 Well, a very good morning to you. Thank you very much for keeping it Y254. Thank you for keeping it a power talk. This is where we give you as it is concerning matters of relationship, social issues, matters concerning your life and your affairs. We are coming to you live from the broadcasting house here in Nairobi, Kenya. We are also live on our website at www.kbc.co.ke www.kbc.co.ke Ensure that you engage with us both online and from wherever you are watching us from. My name is Ramanguko. As always it is a pleasure being with you each and every Thursday. Today I repeat of this program also as at 10 p.m. so if at all you would like to catch a glimpse of this again tonight we will be coming to you on your station from the comfort of your living room at 10 p.m. This is power talk and this morning we are talking about insecurities in relationships. How do you deal with an insecure partner? How should you deal or how can you? How do you deal with an insecure partner? That issue that bugs them day in day out that is their fear in their insecurities. How do you handle them? When they feel afraid, when they feel like they don't trust you, is it something that happened in the past? How best can you deal with such scenarios? We are talking about insecurities in relationships and joining me to understand this and to uncover more about this. I'm joined to my extreme left. I'm joined by Rev. Evans Kochaw. He is a pastor, a counselor and a mentor. He is also a conference speaker. Thank you for this conversation. It's a pleasure having you for the first time. Thank you. Hope you're well. I'm well. Wonderful. I'm also joined next to me. You know her. You've been with her plenty of times. She has shared her story right here. So if you didn't watch her story head over to YouTube on our channel White River Channel and get to see her story. She is a manjari, an actress and motivational speaker. Asante sana. Thank you for finding time. Thank you so much. Thank you. Today you're glowing. Asante sana. Now from whatever you're watching us from to my account, now you're watching me ashoa. We want to just keep you updated in regards to the things that we're pretending relationships and show that you engage with us on our social media platforms. The hashtag is Power Talk Show on Twitter at Ram Maguko at Y254 Channel. You can find us. Head over to Facebook. We've posted a question there. How do you deal with an insecure partner on Facebook? Y254. Drop in your comments on the comments section below and we shall sample your feedback as we continue with this morning broadcast. Power Talk starts now. We know insecurities are always there, especially for women. Let me give examples. You want that flat tummy. Some ladies normally ask this question. Am I fat? And if at all men you've been in that position, you've been asked that question and then you say yes, you know very well things will not end well for you. How do you deal with an insecure partner from the perspective of all men? Okay. Thank you so much Ram and you know this is so timely. Last weekend I was in a women's retreat for three days and actually these are the matters we were talking about. So even when you gave me a call I said I was like Aikoni Ram is reading through my head or something. And yeah these are matters that are happening every day and I believe you've been seeing things in the news where couples are killing each other. This is a cause of people killing insecurities. I think we have a very recent case of that man from Kiyambu. I think from Kiyambu who killed himself. These are the reasons why people do that or people get to those extents and insecurities in relationships are real and they are happening. I have been in that shoe before and I will never want to go back there again because it's not a good experience because the moment you start having insecurity in your relationship or in your marriage that automatically takes away trust. Automatically it takes away the joy of that marriage or the joy of that relationship because you start having doubts. Actually when I was thinking about this topic it's a state of mind. It's something that is conceived in the mind. So I wake up in the morning, I look at myself, I start comparing myself with other people. As you have said an example, I feel like I don't have a flat tummy. Myself I don't have a flat tummy. But the point is do I love myself the way I am? So is it a state of mind? Actually it starts from a personal, it's a personal thing. It starts from you. For example Ram, if I have a problem with you you might not be the problem. I might be the problem. So the first thing is for example why am I feeling insecure in my relationship or in my marriage? Is it because I am triggered by how I look physically? For example I look at myself, I am tall, maybe I wear a shoe 42, maybe I have a tummy, maybe I don't have that size 8 body and yet my partner or my husband maybe they call it, they have all recall, maybe they have all that we can call good qualities. Let's say they have flat tummies, they have that figure 8, they are light skins, they have nice nails. So it's something that I can develop by myself and it is coming from a point of am I not appreciating who I am or where I am? Because I believe if I love myself for who I am I will never ever feel inferior no matter where my partner goes, no matter who they work with, no matter who they interact with, as long as I love myself, I love me and I will not compare myself to anyone. That one will help me a lot as an individual. So you're highlighting as we start that it's all about self love. Yes, appreciate yourself and when you don't we are talking about self doubt. Yes, now, now when you start doubting yourself it becomes another story. Evans, I want you to give us your take, opening remarks. Maybe you can tell us whether you agree with what am I saying but at the same time how can you tell when you are dating someone that this person is insecure? What are some of these signs of insecurities? What are these things that when you look into you can be able to tell that no. My problem is not that I left the the toilet seat up. My problem is not that I did not flush the toilet that made us fight. My problem is something else. That's an example. What are some of these signs? Well thank you for calling me in to this very important conversation. I think it's a timely thing and one thing I learned is that it's not a strange thing today insecurity has been there from the days of the Bible, from the beginning, the first death ever in the Bible occurred because of insecurity. You remember the story of Kain? It was insecurity because these people are coming to present themselves before the Lord and you know God is a just God. He'll just be plain and toothful and honest with you. God accepted Abel's offering and Kain felt offended. What's the next thing? Kain was saying that okay this man is preferred over myself so the next thing was death. So insecurity has been there and I want to agree with my sister Anjuri that it begins with how you feel about yourself. Actually I look at this this way. It is 70% imagination or illusion and 30% what attacks your confidence. Most of it is just imagination. Imagination. Some of these things are not true