 And now, our Ms. Brooks, starring Eve Arden. Those backward areas of the world where voodoo is practiced, natives often put a curse on the object of their dislike by sticking knives into a wax effigy of that person. However, our Ms. Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High, scoffs at such ancient superstitions. Of course I do. Knives and wax figures are ridiculous. I can get just as good results by sticking ordinary pins into a cushion with Mr. Conklin's name on it. The hex I put on him last week didn't even slow down his latest anti-smoking crusade. As in all his crusades, the school became a scene of tumult and shouting. In contrast, my home life was peaceful and serene. That is, until last Thursday morning at breakfast. It seems Mrs. Davis had been studying salesmanship, and she decided to practice while I was sipping my orange juice. Well, if it isn't Connie Brooks. Hi, old kid, old sock old pal. Imagine running into you here. Hiya, kid. Oh, pardon me. Did I slap you back too hard? No, I always like to spray my eggs with orange juice. Oh, Connie, you're a sight for sore eyes. Yes, siri. It's certainly great to see you after all this time. You just woke me up 15 minutes ago. You never look better in your life, Connie. No, sir, never better. How's the wife and children? Well, the wife's fine, but both the children are salesmen. Now, what are you trying to prove, Mrs. Davis? That I can do what the company booklet suggests. Put the prospective customer in the proper mood. I see. And what's the next step? I haven't read that far yet. But I decided I wanted to do something with my spare time, as well as to make some extra money, so I'm selling a wonderful little item. The women should really go for it. They should? Yes, it's both attractive and useful, just perfect for the average housewife who wants to keep her home neat and tidy. What is it? A fire extinguisher. OK. Yes, indeed, there's nothing like a fire to clutter up your house. I'm not fooling, Connie. They're extremely handy and compact. I've already sold one to Mrs. Fisher next door and one to Mr. Johnson down the block. They were able to put them to use immediately. You mean they've each had a fire since then? Oh, no, dear. Mrs. Fisher is using hers as a paperweight. And Mrs. Johnson is using hers as a flower pot. I thought perhaps I could sell you a fire extinguisher too, Connie. No, thanks, Mrs. Davis. I have all the table lamps I need. Where did you get the idea to sell fire extinguishers in the first place? From you, Connie, about a week ago, remember? You told me the school sprinkler system went on the fritz, and Mr. Conklin had invoked his no smoking edict to prevent possible fires. That set me to thinking about preventing home fires. Oh, I see. Well, Mr. Conklin is still on his no smoking crusade. Has it been effective? It's had the same effect as his other crusades. Teachers who never thought of smoking before are taking it up. There's always been a ban against student smoking, of course, but under Mr. Conklin's latest ruling, if a student's caught, he's expelled. As for teachers, if they're caught twice, they're dismissed. My, that does seem severe. Still, it must be an ordeal for Osgoode to follow his own edict. I know how he loves his cigars. Well, he hasn't weakened yet that I know of, but since he's refrained from smoking, he's been an absolute bear. Grows of everybody. Oh, that must be Walter Denton. Come on in, Walter. The door's open. I better go out and get him something to eat. What should I bring him back from the kitchen, dear? You know, Walter, just bring back the kitchen. I'll leave something up. Good morning, Miss Brooks. Why, Mr. Boynton? I guess you're surprised to see me. Well, yes, I was expecting Walter Denton. I know, and that's why I came by for you, Miss Brooks. Walter won't be here this morning. He's in serious trouble. What's the matter? Mr. Conklin presumably caught him smoking behind the school yesterday afternoon. He did? Yes, and you know the punishment for an offense like that. Mr. Conklin grilled him for hours. He must be pretty well done by now. What actually happened, Mr. Boynton? Walter has been expelled from Madison. What? And for something he didn't really do. But you said he was caught smoking. Well, I found out later he was merely covering up for Bull Jones, our star fullback. Bull Jones? Well, why was he smoking? He says Mr. Conklin makes him nervous. Anyway, when Walter saw Mr. Conklin coming, he grabbed the cigarette away from Bull and pushed him into the doorway. He knew our team would be ruined if Bull was caught and expelled, and it was the first time Bull ever did it. But if you know this, Mr. Boynton, why didn't you tell Mr. Conklin? Walter swore me to secrecy, Miss Brooks. I thought if you knew about it, though, you might intercede in Walter's behalf. That might get some real results. That's true. It'd probably