 No, I don't think I was surprised clearly the enemy was surprised We're going for a fight losing 48 friends and colleagues That was horrendous Once you dropped a fire mission the enemy would go up and inspect the craters And they was a massive firefight going on there was just rounds and shit going there is a white flag flying over Stanley Are you marvelous? And it's great. It's great you come on the show mate because I I get a lot of bloody Because of the nature of the military stuff we do Yeah, which is quite ironic because as everybody knows I'm I'm I'm all for peace I think as adults we can find a better way than blowing the hell but more importantly, you know, I'm a It's not something I dying out on and but I've suffered trauma in my life, you know and and when people guys in the Marines and Now that stuff I handled it Shouldn't sound blasé, but it like didn't bother me Being in the scrap and you know, we lost a lad over there in Ireland You know, I'm not gonna say it was great, but to me that was just like the job, right? but it's It's the fact that I know how much A childhood can damage you right and set you up with challenges for life It's not a complaint because as I tell everyone I live in paradise now So I use all all my experiences have brought me to a wonderful place You know and if I if I hadn't had horrible experiences as a toddler. I wouldn't be The guy I am now, you know doing the job that I love talking to great people like you With a family that I just never could have bloody dreamt about and and and I've achieved all my go You know pretty much all my goals really But I Get a lot of messages following like the Falklands podcasts this sort of thing from Young people sell Chris. You mentioned my dad in your podcast He died in the so-and-so or you know, he was in a chopper that went down in the folk And my message to all of them my reply is Come on the show Yeah, these are the stories we need to hear not not the heroes running up mountains Black, you know, black and off rounds at Argentinians or whatever it is that that's you know, you can get that in any Rambo film You know I know, you know, we we need to hear the real cost of war Um and not not just in a war context, but as parents we need to know how to deal with our children and and and what You know the slightest thing that you do Badly can impact upon them You know For their lives so when you came forward and said your dad was a boot neck. He was down south Um, he took his life Um, but only after you you know, you'd had to go through A fair few ups and ups and downs with him Him battling his PTSD. I'm just delighted to have you on the show And can I just take this moment to anybody else out there if If you have a similar story to Sean's Um And you want to come on the show. Yes, please please do because When you won't run away from trauma your whole life because oh god, I would you know It what what that does in our brain is it cements the flight or flight fight or flight mechanism That like chatting with a guy on the podcast is like the worst thing in the world. It's going to kill us And that programs our brain to think that that's a threat, right when it's not it's just two guys like we are now having a chat um and This is the effect. This is the nature of trauma is it is it really screws people up for life And a lot of people spend that life then just running away from anything that might be slightly uncut and and it It's all bad programming. So What i'm trying to say is mate is congratulations on I think being the first that actually went. Yeah, I'll come on the show um perhaps that's Partly due into fact that we're shipmates you you served in the navy um But welcome mate Cheers, thank you 4 a.m. April the 2nd 1982 Argentine navy cameraman filmed their invasion of the fulcrum islands Frogmen landed first from a submarine followed later by the main assault force Now The situation as you might hear is that the radio station has now been taken over If you take the gun out of my back, I'm gonna transmit it here, but i'm not speaking with the gun in my back By 7 a.m. After fierce fighting government house was completely surrounded In london There were rowdy scenes in parlor swiftly followed by resignations the government turned to the armed forces Yes, what what what did you do in the navy other than you know kiss boys? Actually, I mean my trade was survival equipment. So I worked so closely with aircrew and stuff like that I mean I did some live survival and some sea survival stuff So basically as an se you're packing life rafts parachutes and stuff and anything that you'd get aircrew to do You've got to do yourself. So obviously I never did stash training, but I did a r5 drills dunker Air four two seven which was running around new forests and then getting Strip naked afterwards and screaming child without interrogation Which is quite good actually because the interrogation bit that was easy compared to The way the old man treated me. So I got marked above average for joint services interrogation organization So, yeah, I mean yet basically bread and butter is parachutes my brass and then pulled dry breeze pulled drills Sea drills working, you know the aircrew closely. So, yeah, I did a A few ships company drafts squadrons of 771 search and rescue everyone bounce around illustrious arc And then out in the Middle East a bit a man So it's a bit. Yeah, your bread and butter is sort of like life rafts and stuff But you can go on to do this one Get yourself to America or not So I did the training later on in life because what we used to be offered years ago was the combat survival instructor Which is what I think the last two weeks of selection So I as times have changed over the years. They changed it to all sear So I did I did a few sear courses and that but It's all suffice should have done in my earlier trade not like later on in life So I did them again. You think you're just going around again. You think I've done all this monarchy, but you know organizations change and it's like Yeah, all about and I did I actually I did have an opportunity to work with flip search group raw marines, but I was having some mental health problems and some marriage problems and I just said to I think the color side of war is that now's not a good time. So I've got new one rips and then went back to cold rose I picked my stuff with a wife and then had to move to cold room. So, yeah, I mean from the trauma aspect it has affected me with a lot of stuff, but Try not to let it beat me, you know bad peaks and force around my career and You know, I could have gone on to do other bits and pieces, but It is that impact. I think from seeing your old man come back from the forklings and It was it really wasn't good, you know, I think for me The age of 14 seen my dad grabbing on by the throat with a tea towel. We're in Paul Walsham place that uh Paul Marie quarters, so I had to leg up to the guard room and say I think my dad's trying to kill my mom. I was 14 at the time, but I'm not stone. That's 15 stone So I left out of bed screamed like a girl. You put the windows in in the Marie quarter the doors I've gone by the throat. I mean, what do you think you see that? I mean and it's Yeah, of course mate and and I know to a lot of people watching now um This is familiar territory may You know, this is this is domestic violence and um, exactly, you know Many people out there including myself have seen this. I'm just thinking mate. Should we not mention your surname? Um, not not because I don't want to do you any discredit But I don't want people to watch us and think like we're slagging off of the raw marines or any Now I know it's tricky isn't it and the thing is I mean, it's still obviously I'm not my dad's mates around I've been being at all kinds. You might know him. He's an excellent neighbour at pool There's Pete Rudford. He's now in Denmark. I think Mike Fletcher who's up in still an old bro for me a few years ago when in the British You know told me some uh stories and I left there in bits of Thanks, black. So yeah, honestly not not a problem. And obviously I don't know all all it is is that I I'm big on mental health. I've studied it. I've worked it. I've written, you know Three fucking books about it And it's really important to understand that as horrible as behaviours may seem and and and they're awful The individual is still a bit, you know, is still suffering Um, it's like those people go. Oh, well, you know drug addicts they take all the drug. It's oh fuck off You know fucking grow up you stupid You know People try to Get their lives to such a low Depraved level that they're dying on the street and you think they freaking choose that, you know, you're an idiot, right? So All I'm saying is I just want to recognize here that, you know, if you're a bloody 18 19 Old lad down south in the Falklands. It was ferocious Um, obviously not for everybody but for some it really was hand to hand stuff Um, I've heard stories that just Bloody hell, you know, I know I've got mates my age that won't even talk about it because they're so damaged by it all You know and and um, this takes nothing away from the pride that I feel at my fellow Royals what what they did, you know, it's the only podcast that bring me to tears, Sean, you know Um, so all I thought is this, you know, uh, um Maybe we I maybe I'm doing this wrong maybe but but um I don't want to you know, I don't want to like Highlight one particular individual if that makes sense This is some this is something across the board Uh, it's something we've got to get to grips with we've