 Breathe in breathe out breathe in breathe out breathe in You know Breathing is never really helped with this sort of thing. Nothing ever does It's always a roller coaster of stress that happens the week before an important event Roller coaster I willingly ride on because you know, it's fun afterwards I willingly step up to the boarding platform in excitement I pull on the restraints and not until the dispatch of the ride does the dread fill my body The sound of the chain lifting me up the hill as the days pass I feel okay at the beginning, but it just grows and grows and I've already done Everything I could possibly do to get ready for this and I know why I do what I do and the fact that I Signed up for this I keep going over what I know obsessively. I keep working at the music. We're in this case, you know the presentation Now it's four days before the event and something I've worked on for months still isn't good enough for myself The car is climbing higher and higher into the air. The logical part of me knows I'm prepared That part of me knows that I've done everything I could do to be ready But it's still not good enough not close enough to the perfection I need It's not as important as I built it up to be in my mind I know that but I still can't shake the screaming building in my chest And I know this feeling will only grow more and more intense until the minute I walk in to that room The director knows me he put his trust into me to do this I've worked on containment of this SCP for months. I still review the document continuing to read everything I can get my hands on knowing the presentation Inside and out the little intricacies on what needs to be done. What shouldn't be done what we're asking for And I'm so afraid that some stupid little detail will slip my mind and cause everything to be destroyed. I Need to keep working on it no matter how much I'm sure I'm ready because I Have to even if it's almost too late to do anything about it. It's not that I'm not prepared I am I know I'm prepared It's the fact that no matter what the fear of failure lingers in my mind It's the fear of not being good enough it pulls at threads that don't need to be pulled And it makes me believe in the what ifs the belief that I'll never be good enough the fear that the second I step up my mind will grow blank, and I'll forget everything. I've worked so fucking hard towards these last months You know that I'm gonna stumble over my words like notes in a song that I've missed the beat of that I'll come out of that room less than satisfied. It's not that I'm unprepared. I Could be considered overprepared, but that anxiety still lingers I take a breath and I hold it in Pop out my chest listen to the sound of my thudding heart. I'm great. I'm absolutely amazing. I can do this I always go through this I go through the same things in my mind trying Desperately to make it silent to save my confidence for the presentation We're a click away from the top of the roller coaster Just before the pause to stare down at the rest of it And my only option is to shove on false confidence and act as though I own the place Because in the end they kind of do Yeah, I know it sounds overindulgent But the need to build myself up just before going to the violent bloodbath that is in my mind It's it's an ever-present problem my chest It's heavy. It feels like I'm gonna sink right through the floor And I'm more than determined to shove these obnoxious feelings out of my mind and out of my body I keep going starting my walk down the hall Presentation and accompanying speech playing through my mind over and over. It's like I'm staring down the roller coaster there's just one more click of the chain and I Hold my breath and the hairs on my arms and legs stand on in I feel every inch of my body but it doesn't feel like mine and Every negative feeling builds a castle in my chest and the strength and anxiety Just start threatening to spill over It rips at my heart my lungs Keeps pushing until everything goes silent the moment I introduce myself. I Can feel my entire body shake underneath the weight and then It just subsides The roller coaster drops False confidence is gaining momentum until it turns into real confidence and at that moment Everything I mean everything falls into place It wrecks Everything that my anxiety has built inside of me freeing me from the sickening grasp The moment it begins. I'm not me. I'm not talking. It's somebody else. I mean, there's still me But it's not me talking Every word flows for me and the feeling of relief is overwhelming and I say each word Clearly not stumbling over anything as the car flies through tight inversions and loop-de-loops and so on and so on and I know where this goes the memories of the words I last said are slipping from my brain It's a constant process. I tear myself apart just to be built back up again But I love the feeling The airtime that you get from the work it always spills over into pride the moment it begins and Then I breathe out False confidence by Celeste Cara Can be found on the scp wiki at HTTP colon forward slash forward slash scp dash wiki dot wiki dot com forward slash false dash Confidence and it is under a creative commons share alike attribution 3.0 Unported license Thank you very much for listening I thought I'd do a reading today. I was feeling a little bit a little bit sick to my stomach So it'd be a little easier than being on camera If you enjoyed the video please Hit the subscribe button and then hit the notification bell next to that so you're notified when I upload new videos and then Head on over to patreon.com forward slash decimering and pledge at any level Like everybody here on the screen already has including dr. J redacted and synderiki who have both pledged at a hundred dollars It is nice to know that i'm not alone out here and I will see you all again on thursday