 Anarchist His Dog by Susan Klaspel. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org. Stubby had a route and that was how he had happened to get a dog. For the benefit of those who have never carried papers it should be thrown in that having a route means getting up just when there is really some fun and something. Lining up at the leader office maybe having a scrap with the fellow who says you took his place in line. Getting your papers all damp from the press and starting for the outskirts of the city. Then you double up the paper in the way that will cause all possible difficulty in the undoubling and hurl it with what force you have against the front door. It is good to have a route for you at least earn your salt so your father can't say that anymore. If he does you know it isn't so. When you have a route you whistle all the fellows whistle. It may not feel like it but it is the custom as can be sworn to by many sleepy citizens and as time goes on you succeed in acquiring easy manner of a brigand. Stubby was little and everything about him seemed to saw it off just a second too soon. His nose his fingers and most of all his hair. His head was a faithful replica of a chestnut were. His hair did not lie down and take things easy. It stood up and out. Gentle ladies couldn't possibly have let their hands sink into it as we are told they do for the hands just wouldn't sink. It had to float. And alas gentle ladies didn't particularly want their hands to sink into it. There was not that about Stubby short person to cause the hands of gentle ladies to move instinctively to his head. Stubby bristled. That is he appeared to bristle. Inwardly Stubby yearned. Though he would have swung into his very best brigand manner on the spot were you to suggest so offensive a thing. Just to look at Stubby you'd never in a thousand years guess what a funny feeling he had sometimes when he got to the top of a hill where his route began and could see a long way down the river and the town curled in on the other side. Sometimes when the morning sun was shining through a mist making things awful clear some of the mist got into Stubby's squinty little eyes. After the mist behaved that way he always whistled so rakeishly and threw his papers with such abandonment that people turned over in their beds and muttered things about having that little heathen of a paperboy shot. All along the route are dogs. Indeed routes are distinguished by their dogs. Mean routes are those that have terraces and mean dogs. Good routes where the houses are close together and the dogs run out and wag their tails. Though Stubby's greater difficulty came through the wagging tails he carried in a collie neighborhood and all collies seemed consumed with the mighty ambitions to have routes. If you spoke to them and how could you help speaking to a collie when he came bounding to you out that way. He had an awful time chasing him back and when he got lost and it seemed collies spent most of their time getting lost. The woman would put her head out next morning and want to know if you would coax her dog away. Some of the fellows had dogs that went with them on their routes. One day one of them asked Stubby why he didn't have a dog and he replied in a certainly fashion that he didn't have one because he didn't want one. If he wanted one he guessed you'd have one and there was no one with an earshot old enough or wise enough or tender enough to know from the meanest of Stubby's tone and by his evil scowl that his heart was just breaking down on a dog. One day a new dog appeared along the route. He was yellow and looked like a cheap addition of a bulldog. He was that kind of dog most accurately described by saying it is hard to describe him. The kind he says is just dog and everybody knows. He tried to follow Stubby not in the trusting bounding manner of the collies not happily but hopingly. Stubby true to the ethics of his profession chased him back where he had come from. That there might be nothing whatever on his conscience. He even threw a stone after him. Stubby was an expert in throwing things at dog. He could seem to just miss them and yet never hit them. The next day it happened again but just as he had a clawed poised for throwing a window went up and a woman called for pity's sake little boy don't chase him back here. Why? Why ain't he yours called Stubby? Mercy no we can't chase him away. Who's Izzy? Demanded Stubby. Why he's nobody. He just hangs around. I wish he'd coax him away. Well that was a new one and then I want to keep it wrist over Stubby but this dog who is nobody's dog could if he coaxed him away and the woman wanted him coaxed away be his dog and because that idea had such a strange effect on him he sang out in offhand fashion oh all right I'll take him away and drown him for you. A little boy called the woman why don't drown him oh all right I'll shoot him then called a blighting Stubby whistling for the dog while all morning long the woman grieved over having sent a helpless little dog away with that perfectly brutal paper boy. Stubby's mother was washing she looked up from her tubs on the back porch to say wish you'd take that bucket then seeing what was slinking behind her son straight away assumed the role of destiny with get out of here. Stubby snapped his fingers behind his back as much to say wait a minute a woman gave him to me he said to his mother gave him to you she scoffed I should think she would then something happened that had not happened many times in Stubby's short lifetime he acknowledged his feelings I'd like to keep him I'd like to have a dog. His mother shook her hands and the flying suds seemed expressing her scorn huh that ugly good-for-nothing thing the dog had edged in between Stubby's feet and crouched there he could go with me on my route said Stubby he'd kind of be company for me and when he had said that he knew all at once just how lonesome he had been sometimes on his route how he'd wanted something to kind of be company for him his face twitched as he stooped down to pat the dog Mrs. Lynch looked at her son youngest of her five not the hardness of her heart but the hardness of her life had made her unpracticed in moments of tenderness something in the way Stubby was patting the dog suggested to her that Stubby was a queer one he was kind of little to be carrying papers all by himself Stubby looked up he could eat what's thrown away that was an errand diplomacy the ones face-hearted mighty little will be thrown away this winner she muttered but just then Mrs. Johnson appeared on the other side of the fence and began hanging up her clothes with that Mrs. Lynch saw her way to justify herself and indulging her son Mrs. Johnson and Mrs. Lynch had had words you just let him stay around Stubby she called and you would have supposed from her tone it was Stubby who was on the other side of the fence maybe he'll keep the neighbors chickens up but then they ain't got chickens of their own don't want me bothered with the neighbors that was how it happened that he stayed and no one but Stubby knew and possibly Stubby didn't either how it happened that he was named hero it would seem that here should be a noble St. Bernard or particularly mean looking bulldog not a stocky shapeless squid-eyed yellow dog with one year half bitten off in one leg built on an entirely different plan from its fellow legs possibly Stubby's own spiritual experiences had suggested to him they weren't necessarily the way you looked the chickens were pretty well kept out but no one ever saw a hero doing any of it perhaps hero had been too long associated with chasing to desire any part in it even with roles reversed if Stubby could help it no one really saw Stubby doing the chasing either he became skilled in chasing when he did not appear to be chasing then he would get here to barking in turn to his mother with guess you don't see so many chickens around nowadays the fellows in line jeered it here what first they seem tired of it when Stubby said he didn't want the curve but his mother made him stay around to keep the chickens out he was a fine chicken dog Stubby grudgingly admitted he couldn't keep him from following said Stubby so he just let him come sometimes when they were waiting in line Stubby made ferocious threats a hero he was going to break his back and ring his head off and do other heartless things which for some reason he never started in right then it was different when they were alone and they were alone a good deal Stubby's route wasn't nearly so long after he had here to go with him when winter came and five o'clock was dark and cold for starting out it was pretty good to have hero trotting at his heels and hero always wanted to go it was never so raining nor so cold but the other dog seemed to think he would rather stay home by the fire then hero was always waiting for him when he came home from school Stubby would sing out hello Kerr and the tone was such that hero did not grasp that he was being insulted sometimes when there was nobody about Stubby picked up here when his arms and squeezed him Stubby had not had a large experience of squeezing at those times hero would lick Stubby's face and whimper a little love whimper and such were the workings of Stubby's heart and mind that that made him of quite as much account as if he really had chased the chickens Stubby who had seen the way dogs can look at you out of their eyes was not one to save a dog what good is he but it seemed there were such people there were even people who thought you ought to have a dog and to love you if you weren't one of those rich people who could pay two dollars and a half a year for the luxury Stubby first heard of those people one night in June the father of the Lynch family was sitting in the backyard reading the paper when hero and Stubby came running in from the alley it was one of those moments when hero forgetting the bleakness of his youth abandoned himself to the joy of living he was tearing round and around Stubby barking and Stubby's father called up here shut up there you cur you better lie low you're going to be shot the first of August Stubby and as regards the joy of living hero had done as much for Stubby as Stubby for hero came to a halt the fun and frolic just died right out of him and he stood there staring at his father who had turned the page and was settling himself to a new horror at last Stubby spoke why is he going to be shot on the first of August he asked in a tight little voice his father looked up why is he going to be shot you got any two dollars and a half to pay for him he laughed as though that were a joke well it was something of a joke Stubby got 10 cents a week out of his paper money the rest he turned in then he went back to his paper there was another long pause before Stubby asked in that tight clear little voice what did I have to pay two dollars and a half for nobody owns him his parents stirred scornfully suppose you never heard of a dog tax did you suppose they don't learn you nothing like that at school yes Stubby did know that dogs had to have checks but he hadn't thought anything about that in connection with hero he ventured another question you have to have him for all dogs even if you just picked him up on the street and took care of them and nobody else would you bet you do his parent assured him genuinely you pay your dog tax or the policeman comes on the first of August and shoots your dog but that he dismissed it for good bearing himself in his paper for a minute the boy stood there in silence then he walked slowly around the house and sat down where his father couldn't see him hero followed it was a way hero had the dog sat down beside the boy and after a couple of minutes the boys arms still furtively around him and they sat there very still for a long time as nobody but hero paid much attention to him nobody