 All right, what I'm about to say may shock you or you may totally agree But I believe it's a total war out there when it comes to the dating mating relating realm And I really don't like using the word war But it feels like sometimes men and women are at odds at one another Instead of actually joining together in the pursuit of a healthy happy relationship And I think this is partly because serious relationships are on the decline. That's right Serious fully committed relationships are on the decline and I think that's partly particularly for those of us in midlife For those of us in midlife and that's after baby making years and before retirement most of the people I speak to are in there over between 40 and 60 49 42 and 69 a Large percentage of that group Roughly, I would say roughly 75% of singles who are out in the dating marketplace are divorced who are over 45 years old so why is it really important to look at this number and Wonder why I think it's important to look at this number and also wonder why serious relationships are on the decline as I burp okay so One thing we have to look at is since the 1960s We've seen a huge proliferation of the dismantling of the nuclear family if you will predominantly because divorce divorcing a couple can divorce much easier than they ever could before So under okay, so if the sanctity of marriage if you will is On the decline because of divorce the byproduct of these divorces is an actual calamity of events that occur predict that particularly in the Distribution of wealth or the disillusion of wealth and let me give you some examples So one of the first things when couples get divorced is they have to split their assets So, you know when we say two is better than one kind of thing Well now that's separated and each person's assets are much lower than they were before in addition the capacity to support Two separate households is much harder than supporting one household and what happens is women have to go back out into the workforce So this proliferation of divorce and I know a lot of people could blame women for this problem I know a lot of people are blaming women for divorce and maybe they initiate divorce for a real valid reason Which we'll explore in a moment as well I think it's important to understand that since the 1960s because of this dismantling of the family unit along with really the Distribution of families and what I mean to say is you know here in the United States you know People don't live in their same villages and their same tribes their families don't live near them Why is this important to understand? because our family and friends support a serious relationship and We when we don't have the support of our family and friends when our lives are Distributed in so many different places and while it might seem that we're just simply a telephone or a FaceTime call away To stay connected The deeper roots of trust are built with our support system and within that support system. It helps strengthen a Relationship so when a relationship is built on a very weak foundation It makes it difficult to actually lean into a serious relationship and in a moment I'll talk about why you know some of the clues are where men are not serious But I think it's important to understand this and more importantly understand that when we're meeting total Strangers in the dating marketplace where we know little or nothing about them It makes it even more difficult to build a level of trust And folks trust isn't just about fidelity Trust is the foundational piece of commitment Think about that trust is the fact trust is can I count on this person to be there? For them when I need them Does this person have my best interest at heart? You know fascinates me how many women are and I say women only because I coach women So I hear it from the women's perspective How many women are in relationship with men where they feel little or no commitment or trust? And yet many of you are saying you want more trust, but you can't even describe what that looks like Earlier today, I was sharing with a client of mine And by the way if you need some support and coaching check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a Coach is right for you, but I was on a phone call with a client sharing a story of a woman I worked with a decade ago. She was in her she's in a relationship and she says Jonathan I want this relationship to be more serious. I want more commitment out of the guy I'm with I'm like great What does that look like for you, but Jonathan? I just want more commitment from the guy I'm with I'm like great describe what that looks like for you, but Jonathan I just want more commitment from the guy And I say great. What does that look like for you? And do you know what she said to me? You're not hearing me I'm like I'm asking you a question to describe what commitment looks like and yet she was incapable of doing that That's because I oftentimes think people think of commitment in this esoteric framework Instead of understanding the building blocks to commitment and trust So one of the reasons why I'm so grateful that clients that go through my coaching program They find amazing men because they now have a blueprint a Blueprint a roadmap to actually determine if the person they're investing time with and as I said before When we're meeting total strangers It's difficult to know about them unless we start laying our cards on the table with one another and Until we actually are radically honest with one another and yet today if there's even a modicum of Chemistry two people can that can connect they can experience companionship Connection and sex with