 I'm delighted to welcome you here. My name is Judy Byron. I'm the adult program coordinator here at the Waterbury Public Library. And it's my pleasure to have wonderful programs like the one Jaret's going to be presenting, reclaiming our lost selves. And Jaret knows the subject. She was part of a cult for 18 years and wrote this wonderful book. And every day cult, cults exist everywhere. And they fly into the radar, most of them. They're not the biggies like the Jim Jones and the others that we know about. I mean, those are certainly the notorious ones. But there's so many that there's an imbalance of power and there is a loss of self, as you rightly put in your presentation. So I'm excited. Jaret has these books. We also have them at the library. I've purchased some for this series that Jaret is doing. And so I'm going to turn it over to you. You can introduce yourself in a greater manner or go deeper until your background a little bit. But I just wanted to say welcome, everybody. And glad you're all here. Thank you. Thank you, Judy. And I'm so glad that you're here this evening. And welcome to whoever sees this at a later time. I want to start with a statement that was actually written not by myself. And it's, we're obsessed with cults. It's the zeitgeist of our current culture. And I'm curious if you agree with that statement, that we're obsessed with cults. And it's the zeitgeist of our current culture today. Does that statement resonate with you? And this is not a test. This is just uncurious. If indeed, that sounds accurate or not. And I would like you to explain zeitgeist. I know it. And I always have to say, which one is which? Spirit and? I actually don't know. Oh, OK. So you know it. So you know what it means. The zeitgeist, what I understand the zeitgeist is. And we might have to pull up a dictionary to double check me. But the zeitgeist is the cultural and wide, how I understand it at any rate. So here I am, like, flumming at the very first word. I didn't even think to look it up. So truth is, I'm going to stop talking about that word. I will probably screw it up. Maybe what I think of when I hear that statement, which is actually written in my book, it's in the forward of my book written by Sara Edmondson, who was a key whistleblower of the Nixian cult, what I think of with that piece is what's happening today in terms of this plethora of documentaries, docu-series, you know. They're all over the place on HBO and Netflix and Amazon Prime and stars. And so many memoirs are coming out. It's on the news. These cultic terms are in the news all the time. And there's a lot of mudslinging that goes on between the political spheres, between the right and the left, throwing these terms against that in an accusatory way at each other. So these cultic terms are prevalent today in a way that they were not when I got out of the group that I was a part of for 18 years. I got out nine years ago. So it's a more recent phenomenon that these topics have really come into the public discourse. I find it terrifying. I mean, I absolutely, whether I know the technical definition of the word. I didn't know how to spell it, so couldn't get us to it. I mean, I find it really, really disturbing because I find it all around. And we won't even have a political discussion. Exactly. Exactly. And I think that reality is true. That there is this, it's like risen up in these last four, six, eight years, certainly the last six years. So for this evening, the defining spirit or mood of a particular period of history is shown by the ideas and beliefs of the time. So you're spot on. I was just thinking, oh, I know it's German. Which one is which? And I was thinking, technically, of the specific parts of the word. So how do you spell it? Z-E-I-T, geist is G-E-I-S-T, zeitgeist. Zeitgeist. Yeah, I've lived in here a long time. So what I'm hoping to cover this evening, if you had looked at the poster that went out about the tonight's event, there were four questions that were to be explored. The first one is, what is coercive control and undue influence? So we're going to be looking at that first. Second question is, how does indoctrination occur? So what is that process where a person becomes indoctrinated into a cultic narrative? Third question is, who is vulnerable to these dynamics? And the fourth question is kind of a basic question that to me is probably the most important is, why is it important to understand this? And how can, when I say this, I mean these dynamics? And how can an understanding of these dynamics actually contribute to making more resilient communities and neighborhoods and families? So I'm hoping that that's what you're wanting to hear this evening, because that's what I'm prepared to share. And before we dive into that, I have to tell you about my Uncle Joe. I send this newsletter out every couple times a month. And Uncle Joe, beloved Uncle, almost every single newsletter, he sends back some sort of an email. And has various clips and stories and ideas. Just a few days ago, he sent me this, and I'm going to read it to you, because I have to make sure that I'm quoting Uncle Joe correctly. He said, so Jirat, I have a question. What drives us to seek out things like cults? What are we seeking? What do we think we'll find? And why wouldn't having a popsicle do as well? So there's the humor of Uncle Joe, and we might find that there's actually a little bit of wisdom in his question as well. So looking at the issue of undue influence, that's our first question, coercive control