still got people now Taking sides in in the ukraine and they just don't get it, mate They don't get that when they're going, yeah This is men women and children that are just getting Blattered into smithereens And there's repercussions And I don't care about the adults because they're all big enough and ugly enough to deal with themselves and But there's bloody children. I I really You know, they they get so overlooked Of course, you know, and I get people again on my show. Oh chris. I'm a military brat And I'm like, don't say that that's been programmed into you because you've been to so many different freaking schools You've been bullied so many different times that that you you think that you're I don't know what Maybe it's precocious bit or what It is part of you and it's not it's just a reaction to the trauma that you you've bloody been through as a As a child, but anyway So just tell me did you say dunker drills then or did did I Do dunker training that it's also for it's quite funny because obviously anything Do like obviously cool drill seed drills as an se when you're getting promoted like you have to go and do it Also, I don't see professional training and leadership training. So yeah working basically try to drown air crew Obviously the aircraft craft ditches Air crew need to know how to scale obviously I need the dunker they need to learn how to use a stass if your nbcd drills I think obviously a lot of the kits changed. I've been out in our years So yeah, it's basically you're trying to draw it drown air crew. So the navy tries to drown you So obviously the navy likes to try and drown you and set fire to you Was that yovelton? Yeah, you ever said I did the dunker I actually did it civilian as well because when I left the navy I was looking at Into the military security. That's why I did the the mursk stuff up at the Bozier course of an Aberdeen So yeah, it's all it's all right. I mean, I think the first drill I did actually It's only the first one. So you're not upside down or anything. So I I'm released too quick and found myself on top of the unit. I thought what you're doing So yeah, it does put a bit of fear. I mean I got me I mean I was a bit anxious at first when I did it and then when I did it for So the fuss about but also some of my mates weren't Wasn't that happy about it? And obviously we knew a lot of the safety divers as well So you're trying to escape the unit and they're trying to drag you back in by your feet Say you like cheers for that Mate we did it right I was so lucky I was so lucky in my time in the Marines because a I got to do two power courses, which is very unusual Won't go into that now, but anyone who's seen my previous podcast will know why But also and and also the paracourse thing I've got to just say this but in the Marines they think it's really odd Sean to get on a paracourse And it's not it's like literally you phone up the course and go can I come they go? Yeah come next week It's it's that freaking simple, right? So um There's that but the dunker drills thing we didn't do it in training. It's normally part of your 30 weeks at Limstam And for some reason Something crossed over and it was like sorry guys. We're not doing dunker drills. So of course you're all like Shit, you know But when I served on hms invincible Uh, it's a lot more relaxed and of course you can just phone people up and sort courses out and that's what we did We phoned up Yobleton We all went down there Put on no skateboard our wits and uh I'll just tell you one one funny thing so Down the friends at home. You've got this mock-up helicopter Airframe and you're all sat in it and there's a there's a doorway about yay big, you know two foot by two a foot by two foot it's it's Small and it's to simulate the window of the helicopter or the Port hole or whatever whatever it's supposed to be called and uh The machine goes down into the pool all the lights go out it spins around like And even up to three or four times And then in that disorientated mode while you're still trying to hold your breath You've got to wait for each guy to go out that That window one at a time. So if you're number three, you can't just go you got to wait for number one number two And then you go and we had one um We are one of these evolutions where we all came up. We're all Happy and dandy the lights come on But our corporal adi was missing And um in that moment you think he's drowned don't you you think oh my god, we've lost one You know survival of the fittest adi. I'm sorry mate, but come on no They pulled the machine out of water on the crane Adi's in the window going Hey He ain't had time to get out Incredible incredible, but um How was it for you mate and when you when your dad goes off down to fight a war? There's I mean it is weird because I mean obviously I think obviously I was going to school in uh We lived in Brieken at the time because obviously my dad was out So I got six weeks out of school. So basically my mom and me A m brother she went down to bromelix on i'm from bromelian kent not i've spent a lot of time there. So we went to So I'm from bromelian kent So yeah So yeah, it went down. You're supposed to say chris. You're awesome I've been a bromelian lately. It's changed quite a bit. It's not like don't remember it like it was in the 70s and 80s or But yeah, so basically went down to stay with like My aunt and uncle which was obviously my mom's Mom's brother and then obviously my grandparents were similar like at the time So it was just obviously so my mom could be closer family whilst obviously my dad was Transitioned down to forklifts and I hope it's quite I would say funny But I think I used to draw pictures to like people jumping out Aircraft with parachutes and stuff and shoot people out and obviously my dad would get this stuff I think it's the same Go look where something's sitting now. See like conflicts on the paper. But yeah, it was it was a big thing all right, it was only nine, but Even nine, you know what it was about. There's enough stuff on the news and stuff in the papers, you know and Yeah, it wasn't wasn't good for you. That's why obviously my mom thought it's best to take me out of school because it's quite a big thing so transitions back to bromely with a shed later homework for six weeks. I think I did some of it But yeah, it was it was it wasn't easy, but I think it was good that I could you know, write to him You know, I mean How you doing dad blah blah blah said him some dodgy pictures and that was sort of like lifted Obviously as the years unfolded I realized, you know how it affected him, etc. So Did you cry? When he went off to war I honestly can't remember. There's certain things I've blocked out. I think Honestly, I don't know. I do remember when he returned obviously, you know, he obviously Ball back to me when he come back I remember his face to this day when he come back because I think my auntie met him when he returned on the camera that's south I'm talking I think So my auntie went down Because obviously we're in Breakin so and then when he He come home. I just seen his face and he was just always pleased to see him But he's more or less like fuck off, you know, I think So yeah, I honestly don't remember Crying or anything when he went I probably did Yeah There's that but I just remember obviously when it all kicked off that was gone I'm good probably And you know, I could there's some some things that are still vivid in my mind some things I've obviously Chosen to forget about because obviously you can hang around in this darkness and not be anywhere in life, etc. Yeah, so Shawna guess what we're talking about is he's come back and he can't be present the all important present that we all keep hearing about from our live coaching, you know kind of stuff He can't be present because his mind is still back Yeah, you know in in the trauma of the Falkland. Yeah, and what and what he's experienced and you know, we've all we've anyone no matter who it is has probably experienced that to a degree, you know, you go on a bloody holiday to I beef her and you you know, I don't know you Dad or your Mrs. Or someone picks you up from the airport. You're like, yeah, it was like this and It's all about, you know, you're like still there, right? But of course In with the Falklands. It's not freaking I beef her is it? It's it's very dark Like you don't want your money back if you went there, haven't you? What? Yeah Yeah, you say you say those pills were shit Do you do you remember what your dad was like Before he went what what what your relationship was like? I think it was still a bit, you know, I think I do remember seeing windows and all broken Oh, I'm married cause I think I was about six. I remember him Probably still being a bit volatile. So I think he was of that nature anyway, because you know, I I'm Horrible to have to as a child, you know My granddad was in the RF and He'd lived out of that So I think before the Falklands, it was a bit of a problem And when I lived in Malta, I think that was for what I lived in Malta And obviously I don't remember all stuff seeing the pictures But my mum said that he was a bit But then and this you know, I was sort of about I don't want to So we're certain traits and behaviors and aggression, etc We see conflicts and depending what you're witnessing It's Relationship, I think he tried because I said I used to spend a lot of time Offering condos workshops and that was great. I've paid him toy cars and I've done welding stuff and beating stuff with an anvil But just every now and then you do something he