 HELLEN'S BABYS, PART SIX. UNCLE HARRY, SAID BUDGE, T' WAS REAL GOOD OF THE LORD TO LET YOU BE WITH US, ELSE TOTTY MIGHT HAVE GROUNDED. YES, SAID I, AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE MUCH. OCCAN HOWE, CRIED TOTTY, running impetuously toward me, pulling me down, and patting my cheek with his muddy black hand. I LOVES YOU FOR TAKING ME OUT TO WATER. I accept your apology, SAID I, but let's hurry home. There was but one residence to pass, and that, thank fortune, was so densely screened by shrubbery that the inmates could not see the road. To be sure, we were on a favourite driving-road, but we could reach home in five minutes, and we might dodge into the woods if we heard a carriage coming. Ha! There came a carriage already, and we—was there ever a sorry or looking group? There were ladies in the carriage, too. Could it be? Of course it was. Did the evil spirit, which guided those children always, send an attendant for Miss Maiden before he began operations? There she was, anyway, cool, neat, dainty, trying to look collected, but severely flushed by the attempt. It was of no use to drop my eyes, for she had already recognised me, so I turned to her a face which I think must have been just the one, unless more defiant, that I carried into two or three cavalry-charges. "'You seem to have been having a real good time together,' said she, with a conventional smile as the carriage passed. "'Remember, you're all going to call on me tomorrow afternoon.' "'Bless the girl. Her heart was as quick as her eyes. Almost any other young lady would have devoted her entire energy to laughing on such an occasion, but she took her earliest opportunity to make me feel at ease. Such a royal-hearted woman deserves to—' I caught myself just here, with my cheeks growing quite hot under the mud Toddie had put on them, and I led our retreat with a more stylish carriage than my appearance could possibly have warranted, and then I consigned my nephews to the maid, with very much the air of an officer turning over a large number of prisoners he had captured. I hastily changed my soiled clothing for my best, not that I expected to see any one, but because of a sudden increase in the degree of respect I felt toward myself. When the children were put to bed and I had no one but my thoughts for companions, I spent a delightful hour or two in imagining as possible some changes of which I had never dared to think before. On Monday morning I was in the garden at sunrise. Toddie was to carry his expiatory bouquet to Miss Maten that day, and I proposed that no pains should be spared to make his atonement as handsome as possible. I canvassed carefully every border, bed, and detached flowering plant until I had as accurate an idea of their possibilities, as if I had inventoried the flowers in pen and ink. This done, I consulted the servant as to the unsoiled clothing of my nephews. She laid out their entire wardrobe for my inspection, and after a rigid examination of everything I selected the suits which the boys were to wear in the afternoon. Then I told the girl that the boys were going with me after dinner to call on some ladies, and that I desired that she should wash and dress them carefully. Tell me just what time you'll start, sir, and I'll begin an hour beforehand, said she. That's the only way to be sure that they don't disgrace you. For breakfast we had, among other things, some stewed oysters served in soup-plates. Oh, Todd, shrieked Budge, there's the turtle-plates again. Oh, ain't I glad? Oh, e, turtle-piates, squealed Toddie. What on earth do you mean, boys? I demanded. I'll show you, said Budge, jumping down from his chair and bringing his plate of oysters cautiously toward me. Now you just put your head down underneath my plate and look up, and you'll see a turtle. For a moment I forgot that I was not at a restaurant, and I took the plate, held it up, and examined its bottom. There, said Budge, pointing to the trademark in colors of the makers of the crockery. Don't you see the turtle? I abruptly ordered Budge to his seat, unmoved even by Toddie's remark that, day-ish turtles, but they can't qual around like other turtles. After breakfast I devoted a great deal of fussy attention to myself. Never did my own wardrobe seem so meager and ill-assorted. Never did I cut myself so many times while shaving. Never did I use such unsatisfactory shoe-polish. I finally gave up in despair my effort to appear genteel, and devoted myself to the bouquet. I cut almost flowers enough to dress a church, and then remorselessly excluded every one which was in the least particular imperfect. In making the bouquet I enjoyed the benefit of my nephew's assistance and counsel, and took enforced part in conversation which flowers suggested. I can howee, said Toddie, is heaven all like this with pretty flowers, because I don't see what the angels ever turns out for if tis. Uncle Harry, said Budge, when the leaves all go up and down and wriggle around, so are they talking to the wind? I guess so, old fellow. Who are you making that bouquet for, Uncle Harry? asked Budge. For a lady, for Miss Maiden, the lady that saw us all muddy yesterday afternoon, said I. Oh, I'd like her, said Budge. She looks so nice and pretty, just like a cake, just as if she was good to eat. Oh, I just love her, don't you? Well, I respect her very highly, Budge. Spect? What a spect mean. Why, it means that I think she's a lady, a real pleasant lady, just the nicest sort of lady in the world, the sort of person I'd like to see every day, and like to see her better than anyone else. Oh, I suspect, and love means just the same thing, don't they, Uncle Harry? Budge, I exclaimed, somewhat hastily, run ask Maggie for a piece of string, quick. All right, said Budge, moving off. But they do, don't they? At two o'clock, I instructed Maggie to dress my nephews, and at three, we started to make our call. To carry Toddy's bouquet, and hold a hand of each boy, so as to keep them from darting into the hedges for grasshoppers, and the gutters for butterflies, was no easy work, but I managed to do it. As we approached Mrs. Clarkson's boarding house, I felt my hat was over one ear, and my cravat awry, but there was no opportunity to rearrange them, for I saw Alice Maiton on the piazza, and felt that she saw me. Handing the bouquet to Toddy, and promising him three sticks of candy if he would be careful and not drop it, we entered the garden. The moment we were inside the hedge, and Toddy saw a man going over the grass with a lawn mower, he shrieked, oh, dare you cut her grass, and dropped the bouquet with a carelessness borne of perfect ecstasy. I snatched it before it reached the ground, dragged the offending youth up the walk, saluted Miss Maiton, and told Toddy to give the bouquet to the lady. This he succeeded in doing, but as Miss Maiton thanked him and stooped to kiss him, he wriggled off the piazza like a little eel, shouted, come on, to his brother, and a moment later my nephews were following the cutter grass at a respectful distance in the rear. Those are my sister's best children in the world, Miss Maiton, said I. Blast the little darlings, replied the lady, I do love to see children enjoying themselves. So do I, said I, when I am not responsible for their well-being, but if the effort I have expended on those boys had been directed toward the interests of my employers, those worthy gentlemen would consider me invaluable. Miss Maiton made some witty reply, and we settled to a pleasant chat about mutual acquaintances, about books, pictures, music, and the gossip of our set. I would cheerfully have discussed Herbert Spencer's system, the Assyrian tablets, or any other dry subject with Miss Maiton, and felt that I was richly repaid by the pleasure of seeing her. Handsome, intelligent, composed, tastefully dressed, without a suspicion of the flirt or the languid woman of fashion about her, she awakened to the uttermost every admiring sentiment and every manly feeling. But alas, my enjoyment was probably more than I deserved, so it was cut short. There were other ladies boarding at Mrs. Clarkson's, and as Miss Maiton truthfully observed at our first meeting, men were very scarce at Hillcrest. So the ladies, by the merest accident, of course, happened upon the piazza, and each one was presented to me, and common civility made it impossible for me to speak to Miss Maiton more than once in ten minutes. At any other time and place I should have found the meeting of so many ladies a delightful experience, but now suddenly a compound shriek arose from the lawn, and all the ladies sprang to their feet. I followed their example, setting my teeth firmly and viciously, hoping that whichever nephew had been hurt was badly hurt. We saw Toddy running toward us, with one hand in his mouth, while Bud ran beside him, exclaiming, Poor little Toddy, don't cry. Does it hurt you awful? Never mind. Uncle Harry'll comfort you. Don't cry, Toddy dear. Both boys reached the piazza steps and clambered up, Bud exclaiming. Oh, Uncle Harry, Toddy put his fingers in the little wheels of the cuttergrass, and it turned just the least little bitty, and it hurted him. But Toddy ran up to me, clasped my legs and sobbed, Sink Toddy one boy day. My blood seemed to freeze. I could have choked that dreadful child, suffering though he was. I stooped over him, caressed him, promised him candy, took out my watch, and gave it to him to play with. But he returned to his original demand. A lady, the homeliest in the party, suggested that she should bind up his hand, and I inwardly blessed her. But he reiterated his request for Toddy one boy day, and sobbed pitifully. What does he mean, asked Miss Maiton? He wants Uncle Harry to sing Charlie Boy one day, explained Budge. He always wants that song when he's hurt anyway. Oh, do sing it to him, Mr. Burton, pleaded Miss Maiton, and all the other ladies exclaimed, oh, do. I wrathfully picked him up in my arms and hummed the air of the detested song. Sit in a walk-in chair, sobbed Toddy. I obeyed, and then my tormentor remarked, you don't sing the wides, words, I want the wides. I sang the words as softly as possible, with my lips close to his ear, but he roared, sing louder. I don't know any more of it, Toddy, I exclaimed in desperation. Oh, I'll tell it all to you, Uncle Harry, said Budge. And there, before that audience, and her, I was obliged to sing that dreadful dogaral line for line, as Budge repeated it. My teeth were set tight, my brow grew clammy, and I gazed upon Toddy with terrible thoughts in my mind. No one laughed. I grew so desperate that a titter would have given relief. At last I heard someone whisper. See how he loves him, poor man, he's in perfect agony over the little fellow. Had not the song reached its natural end, just then I believe I should have tossed my wounded nephew over the Piazza Rail. As it was, I set him upon his feet, announced the necessity of our departure, and began to take leave, when Miss Maiton's mother insisted that we should stay to dinner. For myself I should be delighted, Mrs. Maiton, said I, but my nephews have hardly learned company manners yet. I'm afraid my sister wouldn't forgive me if she heard I had taken them out to dinner. Oh, I'll take care of the little dears, said Miss Maiton. They'll be good with me, I know. I couldn't be so unkind as to let you try it, Miss Maiton, I replied, but she insisted, and the pleasure of submitting to her will is so great that I would have risked even greater mischief. So Miss Maiton sat down to dinner with Budge upon one side and Tadi on the other, while I was forcibly placed opposite, from which position I could indulge in warning winks and frowns. The soup was served. I signaled the boys to tuck their napkins under their chins, and then turned to speak to the lady on my right. She politely inclined her head toward me, but her thoughts seemed elsewhere. Following her eyes I beheld my youngest nephew with his plate upraised in both hands, his head on the tablecloth, and his eyes turned painfully upward. I dared not speak for fear he would drop the plate. Suddenly he withdrew his head, put on an angelic smile, tilted his plate so part of its contents sought refuge in the fold of Miss Maiton's dainty, snowy dress, while the offender screamed, "'Oh, wee, ya turtle on my peat! Budge, ya turtle on my peat!' Budge was about to raise the plate when he caught my eye, and desisted. Poor Miss Maiton actually looked discomposed for the first time in her life so far as I knew or could imagine. She recovered quickly, however, and treated that wretched boy with the most Christian forbearance and consideration during the remainder of the meal. When the dessert was finished, she quickly excused herself, while I removed Toddy to a secluded corner of the piazza, and favoured him with a lecture which caused him to howl pitifully, and compelled me to caress him and undo all the good which my rebukes had done. Then he and Budge