and undue influence. Undue influence we can't really look at without first acknowledging influence. And influence is something that we experience as human beings from the very moment of our birth, all the way through our lives until our last dying breath. We are profoundly social species. We influence each other just by our mere presence. Those of us in this room tonight are influencing each other to one degree or another. And we walk into a store, we're being influenced. We walk into the library, I was just walking from the bathroom to this room, and there was a book that caught my eye. My father's words, like, oh, that caught me. I was influenced by that title, and I had to pick it up. So we're influenced all the time for better and for worse, and undue influence is definitely an example of the for worse gut. We typically think and hear about undue influence in the realm of elder abuse. What happens with undue influence is when an individual steps in and usurps the will of another person. And that person will make decisions on their behalf without their consent. So not having their consent is a big part of what undue influence is. In the American Bar Association, there are laws that is illegal, undue influence is illegal. They state on the American Bar Association that undue influence is difficult to legislate. For example, an elder has a legal right to spend money on telemarketers, even if it jeopardizes their financial stability and even their ability to survive. The American Bar Association goes on to say, undue influence takes place behind closed doors, and there are no witnesses. It's often linked to impaired cognitive ability. Complicating things further, undue influence is present in many different circumstances. Hostage situations, families, domestic violence, prisoners of war, cults, and white collar crime. It could even apply, that is, undue influence could even apply to totalitarian regimes that control populations because their elements are similar. I see some nodding heads. So that's a little nugget of undue influence. So now let's turn our focus to coercive control. Coercive control is a very complex, a pattern of controls that are specifically designed to intimidate, to isolate, to manipulate, and control a person or a group. Take note, my friends, there is nothing in the American Bar Association about coercive control because it is not illegal. There are many countries that have laws on coercive control. We now have a few states in the United States that have some laws in place, but very few. There are some where it's kind of in the making or in process, but you know how long it can take to get things moving in laws. So the definition for coercive control that I'm going to share with you tonight comes from England. And I really look forward to the day when I can read to you the legal definition of coercive control that is understood here in the United States because it is so needed. There is so much harm that has been done because we do not... There are so many people who we are unable to prosecute because we don't have this legislation. Cult leaders are notoriously difficult to prosecute. And this is why. Later we could talk... Well, maybe I'll just say it right now. There is recent... The trial of Keith Vernieri, who is the ex-leader of Nixian, the cult in Albany, New York. He's now in jail for 120 years. The prosecutor who carried that case is a brilliant, brilliant lawyer named Moira Penza. And what she did to get him in jail was she actually looked at how crime rings work. And she applied that model and the way that coercion is used in those settings and applied it to this cult group. And she got him. So it was human trafficking, labor trafficking. Those were the main things. There was a whole bunch of other issues. And her legislation, her work is now starting to change. The climate changes because the trial of... Hi, come on in. No worries. No worries that you're late. You're not late, you're right on time. Yeah, so the trial of R. Kelly... Am I saying this name right? The rapper. That was also based on the work of Moira Penza, who was the lawyer who tried Keith Ranieri and got him tried. So at any rate, as I said, I do really look forward to someday being able to read the United States definition of coercive control. We don't have that yet. So here is the definition that comes from England. Coercive control is a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, and intimidation, or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. This controlling behavior is designed, designed to make a person dependent by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence, and regulating their everyday behavior. We need, really need, legislation to hold people accountable to this egregious behavior. There's an expert also from the UK that states... I'd appreciated some of his... I'd read some of his work, and this is just a quote from him. He says, the victim of coercive control becomes captive in an unreal world created by the abuser, entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction, and fear. And my friends, coercive control and undue influence exists in controlling groups of all kinds. When I use the term controlling groups, we're talking about things that you might, you know, in your mind think about as cults. But controlling groups is a phrase that I tend to use that encompasses everything from controlling religions to corporate environments to labor or work environments that are exploitive to even, you know, it can exist in a