just Flash big stuff. It's like a mercury tilt switch. You know what I mean? It's like well the hell we're done, you know, I've done something really trivial I'm gonna give a head rips off, you know, I mean Yeah So now what we're seeing is signs of generational trauma. So he's clearly He's experienced this as a child. This is coming from your granddad Sorry, I'm sorry to be like blunt, but no other fuckers talking about this mate and somebody needs to You know and and I and I I'm I'm not holy than now because I see that in myself with my son And I have to stop myself and occasionally I can't stop myself and and it's awful You know Bloody shout them out and they've done fuck all basically Except be a kid um And yes, and of course the recruiting pool for the military Is very much people Not not a hundred percent, but A significant proportion Have had Very damaged childhoods um so Just trying to build a picture here Sean for our audience, you know um It's not it's not all war and tea and biscuit and medals and rambo and and all this it it's It it's horrible. It's horrible. It wasn't great. My childhood was shit. I mean, it wasn't always bad, but Luckily for me it could get out climb trees. I don't know be able to know good what we're going to swim in rivers You know playing fields and stuff and I had some good friends and I never it's weird because I never really spoke about a lot of stuff because Yes, you're in the 70s 80s teachers were that good either you get a slap on the head locked in cupboards Guys well, it's like I don't want to talk to you know Make I'm just sorry. I'm I'm talking a lot because I just want to make sense of all this I know exactly what you're talking about Childhood in 70s Was very abusive school was incredibly Yeah, you know Some of the things that teachers did to me in school If they were to do that in this day, they'd get like five to eight years in prison No question no question, you know, but back then it was completely acceptable And of course for somebody like yourself You don't need to be having this abuse in school because you're already Going through This nightmare at home Yeah And it's it's the ultimate in unfair right Yeah, it wasn't great, but like I said, it's weird because I I think I was quite resilient for you. I scrapped at school, especially when you're moving from say like Climber up to Scotland or extra they're back down in the door saying you you speak like a joke You say I'm from Bromley and Ken. I was forever fighting and You know I get into some Going back when I was a young age. I don't say my ring go home crying That's why I'll give you something to fucking cry for is it? I've just had four lads three years older than me beat the shit out of me You know me and I'm coming home get a new one ripped I'm like, this is great, but I think I did. I think I just fuck it I don't give a shit and they just cracked on did what I could but like I said for me I think things will come to fruition or the chickens came home to roost when I was in my late 30s And it the bottom fell out of my world You know me as I what the fuck is going on because I obviously bought the stuff up I said something to my wife. She met me dad before he passed away. Let me mum and I said look I first met wife. I said, I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing So I explained a bit about the childhood everything the jaw went up She couldn't believe it And he's always tried to get me to stay in touch for a moment. If something wasn't done with it Just no fucking interest to be honest You know, it did affect me and if If I said he didn't fucking lie Sean were you watching like the The coverage of the war It was quite fractured because obviously I think the marines told the BBC to fuck off that, you know, you're not coming I've seen bits and pieces of it on the news and that and then I obviously uh The son newspaper the son says stick up the junta and stuff like that. I remember stuff like that I remember reading a few bits and pieces. So yeah, I'd seen a few bits and pieces But I wouldn't say I wouldn't have to wait to watch it I think for me it was just like as long as I can write to him get some dodgy pictures sent to him and That's that's my bit because again, you know, it's It's quite a bit to get your head round and I said, I can't remember Everything from I knew where I lived. Obviously when the fall was kicked off Breakin in far a briefing in scotland. Obviously angus And obviously coming back and it just has each year went by how my dad got progressively worse, you know, I mean and I see them You know, it was it was each year. I'll say I know he still tried because I know when We'd left scotland and it was Drafted to pool, you know, things were pretty bad at pool But you would still say like don't come to workshops. So I'd go a metal ship metal smith workshops and then Put some witness and stuff or I go and spend a bit of time with the illustrators going like drawing and stuff So it was good, but then it wasn't you know Yeah, it's weird. It's just so complex. It's like how can you like hate somebody and love someone? But that's how I felt and you know I don't a listen look every little boy. Sorry girls out there. I'm I'm I'm talking as a little boy. We we loved our fucking dads, you know We loved our daddies that that's ease your daddy And some of the behaviors You're too young. You can't make sense of it and what so what you do is you internalize you think oh, I'm wrong I'm I've done, you know, this is me And then we carry that for lives until we finally Run ourselves into the ground in my case. It was through chronic addiction Um, I know you've got your story Sean and that when we reach that bottom moment fortunately um If we don't kill ourselves first We have a moment when let's just fucking call it god speaks to us or mother nature sends us an epiphany and and and We wake up and we realize hang on this isn't our fault This isn't We've done nothing in this, you know nothing and yet we're carrying this burden and we got to stop it now We got to start looking after ourselves and you know loving ourselves in the way that that We weren't when we were kids and we and um and that's that's why you see people make You know huge huge changes in their life and and you know I'm talking to someone now that that clearly has but But I want to take this one step at a time mate because I'm I'm you know, I'm I'm equally curious, but I'm equally keen to You know get get the full picture here. So had anybody made it clear to you That like your dad's in an elite force You know, I don't expect they'd say the nature of the scraps he's going to get into down there, but That he might not come back I don't think anyone actually did actually I think I was aware of it. I think it's weird I think I was quite perceptual as an idea. I was thinking yeah, if he's going there I might not see him again. I think I was aware of that. I didn't think anybody had to spell out You know, I think I was aware see raw marine's do etc And it was always funny because being at school when you had to write about what what did that? So I'll see raw marine goes on exercise blah blah blah blah blah And so yeah, I think it was aware. I didn't need people telling me that You might not come back. I mean like it's like I can't It's it's trying to picture A lot of stuff because I obviously go back to get all your shit together You go to a problem a bit and then get back over and your dad's back and then it's for me Yeah, I'll see I'll remember pit bits before but now it was always afterwards as he each year went by how Which is more pertinent in my brain. I expect Yeah, I've got it Without I don't want to give any like personal detail away, but was he scrapping on the mountains down there? It's a bit I mean I found some suckers Because I know he's four five enough. I think in that would be an announcement I think they're attached to the logistics and that but I do remember Fletch saying a few bits and pieces. Obviously when they're obviously shooting a aircraft as I'll see shot a few things out the sky etc and then obviously Changing out that etc and just people getting blown to bits or I think there was some ship stuff as well I was like it's because obviously I got a lot of this when I was older, you know, I mean that's probably about Just before the Navy etc and he said about people getting blown to bits One minute somebody's there the next minute they're gone. This is either we're on a ship or shore side. It's like You know, people get you know, there they are and then obviously somebody's screaming and I can eat half the heads missing and stuff And I thought well that's gonna affect you, isn't it? But then I think going back is Stuff the damage was already done with my dad a while ago and obviously the Marines does like to breathe aggression but obviously channeled aggression. It's not about obviously Going out Well, that was another thing. He did like you'll dust off at the pop coming back with black eyes, etc So obviously that's another thing in the mix. Don't pull that out dad. You fly out there and Yeah, it's it's all I was having a chat about because obviously I don't want to say oh, yeah he was you know any of you've all whatever but you know That's how we Yeah, but we've already established mate. He you know, he was a damaged person like and and I I'm exactly the same as your dad. I've just You know life has been better to me in the respect that I've been able to get a grip of it Or you know, and I this is not this is there's no judgment on this podcast You know, I wouldn't I wouldn't