things. Some of these things are just imaginations in my mind. It begins with how I think about myself. When I think wrongly about myself I will never think rightly about others. When I have a negative thought about myself I will never speak anything negative. Now looking at how would you tell somebody who is insecure. One they have issues with the trust as Anjuri said. They never trust. So they are very toxic people. They never say anything positive. There are a lot of things they can look in you and the only answer they come out with is negative thing. They are very toxic. And three they are also very judgmental. Yeah they look at it they can define you with how you look and they say this one is going nowhere. This one can never try anything and work. Most of these people who normally say that he is a kani. Most of it comes from their own sense of insecurity. You share oh I'm thinking of starting this business uber business. Say ah drop that one. It can't work. Ask me. To them they believe something that never worked for them cannot work for anyone. I agree 100%. They believe if a relationship never worked in their lives they believe it cannot work for anyone. This thing that I know it has its own origin. It's common that men are dogs. I know it came from someone somewhere and it spread like bushfire. Could it have originated from someone's own self self-doubt and sense of insecurity? I think when you talk about I saw a certain I know we love memes. We love looking at memes and someone had said like just the way you have said it that men are dogs then then they posted a picture of so many dogs then then the person wrote up there kindly show me your father in this picture. I know it was a very rude statement but it's the truth because if you know when I say men are dogs that means I am including everybody. Someone made a post that all men are dogs. Yes and then another person posted a picture of so many dogs. I know this one might come out very rudely but it's the truth of the matter. So the moment you call for example I have had men say something about kikuyu women you get so we have that mentality so we have that mentality about a certain like certain people like if I hear about Ram what is he from he's from that other side of the country so that is that picture that comes with we calling you on it like we mentioned your name and you know we went to some place for a for a for a conference and we were told when you introducing yourself only use your first name so we were like my name is Emma my name is Ram my name is Evans and everybody was interacting very well before we went for lunch they said can you introduce yourself with two names I'm Emma Jerry and so and so by the end of that lunch you would find some people from the same tribe sitting together you get because we have that mentality so don't include everybody in in your problems for example I was watching a someone by is it to DJX and she and he was saying even if you're married for let's say like that years you're still not qualified to talk to me about marriage because that is your marriage I am not marrying your partner so the way you handle issues in your marriage and your relationship you might not might not work for me now I would like you to engage with us from home tell us is it a self an issue of selflessness selflessness inside you self doubt self love is it a state of mind that insecurity is it a more of a mental issue or an emotional issue than a fact-based issue the hashtag is part oxion Twitter head over to Facebook Y254 channel at Ramaguko and at Y254 is where you can find us comment there head over to Facebook we've posted a question there on our Facebook page on Y254 drop it your comments at the comment section we shall sample your feedback and I want us to find about this just how they get to go you know juju to just on a on the level it's being insecure no more because you've said that it is a state of mind it's an emotional issue is it normal or is it something that someone if you're insecure people will tell you to go to a psychiatrist actually personally can defend as a as a mental problem so it's not normal to be insecure it's not normal because look at you know you know Ram everything has prons and cons so anytime you do something how will it bounce back to you for example I have a partner and I am having security that partner that means immediately or automatically my trust towards my partner has already been broken number two it'll take away my joy of that relationship so now what to do outside there who feel like they have an issue with their body weight their body size their body shape that sense of insecurity it is not normal deal with your problem deal with yourself because I have to accept who I am and Ram even the Bible says like love your neighbor ask you love your so it starts from here it starts from me loving myself I cannot like you that I love you if I don't love myself it'll be a lie it's abnormal because it's a killer disease nobody is a disease yeah nobody kills in his right senses now look at it from the Bible I love giving biblical example soul is a king with all power military call it all things at his disposal but this man is fighting a 17 years old young man by the name David a man who was only but anointed to handle a situation in his life the man the young man is busy singing to the king while this the king is busy trying to pinpoint him on the wall the javelin is not normal it begins with the beginning to think abnormally about myself beginning to suffer from what I call self inadequacy you don't appreciate who you are David was never concerned about the monaco of souls or the position he wasn't concerned it was just but a young man anointed and graced to deal with the condition that was affected the king that was his focus but now this man is thinking another thing it's not a normal thing actually what he said it's a it's a it's a mental case because you develop something weird about yourself let me give you an example I had this experience and I know my wife is watching after our marriage my wife is a very good cook I hope you know that she's your sister I've tasted her meals yeah yeah yeah so you know according to me I thought it's just okay the way I will consume that meal and you know I enjoy it she'll just be okay and know that you know I enjoy the meal yeah so I didn't see any need of really appreciating you know we were learning from each other you didn't say thank you yeah I didn't say thank you I thought maybe from the way I'm consuming it and I'm enjoying it she'll just say oh he loves it when I'm visiting another friend actually this friend didn't cook well but you know I wanted to appreciate just to make them feel great so I would say oh that was a nice kenyaji that was a nice uh kuku so would your wife was there yeah yeah she had you watching me sarcastically under like tanyona nyubani so did it cause problems yes later she was feeling bad I'm cooking all this thing I cook so nice what was that you are eating and you appreciate it yet in this house all this time you've never appreciated even my hot water you've never appreciated when someone doesn't compliment you yeah when someone doesn't recognize the cloth you you've just worn and for some