arena of sports. It can exist in the whole, you know, we've certainly heard of many different yoga cults that have come up over, you know, come out in the news recently. So the whole wellness community, self-help therapy groups. So wherever there are controls that have some of these elements that we just explored and undue influence and coercive control. So I want to just shift to Uncle Joe's, what are Uncle Joe's questions, which is like, what are we seeking? What are they seeking into these controlling groups? Well, first off, anyone that goes into those groups has no idea that there's control present. So that's really important to understand. You can go into them, I went into the group that I was in for 18 years as a full, able, you know, educated, mature adult. And the process of becoming indoctrinated, which is now our second group. What were you seeking? So what I was seeking, which was Uncle Joe's question, was a kind of idealism, this single most common trait, character trait, that people who exit controlling groups have, we're all idealists in one way or another. We want a better world. We want a better self. We want a better relationship. We want, you know, a better town, whatever it might be. We want a better relationship to the, you know, to God or to our higher power. It is, but, you know, classically every single study that has been done, kind of trying to understand the multicultural influence, you know, idealism again and again comes up at the very top of the list. I'm still an idealist. Am I more, am I more of a realist now? You betcha. I had perhaps, well, not perhaps, but definitely ungrounded realism when I got involved. But in that kind of seeking, I was seeking a better self. I mean, in a certain way, I was seeking all of those things. But in my quest to be, to get involved in this group, I wanted to know myself better. I felt there were certain ways that I was held back, that I was restricted in my life. And I wanted, I believed that there was more possible. And, you know, I was ready. I was met with, in the group that I was involved with, there were some very, very good things. I did grow. I did learn. Getting into this, the first stage of how we become indoctrinated, the very early stages have to do with focusing on this kind of idealism and also what we fondly call love bombing in the cult recovery space. And love bombing is when, I'll give you an example from a cult that has been really identified, is global. They're all over Europe. There are several in Vermont. They're in New England, older Colorado, California. It's a group called the Twelve Tribes. And this, when you go into, one of the things that this group uses is a cafe. And so you can go in and get your nice lunch. The food is spectacular. The food is really delicious. The, every single one of these, they're called yellow delis. Every single one of these environments, the cafes have handcrafted woodwork, friendly people, delicious smells. You know, you're there, you want to be there, and it feels great. You have a great meal, you go back another time, you get to know the people, you get curious about them. Then comes a condition or a principle that is discussed in this book, Influence. This is a new edition of this book by Robert Shaldini, The Psychology of Persuasion. It's a brilliant, brilliant book. It has nothing to do with cults, but everything to do with cults. And he talks in that book, one of the key principles he talks about is called reciprocation. And we naturally, when someone gives us something, there is a natural tendency to want to give back. And when we give back, we tend to give way more. We over give. So the next step that this group that I was just mentioning, once they get to know you at the cafe, they'll invite you to a dinner. They'll be like, oh, we have an evening event, come for dinner. You already know how good the food is. So you're like, sign me up. I'm here. Let's have a dinner. And they'll mention that, okay, yeah, we'll have a little... They may or may not mention a prayer circle. I don't know their specific wrap, to be honest. So they may or may not mention, but the person will know that there'll be a little something about their group that's going to happen, too. So there you are. You have a wonderful meal. It's just as delicious as at the cafe. And then the next part of the evening starts, you've received a free meal. What do you feel? Are you going to walk away from the free meal and say, see you later? No. 90% maybe more of people will stay for the whole evening. And those evenings are finely crafted events. And really you are the meal. You are especially deserved. Because they cater it. They will specifically know things. Where this works the best is when you've been in a place, and this is universal. It's not just this one group I mentioned. It's universal. They will understand things about you. So then the little lecture that takes place that evening will have something that you've shared about your personal life. Maybe you're having trouble with your kids at home and you have a teenager. There's something specifically catered to you and your needs. And roll on. You feel that. And you agree to go to the next one. When I started with my teacher my ex-teacher there's a I I could hear like the things that he was saying. He was sharing things that were truthful. That were factual. And were helpful. And those three things are really important. You hear that and I'm nodding my head and saying yeah. And so now I'm going to tell you about the gotcha