saved here noticed how quiet and clear Stubby was for the next three days hero must have noticed it for he was quiet and clear too he followed wherever Stubby would let him and every time he got a chance he would nestle up to him and look into his face that way you incurred dogs have of doing when they fear something is wrong at the end of three days Stubby his little freckled face set in grim took a stand in front of his father and came right out with I want to keep one week's paper money to pay heroes tax his father's chair had been tilted back against a tree now it came down with a thud oh you do do you I can earn the other 50 cents at little jobs you can can you now ain't you smart the tone brought the blood to Stubby's face I think I got a right to he said his voice low the man's face which had been taunting grew ugly look at your young man under your lip the tears rushed to Stubby's eyes but he stumbled on I guess here's got a right to some of my paper money when he goes with me every day on my route at that his father stared for a minute and then burst into a loud laugh blinded with tears the boy turned to the house after she had gone to bed that night Stubby's mother heard a sound from the Alco at the head of the stairs where her youngest child slept as the sound kept on she got out of her bed and went to Stubby's cot look here she said awkwardly but not unkindly this won't do we're poor folks Freddie it was only once in a while that she called him that all we can do to live these times we can't pay no dog tax Stubby did not speak she added I know you've taken to the dog but just the same you ain't to feel hard on your paw he can't help it neither can I things is as they it's and nobody can help it as despite this bit of philosophy Stubby was still gulping back sobbed she added what she thought was a master stroke in consolation now you just go right to sleep and if they don't come to take this dog away maybe you can pick up another one in the fall but sob suddenly stopped and Stubby stared at her and what he said after a long stare was I guess there ain't no use in you and me talking about it that's right said she relieved now you go right off to sleep and she left him never dreaming why Stubby had seen there was no use talking about it nor did he talk about it but a change came over Stubby's funny little person in the next few days the change was particularly concerned with his jaw though there was something different to and the light in his eyes as he looked straight ahead and something different his voice when he said come on hero he got so he could walk into a store in a man in a hard little voice want a boy to do anything for you and when they said got more boys and we know what to do with Sonny Stubby would say all right we walk sturdily out again sometimes they laughed and said what could you do and then Stubby would walk out but possibly a little less sturdily vacation came the next week and still he had found nothing his father however had been more successful he found a place where they wanted a boy to work in a yard a couple of hours in the morning for that Stubby was to get a dollar and a half a week but that was turned in for his keep there were lots of mouths to feed as Stubby's mother was always calling to her neighbor across the alley but the yard gave Stubby an idea and he earned some dimes in one quarter in the next week most folks thought he was too little one kind lady told him he ought to be playing not working but there were people who would let him take big shears and cut grass around flowerbeds and things like that this he had to do after and he was supposed to be off playing and when he came home as a mother sometimes said some folks had it easy playing around all day it was now the first week in July and Stubby had a dollar and twenty cents it was getting to the point where he would wake in the night and find himself sitting in bed hands clenched he dreamed dreams about how folks would let him live if he had 99 cents but how he only had 97 and a half so they were going to shoot him and one day he found mr. Stewart he was passing the house after having asked three people if they wanted a boy and they didn't and seemed so surprised at the idea of there wanting him that Stubby's throat was all tight when mr. Stewart sang out say boy want a little job it seemed at first it must be a joke or a dream anybody asking him if he wanted one but the man was beckoning to him so he pulled himself together and ran up the steps now here's a little package he took something out of the mailbox it doesn't belong here it's to go to 302 Pleasant Street you take it for a dime Stubby nodded as he was going down the steps the man called say boy how do you like a steady job for the first minute it seemed pretty mean making fun of a fellow that way this will be here every day suppose you come each day about this time and take it over there not mentioning it to anybody Stubby fell weak while all right he managed to stay I'll give you 50 cents a week that fair yes sir said Stubby doing some quick calculation then here goes for the first week and he handed him the other 40 cents it was funny how fast the world could change Stubby wanted to run again been doing much running a blade wanted to go home and get here to go with him to Pleasant Street but didn't know sir when you had a job to do you had to tend to things well a person could do things if he had to thought Stubby no you saying you couldn't you could if you had to you was back in tune with life he whistled he turned up his collar in the old rakeish way he threw a stick at a cat back home he jumped over the fence instead of going in the gate lately he had actually been using the game and he cried get out of my sight you cur in tones which as hero understood things meant anything but getting out of his sight he was a little boy again he slept at night as little boy sleep he played with hero along the route taught him some new tricks his draw relax from its grown-upishness it was funny about those stewards sometimes he saw mr. Stuart but never anybody else the place seemed shut up but each day the little package was there and every day he took it to Pleasant Street and left it at the door there that place seemed shut up too when it was well into the second week Stubby ventured to say something about the next 50 cents the man fumbled in his pockets something in his face is familiar to experience Stubby it suggested a having to have two dollars and a half by August 1st and only having a dollar and a quarter state of mind I haven't got the change pay you at the end of next week for the whole business that all right Stubby considered I've got to have it before the 1st of August he said at that the man laughed funny kind of laughed it was and muttered something but he told Stubby he would have it before the 1st it bothered Stubby he wished the man had given it to him then he would rather get it each week and keep it himself a little of the grown-up looks stole back after that he didn't see Mr. Stewart and one day a week or so later the package was not in the box and a man who were they kind of closed Stubby's father or came around the house and asked him what he was doing Stubby was wary oh I've got a little job I do for Mr. Stewart the man left I had a little job I did for Mr. Stewart too you paid in advance so you picked up his ears because if you ain't I'd advise you to look out for a little job somewhere else then it came out Mr. Stewart was broke more than that he was off his nut lots of people were doing little jobs for him there was no sense in any of them and now he had suddenly been called out of town there was a trembling feeling through Stubby's insides but outwardly he was bristling just like his hair bristled as he demanded where am I to get what's coming to me afraid he won't get it sonny we're all in the same boat he looks Stubby up and down and then added kind of little for that boat I've got to have it cried Stubby I tell you I've got to the man shook his head that cuts no ice hard luck sonny but we've got to take our medicine in this world take no medicine for kids though he muttered Stubby's face just then was too much for him he put his hand in his pocket and drew out a dime saying there now you're no longer new get a soda and forget your troubles it ain't always like this you'll have better luck next time but Stubby did not get the soda he put the dime in his pocket and turned toward home something was the matter with his legs they acted funny about carrying him he tried to whistle but something was the matter with his lips too counting this time he now had a dollar and eighty cents and it was the 28th day of July 30 days has September April June and November he was saying to himself then July was one of the long ones well that was a good thing then a great deal worse of July was a short one again he tried to whistle in that time did manage to pipe out a few shrill little tones when hero came running up the hill to meet him he slapped him on the back and cried hello hero in tones fairly swaggering with bravado that night he engaged his father in conversation the phrase is well adapted to the way Stubby went about it how is it about about things like taxes Stubby crossed his knees and swung one foot to show his indifference if you have almost enough do they sometimes let you off the detachment was a shade less perfect on the last his father laughs scoffingly well I guess not I thought maybe since Stubby if a person had tried awful hard and most enough something inside him was all shaky so he didn't go on his father said that trying didn't have anything to do with it it was hard for Stubby not to sob out that he thought trying ought to have something to do with it but he only made a hissing noise between his teeth that took the place of the whistle that wouldn't come kind of seems you're assumed if a person would have had enough if they hadn't been beat out of it maybe if he'd done the best he could his father snorted derisively and informed him that doing the best he could made no difference to the government hard luck stories didn't go when it came to the laws of the land there upon Stubby took a little walk out to the alley and spend the considerable time and contemplation of the neighbor's chicken yard when he came back he walked right up to his father and standing there feet planted shoulders squared wanted to know in a desperate little voice if someone else was to give say a dollar and 80 cents for here could I take the other 70 out of my paper money the man turned upon him roughly uh-huh that's it is it that's why you're getting so smart all of a sudden about government looky here just let me tell you something you're lucky if you get enough to eat this one or do you know there's talk of the factory shutting down dog tax while you're lucky if you get shoes Stubby had turned away and was standing with his back to his father hands in his pockets and let me tell you something else young man if you got any dollar and 80 cents you give it to your mother as Stubby was turning the corner of the house he called after him how do you like to have me get you an automobile he went doggedly from house to house the next afternoon but nobody had any jobs when hero came running out to him that night he patted him but didn't speak that evening as they were sitting in the backyard Stubby and hero a little apart from the others his father was discoursing with his brother about anarchists they were getting commoner his father thought there were a good many of them at the shop they didn't call themselves that that's what they were well what is an anarchist anyhow Stubby's mother wanted to know why an anarchist her lord informed her this is one that's against the government he don't believe in the law and order the real bad anarchists shoot them that tries to enforce the