 Hello everybody, this will be airing on my channel on Friday morning. What is Friday's date? Are we almost we're almost halfway through January? Aren't we today is so Friday almost done? What am I thinking? Yes, we're almost done because I am literally a countdown right now to my 40th birthday which I struggle with age so We'll be talking about those attachments later on, but it is Friday on my channel January 27th early The morning to hours of probably today and is usually when I schedule these videos to drop and I am here with one of my besties emmy And we got some how are you doing today emmy? First of all, I always skip that question sometimes because I literally talk to Everyone I'm done with I'm chatting with all day. Anyway, so I'm doing pretty good. I had a I had a major Uh revelation that I'm going to talk about a little bit later in the video today. Um, I'm in a school that takes you through um, a course in miracles the book a course in miracles and the lesson today The lesson today just blew my socks off It was like it was okay, so I'm gonna I'm gonna share a funny the people in our um, our course community It's called living the course if anybody ever wants to look it up Um, it's closed for this year, but you can get on the wait wait list for next year if you want to join but When we have these huge deep revelations like the one I had today they call them course gasms Perfect like this revelation I had today. I mean I I was just like Beaming from ear to ear. I was crying. I had snot bubbles like you name it It was it was just it was amazing You're gonna be on tv He's cute So yeah, I just yeah, I'm just kind of reeling from that I kind of feel like I'm in the twilight zone like like I just seen a blue sky for the first time or something it's it's just like Wow I love that of course gads and then we'll get later it we'll get into this later Because we're going to look at the astrology too because we got some pretty uh gnarly things going on in the uh And the potion I'll call it god's potion right his his potion of prescriptions His his alchemy for for what's going on with us And I will say there was one time any and we're going to get deeper into this because sometimes I do feel like Our ego has to be pushed To the place of total despair In order to have some breakthroughs And I will never forget this one moment and we say this in yoga We have samadhi which is like one of the limbs which means total oneness with god And you'll have like samadhi with a capital s and samadhi with a lower case s So there's moments where you kind of get it but moments where you really get it But then you'll kind of come back down again And this was definitely a moment for me with samadhi with the capital s I at the time I was going through like this really devastating breakup And you know breakups can be very dramatic They're their own telenovela sometimes we look back and we like giggle at how ridiculous we were in a breakup And I remember driving into my apartment complex And I was just so devastated and I was in that just pit of despair And all of a sudden I felt this like wave come over me where like my energy lifted up But it was it didn't leave my body it just lifted off and I realized In that moment That nothing was real that this was all an illusion a hologram Created for me to understand and for that moment driving into my apartment complex. I started laughing Because it was the it was hysterical to me that I was so upset over something that wasn't even real And I know that sounds crazy for people who are just new to this journey But then all of a sudden I came right back down into myself and I was devastated again But I remembered that I remembered that like it was yesterday that feeling of having that realization And not only was it was it not real But everything was all kind of a mirror of my own soul And somebody else's because we're all connected anyway We're all one soul a fractal we're fractal of one big soul anyway And so I was really just experiencing myself as a soul and that realization hit me And it made me like giggle for a moment. I was like holy shit. This is absolutely hysterical Like why am I so upset? Like My ex is literally a fractal of me as well And even though we're a part we're always together because we're all one and We're just all knowing each other. We're knowing our own selves Which is one anyway and then I went back back down and became devastated again You know, so you have these like moments of clarity in this crazy hologram that we call life You know, um, and so so but uh, but yeah, I love that course course asms course gasms course gasms If you're watching if your wife is having more course gasms doing her shadow work You might need to step it up a little bit Oh my gosh Okay, so I just wanted to talk about um The astrology a little bit what's just one piece of the astrology. There's so much So much going on so much going on but what what's What's going to be good is that in february we have energies coming in and and maybe we can do another show in february but we have we have energies coming in that are going to be beautifully supportive of of the The growth and whatever it it was that came up for you during this this period of time from december Second until february fifth Which is that your birthday day after is it the fourth it's the fourth. It's the day after my birthday, of course Of course the universe is like t yeah All right, so Starting on december 2nd um, we had a yad form and what a yad is is a An aspect pattern in astrology. It's nicknamed the finger of god because you know in in a natal chart a yad is One of the rarer um aspect patterns Not, you know impossible, but it's it's a little bit more rarer than some of the other aspect patterns that that we see So they call it the finger of god because it is is hyper focused on the Apex or the point the tip of the triangle a yad is a triangle It's a very long skinny triangle So you have this short base at the bottom and then you have these two very long aspects called queen kunks Up to the point of the triangle at the tip of the triangle is the south node and the south node is It's where we've been like past life stuff Um, it's we're bringing in the wounds that we that we had but we're also bringing in The gifts and abilities that we've had in past lives So those gifts and abilities were being activated in a lot of people Simultaneously with the wounds that we need to to be to be healed So which is why the last couple months for many people have been so difficult There's just been this inescapable Heaviness in the heart space of these collective wounds that we've carried with us from from past lives and And they're they're being activated and highlighted by the current situation that you're in right now So the south node is at the tip of this triangle And again, it represents your gifts and talents and also your repressed wounds from From the past now the south node is in scorpio and scorpio can represent all of the repressed pain So it's really really amplified on these wounds. It's it's just really accentuated almost inescapable And then at the bottom of the triangle you have kairan And kairan is I've heard it called a comment. I've heard it called an asteroid. I've heard it called a planet You know, whatever you want to call this this body kairan Is named after A greek centaur and the centaur was a healer and Paradoxically, he couldn't heal his own wound. So or wounds. So so kairan is named after That and it's nicknamed the wounded healer And in the other spot is mars. So you have kairan in aries Mars and gemini at the bottom of this Triangle and together i'm just looking at my notes here together. They can activate energy The energy needed to accomplish this goal So and by energy needed. I mean our constant focus on this really hefty almost oppressive feeling in in the heart space um So I know that's not really, you know The kind of energy that we want