do it You know, we can sit here and fucking slag off this person and his celebrity and It's just a shit thing to do. You know, I rather You know try to get some truth out there and You know We've already established that your dad's most well, you know, it's not it's not for me to say but If I had was a better man, I'd say I think he's Added quite a damaged childhood himself. I think he's probably joined the Marines because it seemed like You know a good a good way out of things a good chance to prove himself in in in life and and and achieve and there's no There's no shame in that All the time that you're not you haven't dealt with this trauma It's going to keep rearing its ugly head and of course We've already again established this was a time when people didn't speak about this All brushed under the carpet child abuse domestic violence, you know sexual abuse mental abuse, you know Whatever it might be was it it wasn't really understood People were way more worried about their public face than they were about admitting that actually like I might have a problem Can I can I get help there wasn't help there for people you had your gp Who'd just prescribe you some fucking valium or some shit and and and you know How does that help and of course you had the pub? And the pub was the big thing for a lot of people's trauma, wasn't it? Yeah Yeah, so I do remember because it's weird because I went back to our growth area about 12 years ago I went to the rosy louis hotel and that was a A thing that it was a response for a lot of roommates But they got back from the fork and there's a bit of lunchtime drinking etc I think one of the owners is still there because the family got business at the time Obviously, they're they're outside and then obviously there's a car backfired at about four or five Boonex hit the deck because obviously they are affected because they're thinking something's going on But yeah, this lady said to me, you know, what happened? Obviously my nibbretone from the port was a lot of them get together It's going to have a few wets of lunchtime and go back to work half-calf Yeah, you knew that besides like I said, I was aware of PTSD and that I think growing up It was a call to that I was thinking people would say shell shop but it's it's It's definitely Yeah, like I said, there's a bit of some peace I remember in it visiting, you know, our growth It's breaking and funneling again about 12 years ago And some people are still around and then having a chat about stuff and then piecing things together And then obviously stuff like that and then obviously the family environment and that and it I mean even if there was more help out there I don't know if my dad would have gone and asked for it to be honest I don't know because it's like a leap forward in it I don't need any fucking help blah blah blah Yeah, and they're still shitted it now Hello rulemarines and navy and army and are it, you know You know, I'm gonna say it because my mate fucking killed himself two weeks ago That's not good you know And here's the thing and and And anyone listening who knows who I'm talking about will agree. He's just like Nicest guy you could ever Got to try not to get upset here, but I went on our Facebook messages, you know and um the last picture of him was Holding up my books and great read chris. Thank you, mate, you know and and he was a high-ranking non-commissioned officer. So it was quite nice for me to have that You know that support from someone in quite a senior position that fucking loved me and my charity stuff that I do and and and it was a very special um I won't say how many children he left behind but It was significant and and You know, we need to get this sorted out Because he could have come here I wouldn't have given a shit if he'd knocked on the door at 12 o'clock midnight On my fucking birthday christma. It doesn't matter No, no, I understand how many is no he could have fucking slept on the couch and we could have talked through it and we could have sorted it And I can't believe And I know I'm fucking speak for loads of people It's not there's just no fucking sense in it mate, you know this and and I'm not saying we should be able to make sense but We need to stop this macho bullshit because it don't work No, exactly. It doesn't work. We're 300 suicides a year And god knows how many in the usa. It's clearly not what um Which and again, it's why I'm I'm so grateful shorn that you've come on the show, you know No, thank you. Thank you for the environment I mean, obviously, I you know, jeffery is from obviously veterans. You know, I get since I saw obviously I reached out to him So I'm trying to do a better work for him. So obviously and I think it's I've been working in health and social care for about six years. So I've anything from learning disabilities to autism Homelessness and then obviously I did a brief spell with nhs, you know working psychiatric units at various hospitals Homeless patient advisor, they'd learn into splitting autism team and do a bit of full work But I've been working for core rural community charity since July last year and obviously my job is massive and varied And do deal. I do give some referrals from our courage. I've got somebody I'm working with now, which I'm trying to get sorted out And it's just trying to link all that stuff up. But it's still disjointed and it's not working, you know So I'm in the process of trying to reach out to other cic's, etc You know people like jeff, you know Everyone to try and put it together just so you've got more of a layered safety net because people are still sleeping in there and People aren't talking. I mean a lot of my my clients are mental health and I can build up a good rapport ready then signpost and some people you have to They just don't want to talk and then it might be text Phone call email that might fall down. You can't contact them. There's a welfare called police, you know, and it's And I can't just forget about some I've had sleep this night It's a whole lot because I'm thinking has Was I the last person somebody spoke to and they've ended their life, you know And it's always gonna resonate with me because obviously with that and obviously people I've know, you know Somebody I knew in the Navy ended a life last year about six seven years ago I'll work with an RFPTI when I was a city of Boston County ended his life. I was like and it's I think it resonates with a lot of people obviously It's close to a lot of people some people block out and I'll talk about it But I think talking here if you get somebody to talk that's half the battle But he's getting our person to talk Sean do Where did your dad come back to did he come back on the Canberra? Yeah, it's definitely you definitely come back on the camera. Yeah, because When he come back, I love I've got a souvenir brochure of the Canberra Also, I had some algae gizzards as well some folding shovel and an Argentinian's helmet and a book in Canberra I thought I think it's really a little bit different than you know, I mean those little glossy brochure Yes, could you imagine if the Canberra had a full contingent of holiday makers on it at the time They sorry folks would we're not going to Barbados. We've got a divert to an island called the Falklands in the south Atlanta and by the way You're in the middle of a war Well, I would have been carrying down at Falklands. That would have been a carry on film Of the worst variety. Yes Yes, but let's again, I'm going to give another shout I think I did this with when I spoke to Jeff Williams the other day um They were civilians on those cruise liners that you know, they weren't big, roughy toughy rule marines They they they were stewards getting handed a gpmg and saying How do I fire it? Not not because they didn't want to but because they wanted to they were like tell me how I can support the boys, you know Incredible my my cousin um Hello, Brian if you ever get to watch this my cousin was the lead stewart on a qe2 all right, you know Funny actually anyone that remembers wicker's world You know they did it. They did a qe2 special and my cousin was the captain of the football team at the time But uh, yeah, Brian was down there. You know bloody Falklands for god's sake. He's a stewart on a cruise liner um Amazing so Your dad come back into was it southampton, wasn't it? I'm pretty sure because my auntie Margaret is sister. I think met and you know when obviously you come in Obviously, we were back. We were back in uh, yeah Scotland And I'm sure yeah, we were yeah, so I think Maggie She went and seen him And you're all you're all excited to see your dad and you're saying that he just wasn't you know, he couldn't be there Yeah, but the thing is obviously the transition down there Obviously the conflict and then transition back and then obviously traveling then from southampton back up to scotland Probably would have been a nice potter's bone shake on it back to buddy four or five whatever and then Probably they're no dry for him back to breakin. So I understand, you know I mean, but obviously when you're like sighted little kid wants to see your old man because you know, you're gonna see him again, etc and He did not look good Yeah, of course and and and these are the moments that traumatize us the these are You know as an adult now, I bet you look back. You can remember it like it's yesterday Yeah, there is it's weird is what I do Certain things I obviously I can't remember and other things that are clear as day, you know, I mean, you know what he was wearing so I think When he used to get to