 This is going to be a very different video from what you usually see on my channel. You usually see me screaming, jumping around, having a time of my life, screaming tatakai or talking about chatarou, but I have been going through a lot in these past six months, mentally. And it's not about you guys, it's not about anime. Anime is like the best thing that's ever happened to me, let me be honest. So first and foremost, let's make that clear. It's not that I don't know what it is, but it's like, I want to be the person you see on my videos. I want to be that person. I want to be happy, excited, making jokes, having a time of my life. But it's like when the camera turns off and I'm not doing a video, I'm laying down on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, asking myself, what am I doing with my life? Who am I? Why am I depressed? I have everything I want or at least what I think I wanted. Why am I not happy? Why am I so lost? You know, with streaming, I noticed a lot. With a video, when I do a YouTube video, I could bottle up my energy for a day and then record that video, and it takes about 20 to 30 minutes, unless I'm doing a longer episode, then it's like 40 minutes, maximum 40 minutes. When I stream, we're talking two, three hours, and I'm not faking my reactions. I'm not faking my excitement and happiness, because I have to go to my job, I have to put on a smile. I'm not doing that. That's the only time I am happy. So it's like the opposite. I'm not faking it. I'm putting it on. I'm being my true self. I don't know if that makes sense, but. I've realized with streaming, it put a lot of things into perspective. Like is, could I do this? Could I use this energy for that amount of time? Because I'm exhausted after a stream. At the end of my streams, you notice sometimes I'm like, guys, I'm tired, I'm exhausted, and I'm not talking about sleepy tired, but like mentally exhausted. I am at like my maximum amount of communication at that time. And I don't want to be like that. I don't. And I thought if I kept doing it more and more, I would get there. But it just gets worse. And I want to stream. I want to do more. I want to talk to you guys. It's not like I'm forcing myself to do this, but I just can't right now. I can't. And I hope you understand. I hate letting people down, especially those that mean everything to me. You guys mean, you saved me, honestly, you saved my life. I would not be here if it wasn't for YouTube and the amount of people that watch me and message me. But with all that being said, I don't know if I can stream right now because it just takes too much out of me, especially what I've been going through these past six, seven months. It's like I have to get to the point where I have to fake. Not not fake, but where I have to push myself over the limit. And I already do my videos and I'm fine with that. The videos will continue. I'm fine with doing videos. YouTube is easy for me. And I'm doing YouTube videos, but Twitch streaming, it really put things in a perspective and highlighted my real problem. And I told you guys I would do this one piece Saturday stuff where every Saturday I would do 10 episodes and then I lowered it to five and it wasn't because of copyright. It's because I just can't do 10. I can't be live that long right now without having a nervous breakdown and a panic attack or even worse. So if I feel terrible not being able to commit to something like that, because I know people get excited to watch my streams. I know people get excited to watch one piece with me and to see my reactions. But I think right for now, for now, I need to take my focus off Twitch and put it all into YouTube, continue my daily content, react in the episodes of animes, animes that I dropped because of streaming, Vinland Saga Arcane, Full Metal Alchemist. I dropped these animes on my channel because streaming just took so much out of me. But I don't want to be like that. I want to stream. It's been my dream to do that. I want to be a YouTuber, a streamer. I want to be one of those big streamers and YouTubers. That's my goal. I live for that. And that might be a childless dream, but you know, it's mine. I want to do that, but I can't do it right now. And I hate making a video like this because you see my videos and then you see this video and you're like, oh, this is the same guy. But I hope you understand that not everything you see is what it really is. You know, you see on Instagram, these people have an amazing lives, but that's just that picture in the moment. And with my videos, it's like the video in the moment. Once that camera's off, I'm just like the rest of the people. Rest of these stressed out kids in the world. I'm not even a kid. I'm an adult. I'm just stressed out. And I need to work on this. I need to work on my mental health. And I hope you understand that, but the videos are not stopping. YouTube will always be here for me. Twitch is just going to be on pause. I don't know for how long. I don't want to give schedules out because then I feel so bad when I don't fulfill the schedule. When I say that I can't do a day because of the way I feel because of what I'm going through, but I just can't even look myself in the mirror nowadays. And I need to fix that. I need to work on myself for the first time. I need to put myself first. And I love to put it you guys first. I'll always make you my main priority, but I think right now I need to just work on me. I just need to make sure I'm healthy and I don't do anything that could hurt people. I've become bitter. I've become very pissed off at everything. Every little thing pisses me off lately. Like a loud noise going off in my background could piss me off and I shouldn't feel like this. I'm on edge. I'm on the edge and I don't want to fall. I don't want to fall. I'm right at the end and I can't. I can't fall. I got to step back. I got to take that step back, reevaluate things, come back to reality and understand that it's okay to feel like this. And I shouldn't have to ask people if I could put my mental health first. But I just hope it's okay with you guys. But yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't want to lower a mood. I didn't want to ruin a mood. I just needed to get this out. My heart's been beating all day. I just had a family vacation for like three days of my family and I just had a lot of time to think about this and it just made me realize that I need to fix myself. Not only for me, but for you guys. I want to make better content for you. I want to be genuine. And like I said, this isn't me putting on an act to do a video or to stream. It's me being myself. But then when I cameras off reverting back to this mental prison, this mental hell. So being on camera is a distraction for me. When I'm distracted, it's like I'm happy. And I just need to find a way not to fall into that. I don't want the only time to be happy is when I'm on camera. I want to always be happy. But now it's affecting my personal life. I don't go out my friends. They always invite me out like every other day, every week. And I don't go out. I haven't been out my friends in months. They invite me out almost every day. I haven't been out with a girl since last November. I should be living my life, hanging out with my friends, seeing family, having fun, going on vacations, meeting a girl, starting a family. I should be doing all of this. But I'm not. And it's this. It's my mental. This mental hell that I've created. And I got to fix that. But yeah, I'm sorry again. But at the same time, I'm not sorry because I got to put myself first. But you guys mean everything to me. And I don't want to let you down. And I know this is going to turn a lot of people off from my channel because they think I'm faking now. But I hope they watched the entire video to understand what the real problem is. But yeah, guys, videos continue tomorrow. Spy family. We got tomorrow. But right now, I'm just putting streaming on hold. We'll be back though. And when I come back, I'm going to be at my best. I'm going to take over. And I'm going to be one of the best to do it. That's my plan. I think one and three are the exact same thing. So even when I'm doing an emotional video, I have to make a joke. I'm so sorry. It was so hard not making a joke during this video. Yeah, whatever, man. I love you guys. But yeah, I got to learn to love myself too.