removed themselves to the lawn, while I awaited Miss Maiton's reappearance to offer an apology for Toddy and to make our adieu's. It was the custom of the ladies at Mrs. Clarkson's to stroll about the lovely rural walks after dinner and until twilight, and on this particular evening they departed in twos and threes, leaving me to make my apology without witnesses. I was rather sorry they went. It was not pleasant to feel that I was principally responsible for my nephew's blunder, and to have no opportunity to allay my conscience pangs by conversation. It seemed to me Miss Maiton was forever in appearing. I even called up my nephew's to have someone to talk to. Suddenly she appeared, and in an instant I fervently blessed Toddy and the soup which the child had sent upon its aimless wanderings. I would rather pay the price of a fine dress than try to describe Miss Maiton's attire. I can only say that in style, color, and ornament it became her perfectly, and set off the beauties of a face which I had never before thought was more than pleasing and intelligent. Perhaps the anger which was excusable after Toddy's graceless caper had something to do with putting unusual color into her cheeks, and a brighter sparkle than usual in her eyes. Whatever was the cause, she looked queenly, and I half imagined that I detected in her face a gleam of satisfaction at the involuntary start which her unexpected appearance caused me to make. She accepted my apology for Toddy with queenly graciousness, and then instead of proposing that we should follow the other ladies as a moment before I had hoped she would, she dropped into a chair. I accepted the invitation. The children should have been in bed half an hour before, but my sense of responsibility had departed when Miss Maiton appeared. The little scamps were safe until they should perform some new and unexpected act of impishness. They retired to one end of the piazza and busied themselves in experiments upon the large Newfoundland dog, while I, the happiest man alive, talked to the glorious woman before me and enjoyed the spectacle of her radiant beauty. The twilight came and deepened, but imagination prevented the vision from fading. With the coming of the darkness and the starlight, our voices unconsciously dropped to lower tones, and her voice seemed purest music, and yet we said nothing which all the world might not have listened to without suspecting a secret. The ladies returned in little groups, but either out of womanly intuition or an answer to my unspoken but fervent prayers, passed us and went into the house. I was affected by an odd mixture of desperate courage and despicable cowardice. I determined to tell her all, yet I shrank from the task with more terror than ever befell me in the first steps of a charge. Suddenly a small shadow came from behind us and stood between us, and the voice of budge remarked, Uncle Harry suspects you, Miss Maiton. Suspects me? Of what prey? exclaimed the lady, patting my nephew's cheek. Budge, said I. I feel that my voice rose nearly to a scream. Budge, I must beg of you to respect the sanctity of confidential communications. What is it, Budge? persisted Miss Maiton. You know the old adage, Mr. Burton. Children and fools speak the truth. Of what does he suspect me, Budge? Taint suspect at all, said Budge. It's aspect. Expect, echoed Miss Maiton. No, not ex, it's aspect. I know all about it, cause I ask him. Aspect is what folks do when they think you're nice and like to talk to you. And respect is what the boy is trying to say, Miss Maiton. I interrupted to prevent what I feared might follow. Budge has a terrifying faculty for asking questions, and the result of some of them this morning was my endeavor to explain to him the nature of the respect in which gentlemen hold ladies. Yes, continued Budge, I know all about it. Only Uncle Harry don't say it right. What he calls aspect, I calls love. End of section six, read by Kara Schellenberg on January 25th, 2008 in San Diego, California. Helen's Babies, part seven. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Helen's Babies by John Haberton, part seven. There was an awkward pause. It seemed an age, another blunder and all on account of those dreadful children. I could think of no possible way to turn the conversation. Stranger yet, Miss Maiton could not do so either. Something must be done. I could at least be honest, come what would. I would be honest. Miss Maiton said I hastily, earnestly, but in a very low tone. Budge is a marplot, but he is a truthful interpreter for all that. But whatever my fate may be, please do not suspect me of falling suddenly into love for a holiday's diversion. My malady is of some month standing. I, I want to talk some, observed Budge. You talk all the whole time. I, I, when I loves anybody, I kisses them. Miss Maiton gave a little start and my thoughts followed each other with unimagined rapidity. She did not turn the conversation. It could not be possible that she could not. She was not angry or she would have expressed herself. Could it be that I bent over her and acted upon Budge's suggestion? As she displayed no resentment, I pressed my lips a second time to her forehead. Then she raised her head slightly and I saw, in spite of darkness and shadows, that Alice Maiton had surrendered at discretion. Taking her hand and straightening myself to my full height, I offered to the Lord more fervent thanks than ever he heard from me in church. Then I heard Budge say, I want to kiss you too, and I saw my glorious Alice snatch the little scamp into her arms and treat him with more affection than I ever imagined was in her nature. Then she seized to Adi and gave him a few tokens of forgiveness. I dare not think they were of gratitude. Suddenly two or three ladies came upon the piazza. Come, boys, said I, then I'll call with the carriage tomorrow at three, Miss Maiton, good evening. Good evening, replied the sweetest voice in the world. I'll be ready at three. Budge, said I, as soon as we were fairly outside the hedge gate, what do you like better than anything else in the world? Candy, said Budge, very promptly. What next? Oranges. What next? Oh, figs and raisins and dear little kitty-kitties and drums and picture books and little bacon dishes to make mud pies in and turtles and little wheelbarrows. Anything else? Oh yes, great big black dogs and a goat and a wagon for him to draw me in. Very well, old fellow, you shall have every one of those things tomorrow. Oh, exclaimed Budge, I guess you're something like the Lord, ain't you? What makes you think so, Budge? Oh, cause you can do such lots of things at once, but ain't poor little Todd gonna have nothing? Yes, everything he wants. What would you like, Toddie? Wants a candy cigar, replied Toddie. What else? Don't want nothing else, don't want to be bothered with lots of things. The thoughts which were mine that night, the sense of how glorious a thing it is to be a man and to be loved, the humility that comes with such a victory as I had gained, the rapid alternation of happy thoughts and noble resolutions. What man is there who does not know my whole story better than I can tell it? When I put my nephews to bed, I told them every story they asked for and when Budge, in saying his prayer, said, and bless that nice lady that Uncle Harry expects, I interrupted his devotions with a hearty hug. The children had been awake so far beyond their usual hour for retiring that they dropped asleep without giving any special notice of their intention to do so. Asleep, their faces were simply angelic. As I stood, candle in hand, gazing gratefully upon them, I remembered a sadly neglected duty. I hurried to the library and wrote the following to my sister. Hillcrest, Monday night. Dear Helen, I should have written you before had I been exactly certain what to say about your boys. I confess that until now I have been blind to some of their virtues and have imagined I detected an occasional fault, but the scales have fallen from my eyes and I see clearly that my nephews are angels, positively angels. If I seem to speak extravagantly, I beg to refer you to Alice Maiton for collateral evidence. Don't come home at all. Everything is just as it should be. Even if you come, I guess I'll invite myself to spend the rest of the summer with you. I've changed my mind about its being a bore till I have out of town and take trains back and forth every day. Ask Tom to think over such bits of real estate in your neighborhood as he imagines I might like. I repeat it. The boys are angels and Alice Maiton is another, while the happiest man in the white goods trade is your affectionate brother, Harry. Early next morning I sought the society of my nephews. It was absolutely necessary that I should overflow to someone, someone who was sympathetic and innocent and pure. I longed for my sister, my mother, but to someone I must talk at once. Budge fulfilled my requirements exactly. He was an excellent listener, very sympathetic by nature, and quick to respond. Not the wisdom of the most reverent sage alive could have been so grateful to my ear as that child's prattle was on that delightful morning. As for Toddy, blessed be the law of compensation, his faculty of repetition and of echoing whatever he heard said caused him to murmur, Miff Maiton, Miff Maiton, all morning long, and the sound gained in sweetness by its ceaseless iteration. To be sure, Budge took early and frequent occasions to remind me of my promises of the night before, and Toddy occasionally demanded the promised candy cigar, but these very interruptions only added joy to my own topic of interest each time it was resumed. The filling of Budge's orders occupied two or three hours, and all the vacant space in the carriage, even then the goat and goat carriage were compelled to follow behind. The program for the afternoon was arranged to the satisfaction of everyone. I gave the coachman, Mike, a dollar to harness the goat and teach the children to drive him. This left me free to drive off without being followed by two small figures and two pitiful howls. I always believed a horse was infected by the spirit of his driver. My dear old four-footed military companions always seemed to perfectly comprehend my desires and intentions, and certainly my brother-in-law's horses entered into my own spirits on this particular afternoon. They stepped proudly, they arched their powerful necks handsomely, their feet seemed barely to touch the ground, yet they did not grow restive under the bit, nor were they frightened even at a hideous steam road-rolling machine which passed us. As I drove up to Mrs. Clarkson's door, I found that most of the boarders were on the piazza. The memories of ladies are usually good at times. Alice immediately appeared, composed, of course, but more radiant than ever. Why, where are the boys? she exclaimed. I was afraid they might annoy your mother, I replied, so I left them behind. Oh, mother hardly feels well enough to go to-day, said she, she is lying down. Then we can pick up the boys on the road, said I, for which remark my enchantress, already descending the steps, gave me a look which the ladies behind her would have given their best switches to have seen. We drove off as decorously as if it were Sunday, and we were driving to church. We industriously pointed out to each other every handsome garden and tasteful residence we passed. We met other people driving and conversed fluently upon their horses, carriages, and dress. But when we reached the edge of the town, and I turned into Happy Valley, a road following the depressions and curves of a long, well-wooded valley, in which there was not a single straight line, I turned and looked into my darling's face. Her eyes met mine, and although they were full of a happiness which I had never seen in them before, they filled with tears, and their dear owner dropped her head on my shoulder. What we said on that long drive would not interest the reader. I have learned by experience to skip all love talks and novels, no matter how delightful the lovers may be. Recalling now our conversation, it does not seem to me to have had anything wonderful in it. I will only say that if I had been happy on the evening before, my happiness now seemed to be sanctified, to be favored with the love and confidence of a simple girl scarcely past her childhood is to receive a greater honor than court or field can bestow. But even this honor is far surpassed by that which comes to a man when a woman of rare intelligence, tact and knowledge of society and the world, unburdens her heart of all its hopes and fears, and unhesitatingly leaves her destiny to be shaped by his love. Women like Alice Maiton do not thus give themselves unreservedly away, except when their trust is born of knowledge as well as affection, and the realization of all this changed me on that afternoon from whatever I had been into what I had long hoped I might one day be. But the hours