work say where there's obviously Potties on his stuff. I'm used to come back before before the complex I would take his parties off and stuff like that's things I did, you know, this is just like bonding time who is So they were good times, but then I just think Again as the years Passed it just that started to leave me. I think because it was just Not a good place to be so that's behavior got more Aggressive and violent as the years went on Yeah, definitely. It was sort of like You know, I know I mean, my son's 18 this year. There was no way I would speak to him I mean, yeah, I don't I've lost my ride before and I've let people hang on a minute That sounds familiar. But yeah, it was. I mean, I didn't think twice about calling you a cunt or grabbing old to the idea, you know, like that and it was just great and Yeah, you're a kid, aren't you? You're going to get up to no good But I don't think I was that bad to be honest. It wasn't so like my brother was a bit more problematic but again, you know is I'm not really eight years older than my brother So I'd witnessed a few more bits and pieces before he did and then over time when because of The dysfunctional family my brother had to go to a corrected boarding school in Ramsey because nobody could handle him in School and my brother is very damaged. He was the one that Tried reviving my dad when he was 16, you know, I mean, he obviously tried to revive an old man at 16 You know, he's you know, he's 42 now and 50 this year. He's Was this a drinking thing or something? No, I know this is obviously when he was When my dad ended his life in 96, he'd overdosed on coproximal. So my brother tried reviving him White spew come out and stuff and then things I was lucky. I was basically cold. I was 24 not 16, you know, I think Can we just take this one step at a time? You say coproximal. You don't mean co-cold anymore No, it's coproximal It what kind of meds is that if we can just paint it because obviously I don't Familiar with df1h that's even to be quite a good thing for boot necks when they're in pain. So I didn't know coproximal was opiate based And I'm not trying to be pedantic here folks. It's it's just I suppose it's very similar to overdosing on paracetamol which is a bit stronger than that I mean, I don't know the ins and outs of it But it was definitely coproximal because that's what he's described because he had, you know, a bad left He had a knee operation in the Marines, which wasn't the best Hang on. It's yeah, it's it's dextro Propoxaphen hydrochloride. So it's um in the opiate family. So, you know opiate morphine Reason I'm asking is If you're a drinker Heavy drinker and you're on that shit. It's quite easy to die Accidentally, was that ever established? It was it was intentional because he tried in 95 I was doing the cenotaph and Lord Mayor show in 95 and I tried to get over To go and see him. I spoke to one of the phone. He sounded really really bad And he told me that he tried in 95 and I couldn't because obviously I was Bloody Lord Mayor show on a Saturday from and so no at the cenotaph on a Sunday And then obviously a year later then So I found because when it all happened, I've obviously got some time off. I was basically cold roads at the time I went to Mottingham. That's where we were living and I found half a suicide note and it started I mean, I think my brother was my mum moved out. So I'm staying in this house where it happened and I found a suicide note you could see I said, sorry can't hack it anymore and then the let did just And then that was that And there was still voicemail messages on the phone as well. So I'd be picking the phone up without phoning And then dad's voice is still on the phone So, yeah, it was definitely intentional because obviously 95 he tried it and then He obviously got pissed up and popping meds, but if you leave in a suicide note or half of one, then you You pass pass away, then that's that And it like say it was the coroner's report was he death by suicide or Yeah, I thought it's um I'm Sorry to push the point, but was it I'm kind of assuming your dad was drinking He drank a lot. I mean the thing is he was I know, I mean when he was in Sydney he worked for a 24 hour recovery company So obviously he wasn't drinking and driving. It was when he was coming back Smashing in some day and then Yeah, I'm guilty because obviously when I used to come back and leave I'm we'd go and have a few wets but Sometimes I didn't want to go even the only way for me to get my dad at the time because of all the shit that was going on Was to get a fucking shit face and then go back to the RN and dry out, you know, which isn't good, but it was bizarre because I'm not long being in the Navy went over Christmas leave and That turn around call me a cu nt and I said look the only cu nt in this house is you know, we had a fight Which wasn't good because my mom's screaming He's got hold of me. I've I've held back. So no, I'm not getting into this You're my dad. So I stopped the bloody elbow through the bloody living room windows like fuck's sake But if I stopped going back on leave if you say I joined the Navy at night So I still I passed that training or your weekend I would go home and see my parents but he was still conflict and stuff I'm scrapping on the dad or scrapping the bloody cities in the Prince of Wales This is shit. I mean, that's also one of the reasons I joined the military Sean are you Are you aware now? That when he's calling you this stuff He's projecting himself onto he's seeing you as him Yeah, and he's He's feeling the hatred that his dad not the hatred isn't the right word but Yeah, but his my granddad it wasn't obviously when my dad's trauma it wasn't granddad I mean, obviously his upbringing was probably quite stiff up a lift for that But it wasn't you know, there might have been some things because I think my dad was a bit rude But it was what happened to him You know probably sexual assault from not a family member Obviously, I think you're where he lived at the time it was that and I didn't know that till like 19 Something happened to him horrible when he's like five And I found it out when I was like 19 and then obviously I was like fuck So then everything for clues abuse or that went into my head I then got more and more angry with myself because I thought I could have supported more but I didn't like him you know me so It's quite yeah Come on. I'll teach you that Will you find out Because obviously child ours adult eyes are two different things but because he's the same person Yeah, I I'm Again, I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm I'm just trying to highlight how it is you know When a person's just so uncomfortable in their own skin and they're feeling feeling such a sense of worthlessness And that the whole life's been a fuck up and a failure to forget fucking marine that you can get a green berry that that's doesn't You know that that doesn't change things from deep down childhood trauma And then what happens is when you have your own child you start projecting your feet you start to see them as you in your eyes and when they for example you know Go to hit the nail with a hammer and they Fucking miss That's that's you missing that now and you're like, wait Fuck fucking hell. It's not that You recognize this, right? It's not that fucking dip just fucking hold a fucking nail and hit the fucking nail you know it it it it's it's It's not even projection. It's it's seeing that person as as as the extension and and But I also want to say Is that doesn't take away the love that they feel for you It yeah, you know It's it's a It's a curse for them You know I knew all that because I think it's fingers. Well, I think I'm trying to think because I mean I did I did field gun in 96 I was up at old school. My dad did come up to old school. I mean, I was injured I crushed my fingers So I was working on the bubbles and we don't come up. It's fucking absolutely shit face better Mine's got boot necks up there parrots all sorts of good And it was absolutely trolling and I can't remember because then As soon as we would have come up to visit him later on Well, now I then went back up again. I think I went up back up by myself just to see him And we sat down and had a few words and he said I'm sorry. I've been a shit dad And this is sort of like mid Mid 96 and that's the last time I I spoke to sat down he burst into tears even I'm really sorry I've been a shit dad And then obviously December 96 gone I was like But I knew he did but it's because he was so Who's ill like my like my brother said I had a chat with a brother yesterday and his words were I didn't know about PTSD. I thought he was just a CUNT. I didn't realise he was ill. I said So I I knew he was ill but still thought he was a bit of a CUNT. You know what I mean? So It's I knew but it's just hard, isn't it? It's when you're growing up with it and you want to move forward And you're like I did I fucking hate him for a while because it was When I was about 15 when we were after when I was 14 when I'd see what I'd try to do with a mom about a year later It's 87. I think my dad was on resettlement. So he's working in London. They come back to cool And then I come back and he really wasn't fucking happy. I was 15 at the time. He fucking grabbed all the way Called me a CUNT had a had a plane Did up the plane triangular piece cut it in the chin I went I was gonna honestly I was gonna knock on his ass. I thought you can get the fuck off me I went in the garden and we had a pilot pilot wood on rather hutch So I picked this