get us both expelled. You know how Mr. Conklin feels about me, Mr. Boynton. Oh, you have had your differences all right. If only Mr. Conklin wasn't so self-righteous. He feels that if he can give up smoking, everybody should. I know. He even said in assembly that he'd never ask anyone to do anything he didn't do himself. Say, wait a minute. What? Suppose Mr. Conklin were caught puffing away on a big fat cigar after that little statement of his. He'd be a lot more lenient then, wouldn't he? Maybe so, but how is anyone going to accomplish that little trick? Well, leave that to me, Mr. Boynton. Do you have the paycheck you received yesterday? Well, yes. Right here in my pocket. Good. Well, that one, combined with mine, should be just enough to buy a couple of good cigars for my little experiment. Can't expel a student if you catch in smoking only once. Just watch me. I'm going to make an example of your Walter Denton Harriet, an example that will stand as a warning for both students and teachers alike in the future. But, Daddy... Smoking endangers both life and property. It's unhealthy, uncouth, and delicious. Obnoxious. Staff smoked right up until last week, and you're the principal of Madison High School. See what I mean? As you know, I always tried to be fair, Harriet. But, Daddy, in cleaning out your desk drawer yesterday, I found three packs of cigarettes. Everything you found in my desk drawer, I confiscated from the cloakrooms of our female teachers, Harriet. I also found four cigars. Some of those women have the most peculiar taste. Anyway, I'll throw out all that hideous stuff the first chance I get. Oh, I already threw it away yesterday afternoon. You what? Where did you throw it? Where did... Where... Oh, well, never mind. What's done is done. Now run along, child. But, Daddy, won't you please reconsider about Walter? Harriet, you know me better than that. When I make up my mind, wild horses can't drag me from my decision. This is probably one of the wildest to try. Who is it and stage your business? Miss Brooks, sir, English teacher. Come in, Miss Brooks. Goodbye, Harriet. But, Daddy... Goodbye, Harriet. Oh, goodbye, Daddy. Goodbye, Miss Brooks. Goodbye, Harriet. Goodbye, Mr. Conklin. Goodbye, Miss Brooks. One too many of us left the room. That is strictly a matter of opinion, Miss Brooks. But, come in. In order to avoid any lengthy discussion, I know you're here to plead for Walter Denton's scholastic life. No doubt you feel the punishment doesn't fit the crime. On the contrary, sir. I agree with your actions wholeheartedly. You agree with me? Indubitably. There's no doubt in your mind, is there? There wasn't an in until you agreed with me. Somehow, I always get an uncomfortable feeling when we're on the same side. Oh, it was the only course you could take, sir. Particularly after that speech of yours in assembly, where you said you'd never ask students or faculty to refrain from doing something you do yourself. And I know how hard it was for you to give up smoking. Oh, do you really, Miss Brooks? Well, I had to do it, since our sprinkler system went out of whack, Mr. Stone has been ruthless in his condemnation of smoking at Madison. He insisted that everyone caught smoking on school premises be reported to him. I understand, sir. Well, you're better off to be rid of the horrible habit. Oh, far better off, far, far better. Notice how steadily I can hold this piece of paper in my hand since I've given it up. Yes, indeed, sir. The breeze from it is nice and refreshing. Yeah, my hand is shaking just a little, isn't it? But I'll be over that in a day or two. Of course you will. And by then, you'll have forgotten all about those big brown cigars with their ghastly taste of Havana tobacco. Yes, you're right. I'll forget all about the ghastly taste of Havana tobacco. And of sniffing the most disgusting aroma in the world. Oh, yes, sir. That is the most disgusting aroma in the world. Mr. Conklin, better take your nose out of that ashtray. It's empty. Yes, of course. Now, if you didn't come in here to plead for dentin, just what do you want, Ms. Brooks? Well, sir, I found these cigars outside the men's cloakroom and I thought I'd better check with you before I threw them in the incinerator. Oh, well, I wouldn't dream of having you walk all that distance. Just to put them on my desk, Ms. Brooks, I'll see that they're burned. Very well, sir. Then I'll be off to class. Ta-ta, Mr. Conklin. Ta-ta, Ms. Brooks. Ah, come here, you brown, oblong beauties, you. No, no, Osgood, put them down. There's no smoking allowed in this school. Oh, one or two puffs can't do any harm. After all, I wouldn't want to lie to Ms. Brooks. I told her they'd be burned. What a delightful taste. Now, where are those matches? Ah, here we are. Ms. Brooks, what do you want? Oh, nothing, sir. I'll come back when it's lit. I mean, in a bit. I displaced my hat and I