because it's so difficult But it did give us the energy to be able to look at this stuff um So this yad is like screaming shadow work shadow work shadow work shadow work and especially if you're in this community You know, we're we're all healers whether you have a modality or not You're you're you could be the healer in your family You could be um the tiebreaker in generational stuff. You could be um healing ancestral wounds Like if you are drawn to The body of work that brice puts forth and and the stuff that I have on my channel if you're drawn to that You're probably a healer And so a lot of people in this community have have felt Similarly, it's just it's been a rough couple months. It really has Now today and tomorrow Chiron is making a square to mercury And squares are the kinds of aspects that are Are motivating they kind of get a bad rap because they they produce this tension And tension is often perceived as bad But without the tension or or the fire under our ass, we're not going to do anything about it, right? so When chiron and mercury are making an interaction It's all about our words the words that we use to harm ourselves or harm others and conversely the words that we use to heal ourselves and heal others so if If you have someone in your life who is um New to speaking their truth Just have a little compassion because it may not come out with love And and also if if you are feeling the need to speak your truth Do it absolutely do it mars and gemini is very activating to the throat chakra However, a common pitfall is that we don't speak our truth with love We just want to get it. We just want to hurry up and get it out, especially if it's something that Has seemed to has been like repressed or or stuck and you just haven't been able to get yourself to the point to speak it out We just want to hurry up. We know hurry up and get it out But we don't oftentimes we don't do that with love. So just just be mindful of of your words the next couple of days And and how they affect yourself and and others um So, yeah, this this is that's the end of my nose. I was just looking at at my page here but but yeah, that's what we've had going on the last couple of months and um Myself in particular I have really had to pull back and cocoon Because some of these these energies and these feelings and different things that were coming up Were so deep and so heavy um It just it felt really oppressive and it it was just it was almost inescapable And for me what was coming up is my My cptsd was being activated from past abuse abuse from childhood growing up abuse from the beginning of my relationship with my husband and So that was I believe the the wounds Or wound from this life and from past lives that were being highlighted for me And my ptsd kept my cptsd kept getting Retriggered over and over and over And the revelation I had today Was that Now let me gather my thoughts here because this is I'm still chewing on this it was so big So when you grow up in a situation where there is Perpetual abuse what happens to the child's nervous system is they become trauma bonded Their nervous system gets wired in a way that Expects or attracts the abusive behavior followed by lots of love bombing And as the child grows up they attract more people that do the same things they abuse And then love bomb And what we don't realize Is that when the abuse stops or when we get out of situations that are abusive We do it to ourselves because our nervous system is wired that way We are conditioned to unconsciously or subconsciously believe that in order to be loved we have to be hurt first In order to have You know this these feelings of of good come in we have to feel bad first And so we will unconsciously or subconsciously perpetuate these kinds of situations to create that cycle in our nervous system It's so subtle and so deep and so unconscious that The healing comes in layers. I've been working on this stuff for a very long time a couple decades See and this layer was peeled off today. That was just So massive So what was what's being triggered for me is My husband's alcoholism Now he he does not do the things that he did in the beginning of my relationship and my dad was also an alcoholic Similar types of abuse. My dad's no longer alive. He's not in the picture So my husband went through some changes recently And those changes he just kind of fell into his crutch and he's drinking more. He's not doing anything He's not being abusive. He's he's just drinking more and this This drinking more is triggering my PTSD because I keep thinking in my mind I'm afraid that he's going to call me names. I'm afraid that he's going to yell at me for hours I'm afraid that he is going to punch a hole in the wall. I'm afraid that he is going to call me names I'm afraid of all these things that are not happening That happened in the past. They don't exist right now But this wound is being triggered regardless And my mind my conditioning my ego is taking me to the past And reliving all of these things even if they're not happening So my mind my ego Is attacking me. I'm attacking myself and creating this cycle It's like it was it's like the egos autoimmune disorder Yeah If you have an autoimmune disorder, which both emi and I have been diagnosed that your nervous system is attacking itself The ego is attacking itself basically. Yeah, because I have CPTSD as well. I understand what you're saying 100% It it is mind-blowing and and I'm not you know, I'm I'm not negating or Um discrediting anyone's experience, you know, this this is a real thing, especially if you are in a situation Where you are experiencing abuse Um, you know, it's important for us to stand up for ourselves to set boundaries to enforce those boundaries And if the people do not respect our boundaries, then maybe we have to you know Leave or or surround ourselves with different people, you know The situation with my husband and I once I started standing up for myself and setting boundaries Yeah, rocked the boat a little bit But he respected that and eventually he changed And in the same thing, you know with with other people and so, you know, really have to look at your situation Your your individual situation. I'm I'm definitely not saying if you're in an abusive situation to stay Definitely not it's a after it's the aftermath of the abuse So what envy is saying is like it does the abuse does not exist anymore But this is the aftermath of of the of the imprint it's made on on the false sense of self So when we say ego, we're not talking about again, we're not talking about like the jock Everybody has a false sense of self, right? And so it's that false sense of self imprinting On the the biggest predictor for future behavior is past behavior And so I said to you, I mean this morning like someone says you want something that really affected me like It's not the future we fear. It's it's the it's the past repeating itself That we fear and that's part of that trauma and and a lot of people so it's your body starts to react because something triggered that and she's saying it's that realization That all her husband's doing is just drinking. That's all he's picking up a beer and drinking it But there's no but her her identity has already associated that with something bad And I'll let you go on any because I think that's so important that what you're saying like this is the after Yes, yeah the after effect So who I really am who you are? Um, brice and who you are watching this video You are a perfect complete whole innocent Being you you are untouchable There is nothing anybody can do or say To harm who you really are The essence of who you really are is god Nothing can harm god nothing can kill god nothing can destroy god nothing can uh, you know If we believe say someone calls you a name if we believe That we are that name We are identifying and attaching to a what brice said a false sense of our self Because who we really are is