fucking pilot wood up through across the fucking garden got hold of a six inch nail I'm fucking bent it out pure fucking anger. So I thought I don't need this shit anymore So we'll see things calm down a bit again And then we then left pool when I was about 15 Moves to Mossingham. I mean things That's any it's weird because things died down a little bit. We're in Mossingham Not a lot because obviously then we does transition from being a war marine to civic work on building sites, etc We're in Mossingham. I thought southeast London. I do not want to fucking be here. I've got a good bunch of mates back in pool and So I was in my last year at school things had died down a bit My brother has been a bit of a of what's it? I think he put He put a ball through somebody's you'd be playing outside in the flats in Mossingham So I could put ball through somebody's window obviously smashed it Fucking dad's gonna have See you don't see but grab dog and fucking laid into him. I'm about something that's Get the fuck off him leave him alone And he it was things because we used to grow up with Germans jeffers as well Don't have a beat fuck out the dogs as well. You know, I mean, it's not you're hearing you fucking four-legged friends And stuff like that. It's just it was everything. You know, I mean, it's like You know the effing in the jeffin the the physical abuse the you know resistance to interrogation, you know, I mean it it was just not good and I knew box, I think mostly hospital I think is the child's psychiatric assessors. I think I do remember Trying to think how old my brother was we lived in pool. We had to go and be assessed. So We're all sat in this room. Obviously the old mirrors and stuff They'd ask us questions and I thought I was thinking to myself. Do we really need to speak to the family as part? That's what my brother sparks. You know, I mean, but we're all fucked and that's you know it wasn't easy And I didn't I'm a bit more open now about talking about things but I still do obviously don't want to just Slate him because he was my dad and it's hard because You know, I don't repeat myself Love someone but you've hate someone. It's that how Mate, I'm gonna interrupt you there. We're not slating anyone. Yeah, we're highlighting Yeah, I of course I get that but I just You know, it's really important. We understand that pretty much life is set up to traumatize most people Just if you don't believe if you don't believe me go and read a beauty magazine mate Go and read a beauty, you know, go and watch any Hollywood movie You think it's about the hero? No, it's not. It's designed to tell you that you're a fucking failure And that and that your life is shit because you haven't gone out and box Apollo Creed Or you haven't gone out and shot a load of people up in some forest in vietnam You believe me set up to traumatize all of us and we're not here to slag anyone off Nice. I understand we're here to highlight the fact that once we start to understand this life can be, you know We can Get life better for everybody Yes So I keep interjecting ish on because there's so much If we keep playing the traditional story No one learns from it. We all just think oh my dad was this oh And and but if we can like make sense of it we can all we can all all learn and and um And we can all The reason I'm saying this is a real big thing for me to be able to move my life on from the point where I was dying You know I was injecting drugs 12 times a day. I wasn't going to last much Much longer, you know And it It wasn't until I was able to frame it all For what it was not not what I thought it was What it was That I was able to start going oh I hadn't considered that before I had I hadn't thought about my parents and what they went through I am thought about the fact they might have just been fucking crap at dealing with life Through their experience and once I understood that then I started to feel really fucking sorry for them you know really Just pity that the shit that they must have been through And you know you can apply that to any anybody that's caused you harm Yeah, um and so Yeah, I just think it's You know important to sort of establish that Gosh Now in typical crystal style. I've completely lost my train of train of thought No, you don't you don't understand everyone's because obviously you go around kind of say well Some of these lists some of these that you don't know because everyone's got a story, don't they? Everyone deals with stuff differently, don't they? You know some people are a bit aggressive some people are introvert or you know, it's People react differently in certain circumstances, don't it? It's like run away You know from the head on, you know So happy medium Yeah, well I think what it is is to get You know when I talk like this very often I get a reply. Oh, yeah, but I'm never forgiving and it's like Yeah, fine But then you're never going to move on ever You're going to be stuck at that four year old or six year old or 15 You're going to be stuck there for your life and now you're putting that on your kids Yeah, we've got to be able to unpick this Make sense of it go. Ah, right. I get it now Okay, it wasn't about me. It wasn't like, you know, I was about no it wasn't it was circumstantial and We can smile at the morning sun and fucking move on into a great great life where we're happy We're as balanced as we can be We're productive. We keep our vibration high. We we you know, we put out good message to other people that That they can they can empathize with and I can see that you've already done that Probably saying this for the sake of the podcast mate rather than you Sean But How how did you find out That your dad was dead Well, basically I was around Mom was seen to be in Lord's house in Penzance and had a phone call I think it was my mum said uh Because my mum had had a split up by this time She goes, oh your dad's in hospital And then that's a great and I knew because obviously having found out about 95 and then The feeling in my stomach and then in about an hour later mom phone back eyes He's uh He's dead, which I saw like I knew it was going to go that way and then So next day I had to go to work. So I'm sat in the crew called Rose and Mississippi I've got a ball of kiss. I get you for connects on So I said with upstairs burst out laughing So I know his row looked to me. He's like, what the fuck? So I then spoke to my chief. I said, uh, I think I need to go home because uh my dad's Take his own life and it's like so I think I ended up with about three weeks off. So I went home Sat in the place where it happened by myself drank a lot And it was weird because I was numb And then I gone there for a bit and then I think I like I can't remember if I stayed up for the funeral I had to go back. I can't remember again. So some of My dad's mates Not loads of people came because some people got the dates mixed up people were pitched up late in that so Yeah, obviously went up sooner than the coffin, etc It was weird because I wasn't yeah, I think I wasn't sort of like I think it was worse when I found out I don't know who passed away about 10s for years get cancer. I think I was in more More emotional about funeral than I was at my dad's because All right So yeah, phone call from sorry I should just explain I'm I'm weaning myself off bloody opiates at the moment for my rupture disc in my back and it's um God There's ever a lesson you can learn It's really not nice. I'm trying not to it makes you sneeze like man, which is really weird, but Sean sorry, sorry, mate Carry on Yeah, I said obviously I found out by a phone call from my mum. I was on my girlfriend's parents house at the time and then obviously Went home on leave for a bit compassionate and uh Yeah, it was a weird few weeks That's obviously staying in contact with my chief. Are you all right? And obviously some days I was Pissed up. I'd ignore the phone call because I was just sat there I mean I didn't get any counseling or anything. I had no counseling as a kid for childhood trauma nothing Your dad obviously there are people you're going to see obviously maybe first port a call for a lot of people in the forces Going to have a chat with the best, you know, I mean and then take you from there, but When you're a bit messed up and you don't know what to do and you You've been a bit problematic in the forces drinking too much and getting up to no good Then you just deemed as being a screw in you That's the thing God, excuse us mate Um Tell us about the funeral because I'm guessing his oppo's came Yeah, I can't remember There was a couple of people I thought would have come didn't come. I can't remember this I think Brothers came thank you. Was it was it a military funeral? Well, we did because I was a poor bear I mean my brother was going to do it as well, but obviously he's like there's somebody else so carried it I always didn't really carry it in obviously last post afterwards and then we went and then because he got cremated And but what happened what happened was Jeff wrote In 96 what was supposed to happen? He because he's from the lake districts. His ashes were supposed to be scattered in the lakes Nothing ever happens. I think What my dad thought was if he ended his life and pulled the family together it did the complete opposite So mom said she was going to go to lake district Scattered ashes three years passed. I was on the fearless So I went home some more to go his ashes Took him back to the fearless and said come on do commit of ashes So got a casket made we just left Gibraltar and then obviously Come