was wondering where I left it. Your hat is on your head, Ms. Brooks. Oh, that's where I left it. I think I'm beginning to see through your little game, Ms. Brooks. My little game, sir? You wanted to tempt me into smoking, didn't you? Please, sir, you shouldn't make such accurate or wild guesses like that. You thought that if you caught me smoking after my speech of the other day, I might be more lenient with your precious water dentin', didn't you? Have I hated on the nose, Ms. Brooks? I can feel the cartilage cracking now. Mr. Conklin, it's true. I do want you to reconsider Walter's expulsion. It simply isn't fair. He wasn't smoking when you caught him yesterday. He was covering up for Bull Jones so that our football team wouldn't be ruined. And it was the first and last time Bull ever tried it. Oh, so that's it. Well, that does put a different blight on things, doesn't it? You mean you will reconsider your decision, Mr. Conklin? I most certainly will. Oh, thank you, sir. Not at all, not at all, Ms. Brooks. Now, not only water dentin' is expelled, but Bull Jones as well. What? Excuse me, sir. Where are you going, Ms. Brooks? Just out to the incinerator. But you left the cigars on my desk. Who's thinking about the cigars? I'm going to jump into it myself. For Denton and Bull Jones are being expelled from school on a smoking charge, and he has to notify their parents. Walter didn't expel. Our Walter? Why, that's terrible. Connie, isn't there something you can do to help him? Yes, I could keep my mouth shut. Oh, Walter just came into the cafeteria, Mrs. Davis. If he comes over here, we've got to do our best to console him. He must be terribly upset about what happened. He's coming over now, Connie. Greetings, fair ladies, on this sorrowful day. Hello, Walter. Please join us. I'm just starting to eat lunch. Oh, no, thanks, Ms. Brooks. I just stopped by to bid a fond farewell to my late teacher. I'm only starting to eat lunch. I'm not dead yet. Are you very upset about what's happened, Walter dear? Oh, of course he's upset, Mrs. Davis. How could he help but be? Oh, no, no, really, Ms. Brooks. I don't feel so bad. This is no time for bravery, dear. We're your friends and what our friends for, but to sympathize and console. Well, the way I figure it's all for the best. And anyway, isn't the only school in the world? Just think to yourself, perhaps it's all for the best. Anyway, this isn't the only school in the world. Is there an echo in here? We're going to miss you, Walter. Yes, Walter, we certainly are. The morning use aren't going to see the same without you, dear. Less liveliness, less gaiety, less laughter. More food. No, Mrs. Davis is right, Walter. It won't be the same. Something will be gone from our lives. Yes, something very important will be gone. Something very important and very dear. Oh, look, Mrs. Davis, there's no use crying. Walter knows how we feel about him that we're going to miss him. Gee, I don't want you to cry about him. Perhaps it isn't as if I was going away forever. No, that's true. He isn't going away forever. Get some other kid to drive you to school, Ms. Brooks. I know, but it won't be the same risking my life for the stranger. Still come over to visit you? Yes, please do, Walter. Come often, Walter. The refrigerator door will always be open to you. Okay, now dry your eyes. I still have to get a few things in my locker, but I'll see you both before I go. All right, dear. You know, Mrs. Davis, he isn't taking it half as badly as he should, considering the way we console him. Ms. Brooks, Ms. Brooks, something awful is happening. Well, we know all about Walter, Harriet, and there's nothing more I can do for him. It isn't Walter, Ms. Brooks. It's Mr. Boynton. There's nothing more I can do for him, either. He's acting absolutely crazy. He's in the little room right next to Daddy's office this minute puffing away on a cigar. What? But he's never smoked before in his life. Well, if Daddy catches him in his present mood, Mr. Boynton will be fired. Ms. Brooks, you've got to do something right away. Come on, Mrs. Davis. It's nice to see if that fire extinguisher of yours really works. Good grief, Harriet was right. Mr. Boynton, what on earth are you doing? Have you gone crazy? You know Mr. Conklin's rules against smoking. Indeed I do, Ms. Brooks. Say, his cigars aren't bad. Not bad at all. I never smoked one of them before. I would never have guessed. Put that thing out. Mr. Conklin might be back from lunch any minute now. That's what I'm hoping for, Ms. Brooks. What? You've been talking to your frogs too long. If Mr. Conklin catches you smoking, you'll be fired. Well, I'm fully aware of that possibility, Ms. Brooks. I shall always stand by the boards reeling on smoking in public schools, but I simply cannot condone Mr. Conklin's high-handed treatment of Walter Denton. He doesn't deserve to be expelled. So I know not what