 Chapter 45 of Humbugs of the World This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Linda Dodge The Humbugs of the World by P. T. Barnum Chapter 45 A Religious Humbug on John Bull Joanna Southcott The Second Shiloh Joanna Southcott was born at St. Mary's Ottery in Devonshire about the year 1750. She was a plain, stout-limbed, hard-fisted farmer lass whose toils in the field, for her father was in but very moderate circumstances, had taunt her complexion and hardened her muscles at an early age. As she grew toward woman's estate, necessity compelled her to leave her home and seek service in the city of Exeter, where for many years she plotted on very quietly in her obscure path. First, as a domestic hireling, and subsequently as a washerwoman, I have an old and esteemed friend on Staten Island, whose father, still living, recollects Joanna well, as she used to come regularly to his house of a Monday morning to her task of cleansing the family linen. He was then but a little lad, yet he remembers her quite well with her stout robust frame and buxom and rather attractive countenance and her queer ways. Even then she was beginning to invite attention by her singular manners and discourse, which led many to believe her demented. It was at Exeter that Joanna became religiously impressed and joined the Wesleyan Methodists as a strict and extreme believer in the doctrines of that sect. During her attendance upon the Wesleyan rites, she became intimate with one Sanderson, who, whether a designing rogue or only a very fanatical believer, pretended that he had discovered in the Good Washer Woman a Bible prodigy, and it was not long before the poor creature began, literally, to quote sea sights, unquote, and dream dreams of the most preternatural description, for which Sanderson always had ready some very telling interpretation. Her visions were of the most thoroughly, quote, mixed, unquote, character with all, sometimes transporting her to the courts of heaven and sometimes to a very opposite region, celebrated for its latent and active caloric. When she ranged into the lower world, she had a very unpleasant habit of seeing sundry scoffers and unbelievers in herself, belonging to the congregation in very close but disadvantageous intercourse with the evil one, who was represented as having a particular eye to others around her, even while they laid claim to special piety. Of course, such revelations as these could not be tolerated in any well-regulated community, and when some most astounding religious gymnastics performed by Joanna in the midst of prayers and sermons occurred to heap up the measure of her offenses, it became full-time to take the matter in hand, and the prophetess was expelled. Now those whom she had not served up openly with brimstone, agreeing with her about those whom she had thus, quote, quote, and delighted in their own exemption from that sort of dressing, seceded inconsiderable numbers and became Joanna's followers. This gave her a nucleus to work upon, and between 1790 and 1800, she managed to make herself known throughout Britain, proclaiming that she was to be the destined mother of the second messiah. And although originally quite illiterate, picking up enough general information and Bible lore to facilitate her publication of several very curious, though sometimes incoherent works. One of the earliest and most startling of these was her, quote, warning to the whole world from the sealed prophecies of Joanna Southcott and other communications given since the writings were opened on the 12th of January, 1803, unquote. This foretold the close approach of the great red dragon of the revelations, quote, with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns upon his heads, unquote, and the birth of the, quote, man child who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron, unquote. In 1805, a shoemaker named Tozer built her a chapel in Exeter at his own expense, and it was, from the first, constantly filled on service days with eager worshipers. Here she gave exhortations and prophesied in a species of religious frenzy or convulsion, sometimes uttering very heavy prose, and sometimes the most fearful, doggerel rhyme resembling well perhaps our album effusions here at home. Indeed, I can think of nothing else equally fearful. In these paroxysms, Joanna raved like an ancient pythoness whirling on her tripod and to just about the same purpose. Yet it was astonishing to see how the thing went down. Crowds of intelligent people came from all parts of the United Kingdom to listen, be converted, and to receive the, quote, seals, unquote, as they were called, and secured their fortunate possessors unimpeded and immediate admission to heaven. Of course, tickets so precious could not be given away for nothing, and the seal trade in this new form proved very lucrative. The most remarkable of all these conversions was that of the celebrated engraver, William Sharp, who, notwithstanding his imminent position as an artist, by no means bore out his name and other things. He had previously become thoroughly imbued with the notions of Swedenborg, Mesmer, and the famous Richard Brothers, and was quite ripe for anything fantastic. Such a convert was a perfect godsend to Joanna, and she was easily persuaded to accompany him to London, where her congregations rapidly increased to enormous proportions, and rivaling those now summoned by the, quote, drum ecclesiastical, unquote, and orthodox of the reverend Mr. Spurgeon. The whole sect extended until in 1813 it numbered no less than 100,000 members, signed and sealed. Mr. Sharp occupying a most conspicuous position at the very footstool of the prophetess. Late in 1813 appeared the Book of Wonders in five parts, and it was a clincher. Poor Sharp came in largely for the expenses, but valiantly stood his ground against it all. At length in 1814, the great Joanna dazzled the eyes of her adherents and the world at large with her, quote, prophecies concerning the Prince of Peace, unquote. This delectable manifesto flatly announced to mankind that the second Shiloh, so long expected, would be born of the prophetess at midnight on October 19th in that same year, i.e. 1814. The inspired writer was then in Siente, although a virgin, as she expressly and solemnly declared, and in the 64th year of her age. Among the other preternatural concomitance of this anticipated eventful birth was the fact that the period of her pregnancy had lasted for several years. Of course this stupendous announcement threw the whole sect into ecstasies of religious exultation, while on the other hand it afforded a fruitful subject of ridicule for the utterly irreverent London pamphleteers. Poor Sharp, who had caused a magnificent cradle and baby wardrobe to be got ready at his own expense, was most unmercifully scored. The infant was caricatured with a long grey beard and spectacles, with Sharp in a duster, carefully rocking him to sleep, while Joanna the prophetess treated the engraver to some cuts in her own style, with a bunch of twigs. On the appointed night, the street in which Joanna lived was thronged with the faithful, who, undeterred by sarcasm, fully credited her prediction. They bio-vacked on the sidewalks in motley crowds of men, women, and children. And as the hours wore on and their interest increased, burst forth into spontaneous somedy. The adjacent thoroughfares were as densely jammed with curious and incredulous spectators, and the mutton pie and ballad businesses flourished extensively. The interior of the house, with the exception of the sick chamber, was illuminated in all directions, and the dignitaries of the sect held the anti-rooms and corridors quote in full fig, unquote, to receive the expected guest. But evening passed, and then midnight came, then morning, but alas, no shy lo! And little by little, the disappointed throngs dispersed. Poor Joanna, however, kept her bed, and finally, after many fresh paroxysms and prophecies, on the 27th of December, 1814, gave up the ghost. The indefaggable Sharp still declaring that she had gone to heaven for a season, only to legitimatize the unborn infant and would re-arise again from the death after four days with the shy lo! in her arms. So firm was this faith in him and many other respectable persons that the body of the prophetess was retained in her house until the very last moment. When the dissection demanded by the majority of the sect could no longer be delayed, that