virtually little or no commitment and a man doesn't even have to Demonstrate that he wants a serious committed relationship with you because many of you are hanging on the hope of Something in the future if he just sees me if he just sees me a little bit different than every other woman He'll want to commit Folks I think it's critically important to start looking at the important qualities of a man Before you ever give your heart to someone It's important to look at those qualities before you give your heart more importantly Listen, most you know my rhetoric before the penis goes inside the vagina You should be reading the book eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman chapter one is all about trust and commitment But if you need help in understanding some of the qualities, let me just share some things. I I wrote down earlier Bear with me a second How is his emotional Availability, how is his emotional openness? Is he emotionally open? I Know many of you complain that men are emotionally unavailable Well, if you know this going in you may want to kind of uncover is this a person that's incapable of Emotional availability or is it he just needs to be prodded along a little bit? Number two What's his integrity level is he an integrity? You know the other day I am I Purchase something from Nordstrom's that was delivered to that house But I didn't see it and it was it was brought in And I didn't see it so I called Nordstrom's a few days later and said the package wasn't delivered and And and then my girlfriend said because she'd put it away for Thanksgiving and she goes Oh, here's that Nordstrom's back We'll be she didn't realize it was from Nordstrom's and I called them up But oh because I called Nordstrom's they gave me a credit on my account And I called them up and say I found the package and the woman said wow I'm a little surprised you did that nobody I'm I'm sure packages are delivered all the time after someone says it's been missing and She goes I really appreciated you you told us They charge my account my point is is I wanted to maintain integrity by the way this was a $400 purchase So it wasn't no small amount Some people can say well Nordstrom's rich, you know, they can afford it They already gave you the credit But being an integrity is an important piece of the puzzle number two is their Their commitment to some level of introspective work personal development self-help and spiritual work Folks the reason why I wrote my book what the heck is love self-love anyway It's a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work I point is as human beings who are committed to some level of inner growth Demonstrate the qualities that they're capable of being in a serious relationship. Also, they're a majority in their Responsibility level ways in in the factor. Do they have a high level of self-esteem or Any self-esteem, you know self-confidence and insecurities are Riddled with human beings these days the number one emotional health issue is I'm not good enough I'm not lovable and I'm not likable and a lot of people put on a mask To cover that bravado and yet deep down. They're truly insecure I know many of you ladies complain about insecure men and Last but not least do they have a positive out of attitude towards life, or are they living in victim consciousness? victim consciousness instead of Victor consciousness So it's important to look for these qualities But at the same time it's important to recognize the signs when someone when you've invested time in a relationship When you've invested your heart It's important to see these signs sooner rather than later and I'll share with you what you can do about it When you begin to see these signs, so I'm going to share the six signs. He's not serious about you. Okay, so let's jump in Well, right off the bat. This is an obvious one, but he refuses to commit or define the relationship Why do we need labels? We don't need labels. We don't have to define this relationship Listen, you apps a fucking loot we have to define the relationship. You know why? Because what is remember I said the number one emotional health issue facing most everyone is I'm not good enough I'm not lovable and I'm not likable You know, it's interesting. I posted a quote in My Instagram account. I want to share this with everyone. This is from the movie vanilla sky and Cameron Diaz says this to Tom Cruz in the movie. She says His name is David. I believe she goes David for Daniel. I think it was I can't remember now Don't you know that when you sleep with someone your body makes a promise whether you do or not Your body makes a promise whether you do or not ladies the minute two people become physically intimate More so for women than men Women tend to bond with men through physical intimacy not all women I'd say, you know, one-third of women don't bond the same way But two-thirds of women tend to bond with two men through physical intimacy Man, I would say 90% of men don't bond to women through physical intimacy We bond with women when we feel accepted and respected. That's when we bond with women. Okay But let me just say this if you don't define the relationship what remember I said the number one emotional health issues I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likable Well dating triggers this wound like nobody's business and what I mean to say is one I don't I'm going to use the word failed relationship only in the context as I'm assuming everybody who enters in a relationship It's hoping for a success. Okay But really it's just a relationship that ends but one failed relationship after another failed relationship after another