flew rapidly and I reluctantly turned the horse's heads homeward. We had left almost the whole of happy valley behind us and were approaching residences again. Now we must be very proper, said Alice. Certainly, I replied, here's a good-bye to happy nonsense for this afternoon. I leaned toward her and gently placed one arm about her neck. She raised her dear face from which joy and trust had banished every indication of caution and reserve. My lips sought hers when suddenly we heard a most unearthly, discordant shriek which presently separated into two, each of which prolonged itself indefinitely. The horses started and Alice, blessed be all frights now, henceforth and for evermore, clung tightly to me. The sounds seemed to be approaching us and were accompanied by a lively rattling noise that seemed to be made by something wooden. Suddenly as we approached a bend of the road, I saw my youngest nephew appear from some unknown space, describe a parabolic curve in the air, ricochet slightly from an earthy protuberance in the road and make a final stop in the gutter. At the same time there appeared from behind the bend the goat, then the carriage dragging on one side and lastly the boy budge, grasping tightly the back of the carriage body and howling frightfully. A direct collision between the carriage and a stone caused budge to loose his hold while the goat, after taking in the scene, trotted leisurely off and disappeared in a road leading to the house of his late owner. Budge, I shouted, stopped that bawling and come here, where's Mike? He boo-hoo went to, hoo, light his, hoo-hoo-hoo pipe and I just let the boo-hoo-hoo whip go against the goat and then he's scat-ooed. Nasty old goat, scat-ooed, said Tadi in corroboration. Well, walk right home and tell Maggie to wash and dress you, said I. Oh, Harry, pleaded Alice, after they've been in such danger. Come here to your own Aunt Alice, budgie dear and you too, Tadi. You know, you said we could pick the boys up on the road, Harry. There, there, don't cry. Let me wipe the ugly old dirt off you and kiss the face and make it well. Alice, I protested, don't let those dirty boys clamber all over you in that way. Silence, sir, said she with mock dignity. Who gave me my lover I should like to ask? So we drove up to the boarding-house with the air of people who had been devoting themselves to a couple of very disreputable children and I drove swiftly away again lest the children should dispel the illusion. We soon met Mike, running. The moment he recognized us, he shouted, I hear little divils big in your pardon, Master Harry, and thank in the holy mither that they're good for nothing little bones ain't broke to bits. As they saw hippopotamus hitched to Pharaoh's chariot, they'd think themselves just the bias to take the bossen of it, the spalpeens. But no number of ordinary hippopotami and chariots could have disturbed the heavenly tranquility of my mind on this most glorious of evenings. Even a subtle sense of the fitness of things seemed to overshadow my nephews. Perhaps the touch of my enchantress did it. Perhaps it came only from the natural relapse from great excitement, but no matter what the reason was, the fact remains that for the rest of the evening two very dirty suits of clothes held to children who gave one some idea of how the denizens of paradise might seem and act. They even ate their suppers without indulging in any of the repulsive ways of which they had so large an assortment, and they did not surreptitiously remove from the table any fragments of bread and butter to leave on the piano, in the card basket, and other places inappropriate to the reception of such varieties of abandoned property. They demanded a song after supper, but when I sang, Drink to me only with thine eyes, And thou thou rainst in this bosom, They stood by with silent tongues and appreciative eyes. When they went to bed, I accompanied them by special invitation, but they showed no disposition to engage in the usual bedtime frolic and miniature pandemonium. Budge, when in bed, closed his eyes, folded his hand and prayed, Dear Lord, bless Papa and Mama and Toddy and Uncle Harry and everybody else. Yes, and bless just lots that lovely, lovely lady that comforted me after the goat was bad to me, and let her comfort me lots of times for Christ's sake, amen. And Toddy wriggled, twisted, breathed heavily through his head back and prayed, Dear Lord, don't let that old goat throw me into the gutter on my head again, and let Uncle Howie and Zippity Lady be there next time I'd had started. Then the good night salutations were exchanged, and I left the little darlings and enjoyed communion with my own thoughts, which were as peaceful and ecstatic as if the world contained no white goods houses, no doubtful customers, no business competition, no politics, gold rooms, stockboards, doubtful banks, political scandals, personal iniquity, nor anything which should prevent a short vacation from lasting through a long lifetime. End of section seven, read by Kara Schellenberg on January 25th, 2008 in San Diego, California. Helen's Babies, part eight. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. This reading by Kara Schellenberg. Helen's Babies by John Haberton, part eight. The next morning would have struck terror to the heart of any one, but a newly accepted lover. Rain was falling fast, and in that steady, industrious manner which seemed to assert an intention to stick closely to business for the whole day. The sky was covered by one impenetrable leaden cloud. Water stood in pools in the streets, which were soft with dust a few hours before. The flowers all hung their heads like vagabonds who had been awake all night and were ashamed to face the daylight. Even the chickens stood about in dejected attitudes and stray roosters from other poultry yards found refuge in Tom's Coupe without first being subjected to a trial of strength and skill by Tom's Gamecock. But no man in my condition of mind could be easily depressed by bad weather. I would rather have been able to drive about under a clear sky or lounge under the trees or walk to the post office in the afternoon by the road which passed directly in front of Mrs. Clarkson's boarding-house. But man should not live for himself alone. In the room next mine were slumbering to we people to whom I owed a great deal, who would mourn bitterly when they saw the condition of the skies and ground. I would devote myself to the task of making them so happy that they would forget the absence of sunshine out of doors. I would sit by their bedside and have a story ready for them the moment they awoke and put them in such a good humor that they could laugh with me at cloud and rain. I began at once to construct a story for their special benefit. The scene was to be a country residence on a rainy day and the actors, two little boys who should become uproariously jolly in spite of the weather. Like most people not used to story making my progress was not very rapid. In fact, I had got no farther than the plot indicated above when an angry snarl came from the children's room. What's the matter, budge? I shouted, dressing myself as rapidly as possible. Oh, young, oh, mwa ga! Was the somewhat complicated response. What did you say, budge? Didn't say nothing. Oh, that's what I thought. Didn't thought. Budge, budge, be good. Don't want to be good. Yah! Let's have some fun, budge. Don't you want to frolic? No, I don't think frolic is nice. Don't you want some candy, budge? No, you ain't got no candy, I believe. Well, you shan't have any if you don't stop being so cross. The only reply to this was a mighty and audible rustling of the bedding in the boy's room followed by a sound strongly resembling that caused by a slap. Then came a prolonged wail, resembling that of an ungreased wagonwheel. What's the matter, toddy? Budge slapped me. Ah! What made you slap your brother, budge? I didn't. You did, screamed toddy. I tell you I didn't. You're a naughty bad boy to tell such lies, toddy. What did you do, budge? I asked. Why, why? I was, I was turning over in bed and my hand was out and it tumbled against to toddy. That's what? By this time I was dressed and in the boy's room. Both my nephews were sitting up in bed, budge looking as sullen as an old jailbird and toddy with tears streaming all over his face. Boys said, I don't be angry with each other. It isn't right. What do you suppose the Lord thinks when he sees you so cross to each other? He don't think nothing, said budge. You don't think he can look through a black sky like that, do you? He can look anywhere, budge, and he feels very unhappy when he sees little brothers angry with each other. Well, I feel unhappy too. I wish there wasn't never no rain or nothing. Then what would the plants and flowers do for a drink? And where would the rivers come from for you to go sailing on? I want to make mud pies, added toddy. Use a naughty boy, budge. And here toddy's tears began to flow afresh. I ain't a bad boy and I don't want no old rain know-how and that's all about it. And I don't want to get up and Maggie must bring me up my breakfast in bed. Oh, wept toddy, wants my brepps pup in bed too. Boys said, I now listen. You can't have any breakfast at all unless you are up and dressed by the time the bell rings. The rising bell rang some time ago. Now dress like good boys and you shall have some breakfast and then you'll feel a great deal nicer and then Uncle Harry will play with you and tell you stories all day long. Budge crept reluctantly out of bed and caught up one of his stockings while toddy again began to cry. Toddy, I shouted, stop that dreadful racket and dress yourself. What are you crying for? Well, I feel bad. Well, dress yourself and you'll feel better. Want you to dress me? Bring me your clothes then, quick. Again the tears flowed copiously. Don't want to bring them, said toddy. Then come here, I shouted, dragging him across the room and snatching up his tiny articles of apparel. I had dressed no small children since I was rather a small boy myself and toddy's clothing confused me somewhat. I finally got something on him when a contemptuous laugh from Budge interrupted me. How are you gonna put his shirt on under them things? queried my oldest nephew. Budge, I retorted, how are you going to get any breakfast if you don't put on something besides that stocking? The young man's countenance fell and just then the breakfast bell rang. Budge raised a blank face, hurried to the head of the stairs and shouted, Maggie, what is it, Budge? Was that the rising bell or the breakfast bell? It was the breakfast bell. There was dead silence for a moment and then Budge shouted, well, we'll call that the rising bell. You can ring another bell for breakfast pretty soon when I get dressed. Then this volunteer adjuster of household affairs came calmly back and commenced dressing in good earnest while I labored along with toddy's wardrobe. Where's the buttonhook, Budge, said I. It's, I, oh, I put it. Say, Todd, what did you do with the buttonhook yesterday? Didn't have no buttonhook, asserted toddy. Yes, you did, don't you remember how he was playing draw teeth and the doctor's dog had the toothache and I was pulling his teeth with the buttonhook and you was my little boy and I give the tooth puller to you to hold for me? Where did you put it? I didn't know, replied toddy, putting his hand in his pocket and bringing out a sickly looking toad. Feel again, said I, throwing the toad out the window where it was followed by an agonizing shriek from toddy. Again he felt and his search was rewarded by the tension screw of Helen's sewing machine. Then I attempted some research myself and speedily found my fingers adhering to something of a sticky consistency. I quickly withdrew my hand, exclaiming, what nasty stuff have you got in your pocket toddy? Tate, nasty stuff, it's bread and yasses and it's nice and budging me has little tea parties in the kitchen coop and we eats it and it's dobly. All this was lucid and disgusting but utterly unproductive of buttonhooks and meanwhile the breakfast was growing cold. I succeeded in buttoning toddy's shoes with my fingers splitting most of my nails in the operation. I had been too busily engaged with toddy to pay any attention to budge who I now found about half dressed and trying to catch flies on the window pane. Snatching toddy I started for the dining room when budge remarked reprovingly, Uncle Harry, you wasn't dressed when the bell rang and you wanted to have any breakfast. True enough, I was minus collar, cravat and coat. Hurrying these on and starting again, I was once more arrested. Uncle Harry, must I brush my teeth this morning? No, hurry up, come down without doing anything more if you like but come, it'll be dinner time before we get breakfast. Then that imp was moved for the first time that morning to something like good nature and he exclaimed with a giggle, my, what big stomachs we'd have when