operation was performed, and it was found that the subject had died of ovarian dropsy, but was, as she had always maintained herself to be, a virgin. Dr. Reese, who had been a devout believer, but was now undeceived, published a full account on this and all the other circumstances of her death, and another equally earnest disciple bore the expenses of her burial at St. John's Wood and placed over her a tombstone with appropriate inscriptions. As late as 1863 there were many families of believers still existing near Chatham in Kent, and even in this country can here and there be found admirers of the creed of Joanna Southcott, who are firmly convinced that she will reappear some fine mourning with Sanderson on one side of her and Sharp on the other. End of Chapter 45 Chapter 46 of the Humbugs of the World This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Linda Dodge The Humbugs of the World by P. T. Barnum Chapter 46 The First Humbug in the World Advantages of Studying the Impositions of Former Ages Heathen Humbugs The Ancient Mysteries The Cabiri Ellusis Isis The Domain of Humbug reaches back to the Garden of Eden where the Father of Lies practiced it upon our poor, innocent first grandmother Eve. This was the first and worst of all humbugs. But from that eventful day to the present moment, falsehood, hypocrisy, deception, imposition, cant, bigotry, false appearances and false pretenses, superstitions and all conceivable sorts of humbugs have had a full swing. And he or she who watches these things most closely and reflects most deeply upon these various peculiarities, bearings and results, will be best qualified to detect and avoid them. For this reason I should look upon myself as somewhat of a public benefactor in exposing the humbugs of the world if I felt competent to do the subject full justice. Next to the fearful humbug practiced upon our first parents came heathen humbugs generally, all heathenism and idolatry are one grand complex humbug to begin with. All the heathen religions always were and are still audacious, colossal, yet shallow and foolish humbugs. The heathen humbugs were played off by the priests, the shrewdest men then alive. It is a curious fact that the heathen humbugs were all solemn. This was because they were intended to maintain the existing religions which like all false religions could not endure ridicule. They always appealed to the pious terrors of the public as well as to its ignorance and appetite for marvels. They offered nothing pleasant, nothing to love, nothing to gladden the heart and lifted up in joyful gratitude, true adoration and childlike confidence, prayer and thanksgiving. On the contrary, awful noises, fearful sights, frightful threats, foaming at the mouth, dark sayings, secret processions, bloody sacrifices, grim priests, costly offerings, sleeps in dark some caverns to wait for a dream from the God. These were the machineries of the ancient heathen. They were as crude and as ferocious as those of the King of Dahomey or of the barbarous Negroes of the Guinea Coast. But they often show a cunning as keen and effective as that of any quack or Philadelphia lawyer or Davenport brother or Jackson Davis of today. The most prominent of the heathen humbugs were the mysteries, the oracles, the sibles. Note, Benham, the word is often misspelled, sibles and augury. Every respectable pagan religion has some mysteries, just as every respectable Christian family has a Bible. And as an ill-natured proverb has it, a skeleton. It was considered a poor religion, a one-horse religion, so to speak, that had no mysteries. The chief mysteries were those of the Cabiri, evalusus and of Isis. These mysteries used exactly the same kind of machinery, which proved so effective every day in modern mysteries. This shows processions, voices, lights, dark rooms, frightful sights, solemn mummaries, striking costumes, big talks and preachments, threats, gables of nonsense, et cetera, et cetera. The mysteries of the Cabiri are the most ancient of which anything is known. These Cabiris were sort of a quote original old Dr. Jacob Townsend's unquote of divinities. They were considered senior and superior to Jupiter, Neptune, Plato and the gods of Olympus. They were Pulaski, that is, they belonged to that unknown ancient people from whom both the Greek and the Latin nations are thought to have come. The Cabiri afterwards figured as the quote elder gods, unquote of Greece, the inventors of religion and of the human race, in fact, and were kept so very dark that it is not even known with any certainty who they were. The ancient heathen gods, like modern thieves, very usually objected to pass by their real names. The Cabiri were particularly at home in Lemnos and afterward in Samothrace. Their mysteries were of a somewhat unpleasant character as far as we know them. The candidate had to pass a long time almost starved and without any enjoyment ever was then lit into a dark temple crowned with olive, tied around with a purple girdle and frightened almost to death with horrid noises, terrible sights of some kind, great flashes of light and deep darkness between, et cetera, et cetera. There was a ceremony of absolution from past sin and a formal beginning of a new life. It is a curious fact that this seems to have been a kind of pious marine insurance company. As the initiated, it was believed could not be drowned. Perhaps they were put in a way to obtain a drier strangulation. The reason why these ceremonies were kept so successfully secret is plain. Each man, as he was let in and found what nonsense it was, was sure to hold his tongue The next man in, as in the modern case of the celebrated, quote, sons of Malta, unquote, it is to be admitted, however, to the credit of the cabiri that a doctrine of reformation or of living a better practical life seems to have been part of their religion. This is an interesting recognition by heathen consciences of one of the great moral truths which Christianity has enforced. Something of the same kind can be traced in other heathen mysteries, but these heathen attempts at virtue invariably rotted out into aggravations of vice. No religion except Christianity ever contained the principle of improvement in it. Bugaboos and hobgoblins may serve for a time to frighten the ignorant into obedience, but if they get a chance to cheat the devil, they will be sure to do it. Nothing but the great doctrine of Christian love and brotherhood and of a kind and paternal divine government has ever proved to be permanently reformatory and tending to lift the heart above the vices and passions to which poor human nature is prone. The mysteries of Eleusis were celebrated every year at Eleusis near Athens in honor of Ceres and were a regular, quote, May anniversary, unquote, so to speak, for the pious heathens of the period. It took just nine days to complete them, long enough for a puppy to get its eyes open. The candidates were very handsomely put through. On the first day, they got together. On the second, they took a wash in the sea. On the third, they had some ceremonies about persurpeny. On the fourth, the portal knows what they did. And on the fifth, they marched around a temple two and two with torches like a wide awake procession. And on the sixth, seventh and eighth, there were more processions. And the initiation proper said to have been something like that of a free masonry. So that we may suppose the victims rode the goat and were boiled on the gridiron. On the ninth day, the ceremony, they say, consisted in returning two vessels of wine. I fear by this means that they all got drunk. And the more so because the coins of Elucis have a hog on one side as much as to say we make hogs of ourselves. There was a set of mysteries at Athens called Thesmaphoria and one at Rome called the Mysteries of the Bonadia which were celebrated by married women only. Various notions prevailed as to what they did. But can there be any reasonable doubt about it? They were, I fear, systematic conspirators meetings in which the more experienced matrons instructed the junior ones on how to manage their husbands. If this was not their object then it was to maintain the influence of the heathen clergy over the heathen ladies. Women have always been the constituents of priests where false religions prevailed as they have for better purposes of the ministers of the Gospel among Christians. The Mysteries of the Goddess Isis which originated in Egypt were in general