laws of the land guess if you read the papers these days you'd know Stubby's brain had been going round and round and these words caught in it as it worked the government the laws of the land why it was the government and the laws of the land that were going to shoot hero it was the government the laws of the land didn't care how hard you had tried didn't care whether you had been cheated didn't care how you felt didn't care about anything except getting the money his brain got hotter while he didn't believe in the government either he was one of those people those anarchists that were against the laws of the land he done the very best and now the government was going to take care away from him just because he couldn't get couldn't get that other 70 cents Stubby's mother didn't hear her son crying that night that was because stubby was successful in holding the pillar over his head the next morning he looked in one of the papers he was carrying to see what it said about anarchists sure enough someplace away off somewhere the anarchists had shot somebody that was trying to enforce the laws of the land the laws of the land that didn't care that afternoon the stubby tramped around looking for jobs he saw a good many boys playing with dogs none of them seemed to be worrying about whether their dogs had checks just stubby's hot little brain and sore little heart came the thought that they didn't love their dogs anymore than he loved hero either but the government didn't care whether he loved hero or not who what was that to the government all it cared about was getting the money he stood for a long time watching a boy give his dog a bath the dog was trying to get away and the boy and another boy were having lots of fun about it all of a sudden stubby turned and ran away ran down an alley ran through a number of alleys just kept on running blinded by the tears and that night in the middle of the night that something in his head going round and round getting hotter and hotter he decided that the only thing to do for him was to shoot the policeman who came to take care away on the morning of august first that would be day after tomorrow all night long policemen with revolvers stood around his bed when his mother called him at half past four he was shaking so he could scarcely get into its clothes on his way home from his route stubby had to pass a police station he went on the other side of the street and stood there looking across one of the policemen was playing with a dog suddenly he wanted to rush over and throw himself down to that policeman's feet stop out the story to ask him please please wait till he could get that other 70 cents but just then the policeman got up and went into the station and stubby was afraid to go in the police station that policeman complicated things for stubby before that it had been quite simple the policeman would come to enforce the law of the land but he did not believe in the law of the land so he would just kill the policeman but it seemed a policeman wasn't just a person who enforced the laws of the land he was also a person who played with the dog after a whole day of walking around thinking about it his eyes burning his heart pounding he decided that the thing to do was to warn the policeman by writing a letter he did not know whether real anarchists warned them or not but stubby couldn't get reconciled to the idea of killing a person without telling him you were going to do it it seemed that even a policeman should be told especially a policeman who played with the dog the following letter was penciled by a shaking hand late that afternoon it was written upon a barrel in the lynch woodshed on a piece of wrapping paper a bristly little head bending over it to the policeman who comes to take my dog because i ain't got the 250 because i tried but could only get 180 because the man was off his nut and didn't pay me what i earned this is to tell you i am an anarchist and do not believe in the government or the law in the order and will shoot you when you come i wouldn't have been an anarchist if i could have got the money and i tried to get it but i couldn't get it not enough i don't think the government had ought to take things you like like i like heroes so i'm against the government thought i would tell you first yours truly f lynch i don't see how i can shoot you because where would i get the revolver so i will have to do it with the butcher knife folks are sometimes killed that way because my father read it in the paper if you wanted to take the 180 and leave here until i can get the 70 i will not do anything to you and would be very much obliged 1113 will of street the letter was properly addressed and sealed not for nothing had stubby's teacher given those instructions in the art of letter writing the stamp he paid for out of the dime the man gave him to get the soda with and forget his troubles now bill o brian was on the desk at the police station and miss murphy of the herald stood in with the bill that was how it came about so the next morning a fat policeman an eager-looking girl and a young fellow with a kodak descended into the hollow of 1113 will of street a little boy peeped around the corner of the house such a wild-looking little boy hair all standing up in eyes glittering a yellow dog ran out and barked the boy darted out and grabbed the dog in his arms and in that moment the girls called to the man with the black box right now quick get him they were getting ready to shoot hero that box is the way the police did it he must oh he must must boy and dog sink to the ground but just the same the boy was shielding the dog when stubby had pulled himself together the policeman was holding hero he said that hero was certainly a fine dog he had a dog a good deal like him at home in miss murphy she was choking back sobs herself knew how he could earn the 70 cents that afternoon in such wise do a good anarchist in a good story go down under the same blow some of those sobs miss murphy choked back got into what she wrote about stubby and his yellow dog and the next day citizens with no sense of the dramatic cent money enough to check hero through life at first stubby's father said he had a good mind to lick him but something in the quality of miss murphy's journalism left a hazy feeling of there being something remarkable about his son he confided to his good wife that it wouldn't surprise him much if stubby was someday president somebody had to be president so he and he had noticed it was generally those who in their youthful days did things that made lively reading in the newspapers end of anarchist his dog by susan glassbull bill the bloodhound by pg woodhouse this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra vox dot org bill the bloodhound by pg woodhouse read by don jenkins there's a divinity that shapes our ends consider the case of henry piefield rice detective i must explain henry early to avoid disappointment if i simply said he was a detective and let it go at that i should be obtaining the reader's interest under false pretenses he was really only a sort of detective a species of sleuth at stafford's international investigation bureau in the strand where he was employed they did not require him to solve mysteries which had baffled the police he had never measured a footprint in his life and what he did not know about bloodstains would have filled the library the sort of job they gave henry was to stand outside a restaurant in the rain and note what time someone inside left it in short it is not piefield rice investigator number one the adventure of the maharaja's ruby that i submit to your notice but the unsensational doings of a quite commonplace young man variously known to his comrades at the bureau as fathead that blighter what's his name and here you henry lived in a boarding house on gildford street one day a new girl came to the boarding house and sat next to henry at meals her name was alice weston she was small quiet and rather pretty they got on splendidly their conversation at first confined to the weather and the moving pictures rapidly became more intimate henry was surprised to find that she was on the stage in the chorus previous chorus girls at the boarding house had been a more pronounced type good girls but noisy and apt to wear beauty spots alice weston was different i'm rehearsing at present she said i'm going out on tour next month in the girl from brighton what do you do mr rice henry paused for a moment before replying he knew how sensational he was going to be i'm a detective usually when he told girls his professions squeaks of amazed admiration greeted him now he was chagrin to perceive in the brown eyes that met his distinct disapproval what's the matter he asked a little anxiously for even at this early stage in their acquaintance he was conscious of a strong desire to win her approval don't you like detectives i don't know somehow i shouldn't have thought you were one that restored henry's equanimity somewhat naturally a detective does not want to look like a detective and give the whole thing away right at the start i think you won't be offended go on i've always looked at it as rather a sneaky job sneaky moaned henry well creeping about spying on people henry was appalled she had defined his own trade to a nicety there might be detectives whose work was above this reproach but he was a confirmed creeper and he knew it it wasn't his fault the boss told him to creep and he crept if he declined to creep he would be sacked instant her it was hard and yet he felt the sting of her words and in his bosom the first seeds of dissatisfaction with his occupation took root you might have thought that this frankness on the girl's part would have kept henry from falling in love with her certainly the dignified thing would have been to change his seat at table and take his meals next to someone who appreciated the romance of detective work a little more but no he remained where he was and presently cupid who never shoots a sureer aim than through the steam of boarding house hash sniped him where he sat he proposed to Alice Weston she refused him it's not because i'm not fond of you i think you're the nicest man i ever met a good deal of assiduous attention had enabled henry to win this place in her affections he had worked patiently and well before actually putting his fortune to the test i'd marry you tomorrow if things were different but i'm on the stage and i mean to stick there most of the girls want to get off it but not me and one thing i'll never do is marry someone who isn't in the profession my sister jennivy did and look what happened to her she married a commercial traveler and take it from me he traveled she never saw him for more than five minutes in the year except when he was selling gents hosiery in the same town where she was doing her refined specialty and then he'd just wave his hand and whiz by and start traveling again my husband has got to be close by where i can see him i'm sorry henry but i know i'm right it seemed final but henry did not wholly despair he was a resolute young man you have to be to wait outside restaurants in the rain for any length of time he had an inspiration he sought out a dramatic agent i want to go on the stage in musical comedy let's see you dance i can't dance saying said the agent stop singing added the agent hastily you go away and have a nice cup of hot tea said the agent soothingly and you'll be as right as anything in the morning henry went away a few days later at the bureau his fellow detective Simmons hailed him here you the boss wants you buck up mr. Stafford was talking into the telephone he replaced the receiver as henry entered oh rice there's a woman wants her husband shadowed while he's on the road he's an actor i'm sending you go to this address and get photographs and all particulars you'll have