 the other one yeah with the phone okay let's see how it is when we settle to record shut the door and do we have sound on the screen we do yeah it's recording yeah will you see the sound yes i do okay you're connected yeah okay hello we are back hello and welcome to another vlog my name is Kwame and this is hi I'm Elaine and we're happy to have you here if this is your first time tuning in we make vlogs about our relationship as obviously an intercultural couple and intercultural couple yes and anything else that we experience yeah yeah fun fact we've just had some bad fufu and it knocked Elaine out yeah so I just woke up from a nap so I'm very mellow yeah but in today's video we're gonna talk about something that comes up quite often but we haven't made time to talk about here on the channel and it's about you want to tell them Kwame's pressure yeah I mean I wanted to do an episode on the pressure to provide and I think this pressure especially comes for with with men in the relationship or people identify as the men like the bread winner or whatever role gender roles attached to that so I thought it would be interesting to talk a little bit more about that yeah because it comes up when we talk about it and I think also in Ghana where the gender roles are very strong I think more people feel the influence of it so we thought it would be good to talk about it talk about it yeah yeah so traditionally traditionally I mean the world is changing now but traditionally the role of the man has been to provide but I don't consciously ascribe to that notion because yeah but it's still ingrained there somewhere but I think I know where it comes from for me okay so let me ask my first question then so where do you think this pressure to provide comes from so it's not necessarily to provide for my family or you per se but it's more about to be able to be comfortable I think for me it's to be able to be comfortable it's much more important to me than anything to be able to afford the basic necessities without having to worry about it I said I don't have to think about what to eat and how to get the money to eat and now that I have a partner of course it's also part of you know making sure that we're both comfortable but it's not necessarily wanting to do it because I'm a man yeah so I want to provide a certain comfort yes for yourself and the people around me yeah yeah so it's not necessarily a man provide for a woman and family thing in my mind where I believe it comes from is growing up with you know among certain people or different kinds of people you have as they would always say you know the fingers are not the same you have people who have different luxuries that you do so you're exposed to for example going to school and seeing you know people have certain things that you may not have and as a child or yeah as a teen or whatever it is it's nice that those people have these new things that you wish you also had for yourself but in a home where maybe your parents only believe in providing the the very basic as what they can you know you have clothes you don't have to have the Nike yeah you didn't miss out on anything but yeah you have clothes you have shoes you have somewhere to sleep you were dropped off at school but you didn't have to have the newest Nike for it you know and growing up with people who would have that and all those things would you know also make you feel like yeah you also deserve such things because it's nice to see them have it and for the most part when I would ask like my dad for example for those things for him he didn't see the need for them where you were like no you're good yeah you're good you have you have your sneakers already so what do you need so this I think birth a certain spirit of wanting to find my way around these things creatively so how do I for example get my own money to buy these things that I want and besides buying it also be able to buy it whenever I want like you know to sustain myself the comfort so then the idea to get yours is what the mindset was born yeah where it was born so okay give an example of the things you came up with yeah so for example I learned I self-taught myself how to use curl draw at the time to design curl draws it's a software design software yeah to design t-shirts and we came up my friends and I came up with a group no we built a t-shirt brand yeah okay yeah we used our names to build a t-shirt brand and we call it verse five and we made and sold t-shirts that's how we were actually being able to like generate money that's one of the items and who was buying your shirts the school the people in school yeah people in school and there was an era where people loved custom teas okay like to have their names on it or is that insane or is that there was oh we actually milked that era the only stupid thing we did was we used to blow the money instead of save it and invest it okay but that's fine how old were you I mean yeah we're 19 yeah so that's fine yeah okay so that's where it came from okay I've always loved comfort okay and now nowadays like how do we experience that pressure to provide comfort how does it like appear in your life so now I mean the thing is psychologically the better you get at it the more you want yeah that for me that's if I can speak of it I feel sometimes it's like do they call that like a slippery slope it is a slippery slope because the more comfort you get the more like there's always another level of comfort right and for me it's a bit worrisome to sometimes observe that because we often overlook that we are already comfortable we're already working hard to have a certain level of comfort and just be grateful for that instead of always on to the next thing I love your entrepreneurial mindset but it also has a downside that you're not able to ground in where you are now and always onto the next thing yeah do you recognize that I do recognize that I do recognize that and it's just it's just something that I mean has to be meant to be worked on that the insatiable need to I mean want the next best thing and besides having the next best thing to also think that no you can't be complacent when you've had enough you can't relax when you've had like oh yeah you know I have a buffer in my account it's fine yeah but you're spending the buffer so you need to like you know build on it the points where like you know you can comfortably travel do these things like you know without feeling like if you live a little it will affect your basic yeah so it's like on the one hand it's your entrepreneurial mindset like always wanting to innovate come up with new things and then you also somebody who really appreciates quality in your life so I mean if you also look at our videos you can see the quality is up to certain standard but that's really how common works like if you want something he wants to do it well so that also translates into you know gadgets other things to get in your life you you appreciate those things but I also think there is a certain element of fear no there is fear there is fear how does it's like the fear what's the fear part so I've had a morbid fear of a terrifying fear if I should say of yeah not being able to have the basic things I don't I don't want to like so if you've seen people go through how it looks like or feels like I don't know how it feels like per se but if you've seen people beg for basic like I want food to eat I want this it's it's sad right and you do not want to get to the point where you are burdened on someone me mentally I cannot I hate yes I am not good with asking people for things because it's either they will not give you what exactly you want or the time you want it yeah I understand and and you don't also don't want to think about wait I want water and common water I have to ask somebody it's basic it's like the the the Maslow's hierarchy of needs it's just a very basic thing your food your shelter and all those things should be something because you've witnessed that's from up close that's where it came