perfect. We're perfect. We're innocent Um, we are love. We are light. Nothing can really hurt that but if we believe we are this false sense of self this character Then when someone calls us a name and and we're hurting from that We're in agreement with what they said. We believe what they said even if intellectually. Oh, I know. I'm not a stupid idiot Intellectually, I know that but somewhere within me Something about me believes what that person said and I agree with it. And so therefore our suffer is I I don't I hope I'm explaining it. All right. It's so hard This is one of the hardest concepts when you first start the spiritual journey You know, I always say spirituality is about you knowing your own spirit and knowing your own soul And I mean, this is the whole crux of the yoga sutras, right? It's what is prakriti? What is parusha prakriti is the false sense of self which is also nature And parusha is the soul. It's the it's the eternal soul And patan jaleen says the cause of human suffering is what emi just summed it up. You are confusing Your false sense of identity with your eternal self So my eternal self is not brice Emmy's eternal self is not emi If we look at past lives, let's say in the life before this I was some some schmuck named joe That's not who my soul is it was just For that moment what my soul that's the costume my soul decided to put on now Like my soul is put on the costume of brice with that being says is emi said that doesn't mean that you disrespect yourself Because this costume this avatar. We have a nervous system We have the propensity for things like cptsd Um trauma responses so that we can't the soul can use that if that's the friction What emi is talking about so that's her friction. I have cptsd too I know it's again. That's complex post-traumatic stress disorder and again the biggest difference between ptsd and cptsd From my trauma therapist from what she said is ptsd Is way easier to treat than cptsd ptsd is like one event happens a major car accident or you're at a war and something blows up and you are Immediately shifted your your nervous system immediately goes into a shift Because of that event cpsd However these layers of abuse and it's usually very covert sometimes there is overt But a lot of it's mixed with very covert Abuse and so as an adult and emi's right. You are triggering I for a long time Now I admit I like bad boys I've always dated boys that are covered in tattoos One time I dated a boy for a long time who were skinny jeans aka girls jeans and guy liner like I that's just kind of But with that being said I always because of my relationship with my dad. I interpreted love Is that there was a lot of pain involved and there was a lot of yelling and screaming And I interpreted that love as passion that was passion And it took going through that multiple times for me to realize well one night I almost lost my life because of it, but to go into therapy to realize I was clinging to a reality that wasn't true And but here's the beautiful thing about true spirituality Just like in the ashtanga practice which emi has been diving headfirst into the ashtanga practice Is the ashtanga practice of yoga is one of the most intense physical exercises you will ever do Um, we were just talking off camera about how much it changes your body I mean we have a joke in ashtanga where when people get started We call people get ashtanga rexic because all of a sudden they just start losing a bunch of weight because you're burning I mean it's very intense And um very high intensity But what the beauty of that is it's so physically intense is that that you're actually saying, okay You think you're your body Well, then let's work your body Let's use that then if that's who you think you are Let's pull it and push it and move it and shape it and mold it and make it stronger and make it do So that these these held ideas about yourself can surface And then once they surface to a point of I mean we've talked about emi there days I I've crawled to my yoga mat days you have to where you're crying and you're a hot mess on your yoga mat because the reality Of what you think you are the hidden parts of you the shadow that you don't that you do think you are But you don't want people to know start to surface And so as you start to massively dive headfirst into this fault sense of self Only then can that friction come for you to go? Oh But i'm not that I'm not my experiences I'm not that at all This is just my experience Now in this life So um, so yeah, and with the cpsd. I mean i'm not i'm not trying to make a light I don't think emi's trying to make light of it either. It's very serious. Um, I myself have had major Um, I mean i've talked about I have a weight blanket I I sleep under and this is something that i'll probably deal with emi will probably deal with these little roller coasters for the rest of our lives But but our souls picked that I was just reading with kairon while you were speaking emi about it how he is the entity that uses his wounds as medicine and that Is the crux of what the yoga sutras are saying which is you take those wounds And that's the alchemist right and you transmute them to your medicine my Relationships with men before my early thirties Was so toxic that it all I almost lost my life But i'm so grateful that I went through that because I had an incredible trauma therapist Who really used eastern philosophy with me at emdr therapy with me to help me understand Where I myself was not healed And through that I had somebody a therapist can be like a teacher helping you see those parts of yourselves And after that happened I saw a shift in the men all of a sudden naturally I was just attracting really nice guys Who were still covered in tattoos and still Skateboarded and did yoga and all that kind of stuff But really nice guys that were very good have been very good to me and very a very healthy relationships and I have not Since since going through that i'm not attracted a man who was abusive. I'm not attracted a man who You know so that side of me was was healed And so I you know it's it's actually when you start to see that Your wounds do become your medicine Yeah, absolutely Absolutely, and you know if you have a really difficult person in your life Um if you can try I know it's so hard. It's so hard when we're triggered But if you could try to look past the person or the people or the situation And try to find the wound that's being triggered um These situations will will go away. I'm going to share a trigger. Um It was a financial trigger and I I kept having this trigger come up um Over and over and over and it was the same thing and I kept journaling about the same thing and I'm like What am I not getting about this? What am I not getting? and What I didn't realize was that every time I would journal about it and um Relate it to the three beliefs of ego. Um, I got I learned about the three beliefs of ego from erin abtki's YouTube channel and he's got A series of videos in there called spiritual intelligent where he spiritual intelligence where he goes through and Explains this stuff and explains a certain type of journaling on how to work through catalysts or triggers And so I I used that journaling exercise repeatedly Um as I was working through this trigger and once once the trigger was through work through it was financial Trigger and and what it was was my husband and I growing up had the same Wounds we grew up very very poor. We had lack Uh Lack or poverty mindset And our behavior was opposite though My behavior growing up in a very poor family was to sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice to the nth degree to make sure the bills were paid Bill's behavior my husband's behavior was oh, I need to hurry up and buy what I want and need before the money's gone on the bills So our behavior was was opposite, but it was stemming from the same wound Well, once we worked through the that