we got done wouldn't we? At the breakfast table toddy wept again because I insisted on beginning operations before budge came. Then neither boy knew exactly what he wanted. Then budge managed to upset the contents of his plate into his lap and while I was helping him clear away the debris, toddy improved the opportunity to pour his milk upon his fish and put several spoonfuls of oatmeal porridge into my coffee cup. I made an early excuse to leave the table and turn the children over to Maggie. I felt as tired as if I had done a hard day's work and was somewhat appalled at realizing that the day had barely begun. I lit a cigar and sat down to Helen's piano. I am not a musician but even the cords of a hand organ would have seemed sweet music to me on that morning. The music book nearest to my hand was a church hymn book and the first air my eye struck was Greenville. I lived once in a town where on a single day a peddler disposed of 38 accordions each with an instruction book in which the same air under its original name was the only air. For years after a single bar of this air awakened the most melancholy reflections in my mind but now I forgave all my musical tormentors as the familiar strains came comfortingly from the piano keys. But suddenly I heard an accompaniment, a sort of reedy sound and looking around I saw toddy again in tears. I stopped abruptly and asked, what's the matter now toddy? Don't want that old tune, watch dance in tune so I can dance. I promptly played Yankee Doodle and toddy began to trot around the room with the expression of a man who intended to do his whole duty. Then Budge appeared, hugging a bound volume of St. Nicholas. The moment toddy aspired this he stopped dancing and devoted himself anew to the task of weeping. Toddy, I shouted, springing from the piano stool. What do you mean by crying at everything? I shall have to put you to bed again if you're going to be such a baby. That's the way he always does rainy days, explained Budge. Wants to see the whale, what follow Jonah? sobbed toddy. Can't you demand something that's within the range of possibility toddy? I mildly asked. The whale toddy means is in this big red book. I'll find it for you, said Budge, turning over the leaves. Suddenly a rejoicing squeal from toddy announced that Leviathan had been found and I hastened to gaze. He was certainly a dreadful-looking animal, but he had an enormous mouth which toddy caressed with his pudgy little hand and kissed with tenderness, murmuring as he did so. Dee, old whale, I love you. Is Jonah all gonded out of you tummy, quail? I fixed what we'll mean in Jonah to get foed up when you had nothing else to eat, poor old whale. Of course Jonah's gone, said Budge. He went to heaven long ago, pretty soon after he went to Nineveh and done what the Lord told him to do. Now swing us, Uncle Harry. The swing was on the piazza, undercover from the rain, so I obeyed. Both boys fought for the right to swing first and when I decided in favor of Budge, toddy went off weeping and declaring that he would look at his dear quail anyhow. A moment later, his whale changed to a piercing shriek and running to his assistance, I saw him holding one finger tenderly and trampling on a wasp. What's the matter, toddy? Oh wee, I putted my finger on a wasp and ooh, the nasty wasps, ooh, bite hit me and I don't like waspses a bit, but I likes whales, ooh wee. A happy thought struck me, why don't you boys make believe that big packing box in your playroom is a whale, said I. A compound shriek of delight followed the suggestion and both boys scrambled upstairs, leaving me a free man again. I looked remorsefully at the table full of books which I had brought to read and had not looked at for a week. Even now my remorse did not move me to open them. I found myself instead attracted toward Tom's library and conning the titles of novels and volumes of poems. My eye was caught by initial, a love story which I had always avoided because I had heard impressionable young ladies rave about it, but now I picked it up and dropped into an easy chair. Suddenly I heard Mike the Coachman shouting, go away from there, will ye, ye little spalpeen, it's good for you that your father don't see you perched up there, go away from that or I'll be telling your uncle. Don't care for nasty old uncle, piped Toddy's voice. I laid down my book with a sigh and went into the garden. Mike saw me and shouted, Mr. Burton, will ye look there, did ye's ever see the lycadot by? Looking up at the playroom window, a long, narrow sort of loophole in a gothic gable, I beheld my youngest nephew standing upright on the sill. Toddy, go in, quick, I shouted, hurrying under the window to catch him in case he fell outward. I can't, squealed Toddy. Mike, run upstairs and snatch him in. Toddy, go on, I tell you. Tell you, I can't, oh, in, repeated Toddy. Je bit botse, je whale, and I's Jonah and ze whales floed me up and I's Dr. Tay up here, else ze whale'll follow me again. I won't let him swallow you. Get in now, hurry, said I. Will you give him a penny, not to follow me no more? queried Toddy. Yes, a whole lot of pennies. All right, whale, don't you follow me no more and then my Ock and Howie give you whole lots of pennies. You must be wielded, whale, now, and then I buy you some candy with your pennies and. Just then two great hands seized Toddy's frock in front and he disappeared with a howl while I, with the first feeling of faintness I had ever experienced, went in search of hammer, nails, and some strips of board to nail on the outside of the window frame. But boards could not be found so I went up to the playroom and began to knock a piece or two off the box which had done duty as whale. A pitiful scream from Toddy caused me to stop. You're hurting my dear old whale, you's breaking his stomach all open, you's a baddie man, top hurting my whale. cried my nephew. I'm not hurting him, Toddy, said I, I'm making his mouth bigger so he can swallow you easier. A bright thought came into Toddy's face and shone through his tears. Then he can follow Budgie too and there'll be two Jonas, make his mouth so big he can follow Mike and then made it little again so Mike can get out, nasty old Mike. I explained that Mike would not come upstairs again so I was permitted to depart after securing the window. Again I settled myself with book and cigar. There was at least for me the extra enjoyment that comes from the sense of pleasure earned by honest toil. Pretty soon Budgie entered the room. I affected not to notice him but he was not in the least abashed by my neglect. Uncle Harry, said he, throwing himself in my lap between my book and me. I don't feel a bit nice. What's the matter old fellow, I asked. Until he spoke I could have boxed his ears with great satisfaction to myself but there's so much genuine feeling in whatever Budge says that he commands respect. Oh I'm tired of playing with Toddy and I feel lonesome, won't you tell me a story? Then what'll poor Toddy do Budge? Oh he won't mind, he's got a dead mouse to be Jonah now so I don't have no fun at all. Won't you tell me a story? Which one? Tell me one that I never heard before at all. Well let's see, I guess I'll tell. Ah he sounded a far off but fatefully. It came nearer, it came down the stairway and into the library accompanied by Toddy who, unspying me, dropped his inarticulate utterance held up both hands and exclaimed, Jonah, bulky tail. True enough, in one hand, Toddy held the body of a mouse and in the other that animals caudal appendage. There was also perceptible though not by the sense of sight an objectionable odor in the room. Toddy said I go throw Jonah into the chicken coop and I'll give you some candy. Me too shouted Budge cause I found the mouse for him. I made both boys happy with candy, exacted a pledge not to go out in the rain and then, turning them loose on the Piazza, returned to my book. I had read perhaps half a dozen pages when there arose and swelled rapidly in volume a scream from Toddy. Madly determined to put both boys into chairs, tie them and clap adhesive plaster over their mouths. I rushed out upon the Piazza. Budge tried to eat my candy, complained Toddy. I didn't, said Budge. What did you do? I demanded. I didn't bite it at all. I only wanted to see how it would feel between my teeth. That's all. I felt the corners of my mouth breaking down and hurried back to the library where I spent a quiet quarter of an hour in pondering over the demoralizing influence exerted upon principle by a sense of the ludicrous. For some time afterward the boys got along without doing anything worse than make a dreadful noise which caused me to resolve to find some method of deadening Piazza floors if I ever owned a house in the country. In the occasional intervals of comparative quiet I caught snatches of very funny conversation. The boys had coined a great many words whose meaning was evident enough, but I wonder greatly why Tom and Helen had never taught them the proper substitutes. Among others was the word deader, whose meaning I could not imagine. Budge shouted, oh, Todd, there comes a deader. See where all them things like rooster's tails are a-shakin'? Well, there's a deader under them. That's funny, remarked Toddy. And see all the peoples that come and along, continued Budge, they know about the deader and they're gonna see it fixed. Here it comes, hello deader. Hey-oh deader, echoed Toddy. What could deader mean? Oh, here it is right in front of us, cried Budge, and ain't there lots of people and two horses to pull the deader? Some deaders has only one. My curiosity was too much for my weariness. I went to the front window and peering through saw a funeral procession. In a second I was on the piazza with my hands on the children's collars. A second later, two small boys were on the floor of the hall. The front door was closed and two determined hands covered two threatening little mouths. End of part eight, read by Kara Schellenberg on January 30th, 2008, in San Diego, California. Helen's Babies, part nine. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. This reading by Kara Schellenberg. Helen's Babies by John Haberton, part nine. When the procession had fairly passed the house, I released the boys and heard two prolonged howls for my pains. Then I asked Budge if he wasn't ashamed to talk that way when a funeral was passing. "'Twasn't a funeral,' said he, "'twas only a deader, and deaders can't hear nothin'. "'But the people in the carriages could,' said I. "'Well,' said he, "'they was so glad that the other part of the deader "'had gone to heaven that they didn't care what I said. "'Everybody's glad when the other parts of deaders "'go to heaven. "'Papa told me to be glad "'that dear little Philly was in heaven, and I was. "'But I do want to see him again awful.' "'Want to she Philly again awful,' said Toddy, "'as I kissed Budge and hurried off to the library, "'unfit just then to administer "'farther instruction or reproof.' "'Of one thing, I was very certain. "'I wished the rain would cease falling "'so the children could go out of doors, "'and I could get a little rest "'and freedom from responsibility. "'But the skies showed no signs of being emptied. "'The boys were snarling on the stairway, "'and I was losing my temper quite rapidly. "'Suddenly I bethought me of one of the delights "'of my own childish days, the making of scrapbooks. "'One of Tom's library drawers "'held a great many ladies' journals. "'Of course Helen meant to have them bound, "'but I could easily repurchase the numbers for her. "'They would cost two or three dollars, "'but peace was cheap at that price. "'On a high shelf in the playroom, "'I had seen some supplementary volumes "'of mercantile agency reports, "'which would in time reach the rag-bag. "'There was a bottle of mucilage in the library desk, "'and the children owned an old pair of scissors. "'Within five minutes I had located "'two happy children on the bathroom floor, "'taught them to cut out pictures, "'which Operation I quickly found "'they understood as well as I did, "'and to paste them into the extemporized scrapbook. "'Then I left them, "'recalling something from Newman Hall's address "'on the dignity of labour. "'Why hadn't I thought before of showing my nephews "'some way of occupying their mind and hands? "'Who could blame the helpless little things "'for following every prompting of their unguided minds? "'Had I not a hundred times been told, "'when sent to the wood-pile "'or the weediest part of the garden "'in my youthful days, that Satan finds "'some mischief still for idle hands to do? "'Never again would I blame children "'for being mischievous when their minds were neglected. "'I spent a peaceful pleasant hour over my novel "'when I felt that a fresh cigar would be acceptable. "'Going upstairs in search of one, "'I found that budge had filled the bathtub with water "'and was sailing boats, that is, hairbrushes. "'Even this seemed too mild