ladies they will come and and you know and I put it in Beliako to kill our kat not that she's doing anything but she just keeps passing in front of you for it to notice the dress that she just uh you know bought the hairstyle that she just uh you know uh gotten that that new form that maybe she got maybe it's it's it's it's an aspect of what they have just you know done on themselves maybe it's they are pedicures they they got them some new nails but you just don't recognize it but as a man you you know kwawekoko is just normal yeah yeah for some men but we'll find out about that why is that for many ladies they want to be complimented but when you fail to do so it becomes an issue isn't that also a sense of insecurity uh I think women and I think I've said this here again women we are driven by what we hear that's right that's why it's why I don't know what I'm saying because because sorry you do say women so should we conclude that women are mentally unstable since you said that insecurity is a mental issue no no no I'm saying this is what I'm saying women we are driven by what we hear for example if I wake up in the morning and I just meet my neighbor then like oh you're looking good this month for example uh when I came in there's a guy who actually he was just behind her saying all right so something has changed you know it brings that that that that little girl in you you know that little girl inside of you because all of us we have that you know yeah even men they have that kabao inside of them that wants also to be pampered you get actually this goes two ways so it's when like when I came you were frowning you were like Ram I am not used to you looking like smile you smile now look at how you're looking nice you get so I think uh it's also a game of mind how do you play with your with your with your mind because now if maybe I'm living in my house and my partner and me Nakavizuri then I get to the office and I meet there with a soldier and I'm a matabu Nakavizuri ngaingia ki dogona meet na bossa and I'm and you're looking good it is that changing my mind you know why is my husband why does my husband there is there is something that you said and I really want you to be clear on that yes because when you help you said also you said the same same thing that insecurity is a mental issue and it is not normal if a lady is insecure you don't tell her that she cooks well you don't tell her that she looks good you don't tell you don't compliment anything does it mean that she's mentally unstable I think insecurity comes in where for example when I if I use his example he has said the wife really cooks good food but he has never seen the need of telling her verbally like your food is nice but through his action like the way he enjoys the food okay when you're normal you can tell that he's really enjoying the food but I think the problem came in now when he used that on another person you get like hey hey okay you have never cooked for me and I cook for you every day this is just a once meal that you have eaten in your neighbor's house and now you are already saying that it is good meal okay as a normal human being I will also feel like okay is it that my food has not been this good to you and you know you're my husband so I must be concerned but your husband loves you and this is a problem with most ladies here you want to be told you want to be given those assurances every single day yet you know that person loved you there is there are vows that you exchanged there are those uh you know compliments that you gave each other before you got into that marriage and you gave each other assurances should you be given these assurances each and every day why is it that women want to be told that they are looking good just to satisfy that sense of security okay I think also this this is this one is also uh on a individual level there are people who who would want it every day there's a person maybe who tell them every day they will be like unataka nini for example there is this notion that actually if if your wife wakes up and tells you hey my husband today you are looking really nice the first question me okay what do you want you know there is that mentality it's because you don't want it because yeah because you know what do you want so what happens is I think you need to understand your partner you need to understand your your husband or your wife and also maybe your boyfriend or your girlfriend because for example personally it will not really move me because I know I am beautiful I know it why can't men compliment their women why is it why is it hard because maybe that lady is insecure and maybe she's too fat maybe I don't want to come and love that I don't want to amataka one I want to be on the side of the ladies today what wins a woman is not food a woman yeah it's not expensive jewellery that you'll buy it's not buying a beaker okay the way you compliment the way you talk to a woman you enter into a woman's heart even if you are sura personal you'll enter woman's heart the way you address them now coming back to my story I still stand by what I said it is not normal to be insecure because according to me I knew everything was just okay this woman is my woman she knows I love her she knows I'm there for her providing you know that goes according to my understanding but now lack of appreciating her developed something in her that's why I said it is 70% imagination in 30% what attacks your confidence so what attacked her confidence in this is this time when I went to a friend's house who didn't even cook well but because I wanted to like make them feel nice because I could see from their body language the woman was like did I really cook well and the chicken was done poorly so because I'm a man of God and I wanted to live that house happy living them in happy state so I appreciated so you you will try to to actually deal with that sense of insecurity of another person and develop and I didn't know what's developing one in my wife so women need to appreciate it and I think also men need to be appreciated my dad is saying Timo anasama that there is someone who has dropped in a comment there and we should read that bring it up uh-huh so uh this is uh uh-huh anasama makyoj nyaosi anasama I can't tolerate it anasama I can't tolerate insecurities can't tolerate it I have more important staffs to think and deal with not ways to appease her or giving explanations whenever he whenever her doubts arise sita ki stress yeah uh he he's watching now I want to give you uh ever to talk about this I can't tolerate it I have more important stuff to do men are not tolerate staff from their women what do you think about that one that is pride exactly uh pride of ego that that that is pride according to me you know somebody said that I agree with Miles Mundo he said something that every relationship is a union of two forgivers what does this mean it means I come with my weakness in that relationship you come with your weakness I come with my strength you come with your strength we need to come to that level of uh you know engaging each other accepting each other tolerating each other giving each other time to grow and overcome some of these things when you say you can't tolerate you're