like those of Ceres at Elucis. The Persian Mysteries of Mithra which were very popular during part of the latter days of the Roman Empire were of the same sort. So were those of Bacchus, Juno, Jupiter and various other heathen gods. All of them were celebrated with great solemnity and secrecy. All included much that was terrifying and all of their secrets have been so faithfully kept that we have only guesses and general statements about the details of the performances. Their principal object seems to have been to secure the against misfortunes and to gain prosperity in the future. Some have imagined that very wonderful and glorious truths were revealed in the midst of these heathen humbugs but I guess that the more we find out about them the bigger humbugs they will appear as happened to the travelers who held a post mortem on the great heathen god in the story. This was a certain very terrible and powerful divinity among some savage tribes of whom dreadful stories were told very authentic of course. Some unbelieving scamps of travelers by unlawful ways managed to get into the innermost sacred place of the temple one night. They found the god to be done up in a very large and suspicious looking bundle. Having sacrilegiously cut the string, they unrolled one envelope of mats and claws after another until they had taken off more than a hundred wrappers. The god grew smaller and smaller and smaller and the wonder of the travelers what he could be larger and larger. At last the very innermost of all the coverings fell off and the great heathen god was revealed in all his native majesty. It was a cracked soda water bottle. This indicates what is beyond all question the fact that the heathen mysteries had their foundation in gas. Indeed the whole composition of these impositions was gammon, deception, hypocrisy, humbug. Truly the science of humbug is entitled to some consideration simply for its antiquity, if for nothing else. End of Chapter 46 Heathen Stated Services Oracles Sibbles Auguries Something must be said about the oracles, the sibles and the auguries, which besides the mysteries elsewhere spoken of were the chief assistant humbugs or sideshows used for keeping up the great humbug heathen religion. One word about the regular worship of heathenism, what may be called their stated services. They had no weekly day of worship, indeed no week, and no preaching such as ours is. That is, no regular instruction by the ministers of religion intended for all the people. They had singing and praying after their fashion, the singing being a sort of chant of praise to whatever idol was under treatment at the time, and the praying being in part vain repetitions are the name of their God, and for the rest a request that the God would do or give whatever was asked of him as a fair business action, in return for the agreeable smell of the fine beef they had just roasted under his nose, or for whatever else they had given him as a sum of money, a pair of pantaloons, or whatever they wore instead, and a handsome cup. This made the temple a regular shop where the priests traded off promised benefits for real beef, coining blessings into cash on the nail, a very thorough humbug. Such public religious ceremonies as the heathen had were mostly annual, sometimes monthly. They were also daily ones which were, however, the daily business of the priests, and none of the business of the laymen, to return to the subject. All the heathen oracles, old and new, for abundance of them are still are going, sibles, auguries and all, show how universally and naturally, and humbly and helplessly too, poor human nature longs to see into the future, and longs for help and guidance from some power higher than itself. Thus considered, these shallow humbugs teach a useful lesson, for they constitute a strong proof of man's inborn natural recognition of some God, of some obligation to a higher power, of some disembodied existence, and so they show a natural human want of exactly what the Christian revelation supplies, and constitute a powerful evidence for Christianity. All the heathen religions, I believe, had oracles of some kind, but the Greek and Latin ones tell the whole story. Of these there were over a hundred, more than twenty of Apollo who was the God of Seuthesane, Divination, Prophecy, and of the supernatural side of heathen humbug generally, thirty or forty collectively of Jupiter, Ceres, Mercury, Pluto, Juno, I know, a very good name for a goddess that gave oracles, though she didn't know, Faunus, Fortune, Mars, etc. And nearly as many of demigods, heroes, giants, etc. Such as Amphiaris, Amphilicus, Trafonius, Gerion, Ulysses, Calcius, Escalapius, Hercules, Pasiphae, Frixus, etc. The most celebrated and most patronized of them all was the great oracle of Apollo at Delphi. The little Phi appears to have been the only universal characteristic of the proceedings for obtaining an answer from the God. Whether you got your reply in words spoken by the rattling of an old pot, by observing an ox's appetite, throwing dice or sleeping for a dream, your own proceedings were essentially the same. Terms invariably net cash in advance or its equivalent. A fine ox or sheep sacrificed was cash, for after the God had had his smell, those ladies and gentlemen appear to have eaten as they say the Yankees talk through their noses. All the rest was put carefully away by the reverend clergy for dinner and saved so much on the butcher's bill. If your credit was good, you might receive your oracle and afterwards send in any little acknowledgement in the form of a golden goblet or statue or vase or even of a remittance in specie. Such gifts accumulated in the oracle at Delphi and to an immense amount and to the great emolument of Brenes, a matter of fact Gaulish commander who at his invasion of Greece coolly carried off all the bullion without any regard to the screeches of the pythoness or the shepherds than any burglar. The Delphidian oracle worked through a woman who on certain days went and sat on a three-legged stool over a hole in the ground in Apollo's temple. This hole sent out gas which instead of being used like that afforded by holes in the ground at Fredonia, New York to illuminate the village was much more shrewdly employed by the clerical gentlemen and introduced the glitter of gold into their own pockets. I merely throw out the hint to any speculating Fredonian who owns a hole in the ground. Well, the Pythia as this female was termed warmed up her understanding over this hole as you have seen ladies do over the register of a hot air furnace and becoming excited she presently began to be drunk or crazy and in her fit she gabbled forth some words or noises. These the priests took down and then told the customer that the noises meant so and so. When business was brisk they worked two Pythias turn and turn about or as they say at sea watch and watch and kept a third all cocked and primed in case of accident besides. For this gas sometimes gave the priestess literally fits which killed her in a few days. Other oracles gave answers in many various ways. The priest quietly wrote down whatever answer he chose or inspected the insides of a slaughtered beast and said that the bowels meant this and that. At Telmeses the inquirer peeped into a well where he must see a picture in the water which was his answer. At any rate, if this wouldn't do he got none. The plan was evidently based on the idea that truth is at the bottom of a well. At Dodona they hung brass pots on the trees and translated the banging knees made with the wind blew them together. At Ferre you whispered your question in the ear of the image of Mercury and then shutting your ears until you got out of the marketplace the first remark you heard from anybody was the answer and you might make the best of it. At Pluto's Oracle at Charret the priest took a dream and in the morning told you what he chose. In the cave of Trafonius after various terrifying performances they pulled you through a hole the wrong way of the feathers and then back again and then stuck you upon a seat and made you write down your own Oracle being what you had seen which would I imagine usually be the elephant and so forth and so on. Humbug at Libertum Like some of the more celebrated modern fortune tellers the managers of the Oracles were frequently shrewd fellows and could often pick up the materials of a very smart and judicious answer from the appearance of the customer and