wound together And and were triggered enough by each other's behavior His behavior triggered me my behavior triggered him But once we worked through um this trigger enough times and just finally got it our financial health Shifted and changed And it it changed and shifted so quickly. We were both like What the heck just happened here? It was it's just it's just amazing And that's what that's literally what happens like when I healed that wound with dating terrible men all the sudden terrible men weren't coming around anymore Yeah, it's like you you you heal the wound and you're That that junk is gone that lower vibrational stuff is gone. And so your your left lighter your vibration is higher and then you attract More energy new energy and money is just a form of energy And because our mindsets were changing we healed these wounds We attracted we attracted more money and it's just like it's so hard to see money as energy because The way that we grow up like we're we're taught that if you want money you have to work harder You have to put more time in you have to do this do that I don't necessarily think it's anything that you Do because if you chase something the more you chase it the farther away it's going to get But if you do the work You can attract it It's it's so it's so amazing It is stuff is just and you know, it doesn't look like What you think it would look like like I've read so many books on law of attraction And why can't I get this and why isn't why am I not raising my vibration high enough and you know, it it's just It doesn't look like I thought it would look at all It doesn't feel like I thought it would feel it doesn't happen the way that I thought it would happen Boppity boo hocus pocus. There it is. It's the best of problem I have like with the secret as they make it sound. Oh just change your mind around it Well, no, if you're having if you're following that that doctrine and you're having a hard time Manifesting what you want. Well, that means that there's a wound inside of you that's still uncured and unattended And so that's why I mean that's that was one of the simplest things that was so mind-blowing for me when I realized that like Okay, so I keep having crappy job after crappy job after crappy job or crappy boyfriend after crappy boyfriend after crappy boyfriend Well, what's the common denominator? It's me or whoever is watching Well, you're Psyche your soul if your soul doesn't give a shit Remember you are not your soul So your soul doesn't give a shit how you as the faults of the self are feeling Your soul only purpose is to take the exam Take the test take the course of this life to learn itself And so if there's a part of your life that's being neglected and not healed It's going to keep attracting things into it to be the catalyst For your healing So it's going to bring in another crappy boss or crappy job or it's going to bring in another crappy boyfriend until you finally go Ha, okay. I see what you're doing. I need to work on me. I need to figure out what in me is not Being healed being attended to that keeps pulling this in Right. It's like a highlighter. It's like taking a highlighter and being like, okay I'm going to highlight this part because this wound is not healed in you And your soul's like listen here dumbass like this is why I came to earth was to fix this shit We didn't come to earth to look pretty and eat popcorn and you know watch reality tv We came to earth to actually go to earth school Like you got into the harvard of planets earth, you know earth school is the hardest Third density to be in so we're going to do this course You know and and until you actually it's like, you know, I'm not a parent But if you have a child in school and they're struggling with with the subject, let's say They're struggling with math and all their other subjects are great, but they're really struggling in math Well parents will do anything they'll work with them with flashcards get a tutor really help them figure out where the There's nothing something's not connecting with the subject It's the same thing your soul's going. Okay little chickadee like We need to look at this and when it's healed all of a sudden there's no need once it's healed There's no need for the lesson anymore Yeah Yeah, it's like with the the relationship thing um I I'd get so mad I'd get so mad like Why can't I Find a good guy like what when I was dating why why can't I like I I'd feel so Like I just I just placed everything outside of me like I was the victim There's nothing wrong with me. I'm so nice. How do you how can you do this to me? Like I'm just so nice like like what is the problem here and and and that's the thing I was focusing everything outward and like what brice is saying everything that happens to us in this life Is meant to clue us in on what we need to learn how we need to grow what we need to look at to heal So I was so attached and so focused on um wanting to be Loved in a certain way that I wasn't seeing that all of these experiences were showing me That I needed to heal something within myself and I had no idea I had no idea I I would just get so angry and so fed up and I and that would push me further into feeling like a victim Like I was just helpless. Yeah helpless I will say too. It's all like so like if you can't find love where you're not loving yourself If you feel like you've been trained where have you betrayed yourself? I mean shanti talks about this and I will say something so in the chat earlier today in our signal group They're talking about codependency And so I want to kind of talk about that a little bit too like what is codependency So a lot of this too comes back to a sense of self And what I mean by self is I'm not talking about the small self the small self with the lowercase s Which is the false identity the false sense of self. I'm talking about the self with a capital s Which is the soul it's that being able to anchor into yourself you know and so With things like codependency if that's something that someone struggles with that that's something they're they're learning they struggle with Codependency it doesn't mean that you're constantly hanging out with people and doing things with people Like you could have a very close-knit family a close-knit group of friends and you just enjoy Spending time with them that doesn't mean you're codependent What that means a codependent from a mental health perspective means that you are dependent upon Another person outside of yourself to give you a sense of self Okay, that's codependency and that's when you see the unhealthy relationships Where one person in the relationship is dependent upon usually see this with narcissistic impacts Where one person becomes dependent upon the other person to give them a sense of self and whenever you're reaching outside of yourself To define yourself It's always going to be problematic because that's within you And so it's always about you and resting into you who you are and it's the same thing. So it's the same thing with like Dating bad men Where is that? Love wound into you that needs to be that needs the neosporin and the band aid and the kiss boo boo better You know make it better on the only you can really, you know, no one I I know emmy's been through a lot of programs I've been through therapy yoga the therapist the teacher is literally like sitting there giving you the template But you do the work there is no magical pill where you go into a yoga course or Therapy or a 12-step program or whatever it is where a reiki session where someone says, okay Here's your pill. Just take it and you'll be better. No It is you doing the work with someone. They're showing you the steps Yeah codependency is is very very common um, it also shows up in relationships with um addiction And and it doesn't it's it's not always in romantic relationships either like I was very I was very codependent very codependent I have a video on my