in committal of ashes ceremony in 99 off the coast of Gibraltar Because I thought was very out to be the next blue neck, etc. So yeah, all my best mates of 4f2 Helped to that but got a slab of beer afterwards. But yeah, it was just the funeral itself Some people pitched up Some people didn't because the dates were wrong. So it was military issues and X boot necks me and rig as a matlow carried a coffin last post off to The crematorium and then awake in the Prince of Wales Uh few beers but I don't call it a call a lot and then got a book which run got with musailas hat out Did a talk for everyone and then that was about that but I think because It wasn't really late to rest Everyone's still mixed up and in turmoil and couldn't express anything. Everyone's a bit numb or didn't really know what to say Then I'm just Sean the point I'm sort of getting at is Oh And again, I'm just saying this for the sake we can all maybe learn something is these events can be so hypocritical You know all the military want to turn up Well medals and all It wasn't like that. It was quite a low key thing. Obviously you have some people like rawmarine's association, etc medals on and stuff. I think maybe the trying to think of the bloke playing the last post might have been for the rawmarine association But yeah, it wasn't like what you know, it was quite a low key endeavor. Just Yeah, okay Just my my mate drunk himself to death and he's ex-bootnet When I saw his funeral, which I couldn't go to I On the one hand I had some stuff on but on the other hand when I saw The massive gig that they were putting together, right, you know Like the full monti military funeral almost with you know Marines flying in on trapeze and all that sort of shit Sorry, I'm joking, but It was like I was the one that watched him drink himself to death Yeah And when and when he did He had about three people rocked up at that hospital You know in his last two And and suddenly but for the funeral all these people come out the web work and it's a big fucking Bonzo fucking bonanza Royal Marines fit and I'm like hang on Where's all you guys when when We've been trying to get him to stop drinking for the last three years, you know When his body was just Like bloated his face was green He's about 20 stoning weight from the fluid that is kidneys and lungs liver couldn't process anymore and I'm not I'm not is this not sour grapes or anything. May I'm not trying to bad I understand where you're coming from. I'm just trying to say it's it's we We do the kind of you know tradition stuff really well, but we We missed like the important stuff Yeah, the emotional the well-being type stuff in it. Yeah attention And not just that, you know, it's like when someone's drinking himself So what are the what do people say to they go? Yeah, fucking have another beer, mate. It's like I know because obviously, I mean my brothers, you know, I mean We all probably had a bit of a problem with drinking these out But I had to reach out to the brother because he was like posting on facebook Happy fucking Sunday. I've been having a beer fucking 10 in the morning So I I texted him yesterday. How about do the post with a happy fucking whatever I'm drinking a point of H2 only did but then come the evening. He's doing the same fucking thing again with beer but He's calmed it down a bit because he told me the other day he was drinking 20 cans of beer a day And he was on obviously anti-depressants painkillers And I thought fucking how do we go again? You know what I mean? So, yeah Yeah Mate some of us have been there I can tell you it was a lot more than 20 cans of beer. Well if you include the bottles of rum And and life can be good after it, you know, this is this is what we're trying to get to here I want to pick up on a point that You mentioned and and I hope I hope that a lot of people watching and listening can put their troubles to bed When we mentioned this and You know, you said when your dad rocked up at the royal tournament when you were there And said I love you and I'm a shit dad That He was trying to set you free. You know that Yeah I know I do that and it it's Because obviously you know you just all could be Oh, I don't know. I'm fucking laughing. But yeah, I know I knew I know he was I know he was trying to make peace for me And that's what he he was trying to say son. There's nothing wrong with you. It's me That's what he was trying to say I got that loud and clear when I that chap I did And it was just I mean, you know, I'm guilty because I thought I could have done more for him But I resented I had this obviously in a turmoil of myself Well, I could but then it's still it's tricky for me early 90s and that mental health stuff and that in the native still plans It's still plans 10 years ago, but well 12 years ago. Oh, man. I'll fucking switch it out. Oh fucking just that Fuck it. Fuck you all, you know what I mean Yeah Yeah, just to any again to our friends out there listening to anyone who's struggling just right You've done nothing wrong There's nothing wrong with you um And if we can embrace this point then we can all just go. Oh, yeah, there's actually nothing wrong with me Is that and we can just move on? literally Literally, I I'm very mercenary Sean. I I don't deal with the past. Why because it's in the fucking past. I don't give a shit You know move forward, you know I and I can be clinical about it, you know when when my best mate Lee died Died on our holiday like literally I watched him die pretty much Drowned in drown drowned in the end after I won't even go into it But it was a one out of a night um, and I'm sat there next to his dead body on a beach in Portugal and uh I kissed him goodbye And I fucking went on and lived my life mate. It's that simple You know did I carry any guilt did it fuck off? I went on and I lived my life. Why? Because it's all you can do there's nothing Nothing to be gained by trying to establish an identity in the past Especially in trauma you know and All those people that have gone before us All they would want for us is for us to go on and live our lives You know and and um, and you clearly are doing you know, you clearly are doing You've got to try and move forward. Yeah, I'm a few glitches here and there and obviously going back to a person that Needs a bit more coaching and mentoring because obviously when people the racks were guilt and they can't change their mindset Which I know it's I think it is easier for some people harder for others talking You know if people can't just talk and you know, it's not obviously all pink and fluffy stuff But just reaching out if somebody's In clip as they say just pick up the phone and speak to someone you know, I mean So I do think it helps rather than you know, you know Silence, you know radio silence fucking out. You know, I mean, that's that Absolutely and again a great message you're putting out may anyone out there now if you're struggling Pick up the phone to someone to share it You know, you won't be the first but make sure you get the right person. Some people are not Some people just you know, they're they're going through their own shit. They don't maybe not ready for it but Um, you know share it because Times can seem so tough In that moment, but you've got to remember you are massively loved Whether you like it or not. You are fucking massively massively loved by by so many people By the universe by nature. Whatever you want to call it Um, it's just we're not very good at it Um, it's just we're not very good at it putting that across to people in this culture and Tough times don't last they literally don't and you look back at them when you come through and go fucking out God can't believe my life's so good now and it used to be like that and Here's the thing your life Is only so good now Because you went through an experience and you lived and you learned by it and you used all of that to To help you form your own mind in your own opinions and and how you want to behave, you know with with with your family um and such things so Sean mate goh, this has been a roller coaster, right? See the funny old week this week because I was out there Was a suicide prevention meeting the other day and I explained what I'm trying to do. Obviously for veterans, etc so that was Started off there. Obviously this then I'm doing a coffee morning on friday for jeff and I need money from that We'll bring to jeff. So yeah, it's been Stuff that needs to do You know me I wouldn't shy away from it because I know things need to be said and for me to From my own sanity and I mean I deal with stuff anyway I don't you know don't let the bastards grind you down as they say but you know I do have my old click here and there but because of this It's important. The word's got to get out there. We've got to start, you know Look at after your office so to speak Yeah, I'm just going to mention this as a like a last bit but like I'm I'm in a completely Different place now on on the journey so to speak um And I feel for people that are still back there Or even people that think that they've got over stuff and that they're in a good place you know there's There's an even better place you can be and it's when it's when Gosh It's when you learn to disassociate yourself With this ego identity that's been thrust upon you from birth Which is hey, I'm chris fraul. I'm uh my birth certificate is this number and my national is easily and I've got to drive and I said that I I'm a hit with the chicks and everyone I've got a lovely car and I bought this It's fucking all a load of horseship, right? That's