 show. And now Harold Perry as Honest Harold the homemaker. Well here we are in Melrose Springs again where at the moment most of the housewives are listening to their favorite morning radio program Honest Harold the homemaker. Let's tune in and listen to Honest Harold who is just telling his listeners about his new project. And so girls let's all get behind this drive for the sunny side of 70 Club, pub house where the old folks can enjoy their leisure time. Ladies if you can't send cash send us books and old games anything around the house you don't need. Of course don't send us your husband. Gloria. Oh good morning Harold. How's the mail for the sunny side of 70 Club house coming in? It's not. Golly Mr. Hamp I'm sorry your campaign to help the old folks isn't going over. Yes all my Gloria. Everybody sort of forgets about the old people and how lonesome they must get. I just thought they'd deserve a clubhouse where they could get together play games have some fun in life. Remember the old saying Gloria the years pass silently but old age creaks up on you. Gee someday I'll be old. I'll have children then grandchildren then great-grandchildren Oh what'll I do? Well I'd get married first. Do you really think I should Harold? Yes when the proper young fellow comes along. Oh speaking of proper young fellows how is our dear boss Stanley Peabody this morning? Oh him. Yeah I know what you mean. Why is it with all the nice radio station managers in the country we had to get that pickle face. Is that you Hamp? Oh hello pickle face. I mean Peabody. Oh Hamp. I just received the results of the intelligence test we gave our employees here at the radio station. Just thought you'd like to know you came out at the top of your classification. Well did you hear that Gloria? The top eh? Yes you're the smartest moron working here. Hyena. Smartest moron. Gee you came in first. I came in six. Well I guess I didn't do so bad after all. See you later Gloria. A lot of traffic today. Four cars and a bicycle. Guess I'll cross the street here. Watch out where you're going. A lot of state license. Careful there son doctor. What? Oh it's old Doc Yak Yak. Would you like a boy scout to help you cross the street madame? Very funny you old horse doctor. Well I'd rather be doctoring a horse than most people I know. Present company accepted. Oh yes of course. How is the veterinary business Doc? I'm just getting back from a house call. Jeff Peters Cow was alien. Huh? Sign of trouble. Yes. Well is it serious? Couldn't tell. It was kind of hard to examine her. Jeff was milken at the same time. What's new with you crooner? What's your latest crusade? Well it's not exactly a crusade Doc but I am campaigning for that sunny side of 70 recreation hall. Oh yeah I heard about that. It's all right my boy. But people are always worrying about people. About time somebody started worrying about animals. What? Well animals get old too you know. Now Doc. You never heard of a home for elderly golfers. That's silly. Nobody ever started a pension plan for Cocker Spaniels over 60. Oh Doc. What about a recreation hall for our old four-legged friends? You never saw two cows playing canasta. Go vaccinate a mule will you Doc? Did you have a nice day? Well pretty good mother. Oh and I have a wonderful surprise Harold. We're having a guest for dinner. A guest? Who? Well he came to the door to sell me something. He was such a nice man and we got to talking and he said he hadn't had a home cooked meal for so long. But you don't know anything about him mother. Why he might turn out to be a crook or something. Oh he couldn't be dishonest with a name he has. What is his name? Sincere Sam Smith. Oh brother. Now Harold. Mr. Smith is a very honest man I can tell. He has especially large ear lobes. Large ear lobes? Oh mother. Or you can always judge people by their ear lobes. Mother it's wonderful to be sweet and trusting but you're much too gullible. It's a good thing you've got me to protect you from these shady characters. Probably him now. I'll take care of him. Sincere Sam Smith. But he's a real slicker. Probably wears two-tone shoes. I better have a peek at him first. I'll say he's got large ear lobes. Looks like a bloodhound. Well that won't fool me. Yes. Good evening Mr. Hemp. Good evening. It's a pleasure to meet you. Smooth. Let me shake your hand. Better take my yeltswing off first. So you're the man I've heard so much about. That. Your honest Harold the homemaker. Mr. Hemp. I have a favor to ask of you. He won't get a cent out of me. I wonder if I could have your autograph. Huh. You know you're quite a celebrity with me Mr. Hemp. I can honestly say that as a radio performer you're far better than Arthur Godfrey. Say it's too bad that you're not on television. I didn't realize you were so handsome. Has anyone ever told you you look