too busy dealing other other things I can tell you now you're too busy for what because to me my first priority is my woman if I'm not too busy for her what will I be too busy for sure how is my first priority and even women say that that's why I say this thing is very personal yeah it is very personal ram it is a way you decide to to uh to treat your person it's a way you decide to treat your husband the way you decide to treat your your man on your partner how should women because I think uh this one comes with um also you know let me let me tell you I cannot I cannot compare my my husband with him those are two different people first from the background how they were raised there are men who are raised and the only thing that they know it is to abuse women the only thing they know is like I don't care and the question is is that also a sense of security for those men yes because why they abuse you know I don't know I don't know uh what was talking to yesterday and I was telling them uh there are people who have come up with some theories of marriage according to their own experiences for example maybe our grandmothers when they were married it was very rare to to find divorce in their days but domestic violence was like they used to be beaten and naturally they would believe if I am not beaten my husband does does not love me today you pinch me because times have changed you get and also uh men those times believed beating like I'm beating my wife and she's still staying also I've been doing the right thing and those women said in marriage is because they were made to believe if I beat you you're supposed to stay in your husband's house you'd go to your mother and she'll tell you have you first seen me leave your father's house go back to your husband's house so I think wumilia so they agree you up knowing kumilia is a is a is marriage they knew they agree you up knowing wana kupika baby is the marriage but right now we are living in a different dispensation of time today you beat me because I believe there's a better way to deal with whatever we are going through you know even in marriage someone told me I think uh last year that someone told me actually last week someone told me like in their marriage the issues they have taken them three years to solve them why they tell themselves if we deal with this today we are going to hit each other we are going to separate so let's put it aside let us songa songa kido go when we have the energy we'll come back to it and now unopata such a couple they can live very long because they have not allowed each other to feel wherever you are you are the cause of problems in this relationship so umruna kwa na inferior that's like when you feel like I'm not enough so when you start feeling that you are not enough for example if my husband makes me feel at home I am not enough I go out there another man start making me feel that I'm enough definitely I'll start being diverted to that there is this aspect of ignorance or ignoring something is it advisable that you just don't solve all problems don't talk about every problem that arises because you know very well this problem is going to touch on my partner's sense of insecurity should you avoid talking about them now one uh I want to add something on what that brother commented about well what if you read that comment we will also discover sense of insecurity which our brother is insecure yeah I take it back to the ladies yes women we are not so good to be pushed to the wall when you push us so hard then we come to a point of no return you know the man we man man okay a woman you can beat even break her leg she'll come back to you you sit down and say darling please I'm sorry I can't imagine I've done this she will forgive you and you will start life again but when you push a man to the wall that you are toxic you are you know troublesome you are negative if if you tell that this man this kind of all those things you are you want to really you are too bothersome you know you can be too negative you are so insecure that you don't appreciate anything you don't even appreciate the efforts of this man coming home and providing for the family some of them you know at times I had a friend of mine telling the wife that you don't know what I have to go through to put food on top of the table what was that man really trying to say will you just one day appreciate me now for now if a man is pushed so bad okay they might reach a point of no return that's where our brother would be talking from where he will not where he will not tolerate so this is so when you say a man is pushed we are talking about when you keep on insulting him you keep on telling him that you are worthless you cannot do anything look at all the other men are doing yeah you are not you are not rising up to the occasion you are not good in this or that put it even this way some of these things we put men and sometimes we put women in doing what they never intended to do for example this evening you come home very late maybe you are held up after some work you are doing some business and you are held up and maybe the jam and you are arriving home late unusual uh to your normal timetable and rival time then this car insecure lady who is not here actually is saying oh so mama listen i will talk okay so today you enjoyed now this man was genuinely doing some business running some errands to at the end of the day make ends meet coming home then you develop an idea because of insecurity develop an idea that he was meeting some people uh maybe anekwana enjoy pahali one so you begin to push this man in that direction you are trying to suggest to this man this is what you should do and eventually this man might end up doing what you are suggesting as i said earlier david was not intending to take over from sol but sol pushed him towards that direction and actually according to me the uh sol made david the king because you remember at one point when david came and goliath was there and he removed all his military attire gave to david and all the the the the sign of authority gave to david all these things were happening because the man was thinking something that david was not thinking so sometimes when you think something negatively about my wife uh coming home and you know is smelling nice and i've never heard i've never felt that kind of perfume so who are you meeting today i'm trying to make her think that she could be meeting some people in town in other words the more you keep on accusing your partner of something yes they hide the chances of them doing that which you accuse them of no of doing exactly and that is what the devil will sell for them i think uh i think he has mentioned something very important saying there's something that you keep on saying it happens that's why i say it like insecurity is a state of mind a good example if today i wake up in the morning and i start thinking hey could this man be cheating on me so there immediately there is a sign that have been sent to my brain yeah like this man is cheating on you so what will happen from that day henceforth i will start having that mind so i'll start being very very observant of every every small thing for example he comes home late oh yeah i think now yes