failed relationship Do you know what that does to the emotional psyche? It affects us deeply and remember I said before about divorce That the the increase of divorces and the decline of marriage You know, one of the facets that come out of divorce is a lot of men are gun shy to want to get remarried They have a bitter jaded perspective on marriage And when women have enough unhappy relationships with men, they become bitter and jaded towards men Men and women are become really riddled with bitterness and jadedness And the dating and the swipe marketplace hasn't helped that whatsoever swipe dating has bastardized the meeting process number two You don't come first in his life. You're not a priority Folks, let me tell you something the minute you engage in a Romantic relationship with someone and you have regular sex with one another You have every right to be a priority in a person's life You know, I recognize that many people who are raising children will put their children as their primary priority Some people put their children on a pedestal I know a lot of men who put their Daughters up on a pedestal and those daughters actually carry way more priority in the relationship than the woman that he's has companionship connection and sex but yet If they if they don't make you a priority or their professional life is their primary priority anybody who puts their professional life and their children so far above The person that they're building a relationship with it's possibly it's going to be built on such a weak foundation That it's not going to be serious Number three He's barely interested in your life. He doesn't ask questions about your life He doesn't ask questions about your life Bear with me one second everyone. We have a spammer on the On the all right. We just had to get rid of the spammer Okay, he doesn't make you a priority in his life short phone calls Guys who do the short phone calls or the short text messages Those men aren't serious because all they want is what they can get from you at their beck and call I'm not suggesting you have to have long drawn out phone calls But if you're not spending regular time together Then phone call then there should be some genuine interest in wanting to get to know about your daily life As that demonstrates a level of seriousness and when they don't show genuine interest It's probably he's not that serious Here's number four. His friends don't know about you You know, uh, there's a picture of my beloved and I right there That was uh when she joined me at the wedding in chicago You know all my friends knew about her the minute I flew home from chicago after I met her All my friends knew about her not all my friends, but a lot of friends When his friends don't know who you are or you don't even know who his best friend is and he doesn't know who your best friend is That's a sign. He's not that serious about you number five This is a rather obvious one. He avoids sharing his feelings about you or he avoids sharing feelings about anything That's a surefire sign that he's not very serious about you man. Listen I don't know why my glasses are hard to clean One of men's biggest complaints. I've heard I was in a men's group one of their biggest complaints was The importance of emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy. Yes We men are driven by our penis I certainly am no different than the average man and at the same time What's more important is that capacity to connect with someone on an emotional level to be vulnerable To be authentic to be transparent with a person Now a lot of men don't know how to do that. That's why I encourage women to read this book Emotional intimacy by robert masters. By the way, all the books I recommend are in the link below in the description Okay, this is a great book to understand emotional intimacy But if a man isn't capable of sharing his feelings about you or anyone else There's a good chance. He's not very serious about the relationship and number six He refuses to talk about the future Or he does things like yeah, maybe we can do something in five or ten years You know, listen, I don't know about you, but the days in front of me are probably shorter than the days behind me I want to have a future with someone when somebody genuinely likes you genuinely cares about Genuinely wants to be in a serious committed relationship with you. They are talking about the future Now be careful of the guys on a first date say, oh my god, you're the most amazing woman on the planet I see us getting married. I'm not talking about first date delusion amongst men that limerence Or that experience of lust. I'm talking about men who are actually proactively talking about Future events with you including planning vacations Um Planning to spend holidays talking about holidays together That's a man who's genuinely serious about a relationship And if he refuses to talk about the future, he says something like oh five or ten years down the road We can do something serious. I wouldn't gamble My heart and that's by the way rolling the dice. I wouldn't gamble my heart on someone who couldn't talk about the future Relatively early on in the dating process. Is this sinking in is this resonating with you? Please let me know So look son folks It's important to catch these signs early. What can you do about this? Establish your standards right from the very beginning of the relationship establish your standards I've shared with everyone my standards. It looks like this I told everyone I've shared this before I'm going to share it a hundred times again I was looking for a relationship where we spent