 The narcissist is haunted by what they did to you. The narcissist gave you a false character. They mirrored your virtues and ideals. They reflected it back to you. They lied and manipulated you. They sold you a dream and you believed that you were connecting with them. You believed that you were getting to know them. But in actuality you were just getting to know a false character which they were detached from. Which is why they didn't feel bad when they were devaluing you. Because they saw themselves as separate and disconnected from you. While also seeing you as an extension of themselves. Which they could use to project all of their negative characteristics and traits onto. Narcissists are shame based people who are doing everything they can to avoid reflecting on their shame. So when you started to catch on to what they were doing. And you began to confront them. That is when it became difficult for them to deflect their shame onto you. Unless they could continue to deny, project, blame shift or gas like you. But if even these tactics were rendered ineffective. Their only other options were to go to discourage you or to start a smear campaign against you. So that the external world continues to reflect their internal reality. Which is used as a coping and defence mechanism to the true reality. And that is based on this black and white mentality which they never abandoned from childhood. Where people are either all good or all bad. Right or wrong. Which is why when you are dealing with a narcissist there is no grey area. There is no situation in which it is difficult for them to judge what is right and what is wrong. It's just an automatic process that has been developed in their heads. It's something that we all experience in childhood and were meant to grow out of it. But the narcissist held on to it. Because it's something they use to deflect their shame. So that they can continue doing what they do. And so that the disorder is able to function. For them to be narcissists and for them to abuse their targets. They have to have a false self which they are not attached to. They have to objectify us. And they have to be able to deflect their shame. As long as these components are present the narcissist is able to continue doing what they do. But this also means that they can never acknowledge us as separate people. Everything they perceive of in this world is filtered through the lens of their shame. Because for their disorder to function. They can be no introspection or self reflection. They can't look at themselves or reflect on what they are doing to you. They can't perceive you as a separate person. Because if they were to do that. They would immediately reflect on their shame and it would destroy them. They would go insane just by acknowledging this reflection of themselves. So instead they suppressed their shame. They tried to prevent the development of it. By resisting it. By pushing it away. But by doing that they are validating it. They are treating it as important. And it becomes a part of them. Because it takes far more energy to resist than it does to accept. Which means that even if they don't acknowledge their shame. It will linger in their subconscious. And it will affect their experience in life from that point on. Until they finally choose to attend to it. Which is not something that they do. Instead they hold on to it. And it shows in their actions and behaviours. Because their shame is what perpetuates the cycle of abuse. If they had no shame it would not be possible for them to mistreat you. As within so without. You cannot give that which you do not already possess. Narcissists are abusive and manipulative. Because they carry a lot of shame. They are constantly haunted by their mistakes in the past. They fear not being enough. They fear criticism. They fear rejection and abandonment. Because they fear it far more than the average person. Which is why they are constantly trying to suppress or deflect their shame. And shame is so damaging to a person's psyche. That it can even cause NPD to develop later in life. Because it can affect the personality. They may find it easier to have a grandiose arrogant mask than to face what's going on inside. Because by looking down on other people. They don't have to accept that there is anything wrong with themselves. Which is why they always need to have new supply. Or why they're always surrounded by their enablers and flying monkeys. Because having other people around helps them to suppress their shame. As long as they validate and accept their false character as being real. But this is why they can't be alone. Because if they were ever left alone to reflect on the damage they've done to people's lives. They would probably go insane. They would commit suicide. Or they would end up in a mental institution. This is why they need constant chaos and dysfunction. Because it supports their narrative that nothing is wrong with them. As long as they can see other people going through it. It tells them that they're not responsible for anything that weren't wrong. So then they can deflect their shame. They can project their negative emotions onto you. By making you doubt reality and even your own identity. And convincing other people that you're crazy. It acts as a coping and defence mechanism for how they really feel about themselves. Because deep down they hate themselves. And that is why they will always hate you. Because you're a reflection of what they're not. You're kind and innocent. And while they're wicked, immoral and corrupt. So they have to twist things by messing with your mind. And get you to detach from yourself. Because one of the biggest threats to the illusion is you seeing yourself as you actually are. It completely destroys their false narrative and their distorted view of themselves. As long as they can make you emotional they can control you. They need to control you because they can't control themselves. And they can't control themselves because they're so full of shame. From the things that they did to you or from the people before you. But they're also haunted by your happiness and success. From the thought of you moving on and no longer caring about them. Because they thrive on attention and believe in the world revolves around them. Which is why the last thing they want is for you to move on and build their life without them. Because they need to be the centre of your universe. They need to keep you on a leash. So that they can deflect their shame. But this is how you know what they're going through. Because a narcissist's shame is what encourages their desire to control you. It's because they have low self esteem and they're very insecure. Because they're haunted by the things they did to you. And that is what perpetuates the cycle of abuse. Because if they were to admit their shame. They would let go of control and face their fears head on. But this is something narcissists are unable to do. Which is why they struggle to maintain friendships that experience true intimacy. Because they struggle with low self esteem. They fear and despise their shame so much that they project it onto you. They blame and criticise you. In an attempt to distance themselves from their own shame. So that they can feel better about themselves. Now that they view you as flawed. And put on a show that they are superior to you. And that they have high self esteem and they're free of problems. When in actuality this is all just a show. Because they actually feel very insecure and they have low self esteem. They try to protect themselves against this by convincing you that they are superior. But really they feel powerless. Which is why they must control you and their environment. So that they can feel powerful and in control. Everything they do is a protection against you seeing them from what they really are. What they really are is nothing for you to feel as special or important. They're nothing more than weak fragile people with low self esteem. And they protect themselves against their shame. By using several different techniques. Such as blame shift and rage or the silent treatment. And all this does is cause their shame to grow even more. Because they're not attending to the cause of the issue. Which led them to mistreating you in the first place. Instead they're just trying to deflect it onto you. Which means that it never gets resolved. And this is why they're always miserable. It's why they're never happy. And it's why they're never satisfied with anything they have. It's why they lack the capacity to give significant authentic love and empathy. Because they're buried in their shame and they're haunted by the things that they've done. Thank you for watching. 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