that's going to see that person i have for example maybe someone calls you and just excuse yourself hey he's even talking to that person hi sometimes he'll come that's the way he has said maybe he went to the office meet with so many people he's now smelling a different perfume hey even he's close as many a different perfume so i that that that person will call like i will create it in my mind in my head in my head and let me tell you the truth when you start creating something in the head whether that the brain is very powerful and your mind is very powerful the moment you start creating something in your head imagine you can even start seeing them physically that's that's the power of imagination actually they say that the biggest nation it's your imagination because it can you can see everything so the moment you start seeing like this person is cheating on me i'm telling you start even seeing it with your own eyes that time even a text from his cousin hi dear they start disturbing you why is this cousin calling him dear you get it's because this has already been conceived in your mind so now you start now giving birth not what you conceived now it's not now bringing some miscommunications and also misunderstandings now when now you reach to a point of having misunderstandings now you start arguing with your partner to a point where you now you want to argue to win but in marriage and in relationship you don't argue to win you argue or you have a misunderstanding to come to a conclusion but now anytime that you have that misunderstanding of that my partner is cheating on me or my partner is doing this and this and this you will always argue to win you know okay you're saying in marriage don't argue to win argue to come to a conclusion to come to not to actually to have to come up with a solution to come up with a solution but not to win well i want to take a short break um after this break i want us to touch on yet one particular aspect when you have that close friend and your partner is not comfortable around that friend it's also an insecurity yes we are saying it's an imagination but yes you keep talking to that friend you chat you text you visit each other they know your family you know their family technically you're so close that your partner doesn't like it yeah is it a problem is it because of worry the hashtag is power talk show on twitter at rama google at y254 channel keep testing and keep tweeting and show that you also head over to our facebook page on y254 and dropping your comments i'm seeing so many comments we shall sample there as we continue with this conversation it's all about insecurities how do you deal with an insecure partner is it a mental issue or is it just in their mind let's take that break we'll be back in a bit this is power talk why 254 imagine as always it is a pleasure being with you thank you for keeping it power talk this is where we are talking about insecurities in relationships i'm seeing so many feedbacks that are coming from our viewers my director will be you know putting them up on our screens we shall sample them up as we continue with this conversation it's all about dealing with an insecure partner what are signs of insecurities what are some of the solutions towards handling an insecure partner before we went on a break we i mentioned that we shall touch on on dealing with an insecure partner in terms of what exactly was that yeah friends people who are close to you they call you they text you every day you know ladies call them bffs and they're they're the opposite sex they can even go to parties going for sleepovers together is it right it determines or it affects how you relate to the people mm-hmm it affects how you talk to people it affects how you see people it affects how you also live for example you have a friend i have a friend and my wife is insecure about this friend one what i need to ask myself is that uh where is this coming from what is the root cause of this could it be because of her past because maybe somebody grew up in a family where such kind of cases were there the father of the mother was cheating on or any of them and uh that was the norm of life then this girl this man grows up in this family knowing there's something called cheating there's something called people cannot just be friends for friends there must be something behind it so this lady or this man growing with this kind of stigma in him or in her coming to a relationship or coming to marriage if this thing is not solved or squared in him or in her it begins to affect how he's going to relate with his partner mo so his partner's friends is he going to see that maybe what my mom or what my dad was doing could be exactly what my partner is doing with these friends so i see it also coming from the way we were abroad it comes from past experiences now me if you ask me how i should deal with this person number one i should understand what is the root cause of this problem number two i should be open enough very open enough in my relationship with my friends to really kill any doubt and clear the air that i'm dealing with these friends as friends not any other thing now that you're saying before or during a relationship or okay before you really dwell deeper with someone know their background yes yes but now if you realize that because of their background they have a sense of insecurity because of their past they have some sense of insecurity should you continue even in the line of dating before you even marry them well you can continue one you need to help them because i believe when two people come together there must be a purpose a reason bringing this together you cannot just drop somebody off the line simply because you realize that her mother was not stable in her marriage you cannot just drop somebody because you realize the father was not at home number one understand the root cause number two be compassionate handle these people with dignity or if they feel like you're having you're handling them with the kids gloves you know that they is too much pity yeah what they'll get even offended that you are pitting them no no uh people who are going through this thing number one what they also like is a sense of love they feel they are not loved normally people who are going through insecurity they are biggest problem number one they feel they are not loved okay so they need to be handled with love and dignity let me come to you Emma that particular aspect of friends i know this it affected you at some point in the past because of the story that you gave earlier when you feel insecure about the friends your partner has how should you handle it okay uh i think it is um as an individual we all have our friends and uh they say if you want to be an ego you stop hanging around chicken and again being married does not again mean that you draw away your single friends that's right but you need to look at friends like for example i need to ask myself a question anytime i meet with ram anytime i meet with you what do i grow or what happens to me like if i talk to you for five minutes does it really change my life or what what does that affect me i'll give an example i i i used to have a friend in the okay she's still my friend but i kept my