from it's not up close as in I've lived not yourself but yeah but you see it yes you see it and you think to yourself that whoa it must be hard to you know yeah like me almost says I'm afraid of hunger it's one of the biggest fears man yeah yeah I remember that when you decided or that when we talked about you wanting to quit city that was also one of the main things you were worried about yeah that you will not be able to make enough to live yes but if you're not able to rely on other people how do you see that you like are now with me and I would not let you go hungry right I can I will there is yes there is that how does that work so there is that that makes me relax a bit more than if I were on my own okay so I bring small comfort small yes that makes me relax a bit more than if I were on my own honestly so that is one truth but also in my mind yes my wife is there to support me if there's any issue yeah but it's not my wife is going to take care of me so I'm chilling no it's not like a free ticket or something no I know so it cannot sit in my mind that if for if for nothing at all I have to be an equal partner or equitable partner yeah bring my equitable best to the platform or the relationship so I think you you're doing that and you have always been doing that yeah but in your mind you still feel the pressure yeah it's just like yeah that's a lot yeah so how much do you think of that pressure comes from the gender role because traditionally luckily we're finding more hybrid forms of partnerships yeah in many shapes and sizes but traditionally for example my grandparents the man was the breadwinner when a woman would marry I am I am not very traditional in that sense thankfully I am with somebody like you a partner who understands this collaboration that we have to provide for ourselves and our family so yes I want to provide my bit and exceed if I can but how but it's not it's not necessarily a gender thing I don't see myself as a breadwinner or as head of the home and I don't have that pressure to provide as a man necessarily it's more as a partner yeah that it has to make sense that the burden doesn't shift to one person no okay so for me I don't I if and I love to take care of the people around me when like so it's nice to be able to take care of the people around you when you want to without you know it's been so it's not necessarily because I'm a man I want to do this no but it's more like yeah it would be nice to just up and go somewhere with your family without worrying yeah yeah not because you're a man who wants to take his family out but because you are a person who wants to hang out with those people without having to worry about work all the time yeah so you feel it's more character based then yeah for me okay then I have a great question for you okay how does the pressure to provide connects to your pressure to protect because that's one of the things that's very oh pressure to protect is is is something that I don't have to pay for so it's it's something I can't turn off but I feel that's very gender you think it's gender based yes I would I would actually I would actually agree with that so for example Kwama really likes to drop me to places and like he wants to make sure I'm safe I've branded it in acts of service yes I know you've branded it but I do think so the pressure to provide is also if we say per pressure to provide is the pressure to provide comfort and for you comfort and safety are very linked correct yes so there the gender role does come in because you feel like maybe also because I'm not from Ghana so that gives an extra dimension yeah but besides that yes it gives that extra dimension but in my relations with most people around me especially my yeah so where the gender thing is female friends yeah especially when you want to protect them yeah where the gender thing comes in especially yeah with that I am like bro don't even come close to us yeah like he's very if somebody would come to me and Kwama thinks it's not like right or anything he will come and like make himself big and this is his low voice and then he will literally scare them away I'm not getting or I remember one time there was we were at the place and I'll cry was nights like we were going out we're getting drink somewhere and then a guy I think he grabbed my ass or something and you were around but you didn't see it and then I was a bit like star told and then I told you later and then you're like no no it's fine like I just wanted to share so I think that one is very so it is a bit linked right yes to provide to comfort safety yeah yeah so there you have to give that some credit to general okay um well we already talked about how it appears in our relationship I think it's pretty clear but how can I provide some comfort or ease by I cannot lift that pressure for you because I think I have to I have to mentally um work on that first yeah I think I have to mentally work on that first before I can let somebody you know take over or take a certain part of it off my shoulder but what do you think can will help you in that journey like what do you have any clue at the moment no yeah I don't think I have a workable clue as to how it should go at the moment in my head is just like yeah make more money yeah that's what's in my head like make more money make more money coming from your entrepreneurial mindset yes your fear of hunger yeah but as for the fear of hunger at this point it's not there like that anymore yeah but right now it's more of the love of comfort yeah and peace of mind yeah like fuel food electricity internet the average thing I don't want to think about it yeah so it makes me want to be on my because we at a certain point you would need to work on it because if it's like a never-ending like urge then you will never fully be content and and you always be longing for more and you will not you and you may not have the room to live yeah because I think maybe outside of all the elements where they talked about we live in a very capitalistic world so the longing for more even though we might not necessarily consciously make that effort you will still absorb that mindset right because productivity is always rewarded yeah so longing for more whether it's more money more time more travel it's it's almost engraved in this world because we're like the more it's the same with youtube the more you upload the more rewards you get yeah so the longing for more is always there it has to be worked up here first you kind of have to untangle that a bit unpack it a bit yeah yeah but it's not all negative I think it also makes you driven but I think it's good to keep an eye on what it does to you and also how it affects us because for me I can I can tell him that we are comfortable we are okay look around us we are good but I can say that a hundred times but if you don't believe that oh I believe it but it's still long for more I just don't want to slip yeah I don't want to be caught slipping I get it yeah that's all I believe it yes yeah but you understand that that always brings a certain tension yeah hello yeah so what time yeah well I'll unpack it some more I would be very curious to hear or in the comments read if you recognize anything out of our conversation in your relationship or you as a person yeah with your relationship with others as well and whether you are a woman or a man or whether you recognize it from your family history or you recognize it from your current relationship or from your friends we are very curious to hear yeah if you're also experiencing this or yeah observe it in your environment and how does it affect you yeah so very serious topic but we think it's also important to sometimes unpack things that are not easy yeah and as you can see we also don't have the solution yeah not yet it's a process and it's good to be aware of things and share things and we'll figure it out one day at a time yeah yeah in the meantime oh like subscribe and comment on our channel yeah and we'll catch you in the next video yes cheers