to catch the 11 o'clock train on friday yes sir he's in the girl from brighton company they open at bristol it sometimes seemed to henry as if fate did it on purpose if the commission had had to do with any other company it would have been well enough for professionally speaking it was the most important with which he had ever been interested if he had never met alice weston and heard her views upon detective work he would have been pleased and flattered things being as they were it was henry's considered opinion that fate had slipped one over on him in the first place what torture to be always near her unable to reveal himself to watch her while she desported herself in the company of other men he would be disguised and she would not recognize him but he would recognize her and his sufferings would be dreadful in the second place to have to do his creeping about and spying practically in her presence still business was business at five minutes to 11 on the morning named he was at the station a false beard and spectacles shielding his identity from the public eye if you had asked him he would have said he was a scotch businessman as a matter of fact he looked far more like a motor car coming through a haystack the platform was crowded friends of the company had come to see the company off henry looked on discreetly from behind a stout porter whose bulk formed a capital screen in spite of himself he was impressed the stage at close quarters always thrilled him he recognized celebrities the fat man in the brown suit was walter jeliff the comedian and star of the company he stared keenly at him through the spectacles others of the famous were scattered about he saw alice she was talking to a man with a face like a hatchet and smiling too as if she enjoyed it behind the matted foliage which he had inflicted on his face henry's teeth came together with a snap in the weeks that followed as he dogged the girl from brighton company from town to town it would be difficult to say whether henry was happy or unhappy on the one hand to realize the dalas was so near and yet so inaccessible was a constant source of misery yet on the other he could not but admit that he was having the very dickens of a time loafing around the country like this he was made for this sort of life he considered fate had placed him in a london office but what he really enjoyed was this unfettered travel some gypsy strain in him rendered even the obvious discomforts of theatrical touring agreeable he liked catching trains he liked invading strange hotels above all he reveled in the artistic pleasure of watching unsuspecting fellow men as if they were so many ants that was really the best part of the whole thing it was all very well for alice to talk about creeping and spying but if you considered it without bias there was nothing degrading about it at all it was an art it took brains and a genius for disguise to make a man a successful creeper inspire you couldn't simply say to yourself i will creep if you attempted to do it for your own person you would be detected instantly you had to be in a depth at masking your personality you had to be one man at bristol and another quite different man at hull especially if like henry you were of a gregarious disposition unlike the society of actors the stage had always fascinated henry to meet even minor members of the profession off the boards gave him a thrill there was a resting juvenile of fit-up caliber at his boarding house who could always get a shilling out of him simply by talking about how he had jumped in and saved the show at the hamlets which he had visited in the course of his wanderings and on this girl from brighton tour he was in constant touch with the men who really amounted to something walter jeliff had been a celebrity when henry was going to school and sydney crane the baritone and others of the lengthy cast were all players not unknown in london henry courted them assiduously it had not been hard to scrape acquaintance with them the principles of the company always put up at the best hotel and his expenses being paid by his employers so did henry it was the easiest thing possible to bridge with a well-timed whiskey and soda the gulf between non-acquaintance and warm friendship walter jeliff in particular was particularly accessible every time henry accosted him as a different individual of course and renewed in a fresh disguise the friendship which he had enjoyed in the last town walter jeliff met him more than halfway it was in the sixth week of the tour that the comedian promoting him from mere casual acquaintance ship invited him to come up to his room and smoke a cigar henry was pleased and flattered jeliff was a personage always surrounded by admirers and the compliment was consequently of a high order he lit his cigar among his friends at the green room club it was a unanimously held that walter jeliff's cigars brought him within the scope of the law forbidding the carrying of concealed weapons but henry would have smoked the gift of such a man had it been a cabbage leaf he puffed away contentedly he was made up as an old indian colonel that week and he complimented his host on the aroma of a fine old world courtesy walter jeliff seemed gratified quite comfortable he asked quite i thank you said henry fondling his silver mustache that's right now tell me old man which of us is it your trailing henry nearly swallowed his cigar what do you mean oh come protested jeliff there's no need to keep it up with me i know you're a detective the question is who's the man you're after that's what we've all been wondering all this time all they had all been wondering it was worse than henry could have imagined till now he had pictured his position with regard to the girl from brighton company rather as that of some scientist who's seeing but unseen keeps a watchful eye on the denizens of a drop of water under his microscope and they had all detected him every one of them it was a stunning blow if there was one thing on which henry prided himself it was the impenetrability of his disguises he might be slow he might be on the stupid side but he could disguise himself he had a variety of disguises each designed to befog the public more hopelessly than the last going down the street you would meet a typical commercial traveler dapper and alert a non you encountered a heavily bearded australian later maybe it was a courteous old retired colonel who stopped you and inquired the way to travalgar square still later a rather flashy individual of the sporting type asked you for a match for his cigar would you have suspected for one instant that each of these widely differing personalities was in reality one man certainly you would henry did not know it but he had achieved in the eyes of the small servant who answered the front door bell at his boarding house a well established reputation as a humorous of the more practical kind it was his habit to try his disguises on her he would ring the bell and choir for the landlady and when Bella had gone leap up the stairs to his room here he would remove the disguise and resume his normal appearance and come downstairs again humming a careless error Bella meanwhile in the kitchen would be confiding to her ally the cook that Mr. Rice just came in looking sort of funny again he sat and gaped at Walter Joliff the comedian regarded him curiously you look at least a hundred years old he said what are you made up as a piece of garganzola Henry glanced hastily at the mirror yes he did look rather old he must have overdone some of the lines on his forehead he looked something between a youngish centenarian and a non-agenarian who had seen a good deal of trouble if you know how you were demoralizing the company Joliff went on you would drop it a steady and quiet a lot of boys has ever you met till you came along now they do nothing but bet on what disguise you're going to choose for the next town I don't see why you need to change so often you were all right as the Scotchman at Bristol we were all saying how nice you looked you should have stuck to that or what do you do at Hull but roll in in a scrubbing mustache and a tweed suit looking rotten however all that is beside the point it's a free country if you like to spoil your beauty I suppose there's no law against it what I want to know is who's the man whose track are you sniffing on Bill you'll pardon my calling you Bill you're known as Bill the bloodhound in the company who's the man never mind said Henry he was aware as he made it that it was not a very able retort but he was feeling too limp for satisfactory repartee criticisms in the bureau dealing with his alleged solidity of skull he did not resent he attributed them to man's natural desire to chaff his fellow man but to be unmasked by the general public in this way was another matter that struck at the root of all things but I do mind objected Joliff it's most important a lot of money hangs on it we've got a sweepstake in the company the holder of the winning name to take the entire receipts come on who is he Henry rose and made for the door his feelings were too deep for words even a minor detective has his professional pride and the knowledge that his espionage is being made the basis of sweepstakes by his quarry cuts this to the quick here don't go where are you going back to London said Henry bitterly it's a lot of good my staying here now isn't it I should say it was to me don't be in a hurry you're thinking that now we know all about you your utility as a sleuth is waned to some extent is that it well well why worry what does it matter to you you don't get paid by results do you your boss said trail along well do it I should hate to lose you I don't suppose you know but you've been the best mascot this tour that I've ever come across right from the start we've been playing to enormous business I'd rather kill a black cat than lose you drop the disguises and stay with us come behind all you want be sociable a detective is only human the less of a detective the more human he is and Henry is not much of a detective and his human traits were consequently highly developed from a boy he had never been able to resist curiosity if a crowd collected in the street he always added himself to it and he would have stopped to gape at a window with watch this window written on it if he had been running for his life from wild bulls he was and always had been intensely desirous of someday penetrating behind the scenes of a theater there was another thing at last if he accepted this invitation he would be able to see and speak to Alice Weston and interfere with the maneuvers of the hatchet faced man on whom he had brooded with suspicion and jealousy since that first morning at the station to see Alice perhaps with eloquence to talk her out of that ridiculous resolve of hers why there's something in that he said rather well that settled and now touching that sweep who is it I can't tell you that you see so far as that goes I'm just where I was before I can still watch whoever it is I'm watching dash it so you can I didn't think of that said Jaleef who possessed a sensitive conscience purely between ourselves it isn't me is it Henry eyed him inscrutably he could look inscrutable at times ah he said and left quickly with the feeling that however poorly he had shown up during the actual interview his exit had been good he might have been a failure in the matter of disguise but nobody could have put a more quiet sinisterness in that all it did much to soothe him and ensure a peaceful night's rest on the following night for the first time in his life Henry found himself behind the scenes of a theater and instantly began to experience all the complex emotions which come to the layman in that situation that is to say he felt like a cat who has strayed into a strange hostel backyard he was in a new world