distance because i realized this friend every time we would meet she would really lie to me like she would lie lie lie i went to this country i just came back from Nigeria i just came back from South Africa and so i i i think we all have such kind of friends so what used to happen to me anytime i would meet with her i would start feeling like why am i not having this kind of a life then by the by the time that i came to know like she was lying to me i was like how stupid could i have been thinking about all this you get so i so after sitting myself down i realized she was affecting me negatively you know she was making me feel like i am not important hey why why can't i go to this country why can't i do this and this and this but again i have another friend who we have been friends for for i think seven this is i think almost our eighth year and i think every time that i am i am down spiritually i am down emotionally most of the time i would run to her because i know anytime i am with her i will feel alive so just look at how you feel when you are with them now look at your friends actually they say show me your friends and i can tell the type of person you are so if you cannot tell me if they make you feel good if they make a better if they make you feel good what do you help each other with because i believe friendship is a two way thing we benefit from each other i help you you help me are we growing each other or are we killing each other because i believe if we are good friends we will always build each other now when you get into a relationship that's now where you need to be very careful with the friends that you have i'll give you an example of the same same friend so there was this this guy who was catering me and now i was just so i just said you know the way you talk as friends i told i told the friend and i told her so i told so as we were just talking there so we are friends and we are young we are single i told her you know so i was just talking to my friend now it happened i was just talking to my friend and she told me that i was in her house so i'm talking to this guy do you know what she did i told her to come back ground and you know that was the end of me and that guy the guy was like oh so that's what you talk behind my back to your friends you get so from that day i learnt myself on the hard way and i said you know what the next time i'm not going to do this so and then again when i started dating it changed everything because maybe then the time that i used to go for sleep of us i don't know for word for word now i have someone that i'm committed to so now i have to change my lifestyle but as you continue when your partner when your partner doesn't like the friends you keep that partner has an insecurity no there must be a solution there must be a reason why there must be a reason yeah because you talk too much you're too close what if you just don't like it no okay okay there's those friends who want to for example if i'm in a relationship they want to be part of my relationship they want to give ideas oh i have not this person for this number of times you just met her the other day i know she loves it emma loves this emma likes this your partner doesn't like it so of course even me i'm not like that for example even him maybe he has friends who are trying to interfere with our relationship also i will not want that so i would i'm not telling you to keep off your friends but i think it's upon you to choose who benefits your relationship or rather who is supposed to be in your relationship or who is not supposed to be because even family don't even talk about friends even family sometimes their family will come into your relationship or into your marriage and just destroy everything so you need to be very careful who you relate with and what you talk about do you have those people that your partner is close to and uh you just don't like that they're close and then you're like uh who you he he said that you cut off the friendship or to the kusama some people get get to that level well those people there some of them are people who are toxic to my partner they are giving my partner headache for no reason i will not like them they are giving up pressure for no reason i will not like them i know you love sister so and so but it's not helping you because anytime you talk we are like arguing so every time they go for a visit when they visit they blast when he comes back he's not in mood even when you greet he's greeting you like uh where when you let him go say yet i'm a toashida kuleji so i will not really tolerate such kind of people but now i think uh looking at uh also from this perspective before you start a relationship number one have time to know each other know this person very well what type of a woman she is what type of a man she is like me um this person who talks so good with everybody i don't know how to really define that um that outgoing person you know extra for somebody who just loves everybody um understand who this person is number two counter level where you introduce yourself to your friends let your partner know who are your close friends okay that whatever comes you cannot really pathways who are these people who are these people who are inspire your life never communicate let your partner know yes who you are and what you are then the things you introduce your partner to your friends don't surprise your partner on your wedding day that you know this is my body and you give him such a very hot hug in front of me and i didn't know this guy before so introduce your friend i mean your partner to all your friends then this will build confidence in your partner when these friends are coming home when these friends are calling but again after marriage or when you are now committed in a very serious relationship make your friends know now they are boundary exactly if they use now a marriage yes if they used to really come to your house like every day they need to know that you need some privacy when sometimes you can just be in your kinias you are asked band in your in his kinias and you are also in your pyjama they're just running around hide and seek and jamaa na piga odi odi apa you are destroying our moment number two let them know at what time now they should be calling you they used to be calling you like even later hours what is going on when you but now make them understand that you know from this time you cannot call me now i'm with my husband i'm with my wife it doesn't mean that a garage needs to come out no actually it's a different season you know we have seasons in life you have season for example my best friend is getting married next week and yesterday i told her hey please come for a sleepover this week so that you can sleepover for the last time before you get married you know but now i need to understand that now after now marriage now now that's it you know i don't expect her to come i want to touch on something else it's already we've not touched on argument now you're with your partner and you're fighting i don't even like how you your body is you're not even beautiful i don't even like how your hair is i don't like how you you do your makeup that is if if it's a man talking about the woman if it's a woman ah