youtube channel. It's one of the earlier videos that I put up Shortly after the channel was was formed It's called codependency and trauma bonding and I go through and I Explain what both of them are and different things that you can do to help yourself a really good book On codependency is called codependent no more by melody beady That book was life changing for me. I I read that when my oldest three boys were really young and um, I was in a narcissistic narcissistic relationship with my um ex-husband for 17 years And so that book was very very very eye-opening for me and it showed me that I was not only codependent with my ex-husband. I was codependent with my alcoholic sister I was codependent with a couple of uh friends that were abusive um, and and really what like what brice was saying I I got this sense of value from being needed I needed you to need me And I I didn't feel loved or valued unless I was Being needed and and what a codependent person does is they enable They enabled the narcissist or the abuser or the addict To continue with their self-destructive behavior They also rescue For example one thing that I was doing with my sister. She was an alcoholic. She would get drunk And she would get lost and she would be Somewhere where she didn't know and she would call me in the middle of the night And try to describe to me where she was And I would have to go find her You know and and that was I was rescuing her I was enabling her to continue with this destructive behavior and But when I would go pick her up and I would save her I would feel like Oh, you know, I'm I'm so valuable. I'm helping her like yeah needed to be needed like that that sense of self I needed someone else to need me to feel like I was anything And Yeah, it's just and it's so subtle. It's so subtle like Even Even with what I just went through with my PTSD being activated like that is a part of trauma bonding And I have been working through this and working through this and you know, I think that I'm I get to a level where I'm well And then something like this will come up again and it's like nope. There's still a little bit that needs to be addressed here um You know, so it's just very very eye-opening how When our nervous system gets wired in a certain way healing is a very long process It takes a very long time And it can get easy to get frustrated with yourself like seriously I have to do this again like I just visited like I just You know, it's just so frustrating sometimes. It's like I thought I was done with this I thought I passed this class Well, I'm glad you talked about the subtlety to emi and I will say because um, I I know when I went through my therapy because I attracted narcissists like crazy I'm definitely the in path The in a romantic relationship where I will be the codependent on a romantic relationship Um, which obviously I learned to value my sense of self as a child because I was around a shit ton of narcissists as a child Um, and so that was my survival mechanism. That's what I what I understood to be real And it's interesting because my therapist would say to me like Because I thought I remember going into therapy when I first started every week I would go to my therapist. I would have found another Personality disorder that I thought I was That's how I know so much about personality disorders and every week my therapist would say this is not you then finally one week she was like Bryce You are a very healthy minded person We just need to tweak some things She she's like you have a very tender heart We just need to fix a few things. You do not have any of these disorders you because I was trying to see Oh, this is why i'm broken. This is because of this again putting something on outside disorder That's not my you know myself right putting it on something else And she was like in the fact that you actually think you have all these disorders means you probably don't People who have these disorders don't think they have them anyway So I remember her saying that to me and then she said let's look at this codependency Let's look at this one area of your life where you're showing signs of codependency She goes let's look at your whole life as a whole And she goes you got on an airplane by yourself And went to india You got on an airplane by yourself and you traveled all over the world But india was the focus because I was going to a school where I was going to be working very hard And she goes and you knew no one And you knew it was going to be a lot of really this is In between my trips to india. I was going to be going back Event actually when when I was dismissed from therapy when I said as she said I think we're done here Was right before I went on another trip to india She goes this is a perfect time universe is telling you it's time for you go fly free little bird, you know Um, and she goes so let's look at this So she goes like in a lot of ways and you're and you know the complexity of you You're you're very centered in who you are You're very centered You you do things by yourself all the time that a lot of people would never do by themselves But in this one area of your life You're a little bit we need to tweak this we need to figure out why it is You keep repeating these patterns with men and why you become because I'm very you know I don't I wouldn't call myself an alpha female, but I'm very um I'm a very strong personality I will do things by myself. I I don't mind doing things by myself. I will get shit done I'm not submissive in life Except in these relationships. I would cal down I would cower down you know, I would You know, I didn't want to and it's you're right at me like when the the abuse would start And then the love bombing came after that and if you've been through that that cycle of being abused Knocked down called all sorts of names And then the love bombing that the the intensity of the abuse is matched With the intensity of the love bombing So then all of a sudden you're on cloud nine because this person is so sorry and they really need you And so you have to unwind that all the way, you know in my mdr sessions my therapist never even focused on my boyfriend We went all the way back to my dad Back to me being an eight-year-old and that started to unwind Where I felt the need To for this one aspect of my life Then needed to be healed really massively healed and so I want to want to make that clear like emmy's right They're subtle things when you're talking about something like codependency You could have a person in your life that's like it was like me that very independent Very grounded in who they were have really healthy friendships, but yet they always date assholes And you don't know why you're like why is this person doing this? Why are they cowering down? You know, we've all had those friends that were like this chick is so much better than her boyfriend Like this doesn't match but yet she cowers down That's that wound and that's where that codependency is because that one part of yourself is broken. It needs to be fixed You know and and so and and honestly, I know this sounds so cliche and so cheesy, but The journey of healing again, I would never I learned I gained so much wisdom Over being able to see the complexity of my own self that way And I'm not saying I'm perfect. We all slip up and end up back in old patterns again, but I now recognize it What I know what it is I know and it's like you said the ego is trying to Attack itself, right? So and that's the beauty of it because how many people are in these positions and they have no clue What's actually going on? They just think they have bad luck How much power do you gain when you go? Wait a minute the only person who can fix this is me And I I'm not going to fix it by just sitting there and saying okay. I'm going to change my mind I'm going to change my mindset. No, you have to go back and rework the patterning because there's a patterning there You know the