formula. Because A is when someone shares something that's truthful, factual and helpful. And we nod our heads. And then they might share something that is A a little bit of A but also a little bit of B which is a falsehood. Something that could be potentially harmful or undermining or or exploitative in one way or another subtly. And you could also call it BS. So the B a little bit of B gets woven into the A and because you were I was nodding my head at the A when I heard the next bit of information with just a little bit of mostly A and a little bit of B I'm still nodding my head and then the next class I go to there's a little bit more B and yet I'm still nodding my head and then you get to the point that years later there's a whole lot of B and very little A but I'm still nodding my head saying yes. So that's the gotcha formula. I named it but a good friend of mine who was in for many years in a high level corporate environment, large corporation he's the one that shared with me that phenomenon and I'm like yes that's it. So I named it but I have to give a tribute to Casey for that. Pixie. Oh. I understand why a political person would want to do that. I don't understand why in your situation what do they want? What is what is the game plan? What does the leader want? Exactly. What is the benefit? So the benefit ultimately I think really has to do with feeding the ego. So it's really nothing more complicated than money and ego. And you know certainly narcissistic personality type. I've never met a cult leader who's not on that spectrum somewhere and some are extreme like we talked about Keith Ranieri earlier. I would say that the leader of the group that I was a part of was not high on that extreme. He was definitely on that spectrum you know the narcissistic personality type spectrum. But compared to some I'd say you know maybe halfway. He was kind of a bad cult leader. He still got me in 18 years where a lot of my money and it is kind of devastating. So another principle here and I do want to just keep aware of. Don't worry about it. Tie in power. Tie in power. Tie in power. Tie in power. Tie in power. Great. Another principle and I'll talk about that comes from the same influence book. Who was it? Robert Shaljeanie. Can you tell us his name? Sorry I always do that. C I a l D I OK. Thank you. C-I-A-L, D-I-N-I, Robert. Truly brilliant. Brilliant. He also talks about the authority principle. So if you have a white lab coat on, the simple act of having that lab coat commands a certain kind of respect. You walk into a doctor's office, and there is a power differential. So in these kinds of groups, there's also this kind of putting an authority on a kind of pedestal. And another principle, and we could talk the whole night about authority. We could talk the whole night about any one of these principles, but we're going to try to get through the whole ones that I picked out to share this evening. Another one is the scarcity principle. And that can be used very often. The way that it was used in a group I was a part of, it's like, oh, there's only a couple more spots left in the retreat. So you're kind of, I mean, it's classic sales. It's marketing. Yeah, it's marketing. It's marketing 101. So yes, you're inclined to kind of sign up. Or there's only going to be three people who will be chosen to do this specific task. And you want to be the one who will be chosen, because there's only a few spots. But related to the scarcity principle is another one called loss aversion. And that is actually far more motivating than the scarcity principle. Loss aversion is when we want to hold on to what we have. And the fear of losing that galvanizes us to dig in and fight. Fight for what we have. We don't want to lose what we have. A way that I recently had this a-ha, like literally yesterday, an a-ha about loss aversion, in relation to many groups have a kind of persecution narrative. So that whoever, anyone that is outside of the group actually has a specific intention to, or not, I shouldn't say anyone that's outside the group, but certain populations of people who are outside the group are actually designed to, and is it OK to say hell bent, on, sorry, you can bleep that. It's OK. I promise I won't do it again. I'll make an opening of a ocean noise for the editor. And it's going to sound weird to say bent. We'll say that they are driven to persecute the group that you're a part of. And that idea, this happens very strongly in the far Christian right. There's a very strong persecution narrative that exists. And there's a whole lot we could do, we could spend a week on just that topic. But I'm just realizing that the persecution narrative is an example of loss aversion. And if there's this idea that your beautiful beloved group could be compromised or threatened in any way, it galvanizes you to dig deep and hold strong and hold fast. So what's the other ones? I just better look at my notes so I don't get too off track. Yes, there's another one which is kind of my favorite that I wanted to share with you. When I first got out of the group that I was involved in, nine years ago was when I got out, for some reason, I don't know, I must have heard something on the radio or I don't even know how I found out about it. But the work of Dr. Daniel Kenevin, this book, Thinking Fast and Slow, I mean I ordered it. And it is a fascinating book in relation to healing from cult of abuse because he describes that we have not one but two distinctly different systems of thought. So the way that our mind operates, we