his question. Very often the answer was sheer nonsense. It was in fact believed by many that as a rule you couldn't tell what the response meant until after it was fulfilled when you were expected to see it. In many cases the answers were ingeniously arranged so as to mean either a good or evil result one of which was pretty likely. Thus one of the Oracles answered general who asked after the fate of his campaign as follows the ancients remember using no punctuation marks thou shalt go thou shalt return never in war shalt thou perish the point becomes visible when you first make a pause before never and then after it. On a similar occasion the Delphic Oracle told Cresus that if he crossed the river Halleyes he would overthrow a great empire. This empire he chose to understand as that of Ceres whom he was going to fight. It came out the other way and it was his own empire that was overthrown. The immense wisdom of the Oracle however was tremendously respected in consequence. Pyrrhus of Epyrrhus on setting off against the Romans received equal satisfaction the Pythia telling him in Latin what amounted to this say that you Pyrrhus the Romans are able to conquer. Pyrrhus took it as he wished but found himself sadly thimble-reaked the little joker being under the wrong cup the Romans beat him and most woefully too. Trajan was advised to consult the Oracle at Heliopolis about his intended expedition against the Parthians. The custom was to send your query in a letter so Trajan sent a blank note in an envelope. Trajan, very naturally, sent back a blank note in reply which was thought wonderfully smart and so the imperial dupe sent again a square question shall I finish this war and get safe back to Rome? The Heliopolitan humbug replied by sending a piece of an old grapevine cut into pieces which meant either you will cut them up or they will cut you up. And Trajan, like little boy a deep show who asked which is Lord Wellington and which is the Emperor Napoleon had paid his penny and might take his choice. Sometimes the Oracles were quite jocular a man asked one of them how to get rich the Oracle said own all there is between Sisyon and Corinth which places are some 15 miles apart another fellow asked how he should cure his gout the Oracle coolly said but cold water the Delphic Oracle and some of the others used for a long time to give their answers in verses at last however irreverent critics of the period made so much fun of the peculiarly miserable style of this poetry that the poor Oracle gave it up and came down to plain prose every once in a while some energetic and cunning man of skeptical character insisted on having just such an answer as he wanted it was well known that Philip of Macedon bought what responses he wished at Delphi anybody with plenty of money could quietly see the priests could have such a response as he chose or if he was a bull headed hardfisted fighting man of irreligious but energetic mind the priests gave him what he wished out of fear when the Mr. Cleese wanted to encourage the Greeks against the Persians he fixed Delphi by bribes when Alexander the Great came to consult the same Oracle the Pythia was disinclined to perform but Alexander rather roughly gave her to understand that she must and she did the Greek and Roman oracles finally all gave out not far from the time of Christ's coming having gradually become more or less disreputable for many years all the heathen nations as I have said had their oracles too the heathen Scandinavians had a famous one at Uppsala the Getae in Scythia had one the Druids had them so did the Mexican priests the Egyptian and Syrian divinities had them in short oracles were quite as necessary as mysteries and continue so in heathen religions the only exception I believe is the Macedonism whose votaries saved themselves any trouble about the future by their thorough fatalism they believe so fully and vividly that everything is immovably predestinated being at the same time perfectly sure of heaven at last that they quietly receive everything as it comes and don't take the least trouble to find out how it is coming the Sibyls were women supposed to be inspired by some divinity who were prophesied of the future some say there was but one some two three four or ten all sorts of obscure stories are told about the time and place of their activity there was the Persian or the Chaldean who is said to have foretold with many details the coming and career of Christ the Libyan the Delphic the Cumaean much honoured by the Romans and half a dozen more then there was Mantho Thereseus who was sent from Thieves to Delphi in a bag 720 years before the destruction of Troy these ladies lived in caves and among them are said to have composed the Sibyline books which contain the mysteries of religion were carefully kept out of sight at Rome and finally came into the hands of the Emperor Constantine they were burned one story hazard about 50 years after his death there are some Sibyline books which however are among the most transparent of humbugs for they are full of all sorts of extracts and statements from the older New Testaments I do not believe that there ever were any Sibyls if there were any they were probably ill-natured and desperate old maids who turned so sour-tempered that their friends had to drive them off to live by themselves and who under these circumstances I must crowd in here a word or two about the Augurys and the Augurs these gentlemen were a sort of Roman priests who were accustomed to fortale future events decide on coming good or bad fortune whether it would do to go on with the elections to begin any enterprise or not etc by means of various signs these were thunder the way any birds happened to fly the way that the sacred chickens ate the appearance of the entrails of beasts sacrificed etc etc these Augurs were for a long time much respected in Rome but at last the more thoughtful people lost their belief in them and they became so ridiculous that Cicero who was himself one of them said he could not see how one Augur could look another in the face without laughing is humiliating to reflect how long and how extensively such bare-faced and monstrous humbugs as these have maintained unquestioned authority over almost the whole race of man nor has humanity by any means escaped from such debasing slavery now for millions and millions of men still believe and practice forms and ceremonies even more absurd if possible than the mysteries oracles and Augurys End of Chapter 47 Chapter 48 of the humbugs of the world this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Linda Dodge The Humbugs of the World by P. T. Barnum Chapter 48 Modern Heathen Humbugs A scale of superstition and religious beliefs of today arranged from the lowest to the highest show many curious coincidences with another scale which should trace the history of superstitions and religious beliefs backward in time toward the origin of man thus for instance the Heathen Humbugs whether revolting or ridiculous with which I am to speak of in this chapter are in full blast today and they furnish perfect specimens of the beliefs which prevailed within a 4,000 and of 1800 years ago of the Kaldi and Canaanite superstitions and equally of those of the Romans under Augustus Caesar the most dirty vulgar, low, silly and absurd of all the superstitions in the world are as is natural those of the darkest minded of all the Heathen who have any superstition for as if for the humiliation of our proud human nature there are really some human beings who seem to have too little intellect even to rise to the height of a superstition such are the and the man islanders who crawl on all floors wear nothing but a plaster of mud to take the mosquitoes off eat bugs and grubs and ants and turn their children out to shift for themselves as the little wretches can learn to crawl and eat bugs the lowest of superstitions are fetishes and obi believed and practiced by negro tribes and remember this even by their ignorant white mistresses in the west indies and in the united states today yes I know where southern refugees, successionist women are living in and about New York city at this moment who really believed in the negro witchcraft called obi practiced by the slaves a fetish is anything not a living being worshipped because supposed to be inhabited by some god in some parts of Africa the fetishes are a sort of guardian divinity and there is one for each district like a town constable