mind the mind is just one part I mean you have you have your thoughts, which is your mind you have your emotions and you have your actions If you don't have all three going on Moving in the same direction You're going to continue to attract what What what you always attracted? Yeah, it's it's multifaceted um law of attraction and manifestation is um It it's it's not just about changing your mind or your mindset. There's more Um facets to it that they have to be addressed Simultaneously Yeah, and the changes subtle too. So after I was dismissed from therapy and I went back to india Then I came back and I was not going to date for a while I'll give you guys a clue like what what she's saying it's And after when I went on a date with a guy and I didn't know like if he wanted to be my boyfriend Or if this was like just hanging out his friends, but my best friend who is a gay guy Um up in canada chris. I was talking to him and he was like, we'll just go and hang out and see what happens And so I'm hanging out with this guy. He cooks me a meal We're sitting down talking having a great conversation great night and then the end of the night. I I just leave And I got in the car and I called my friend chris and I was like I was like, I think that was a date, but he didn't even try to kiss me and my friend chris goes. I like this guy He's he's showing you respect and over the course of time We ended up being together and it was always very respectful And that's the subtle change because I was like, oh The drama the drama isn't there anymore because it doesn't need to be there anymore because I that's healed now You know and so it is very subtle like with you with the money like all of a sudden Money just started coming Very subtle wasn't like fireworks went off in the sky and god came down and was like good job my child. No So I always laugh about that when when I tell the story when I got authorized Because you know when you go to india to study you're not going for authorization because there's no Application you just get authorized one day or you don't like it just happens. I'll never forget. I when I got authorized I was in the shallow practicing and Strut walks up and he's like you might come to my office 3 p.m. Whatever Whole day. I was freaking out thinking I've done something wrong. That's my cptsd, right? It has to be something bad, right? It can't be something good and I go in there and I'm nervous He was like, have I authorized you yet? And I said no sir and he goes, okay I authorized you now and so we authorized me. I'm sitting there and I was like, oh That's it. Like I like holding my authorization paper and I was like, where are the fireworks? Like and I just walked out with a piece of paper and I was like, oh, okay authorized now Like if there's no you know and and um and so yeah, anyway, but and that's and that's what I you know Throughout this this time using the astrology, which I do think is god's potion astrology It's god's calendar and god's potion to be like, okay, we're gonna poke the bear We're gonna kick the hornet sense a little bit to see To see what you do. It's like in the sofia code where she says we're watching. I'm watching you with great curiosity You are loved you are a part of me, but I'm gonna watch you with great curiosity to see How you do this and it's interesting because what any saying about it also is a huge uh A huge part in the uh, I was telling her in my bookcase. I had a course of miracles right next to my rom-dos common parry Paths to god living the bag of a key to which is saying the exact same message. They're all saying the same message Your soul is perfect and complete Don't confuse it with your fault since the self your fault since the self It's just the roller coaster ride you're on in this life Some lives we ride the spinning teacups. I want to throw up every five minutes Next life. We're on the lazy boat where we're just gliding through it's a small world after all with no ups and downs and just smooth sailing When I was telling any I love bug by gita was one of the most life changing books I ever read it's the first time in any um hen do scripture where yoga is ever mentioned And it's a very small part of a bigger book the bug of a gita And again, one of my favorite commentaries is rom dos's commentary on the bug of a gita And you can see my book is so old and it's like pages of turn color. I've got so many underlying places But I said to emmy this is something I'd underlined probably 10 years ago in this book Which she was telling me off camera about her realization and I flipped to this page page 147 I'd underline this again like probably 10 years ago The trouble is We can only tell the truth when we cease to identify with the parts of ourselves that we think we need to protect And that is the parts of ourselves that emmy wanted to protect That anybody that has trauma responses want to protect. That's the fault sense of self Because the true self doesn't need protection. It just is the the true self is invulnerable Indestructible untouchable Yeah Now again disclaimer if you're being abused that does not mean that you take the abuse because your soul is Get yourself out of that situation. We're talking about the after effect of the nervous system and learning how as patanjaleen says at the end of the second Pada you're learning how to control your senses The senses are going to do what the senses are going to do You know emmy and I and I know a lot of people watching have also been formally diagnosed with CPTSD as well Probably never going to fully go away. It's probably always going to be kind of in your system You're now with your work are able to now spot it for what it is. Ah as emmy said I see you ego You artful little dodger you you sneaky little son of a bitch I'll give you props. You could be quite clever at times, but I see you You know and once you see it, you can't unsee it Yeah, so Well, I know you guys I want to also kind of go through since so this is the book I'm talking about paths to god living the bug of agita. I would recommend anybody getting this commentary on the bug Like ita also a course in miracles. I will put a link to a course in miracles You can you can order a course in miracle on amazon. I'll also put a link to the the Course that emmy's talked about live. I was just looking at it before we signed on I'll put a link to that down below But do you mind if we take a look at the upcoming shadow work together to go through some of the stuff with our viewers quickly? Yeah, absolutely. All right. You and the the first 30 days I did this daily But 60 days is a lot to do daily. So we're just doing it every few days So today we're on friday um, which again you both uh had The hip stretches in the morning and you could have done just my son's Iutations for beginners or the 20 minute ashtanga beginner or 30 minute bar with marnie alton Or you could do both together you could try both together Or if the experience you could do the half primary with ashtanga nurse or the 60 minute bar fit with lori Who's a new a new bar teacher? I've incorporated them with marnie alton a very different bar teacher Um, so let's the journals questions to ask yourself as of tomorrow. You're a week into the challenge So as of saturday you are a week into the challenge you guys That's a lot a week's a lot of work. Um, how has your perception of yourself changed? I would love to hear that especially listening to our conversation today. How has your perception Of you changed? Are you feeling anger shock resistance? Please note? None of these feelings are wrong. They just are Let yourself be with these feelings for a moment and then lean into why you may be feeling this because again This is the reaction of the nervous system, right? Doesn't have to be as extreme as cptsd. It could just be something very small that your nervous system is reacting to So now you get to observe that Is this challenge harder than