 The next speaker is a close friend and a co-coach with him at the Social Man. He's been there since its founding, his name is Nick Sparks, and he's a returning speaker to the 2011 convention. One of my favorites and a total badass. Thank you for coming. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Give another obligatory round of applause for Anthony for, I mean, this seriously is an amazing event. And I appreciate being asked to come back here. I definitely appreciate it a lot. So thank you guys for having me. Also congratulations to yourself, of course, as I'm sure you've heard more than once. Not every single person actually has the courage to stand up and make a change in their life. Everybody's got issues. Everybody's got problems, but very few people actually do something about it. So awesome on one hand. Also another reason to be, you know, congratulate yourselves is that this has been going on for what now? Like five hours so far today, multiple hours yesterday, yeah, six hours perhaps. I don't know if I could pay attention or focus on anything for that long. So the simple fact that you're able to do that deserves its own round of applause as well. It's interesting though. Kind of like an analogy I would use is actually listening to a woman as Fran was talking about up here earlier. It can be difficult sometimes, just like it's difficult to actually focus on hour after hour after hour after hour of guys talking. Why? Because well, in this case, you're tired. Your brains have processed so much shit and it can only process so much more. In those cases, when you've got a beautiful woman standing in front of you, your heart's pounding, your head's going. It can be hard to actually listen and pay attention in that case without thinking a million different thoughts at the same time. So it can draw a little analogy between what you're doing right now, the actual focusing skills it takes, and talking to a girl. It's not really part of my speech, but I just thought of that. So why am I here? What am I doing standing here? I'm not going to talk about who I am. I mean, who really cares, honestly? Well, it started about 27 years ago when my mother gave birth to me. No, nobody really cares. I want to talk about why I'm here, though, because that's the important part. That's what actually matters. What am I doing here? Why am I standing in front of you? Exactly. I don't know. I mean, the obvious thought is that I'm standing here because you guys want to learn to get better at talking to girls. It's the obvious one. However, that's not why I'm here. I mean, yes, I'm a dating coach for a living. It's what I do, but that's really at the root of it, not why I'm here. It may be a symptom of why I'm actually standing here, why you guys are all sitting in the room right here, but it's not why I'm standing up here. The reason why I'm up here and the reason why you guys are all sitting in those seats right now is that, bear with me, because I'm going to explain myself, is that we are living in a society that's been dominated by fear. Sounds a little kooky. Let me explain myself. What the hell does that mean, once again? We live in a society. We live in a world, country, culture, whatever you want that's been dominated by fear. Why do I say that? Why do I make such a broad, sweeping, general statement like that? Reason being is that, look at dating in our culture. Look at meeting and talking to members of the opposite sex. How should it be? If there wasn't any fear involved, what would happen? You'd be out someplace, maybe at a coffee shop, maybe at a bar, maybe walking down the street. You see a girl that you're attracted to. You see a girl that you like. You walk up to her, hey, I think you're cute. I'd like to get to know you more. And the girl thinks to herself for a second, either, yeah, you seem all right, too. I'd like to get to know you better. And you guys start talking and get to know each other better and decide if you want to make babies or not. Or she decides, I don't feel the same way. No offense, maybe, you know, I've got a lot on my mind. It's just not a good time for me. It's just not going to work out. And you say, I completely understand. No harm, no foul. And you just simply walk down to the next girl that you see that tickles your interest, say the same thing to her. And she decides, makes the decision. Easy, simple, the way it should be. Almost too easy. Why can't it be that way? Why? Because there's fear everywhere. When you're walking up, your mind is racing. Oh my god. So what should I say? What is she going to reject me? Is she not going to reject me? What is she going to think about this right now? Is anybody else going to see me get rejected? You're trying to make a conversation happen. And it's like, OK, what do I say? What do I say? What do I say? How do I do this? I want to do this, but I'm not sure. I'm going to get rejected here. And you're not the only one feeling fear. That's for shit sure. She's got to be worrying the entire time, too. Is this guy a douchebag? Is this guy an asshole? Is this guy going to break my heart the way the last guy did? Is this guy a psycho killer who's going to chop me up into little pieces and leave me in the trunk of his car and then feed me to his cats once my body gets a little smelly? I don't know. Somebody might think that. Maybe not. Maybe it's just me. She's got a lot of shit on her mind. How do I look? Do I look prettier than other girls here? Does my hair look OK today? Do I look fat in this dress? Fear. Everywhere. And you all know exactly what I'm talking about, because you've all felt it. You wouldn't be sitting right here if you didn't feel it, especially in relation to women. It's that feeling in your chest. Kind of creeps up. It feels really shitty. Fear, anxiety, doubt. And it sets off negative thoughts. It sets off self-defeating thoughts and actions. Happens to everybody. It happens all the time. It happens when you're trying to talk to a girl. Happens maybe at work, maybe at school, all over your life. You have pressure on something. You get that shitty feeling. And what happens? We've developed in our society a ton of ways of dealing with it, of making it go away, of avoiding it. What do we do? I don't know. We have another drink. Maybe we smoke. Maybe we go on our computer and just watch mindless things to avoid doing something that we don't really want to do. I really like the blue screen Anthony. What are you doing? Either way, we maybe pull out our phone and just stare at our phone. Do we really need to check our phone? But no, why? Because it's easier. It's comfortable. Instead of dealing with the shit that my mind could be dealing with, oh, no. Get my mind off of it. I focus on some other shit. There's a million different things you could be doing. Because actually facing it, actually looking it right in the eye, it sucks. It feels like you want to get this far away from it as possible. And it's everywhere in our lives. We've got a million ways to avoid it. We've got no real way to stand up to it. It's just there. It's something we deal with every single day. And it sucks. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm standing in front of you guys right now. Because it's my job, beyond all other things, to teach you to break through it, to stand up to it, to overcome it when it happens in your life in relation to women. And coincidentally, as you gain confidence from that, it affects every other part of your life where this has happened. It's a skill. It's a talent. And what's the root of this? How do I do it at the very core? What's the magic? I say a couple of magic words, and it's gone. No. The way that I do this is basically based on a very simple foundational principle. And of course, there's more specifics. And I'm going to get into more specifics. But it's based on something very simple. It's based on the fact that when you feel like crap, your body goes through a very significant, very powerful physiological change. It's eeks out of every pore of your body. Every single muscle in your body is a slave to this feeling. And when you feel great, when you're feeling on top of the world, when you are feeling amazing, your entire body, your entire physiology, is affected by it. It's reeks out of every single pore in your body. That's why you've each had times when sometimes you're just on. You can't explain it, but you can go up and talk to any girl you want to. Everything's just rolling. You get in the zone. Women are loving you. Things are going great. Maybe it was in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Maybe it was a night when you drank a little bit too much, but you can't put your finger on exactly what was going on, but you were just feeling it and you were amazing. You all have the potential inside of you. It's you at your core. It's not a figment of your imagination that was doing that. That's who you are. Sometimes, a lot of times, especially in our world though, unfortunately, fear, doubt, anxiety creeps in and holds you back, restricts you, cuts you off, ties you up, closes you up. That's why we have expressions out there like, he's really coming out of his shell. That shell being the shit and he's actually being more comfortable. He's really opening up. That's what those expressions mean. Quite literally. And this physiological change that occurs is very significant because everyone else around you is aware of it. Maybe they're not thinking. They're not thinking about the stuff the way I do. They're not conscious of every little shift that happens, but they can feel it. Especially women are very, very intuitive, as we all know. They can tell from a mile away how you're feeling and unfortunately, feelings are contagious. Nobody wants to feel shitty, right? I mean, that's pretty universal. Nobody likes feeling shitty. So when you're feeling shitty, when you're feeling anxious, your body is giving off all the signs that you're feeling anxious. Anybody who gets a whiff of that around you, you're always going to be universally repelling to everyone. Everyone's gonna be like, I'm getting the fuck away from that. I mean, unless they're your friends, they have to deal with you. And they have to be like, is everything okay, buddy? Are you feeling all right? However, when you're feeling great and your whole body is wreaking that, maybe it's when you're around your very best friends and you're having a great time and you're comfortable. Or around your family, around people that just get you. You can be yourself around and your whole body is radiating that. You're feeling good, feelings being contagious. Everybody wants to feel good. So when you're sending off those signals, you're going to be universally attractive to everyone around you. So here's the linchpin of it all. Is that if it were the case that whenever you're feeling shitty, you always radiate shittiness. Oh, Erica. Whenever you're feeling great, you're always radiating these positive energy. Then my advice to you today right now would be simple. I would simply say, well, when you feel good, go out and talk to people. When you feel crappy, lock yourself in the house. Don't talk to anyone. Thank you guys. It's been my pleasure to be here today. Unfortunately, that would be awful advice. Wouldn't be very good advice at all. And luckily, there's something that we can do about this little dynamic. There's something that we can do to turn it on its head, so to speak. Your physiology will always follow your feelings except for one situation where it doesn't. There's one time and one time only where your physiology will not follow your feelings. And that one time and one time only is when you consciously focus on your physiology. On your physiology. A mentor of mine gave me very wise words one time. He told me that either you can let your feelings control your actions, or you can let your actions control your feelings. Probably some of the most profound words I've ever heard in my life. And it resonates through everything. You don't feel like going to the gym. You don't feel like working out. You feel tired. I don't feel like working out. So you don't work out and you feel even crappier. Or you say, I know I feel like crap. I know I don't, I feel like not going to the gym, but I'm gonna fucking do it. I'm going to do it anyway. I swore too much last year. I didn't wanna do it again this year. I'm gonna do it anyway. So you go to the gym, you work out, you get your blood flowing, the endorphins start going, and all of a sudden what happens? You feel great afterwards. Man, I always feel amazing after my workout. I should do it more. Either your feelings are gonna dictate your actions or your actions are going to dictate your feelings. And the same thing can happen with that physiology that we talked about. Because as I mentioned, whenever you're feeling like crap, your body will force itself, cut itself off, close itself off, signal to everyone around you, stay away. You should not even be around me because you're gonna feel like crap if you get near me. However, just like I can focus on pointing my finger, retracting my finger, raising my right leg with poor balance, lowering my right leg, I can always control my physiology. You can always take action. I mean, that's the secret to life. Free will, the greatest gift we could ever have. We could always control our actions. And so what are some of those actions? What are some of those differences that happen between when we're feeling amazing and when we're feeling closed off? Well, when we're feeling closed off, and we're feeling like crap. Very first thing that happens is our heart starts to beat faster. Makes sense? As our heart beats faster, it causes our breathing to be affected by it. We start breathing quicker and we start breathing a lot more shallow. We basically breathe only as deeply as it'll take to keep us alive. Quick, show slow, quick, shallow breaths. Because we're breathing quicker and shallower, we start talking more