such such a bullshit identity to live by The better identity is when you realize that you're actually part of the universe You know That the molecules that make up you shorn and the molecules that make up me They've been here since time immemorial They ain't going nowhere and they will be here For all eternity, right? We are simply the universe Experience in itself That is it, right? It's these corporate trillionaire nut jobs that have carefully Um brainwashed us into thinking that we're this Little identity called shorn and chris and that's all we are. No, we're not. We're so much bigger, you know And when you realize your universe not chris fraul Life becomes different. Why? Because if your universe you've seen everything You've been everything you're here to see You can't worry about shit Because if you did you'd have to worry like about everything dude Like you'd have to worry about em and you can't you just sit there and you observe and you enjoy and you chill And you just feel an immense sense of gratitude that that You know that that That you're here and yeah In our birth certificate identities. It's not always easy. We upset people. Well tough fucking shit and that you know because um, we We're not always going to be liked You know That that stuff can be tough to deal with But when you raise your consciousness to realize there's something bigger going on here, which you are an equal part whether you like it or not um The you you're above the trauma. You're above the care in what Karen said on facebook You know in fact, you probably won't be going on facebook But all that much um So I just wanted to say that and anyone who wants you know, who's keen to learn more um Get in contact because I can help you with that. Um It's uh, you know, we get one life shorn and I've always tried to I wanted everything mate, you know Wanted everything. I did everything in an attempt to find out my answers I guess when I look back it was You know Why was my childhood different to people's? That's that's probably why I've taken so many drugs Probably drunk more like I said more alcohol in one day than most people do in 10 years Um, it's why I've thrown myself out of planes learned to fly them. It's why I've picked up a automatic weapon and and patrol for a major city in Great Britain Or island depending on your perspective. I don't give a shit. Um, you know Willing to kill people willing to it's why I've been a smuggler international traveler adventurer Why I put myself for a universe is this all all on the journey trying to make sense of what because and um and Gosh, it's really easy. You don't need to do any of that shit Although I would I would do the skydiving if I can recommend it Um, no, you don't have to do that You just have to sit with a sun on your face and realize you're perfect You're perfect part of the universe because you are the universe. It's it's that simple It's that simple and yet some people Will go their whole lives suffering Yeah, um Because they cling to that identity Yeah, but I'm a this and my dad did this and he did that and then he did this and did it It will fucking let it go Fucking move the fuck on Right Stop trying to create your identity in the past You know if you think people are feeling sorry, you know, they're not they're probably like You know Pitying you at worst babying you along But you know, that's not your identity. There's is a You know, it's one step at a time we have It doesn't all come to you in one day um but um Leaving the past behind and understanding is a big part of moving forward You know understanding that your parents probably didn't have it easy You know, they had their horrors to live through they was just doing their best Jesus Christ people used to have babies made Didn't they back in the day at like 20 years old? out I couldn't be trusted with a child till I was 45 I My mom was 19 and my dad was 22 without me and obviously I was about 31 when my son was born so And I got to admit I thought I don't want to be a fucking father I think I said that to my wife at that time and then obviously things happen and I said, yeah, I will give it a go, shall we? You want to hear my funny story? right My son I don't give a shit. He's the biggest legend in my life that I'm ever going to meet He is literally the most handsome fella. I think he's ever walked a planet he's the funniest fella and He's welcome to do anything he wants in this life He wants to fucking wear women's clothes and Dance on the saturday night in front of drunken sailor. That's his fucking choice, right? um All I would ask of him is don't hurt other people Don't don't hurt other but that's all I anyway as such yesterday in the middle of our barbecue He stands there and he looks at me and he's got that testing look, you know when the kids want to test you You know test their test their boundaries a bit and he says dad Yeah Clingsy right clingsy's um Clingsy's a sloth a little cuddly sloth that I'm not sure if it's his or mine. I think I got Dangler is the little boy of this sloth. That's mine. He gave that to me We gave him clingsy. I think that was it, right? So yeah, he's got this cuddly toy called clingsy and um He looked at me he went dad Clingsy said you're a bastard I laughed my fucking ass off why? Because we've got to stop this intergenerational fucking trauma shit, you know We've got to live learn smile be happy not put it on to the next generation if he wants to come up with with that um, um Yeah, I I literally have no fucking issue whatsoever as long as he's happy and as long as he's not hurting people Sean Any links you want to share brothers send them to me. We'll put them below this video Yeah I mean it's just obviously it's just trying to do a bit more with jeff etc And then like I said, I'm all for like trying to get more peer support together The idea is to sort of get a directory together so people know We know obviously the nhs and healthcare systems are overstretched, etc So try to work even if it is I don't if we can make one percent difference Then it'll be a little bit, you know, maybe it is going to take a lot of time and effort and obviously Suicide prevention just a small part of my job, but it's not you know I mean, you know the people I talk to you some people are So yeah, I'll get some stuff together and yeah, it's just, you know Jeff's a good bloke, you know, he'll help anyone out etc I'm doing other bits and pieces to raise awareness and It's just it's going to take time, but you know Friends at home jeff williams W02 jeff williams rule marines um very nice chap been a long long time friend of mine. We've done a You know some cross charity working together he he is the chairman of a group called the um Vue asked veterans united against suicides He's the first person in the country that has pushed the government to release the statistics Of how many veterans are killing themselves because obviously the government don't want you to know that And uh, he's a man that's put himself on the line um Taking a great deal of shit as you do when you try to do the right thing in this life And um And uh We'll put those links below shorn. Okay Yeah, I mean that's probably a good protocol because obviously I My regular contact with jeff and it's just stuff all that build on and then get something which is Most people know about satterton and bulbrish legion and uh ball call signs, etc But jeff's doing a good point of contact. I'm happy to point people in the right direction as I think If they phone me up or drop me a message, etc, you know Otherwise it can get a bit messy. Some people won't reach out as we know, but yeah I am working it obviously trying to make things a bit Easier to access when people are waiting for gp telephone calls, etc Because obviously what's happening is people are relying on volunteers, you know, which Should that be happening? It's good that we have volunteers to do that, but in this day and age really, you know, I mean Exactly Exactly Pregnant and distorted Well off the back of what you're doing off the back of the podcast, um, we will We will help some people mate. That's no doubt You know I get a lot of emails to say thank you So don't ever think what you're doing is not appreciated because it it will be by someone somewhere You're not always going to hear about it And it might not be a media. It might be something that you and I have said now That will just be in someone's mind and in 20 years time when when They're staring down off a fucking rooftop. It might be the thing that they go, ah Hang on. What do those guys say? Live in a present and let the past go Smile at the sun Move on and remember that we're fucking brilliant That's it And who gives a shit? We're all human. We all make we all do stupid things. I still do every single day, right? But it's not about that it's about real, you know Realizing that we keep going Exactly, moving forward, yeah It's a great life. Just sometimes it can seem a bit shit Okay Um Sean it's been great, man. We'll put those things right though Just stay on the line so I can thank you properly. But yeah Really, uh, I'm so proud of you for being the first person to actually like come on the fucking podcast and just talk Um, you know just shows the barriers in society doesn't it about just talking? um And uh, really proud of you Um, I fucking know your dad is proud of you um, and you've done him proud, mate, you know and uh Life's not fair folks But nobody ever said it should be Exactly once you grasp that everywhere everything else is up massive love Thanks very much. Cheers. Welcome, mate