inhabited by weird creatures who flitted about in an eerie semi-darkness like brightly colored animals in a cavern the girl from Brighton was one of those exotic productions specially designed for the tired businessman it relied for a large measure of his success on the size and appearance of its chorus and on their constant change of costume Henry as a consequence was the center of a kaleidoscopic quarrel of feminine loveliness dressed to represent such varying flora and fauna as rabbits peresian students colines dutch peasants and daffodils musical comedy is the irish stew of the drama anything may be put into it with the certainty that it will improve the general effect he scanned the throng for a side of Alice often as he had seen the peace in the course of its six weeks wandering in the wilderness he had never succeeded in recognizing her from the front of the house quite possibly he thought she might be on stage already hidden in a rose tree or some other shrub ready at the signal the burst forth upon the audience in short skirts for in the girl from Brighton almost anything could turn suddenly into a chorus girl then he saw her among the daffodils she was not a particularly convincing daffodil but she looked good to Henry with wobbling knees he butted his way through the crowd and seized her hand enthusiastically why Henry where did you come from I'm glad to see you how did you get here I am glad to see you at this point the stage manager bellowing from the prompt box urged Henry to desist it is one of the mysteries of behind the scenes acoustics that a whisper from any minor member of the company can be heard all over the house while the stage manager can burst himself without annoying the audience Henry odd by authority relapsed into silence from the unseen stage came the sound of someone singing a song about the moon June was also mentioned he recognized the song as one that had always bored him he disliked the woman who was singing it a miss Clarice Weaver who played the heroine of the piece to Sydney Crane's hero in his opinion he was not alone miss Weaver was not popular in the company she had secured the role rather as a testimony of personal esteem from the management than because of any innate ability she sang badly acted indifferently and was uncertain what to do with her hands all these things might have been forgiven her but she supplemented them by the crime known in stage circles as throwing her weight about that is to say she was hard to please and when not pleased have to say so in no uncertain voice to his personal friends Walter Jaleef had frequently confided that though not a rich man he was in the market with a substantial reward for anyone who was man enough to drop a ton of iron on miss Weaver tonight the song annoyed Henry more than usual for he knew that very soon the daffodils were due on stage to clinch the verisimilitude of the scene by dancing the tango with the rabbits he endeavored to make the most of the time at his disposal I am glad to see you he said shh said the stage manager Henry was discouraged Romeo could not have made love under these conditions and then just when he was pulling himself together to begin again she was torn from him by the exigencies of the play he wandered moodily off into the dusty semi-darkness he avoided the prompt box once he could have caught a glimpse of her being loath to meet the stage manager just at present Walter Jaleef came up to him as he sat in a box and brooded on life a little less of the double forte old man he said miss weaver has been kicking about the noise on the side she wanted you thrown out but I said you were my mascot and I would die sooner than part with you but I should go easy on the chest notes I think all the same Henry nodded moodily he was depressed he had the feeling which comes so easily to the intruder behind the scenes that nobody loved him the peace proceeded from the point of the house roars of laughter indicated the presence on stage of Walter Jaleef while now and then a lethargic silence suggested that miss Clarice weaver was in action from time to time the empty space about him filled with girls dressed in accordance with the exuberant fancy of the producer of the peace when this happened Henry would leap from his seat and endeavor to locate Alice but always just as he thought he had done so the hidden orchestra would burst into melody and the chorus would be called to the front it was not till late in the second act that he found an opportunity for further speech the plot of the girl from Brighton had by then reached a critical stage the situation was as follows the hero having been disinherited by his wealthy and titled father for falling in love with the heroine a poor shop girl has disguised himself by wearing a different colored necktie and has come in pursuit of her to a well known seaside resort where having disguised herself by changing her dress she is serving as a waitress in the rotunda on the Esplanade the family butler disguised as a bath chairman has followed the hero and the wealthy entitled father disguised as an Italian opera singer has come to the place for a reason which though extremely sound for the moment eludes the memory anyway he is there and they all meet on the Esplanade each recognizes the other but thinks he himself is unrecognized excellent all hurriedly leaving the heroine alone on the stage it is a crisis in the heroine's life she meets it bravely she sings a song entitled my Honolulu Queen with chorus of Japanese girls and Bulgarian officers Alice was one of the Japanese girls she was standing a little part from the other Japanese girls Henry was on her with a bound now was his time he felt keyed up full of persuasive words in the interval which had elapsed since their last conversation yeasty emotions had been playing the dickens with his self control it is practically impossible for a novice suddenly introduced behind the scenes of a musical comedy not to fall in love with somebody and if he is already in love his fervor is increased to a dangerous point Henry felt that it was now or never he forgot that it was perfectly possible indeed the reasonable course to wait till the performance was over and renew his appeal to Alice to marry him on the way back to her hotel he had the feeling that he had got just about a quarter of a minute quick action that was Henry's slogan he seized her hand Alice his the stage manager listen I love you I'm crazy about you what does it matter whether I'm on the stage or not I love you stop that row there won't you marry me she looked at him it seemed to him that she hesitated cut it out Bella the stage manager and Henry cut it out at this moment when his whole fate hung in the balance there came from the stage that devastating high note that is the sign that the solo is over and the chorus are now about to mobilize as if drawn by some magnetic power she suddenly receded from him and went on to the stage a man in Henry's position and frame of mind is not responsible for his actions he saw nothing but her he was blind to the fact that important maneuvers were in progress all he understood was that she was going from him and that he must stop her and get this thing settled he clutched at her she was out of range and getting farther away every instant he sprang forward the advice that should be given to every young man starting life is if you happen to be behind the scenes at a theater never spring forward the whole architecture of the place is designed to undo those who so spring hours before the stage carpenters had laid their traps and in the semi darkness you cannot but fall into them the trap into which Henry fell was a raised board it was not a very highly raised board it was not so deep as a well nor wide as a church door but it was enough it served stubbing it squarely with his toe Henry shot forward all arms and legs it is the instinct of man in such a situation to grab it the nearest support Henry grabbed at the hotel's superb the pride of the Esplanade it was a thin wooden edifice and it supported him for perhaps a tenth of a second then he staggered with it into the limelight tripped over a Bulgarian officer who was inflating himself for a deep note and finally fell in a complicated heap as exactly in the center of the stages if he had been a star of years standing it went well there was no question of that previous audiences had always been rather cold toward this particular song but this one got on its feet and yelled for more from all over the house came rapturous demands that Henry should go back and do it again but Henry was giving no encores he rose to his feet a little stunned and automatically began to dust his clothes the orchestra unnerved by this unrehearsed infusion of new business had stopped playing Bulgarian officers and Japanese girls alike seemed unequal to the situation they stood about waiting for the next thing to break loose from somewhere far away came faintly the voice of the stage manager inventing new words new combinations of words and new throat noises and then Henry massaging a stricken elbow was aware of miss weaver at his side looking up he caught miss weaver's eye a familiar stage direction of melodrama reads exit cautious through gap in hedge it was Henry's first appearance on any stage but he did it like a veteran my dear fellow said Walter Jalif the hour was midnight and he was sitting in Henry's bedroom at the hotel leaving the theater Henry had gone to bed almost instinctively bed seemed the only haven for him my dear fellow don't apologize you've put me under lasting obligations in the first place with your unerring sense of stage you saw just the spot where the piece needed livening up and you livened it up that was good but far better was it that you also sent our miss weaver into violent hysterics from which she emerged to hand in her notice she leaves us tomorrow Henry was appalled at the extent of the disaster for which he was responsible what will you do do why it's what we've all been praying for a miracle which should eject miss weaver it needed a genius like you to come bring it off Sydney Crane's wife can play the part without rehearsal she understudied it all last season in London Crane has just been speaking to her on the phone and she is catching the night express Henry sat up in bed what what's the trouble now Sydney Crane's wife what about her a bleakness fell upon Henry's soul she was the woman who was employing me now I shall be taken off the job and have to go back to London you don't mean that it was really Crane's wife Jalif was recording him with a kind of awe laddie he said in a hushed voice you almost scare me there seems to be no limit to your powers as a mascot you fill the house every night you get rid of the weaver woman and now you tell me this I drew Crane in the sweep I know what I've taken tepence for my chance of winning it I shall get a telegram from my boss tomorrow recalling me don't go stick with me join the troop Henry stared what do you mean I can't sing or act Jalif's voice thrilled with earnestness my boy I can go down the strand and pick up a hundred fellows who can sing and act I don't want them I turn them away but a seventh son of a seventh son like you a human horseshoe like you a king of mascots like you they don't make them nowadays they've lost the pattern if you like to come with me I'll give you the contract for any number of years you suggest I need you in my business he rose think it over laddie and let me know tomorrow look here upon this picture and on that as a sleuth you are poor you couldn't detect a bass drum and a telephone booth you have no future you are merely among those present but as a mascot my boy you're the only thing in sight you couldn't help succeeding on the stage you don't have to know how to act look at the dozens of good actors who are out of