and sometimes one for each family the fetish is any stone picked up in the street a tree a chip a rag it may be some stone or wooden image an old pot a knife a feather before this precious divinity the poor darkies bow down and worship and sometimes sacrifice a sheep or a rooster each more important fetish has a priest and here is where the humbug comes in this gentleman lives on offerings made to the fetish and he exploits his god as a Frenchman would say with great profit obi or obaea is the name of the witchcraft of the negro tribes and the practitioner is termed an obi man or obi woman they practice it at home in Africa and carry it with them to continue it when they are made slaves in other lands obi is now practice as I already hinted in Cuba and in the southern states and is believed in by the more ignorant and foolish white people as much as by their barbarous slaves obi is used only to injure and the way to perform it upon your enemy is to hire the obi man or woman to concoct a charm and then to hide this or cause it to be hidden in some place about the person or a boat of the victim where he will find it he is expected there upon to fall ill to wither and waste away and so to die and sirred as it may seem this cursing business operates with a good deal of certainty on the poor negroes who fall sick instantly on finding the ball of obi two or three inches in diameter hidden in their bed or in the roof under the threshold or in the earthen floor of their beds these poor wretches become dejected lose appetite strengthen spirits grow thin and ill and really wither away and die it is a curious fact however that if under these circumstances you can cause one of them to become converted to Christianity or to become a Christian by profession he becomes at once free from the witches dominion and quickly recovers the ball of obi or as it is called among the Brazilian negroes mandinga may be made of various materials always I believe including some which are disgusting or horrible leaves of trees and scraps of rag may be used ashes usually from bones or flesh of some kind pieces of cats bones and skulls feathers of deer earth or clay which ought to be from a grave teeth of men and of snakes alligators or other beasts vegetable gum or other sticky stuff human blood pieces of eggshell etc etc this mixture is curiously like that in the witches cauldron in Mcbeth which among other equally toothsome matters contain frogs toes bats wool snakes legs owlets wings wolves teeth witches mummy Jews liver tigers bowels and lastly as a sort of thickening to the gravy baboon's blood a Creole lady now at the north recently told a friend of mine that the negroes can put some pieces of paper or powder or something or other in your shoes that will make you sick or make you do anything they want this poor foolish woman told this with a face full of awe and eyes wide open another lady known to me long resident at the south tells me that the belief in this sort of devilism is often found among the white people the practices called valdu or voodoo are a sort of obi being like that and invoking of the aid of some god to do what the worshipers wish the voodoo humbug is quite prevalent in Cuba, Haiti and other west India islands where there are wild negroes or where they are still imported from Africa there is also a good deal of this sort of humbug among the slaves in New Orleans and cases arising from it have recently quite often appeared in the police reports in the newspapers of that city the voodoo worshipers assemble secretly with a kind of chief witch or mistress of ceremonies there is a boiling cauldron of hell broth ala mcbeth the votaries dance naked around their soup amulets and charms are made and distributed during a quarter of a century last past some hundreds of these orgies have been broken up by the and probably as many more have come off as per program the voodoo processes are most frequently appealed to for the purposes of some unsuccessful or jealous lover and the Creole ladies believe in voodooism as much as an obi in the west indies the voodoo orgies are more savage than in this country it is but a little while since in Haiti under the energetic sensible administration of president jif rd eight voodoo worshipers were regularly tried and executed for having murdered a young girl the niece of two of them by way of human sacrifice to the god they tied the poor child tight put her in a box called a humphort fed her with some kind of stuff for four days and then deliberately strangled her beheaded her, flayed her and cooked the head with yams ate of the soup and then performed a solemn dance and chant around an altar with the skull on it the calfries in southern Africa have a kind of humbug somewhat like the obi men who are known as rain makers these gentlemen furnish what blessing and cursing may be required for other purposes but as that country is liable to tremendous droughts the best business is to make rain this they do by various prayers and ceremonies of which the most important part is receiving a large fee in advance from the customer the rain making business though very lucrative is not without its disadvantages for whenever mussela catsey or dingan or any other chief sets his rain maker at work and the rain was not forthcoming as per application the indignant ruler caused an asagai or two to be stuck through the wizard for the encouragement of the other wizards this was not so unreasonable as it may seem for if the man could not make rain when it was wanted what was he good for the ceremonies of the powwows or medicine men of the north american indians are less brutal than the african ones these soothsayers like the obi men prepared charms for their customers usually however not so much to destroy others as to protect the wearer these charms consist of some trifling matters tied up in a small bag the medicine bag which is to be worn around the neck and will it is supposed ensure the wearer the special help and protection of the great spirit the powwows sometimes do a little in the cursing line there is a funny story of a puritan minister in the early times of new england who coolly defied one of the most famous indian magicians to play off his infernal artillery a formal meeting was had and the powwow rattled his traps howl, danced, blew feathers and vociferated jargon he was perfectly exhausted the old minister quietly looking at him all the time the savage humbug was demfounded but quickly recovering his presence of mind saved his home reputation by explaining to the red gentleman in the breach claws and nose rings that the yankees ate so much salt that curses wouldn't take hold on him at all the shamans or shahamans follow a very similar business but are not so much priestly humbugs as mere conjurers the llamas or buddhist leaders of central and southern asia are however regular priests again and may be said with singular propriety to run their machine on principles of thorough religious humbug for they do really pray by a machine they set up a little mill to go buy water or wind which turns a cylinder on the cylinder is written a prayer and every time the barrel goes round once it counts they say for one prayer it may be imagined how piety intensified in a freshet or in a heavy gale of wind and there is a ludicrous notion of economy as well as a pitiable folly in the conception of profiting by such windy supplications and of saving all one's times and thoughts for business while the prayers rattle out by the hundred at home only imagine the pious fervor of one of these priests in a first class Lowell Mill of say a hundred thousand spindles print a large edition of some good prayer and paste a copy on each spindle and the place would seem to him the very gate of a buddhist heaven he would feel sure of taking heaven by storm with a sustained fire of one hundred thousand prayers every second his first requisite for a prosperous church would be a good water power for the prayer mills and yet absurd as these prayer mills of the heathen really are it may not be safe to bring them under unqualified condemnation for who among us has not sometimes heard windy prayers in Christian churches young clergymen are especially liable and I might say prone to this mockery these however are but exceptions to the general Christian rule is that the omniscient carith only for heart service and that before him all mere lip service or machine service is simply an abomination a less