three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies Mutual interests spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills both in our personal and our professional life Intimacy both physical emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together getting married That is a standard Now your standard might look different You might only be capable of a couple days a week Well, if you can build a relationship on a couple days a week of physical connectedness great I will tell you it takes a minimum of three or four days a week to really build the deep roots of trust And remember I shared earlier trust is the foundational piece of commitment Without regular time together with Jonathan. I'm in a long distance relationship. Well, guess what long distance relationships are very problematic for this very reason So don't be naive To the fact that if you want to build a serious relationship It starts with your standards right up front Laying your cards on the table and being radically honest and again If you need some support with that check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you All right, I think I've pontificated enough Most of you know my format if you have a question Write the word question. By the way, we're time for our q&a right now But if you have a question write the word question then post the question there after Or you can purchase a super sticker or super. Thanks. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box there If you're watching live if you're watching the replay, there's a super. Thanks But if you want to ask a question right now purchase a super sticker super thanks or super a sticker super chat All of the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Conor I was like that's a picture of him when he was three. I think he was two and a half years old Woody From a toy story He's my son who passed away Four and a half years ago in his honor I've started a scholarship fund to donate to causes like the hockman process and insight institutes just the name of few So if you have a question purchase the super sticker super chat You can purchase a super. Thanks if you're watching the replay all donations go to the conor asley scholarship fund All right, we're going to start taking questions now Again, if you have that question write the word question so I can find it on the chat box And we're going to take questions now as I take off my jacket If you like my new shirt, is it bright I hope you do All right, let's see what we've got right now Linda says great content and insights. You're really our big brother. I love your you raw transparency Thank you so much. I do feel like my job is to be your big brother My job is to protect you from all the bad guys and get you married off as soon as possible So I can take over the family estate if I could be there on a first date I'd have the shotgun pointed at the guy's face and saying what's your intentions with my little sister Why? Because accountability putting someone accountable for their actions listen We're all victims of garden variety bad behavior But at the same time, there's a consequence just like that mean your body makes a promise Whether you think so or not So I think it's important to recognize that linda says She just gave us a $19.99 super sticker. Thank you so much. Just wanted to say thanks for keeping it real and authentic You're a gift to this community To to the community. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that I'm giving you a big gigantic job to bear hug of appreciation. Thank you so much Hamill writes question So if if he's not serious, how do I turn it around? Well, it starts by establishing your standard Now it starts from the very beginning, but at some point Establish what your standard is of what it is commitment looks like for you And if you're on the same page to explore it And if either if he cares about you, he'll want to and if he doesn't care about you He won't you can't force someone to change who they are What you can do if you want to turn it around is set your standard and see if he meets you Because that can't turn it around or you move on Because you can't change someone who doesn't want to be in a serious relationship Unless you establish what that looks like for you And then he gets the choice of whether or not he wants to move it further in that relationship. Does that make sense? Okay, I hope it does. Thank you so much. Pamela for that question Hey, I want to thank melanie for the ten dollar super sticker big hugs and appreciation. Thank you so much Uh Here we go. Um question from indonesia I have this long distance relationship with an ozzy guy. He will come this january We have been communicating for two years. So what should I ask him other than dating vows? Well, I think it's important to this. Okay first off Listen You should know where your lifestyles are at and the idea is to recognize how are you going to take this distance And make it close together I would say before his penis gets to go inside your vagina. I would highly recommend Figuring that out. I just want you to know this He might travel you guys will get caught up in the energy of chemistry You'll have sex. You'll have a great time. You'll think it's great and he'll go back and go, you know what? I'm not really interested in the long distance relationship I mean one of the things is I would probably suggest not sleeping in the same sleep, you know, make him stay at a hotel number one Number two, you might want to take sex off the table. I doubt that will happen You probably for two years have built up this sexual energy intention It's most likely going to happen But I will tell