have a fast way of thinking and a slow way of thinking. The thinking fast in our own minds and psyches happens with, it's basically a survival. We're working on survival. It's really how we go through the day. Our days are automatic. Anything that we can do easily and automatically, we're working on that fast system of thought. Having hunches, we're driving a car, a ball comes at us, we know to swerve. This slow system of thought, however, we only have access to this slow system of thinking when we consciously call on it. Otherwise, she's not coming out. So we have to pause. We have to engage very consciously. And then our critical thinking and discernment and far greater accuracy. Can we have access to that in our thinking? In a controlled environment, guess what, folks? There is no time for that pause. You are constantly kept on the move. There is always something to be done. And so you're constantly having to get to prayer service or clean or email. And everything that you do is very, very important. And the way that you do it is very, very important. So there's no rest. There is no rest. And there's no time to think. No time for discernment. OK, the last one I'm going to share with you tonight. And I know we still have those two other questions we're going to come to, so bear with me. The last topic I wanted to offer as another principle of how people can become indoctrinated is that of the sunken cost. And it's a really big deal when we've invested so much in something. And there is a fascinating, truly fascinating study that I highly recommend for anybody who's into this stuff, which is this book, When Prophecy Fails. This is a book written by three researchers from the University of Minnesota back in 1956. They were studying social movements, and specifically social movements that had a failed prophecy. So they had identified this as an area of study. And because, of course, there are many examples of this throughout history, where there's been a prophecy and it doesn't happen. But they caught wind of the fact that there was a group active whose prophecy had not yet the time had not yet come. So these three researchers infiltrated the group, came and acted as true believers, all the way through the night of the prophecy. And this particular group had a belief that there was an apocalyptic event that would happen, and they would be rescued by beings from outer space. And it would happen at midnight on this particular day. So these three researchers were actually in the room and in the study groups all along leading up to it. I think they were in for several months before. I can't remember how long. And witnessed the strike of midnight and that big, endless void of nothing. Do you remember Y2K? All the craze about Y2K? I mean, I was wondering, I wasn't that concerned, but I was curious. So I've had a little taste of that in my own life. But that long, suspended moment, and it's brilliant to read and all the many different things that happened, there was only one person who, I think like 20 minutes later, silently got up and walked out the door, never to return to the group again. So there was only one who did that. Of course, the researchers were not going to do that because they needed to know what happened. And do you know what they found? Extraordinary. There was a whole new narrative that was created, that the leader, like, oh, she started getting downloads and I'm not going to go into the details, but with this new narrative, the group then formed even more strongly. So this unfulfilled prophecy actually strengthened the dynamic that applied to our understanding of how these dynamics happen. It's just fascinating, isn't it? I was thinking terrifying, but fascinating is OK. What's terrifying, just from this perspective, is that how any of those things are just this little bit more than what we experience on a daily basis in terms of marketing works, but with just memberships that we've been in that really should cancel that. Man, I've been in it for so long. Yeah, you've got it, same. Mine have been. My things that we don't get a second thought tonight. But there's a tipping point somewhere, clearly. There is definitely a tipping point and it's a different tipping point for every single person. And that kind of leads us to the question, the third question of our evening, which is who's vulnerable to these kind of influences? The short answer is everyone. And the more specific answer is there certainly are times that people are more vulnerable. So for example, adolescence into young adulthood, that's a massively vulnerable time because of all the changes that are taking place in the body and the psyche and the intellect. But also because there's powerful recruitment that is totally targeted to this age group. The number of groups that target college campuses and watch out for teenagers is ginormous. I can't tell you how many people I know who were recruited on campus. And there's this one woman I've worked with who came out of fundamentalist religious Christian group, went to college, got herself to college, was feeling set free from her family and that whole thing. Within six months, there had been four different attempts to recruit her into four different groups, all really different. And she found herself drawn to a Buddhist group. And it wasn't until years later that she realized, oh, when she finally got out of that group, that she realized that that group had exactly the same dynamics as what she had grown up in. And this is very common. It's very