jobs why unlucky no other reason with your luck and a little experience you'll be a star before you know you've begun think it over and let me know in the morning before Henry's eyes there rose a sudden vision of Alice Alice no longer unattainable Alice walking on his arm down the aisle Alice mending his socks Alice with her heavenly hands fingering his salary envelope don't go he said don't go I'll let you know now the scene is the strand hard by Bedford Street the time that restful hour of the afternoon when they have the gnarled faces and the bright clothing gathered together in groups to tell each other how good they are hark a voice rather courtage and the governor keep on trying to get me but I turn them down every time no I said to Malone only yesterday not for me I'm going with old Wally Jaliff the same as usual and there isn't the money in the mint that'll get me away Malone got all worked up he it is the voice of Tyfield Rice actor and of Bill the Bloodhound by PG Woodhouse recording by Don Jenkins Rancho San Diego California shaggybark.blogspot.com the Capman Story The Mysteries of a London Growler by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle this Librebox recording is in the public domain reading Bible owner Times the Capman Story The Mysteries of a London Growler we had to take a growler for the day looked rather threatening and we agreed that it would be a very bad way of beginning our holiday by getting wet especially when Fanny was only just coming round from the whooping cough holidays were rather scarce with us and when we took one we generally arranged some little treat and went in for enjoying ourselves on this occasion we were starting off from Hammersmith to the Alexandra Palace in all the dignity of a four-wheeler what with the wife and her sister and Tommy and Fanny and Jack the inside was pretty well filled up so I had to look out for myself I didn't adopt the plan of John Gilpin under similar circumstances but I took my waterproof and climbed up beside the driver the driver was a knowing-looking old veteran with a weather-beaten face and white-side whiskers it has always seemed to me that a London Cabman is about the shrewdest of the human race but this specimen struck me as looking like the shrewdest of the Cabman I tried to draw him out a bit as we jogged along for I am always fond of chat but he was a bit rusty until I oiled his tongue with glass of gin when we got as far as the green anchor then he rattled away quickly enough and some of what he said is worth trying to put down in black and white wouldn't our answer pay me better he said in answer to a question of mine why of course it would but look at the position a four-wheel is a respectable conveyance and the driver of it's a respectable man but you can't say that of a rattling splashing handsome any boy would do for that job now to my mind money ain't to be compared to position whatever men's trade may be certainly not I answered besides I've saved my little pinning and I've got too old to change my ways I've begun on a growler and I'll end on one if you'll believe me sir I've been on the streets for seven and forty years that's a long time I said well it's long for our trade he replied you see there ain't no other in the world that takes the steam out of a man so quickly what with the wet and cold and late hours and maybe no hours at all there's few that lasted it as long as I have you must have seen a deal of the world during that time I remarked there are a few men who can have greater opportunities of seeking life the world he granted flicking up the horse with his whip I've seen enough of it to be well not sick of it as to life if you'd said death you'd have been nearer the mark death I ejaculated yes death he said why bless your soul sir if I was to write down all I've seen since I've been in the trade there's not a man in London would believe me unless maybe some of the other cavities I'll tell you I took a dead man for a fair once and drove about with him not half the night oh you needn't look shocked sir for this wasn't the cab no nor the last one I had neither how did it happen I asked feeling glad in spite of his assurance that Matilda had not heard of the episode well it's an old story now said the driver putting a small piece of very black tobacco into the corner of his mouth I dare say it's 20 odd years since it happened but it's not the kind of thing that slips out of a man's memory it was very late one night and I was working my hardest to pick up something good for I'd made a poor day's work of it the theaters had all come out and though I kept up and down the strand till nine one o'clock I got nothing but one 18 penny job I was thinking of giving it up and going now when it struck me that I might as well make a bit of a circuit and see if I couldn't drop across something pretty soon I gave a gentleman a lift as far as the oxford road and then I drove through st. johnswood on my way home by that time it would be about half past one and the streets were quite quiet and deserted for the night was cloudy and it was beginning to rain I was putting on the pace as well as my tired beast would go for we both wanted to get back to our suppers when I heard a woman's voice hail me out of a side street I turned back and there and about the darkest part of the road was standing two ladies real ladies mind you for it would take a deal of darkness before I would mistake one for the other one was elderly and stoutish the other was young and had a veil over her face between them there was a man an evening dress whom they were supporting on each side while his back was propped up against a lamppost he seemed beyond taking care of himself altogether for his head was sunk down on his chest and he'd have fallen if they hadn't held him cab man said the stout lady with a very shaky voice I wish you would help us with this painful business those were her only identical words certainly one I says for I saw my way to a good thing what can I do for the young lady and yourself I mentioned the other in order to console her like for she was sobbing behind her veil something pitiful the fact is cabman she answers this gentleman is my daughter's husband they have only just been married and we are visiting at a friend's house near here my son-in-law has just returned in a state of complete intoxication and my daughter and I have brought him out in the hope of seeing a cab in which we could send him home for we have most particular reasons for not wishing our friends to see him in this state and as yet they are ignorant of it if you would drive him to his house and leave him there you would do us both a very great kindness and we can easily account to our host for his absence I thought this a rather rough start but I agreed and no sooner had I said the word than the old one she pulls open the door and she and the other without waiting for me to bare a hand bundle him in between them where to I asked 47 orange grove clappen she said Hoffman is the name you'll easily awaken the servants and how about the fare I suggested for I thought maybe there might be a difficulty in collecting it at the end of the journey here it is said the young one slipping what I felt to be a sovereign in my hand and at the same time giving it a sort of grateful squeeze which made me feel as if I drive anywhere to get her out of trouble well off I went leaving them standing by the side of the road the horse was well night beat but at last I found my way to 47 orange grove it was a bigish house and all quiet as you may suppose at that hour I rang the bell and at last down came a servant a man he was I've got the master here I said God who he asked why Mr. Hoffman your master he's in the cab not quite himself this is number 47 ate it yes it's 47 right enough but my master's captain Richie and he's away in India so you've got the wrong house that was the number they gave me I said but maybe he's come to himself by this time and can give us some information he was dead drunk an hour ago down we went to the cab the two of us and opened the door he had slipped off the seat and was lying all in a heap on the floor now then sir I shouted wake up and give us your address he didn't answer I gave another shake pull yourself together I roared give us your name and tell us where you live he didn't answer again I couldn't even hear the sound of breathing then a kind of queer feeling came over me and I put down my hand and felt his face it was as cold as lead the coves dead mate I said the servants struck a match and we had a look at my passenger it was young good-looking fellow but his face were expression of pain and his jaw hung down he was evidently not only dead but had been dead some time what shall we do said the funky he was as white as death himself and his hair bristled with fear I'll drive to the nearest police station I answered and so I did leaving him shivering on the pavement there I gave up my fare and that was the last I ever saw of him did you never hear any more of it I asked here I thought I should never hear the end of it what with examinations and inquest and one thing and another the doctors proved that he must have been dead at the time he was shoved into the cab and just before the inquest four little blue spots came out on one side of his neck and one on the other and they said only a woman's hand could have fitted over them so they brought in a verdict of willful murder but bless you they had managed it so neatly that there was not a clue to the women nor to the man either for everything by which he might have been identified had been removed from his pockets the police were fairly puzzled by that case I've always thought what a bit of luck it was that I got my fare wouldn't have had much chance of it if it hadn't been paid in advance my friend the driver began to get very husky about the throat at this stage of the proceedings and slackened his speed very noticeably as we approached a large public house so that I felt constrained to offer him another gen which he graciously accepted the ladies had some wine too and I followed the example of my companion on the box so that we all started refreshed the police and me's been mixed up a good deal continued the veteran resuming his reminiscences they took the best customer I ever had away from me I'd have made my fortune if they'd let him carry on his little game a little longer here with the cockatry of one who knows that his words are of interest the driver began to look around him with an air of abstraction and to comment upon the weather well what about your customer and the police I asked it's not much to tell he said coming back to his subject one morning I was driving a cross-boxel bridge when I was hailed by a crooked old man with a pair of spectacles on who was standing at the middle sex end with a big leather bag in his hand drive anywhere you like he said only don't drive fast for I'm getting old and it shakes me to pieces he jumped in and shut himself up closing the windows and I trotted about with him for three hours before he'd let me know that he had had enough when I stopped out he hopped with his big bag in his hand I say cabbie he said after he had paid his fare yes sir I said touching my heart you seem to be a decent sort of fellow and you don't go in the break deck way of some of your kind I don't mind giving you the same job every day the doctors recommend gentle exercise of the sort and you may as well drive me as another just pick me up at the same place tomorrow well to make a long story short I used to find the little man in his place every morning always with his black bag and for nigh on to four months never a day passed without his having his three hours drive and paying his fare like a man at the end of it I shifted into new quarters on the strength of it and was able to buy a new set of