you 99 out of 100 times the minute the guy has sex. He says, you know what? I can't do long distance It's great to because he's just doing vacation Relationship right now Unless you have a plan of how to take the distance and move it together I wouldn't want to invest my heart in someone and I wouldn't have been communicating for two years Well, I shouldn't say that we spoke for over a year, but we just we met up as friends. It wasn't romantic That's what actually made it so easy. We met we were long distance, but we met up as friends after that We had a game plan of how to take the distance and make it move closer together. That's my invitation for you Thank you so much for your question. I really appreciate it Hey, I want to thank the Fawze for the $10 or is it frank wait a minute Super sticker. I really appreciate it uh All right question I'm long distance dating. It's costly and we're meeting for the third time soon I'm ready for sex, but I'm afraid of asking commitment too soon What's one question I should ask for? I would simply ask what does what? Well, I would come back to the same question Are we going to is this are we looking to explore a fully committed relationship? What does that look like? What does commitment look like and what would be the plan for changing this now? Is that would that scare him away? If somebody is afraid to talk about this don't let his penis get inside your vagina folks If you can't listen, it's funny how we're afraid to talk about real things But yet we get to do this all the day, which is the most intimate thing you can do to another person Is to have sex and when I said do I want to retract that Is is to to be intimate with someone is I mean sexual with someone's most intimate thing you can do Okay And yet asking a question Can scare someone up it only scares a person who's not capable of a serious relationship And I'm only yelling folks to wake you up. I would shake the camera right now All right, I think you get the gist of that one genie. I hope that helps Dennis says thank you so much. I appreciate I love it when you don't sugarcoat things. Thank you. I appreciate that And hamilton says question been together for six months and he used to take me out But now only text me to come over at night That's a pretty good sign. He's only in it for the booty call. You guys sound like you're in a Friends with benefits relationship now folks a fully listen Let me tell you A relationship act should for a relationship to maintain and thrive first off You need to have regular intimate time together. I get it. We need to have sexual time together We also need to have shared duties in our lives shared experiences social activities hobbies and doing things together and doing it as a team Having regular play which includes flirting with one another integration of family and friends and most importantly the ability to resolve conflicts with relative ease This is how you maintain and thrive a relationship. But ultimately it's in the doing shit together My girlfriend and I are kind of homebodies But we have lots of activities planned over the next two months We plan these things because this is how you build a relationship with someone You don't do it. Listen You can't really build a relationship via text messaging folks I mean you can build a marginal Mediocre relationship Yeah, you can do that. So how do you shift that is the real question? invite him out go go Go get ice cream together go to go to it's winter time. So So go to the mall together go to a movie together get out and do stuff And if he doesn't want to his penis doesn't get to go inside your vagina I know I'm graphic and descriptive there, but I think you get the point So thank you so much for that question um corny cob says uh Question I saw this video by steven speaks About boundaries you must discuss discuss in a relationship Would you make a video listing the boundaries you feel are necessary to discuss in a relationship? So corny cob, I don't boundaries are what's okay is what not okay. I believe in establishing your standards And then when someone doesn't meet your standards you discuss that Because that's your boundary. Does that make sense? So A boundary would be like this one woman who um said you know for the first six months We saw each other and then now it's all text message Do you simply say I'm not okay with text messaging as a relationship for you to just come over and have sex whenever you want That's not the kind of relationship i'm looking for if you want to have regular sex Then first we have to establish that we're going to do things together Okay, and then we can revisit the sexual piece now that's going to turn a guy off But he wasn't serious to begin with so what's the fuck it really matters if you scare the wrong person away You establish your boundaries by first establishing your standards. Is this thinking is this resonating? Please let me know. Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel All right. Thank you so much um Dorothy, I don't know if you meant this for me. I'm in that case I mean sometimes I think like I'm in sometimes I feel like a nut sometimes I don't um Jenica says hello, jonathan. I've I've missed and needed to hear this today perfect timing. I'm happy to hear that uh Jonica says corny cob everyone has different boundaries. You must discover your own exactly your boundaries are a reflection of your standard You have to decide what those are for yourself Again, if you have a question for me write the word question or purchase a super stick or super chat Write the word question and post the question thereafter All right Let's see what we got here Oh You have a personal question of me. Do you have a question to ask about me and my relationship? I know a lot of people have been asking when my sweetheart is going to be on videos We've been talking about it. She's going to join me in my private group called midlife love mastery By the way, there's a link below to check out the book or the group We're going to start there and hopefully by the end of the year the first of the year We'll join have her join us on a couple youtube videos as well Envy says Do you guys know it? Do you guys see how clean cut jonathan looks extra shiny as beloved as a positive influence? You know, it's interesting, you know, I don't know if I was I don't know if maybe I had a little bit of cynicism before I met her and what I mean to say is I was getting rather depressed with the the the current dating marketplace I was getting rather frustrated with the current dating marketplace swipe dating just felt like such a A big giant waste of time And yet it was a it was an addictive process too. I can tell you that I was literally addicted to the process The addicted to the swiping it was like the hamster getting the pellet. I was incredibly addicted to it I was addicted to the attention. Many of you give me beautiful attention, which I've been addicted to that as well But I literally reached a point that maybe in some of my videos. I was a bit bitter Bitter cynical and such now. I am judgmental about human beings who operate with a level of unconsciousness now I'm here to be the wake-up call So if you watch my videos enough if you it's like the definition of insanity if you're doing the same thing over and over again Expecting different results. I'm going to yell and scream at you to snap out of it Like share said to nicolas cage and the movie moon struck So, um, but thank you so much for that. My beloved brings me so much joy. I can't begin to tell you um And and I feel like it's only going to keep getting better Because trust Is built over time And when you know that listen, can you absolutely trust someone a hundred percent? Do I know that this person is going to be there for me? Do I know it? I feel really confident about it It does suck though when you've invested your heart into someone And they pull the rug out from underneath you They don't love you anymore or they they don't want to be in relationship with you anymore That feels like the biggest betrayal of all When someone says the word I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you and all of a sudden I want a divorce. I want to break up I think the signs are there We oftentimes refuse to see them. This is why I I I view relationships from a 40 000 foot level But the ground level more from the human behavior perspective understanding the importance of emotional maturity As being the bedrock to a successful relationship And a lot of times people bond in their traumas And find that they're attached to someone and there is love there But unless that's a clean love And they genuinely as I shared in this podcast they make you a priority in their life They genuinely make you a priority in your life It's sad when they say all of a sudden They don't want that with you anymore And it becomes harder to trust again That's one of the greatest challenges these days is being able to trust You know what I know I'm kind of a giddy kid I'm piggybacking on what was shared But I've dived into the deep end of the pool because you know what I love the line from the movie Shawshank Redemption where Andy Dufresne says Get busy living or get busy dying Look at I guess what I dove into the deep end with her And you know what if it doesn't work out I'm gonna be fine But I don't think that's gonna happen But if it does what's most important when you genuinely love yourself That's why I wrote my book What the heck a self-love a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work There's a link below to get the book when you genuinely love yourself You're you're it's like a vaccination to emotional chaos You're better prepared to navigate the challenges of life when you say you know what I'm gonna be okay no matter what And yeah, I'm incredibly attached to this person. It would hurt and sting But you know what I've fallen down before and I'm gonna get up again Because nothing is guaranteed and if I've learned one thing after losing my son You know somebody can be there and they can be gone in a moment And what we have to do as human beings or at least this is my invitation for myself And my invitation for all of you is to appreciate every moment And to continually express Attention affection and appreciation and most importantly acceptance To those people that you're calling your boyfriend or girlfriend Because that builds those deep roots of trust Because nothing is guaranteed But what you can do is savor every moment with a person when you're consciously Co-creating a relationship together. Is this sinking and is this resonating? Thinking and is this resonating? Please let me know. Please say yes, Jonathan. That sinks in with me Ah, thank you so much All right, we have a lot of questions now whoo Ah Catherine says I knew my sweetheart was serious about me when he introduced me to his friends and his family early on Since they are all very important to him and he wouldn't just introduce them to any female way to go Catherine Ah Daniella says Question What is a good time Wine for moving in together. I'm in a committed relationship and wondering what is reasonable expectation on this aspect Well, this is a really tricky one It's funny. I I Right before I met my beloved. I went to a speed dating event And I met a woman