innocent kind of praying one of the religious humbugs of the bloody and cruel sandwich islands form of heathenism here a practice prevailed and does yet a paying money to a priest to pray your enemy to death for cash in advance this bargain could always be made and so groveling was the spiritual cowardice of these poor savages that like the negro victim of obi when prayed at seldom failed to sicken as soon as he found out what was going on and to waste away and die this bit of heathen humbug now in operation from so many distant portions of the earth shows how radically similar is all heathenism it shows too how mean, vulgar, filthy and altogether vile is such religion as man assisted, contrives for himself it shows again how sadly great is the proportion of the human race still remaining in this brutal darkness and by contrast it affords us great reason for thankfulness that we live in a land of better culture and happier hopes and practices End of Chapter 48 Chapter 49 of the humbugs of the world This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org The Humbugs of the World by P. T. Barnum Chapter 49 Ordeals Ordeals belong to times and communities of rudeness, violence, materialism ignorance, gross superstition, and blind faith The theory of ordeals is that God will miraculously decide in the case of any accused person referred to him He will cause the accused to be victorious or defeated in a duel, will punish him on the spot for perjury and if the innocent be exposed to certain physical dangers will preserve him harmless The duel for instance used to be called the ordeal by battle and was simply the commitment of the decision of a cause to God Duels were regularly prefaced by the solemn prayer, God show the right Nowadays nobody believes that skill with a pistol is going to be especially bestowed by the Almighty without diligent practice at a mark Accordingly, the idea of a divine interposition has long ago dropped out of the question and dueling is exclusively in the hands of the devil and his human water race is a purely brutal absurdity But in England so long was this bloody superstitious humbug kept up that any hardened scoundrel who was a good hand at his weapon might down to the year 1819 absolutely have committed murder under the protection of English law Two years before that date a country rough named Abraham Thornton murdered his sweetheart Mary Ashford but by efficiency of proof was acquitted on trial There was however a moral conviction that Thornton had killed the girl and her brother a mere lad caused an appeal to be entered according to the English tattoo and Thornton was again arraigned before the king's bench In the meantime his council had looked up the obsolete proceedings about a size of battle and when Thornton was placed at the bar he threw down his glove upon the floor according to the ancient forms and challenged his accuser to mortal combat In reply the appellant Ashford set forth facts so clearly showing Thornton's guilt as to constitute as he alleged cause for exemption from the combat and for condemnation of the prisoner The court taken by surprise spent five months in studying on the matter At last it decided that the fighting man had the law of England on his side admitted his demand and further found that the matters alleged for an exemption from combat were not sufficient On this poor William Ashford who was but a boy declined the combat by reason of his youth and the prisoner was discharged and walked in triumph out of court the innocent blood still unevinced upon his hands The old foggies of parliament were startled at finding themselves actually permitting the practice of barbarisms being punished by the Greek emperor Michael Paleologus in 1259 and by the good king Louis IX of France in 1270 and two years afterwards in 1819 the legal duel or a rise of battle was by law abolished in England It had been legal there for five centuries and a half having been introduced by statute in 1261 Before that time the ordeals by fire and by water were the legal ones in England These were known even to the Anglo-Saxon law being mentioned in the code of Ena AD about 700 It appears that fire was thought the most aristocratic element for the ordeal by fire was used for nobles and that by water for vulgarians and serfs The operations were as follows When one was accused of a crime murder for instance he had his choice whether to be tried by God and his country or by God If he chose the former he went before a jury If the latter he underwent the ordeal Nine red hot plowshares were laid on the ground in a row The accused was blindfolded and sent to walk over them If he burnt himself he was guilty If not, not Sometimes instead of this the accused carried a piece of red hot iron off from one to three pounds weight in his hand for a certain distance The ordeal by water was in one form at least the same wise alternative in after years so often offered to witches The accused was tied up in a heap each armed to the other leg and flung into water If he floated he was guilty and must be killed If he sank and drowned he was innocent but killed Trial was therefore synonymous with execution The nature of such alternatives shows how important it was to have a character above suspicion Another mode was for the accused to plunge his bare arm into boiling water to the elbow The arm was then instantly sealed up in bandages under charge of the clergy for three days If it was then found perfectly well the accused was acquitted If not, he was found guilty Another ordeal was expurgation or compurgation It was a simple business as easy as swearing very much like a custom house oath It was only this The accused made solemn oath that he was not guilty and all the respectable men he could muster came and made their solemn oath that they believed so too This is much like the jurisprudence of the Dutch justice of the peas in the old story before whom two men swore that they saw the prisoner steal chickens The thief, however getting a little time to collect testimony brought in 12 men who swore that they did not see him take the chickens Balance of evidence overwhelmingly in favour of the prisoner said the sapient justice in touch I suppose and finding him innocent in a ratio of 6 to 1 he discharged him at once This ordeal by oath was reserved for people of eminence The third went for something and who had a good many thoroughgoing friends Another sort of ordeal was reserved for priests It was called Korsnit The priest who took the ordeal by Korsnit received a bit of bread or a bit of cheese which was loaded heavily by way of sauce with curses upon whom so ever should eat it falsely This he ate together with the bread of the Lord supper Everybody knew that if he were guilty the sacred mouthful would choke him to death on the spot History records no instance of the choking of any priest in this ordeal but there is a story that the Saxon Earl Godwin of Kent took the Korsnit to clear himself of a charge of murder and being a layman was choked I fully believe that Earl Godwin is dead for he was born about the year 1000 but I have not the least idea that Korsnit killed him of ordeals which being appeals to God were reckoned religious ceremonies They of course much preferred the swearing and eating and hot iron and water ordeals which could be kept under the regulation of clerical good sense not so with the ordeal by battle No priest could do anything with the wrath of two great mad ugly brutes hot to kill each other and crazy to risk having their own throats cut or skulls cleft in consequence the whole influence of the romish church went against the ordeal by battle and in favor of the others thus the former soon lost its religious element and became the mere duel a base indulgence of a beast's passion for murder and revenge the progress of enlightenment gradually pushed ordeals out of court mobs have however always tried the ordeal by water on riches almost all the heathen ordeals have depended on fire, water or something to eat or drink even in the bible we find an ordeal prescribed to the Jews Numbers Chapter 5 for an unfaithful wife who was there directed to drink some water with certain ceremonies which drink God promises shall cause a fatal disease if she be guilty and if not not it is worth noticing that Moses says not a word about any water of jealousy or any other ordeal for unfaithful husbands this drinking or eating ordeal prevails quite extensively even now in