an offence "'to call for a rebuke, "'so I passed on without disturbing him, "'and went to my own room. "'I heard Toddie's voice, "'and having heard from my sister "'that Toddie's conversations with himself "'were worth listening to, "'I paused outside the door. "'I heard Toddie softly murmur, "'Zare, pity 80, t'zare. "'Now, little boy, I put you with your mutter, "'toss mutters like their little boys with them. "'And you shall have little sister "'tutter side of you there. "'Now, little boys and little girls' mutter, "'don't you feel happy? "'Isn't I awful good to give you your little children's? "'You ought to say, thank you, Toddie. "'Use a nice, sweet little gentleman.' "'I peered cautiously, "'then I entered the room hastily. "'I didn't say anything for a moment, "'for it was impossible to do justice, "'impromptu to the subject. "'Toddy had a progressive mind. "'If pictorial ornamentation was good for old books, "'why should not similar ornamentation "'be extended to objects more likely to be seen?' "'Such may not have been Toddie's line of thought, "'but his recent operations warranted such a supposition. "'He had cut out a number of pictures "'and pasted them upon the wall of my room, "'my sister's darling room, "'with its walls tinted exquisitely in pink. "'As a member of a hanging committee, "'Toddy would hardly have satisfied taller people, "'but he had arranged the pictures quite regularly "'at about the height of his own eyes, "'had favoured no one artist more than another, "'and had hung indiscriminately figure-pieces, "'landscapes, and genre pictures. "'The temporary break of wall-line "'occasioned by the door communicating with his own room, "'he had overcome by closing the door "'and carrying a line of pictures across its lower panels. "'Occasionally a picture fell off the wall, "'but the mucilage remained faithful "'and glistened with its fervour of devotion. "'And yet so untouched was I by this artistic display "'that when I found strength to shout, "'Toddy!' "'It was in a tone which caused this industrious "'amateur decorator to start violently "'and drop his mucilage bottle, open end first, "'upon the carpet.' "'What will mama say?' I asked. "'Toddy gazed, first blankly, "'and then inquiringly into my face. "'Finding no answer or sympathy there, "'he burst into tears and replied, "'I don't know.' "'The ringing of the lunch-bell changed "'Toddy from a tearful cherub into a very practical, "'business-like boy, and shouting, "'Come on, budge!' he hurried downstairs. "'While I tormented myself with wonder "'as to how I could best and most quickly "'undo the mischief Toddy had done. "'I will concede to my nephews the credit "'of keeping reasonably quiet during meals. "'Their tongues doubtless longed to be active "'in both the principal capacities "'of those useful members, "'but they had no doubt as to how to choose "'between silence and hunger. "'The result was a reasonably comfortable half-hour. "'Just as I began to cut a melon, "'budge broke the silence by exclaiming, "'Oh, Uncle Harry, we haven't been out "'to see the goat today.' "'Budge,' I replied, "'I'll carry you out there under an umbrella after lunch, "'and you may play with that goat all the afternoon, "'if you like.' "'Oh, won't that be nice?' exclaimed budge. "'The poor goat. "'He'll think I don't love him a bit, "'cause I haven't been to see him today. "'Does goats go to heaven when they die, Uncle Harry?' "'Guess not. "'They'd make trouble in the Golden Streets, I'm afraid.' "'Oh, dear, then Philly can't see my goat. "'I'm so awful, sorry,' said budge. "'I can see your goat, budgie,' suggested Toddy. "'Huh,' said budge, very contemptuously. "'You ain't dead.' "'Well, I's going to be dead someday, "'and then your nasty old goat shant see me a bit. "'See how he likes that.' "'And Toddy made a ferocious attack "'on a slice of melon nearly as large as himself. "'After lunch, Toddy was sent to his room "'to take his afternoon nap, "'and budge went to the barn on my shoulders. "'I gave Mike a dollar, with instructions to keep budge in sight, "'to keep him from teasing the goat, "'and to prevent his being impaled or butted. "'Then I stretched myself on a lounge "'and wondered whether only half a day of daylight had elapsed, "'since I, and the most adorable woman in the world, "'had been so happy together. "'How much happier I would be when next I met her! "'The very torments of this rainy day "'would make my joy seem all the dearer and more intense. "'I dreamed happily for a few moments with my eyes open, "'and then somehow they closed without my knowledge. "'What put into my mind the wreck scene "'from the play of David Copperfield I don't know? "'But there it came, and in my dream "'I was sitting in the balcony at Booth's, "'and taking a proper interest in the scene, "'when it occurred to me that the thunder "'had less of reverberation and more woodenness "'than good stage thunder should have. "'The mental exertion I underwent on this subject "'disturbed the course of my nap, "'but as wakefulness returned, "'the sound of the poorly simulated thunder did not cease. "'On the contrary, it was just as noisy "'and more hopelessly a counterfeit than ever. "'What could the sound be? "'I stepped through the window to the piazza, "'and the sound was directly over my head. "'I sprang down the terrace and out upon the lawn, "'looked up, and beheld my youngest nephew strutting "'back and forth on the tin roof of the piazza, "'holding over his head a ragged old parasol. "'I roared, go in, Toddy, this instant.' "'The sound of my voice startled the young man, "'so severely that he lost his footing, "'fell, and began to roll toward the edge "'and to scream, both operations being performed "'with great rapidity. "'I ran to catch him as he fell, "'but the outer edge of the water trough "'was high enough to arrest his progress, "'though it had no effect in reducing "'the volume of his howls. "'Toddy,' I shouted, "'lie perfectly still until uncle can get to you, "'do you hear?' "'Yes, but don't want to lie till,' came in reply "'from the roof, "'tent she nothing but sky and rain. "'Lie still,' I reiterated, "'or I'll whip you dreadfully. "'Then I dashed upstairs, removed my shoes, "'climbed out, and rescued Toddy, "'shook him soundly, and then shook myself. "'I was only just pia in mama, "'and walkin' in giane with an umbayala,' Toddy explained. "'I threw him upon his bed and departed. "'It was plain that neither logic, threats, "'nor the presence of danger could keep "'this dreadful child from doing whatever he chose. "'What other means of restraint could be employed? "'Although not as religious a man as my good mother could wish, "'I really wondered whether prayer, "'as a last resort, might not be effective. "'For his good and my own peace "'I would cheerfully have read through the whole prayer book. "'I could hardly have done it just then, though, "'for Mike solicited an audience at the back door, "'and reported that Budge had given the carriage "'sponge to the goat, "'put handfuls of oats into the pump cylinder, "'hold hairs out of the black mare's tail, "'and with a sharp nail drawn pictures "'on the enamel of the carriage body.' "'Budge made no denial, but looked very much aggrieved, "'and remarked that he couldn't never be happy "'without somebody having to go get bothered, "'and he wished there wasn't nobody in the world "'but organ grinders and candy-store men. "'He followed me into the house, "'flung himself into a chair, "'put on a look which I imagine Byron wore "'before he was old enough to be malicious, "'and exclaimed, "'I don't see what little boys was made for anyhow "'if everybody gets cross with them "'and don't let them do what they want to. "'I'll bet when I get to heaven "'the Lord won't be as ugly to me as Mike is, "'and some other folks too. "'I wish I could die and be buried right away, "'me and the goat, "'and go to heaven where we wouldn't be scolded.'" Poor little fellow. First I laughed inwardly at his idea of heaven, and then I wondered whether my own was very different from it, or any more creditable. I had no time to spend even in pious reflection, however. Budge was quite wet, his shoes were soaking, and he already had an attack of Qatar, so I took him to his room and redressed him, wondering all the while how much similar duties my own father had had to do by me had shortened his life, and how, with such a son as I was, he lived as long as he did. The idea that I was in some slight degree atoning for my early sins so filled my thoughts that I did not at first notice the absence of Tadi. When it did become evident to me that my youngest nephew was not in the bed in which I had placed him, I went in search of him. He was in none of the chambers, but hearing gentle murmurs issue from a long light closet, I looked in and saw Tadi sitting on the floor and eating the cheese out of a mousetrap. A squeak of my boots betrayed me, and Tadi, equal to the emergency, sprang to his feet and exclaimed, I didn't hurt the little mouse he won bitty, I just let it him out and he runned it away. And still it rained. Oh, for a single hour of sunlight, so that the mud might be only damp dirt, and the children could play without tormenting other people. But it was not to be. Slowly and by the aid of songs, stories, and improvised menagerie, in which I personated every animal, besides playing ostrich and armandillo, and a great many disagreements, the afternoon wore to its close, and my heart slowly lightened. Only an hour or two more, and the children would be in bed for the night, and then I would enjoy, in unutterable measure, the peaceful hours which would be mine. Even now they were inclined to behave themselves, they were tired and hungry, and stretched themselves on the floor to await dinner. I embraced the opportunity to return to my book, but I had hardly read a page when a combined crash and scream summoned me to the dining-room. On the floor lay Toddy, a great many dishes, a roast leg of lamb, several ears of green corn, the butter dish and its contents and several other misplaced edibles. One thing was quite evident. The scalding contents of the gravy dish had been emptied on Toddy's arm, and how severely the poor child might be scalded, I did not know. I hastily slit open his sleeve from wrist to shoulder and found the skin very red. So remembering my mother's favorite treatment for scalds and burns, I quickly spread the contents of a dish of mashed potato on a clean handkerchief and wound the hole around Toddy's arm as a poultice. Then I demanded an explanation. I was only just reaching for a piece of bread, sobbed Toddy, and then the bad old table began to flow while its fings at me and tumbled down bang. He undoubtedly told the truth as far as he knew it, but reaching over tables is a bad habit in small boys, especially when their mothers cling to old-fashioned heirlooms of tables, which have folding leaves. So I banished Toddy to his room, supperless, to think of what he had done. With Budge alone I had a comfortable dinner off the salvage from the wreck caused by Toddy, and then I went upstairs to see if the offender had repented. It was hard to tell by sight whether he had or not, or his back was to me as he flattened his nose against the window, but I could see that my poultice was gone. Where is what uncle put on your arm, Toddy? I asked. I ate it up, said the truthful youth. Did you eat the handkerchief too? No, I flowed gnashed the old handkerchief out the window. I don't want dirty old handkerchiefs in my nice little room. I was so glad that his burn had been slight that I forgave the insult to my handkerchief, and called up Budge, so that I might at once get both boys into bed and emerge from the bondage in which I had lived all day long. But the task was no easy one. Of course my brother-in-law, Tom Lawrence, knows better than any other man the necessities of his own children, but no children of mine shall ever be taught so many methods of imposing upon parental good nature. Their program called for stories, songs, moral conversations, frolicks, the presentation of pennies, the dropping of the same at long intervals into tin savings banks, followed by a deafening shaking up of both banks. Then a prayer must be offered and no conventional one would be tolerated. Then the boys performed their own devotions, after which I was allowed to depart with an interchange of God bless yous. As this evening I left the room with their innocent benedictions sounding in my ears, a sense of personal weakness induced by the events of the day moved me to fervently respond, amen. End of part nine, read by Kara Schellenberg on January 30th, 2008, in San Diego, California. Helen's Babies, part 10. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Helen's Babies by John Haberton, part 10. Mothers of American boys, accept from me a tribute of respect which no words can fitly express of wonder greater than any of the great things of the world ever inspired, of adoration as earnest and devout as the Catholic pays to the Virgin. In a single day I, a strong man with nothing else to occupy my mind, am reduced to physical and mental worthlessness by the necessities of two boys not over mischievous or bad. And you, heaven only knows how, have unbroken weeks, months, years, yes, lifetimes of just such experiences and with them the burden of household cares, of physical ills and depressions, of mental anxieties that pierce your hearts with as many sorrows as grieved the holy mother of old. Compared with thy endurance, that of the young man, the athlete is as weakness. The secret of thy nerves, wonderful, even in their weakness, is as great as that of the power of the winds. To display decision, thy opportunities are more frequent than those of the greatest statesmen. Thy heroism laughs into insignificance, that of fort and field. Thou art trained in a school of diplomacy, such as the most experienced court cannot furnish. Do scoffers say, thou canst not hold the reins of government? Easier is it to rule a band of savages than to be the successful autocrat of thy little kingdom. Compared with the ways of men, even thy failures are full of glory. Be thy faults what they may, thy one great mysterious unapproachable success places thee, in dessert, far above warrior, rabbi, or priest. The foregoing soliloquy passed through my mind as I lay upon the bed where I had thrown myself after leaving the children's room. Whatever else attempted to affect me mentally found my mind a blank until the next morning. When I awoke to realize that I had dropped asleep just where I fell and that I had spent nearly 12 hours lying across a bed in an uncomfortable position and without removing my daily attire. My next impression was that quite a bulky letter had been pushed under my chamber door. Could it be that my darling, I hastily seized the envelope and found it addressed in my sister's writing and promising a more voluminous letter than that lady had ever before honored me with. I opened it, dropping an enclosure which doubtless was a list of necessities which I would please pack, et cetera, and read as follows. July 1st, 1875. My dear old brother, wouldn't I like to give you the warmest of sisterly hugs? I can't believe it, and yet I'm in ecstasies over it. To think that you should have got that perfection of a girl who has declined so many great catches, you, my sober, business-like, unromantic big brother. Oh, it's too wonderful. But now I think of it, you're just the people for each other. I'd like to say it's just what I'd always longed for and that I invited you to Hillcrest to bring it about, but the trouble with such a story would be that it wouldn't have a word of truth in it. You always did have a faculty of doing just what you pleased and what nobody ever expected you to do, but now you've exceeded yourself. And to think that my little darlings played an important part in bringing it all about. I shall take the credit for that, for if it hadn't been for me who would have helped you, sir. I shall expect you to remember both of them handsomely at Christmas. I don't believe I'm guilty of a breach of confidence in sending the enclosed, which I have just received from my sister-in-law, that is to be. It will tell you some causes of your success, of which you, with a man's conceit, haven't imagined for a minute, and it will tell you too of a maiden's first and natural fear under such circumstances, a fear which I know that you, with your honest, generous heart, will hasten to dispel. As you're a man, you're quite likely to be too stupid to read what's written between the lines, so I'd better tell you that Alice's fear is that in letting herself go so easily, she may have seemed to lack proper reserve and self-respect. You don't need to be told that no woman alive has more of these very qualities. Bless your dear old heart, Harry. You deserve to be shaken to death if you're not the happiest man alive. I must hurry home and see you both with my own eyes and learn to believe that all this wonderful, glorious thing has come to pass. Give Alice a sister's kiss for me, if you know how to give more than one kind, and give my cherubs a hundred each from the mother that wants to see them so much. With love and congratulations, Helen. The other letter, which I opened with considerable reverence and more delight, ran as follows. Hillcrest, June 29, 1875. Dear friend Helen, something has happened, and I am very happy, but I am more than a little troubled over it too, and as you are one of the persons nearly concerned, I am going to confess to you as soon as possible. Harry, your brother, I mean, will be sure to tell you very soon if he hasn't done so already, and I want to make all possible haste to solemnly assure you that I hadn't the slightest idea of such a thing coming to pass, and I didn't do the slightest thing to bring it about. I always thought your brother was a splendid fellow, and had never been afraid to express my mind about him when there was no one but girls to listen, but out here I've somehow learned to admire him more than ever. I cheerfully acquit him of intentionally doing anything to create a favorable impression. If his several appearances before me have been studied, he is certainly the most original being I ever heard of. Your children are angels. You've told me so yourself, and I've my own very distinct impression on the subject, but they don't study to save their uncle's appearance. The figures that unfortunate man has cut several times, well, I won't try to describe them on paper for fear he might someday see a scrap of it and take offense. But he always seems to be patient with them and devoted to them, and I haven't been able to keep from seeing that a man who could be so lovable with thoughtless and unreasonable children must be perfectly adorable to the woman he loved if she were a woman at all. Still, I hadn't the faintest idea that I would be the fortunate woman. At last, the day came, but I was in blissful ignorance of what was to happen. Your little Charlie hurt himself and insisted upon hair, your brother singing an odd song to him, and just when the young gentleman was doing the elegant to a dozen of us ladies at once, too. If you could have seen his face, it was too funny until he got over his annoyance and began to feel properly sorry for the little fellow. Then he seemed all at once to be all tenderness and heart, and I did wish for a moment that conventionalities didn't exist, and I might tell him that he was a model. Then your youngest playfully spilt a plate of soup on my dress, don't be worried, it was only a common muslin and twill-wash. Of course I had to change it, and as I retired the happy thought struck me that I'd make so elaborate a toilette that I wouldn't finish in time to join the other ladies for the usual evening walk. Consequence, I would have a chance to monopolize a gentleman for half an hour or more, a chance which, no thanks to the gentleman who don't come to Hillcrest, no lady here has had this season. Every time I peered through the blinds to see if the other girls had started, I could see him looking so distressed and brooding over those two children as if he was their mother, and he seemed so good. He seemed pleased to see me when I appeared, and coming from such a man, the implied compliment was fully appreciated. Everything he said to me seemed a little more worth hearing than if it had come from any man not so good. Then suddenly your eldest insisted on retailing the result of a conversation he had had with his uncle, and the upshot was that Harry declared himself. He wasn't romantic a bit, but he was real straightforward and manly, while I was so completely taken aback that I couldn't think of a thing to say. Then the impudent fellow kissed me and I lost my tongue worse than ever. If I had known anything of his feelings beforehand, I should have been prepared to behave more properly. But, oh Helen, I'm so glad I didn't know. I should be the happiest being that ever lived if I wasn't afraid that you and your husband might think that I had given myself away too hastily. As to other people, we will see that they don't know a word about it for months to come. Do write that I was not to blame and make believe except me as a sister, because I can't offer to give Harry up to anyone else you may have picked out for him. Your sincere friend, Alice Maiton. Was there ever so delightful a revelry? All the boyishness in me seemed suddenly to come to the surface and instead of saying and doing the decorous things which novelists heroes do under similar circumstances, I shouted hurrah and danced into the children's room so violently that budge sat up in bed and regarded me with reproving eyes while Toddy burst into a happy laugh and volunteered as a partner in the dance. Then I realized that the rain was over and the sun was shining. I could take Alice out for another drive and until then the children could take care of themselves. I remembered suddenly and with a sharp pang that my vacation was nearly at an end and I found myself consuming with impatience to know how much longer Alice would remain at Hillcrest. It would be cruel to wish her in the city before the end of August, yet I, Uncle Harry, said budge, my papa says it isn't nice for folks to sit down and go to thinking before they've brushed their hair mornings. That's what he tells me. I beg your pardon, budge, said I, springing up in some confusion. I was thinking over a matter of a great deal of importance. What was it, my goat? No, of course not, don't be silly, budge. Well, I think about him a good deal and I don't think it's silly a bit. I hope he'll go to heaven when he dies. Do angels have goat carriages, Uncle Harry? No old fellow they can go about without carriages. When I go to heaven, said Toddy, rising in bed, I was going to have lots of goat carriages and I was going to take all as the angels are widened. With many other bits of prophecy and celestial description I was regaled as I completed my toilette and I hurried out of doors for an opportunity to think without disturbance. Strolling past the henyard I saw a meditative turtle and picking him up and shouting to my nephews I held the reptile up for their inspection. Their window blinds flew open and a unanimous, though not exactly harmonious, oh, greeted my prize. Where did you get it, Uncle Harry? Asked budge. Down by the hencoupe. Budge's eyes opened wide. He seemed to devote a moment to profound thought and then he exclaimed, Why, I don't see how hens could lay such a big thing. Just put him in your hat till I come down, will you? I dropped the turtle in Budge's wheelbarrow and made a tour of the flower borders. The flowers, always full of suggestion to me, seemed suddenly to have new charms and powers. They actually impelled me to try to make rhymes. Me, a steady white goods salesman. The impulse was too strong to be resisted, though I must admit that the results were pitifully meager. As radiant as that matchless rose, which poet-artists fancy, as fair as whitest lily-blows, as modest as the pansy, as pure as dew which hides within Aurora's sun-kissed chalice, as tender as the prim rose-sweet, all this and more is Alice. In inflicting this fragment upon the reader, I have not the faintest idea that he can discover any merit in it. I quoted only that a subsequent experience of mine may be more intelligible. When I had composed these wretched lines, I became conscious that I had neither pencil nor paper wherewith to preserve them. Should I lose them? My first self-constructed poem? Never. This was not the first time in which I had found it necessary to preserve words by memory alone. So I repeated my ridiculous lines over and over again until the eloquent feeling of which they were the graceless expression inspired me to accompany my recital with gestures. Six, eight, ten, a dozen, twenty times I repeated these lines each time with additional emotion and gestures when a thin voice very near me remarked, Ock and Howie, you does just as if you was swimming. Turning I beheld my nephew Toddy. How long he had been behind me, I had no idea. He looked earnestly into my eyes and then remarked, Ock and Howie, your face is wed just like a wozy posy. Let's go right into breakfast, Toddy, said I, aloud as I grumbled to myself about the faculty of observation which Tom's children seem to have. Immediately after breakfast I dispatched Mike with a note to Alice informing her that I would be glad to drive her to the falls in the afternoon, calling for her at two. Then I placed myself unreservedly at the disposal of the boys for the morning. It being distinctly understood that they must not expect to see me between lunch and dinner. I was first instructed to harness the goat, which order I obeyed and I afterward watched that grave animal as he drew my nephew's up and down the carriage road. His countenance as demure as if he had no idea