you expected? What is reality and what is expectation in the past? How does your expectation ruin the reality of an experience? Can you let in go of any expectation you put on yourself for this challenge and just allow the reality of the experience to unfold? Any how many times in your life? Have has your expectation of something actually ruined the reality of it Many many times. I would say so many times up until maybe just a few years ago when I just Started practicing detachment Practicing detachment was huge especially in meditation because I'd go in meditation and I would think I would have these expectations like my mind should be blank I should be completely calm and if anything was other than that I would try to change it instead of just observing what is instead of just being I wanted it to be a certain way or I expected it to be a certain way And when it wasn't and when I couldn't make that happen I'd get so frustrated and irritated. Oh, what the hell is the point of meditating? I can't even This is just frustrating. You know, so yeah a lot And I put that because how many people Probably started this challenge thinking I'm going to get up every day. I'm going to exercise. I'm going to journal I'm going to meditate life is going to be so great You have this like idea in your head of like the sun was going to be shining through the blinds every morning Even was raining because the birds were chirping and you were doing it You saw you envision yourself like sweating and your cute little lulu lemons and just looking all cute And then all of a sudden a weekend and you're sore You've cried Your meditation was hard the cold shower sucked and now you want to quit because it because the reality But that's the thing about the shadow where because it's not supposed to be bluebirds and butterflies and rainbow It's supposed to be that it's supposed to be the muck and the mud of yourself your true self And so don't let and when that muck and that's what I always say like in the yoga world pretty yoga is boring Messy yoga is super interesting So don't let your expectation of yourself ruin the reality because in reality the those those those Thought you were gonna fucking die and you wanted to punch through the computer screen the teacher That's interesting. I don't care about the pretty stuff I want to know Why you reacted this way. That's what's interesting. That's what you that's how Why rom dos says like when something a hard happens? Ah interesting Interesting, so this is a huge concept and again. This is also a concept that's spoken about the Bhagavad Gita as well expectation versus reality So can you let any expectation you put on yourself for this challenge? Let go of it and just allow the reality of the experience to unfold Where can you apply this in other areas of your life? Do you put expectations on your partner? That aren't fair and then when your partner doesn't live up to those expectations does it ruin the reality of the moment? Do you expect your partner? You know, I've realized for me with love languages I'm someone that gives love languages by service and gifts like doing things for people and giving gifts That's my love language, but I accept love by touch in words of affirmation You know, but if your partner doesn't know your love love language, it doesn't mean that's not the reality They don't love you. It's just you need to have that come right? So do you guys see what I'm saying like we sometimes ruin beautiful moments because our expectation Doesn't match the reality and so where can you apply this in your your your work to your job Is letting go and allowing life to happen hard or easy for you We will just discuss this deeper tomorrow in your second self-study Saturday tonight You can do your oil bath all that information's there. So tomorrow you're going to be researching dharma and karma What is dharma? What is karma? What is your role in both? I won't Give too many spoilers. So I really want people to look it up for themselves How is karma? How does karma work in your life? How is the law of dharma ruling your life by understanding these two's concept concepts? Can you let go of any expectations you have put on yourself during this challenge or during your life? Is it possible to work towards a goal? But let go of the outcome of that goal as emi was saying detachment This is a concept we will explore this upcoming week. And this is something that was Mind-blowing for me when I first started saying the Bhagavad Gita where Krishna basically tells our dhuna Don't do this work for the fruits of your labor Do it for the work when you're in navasana when you're in a really Looking at it first in your exercise if you're in a really hard exercise and your mind is screaming And your body's on fire. Can you settle into like enjoying that and loving that friction? Instead of the fruits of your labor instead of thinking Oh, I'm doing this because I'm going to get a small stomach and I'm going to look great in a bathing suit in summertime No, that doesn't matter. What matters is right here right now Tomorrow never comes the past is never coming back and tomorrow never comes. All you have is now Right now in that moment of that navasana of that handstand of that kickboxing Of that bar where you're sweating and your legs are shaking and your muscles are on fire Can you settle into that right here and right now without any expectation of the outcome of that work? We see and how can you see that in your life too? Can you go on a date with a guy? And not have any expectation Just be in the reality. What what more what is there more beauty there? That you can see if you're not if you don't have any attachment to an outcome Are there things you're missing is their joy and love that you're missing because you're too focused on an expectation And not the reality. What about yourself? Are you putting so many expectations on yourself that you can't see the reality of who you really are and are there Things about the reality of who you are that are way more beautiful than any expectation you put on yourself So I hope and that that's going to get to dharma and karma as well. All right, so that's yourself study saturday sunday sunday fun day where we get to do fun exercises you can do Sun salutations or you can do a 10 minute zumba class for beginners or jane fondas lower low impact Or i found all the jane fonda videos with the 80s hair and everything. It's fantastic Are the sun salutations experience you can do richard sim and sweat into the oldies Or if you want to you can if you're if you're able to you can uh Come to my yoga class sacred garden yoga or you could take a walk a 60 minute walk with your friends and family All right, yesterday you explore the concepts of dharma and karma after a day's worth of contemplation What other thoughts around this topic come up for you? Are you a person of faith? If so, why if not why? Doesn't matter because dharma comes into having faith Being able to rely on faith. Do you believe in a higher person purpose in life? If so, why if not why? What experiences in your life have left you to fill the way you do about spirituality? And again, nobody is looking at this journal guys I saw somebody in a group chat put it posted a picture of their journal with the lock on it I loved it because like when we were kids we would have locks on our journals So even if you're a 50 year old woman and you want to go get one of those kid diaries and locks on it Do it because if you don't want your husband reading it, you know Are your kids reading it if you really want to get vulnerable with yourself and I really encourage you No one's going to be looking at your journal All right, so you can be as raw and as vulnerable as you need to To get that out of you so you can see your see the reality of who you are in a different light All right Monday You are going to be doing uh either bar again Yeah, you have 45 minutes for experience