who was a a therapist and I Because I love talking to therapists I asked her some questions and she said my practice is filled with people Who have just that because of covid because of the increase of cost of the cost of living She's seen a lot of couples who have moved in together and now they're going through couples therapy And she and she says it's the men who are initiating the therapy sessions This is a marina del rea california So I thought that's kind of interesting I think what's most important when you're going to Move in together is first and foremost Is the integration of how you're going to blend your lives together Including your furniture and your habits within the home. I think that's an important thing You know, I shared with my girlfriend yesterday. No, maybe it was today. I said I'm so grateful you made a home for us. I'm really grateful that she we used her furniture It wasn't a combination of both of ours. We used her furniture because she has great taste So that's one of the things Number two is definitely have financial conversations So as I said before in the book eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman Hey, there's a movie ticket Chapter Chapter four is on The cost of love work and money. I think it's important to understand your professional capacity and your financial Contributions and have what I call economic agreement when you choose to move in together knowing that Very early on not fine Like I know a couple recently that they didn't have this conversation And they already had moved in and like they were having a challenge because he expected it to be 50 50 And she thought it was going to be 60 40 or 70 30 You should have had that conversation before you you know, you signed the lease with one another I think also Understanding or at least having a backup plan if it doesn't work You know, it's funny. My sweetheart's best friend said to her Before we moved in she goes he said to her, you know, one of her best friends I should say he only knows this is you know, a trial run, right? But I think you should have I don't want to say an escape clause But a backup plan if it doesn't work out at least having that At least having an understanding so you don't find yourself blindsided if something doesn't work out Um Those are just a couple off the top of my head. I'm sure if you google on You are on youtube or on just or if you go to google and type in what what's a good checklist before moving in together That might be a good idea to do that All right, let's keep going rena says question Someone I dated recently asked me about my parents on the first date. I didn't mind the question at all I wondered how to ask the vital How was your childhood question? Oh, I love this one. Okay, great so um I remember um A client of mine just was in a similar situation and this is what I suggest she was dating a man who was from israel And if you if you understand so, uh, if you know anything about, um, that country, um, mandatory military service is Required for both men and women. It's mandatory military service Either way, there might be some benefit to that on some level, but that's another story here in the united states anyway um She said wow, you're from israel. She goes. What was it like growing up there? What was it like growing up there? She said did you have to serve military service? And he started to Uh share about that experience and then she went on to say wow, what were your parents like? What was your childhood like? And you know what he said My mother was a despicable human being my mother was a despicable human being And she paused and you know, she was very empathetic and sympathetic at that moment, but she followed up with the question Mainly because we worked on this in coaching She followed up with the question How did you heal from that? And he said healing what's healing As she found out more about his past relationships He had a pattern of one woman after another after another after another This is a person who probably didn't heal his childhood wounds and traumas Which made it difficult for him to lean into a relationship folks. If you're not familiar with the book Where is my book? No, I don't have it here. Oh here it is. Hold on a second Folks, if you're not familiar with the work of the Hoffman process I highly recommend checking out this book by the way the links below The Hoffman process is understanding our childhood wounds and traumas And adult traumas that causes to have negative patterns limiting belief and weaker emotional maturity in our relationship skills So I highly recommend every one of you reading this because there is going to be a polythera Excuse me of questions that are being asked of you that you could ask of a man In the early stage of dating or if you need some help with that, that's my area of expertise to navigate that for you So you don't have to spend You know five or ten thousand dollars going through this program I can help you with that specifically as well for you. But anyway, great question. Thank you so much for that one I really appreciate it All right, genica says question What happens as a woman that makes Wait, what happens as a woman that makes me feel like giving up on men Is it social media? Is it online dating? You're talking about it You're talking about it now kind of I'm sure it's me feeling okay and alone first off I started this conversation I said, why does it feel like it's war when it comes to dating mating and relating? I think I thought about war is because war is traumatic war is dramatic war is frustrating war is painful I didn't mean it in the physical sense of of buildings being