 My name is Sam Vaknin and I am the author of Malignland Self-Love, Narcissism Revisit. Parents, primary objects, and more specifically mothers, are the first agents of socialization. It is through his mother that the child explores the answers to the most important vexing existential questions, which shape his entire life. How loved one is, how lovable, how independent one becomes, how guilty one should feel for wanting to become autonomous, how predictable is the world, how much abuse should one expect in life, and so on. To the infant, the mother is not only an object of dependence, as his survival is at stake, it's not only an object of love and adoration, it is a representation of the universe itself. It is through the mother that the child first exercises his senses, the tactile, the olfactory, and the visual. Later on, she becomes the subject of his nascent sexual cravings if he is a male, a diffuse sense of wanting to merge physically as well as spiritually. This object of love is idealized and internalized and becomes part of the child's conscious superego. For better or for worse, she, the mother, is the artistic, the benchmark against which everything in his future is measured. One forever compares oneself, one's identity, one's actions and omissions, one's achievements, one feels and hopes and aspirations, and one's partners to this metacon figure. Growing up entails a gradual separation from one's mother. At first, the child begins to shape a more realistic view of her, that incorporates the mother's shortcomings and disadvantages in this modified version. The more ideal, less realistic and earlier picture of the mother, he is stored and becomes part of the child's psyche. The later, less cheerful, more realistic view enables the infant to define his own identity and gender identity, and to go out to the world. Thus, partly abandoning mother is the key to an independent exploration of the world, personal autonomy, into a strong sense of self. Resolving the sexual complex and the resulting conflict of being attracted to a forbidden figure, is the second determining step. The male child must realize that his mother is off limits to him sexually, and emotionally or psychologically, and that she belongs to his father or to other males. He must thereafter choose to imitate his father, become a man, in order to win in the future someone like his mother. The third and final stage of letting go of the mother is reached during the delicate period of adolescence. One then seriously ventures out, and finally builds and secures one's own world replete with a new mother-lover. If any of these stages, any of these phases is thwarted, the process of differentiation is not successfully completed. No autonomy or coherent self are achieved, and dependence and infantilism characterize this unlucky person. What determines the success or failure of these phases in one's personal history? Mostly one's mother. If the mother does not let go, the child does not go. If the mother herself is a dependent narcissistic type, the growth prospects of the child are indeed doomed. There are numerous mechanisms, which mothers use to ensure the continued presence and emotional dependence of their offspring, of both sexes. The mother can cast herself in the role of an eternal victim, a sacrificial figure who dedicated her life to the child, with the implicit or explicit proviso of reciprocity that the child dedicates his life to her. Another strategy is to treat the child as an extension of the mother, or conversely, to treat herself as an extension of the child. Yet another tactic is to create a situation of shared psychosis or foliader, the mother and child united against external threats, such as the father. Or to create an atmosphere suffused with sexual and erotic insinuations, emotional incest, leading to an illicit, psychosexual bonding between mother and child. In this latter case, the adult's ability to interact with members of the opposite sex is gravely impaired, and the mother is perceived as envious of any feminine influence other than hers. Such a mother is frequently critical of the women in her offspring's life pretending to do so in order to protect him from dangerous liaisons, or from ones which are beneath him. Such a mother says, you deserve more, she is a gold digger. Other mothers exaggerate their neediness. They emphasize their financial dependence and lack of resources, their health problems, their emotional barrenness without the soothing presence of the child. There need to be protected against this or that, mostly imaginary enemy. Guilt is a prime mover in the perverted relationship of relationships of such mothers and their children. The death of the mother is therefore a devastating shock and deliverance. It's ambivalent. It creates ambivalent emotional reactions. Even a normal adult who mourns his dead mother is usually exposed to such emotional duality. The ambivalence is a source of great guilt feelings. I am shocked and devastated, but am also relieved and delivered. With a person who is abnormally attached to his mother, the situation is more complicated. He feels that he has a part in her death, that he is to blame somehow responsible, that he could have done more. He is glad to be liberated, but he feels guilty and punishable because of it. He feels sad and elated, naked and powerful, exposed to dangers and omnipotence, about to disintegrate and to be newly integrated. This precisely, are the emotional reactions to successful therapy. With the death of his mother, the nausea system box for a process of healing.