you're not even you're not even man enough that was some will say you're not even good in reading the constitution you're not even good in you don't even provide money you don't pay my school fees you're not even man enough some other men are buying things buying land in rwai you're not even good enough they'll compare with other men they'll tell you they don't like your they don't like your height and they don't like your voice you have a new sense they'll have been tolerating you for all this time in arguments how can you avoid mixing issues bringing up insecurities and breaking up your own marriage in the process we're in enoma you know let me tell you um as i said earlier we do not argue to win but that is what most of us do we argue to win even if you feel like you're right yeah you know we yeah another thing is that um in a relationship or in marriage okay if i before i get there we as human beings if you want to know the truth of how i feel about you you know when you're angry because when you in that state now when like when you're angry now is when you bring out everything that was inside of you so there is no this excuse that i said it out of anger no no no it has been there you are just looking for an opportunity to bring it out you believe me if i'm wrong me that's what i believe okay when you're angry is when you say everything is when you and everything that you are restored inside everything and you kumai store now you bring it out but now this is what i would say about when you're arguing with someone do not argue to win another thing when you when you know you want to argue with actually this one this one i learned i learned the hard way if you're arguing with your partner you are in control of how you want that argument to end that's what it is use emotional intelligence you are in control of how you want it to argue let me tell you kitambo when i started dating that i last year i keep to go and i give back a five hours not still bad under lalaka man make a silika we've not just the other day i just told myself we can have a misunderstanding and still at the end of the conversation we can still smile and laugh and tell each other we love i love you have a good night let's continue tomorrow why you need to apply emotional intelligence at the end of the day the solution is in your hands the both of you no matter how much we argue no matter how many hours we argue at the end of the day the solution is with us now we are in control for example when you're driving ram and we are like 10 drivers on the road you either want to control your car i'm on the steering for example when we when we get at a globe round about you cannot take the globe around about then you enter town and you know you're supposed to come here now i have an issue that particular perspective whereby the you've said you're the one who is in control of the argument yes but the man will say i am the head of this yes i am the one who controls this are you now saying that you you want to be the head over the man okay now i'm not saying about being the head it's okay we are arguing and you have come with a perspective of i am the head you know what i will do i will let you do it as your as the head and then as an intelligent woman i will agree with you it's okay babe is that what you think as the head of the as the head of this house it's okay it's fine after i have agreed with you i'll wait the time that will come down then i'll tell you by the by the actually i'd say it's laughing because again you don't want to breeze the man's ego you know you and then you don't want to breeze his ego i want us to go to facebook and then i'll come to you for to give your your thoughts uh someone dropped in a comment there uh on facebook well uh huh hey this is an interesting conversation today well janet anasema in case of his securities in a relationship it is good to talk to your partner and reason together make them understand that it's them you choose make them understand but it is them you choose now let me start with the what uh i was bringing in every relationship whenever any argument comes up the day you will feel like proving that you are right you lose it is either you want to be right or you want to be happy they normally say that in most debates it's only the women who lose win yeah there's a talk which somehow there's a philosophy which i agree with when you're arguing at the end of the day make a woman win somehow it helps them most so when somebody is too deep in insecurity but let me put it this way the moment you want to win an argument and remain right and your wife is wrong you don't just lose yourself but you lose everybody or everything even the whole marriage yeah in marriage we don't talk to win in marriage we don't have a conversation to be right in marriage we have a conversation to help one another each other we have a conversation to build each other now what happens in the process of having this particular conversation and people end up saying things that they regret people say things that end up hurting your feelings even bruising you as a man until you until you wonder because they say uli sama ii uli ama ii ni liyo hoa is this the man that i married is it is this the woman that i married that comes when somebody wants to win you know when you are so obsessed in winning an argument you will try to do whatever it takes to win it even when it means hurting your partner so long as i win the argument but when you understand that after winning argument you are going to lose your partner then you bring this conversation in a way that at the end of it all it is a win-win situation i win he wins i win she wins how do you ensure that happens is it even possible that that even wins an argument it's possible it's possible actually i have mastered i have mastered something and i no longer see um those like as arguments misunderstanding all issues in a relationship i call them a topic of discussion so actually and by the actually it has really helped me as a person because the moment you put it because the moment you put it as as an issue it will become an issue you know if you put it as a misunderstanding but now if you address it as a topic of okay like babe let's talk about this so uh and then sometimes they will even ask you had a question do you think i've been this person may tell him yes i think you have been that person even if it has them let me tell you if you are humble enough as a man you will always go okay you might not say yes to a woman like oh by that point you are right but when you are inside do you just go and tell yourself for example i used to be very stubborn in relationships okay and just can't tell you me msumbwa because nili kuja nili kuja nili menta ditia mimi nimi melelua kiviangu you know i have been my own boss so this this is what i wanted to miss independence i have been there you know paying my bills doing my own things so nani am bianini you get na kama eikitunin sumwa for months before i could just agree like now and there are many women who are who have the same same perspective honestly it was a problem with me because i would feel every time why are you telling me to do this me i want to know how did you manage it how did you get out of it so