course others may take, but if Walter goes, I go. Thank you, Patrick Henry. But I agree with your stand, Mr. Boynton. If Walter Denton goes, we both go. You mean it, Ms. Brooks? Just hand me a cigar and stand back. Ms. Brooks, you're not serious. Well, frankly, I'd prefer a pipe, but, uh... Cigars seem to be the only thing you've got, so hand one over. How about you, Mrs. Davis? No thanks. I swore off years ago. I can thought, if you two can do it, I suppose I can too. Good. Got a match, Mr. Boynton? Here you are, Ms. Brooks. Oh, say, this isn't bad at all. Is it, Mrs. Davis? How about you, Mr. Boynton? I see we're all accounted for. It's not bad at all. How do I look smoking a cigar, Mrs. Davis? Lovely, Connie. The brown of the cigar goes very well with the green of your face. Feeling all right, dear? Now I feel fine. This little room is certainly filling up with smoke quickly. Yes, it is. Isn't there someone we can nominate for something? Mr. Boynton, please stand still. I am standing still, Ms. Brooks. No, you're not. You're gliding around. Mrs. Davis, I don't see any reason for you to bob around like that. Bob? Yes? Your name is Philip. I asked the three ladies with you to stop swimming. You really must be feeling the effect of that cigar. Oh, now the whole room is going around. Here, Connie, lean on me. What's going on in here? Oh, hello, Mr. Conklin. Ms. Brooks, point it. Mrs. Davis, what is the meaning of this outrage? This room is filled with cigar smoke. Ms. Brooks, I'm talking to you. Well, say something. You value your job, I insist on an immediate explanation of this disgraceful display. Certainly, sir. This is merely my way of protesting Walter Denton's unjustified expulsion. I knew I'd be fired if I were caught smoking like this. Well, if water goes, I go. And I go. And I go. You keep out of this, Margaret. What can I fire you from? This is mutiny. That's what it is. Mutiny. Now, I insist you go back to your battle stations. A classroom! But I'm smoking, and we insist on the same punishment meted out to Walter Denton and Bull Jones. We've got our rights, you know. Connie, you don't have to wave your cigar in Osgoode's face to make a point, do you? Oh, let her wave it. Let her wave it. Hmm, it's nice. Ms. Brooks. Now that I know what's behind your hair-brain scheme, I refuse to be a party to it. You and Boynton are staying. And Walter and Bull? They're going. Lock the door. Yeah. Now, no one say a word. If he finds us in here with all this smoke, he'll string us up by our T-zones. Mr. Conklin, will you reconsider your decision about Walter and Bull? Ms. Brooks, you know I never alter any decision I make. Once I've made up my mind that they go, they go. Then I'll scream. Then they stay. God, maybe you'll leave. Yes, sir. There's no sound out there. My, that was a narrow escape. He's probably out on the campus by now. I'll get at the reason for that smoke. Hand me that axe, Denton, and we'll break down the door. Yes, yes, he's probably out on the campus by now. Well, it certainly was a close squeak. But luckily, he didn't wait around. Hand me that axe, and we'll break down the door! Quick, quick, open the window. Maybe we should wave out the smoke. There are no windows in here, sir. There's absolutely no place for the smoke to get out. So thick I can hardly see. Why, there are people in here. Yes, sir. Live ones. This is quite a little group. Yes, sir. Quite a little group. The principal of a high school and two members of a spackle they all caught red-handed. Has any of you anything to say? Well, don't just stand there. One of you say something. Have a cigar, Mr. Stone. Mr. Stone, believe me, sir, this isn't the way it appears to be. We weren't really smoking. Well, what were you doing with those lighted cigars playing golf? About to try and experiment, Mr. Stone. An experiment? Yes, sir. These doubting Thomas' wouldn't believe my portable fire extinguisher would work. Your portable fire extinguisher? Meet the best little lady portable fire extinguisher salesman in our town. I brought two over in my knitting bag. Here, they're right here, see. When I heard the sprinkler system was broken, I contacted Mr. Conklin, and he said he'd buy a half dozen if they work. If this works, he'll buy two dozen. Seems incredible, but these are fire extinguishers. Is it possible I owe you an apology, Osgood? He'll call it even if you'll just believe him. That's why I came over to see you, Osgood, about that sprinkler system. You'll have a new one in about a week. In the meantime, I think it's sensible to buy some of these extinguishers. Oh, I agree, sir. I agree. Even with the sprinkler system, we'll probably have some use for them later on. And I know just where, Mr. Conklin. Where? As ash trays in the new fireproof faculty room you're going to build. Starring Eve Arden has been a presentation of the United States Armed Forces Radio Service.