like George Rav? Well we both use stay-com. Mr. Smith won't you come in. Oh thank you. Please sit down Mr. Smith. Mother will be right in. He looks nice and honest. He does have a fine pair of ear lobes. At Mr. Smith mother tells me you're a salesman. Oh I do that as a sort of hobby. I love to meet people you know I'm I'm really an oil man retired. Oh I see. But just to keep active I've been merchandising this very useful household gadget. Household gadget. What is it. Well it's a special kind of powder. It's very handy if you ever have to make a forced landing in the middle of the ocean. It repels sharks. Repels sharks. That sounds like a handy thing to have around the kitchen all right. How are they selling. They're not too well honest Harold. I bought a whole carload of them too. War surplus you see. I guess I'm just an old country boy but I couldn't stand to see the government. My government stuck with all that shock repellent. Well say you're a real patriot sincere Sam. Oh I try to be in but you you are the real humanitarian. I am. That's a wonderful idea you have the sunny side of 70 clubhouse. It's too bad you're having trouble raising that money. Well honest Harold I like you. I like your face. Oh it's just a face. You know what I'm going to raise that money for you. You are yes indeed. All you have to do is to sell my short repellent powder over your radio program and you can keep 25 cents out of every dollar for your clubhouse gosh how can I ever thank you. I'm glad to do it. There's just one thing honest Harold if we're going into this partnership I'll have to ask you to put up a bond of 50 dollars. Well don't you trust me. Of course yes personally I trust you 100 percent but we have to protect the old folks. Say that's pretty thoughtful of you sincere Sam. Yeah just a minute here. I'll get my wallet. There you are. Thank you. May I have my wallet back now. Excuse me. Say thanks for the money in there and now I want to give you something. Here is a free sample of my shark repellent powder. Well thanks but I don't really need it. A shark would have to be pretty smart to catch me. And before signing off this morning dear listeners I want to thank you all for the way you've been sending in your dollars for our shark repellent powder. Remember 25 cents of every dollar goes toward outfitting the sunny side of 70 clubhouse and by the way people are having a lot of fun finding ways to use this powder. It shines in the dark you know. Clem Bags put some on his beard and now he can read in bed at night without turning on the night light. His wife likes it too. But seriously folks you're just about the kindest nicest people I know. I love those dear hearts and gentle people who live in my hometown because those dear hearts and gentle people will never ever let you down. They read the good book from fry till Monday. That's how the weekend goes. I've got a dream house. I'll build there one day with picket fence and rambling rose. I feel so welcome each time that I return that my happy heart keeps lapping like a clown. I love the dear hearts and gentle people who live in love in my hometown. 340, 341. All through counting the money on a town? Yeah almost sincere Sam. Just have to figure out the small change. 342, 340, oops Canadian dime. It's been floating around town ever since that bagpipe band from Toronto was up here. $342 and 90 cents. That is wonderful and we still have one more day to go. Say it this is a lot of money sincere Sam don't you think we ought to put it in the hotel safe here? Oh no I think it would be safer here in the hotel room with me. You do? Yes I don't trust the manager. Ever notice? No ear lobes. You can't take chances with a man like that. Yes you're right. It's a good thing we got you looking after the money sincere Sam. Well thank you Honest Harold. Come into my office. What is it Stanley oh man? Hemp I want to talk to you about this shock repellent powder. I'd like to sprinkle some on him. I've just been thinking. Always bragging. Yes Stanley if anything should happen to all this money you've taken in you know this station is liable. Huh? What about this character sincere Sam? Are you sure he's honest? One of the most honest men I ever met Stanley relax. This shark powder sounds fishy to me. It's funny. Looks to me like sincere Sam has pulled the wool over your eyes. No I'm just wearing my bangs kind of low today. You're such a sheep. Sheep are you sure this sincere Sam hasn't been fleecing you? Stanley if it'll make you feel any better I'll call good old Sam and have him bring the money over right now. Gloria get me the Antler Hotel. Stanley you're gonna feel awfully ashamed of yourself. Hello Antler Hotel. I'd like to speak to sincere Sam Smith please. Mm-hmm I'll wait. Calling me a sheep Stanley. Shame. Hello? What's that? Conceal Sam is gone. He checked out. Well hemp what have you got to say? We'll be turned for the second act of our story honest Harold in just a moment. The National Guard is now beginning its 1950 recruiting drive. 