. If you can figure all that out in less than five dates, then you are amazing human being. You really are. You should be teaching a class on it. So that's what I invite you to start teaching a class. All right, my formats are a little different right now. I'm not going to do the openings like I used to. I'm not going to, I'm going to ask for the likes right now. I'm going to ask for that. If you like this video, please hit the like button. Please share it. Please tell your friends. Please check out if you're interested in private. And by the way, I'm sorry about the lighting here. I'm a little bit dark here. I will put the lighting up a little closer next time so I don't get washed out. All right. Listen, I hope you found value in this. I'd like to hear your thoughts, your perceptions, your opinions. Please post a comment below. I'd like to hear everything. As always, if you find value in this, please tell your friends as I said that. I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic job at the barricade of self-love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. Let's face it. We could all use a lot more love in our hives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.