quickly. And because not a lot of air is passing over our vocal cords, our voice becomes very weak. Comes from our throat. And as the air is rushing over faster, we speak a little bit higher. Now anybody would tell you, of course, that talking like that is always really sexy to women, obviously. Everybody knows that, if you've been studying those stuff. Erica knows. And so as your heart's beating faster, as your voice goes to shit, your blood starts flowing out to your extremities, out to your muscles, away from your internal organs. So of course, your butterflies come in your stomach, you get a lump in your throat. And all of your muscles go very, very tense. Your shoulders get pulled forward and up slightly. It puts a lot of pressure on your chest and on your neck, which is why people who are stressed out a lot often need massages and carry a lot of tension in their shoulders and in their neck. Your back arches forward ever so slightly. And it's not just the upper body that grows tight as well, but your lower body. Your legs get stiff, your hips get very tight, your knees, your ankles, so that your legs just become like two planks kind of stapled into the ground. You become kind of like a statue of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. I mean, the cartoonist did a good job of drawing what the most uncomfortable body posture could possibly look like. That's not even the most dramatic change that happens though. The most dramatic change that happens, the thing that really screams out to everyone around you, how awful you feel, is that your face goes under an incredible transformation. First it starts with the eyes. Because your thoughts are going a million miles a minute, your eyes are darting around all over the place. And as your eyes are darting around all over the place, I mean, that's never a good thing. It's like you're looking at a million things, but you're really not looking at anything. It's like I'm looking at all of you, but I'm really not seeing, I couldn't tell you a single thing about any one of you right now, they're just darting. And the most dramatic thing happens is that my face just starts to lack all expression. It just becomes dead. It becomes a mask. It's like I'm not even there. And if you've ever seen a newspaper where it said man, murder is 15 people, and they show a picture of the guy's face, it looks empty. It looks soulless. It looks lifeless. You know anyone who's ever been addicted to hardcore drugs, heroin, crystal meth? Crack cocaine. Then it's what their face looks like. They're not even there. It's like their body's here, but their soul isn't even present. And so I'm not saying that when you feel like this, that you look like a mass murderer or a crackhead, but I'm saying you look a lot closer to this than when you're feeling good. And the signals you're giving off to people, I mean people tell me that, oh Nick's just a good looking guy, that's why it gets girls. But if I looked like this when I was trying to talk to girls, do you think any women in the world would be attracted to me? Probably not. Or maybe a couple, but I don't really want them. So now what happens when you're feeling good? Exactly the opposite. Your heart starts beating more slowly. As your heart starts beating more slowly, you start taking deeper, slower breaths. Oh, thank God. That sucks. As you're taking those deeper, slower breaths, it affects your voice. You start speaking more slowly. Start speaking a little bit more deeply. And because you have more air rushing out over your vocal cords, you don't even have to try to yell, but you start speaking with more strength, more power, more volume. Your blood now is being sucked back into your internal organs, no more butterflies in your stomach. And your muscles become nice and loose. Oh, your shoulders drop back down and pull back. Your back straightens. Releasing all that tension from your chest and your neck. Your lower body loosens up too. And this is important because your hips are really where your sexuality's at. If your hips are tight, I mean eye contact is number one, of course. But if your hips are tight, a woman's not gonna be feeling any sexuality. You look at the video I did last year where I demonstrated physical escalation and my hips were very much on a swivel. I mean, I like to rub my crotch against girls quite a bit when I talk to them. And it all comes from having nice, smooth hips. I like to lead with my hips when I'm moving, when I'm feeling nice and sexy. And your legs, your knees, your ankles are all nice and loose. So your weight shifts nicely and slowly from one foot to the other. Not quickly, but just kind of like warm honey. Moving nice and smoothly back and forth. Oh yeah. The most dramatic change, of course, the most dramatic change, of course, happens in your face. Your mind slows down so your eyes start to focus on one thing at a time. You take in everything, every little detail. You pay attention. It's like Sherlock Holmes when he surveys a room. Takes in every little detail of what's happening around him. And most dramatically is in the expression in your face. All of a sudden, your face booms with expression. Doesn't matter what you're talking about. You're not talking about it with your words. You're talking about it with your entire body so that somebody who couldn't even hear your words can feel what you're saying. If you're not communicating like that, you're not communicating. And so you can always control these things. You can always control your physical body at any second she wants to. And I'll tell you the three most common times in relations to women. And I see this time and time again from working with guys. The three most common areas where a guy freezes up and tenses up. And he's not even aware of it. I have to watch it and tell him about it. Yo, you're closed. Open yourself up. Three most common times when he's going to approach a girl those first five seconds, when he's trying to make a conversation happen, what do I say, what do I say, what do I say? And when a girl is showing them that they like him and he knows deep down that he has to escalate, oh, God, what do I do? What do I do? I talked about last year, you just have to do it. It's those three times when a guy freezes up unbeknownst to him. And the second that his body goes tight, the second that he gets to look in his eyes, cat food in the trunk, she is going to immediately drop her attention. She is going to immediately lose all interest period. So that's the biggest part. That's the 20% that does 80% of the work. If you're doing that, you're going to have a lot of success with women period. If you're just controlling your body, making sure when you're talking to them, you're looking at them focused, open, communication, it's going to get there. I mean, luckily, that's not our only advice either, but it's the big part of it. So with that in mind, with that as being the most important thing to always focus on, I want to talk about some of my best stuff for getting through some of those rough spots, some of the biggest things out there. Let's start with the approach. Let's start with the first area that really causes guys to freeze up and tense up and get nervous. Going up and saying hi goes up. Usually, a guy will keep a little too much of a distance. Hey, hey, keep a nice distance. So what's the most important thing about approaching? If there's one skill that I would say is most important to approaching, what would that be? Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would say that it is observation. Observation. And not just for the use of situational openers. Not just to be able to say, oh, you have a dragon on your shirt. How cool is that? Are those silly bands? I love those. By the way, OK, quick tip. Get some silly bands if you don't have them. Seriously. They're amazing, first of all. Girls love them. And if you ever see a girl wearing them, which you will, all the time, all you got to do is like, man, there's some badass silly bands. Yeah, I know. And oh, what do you have? I don't know. What do you have? Oh, my god. It's the easiest way to start a conversation with girls. Get some silly bands. Ridiculously easy. Anyway, anyway, beside the point, beside the point. Number one is observation. Not just for situational openers, but because a girl will be telling you subconsciously whether she wants you to approach her or not. How does she do that? What are the signals? It's really obvious when you think about all the stuff that I just went over. Because this being more open, being more closed, physiology, it doesn't just apply to you and to me and to you and you and you. It doesn't just apply to the guy sitting in this room. It applies to every single human being on the face of the planet. Everybody's got shit they're trying to work through. Everybody's got fears, anxieties, doubts. Women, maybe even more so with men. If we could even fathom that being possible, have this shit brewing inside of them. And so you can look at any woman out there, any woman you see tonight. You can look at her. And you can look at exactly the stuff that we just went over. How much expression she has in her face is the big one. How loud is she speaking? How much animation does she have in her body? How much is she focussely looking around versus how much is she just closing herself off and looking away, keeping to her friends, keeping to the bar? I can promise you that if you go to a try to approach a woman who is showing everyone in the world, sending off loud signals that she is feeling like shit, that she is self-conscious, that maybe she is nervous, maybe she's worried about how she looks in her dress. Maybe she has just had a really bad week at work. Maybe she has gotten to a fight with her friend. Maybe she got dumped by some asshole guy. Maybe things just rolled out of the wrong side of the bed. If she's sending off those signals and you try to talk to her, now unless you're feeling incredible, unless you're on top of the world and feeling amazing, open as possible, she's probably going to give you a negative reaction. I mean, when you're feeling like crap, you don't want to be bothered by anyone. You don't want to deal with anything. You want to be kept to yourself. Get the fuck away from me. I'm good. Leave me alone. You don't want to deal with that. And just like you're going to see tonight, when there's girls who are feeling good, who are feeling open, who are signaling to everyone in the world, even though they don't even realize they're doing it, that they feel amazing, looking around, smiling, moving around, doing that like loud girl laugh that girls sometimes do. And we're like, why is she laughing so loudly and obnoxiously? She's signaling to every single guy, hey, I feel good. I feel sexy. Come talk to me, please. And if you go and talk to that girl, as long as you're not just reeking of closeness and discomfort and, I don't know, a stack of, I don't know, as long as you're not just radiating that you're very, very close, she is going to give you a positive response. She is going to light up a little story just to highlight this. I was working with some guys, Bar in New York City, and corner of the bar, there were three girls, by far the most attractive girls at the bar, hands down. Every other guy there saw them. Every other guy there noticed them. One of my guys says, man, I want to go talk to those girls. So we observed them for a little bit, observation. And they were just closed as shit. They were all circled tight together, frowns on their faces. And I said, not yet. Not yet. Because the thing about all of this is that if a girl is closed to start out, she's not going to stay that way. Some girls are. I feel bad for them, because they've got some real shit to work through. But most girls, most people, what happens? They spend a little bit of time at the bar. They start having fun with their friends. They start to loosen up a little bit. Maybe she has another drink. Maybe a song comes on that she really likes. Maybe she starts getting, talking to some good friends, and they have some laughs. People will open up over time. You just give them a couple minutes, depending on the circumstances. So this guy said, I want to go approach them. I said, not yet. Not yet. And sure enough, we watched some other guy saw the exact same girl, just like all the rest of the guys did. He used the one guy who had the balls to approach him first. So he walked up, and I said, give him 15 seconds. Girls will be rejecting him. Sure enough, about 12 seconds later, he was walking away with his head down. The girls were closing in the ranks. And every other guy saw that. And I mean, no harm, no foul to that guy. He had the balls to do it. Props to him. Cheers to him. All the respect in the world. But all the other guys were watching, and I'm like, I'm not going to go talk to those girls. I'm not going to be the guy to get rejected in front of everybody else, like that. But me and my guys continue to observe. We continue to keep an eye on them. And sure enough, because those guys, because that one guy went and talked to them, they started to loosen up a little bit. Maybe they said to themselves, you know what? We came out to the bar to have fun. Maybe we shouldn't be so stiff. Maybe we should have a little bit more fun. Maybe that guy kicked something loose inside of them. And they started to smile more. They started to laugh more. They started to turn out more. They started to look around a little bit more. So I said to my guy, OK, now, go. Perfect. Talk to him now. And he went up, made sure that we'd already gone over, open, close. I made sure he was expressive, eyeing, moving the body around nice and loosely. He went up and go and talked to them, simple line. I think it was something just like, guys look like you're having a great time. I had to come say hi. Nothing to it. And sure enough, the girls blew wide open. They were all laughing. They were all touching him. They were all