You have the eight minute for beginners 45 minutes with marney or the 60 minutes with lori And you have the option to start off with some some some salutations All right to further contemplate the concepts of darman karma and the Bhagavad Gita Krishna teaches a concept that is very hard for many people Krishna tells Arjuna to love the work for the sake of the work and not for the fruits labor How does the fight to you? We already spoke about this. Can you allow yourself to be in the moment with the work? Can you love the hard stuff? Can you move deeper into your workout? Especially when it's hard and learn to love the heat and the friction caused by the work How does this change your outlook on exercise? Can you enjoy the movement of the exercise without thinking about the benefits of exercise? How does this concept of enjoying the work for the sake of the work apply to your perception of reality? An expectation and the theory of dharma and karma Do these concepts allow you to let go of expectation? All right, same closing. Um, we'll go through one more day tuesday Jen and then we'll pick up with the february stuff a little bit a few a few more days So tuesday january 31st you can do sun salutations. Oh now today. So now I gave all levels So first do the warm-up hips if you want to then sun salutations with 45 minute bar Do your five minute cold shower? How did you feel how only having an one an exercise for all levels? Was there any anxiety? So when you when choice was taken away from you today and you only had one exercise to do Did you feel levels of anxiety? Were you able to to practice letting go of expectation? So if you're a beginner to exercise and you saw today that you didn't have the eight minute option anymore You only had the 45 minute option. Were you able to like lean into that? Did you surprise yourself or were you panicking because all of a sudden? You know, I I never say in these challenges that you have to finish the exercise You know, what what pressures are you putting on yourself? If you participated in the first 30 day challenge What has changed for you in both your body and your mind? Go back and review the three things you want to work on this challenge. How have they shifted? How is your perception of yourself changed during this challenge is exercise hard for you? What mental traps have you found regarding exercise? Contemplate the mind the power of thought and the power of belief We will be looking deeper into this during the week and so I'll leave it there for now um once again if you uh Are not if you don't have the template you can still email me at shadowworkchallenge email.com and I will send you the template It is never too late We're not we're not grading you. Are we Emmy like no we're not asking for your homework like this is just for you You know to do what you can do and so um, I'm kind of I want to Emmy I'm thinking next week if it's okay with you We can go deeper into the power of exercise in the mind and how exercise can be used as a tool or for abuse And a tool for liberation because I know you have a lot of experience with that as well An expectation and reality because I kind of want to see also how you guys are Let us know in the comment section below. Um Is this like a new concept for you dharma karma expectation reality? Like where in your life are you kind of like sabotaging yourself because you're and you might even be doing it Self uh subconsciously. I think a lot of us do it subconsciously where we have an expectation You know, we think we're going to be skipping through a We think about going on a run that we're going to be skipping through a field of butterflies and you know Buddies are going to be hopping around meanwhile. We're cramping. We're sweating our boobs popping out Like hair is falling out mascara running down the face, you know Um, so it's it's but there's beauty in that too. You know, there's beauty. Uh, there's beauty in that I uh, I'll tell you guys a funny story. We'll leave off on um, I my first trip to Africa I was in my early 20s My ex at the time the guy was dating at the time. Um, I said one video not to brag. I've had a lot of boyfriends not to brag or anything, but Um, but his family were white Africans in Zimbabwe. So they were a british descent and they owned these big farms uh in Zimbabwe And this was all during the homo gabi situation with white farmers and stuff So there was a lot of tension there and of course, I thought it was a great idea to go during this time um Because my soul loves the challenge. Well, I was a big runner at this time I was a long-distance runner and I got to their farm in quake way the town they lived in and um, I was asking my ex got on a four-wheeler and like showed me where it was safe for me to run because going too far into The bush you've got wild animals all sorts of stuff. So he was showing me like where it was safe to run In the next morning, he taught me to say mungwanani, which meant good morning in the local language mungwanani So I was running the next morning all the workers in the farm were out Laboring doing their of their work and I was running and they would stop and look at me very strangely And I would say mungwanani and keep running and they would look at me Then they look behind me Then they look at me And they like look behind me very confused and I came back to the house and I told my active They were like staring at me and kept looking behind me He goes. Yeah Because no one here runs for activity. They thought something was probably chasing you Here it runs for like fun You know like girls running and they're probably confused because nothing is chasing you And they're expecting like something like do they need to run too? Like they see you running do they need to start running too? And they're so confused because I mean it was it was like they literally dropped what they were doing and kept looking behind me Like and I was like, how are they doing? You know, I was like Oh my gosh, that's hilarious crazy american is out there running in the bush, you know, just So, um, yeah, so it's talk about expectation and reality like that if I had not observed that I wouldn't have that Yeah, I I still crack up about that now. So like what the hell is she running from? Um, so anyway Words you want to say to our lovely viewers Emmy before we sign off for today Um, yeah, just don't take yourself so seriously. Don't take life so seriously Have a laugh. It's been a rough couple months. Go watch a funny movie Go look up some jokes. Tell your kids some jokes. Ask your kids to tell you some jokes my little My little girl told me the funniest joke. I can't even remember it, but I laughed so hard. I snorted Yeah, do something lighthearted. It's been it's been a rough bit And you know what with that being said Emmy I know I've been asking a lot for our viewers for the comment section but if you have any funny stories you want to share in the comment section about um I just thought of another story too. I won't say because I don't want to embarrass the person Uh, it was somebody who was farting in a yoga class So loudly so many times and finally this person goes I had chickpeas for lunch And I gave my shit together for the rest of the class. I was laughing so hard so um, so if you have any funny stories Of where the expectation did not meet the reality, but it was very but the reality was very comical Leave them down in the comment section below so that we can all laugh with each other. So You guys got it. This is it's it's hard work, but that's why we came to earth school Right That's a class Next life we can go to venus and just be in this ball. Oh, yeah, that sounds lovely All right, you guys well, we love you I will be putting all the links down in the description box below including emmy's channel if you are Have not if this is your first time seeing emmy go subscribe to our channel and um, we'll talk to you soon guys Bye everybody. Bye