harness I don't say as I altogether swallowed the story of the doctors having recommended him on a hot day to go about in a growler with both windows up however it's a bad thing in this world to be too knowing though I own I felt a bit curious at times I never put myself out of the way to find out what the little game was one day I was driving tapped to my usual place of dropping him for by this time we had got into the way of going a regular beat every morning when I saw a policeman waiting with a perky sort of look about him as if he had some job on hand when the cap stopped out jumped the little man with his bag right into the arms of the Bobby I arrest you John Malone says the policeman on what charges he answers as cool as turnip on the charge of forging bank of England notes said the Bobby oh then the game is up he cries and with that he pulls off his spectacles and his wig and whiskers and there he was as smart as a young fellow as you'd wish to see goodbye keby he cried as they let him off and that was the last I saw of him marching along between two of them and another behind with the bag and why did he take a cab I asked much interested well you see he had all his plant for making the notes in that bag if he were to lock himself up in his lodging several hours a day it would soon set people wondering to say nothing of the chance of eyes at the window or keyhole again you see if he took a house all on his own hook without servant nor anyone it would look queer so he made up his mind as the best way of working it was to carry it on in a closed cab and I don't know that he wasn't right he was known to the police however and that was how they spotted him trapped that fan it was as near as a touch to my off-wheel bless you if I was to tell you all the thieves and burglars and even murderers as have been in my growl of one time or another you'd think I'd given the whole new gate and calendar a lift though to be sure this young chap as I spoke of was the only one as ever regular set up business in there there was one though as I reckon to be worse than all the others put together if he was what I think him to be it's often laid heavily on my mind that I didn't have the chap collared before it was too late for I might have saved some mischief it was about ten years ago I never was a good hand for dates that I picked up a stout sale sort of fellow with a reddish moustache who wanted to be taken down to the docks after this chap as I told you of had taken such liberties with the premises I'd have a little bit of a glass let in front here the same that your little boy is flattening his nose against at this moment so as I could prevent any such games in the in the future and have an idea whenever I wished of what was going on inside well something or another about the sale of fellow made me suspicious of him and I took a look at what he was after he was sitting on the seat sir with a big lump of coal in his lap and was looking at it most attentive now this seemed to me rather a rum start so I kept on watching him for as you see my window's not a very large one and it's easier to see through it than to be seen well he pulls a spring or something and out jumps one of the sides of this bit of coal and then I saw it was really a hollow box painted you see and made rough so it's to look like the other I couldn't make head or tail of it anyhow and indeed I'd pretty near forgot all about it when that came news of the explosion at Bama heaven and people began to talk about coal torpedoes then I knew as in all probability I'd carried the man who'd managed who managed the business and I gave word to the police but they never could make anything of it you know what a cold torpedo is don't you well you see a Cove ensures his ship for more than its value then off he goes and makes a box like a bit of coal and fills it chock full with dynamite or some other cowardly stuff of the sort he drops this box among the other calls on the quay when the vessel is filling her bunkers and then in course of time box is shoveled onto the furnaces when of course the whole ship is blown sky high they say there's many a good ship gone to the bottom like that you've certainly had some queer experiences I said why bless you remark the driver I've hardly got fairly started yet and here we are at the Alexandria I could tell you many another story as strange as these and true mind you true as gospel if ever your missus looks in need of a breath of fresh air you send round for me Copper Street number 94 and I'll give her a turn in the country and if you'll come up beside me on the box I'll tell you a good deal that may surprise you but there's your little lad a holler into you like mad and the wife wants to get out and the other ones tapping at the window with a parasol take care how you get down sir that's right don't forget number 94 good day missus good day sir and the growler rumbled heavily away until they lost sight both of it and of its communicative driver among the crowd of holiday makers who thronged the road which led to the palace end of the cabin story by sir Arthur Conan Doyle the demon pope by Richard Garnett this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org reading by Greg Marguerite the demon pope by Richard Garnett so you won't sell me your soul said the devil thank you replied the student I had rather keep it myself if it's all the same to you but it is not all the same to me I want it very particularly come I'll be liberal I said 20 years you can have 30 the student shook his head 40 another shake 50 as before now said the devil I know I'm going to do a foolish thing but I cannot bear to see a clever spirited young man throw himself away I'll make you another kind of offer we don't have any bargain at present but I will push you on in the world for the next 40 years this day 40 years I come back and ask you for a boon not your soul mind or anything not perfectly in your power to grant if you give it we are quits if not I fly away with you what do you say to this the student reflected for some minutes agreed he said it last scarcely had the devil disappeared which he did instantaneously ere a messenger reigned in his smoking steed at the gate of the university of Cordova the judicious reader will already have remarked that lucifer could never have been allowed inside a christian seat of learning and inquiring for the student gerbert presented him with the emperor otho's nomination to the abyssey of bobby oh in consideration said the document of his virtue and learning well nine miraculous and one so young such messengers were frequent visitors during gerbert's prosperous career abut bishop archbishop cardinal he was ultimately enthroned pope on april second nine ninety nine and assumed the appellation of sylvester the second it was then a general belief that the world would come to an end in the following year a catastrophe which too many seemed the more imminent from the election of a chief pastor whose celebrity as a theologian though not inconsiderable by no means equal to his reputation as a necromancer the world nonwithstanding revolved scathlessly through the dreaded twelve month and early in the first year of the eleventh century gerbert was sitting peacefully in his study perusing a book of magic volumes of algebra astrology alchemy aristotelian philosophy and other such light reading filled his bookcase and on a table stood an improved clock of his invention next to his introduction of the arabic numerals his chief legacy to posterity suddenly a sound of wings was heard and lucifer stood by his side it is a long time said the fiend since i have had the pleasure of seeing you i have now called to remind you of our little contract concluded this day forty years you remember said sylvester that you are not to ask anything exceeding my power to perform i have no such intention said lucifer on the contrary i'm about to solicit a favor which can be bestowed by you alone you are pope i desire that you would make me a cardinal in the expectation i presume returned gerbert of becoming pope on the next vacancy an expectation replied lucifer which i may most reasonably entertain considering my enormous wealth and proficiency and intrigue and the present condition of the sacred college you would doubtless said gerbert endeavor to subvert the foundations of the faith and by a course of profligacy and licentiousness render the holy sea odious and contemptible on the contrary said the fiend i would extirpate heresy and all learning and knowledge as inevitably tending there on two i would suffer no man to read but the priest and confine his reading to his brevery i would burn your books together with your bones on the first convenient opportunity i would observe an austere propriety of conduct and be especially careful not to loosen one rivet in the tremendous yoke i was forging for the minds and consciences of mankind if it be so said gerbert let's be off what exclaimed lucifer you are willing to accompany me to the infernal regions assuredly rather than be accessory to the burning of plato and Aristotle and give place to the darkness against which i have been contending all my life gerbert replied the demon this is aren't trifling no you not that no good man can enter my dominions that were such a thing possible my empire would become intolerable to me and i should be compelled to abdicate i do know it said gerbert and hence i have been able to receive your visit with composure gerbert said the devil with tears in his eyes i put it to you is this fair is this honest i undertake to promote your interests in the world i fulfill my promise abundantly you obtain through my instrumentality a position to which you could never otherwise have aspired often have i had a hand in the election of a pope but never before have i contributed to confer the tiara on one eminent for virtue and learning you profit by my assistance to the full and now take advantage of an adventitious circumstance to deprive me of my reasonable curtain it is my constant experience that the good people are much more slippery than the sinners and drive much harder bargains lucifer answered gerbert i have always sought to treat you as a gentleman hoping that you would approve yourself such in return i will not inquire whether it was entirely in harmony with this character to seek to intimidate me into compliance with your demand by threatening me with a penalty which you well knew could not be enforced i will overlook this little irregularity and concede even more than you have requested you have asked to be a cardinal i will make you a pope ha exclaimed lucifer and an internal glow suffused his sooty hide as the light of a fading ember is revived by breathing upon it for 12 hours continued gerbert at the expiration of that time we will consider the matter further and if as i anticipate you are more anxious to divest yourself of the papal dignity than you were to assume it i promise to bestow upon you any boon you may ask within my power to grant and not plainly inconsistent with religion or morals done cried the demon gerbert uttered some cabalistic words and in a moment the apartment held two pope silvestres entirely indistinguishable saved by their attire and the fact that one limped slightly with the left foot you will find the pontifical apparel in this cupboard said gerbert and taking his book of magic with him he retreated through a masked door to a secret chamber as the door closed behind him he chuckled and muttered to himself poor old lucifer sold again if lucifer was sold he did not seem to know it he approached a large slab of silver which did duty as a mirror and contemplated his personal appearance with some dissatisfaction i certainly don't look half so well without my horns he soliloquized and i am sure i shall miss my tail most grievously a tiara and train however made