like, you know, he was part of the circle. And every other guy in there was looking at him like, oh my god, this guy is some kind of master. This guy is, oh my, I want to learn from him. He is, he knows something that I don't. He, what is he doing? What did he say? No secret to it. No secret to it. Observation, paying attention, not just having the gear spin a million miles an hour up here. Focused, watching, observing. Most important thing when it comes to opening, by far. Five minutes, really? Holy shit. OK, really, really quickly, I want to give you something for conversation, something for that, you're in a conversation, things are going, that'll change your life and every conversation you'll ever have. I don't say that lightly. Conversations, even as Fran was talking about earlier, they always tend to happen where the guy talks way too much. Way too much. Girls love to talk, right? We all know that. We've all heard it before. Girls love to talk. Why is it that we seem to be dominating the conversation a lot when we're talking? Well, because we're nervous. Well, because we don't want to lose the conversation. We're afraid that if we keep quiet for too long that things are going to drop. What? Oh, that was a question? That wasn't a five, son of a bitch. Oh, I'll slow down, then. What's that? I don't know what you were trying to say, but you said five minutes. Oh, yeah, yeah, I was like, hold on. Questions at the end. I'll save a couple of minutes. Oh, jeez. It happens. It was fun. All right. What am I supposed to do with this, Anthony? What am I? OK, so we're a conversation. Change your life. Guys talk way too much when it comes to conversation. So they're afraid that if they stop talking, if there's any silence, the girl's going to lose interest. So they have to keep her attention. That is some of the most self-destructive thinking that you can possibly be doing. You really should not be talking that much. It's the truth. Girls really do like to talk. So what's a technique that you can keep in mind to swing things back in your favor? Everything that I teach, all the techniques, I use they're simple as possible. They're very, very, very simple. And why? Because when you're nervous, when you're going haywire, I want to give you just a simple objective that you can focus on, concentrate on, and do that's going to have the most positive result. Why? Because everything that I teach is very simple. But at the same time, it's very difficult. Why is it very difficult? Because you're actually looking that fear. You're looking that anxiety. You're looking that doubt right in the eye. And you're stepping through it. You're not trying to circumvent it. You're not trying to look around it. You're overcoming it. So the simple thing to focus on when you're in those situations, you're talking, and you just want to do one thing, I like to call it the buffer. It's beautiful. Why? How do most conversations go that a lot of guys have? A lot of guys that I work with, how do their conversations go while they start the conversation? Because that's what a guy does. He says something, and then she says something. And then he says something, and then she says something. And then he says something, and then she says something. And then he says something. Maybe she doesn't always say something. So he says something again. And then she says something, and then he says something. She says something, and he says something. Back forth, back forth. And sometimes, if there's a silence, he'll say something to try to get her back into it. Has this happened to anyone? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? How would my conversations look? And especially in those first five or 10 minutes when you're not sure. Once she opens up, once you guys are laughing and you're having a great conversation and everything's flowing, I mean, shit, do whatever you want to at that point. But it's always in a time when you don't really know each other, and you want her to be more into you, and you're not sure how it's going to go yet, and you're trying probably way too hard. How do my conversations look at that time? Well, of course. I say something first. I'm the guy. More often than that, unless I'm wearing silly bands, and she starts a conversation with me. I say something first, and then, of course, she's going to say something. More often than not, she's going to respond. And then I pause. Silence is your most powerful verbal weapon. I know that doesn't exactly make sense on a literal level, because silence isn't verbal. But silence is your most powerful verbal weapon. Because when there's silences in the conversation, if you rush to fill those, you're trying too hard, period. She will lose interest, because at that moment, you are trying way too hard. And for what? You don't know this girl. She feels awkward in her dress. She's having a bad hair day. Why are you trying so hard? She's not up on this pedestal. She doesn't feel like she's up on this pedestal that guys put her up on. The whole thing about her being up here and us down there, it's bullshit, because girls sure as shit don't feel that way. So when there's that silence there, if you rush to fill that gap, trying way too hard. If all of a sudden, she fills that gap, all of a sudden, things are starting to work the way they're supposed to. All of a sudden, you can get a smile on your face. When a girl says, so, and goes to continue the conversation at that silence, I'm like, ding, OK. She's interested in me. This is clear sailing from now. I can have fun. I can enjoy this conversation. I get to know this person. So she says something. I pause. And this is a good time to actually think about what she's saying. Most guys are thinking about what she's saying as she's saying it, so they can come up with a clever line right off the bat. Most guys want to have that witty response as soon as she's done talking. Like, you know, pop it up, oh, ha, ha, ha. That's how it is in movies sometimes. So we think that's how we should talk. It's not the guys that she wets herself over talks. Guys that she wets herself over in a good way, of course. They actually pause. They reflect upon. They think about for a second. And then after I'm done pausing for a second, I don't say what I'm going to say just yet. Oh, no. Here's the part that changes everything. I buffer. So beautiful. What is a buffer? A buffer is a statement that builds a little bit more anticipation for what you're going to say next, but that also could prompt her to talk more. It's beautiful. It's amazing. So what are some examples of buffers that I use? The one I use constantly, the one that I use all the time, is really, really, really, really. You ever hear me talk to a girl? I will say, really, no less than 1,000 times. I kid you not. My girlfriend got pissed at me one time, actually, because we share a bed. And this was like early in the morning. I was still sleeping. She had woken up. And apparently, I was flirting in my sleep. I was buffering in my sleep, apparently, because she looks over and she told me the story. I just had this big smile on my face. And I was just like, really? That is so interesting. And I woke up and she was like, you son of a bitch. You cheating son of a bitch. It's the best. I say really 1,000 times, really? That is so interesting, I might say. Or I might say, is that right? Is that right? Is that so? Really? You don't say. You know what's funny about that? You know what is so interesting about that? Really? I can't believe you would say that. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, hold on for a second. Buffers, they're magical. And why are they so magical? One, it builds up anticipation for whatever you're going to say next. You throw out a buffer, and all of a sudden she's like, what's so interesting? What's so funny? Really what? Tell me. I want to know. Please, do not leave me hanging like this. And the other thing is, oftentimes, it gives her that prompt to do what she has been dying to do the entire time, which is talk more. So oftentimes, I don't have to say anything. She'll say something, I'll pause. I'll buffer, really? And she'll be like, yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Go on for more. And I'll say, is that right? And she'll be like, yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'll say now, wait a minute. And she'll be like, what, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You should never, ever, ever run out of things to say. One, because you're not rushing to say everything that you have in one bolt. And two, I mean, for every one thing a woman says, you have things that click in your head that they remind you of that you could say in response. But if you just throw out a little buffer, really? Pause again. You have to pause again after the buffer. And then she starts talking again. All of a sudden, you've got a million more things that you could say based off that new slew of stuff that she just threw at you. And you can say anything off of that thing that she just threw out. Or you can say anything off of the first thing she just threw out. And maybe you buffer again. And she throws out another like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you've got a whole new slew of material that you can talk about, that you can vibe off of, that you can use if you're paying attention, if you're listening. Buffers. They're the most beautiful thing in the world. And if you concentrate, focus. You do them anyway. Everything that I teach, it's intuitive. It's all the shit that you do when you're just hanging out with your friends, when you're relaxed, when you're not worried about what to say, when you're not trying to impress her, when you're not thinking about what you should do. It's what you do naturally. And if you focus on taking the actions that you do when you're feeling good, your feelings will follow. Just like when they say, when you're feeling anxious, just take some deep breaths. I didn't make that up, that's for sure. But everything else that I have is kind of based off that exact same principle. Buffer, focus on it. And girls are just talking, talking, talking. You're like, is this really this easy? Really? You should be talking to the minimum of the time, every time. If you're not, you're doing something wrong. Now once again, once she starts opening up and starts, you guys start laughing and you guys start having a good time together and you're not thinking about shit, then, I mean, you do whatever you want. Don't worry about anything. But in that interim, that pre-things when things are a little rocky, buffer. How much time do I have left? 15, I thought that was six. 15, 20, okay, what do I want to talk about? I'll talk about painting a picture. Painting a picture. Another conversation technique. That's really the part where a lot of guys get caught the most. A lot of guys can approach, sometimes get good responses. I mean, a lot of times when guys have girls that are laughing, looking at them, basically throwing themselves at them, like it's nervous, you have to escalate. You have to do some of this stuff physically that I talked about last time. You have to take action there. You have to pound on the keys. But, I mean, getting good at that escalation part, when you have girls that are lighting up and you're having a good time with, I mean, that can be tricky. That can be some fear to fight through, but that's a labor of love. That's the most fun you'll ever have. But consistently getting there time and time again so that you have those opportunities to ask. That can be the part where a lot of guys get caught up. So, on top of buffering, what do you do while you're pausing and while you're buffering to give yourself a little extra time to give yourself more ammunition, whatever you wanna call it? What you're doing and what you do naturally when you're just having a conversation is you're doing what we like to call painting a picture. What painting a picture is, is when a girl says something, when you're feeling nervous and you're thinking about what to say, oftentimes you just focus on the words and you're thinking, okay, what can I say to that? What can I say to that? And your brain usually darts to like logical, topical points that can stem from the thing that she says. For example, she says, I'm from Chicago. And your brain, oh, Chicago. And you start thinking like, okay, Chicago, you start trying to do like an association, Chicago. Oh, Chicago style, hot dogs, Windy City, Cubs fan, The Bears, oh, like Michigan, the beach out there, Wicker Park, I lived in Chicago for a brief stint, so I've got a little more Chicago ammunition. But your brain starts looking for these topical things that the words like remind you of. It's what you do when you're nervous and you're struggling to think of something to say. What we like to say to do is paint the picture. And what that means is that you basically take whatever she said and you imagine, you paint the picture of her doing it, of your entire life's past experience involved with your own self doing these things. For example, I know it's a little abstract. For example, a girl says, I went to Mexico. Four words. So if you're trying to struggle to think of something to say based off those four words, you don't have much to go off of. You go, your mind is racing. Let's see, Mexico, beaches, I don't know, what are some other things, what are some other topical things that you think of when you think of Mexico? What's that? Cabo? Tequila. Yeah, easy. It's the way guys think. It's the way guys relate to each other. Topical things. Oh yeah, see that baseball game last night? Why not, we're dudes. Nothing wrong with that. If you want to relate to the woman, if you want to talk to her, you have to speak personally. You have to make it personal. You have to start painting the picture. So when a girl says to me, I went to Mexico, I'm painting a picture of her experience and I'm recalling my past life experience with something similar. My train of thought is going to go something like this. My train of thought is going to be, oh, well, was this a spur of the moment decision that you made? Or was it something that you've been planning out for a while? Did you pack at the last minute like I always do? Or did you plan your trip a couple months in advance? Was your flight delayed? Like flights happen to be delayed quite a bit now. How long was the flight again? Cause I'm not even sure how long that flight to Mexico. It's probably pretty rocky. Did you watch some movies on the plane? Did you just sleep? Or were you so excited that you couldn't sleep? Did you have a shot of tequila when you hit international waters? When you landed, did I lose your luggage? Or was your luggage actually all there in one piece? You're a girl so you probably overpacked quite a bit, didn't you? That's what girls do, it happens. No problem with that, you have to look pretty. I respect that. Did they have a mariachi band playing in the airport when you got off? Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And not to be stereotypical, but that's the only song I could think of. What was your trip like? Was it were you just laying on the beach the whole time? Were you going out, getting hammered every single night? Were you trekking through the jungle, climbing waterfalls and zip lining and hiking and looking at monkeys swinging through trees? What type of girl are you? Discovering old ancient Aztec ruins or maybe a combination of all of them. How long were you there for? At the end of your trip, were you anxious to get back? Were you homesick? Were you tired? Were you just wanted to come back? Or could you have stayed another week? Did you never want to come back? Were you thinking about moving there? Trip back, was it all right? Did you sleep back on the plane? When you got back where you refreshed, excited to go face the day and face your life or did you need a vacation from your vacation? What was your favorite part of the trip? If you could go back there, would you do it exactly the same again or would you change some things? Painting a picture. And here's what the principle is based off of, is that you guys all have lived at least what? Who's the youngest guy here? 18, anyone who's 18 here? Anyone who's 19 here? Okay, you guys have all lived at least 19 years on this planet, 21 tonight, but you guys have all lived at least 19 years on this planet. You have a wealth of experience to draw from, living in our generation, in our part of the world, in some part of the world, on planet Earth. And it's logical that her being a human being on this planet, in our culture of sorts, has had pretty similar experiences growing up as you did. I used to love Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Say By The Bell when I was growing up. Chances are there's gonna be a lot of girls out there who like the same thing. I can take a wild guess. So anything she says, if I scroll through my back history of experience with it, I can probably have at least one thing that she can relate to. Sometimes I won't. Sometimes she could say something that I have no experience with. I'm completely clueless with. And when that happens, I now have an awesome opportunity for her to teach me something with genuine curiosity. I don't know anything about that. You have to tell me all about it. You're gonna be my resident expert for, I don't know, whatever she's talking about. And if I say something, if she, whatever she says, reminds me of something in my life experience and she's never heard of it before, I'm like, what? How have you never heard of blank? Are you serious? They're the greatest band in the world. Are you kidding? What's wrong with you? What planet did you grow up on? You, tracking through, painting the picture, going through your history, you always have something you can connect with. And because it's genuine, because it came from you actually listening and pausing and thinking and buffering, giving yourself some more time to buffering again, maybe she might say something which can bring through another million things that you could possibly think of, should never run out of things to say it. Everything you say will be pertinent, will be valuable, will make her really light up and excited because very few guys actually do listen, it's scary. I wanna give an example of how great, of how universally this can be used. And the example I like to use is taking the most boring possible thing that a girl could possibly say to you and show that even with that, if you paint the picture, you've still got a million, not a million things, but you've still got quite a good many things that you could say. And I've heard this one time and time again. If there's one thing I've heard that a girl could say that is more blah, like she's just saying that, she doesn't give two shits, it's if I were to say, so what are you guys up to tonight? Cause I usually like to start with boring interview questions. What are you guys up to tonight? Because girls are expecting it, it's the way that people usually communicate, it's the way that the man of her dreams that she's always imagined is gonna talk to her. But the difference is instead of every other guy that just goes down the list, oh, that's cool, what do you do? Oh, that's cool, where are you from? Oh, that's cool. I'm actually gonna listen, I'm gonna, my response to whatever her response would be is gonna be different than anything she's ever heard before in that situation. That's where I get their attention. So one of my favorites is what are you guys up to tonight? And the most common boring response that you will probably ever get is, oh, we're just hanging out, oh, we're just chilling, not much really, just hanging out, right? Could there be a more boring response that a girl could possibly give you to a question? Probably not. So I wanna paint the picture with this because I believe that if we take the most boring example and show that there's still a million things you can say that anything that a woman could possibly say, you could have a million things to say, never running out, especially with the pausing, buffering, pausing, you have to do that, that's unbelievable. So we're just hanging out, we're just chilling. Anybody wanna shout out something right here? When you can think back about you and your friends just hanging out, just chilling, your own life experience with this thing that she said, what it calls to mind, what it reminds you of, what are some possible things that pop up? Anybody, just shout it out. Out at the bar specifically, yes, I definitely do that with friends, but when you're out at a bar maybe, out at a drinking location with some friends, what does that night look like? Unwinding from a hard day of work, what'd you say? Ordering shots, great, what else? Beer pong, nice, why not? I invented that game, I'm not sure if you were aware of that but it's a long story. Anybody else? What are you and your friends, you're hanging