blown up I'm talking about the emotional war that we're experiencing because of social media Because of swipe dating apps. We are in a technological world where we weren't designed for this You know just I want you to think about this for a moment Folks, do you realize that? You know neanderthals was roughly 200 000 years ago Okay, neanderthals was about 200 000 years ago and only 10 000 years ago. Did we build a civilization? Here in this thing we call the planet earth And do you realize that electricity is only about 120 years old? We humans for 199 800 and and night Wait 199 9 9, you know 900 years. Is that right? You have to subtract 100 anyways you guys get the point We were basically cave people operating I mean basic instincts It's only recently in technology. So technology has changed everything on how we meet with one another And a lot of people will say we're men are provider protectors and it's all instinct. No It's not all instinct In fact, since I opened my big mouth I want to read you the 10 things you must know of whether or not he's he's capable of a serious relationship So hold your horses here for a second The idea that men or women are different is a narrative many dating coaches will have you believe And it's why many of these relationships fail because men and women are more alike than you think beyond these three or four things Number one and I'm going to share with you 10 things That you must know first off. Yes, we are we as as as you know, the male and female species We're instinct in our genders. There's an instinct and number two. There's a biology within our genders. That's certainly true Number three, there's a socialization of boys and girls. So that makes up our emotional framework Is the socialization? And then we have the imprinting from our our primary Caretakers and just like that person from israel that said his mother was a despicable human being Most of us have been imprinted by our primary caretakers to have a unique bit of individuality between us Number four our age and life experience our our perceptions. Are we married a marriage minded adult traumas? Divorce job loss kids baggage all this stuff affects our emotional well-being Number six our culture and our religion Establishes our values to some degree and how we're raised So this is beyond the provider protector in the nurture narrative and men are supposed to do this and women are supposed to do that Plus our social economic status Worthy you were born rich were you born poor and born into rich or poor average that affects our emotional well-being Our physical health our appearance our physical attractiveness that affects our emotional well-being Are we introspective and more importantly Do we have a level of emotional intelligence and relationship skills? This makes up a lot more of a human being in in interpersonal relationships than just because men are provider protectors This is just a small piece of the puzzle Because the biggest piece of the puzzle is is this person emotionally mature enough? And do they want a relationship and do they have the skills to be in a relationship? And that's why I said earlier serious relationships are on the decline because we're on a decline partially because the dismantling Of what once was this foundation Of a healthy happy life Was living in you know in marriages and families in a family unit in a village That helped us feel safe and we're so disjunct. We're so Dismantled from that. It's in no wonder coming back to a point that social media pulls and tugs at us and dating swipes tug at us In a way that fucks up our emotional well-being Well, that was a rant Did this make sense? Did this resonate with you? Please let me know Let's see what your comments are ah Anyway, well, I think you get the gist of where I'm going somebody still thinks I'm a nutcase Anyway, let's come back to Those signs that he's not serious He refuses to commit or define the relationship You don't come first in his life. You're not a priority He's barely interested in your life He doesn't ask questions His friends don't know about you He avoids sharing his feelings with you about anything and he refuses to talk about a future with you That's just some signs But when I shared in the tire in this entire conversation Has a lot more meat to it than these just signs and my hope is for you Most importantly that you establish the standards Of what you're looking for in a relationship what commitment looks like for you And then maintain those standards through your boundaries and as brunet brown says boundaries are simply what's okay And what's not okay for me and don't be afraid to speak up as I share in my book Because because if it's sincere and from the heart You can't say the wrong thing to the right person And if you're having regular sex with someone you have every right To share what's sincere and from your heart if it's material to the relationship I hope that lands with you tonight. I hope that makes a difference in your life I hope I'm making a difference in your life by sharing this content All right, I think this would be a great place to wrap up today I'm going to wrap up as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic shot at the mark of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone pet a teddy bear pillow. There's a teddy bear Give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank lia and pretty and jenica Denise Kim Jump cut some of these names melanie Daniella patricia india Danya god kathryn all of you live learn more live learn more linda everyone. Thank you so much Wishing you a super duper wonderful day or evening. Thanks a lot. Bye now