of suddenly departing when my back should be turned. The wheels of the goat carriage uttered the most heart-rending noises I ever heard from ungreased axle. So I persuaded the boys to dismount and submit to the temporary unharnessing of the goat while I should lubricate the axles. Half an hour of dirty work sufficed with such assistance as I gained from juvenile advice to accomplish the task properly. Then I put the horned steed into the shafts. Budge cracked the whip. The carriage moved off without noise and Toddy began to weep bitterly. "'Cowage is all bloke,' said he. "'Wheels don't sing a bitty no more.' While Budge remarked, "'I think the carriage sounds kind of lonesome now, don't you, Uncle Harry?' "'Uncle Harry,' asked Budge, a little later in the morning. "'Do you know what makes the thunder?' "'Yes, Budge. "'When two clouds go bump into each other, "'they make a good deal of noise, and they call it thunder.' "'That ain't it at all,' said Budge. "'When it thundered yesterday, "'it was because the Lord was riding along through the sky "'and the wheels of his carriage made an awful noise, "'and that was the thunder.' "'Don't like, nasty old thunder,' remarked Toddy. "'It goes into our cellar "'and makes all the milk sour,' Maggie said so. "'And so I can't have no nice white tea "'for my burp's pup.' "'I should think you'd like the Lord to go a ride in Toddy "'with all the angels running after him,' said Budge, "'even if the thunder does make the milk sour, "'and is so splendid to see the thunder bang.' "'How do you see it, Budge?' I asked. "'Why don't you know when the thunder bangs "'and then you see an awful bright place in the sky? "'That's where the Lord's carriage gives an awful pound "'and makes little cracks through the floor of heaven, "'and we see right in. "'But what's the reason we can't ever see anybody "'through the cracks, Uncle Harry?' "'I don't know, old fellow. "'I guess it's because it isn't cracks in heaven "'that look so bright. "'It's a kind of fire that the Lord makes up in the clouds. "'You'll know all about it when you get bigger.' "'Well, I'll feel awful sorry if taint anything but fire. "'Do you know that funny song my Papa sings "'about roar and thunder, lightenings, blazes, "'shout the great creator's praises? "'I don't know exactly what it means, "'but I think it's kind of splendid, don't you?' "'I did know the old song. "'I had heard it in a Western camp meeting "'when scarcely older than Budge, "'and it left upon my mind just the effect "'it seemed to have done on his. "'I blessed his sympathetic young heart "'and snatched him into my arms. "'Instantly he became all boy again. "'Uncle Howie!' he shouted. "'You crawl on your hands and knees "'and play you was a horse and I'll ride on your back. "'No thank you, Budge, not on the dirt. "'Then let's play Menagerie and you be all the animals.' "'To this proposition I assented, "'and after hiding ourselves "'in one of the retired angles of the house "'so that no one could know "'who was guilty of disturbing the peace "'by such dire noises, the performance commenced. "'I was by turns a bear, a lion, a zebra, "'an elephant, dogs of various kinds, and a cat. "'As I personated the latter named animals, "'Toddy echoed my voice. "'Meow meow!' said he. "'That's what cat says when they go down wells. "'Faith and it's him that knows,' remarked Mike, "'who had invited himself to a free seat in the Menagerie "'and assisted in the applause "'which had greeted each personation. "'Would you believe it, Mr. Harry? "'That young devil got out the front door one morning "'in a forced sunrise, all in his little nightgown, "'and went over to the doctors "'and picked up a kitten lying on the kitchen door mat "'and throwed it down the well. "'The doctor wasn't home, but the missus saw him "'and her heart was that tender that she hurried out "'and throwed boards down for a poor little base "'to stand on and let down a hoe on a string. "'And when she got the poor little thing out, "'she was that faint that she dropped on the grass, "'and it cost Mr. Lawrence Nye onto $30 "'to have the doctor's well cleaned out.' "'Yes,' said Toddy, "'who had listened carefully to Mike's recital, "'and Kitty Kitty said, "'meow meow when she go down the well.' "'And Miss Doctor said, "'Bad boy, go home. "'Don't never tum to my house no more.' "'That's what she said to me. "'Now be some more animals, Ock and Howie. "'Can't you be a whale?' "'Whales don't make a noise, Toddy. "'They only splash about in the water.' "'Then grump in the cistern and plash, can't you?' "'Lunchtime. "'And after at the time for Toddy to take his nap. "'Poor budge was bereft of a playmate, "'for the doctor's little girl was sick, "'so he quietly followed me about with a wistful face "'that almost persuaded me to take him with me on my drive, "'our drive. "'Had he grumbled, I would have felt less uncomfortable, "'but there's nothing so touching and overpowering "'to either gods or men as the spectacle of mute resignation? "'At last, to my great relief, he opened his mouth.' "'Uncle Harry,' said he, "'do you suppose folks ever get lonesome in heaven?' "'I guess not, budge. "'Do little boy angels, papas, and mamas go off visiting "'and stay so long?' "'I don't exactly know, budge, but if they do, "'the little boy angels have plenty "'of other little boy angels to play with, "'so they can't very well be lonesome.' "'Well, I don't believe they could make me happy "'when I wanted to see my papa and mama. "'When I haven't got anybody to play with, "'then I want papa and mama so bad, "'so bad as if I would die if I didn't see him right away. "'I was shaving, and only half done, "'but I hastily wiped off my face, "'dropped into a rocking chair, "'took the forlorn little boy into my arms "'and kissed him, caressed him, "'sympathized with him, and devoted myself entirely "'to the task and pleasure of comforting him. "'His sober little face gradually assumed "'a happier appearance. "'His lips parted in such lines "'as no old master ever put upon angel lips. "'His eyes, from being dim and hopeless, "'grew warm and lustrous and melting. "'At last he said, "'Uncle Harry, I'm ever so happy now, "'and can't Mike go around with me and the goat "'all the time you're away riding, "'and bring us home some candy and marbles, "'oh yes, and a new dog.' "'Anxious as I was to hurry off to meet my engagement, "'I was rather disgusted as I unseated budge "'and returned to my razor. "'So long as he was lonesome, "'and I was his only hope, "'words couldn't express his devotion, "'but the moment he had, through my efforts, "'regained his spirits, "'his only use for me was to ask further favors. "'Yet in trying the poor boy, judicially, "'the evidence was more dangerous to humanity "'in general than to budge. "'It threw a great deal of light "'upon my own peculiar theological puzzles, "'and almost convinced me that my duty "'was to preach a new gospel.' "'End of Part 10, "'read by Kara Schellenberg on March 10th, 2008, "'in San Diego, California. "'Helen's Babies, Part 11. "'This is a LibriVox recording, "'all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. "'For more information or to volunteer, "'please visit LibriVox.org.' "'Helen's Babies,' by John Haberton, Part 11. "'As I drove up to the steps "'of Mrs. Clarkson's boarding house, "'it seemed to me a month had elapsed "'since last I was there, "'and this apparent lapse of time "'was all that prevented my ascribing "'to miraculous agencies, "'the wonderful and delightful change "'that Alice's countenance had undergone "'in two short days. "'Composure, quickness of perception, "'the ability to guard oneself, "'are indications of character "'which are particularly in place "'in the countenance of a young lady in society. "'But when, without losing these, "'the face takes on the radiance, "'born of love and trust, "'the effect is indescribably charming, "'especially to the eyes "'of the man who causes the change. "'Longer, more out-of-the-way roads "'between Hillcrests and the Falls, "'I venture to say we're never known, "'than I drove over that afternoon, "'and my happy companion, "'who in other days I had imagined might one day, "'by her decision, alertness and force, "'exceed the exploits of Lady Baker or Miss Tin, "'never once asked if I was sure "'we were on the right road. "'Only a single cloud came over her brow, "'and of this I soon learned the cause.' "'Harry,' said she, "'I'm pressing closer to my side and taking an appealing tone. "'Do you love me well enough to endure something "'unpleasant for my sake?' "'My answer was not verbally expressed, "'but its purport seemed to be understood and accepted, "'for Alice continued. "'I wouldn't undo a bit of what's happened, "'I'm the happiest, proudest woman in the world, "'but we have been very hasty "'for people who have been mere acquaintances, "'and mother is dreadfully opposed to such affairs. "'The ideas of the old style, you know. "'It was all my fault,' said I. "'I'll apologize promptly and handsomely. "'The time and agony which I didn't consume "'in laying siege to your heart, "'I'll devote to the task of gaining your mother's good graces. "'The look I received in reply to this remark "'would have richly repaid me, "'had my task been to conciliate "'as many mothers-in-law as Brigham Young possesses. "'But her smile faded,' as she said. "'I don't know what a task you have before you. "'Mother has a very tender heart, "'but it's thoroughly fenced in by proprieties. "'In her day and set, courtship was a very slow, "'stately affair, and mother believes it the proper way now. "'So do I, but I admit possible exceptions, "'and mother doesn't. "'I'm afraid she won't be patient "'if she knows the whole truth. "'Yet I can't bear to keep it from her. "'I'm her only child, you know.' "'Don't keep it from her,' said I. "'Unless, for some reason of your own, "'let me tell the whole story, take all the responsibility "'and accept the penalties, if there are any. "'Your mother is right, in principle, "'if there is a certain delightful exception that we know of.' "'My only fear is for you,' said my darling, "'nessling closer to me. "'She comes of a family that can display "'most glorious indignation when there's a good excuse "'for it, and I can't bear to think of you "'being the cause of such an outbreak. "'I've faced the ugliest of guns in honor "'of one form of love, little girl,' I replied, "'and I could do even more for the sentiment "'for which you are to blame. "'And for my own sake, I'd rather endure anything "'than a sense of having deceived anyone, "'especially the mother of such a daughter. "'Besides, you are her dearest treasure, "'and she has a right to know of even the least thing "'that in any way concerns you. "'And you're a noble fellow, and...' "'Whatever other sentiment my companion failed "'to put into words was impulsively "'and eloquently communicated by her dear eyes. "'But, oh, what a cowardly heart your dear cheek "'rested upon an instant later, fair Alice. "'Not for the first time in my life did I shrink "'and tremble at the realization "'of what duty imperatively required. "'Not for the first time did I go through "'a harder battle than was ever fought "'with sword and cannon, and a battle "'with greater possibilities of danger "'than the field ever offered. "'I want it, as a man must do in such fights "'if he deserves to live, but I could not help "'feeling considerably sobered on our homeward drive. "'We neared the house, and I had an insane fancy "'that instead of driving two horses, "'I was a stride of one with spurs at my heels "'and a saber at my side. "'Let me talk to her now, Alice, won't you? "'Delays are only cowardly.' "'A slight trembling at my side, "'an instant of silence that seemed an hour, "'yet within which I could count but six footfalls, "'and Alice replied, "'Yes, if the parlor happens to be empty, "'I'll ask her if she won't go in and see you a moment. "'Then there came a look full of tenderness, "'wonder, painful solicitude, "'and then two dear eyes filled with tears. "'We're nearly there, darling,' said I, "'with a reassuring embrace. "'Yes, and you shan't be the only hero,' said she, "'straightening herself proudly, "'and looking a fit model for a synovia. "'As we passed from behind a clump of evergreens, "'which hid the house from our view, "'I involuntarily exclaimed, "'Gracious! "'Upon the piazza stood Mrs. Maeton. "'At her side stood my two nephews "'as dirty in face, in clothing, "'as I had ever seen them. "'I don't know, but that for a moment "'I freely forgave them, "'for their presence might grant me the respite, "'which a sense of duty would not allow me to take. "'We's come'd up to wide home with you,' exclaimed Toddie, "'as Mrs. Maeton greeted me "'with an odd mixture of courtesy, "'curiosity, and humor. "'Alice led the way into the parlor, "'whispered to her mother, "'and commenced to make a rapid exit, "'when Mrs. Maeton called her back "'and motion'd her to a chair. "'Alice