out, what does the night look like? Playing some sort of games, some sort of drinking games, bullshit games, yeah. What else? Talking shit to each other, happens. What else would you do with your friends? What do you guys all hear for? I mean, aside from the reason I gave you, what did you all think you were here for? Women, you go out to pick up girls, crazy, what else? Hard day at work, maybe a friend's in town who you haven't seen in a while, maybe, I don't know, maybe it's Friday night and that's what you do on Friday night, maybe, there's an occasion when somebody's birthday get together for that, right? Maybe, Jesus, I don't know, maybe you are gonna be ordering some shots, getting crazy, maybe you're just gonna take it easy and have a beer or two, yes. Five minutes? So these, right here, are all amazing things that she can fully relate to that are going to, I mean, as boring as that question is, these are all things that she can fully relate to that all make excellent responses that are gonna be unlike anything else she's heard that night, I can promise you, because most guys here, oh, chilling, oh, that's cool. If you say really, are you guys all from around here? Have you had a long day and you're just blowing off steam? Guys all work together? How did you, did you go to school together? Are you on vacation? Is one of you just in town visiting? Guys going crazy tonight, are you just doing shots or maybe playing some beer pong? Oh, there's no beer pong tables here, but if you're a house party, maybe, some bars, definitely have them. Taking a quieter night, just having a couple drinks, just relaxing, celebrating anything. Somebody's birthday, oh, she's wearing the tiara, I'm not an idiot, I know what that means. Baby, they're just out, you know what? I know what you guys are out for, you're just out to pick up boys, tell me the truth, I can tell by that look in your eye, you're out here to meet boys. Everything that you've ever done when you're out with friends, all 100% the same things they do, they're not that different. They're the exact same, I mean, aside from having a vagina and being a little crazy sometimes, they're the exact same as we are. Oh, we're crazy too. Anything that you could possibly think of from your own experience, easily relatable. You have far more in common than different and the only differences that you really have are all put up by this thing on your shoulders that are just filling it up with doubt, creating divisions, telling you that everything is different, telling you, God, filling your head with so much shit that gets in the way. The only barriers that you ever have to cross, the only tests that you ever have to pass, the only things you ever have to overcome, they're not coming from her, she's just wondering why she's still single and why she can't find a guy. They're all coming from right here and if you just start focusing on the right things and not letting this shit brain run wild and fill your head with garbage every single time you start to feel like crap up here but actually take action to overcome it, those walls melt away and you see that it's so much easier than you ever thought possible. It's so much more fun, it's the way it's supposed to be, it's enjoyable. Guys are supposed to have fun going out and talking to girls, it's not supposed to be work, it's not supposed to be this traumatic heart, oh, I gotta go and do this again, I gotta focus, I gotta push myself. No, you can't wait to go out and do it because it's the most enjoyable experience you'll ever have in your life. If you're thinking about the shit, the way it's supposed to be thought about, focusing on the right things and not letting the bullshit get in the way. I'd like to open up, I still have a minute, I'd like to answer a question or two, do I have a? Perfect, perfect, perfect. What's that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we've gotta start our boot camp up for the weekend, of course, but yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be definitely down for a question or two afterwards. Question, you had a question over there, I know. Peter, come on. You can shout, I think we can all hear you. What's that? Yeah. Did any guys go to try to approach them? What were the responses they got from those girls? Weird, some people never open up. Sometimes girls just want to be hanging out with girls. Sometimes I go out with friends and I don't want to be bothered. It happens. There's a million girls in the world. It's one of the nice things about there is that there's always more girls. If you try to beat your head against us, well, why can't I do this? You're just gonna frustrate yourself more. You're just gonna get more down on yourself. You're just gonna, it's gonna kill any momentum you have. And the other key point that I want to, why this is so important of paying attention to those who's open and who's closed, I'm glad you brought this up, is because when I start out, I mean, I'm usually feeling a little creaky. I'm usually feeling a little stiff at the beginning of the night. And so I want to make sure that the first girls I approach are going to be more open themselves, are more loose themselves. Why? Because feelings are contagious. And if I'm feeling a little stiff at first, I'm gonna go talk to some girls who I know are gonna give me a positive response, who are gonna give me a solid response back. And so I start talking to them. I start getting looser. I go talk to some other girls who are fairly open. And as I'm showing my socialness, other girls are gonna start to give me positive signs because they all want to talk to the guy that's being social, which you know by now. And so I'm gonna start talking to the girls that are giving the most open signals first. The first one, two, three, even four approaches I do in the night are going to be with the most open girls for the sheer purpose of getting myself looser. Because once I start rolling, once I get my social momentum going, that feeling of being in the zone, it's something by following those steps. It's something that you can, it's a muscle, but it's something that you can do every single time you go out and strengthen and get into whenever you want to. You can control that. And so once I start getting rolling and once I start feeling great, then I'll go talk to any girl I want to. And because I'm feeling so good, because I don't give a shit because I'm feeling amazing and on top of the world, girls who are closed, I'll be able to get them to open up a good amount of times. And girls who are, and girls who are so close that they blow me up, I don't give two shits. There's a middle, I'm feeling so amazing, just rolls right off the shoulder and I go talk to the next girl and have an amazing conversation with her. I'm glad you brought that up. Good question. Very important though, yes. You gotta wrap up. Gotta wrap up? Yeah, that's the time. All right, well thank you guys for your time. Once again, I appreciate it. Thank you.