220,000 men are needed to reach the desired quota. Why not stop in at your local National Guard recruiting office and learn the full details. To keep America prepared the National Guard needs you now today. And by the way don't miss Harold Perry's important announcement at the end of our show. And now back to honest Harold the homemaker. Well honest Harold is learning that large ear lobes may hide a dishonest heart. For the great philanthropist sincere Sam Smith has left town with the money raised for the sunny side of 70 Club. Right now Harold is in Stanley Peabody's office on the carpet. But I just can't understand it Stanley there must be some mistake. There is hemp and you made it and it just goes to prove what I've always said. You're an incompetent idiotic bungling. Stupid? Yes. Stupid don't. You're so right Stanley and I've got all those people down. They'll never get the clubhouse now and all those nice people who send in their dollars in that Canadian with his dime. You've got more than that to worry about. I hate to do this but I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn this whole matter over to the police. You mean they'll put some serious Sam in jail. Mother's going to be very upset about that. Well she won't have to be you will be there with him. Stanley you wouldn't do that. I'm sorry hemp but it's my duty to protect the reputation of this station. Stanley give me a chance for old time's sake. Remember the office party last Christmas in the dark under the mistletoe Stanley. You thought I was gloried and you felt my mustache. This is no time for sentiment Harold. Honest Harold I'll give you just 24 hours to get that money back. 24 hours and if you don't you'll be going up the river up the river. She's throwing me to the sharks and I sold out all that powder. It's no use Harold we've called almost every town around here and there's no sign of sincere Sam. Yes Gloria but I just got to find it. Well all right I'll try another town. Good old Gloria. Call a hotel in Honkerville. Operator get me Honkerville one three please. Honkerville Plaza just a moment please. Here's your party Harold. Thank you. Hello desk clerk. I said desk clerk. Must be deaf. Stranger checking your hotel lately. He did. And he wore a frock coat. Pack leather shoes. Duck bill haircut. When did you see him last. 1905. William Jennings Brian. Oh my goodness. What. No I'm not going to vote for him. Goodbye. Oh brother it's no use Gloria. We failed. Excuse me Harold. Station KHJP. What. Thank you. What is it Gloria. Oh that was the hotel in Sigmund City. Sincere Sam. Just checked in there. Oh Gloria you're wonderful. You kissed me. Does that mean we're engaged. Gloria for heaven's sake I'm in enough trouble now. I'll get Pete the town Marshal will dash over and slip the handcuffs on sincere Sam Smith before he knows it. We'd better hurry though. He's pretty slippery. He's liable to sneak out of Sigmund City before we get there. Hope the Marshal's in. Good. There he is. Marshal I got to see you right away. Just a minute Harold I'm on the phone now. What was that again Miss Crocker. You want a dog like Pete. This is urgent. And now you just have to wait your turn. Oh now Miss Crocker. I'll have to fill out a form. What's the dog's name. Geraldine. Oh no that's a cute name. Let me write that down. Cute names. And what's the dog names. And married or single. I must have the wrong form. Oh brother look here Pete I'm in the hurry. Well I'll take care of it Miss Crocker. Goodbye. Now what can I do for you Harold. How's your mother. Did you get over a room it is. Yes Marshal I want to report to Robbery. Robbery. Okay we have to fill out a form. What. Where did I put that. Here it is. Form kind of dusty. All right I'm ready name clean. Oh for heaven's sake you've known me for 20 years I'm Harold him. Let me write that down. H-A-R-O-L-D him. Sounds like a nickel cigar. Pete will you stop that writing. I want to talk to you. Look at me. You need to shave boy. I want you to help me Pete I want you to arrest a man named sincere Sam Smith. Sincere Sam Smith let me write that down. You hurry it up while we're standing here talking he's absconding with my three hundred and forty three dollars. Three hundred and forty three dollars. Let me write that down. Oh Nellie now I've got to start all over. What's the matter now. I forgot to put in some carbon paper. Oh Pete you're the slowest most inefficient most aggravating bungler I ever saw. Besides that you're an old foof. Let me write that down. How do you spell foof. Never mind I'll do it myself goodbye. Marshal's a big help. I'll drive over to Sigmund City and