common. The whole campus stuff is a really interesting phenomenon. The other thing to know is that groups target specifically trying to recruit people who are smart, people of great intellect, because that will help the group. It boosts the esteem, makes the group look. It gives credibility to the group when you have people who are smart and celebrities. That's why a lot of celebrities are recruited. And the other time that people tend to be most vulnerable to falling into groups as adults is times of transition. So when there has been a death of a beloved or a birth, for me, it was a birth of my daughter. My daughter was six months old when I started, when I started working with my ex-teacher. It can also be a divorce. Any kind of major life transition makes someone vulnerable. I think it's important for us to know that, because we can be at our friends' backs, in a way, if we're aware of that. And when they are interested in getting involved in something, you can query into it, which brings us to our fourth and final question of the evening, which is, why is it important to understand this stuff? And how can understanding these dynamics actually strengthen and build resilience in our communities? I want to add another part to this question, which is, how does indoctrination get broken? How is it broken? Because that's very much related to this question. And one of the common threads that I've seen again and again with the clients that I have worked with is that the recognition of cruelty is often people get to a certain point where they reach a threshold that it can't be denied anymore. In my experience, I had witnessed plenty of harsh and cruel interactions that took place in the group I was in. But because I had put my leader on a pedestal and believed that when he was pushing people in what was clearly a kind of an aggressive way, it was because he knew them really, really well and that it was out of his deep love for them that he was pushing them. That's what I sincerely believed. But when there was a crisis in the organization and I finally got to hear one of my beloved friends and colleagues I've been in this organization for 18 years, when I heard her described in no uncertain terms how Doug, the leader of our group, would call her and berate her hour after hour after hour. And this is a woman who is a sensitive person who had a lot of trauma in her childhood, a poet, an artist. And when she described this, I knew unequivocally that she was telling the truth with a capital T. I could feel it in every cell in my body. And that experience of hearing about Doug's cruelty knocked Doug off that pedestal that I had him on. Well, it took a little while for that to happen, but it did happen quickly for me. But it created a cognitive dissonance. So the reality that I had constructed for myself and the narrative that I had adopted of who Doug was was shaken profoundly. And it created the crack, the proverbial crack that led in the light. And it was from that moment on there was no going back. So recognizing his cruelty. And this is a theme that I have experienced again and again with clients and writers who I work with. The other thing that helps to break the indoctrination, I call these the four C's, compassion. Compassion is so important. We might want to debate people. We might want to take a book and smack it over someone's head because they are just not thinking correctly. Aggression and debate. In fact, they tend to drive people further in to the group. Compassion and kindness create these little fissures that also can lighten the light. It's like the wall of indoctrination is very strong. And it's held tight by a kind of allegiance to the group protocol that is imbued with a level of cruelty, with a level of control and harm. So gentle kindness can erode that wall and make fissures. The other very important thing is curiosity. Asking questions. If you have someone that you care about who is, do you feel that their mind is hijacked? Ask questions. Statements are probably alienating. But asking questions and clarifying questions. Ask them about what they're involved in. And if they say something and you're not really sure what it is or if they use a word that you know that doesn't quite fit with what they're describing, ask what they mean by it. Because every controlling group has a lingo. And there are words that are used to kind of keep people in place. So understanding the language and being very curious about the language and what is taking place again. That's another way of creating cracks in those fissures in the wall. And the last one is actually contemplation. Remember our Daniel Keneman. We have to pause and consciously call on our slow thinking system. And in that pause, we have access to greater accuracy, more discernment, and our critical thinking. And that's where we actually, my friends, come back to my Uncle Joe's wisdom. Remember, you miss the popsicle. Sorry. Glad you're for the best of things. He asked the question, what brings people into cults? And why do they do it? And why wouldn't a popsicle work as well? And really, when we have a popsicle, we have to really focus on it. Because there's going to be a mess if we don't really keep our attention on it. And that popsicle creates a little bit of a pause. And in that pause, before if you're at all thinking about getting involved in saying signing up for another group, you can say, OK, have a popsicle. And then I'll decide. So there you go. Thank you, Uncle Joe. You're just welcome. Oh, that's great. Yes.