Hindustan theft is often inquired into by causing the suspected party to choose some dry rice or rice flour which has some very strong curses stirred into it, carcinet fashion after chewing the accused spits out his mouthful and if it is either dry or bloody he is guilty it is easy to see how a rascal if as credulous as rascals often are would be so frightened that his mouth would be dry and would thus betray his own picadilla another Hindu mode was to give a certain quantity of poison and butter and if it did no harm to a quit here the man who mixes the dose is evidently the important person in Madagascar they give some tangina water now tangina is a fruit of which a little vomits a patient and a good deal poisons or kills him a quality which sufficiently explains how they manage that ordeal ordeals by fire and water are still practiced with some variations in Hindustan, China Pego, Siberia Congo, Guini, Senegambia and other pagan nations some of those still in use are odd enough a Malabar one is to swim across a certain river which is full of crocodiles a Hindu one is for the two parties to an accusation to stand out doors each with one bare leg in a hole he to win who can longest endure the bites they are sure to get this would be a famous method in some of the New Jersey and New York and connecticut seashore lowlands I know of the mosquitoes would decide cases both civil and criminal at a speed that would make a judge of the supreme court as dizzy on the top another Hindu plan was for the accused to hold his head under water while a man walked a certain distance if the walker chose to be lazy about it or the prisoner had diseased lungs this would be a rather severe method the Wanakas in eastern Africa draw a red hot needle through the culprit's lips a most judicious place to get hold of an African and if the wound bleeds he is guilty in CM accuser and accused are put into a pen and a tiger is let loose on them he whom the tiger kills is guilty if he kills both both are guilty if neither then try another mode Blackstone says that an ordeal might always be tried by attorney I should think this would give the legal profession a very lively time whenever the coats were chiefly using tiger is poison, drowning fire and red hot iron but not so much so when a little caring or eating was the only thing required this whole business of ordeals is a singular superstition and the extent of its employment shows how ready the human race is to believe that God is constantly influencing even their ordinary private affairs in other words it is in principle like the doctrine of special providence looked at as a superstition however considered as a humbug the history of ordeals show how corrupt becomes the nuisance of religious ways of deciding secular business and how proper is our great American principle of the separation of state and church End of Chapter 49 Chapter 50 of the humbugs of the world this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Barry Eads The Humbugs of the World by P. T. Barnum Religious Humbugs Chapter 50 Apollonius of Tyanna The annals of ancient history are peculiarly rich in narratives of retention and imposition and either owing to the greater ignorance and credulity of mankind or the superior skill of gifted but unscrupulous men in those days present a few examples that even surpass the most remarkable products of the modern science of humbug One of their most surprising instances in fact perhaps absolutely the leading imposter was the sage or charlatan for it is difficult to determine which known as Apollonius Tyanius so called from Tyanna in Cappadocia Asia Minor his birthplace where he first saw the light about four years earlier than Christ and consequently more than fifteen and a half centuries ago his arrival upon this planet was attended with some amazing demonstrations with his first cry a flash of lightning darted from the heavens to the earth and back again dogs howled, cats mewed roosters crowed and flocks of swans so say the older chroniclers probably geese every one of them clapped their wings in the adjacent meadows with a supernatural clatter ushered into the world with such amazing omens as these young Apollonius could not fail to make a noise himself ere long sent by his doting father to Tarsus in Cilicia to be educated he found the dissipations of the place too much for him and soon removed to Agui a smaller city at no great distance from the other there he adopted the doctrines of Pythagoras and subjected himself to the regular discipline of that curious system whose first process was a sort of juvenile gag law the pupils being required to keep perfectly silent for a period of five years during which time it was forbidden to utter a single word even in those days few female scholars preferred this practice and the boys had it all to themselves nor were they by any means numerous after this probation was over they were enjoined to speak and argue with moderation at Agui there stood a temple of Ascolapius who figured on earth as a great physician and compounder of symbols and after death was made a god the edifice was much larger and more splendid than the brand house on Broadway although we have no record of a scapulus having bestowed upon the world any such benefaction as the universal pills however unlike our modern M.D.'s the latter was in the habit of reappearing after death in this temple and there holding forth to the faithful on various topics of domestic medicine Apollonius was allowed to take up his residence in the establishment and no doubt the priests initiated him into all their dodges to impose upon the people another tenant of the Pythagorean faith was a total abstinence from beans an arrangement which would be objectionable in New England and in Nassau street eating houses Apollonius however who knew nothing about Yankees or Nassau street manfully completed his novitiate restored at length to the use of beans and of his talking apparatus he set forth upon a lecturing tour through Pamphylia and Solicia his themes were temperance economy and good behavior and for the very novelty of the thing crowds of disciples soon gathered about him at the town of Aspenda he made a great hit when he pitched into the corn merchants all the grain during a period of scarcity and sold it to the people at exorbitant prices of course such things are not permitted in our day Apollonius moved by the sufferings of women and children took his stand in the marketplace and with his stylus wrote in large characters upon a tablet the following advice to the speculators in grain quote the earth the common mother of all is just but ye being unjust would make her a bountiful mother to yourselves alone leave off your dishonest traffic or ye shall be no longer permitted to live the grain merchants upon beholding this appeal relented for there was conscience in those days and more over the populace had prepared torches and proposed to fry a few of the offenders like oysters in breadcrumbs so they yielded it once and great was the fame of the prophet thus elevated in his own opinion apollonius still preaching virtue by the wayside set out for Babylon after visiting the cities of Antioch Ephesus etc always attracting immense crowds as he penetrated further toward the remote east his troops of followers fell off until he was left with only three companions who went with him to the end one of these was a certain damus who wrote a description of the journey and by the way that's that his master spoke all languages even those of the animals we have men in our own country who can talk horse talk at the races but probably none so perfectly as this great tianion the author of the ruined cities of Africa a recent publication informs us that at lamba an African village there is a leopard who can speak this would go to show that the animals are aspiring in a direction directly the opposite of the acquirements of apollonius and I shall secure that leopard if possible for exhibition in the museum and for a considerable consideration send him to any public meeting where someone is needed who will come up to the scratch but to resume on his way to Babylon apollonius saw by the roadside a lioness and eight welps where they had been killed by a party of hunters and argued from the omen that he should remain in that city just one year and eight months the course turned out to be exactly the case the Babylonish monarch was so delighted with the eloquence and skill of the noted