fair amends for the deficient appendages and lucifer now looked every inch of pope he was about to call the master of ceremonies and summon a consistory when the door was burst open and seven cardinals brandishing ponyards rushed into the room down with the sorcerer they cried as they seized and gagged him death to saracen practices algebra and other devilish arts knows greek talks arabic reads he brew burn him smother him let him be deposed by a general council said a young and inexperienced cardinal heaven forbid said an old and wary one soto voce lucifer struggled frantically but the feeble frame he was doomed to inhabit for the next 11 hours was speedily exhausted bound and helpless he swooned away brethren said one of the senior cardinals it have been delivered by the exorcists that a sorcerer or other individual in league with the demon doth usually bear upon his person some visible token of his infernal compact i propose that we forthwith institute a search for this stigma the discovery of which may contribute to justify our proceedings in the eyes of the world i heartily approve of our brother ano's proposition said another the rather as we cannot possibly fail to discover such a mark if indeed we desire to find it the search was accordingly instituted and had not proceeded far air a simultaneous yell from all the seven cardinals indicated that their investigation had brought more light than they had ventured to expect the holy father had a cloven foot for the next five minutes the cardinals remained utterly stunned silent and stupefied with amazement as they gradually recovered their faculties it would have become manifest to a nice observer that the pope had risen very considerably in their good opinion this is an affair requiring very mature deliberation said one i always feared that we might be proceeding to precipitately said another it is written the devils believe said a third the holy father therefore is not a heretic at any rate brethren said ano this affair as our brother bano well remarks doth indeed call for mature deliberation i therefore propose that instead of smothering his holiness with cushions as originally contemplated we amure him for the present in the dungeon adjoining here on to and after spending the night in meditation and prayer resume the consideration of the business tomorrow morning informing the officials of the palace said bano that his holiness has retired for his devotions and desires on no account to be disturbed a pious fraud said ano which not one of the fathers would for a moment have scrupled to commit the cardinals accordingly lifted the still insensible lucifer and bore him carefully almost tenderly to the apartment pointed for his detention each would feign have lingered in hopes of his recovery but each felt that the eyes of his six brethren were upon him and all therefore retired simultaneously each taking a key of the cell lucifer regained consciousness almost immediately afterwards he had the most confused idea of the circumstances which had involved him in his present scrape and could only say to himself that if they were the usual concomitance of the papal dignity these were by no means to his taste and he wished he had been made acquainted with them sooner the dungeon was not only perfectly dark but horribly cold and the poor devil in his present form had no latent source of infernal heat to draw upon his teeth chattered he shivered in every limb and felt devoured with a hunger and thirst there is much probability in the assertion of some of his biographers that it was on this occasion that he invented ardent spirits but even if he did the mere conception of a glass of brandy could only increase his sufferings so the long january night wore weirdly on and lucifer seemed likely to expire from in a nation when a key turned in the lock and cardinal ano cautiously glided in bearing a lamp a loaf half a cold roast kid and a bottle of wine i trust he said bowing courteously that i may be excused any slight breach of etiquette of which i may render myself culpable from the difficulty under which i labor of determining whether under present circumstances your holiness or your infernal majesty be the form of address most befitting me to employ bub bub bub bub went lucifer who still had the gag in his mouth heavens exclaimed the cardinal i crave your infernal holiness is forgiveness what a lamentable oversight and relieving lucifer from his gag and bonds he set out the refection upon which the demon fell voraciously why the devil if i may so express myself pursued ano did not your holiness inform us that you were the devil not a hand would have been raised against you i myself have been seeking all my life for the audience now happily vouchsafed me whence this mistrust of your faithful ano who has served you so loyally and zealously these many years lucifer pointed significantly to the gag and fetters i shall never forgive myself protested the cardinal for the part i have borne in this unfortunate transaction next to ministering to your majesty's bodily necessities there is nothing i have so much at heart as to express my penitence but i intrigued your majesty to remember that i believed myself to be acting in your majesty's interest by overthrowing a magician who was accustomed to send your majesty upon errands and who might at any time enclose you in a box and cast you into the sea it is deplorable that your majesty's most devoted servants should have been thus misled reasons of state suggested lucifer i trust they no longer operate said the cardinal however the sacred college is now fully possessed of the whole matter it is therefore unnecessary to pursue this department of the subject further i would now humbly crave leave to confer with your majesty or rather perhaps your holiness since i'm about to speak of spiritual things on the important and delicate point of your holiness's successor i am ignorant how long your holiness proposes to occupy the apostolic chair but of course you are aware that public opinion will not suffer you to hold it for a term exceeding that of the pontificate of peter a vacancy therefore must one day occur and i am humbly to represent that the office could not be filled by one more congenial than myself to the present incumbent or on whom he could more fully rely to carry out in every respect his views and intentions and the cardinal proceeded to detail various circumstances of his past life which certainly seemed to cooperate his assertion he had not however proceeded far ere he was disturbed by the grading of another key in the lock and had just time to whisper impressively beware of bano ere he dived under a table bano was also provided with a lamp wine and cold vians warned by the other lamp and the remains of lucifer's repast that some colleague had been beforehand with him and not knowing how many more might be in the field he came briefly to the point as regarded the papacy and preferred his claim in much the same matter as ono while he was earnestly cautioning lucifer against this cardinal as one who could and would cheat the very devil himself another key turned in the lock and bano escaped under the table where ono immediately inserted his fingers into his right eye the little squeal consequent upon this occurrence lucifer successfully smothered by a fit of coughing cardinal number three a frenchman borah bayon ham and exhibited the same disgust as bano on seeing himself forestalled so far as his requests transpired they were moderate but no one knows where he would have stopped if he had not been scared by the advent of cardinal number four up to this time he had only asked for an inexhaustible purse power to call up the devil at libitum and a ring of invisibility to allow him free access to his mistress who was unfortunately a married woman cardinal number four chiefly wanted to be put into the way of poisoning cardinal number five and cardinal number five preferred the same petition as respected cardinal number four cardinal number six an Englishman demanded the reversion of the archbishop ricks of canterbury and york with the faculty of holding them together and of unlimited non-residents in the course of his harangue he made use of the phrase non-ubstantibus of which lucifer immediately took notice what the seventh cardinal would have solicited is not known for he had hardly opened his mouth when the twelfth hour expired and lucifer regaining his vigor with his shape sent the prince of the church spinning to the other end of the room and split the marble table with a single stroke of his tail the six crouched and huddled cardinals coward revealed to one another and at the same time enjoyed the spectacle of his holiness darting through the stone ceiling which yielded like a film to his passage and closed up afterwards as if nothing had happened after the first shock of dismay they unanimously rushed to the door but found it bolted on the outside there was no other exit and no means of giving an alarm in this emergency the demeanor of the italian cardinals set a bright example to their ultramontane colleagues bisakhna pazienzia they said as they shrugged their shoulders nothing could exceed the mutual politeness of cardinals ano and bano unless that of the two who had sought to poison each other the frenchman was held to have gravely derogated from good manners by eluding to this circumstance which had reached his ears while he was under the table and the englishman swore so outrageously at the plate in which he found himself that the italians then and there silently registered a vow that none of his nation should ever be pope a maxim which with one exception has been observed to this day lucifer meanwhile had repaired to silvestre whom he found to raid in all the insignia of his dignity of which as he remarked he thought his visitor had probably had enough i should think so indeed replied lucifer but at the same time i feel myself fully repaid for all i have undergone by the assurance of the loyalty of my friends and admirers and the conviction that it is needless for me to devote any considerable amount of personal attention to ecclesiastical affairs i now claim the promised boon which it will be in no way inconsistent with thy functions to grant seeing that it is a work of mercy i demand that the cardinals be released and that their conspiracy against thee by which i alone suffered be buried in oblivion i hoped you would carry them all off said gerbert with an expression of disappointment thank you said the devil it is more to my interest to leave them where they are so the dungeon door was unbolted and the cardinals came forth sheepish and crest fallen if after all they did less mischief than lucifer had expected from them the cause was their entire bewilderment by what had passed and their utter inability to penetrate the policy of gerbert who henceforth devoted himself even with ostentation to good works they could never quite satisfy themselves whether they were speaking to the pope or to the devil and when under the latter impression habitually emitted propositions which gerbert justly stigmatized as rash temeritus and scandalous they plagued him with illusions to certain matters mentioned in their interviews with lucifer with which they naturally but erroneously supposed him to be conversant and worried him by continual nods and titterings as they glanced at his nether extremities to abolish this nuisance and at the same time silence sundry unpleasant rumors which had somehow got abroad gerbert devised the ceremony of kissing the pope's feet which in a grievously mutilated form endures to this day the stupefaction of the cardinals on discovering that the holy father had lost his hoof surpasses all description and they went to their graves without having obtained the least insight into the mystery and of the demon pope by rickard garnett