and I exchanged, side-long glances. "'Alice says you wish to speak with me, Mr. Burton,' said she. "'I wonder whether the subject is one upon which "'I have this afternoon received a minute verbal account "'from the elder, Master Lawrence. "'If you refer to an apparently unwarrantable intrusion "'upon your family's circle, Mrs. "'I do, sir,' replied the old lady, "'between the statements made by that child "'and the hitherto unaccountable change in my daughter's "'looks during two or three days, "'I think I have got at the truth of the matter. "'If the offender were anyone else, "'I should be inclined to be severe, "'but we mothers of only daughters "'are apt to have a pretty distinct idea "'of the merits of young men, "'and the old lady dropped her head. "'I sprang to my feet, "'sees'd her hand, and reverently kissed it. "'Then Mrs. Maeton, whose only son "'had died fifteen years before, "'raised her head and adopted me "'in the manner peculiar to mothers, "'while Alice burst into tears and kissed us both. "'A few moments later, as three happy people "'were occupying conventional attitudes "'and trying to compose faces "'which should bear the inspection "'of whoever might happen into the parlor, "'Mrs. Maeton observed, "'My children, between us this matter is understood, "'but I must caution you against acting in such a way "'as to make the engagement public at once. "'Trust me for that,' hastily exclaimed Alice, "'and me,' said I. "'I have no doubt of the intentions "'and discretion of either of you,' resumed Mrs. Maeton, "'but you cannot possibly be too cautious.' "'Here, a loud laugh from the shrubbery "'under the windows drowned Mrs. Maeton's voice "'for a moment, but she continued, "'Servants, children,' here she smiled, "'and I dropped my head. "'Persons, you may chance to meet.' "'Again, the laugh broke forth under the window. "'What can those girls be laughing at?' "'explained Alice, moving toward the window "'followed by her mother and me. "'Seated in a semicircle on the grass "'were most of the ladies boarding at Mrs. Clarkson's, "'and in front of them stood Toddie "'in that high state of excitement "'to which sympathetic applause always raises him. "'Say it again,' said one of the ladies. "'Toddie put on an expression of profound wisdom, "'made violent gestures with both hands, "'and repeated the following with frequent gesticulations. "'As radiant as the matchless woes "'that poor-gardest fancy, "'as fair as whitest lily blows, "'as modest as a pansy, "'as pure as juice at hides within "'a wawa's suntist chalice, "'as tender as your primal sweet, "'all just shall more is Alice.' "'I gasped for breath. "'Who taught you all that, Toddie?' asked one of the ladies. "'Nobody didn't taught me. I lined it.' "'Footnote learned. "'When did you learn it? "'Lined it just morning. "'Ock and Howie said it over and over and over, "'just yachts of times out in the garden.' "'The ladies all exchanged glances. "'My lady-readers will understand just how, "'and I assure a gentleman that I did not find "'their glances at all hard to read. "'Alice looked at me inquiringly, "'and she now tells me that I blushed sheepishly and guiltily. "'Poor Mrs. Maiton staggered to a chair "'and exclaimed, "'Too late, too late!' "'Considering their recent achievements, "'Toddie and Budge were a very modest couple "'as I drove them home that evening. "'Budge even made some attempt at apologizing "'for their appearance, saying that they couldn't find Maggie "'and couldn't wait any longer. "'But I assured him that no apology was necessary. "'I was in such excellent spirits "'that my feeling became contagious, "'and we sang songs, told stories, "'and played ridiculous games most of the evening, "'paying but little attention to the dinner "'that was set for us.' "'Uncle Harry,' said Budge, suddenly, "'Do you know we haven't ever sung "'Drown old Pharaoh's army hallelujah "'since you've been here? Let's do it now.' "'All right, old fellow.' "'I knew the song, such as there was of it, "'and its chorus, as everyone does, "'whoever heard the jubilee singers render it. "'But I scarcely understood the meaning "'of the preparations which Budge made.' "'He drew a large rocking chair "'into the middle of the room and exclaimed, "'There, Uncle Harry, you sit down. "'Come along, Todd. You sit on that knee, "'and I'll sit on this. "'Lift up both hands, Todd, like I do. "'Now we're all ready, Uncle Harry.' I sang the first line. "'When Israel was in bondage, they cried unto the Lord, "'without any assistance, "'but the boys came in powerfully on the refrain, "'beating time simultaneously "'with their four fists upon my chest. "'I cannot think it strange that I suddenly ceased singing, "'but the boys viewed my action "'from a different standpoint. "'What makes you stop, Uncle Harry?' asked Budge. "'Because you hurt me badly, my boy. "'You mustn't do that again.' "'Why, I guess you ain't very strong. "'That's the way we do to Papa, and it don't hurt him.' "'Poor Tom. No wonder he grows flat-chested. "'Guess you's a chi, baby,' suggested Todd. "'This imputation I bore with meekness, "'but ventured to remark that it was bedtime. "'After allowing a few moments "'for the usual expressions of dissent, "'I staggered upstairs with Toddie in my arms "'and Budge on my back, "'both boys roaring in refrain of the negro hymn. "'I'm rolling through an unfriendly world.' "'The offer of a stick of candy "'to whichever boy was first undressed "'caused some lively disrobing, "'after which each boy received the prize. "'Budge bit a large piece, "'wedged it between his cheek and his teeth, "'closed his eyes, folded his hands on his breast, "'and prayed. "'Dear Lord, bless Papa and Mama and Toddie and me, "'and that turtle Uncle Harry found, "'and bless that lovely lady Uncle Harry goes riding with, "'and make him take me, too, "'and bless that nice old lady with white hair "'that cried and said that I was a smart boy. "'Amen.'" Toddie sighed as he drew his stick of candy from his lips. Then he shut his eyes and remarked, "'Dear Lord, bless Toddie and make him good boy, "'and bless them ladies that told me to say it again.' "'The particular it,' referred to, "'was seeming well understood by at least three adults "'of my acquaintances.' "'The course of Budge's interview with Mrs. Maiton "'was afterward related by that lady as follows. "'She was sitting in her own room, "'which was on the parlor floor and in the rear of the house, "'and was leisurely reading, "'fated to be free, "'when she accidentally dropped her glasses. "'Stooping to pick them up, "'she became aware that she was not alone. "'A small, very dirty, but good-featured boy "'stood before her, his hands behind his back, "'and inquiring look in his eyes. "'Run away, little boy,' said she. "'Don't you know it isn't polite to enter rooms "'without knocking?' "'I'm looking for my uncle,' said Budge "'in most melodious accents. "'And the other lady said you would know "'when he would come back.' "'I'm afraid they were making fun of you or me,' "'said the old lady a little severely. "'I don't know anything about little boy's uncles. "'Now run away, and don't disturb me anymore.' "'Well,' continued Budge. "'They said your little girl went with him, "'and you'd know when she would come back.' "'I haven't any little girl,' said the old lady, "'her indignation at a supposed joke, "'threatening to overcome her dignity. "'Now go away.' "'She isn't a very little girl,' said Budge, "'honestly anxious to conciliate. "'That is, she's bigger than I am, "'but they said you was her mother, "'and so she's your little girl, isn't she? "'I think she's lovely, too.' "'Do you mean Miss Maiton?' asked the lady, "'thinking she had a possible clue "'to the cause of Budge's anxiety.' "'Oh, yes, that's her name. "'I couldn't think of it,' eagerly replied Budge. "'And ain't she awful nice? "'I know she is.' "'Your judgment is quite correct, "'considering your age,' said Mrs. Maiton, "'exhibiting more interest in Budge "'than she had here to foredone. "'But what makes you think she is nice? "'You are rather younger than her male admirers usually are.' "'Why, my Uncle Harry told me so,' replied Budge, "'and he knows everything.' "'Mrs. Maiton grew vigilant at once and dropped her book.' "'Who is your Uncle Harry, little boy?' "'He's Uncle Harry, don't you know him? "'He can make nicer whistles than my Papa can, "'and he found a turtle.' "'Who is your Papa?' interrupted the lady. "'Why, he's Papa. "'I thought everybody knew who he was.' "'What is your name?' asked Mrs. Maiton. "'John Burton Lawrence,' promptly answered Budge. "'Mrs. Maiton wrinkled her brows for a moment "'and finally asked, "'Is Mr. Burton the Uncle you are looking for?' "'I don't know any Mr. Burton,' said Budge, "'a little dazed. "'Uncle is Mama's brother, "'and he's been living at our house "'ever since Mama and Papa went off visiting, "'and he goes riding in our carriage and, "'Humph,' remarked the lady, "'with so much emphasis that Budge ceased talking. "'A moment later,' she said, "'I didn't mean to interrupt you, little boy, go on.' "'And he rides with just the loveliest lady that ever was. "'He thinks so, and I know she is, "'and he spects her.' "'What?' exclaimed the old lady. "'Spects her,' I say. "'That's what he says. "'I, say, expect means just what I call love, "'cause if it don't, what makes him give her hugs and kisses?' "'Mrs. Maiton caught her breath "'and did not reply for a moment.' "'At last,' she said, "'How do you know he gives her hugs and kisses?' "'Cause I saw him, "'the day Todd he hurt his finger in the grass cutter, "'and he was so happy that he bought me a goat carriage "'next morning, I'll show it to you "'if you come down to our stable, "'and I'll show you the goat, too, and he bought.' "'Just here, Budge stopped, "'for Mrs. Maiton put her handkerchief to her eyes. "'Two or three moments later, "'she felt a light touch on her knee "'and, wiping her eyes, "'saw a Budge looking sympathetically into her face. "'I'm awful sorry you feel bad,' said he. "'Are you afraid to have your little girl ride in so long?' "'Yes,' exclaimed Mrs. Maiton, "'with great decision. "'Well, you needn't be,' said Budge, "'for Uncle Harry's awful careful and smart.' "'He ought to be ashamed of himself,' exclaimed the lady. "'I guess he is, then,' said Budge, "'cause he is everything he ought to be. "'He's awful careful. "'Tother day when the goat ran away "'and Todd and me got in the carriage with them, "'he held on to her tight so she couldn't fall out.' "'Mrs. Maiton brought her foot down "'with a violent stamp.' "'I know you'd expect him, "'if you knew how nice he was,' continued Budge. "'He sings awful funny songs and tells splendid stories.' "'Nonsense,' exclaimed the angry mother. "'They ain't no nonsense at all,' said Budge. "'I don't think it's nice for to say that, "'when his stories are always about Joseph "'and Abraham and Moses, "'and when Jesus was a little boy, "'and the Hebrew children "'and lots of people that the Lord loved. "'And he's awful affectionate too.' "'Yes, I suppose so,' said Mrs. Maiton. "'When we says our prayers, "'we prays for the nice lady what he expects, "'and he likes us to do it,' continued Budge. "'How do you know?' demanded Mrs. Maiton. "'Cause he always kisses us when we do it, "'and that's what my papa does when he likes what we pray.' "'Mrs. Maiton's mind became absorbed in earnest thought, "'but Budge had not said all that was in his heart. "'And when Todd, he or me, "'tumbles down and hurts ourselves, "'tain't no matter what Uncle Harry's doing, "'he runs right out and picks us up and comforts us. "'He frode away a cigar the other day. "'He was in such a hurry when a wasp stung me, "'and Todd, he picked the cigar up and ate it, "'and it made him awful sick.' "'The last named incident did not affect Mrs. Maiton deeply, "'perhaps on the score of inapplicability "'to the question before her.' Budge went on. "'And wasn't he good to me today? "'Just because I was forlorn, "'cause I hadn't nobody to play with, "'and wanted to die and go to heaven, "'he stopped shaven so as to comfort me.' Mrs. Maiton had been thinking rapidly and seriously, and her heart had relented somewhat toward the principal offender. "'Suppose,' said she, "'that I don't let my little girl "'go riding with him any more. "'Then,' said Budge, "'I know he'll be awful, awful unhappy, "'and I'll be awful sorry for him, "'cause nice folks oughtn't to be made unhappy. "'Suppose, then, that I do let her go,' said Mrs. Maiton. "'Then I'll give you a whole stomachful of kisses "'for being so good to my uncle,' said Budge. "'And, assuming that the latter course "'would be the one adopted by Mrs. Maiton, "'Budge climbed into her lap "'and began at once to make payment.' "'Bless your dear little heart,' exclaimed Mrs. Maiton. "'You're of the same blood, and it is good. "'If it is rather hasty.' "'End of Part XI.' Read by Kara Schellenberg on March 15th, 2008 in San Diego, California.