stranger that he promised him any twelve gifts that he might choose to ask for but apollonius declined accepting anything but food and raiment however the king gave him camels and escort to assist his journey over the northern mountains of hindustane which he crossed and entered the ancient city of taxilia on the way he had a high time in the gorges of the hills with a horrible hobgoblin of the species called impuza by the Greeks this demon terrified his companions half out of their wits but apollonius bravely assailed him with all sorts of hard words and to literally translate the old Greek narrative black guarded him so effectually that the poor devil fled with his tail between his legs at taxilia Friortes the king a lineal descendant of the famous porous and truly a porous personage since he was renowned for drinking gave the philosopher a grand reception and introduced him to the chief of the brahmins whose temples he explored these hindu gentlemen opened the eyes of apollonius wider than they had ever been before and taught him a few things he had never dreamed of but which served him admirably during his latter career he returned to Europe by way of the red sea passing through Ephesias he vehemently denounced the speculators in gold and other improper persons as they did not heed him he predicted the plague and left for smirna sure enough the pestilence broke out just after his departure and the Ephesians telegraphed to smirna by the only means in their power for his immediate return gold in the meanwhile falling at least 10% apollonius reappeared in the twinkling of an eye suddenly in the very midst of the wailing on the marketplace pointing to a beggar he directed the people to stone that particular unfortunate and they obeyed so effectually that the hapless creature was in a few moments completely buried under a huge heap of brick bats the next morning the philosopher commanded the throng to remove the pile of stones and as they did so a dog was discovered instead of the beggar the dog sprang up wagged his tail and made away at 240 and with him the pestilence departed for this feat the Ephesians called apollonius a god and reared a statue to his honor the appellation of divinity he willingly accepted declaring that it was only justice to good men in these degenerate days we have accorded the term to only one person the divine Fanny Elfler that too was a tribute to superior understanding our hero next visited Pergamus the site of ancient Troy where he shut himself up all night in the tomb of Achilles and having raised the great departed held conversation with him on a variety of military topics among other things Achilles told him that the theory of his having been killed by a wound in the heel was all nonsense as he had really died from being bitten by a puppy in the back if the reader does not believe me let it consult the original manuscript of Damus the same accident has disabled several great generals in modern times apollonius next made a tour through Greece visiting Athens, Sparta Olympia and other cities and exhorting the desolute Greeks to mend their evil courses the Spartans particularly came in for a severe lecture on the advantages of soap and water and it is said that the first clean face ever seen in that republic was the result of the great Tyanians teachings at Athens he cured a man possessed of a demon the latter bouncing out of his victim at length with such fury and velocity as to dash down a neighboring marble statue the Isle of Crete was the next point on the journey with an earthquake occurring at the time apollonius suddenly exclaimed in the streets the earth is bringing forth land folks looked as he pointed toward the sea and there beheld a new island in the direction of Terry he arrived at Rome wither his fame had preceded him just as the emperor Nero had issued an edict against all who dealt in magic and although he knew that he was included in the denunciation he boldly went to the form where he restored to life the dead body of a beautiful lady and predicted an eclipse of the sun which shortly occurred Nero caused him to be arrested loaded with chains and flung into an underground dungeon when his jailers next made their rounds in the cell empty but heard the chanting of invisible angels this story would not be believed by the head jailer at Sing Sing prolonging his trip as far as Spain apollonius there got up a sedition against the authority of Nero and thence crossed over into Africa this was the darkest period of his history from Africa he proceeded to the south of Italy and the island of Sicily still discoursing as he went about this time he heard of Nero's death and returned to Egypt where Vespasian was endeavoring to establish his authority while in Egypt he explored the supposed sources of the Nile and learned all the lore of the Ethiopian necromancers who could do anything even to making a black man white thus greatly excelling the skill of after ages Vespasian had immense faith in the Tianian sage and consulted him upon the most important matters of state Titus the successor of that monarch manifested equal confidence and regarded him absolutely as an oracle apollonius who really seems to have been a most sensible politician wrote the following brief but pithy note to Titus when the latter modestly refused the crown of victory after having destroyed Jerusalem apollonius to Titus emperor of Rome sendeth greeting when they refused to be applauded for bloodshed and victory in war I send you the crown of moderation you know to what kind of merit crowns are due yet apollonius was by no means an ultra peaceman for he strongly advocated the shaving and clothing of the Ethiopians and their thorough chastisement when they refused to be combed and purified when Demetian grasped at the imperial scepter the great Tianian sided with his rival and having for this offense been seized and cast into prison suddenly vanished from sight and reappeared on the instant at Putioli 150 miles away the distinguished Mr. Jewett of Colorado is the only instance of similar rapidity of locomotion known to us in this country and time after taking breath at Putioli the sage resumed his travels and revisited Greece Asia Minor etc he established his celebrated school and then once more returning to Crete happened to give his old friends the Cretans great offense and was shut up in the temple Dictimna to be devoured by famished dogs but the next morning was found perfectly unharmed in the midst of the docile animals who had already made considerable progress in the Pythagorean philosophy and were gathered around the philosopher seated on their hind legs with open mouths and lolling tongues intently listening to him while he lectured them in the canine tongue so devoted had they become to their eloquent instructor and so enraged were they at the interruption when the Cretans reopened the temple that they rushed out upon the latter and made a breakfast of a few of the leading men this is one of the last of the remarkable incidents that we find recorded of the almighty Apollonius how he came to his end is quite uncertain but some voracious chroniclers declare that he simply dried up and blew away others aver that he lived to the good old age of 97 and then quietly gave up the ghost at Tyanna where a temple was dedicated to his memory however that may be he was subsequently worshiped with divine honors and so highly esteemed by the greatest men of after days that even Aurelian refused to sack Tyanna out of respect to the philosopher's Dion Cassius the historian records one of the most remarkable instances of his clairvoyance or second sight he states that Apollonius in the midst of a discourse at Ephesus suddenly paused and then in a different voice exclaimed to the astonishment of all have courage good Stefanus strike strike kill the tyrant on that same day the hated Demidian was assassinated at Rome by a man named Stefanus the humdrum interpretation of this miracle is simply that Apollonius had a foreknowledge of the intended attempt upon the tyrant's life long afterwards Cagliostro claimed that he had been a fellow traveler with Apollonius and that his mysterious companion the sage Aethlotus was the very same personage who consequently at the same time must have reached the ripe age of some 1784 years a lapse of time beyond the memory of even the oldest inhabitant in these parts at least the end end of chapter 50 end of the humbugs of the world by P. T. Barnum