catch sincere Sam myself. My little Essex will get me there in no time. Oh here we are. I've got to get that seat spring fixed. Come on Essey. Darn it. Same old trouble chicken feathers in the gasoline. I won't buy another gallon of gas and Charlie Lee gets rid of those leg horns. Doc in that silly horse and buggy. She looks like she's in an eclipse. Hey Harold I just heard she's in a little trouble that sincere fellow skipped out on you. I warned you about trusting human beings. Now if you'd given that money to a chipmunk. All right. I'm in a hurry. How are you going. Sigmund City I got to catch sincere Sam. Oh man. Well you better get there in a hurry. I know that. Well Harold I wouldn't do this for everybody but since speed is of the essence I'm going to let you take my horse and buggy. Oh that's real nice of you Doc. And I want to get there this week. Why Silver moves the fastest buggy horsing town. She's the only buggy horse in town. Well if you want to split horse hairs. She's a fine animal low front and back. It's not a front and back that worries me Doc. It's that sag in the middle. That's where you ought to put the buggy. Oh now you're going to hurt her feelings Harold. Oh he didn't mean it Silver Moon. Oh my goodness. Doc I appreciate your offer. Okay Harold it's your loss. Silver Moon's got a fine background. Ex polo pony ex race horse used to be a cavalry horse. First world war. Went over the top of Chateau theory. How does he ever get over the top with that beer belly. Well come on Silver Moon I guess we're not wanted here. Doc wait a minute I'll take your offer. Silver Moon ought to be able to make it a Sigmund City. It's all downhill. Come on help me in this buggy. There you are. Give me up Silver Moon. So long Doc. So long Harold. Watch out for speed cop. Say runs like a race horse at that. Look at that knee action. This is better than my Essex. No shifting. Come on Silver Moon we'll get to Sigmund City before. Old lumber yards on fire again. Silver Moon what are you stopping for. She's turning around. Hang on. Silver Moon you're going the wrong way. Shut up. Honest Harold you're through. You stalled around all day and now since Sir Sam was checked out of that hotel in Sigmund City the sunny side of 70 Club ruined by a shady character. I'm sorry I let all you old folks down. Please forgive me old friends. I was trying to do the right thing. Guess you'll never have that clubhouse now. It's all my fault. Honest Harold Hemp I despise you. You deserve to go to jail. This is going to be a great blow to my mother her only son in the penitentiary. Oh mother I'm home. Oh I've been wondering where you were Harold and there's someone here waiting for you. Who is it. Did I hear somebody come in. Hello Honest Harold. Sincere Sam. Where you been boy. Where have I been. Now look here Sincere Sam. I took a little trip on as Harold over to Sigmund City and I took our money along and I bought out the sporting good section of the hardware store and you should have seen the things he brought back Harold all kinds of games horseshoes shuffleboard. What. Yes for the sunny ciders clubhouse. I kind of lost my head I guess you know I even spend fifty dollars on my own money there. You can't do too much for the old folks you know. Honest Harold I hope you weren't worried today about the money. No matter of fact I took the day off and watched the lumberyard burn down. You have just heard the Harold Kerry show Honest Harold who will return to you in just a moment with that very important message. The supporting players tonight included Ken Peters, Catherine Card, Polly Bear and featured Gloria Holiday as Gloria, Joseph Kearns as Old Doc Yak Yak and Art Baker as Sincere Sam. Norman McDonald directed and the music was composed and conducted by Jack Meakin. Honest Harold created by Harold Perry was written by Jean Stone, Jack Robinson and Dick Powell. Now back to Honest Harold. You know Bob I'm hunting for a laughing lady someone we can invite to appear in our show. And what's more fun than laughing Bob and for the lady with a lucky laugh there's going to be plenty of fun because when we find her we're going to put her on a TWA constellation and fly her to Hollywood but she'll be my guest at the beautiful country club hotel for a whole week here in Hollywood and if we get a lure away from the swimming pool she's to appear with us on the Harold Perry show. And all a gal has to do for that vacation is just laugh. Right. And her laugh will enter in the Honest Harold laugh contest and it begins right in her hometown. That's your invitation girls. If that big laugh contest is being conducted in your city and her and you may be here whether some Wednesday night. Come on girls let's all laugh. This is Bob LeMond speaking and this is CBS for you every Thursday night the Columbia broadcasting system.