what happened as time went by i said telling myself Emma now it's no longer about you i stopped using that term me i stopped using myself i stopped using i now it is we for example any decision i make the first thing i ask myself how is it going to affect josh if i want to go to this place if i want to hang with these friends if i want to use money like this how is it affecting him so the moment it becomes we it changes the whole narrative now in the process of fighting how should partners handle the situation control themselves and withhold themselves from same things that could be helpful to their to their you know important other now before even we get to fighting or before it gets to that level of violence one i go back to what Emma said when you are listening to your partner don't listen to answer or to challenge exactly listen to understand listen to understand because that's where most people get it wrong yeah when you listen to your partner to challenge it you are triggering violence because like a man they easily provoked if he's trying to bring a point that darling you know you said this thing in the morning and i didn't feel so good that is not a good way how wise women should talk and you know some of them will oh i know i'm a fool i knew it i knew it she was listening to challenge but not to understand anytime a healthy conversation of a of partners or in a good health relationship whenever your partner is raising a point listen to understand and please appreciate their views when he tells you that darling you know in the morning you didn't talk to me so well you are so rude please before you challenge that even when they are wrong please appreciate that they are concerned i want i want to ask you as a man yes your partner um let's say one day you get into an argument and then she mentioned something that is that you're struggling with how do you handle that one you feel so bad like for example at one point you might find that your partner fell in a problem example at some point he cheated and you found that you know he's cheating you'll be hurting that man or that woman forever when you want to remind him of what he or she did you are not helping you are only putting adding more salt in already bleeding wound so i'll feel bad but now if you want to protect that marriage face it as a constructive information accept it in a positive way that yes this is the truth i have to face it and what if it you're not married you're still in the dating process and then you get into an argument and then someone your significant other mentioned something that you are struggling with that ends up hurting you one what you need to understand when we are coming together we are building each other so maybe god is using him to help me know who i am to me any negative feedback coming sometimes i take it as a something that is coming to help me now i used to say this thing which some people didn't agree with that you know in a church it is good to have this women nambawana penamushene in a church yeah it is good to have them because they engage how you deal with some things when you greet uh ema and you like uh praise the lord how are you uh and you are still holding a hand and they will say hey oh lianna oh lianna now they are alam telling you that yes we are doing a good thing but maybe you are overdoing it okay so when this negative things that attack your confidence come ask yourself one question is it true or false and if it is true take it as something that is helping you to develop and overcome that situation or overcome that challenge i want to give you also a chance to answer the same same question you are in an argument he mentioned something that you're struggling with it obviously doesn't suit well with you how do you handle it in the case where you're married in a case where you're not yet married you're planning to get it to marriage okay i think i mean that that the last one planning to get married and i think i can confidently say it has really helped me as a person because sometimes he would tell me something because like okay he's in zako okay that's that yours it's not a must i do what you said but if i do that mistake again and again and again definitely it is hurting him and it is hurt i'm also hurt so i tell myself okay why have you been doing this you feel like this if i go with this in my marriage it will not work so i have to drop it i'm not saying it is good to keep on reminding your your partner on their weaknesses but also if you're mature enough you will take correction well because i believe some of us if we were not came by our mothers we would not be here so we you need to take the correction well but again you as as the other person how are you saying it you get how so you know what i'm saying bring me a truth brush and tell me babe it would be nice if you used this truth brush and this toothpaste as a wise person i know what you are telling me but don't come you know like just dumping it on my face like you need to do this and this and this always find the right language actually i believe every marriage has its own language there is something that my partner can tell me i laugh about it i tell the other person they get angry about it so i believe it's a way you you you talk to your partner it's a way you address it uh there's a question here on online and this is steve steve and aliza what if you realize your partner has issues with her body how do you deal with them okay body has seen physically or maybe well uh i don't know steve would uh you you clarify that whether it's physically but uh let's give in different perspectives to nizongelelia pusu maybe in their health or they have you know that that's your weight it is an issue for for many people and it's affecting her yeah how do you handle it uh i think it's coming from i i know women who are really affected by physical uh but i think um for example if i'm physically okay like the way i am as emma but maybe i have another health challenge i think it will be so it will be uh how do i say it i i will not be selfish not to tell my partner for example we have seen issues where a woman knows knows that she cannot conceive but she she goes ahead and gets married without telling their partner so which brings some other trouble in marriage also men there are some men who cannot conceive but they they don't tell the partner but i believe if you love someone and if you genuinely love someone you will always open up to them and let them love you for who you are uh let me come to your reaction to that question how did a partner who has an issue with their body but let's give an example maybe your your wife feels as though maybe they are not they don't have that figure eight or something like that make understand that just within 10 30 seconds yes make understand that you are part of that let her know that you appreciate her and you are happy with her that way the way she is yeah and if she should want to go to this life for i mean gym and all those things and you know body exercise please be part of that encourage her to go that life go with her go with her support her i want us to to finish the drop this conversation my director is telling me that time is on our side so i want us to wrap it up 30 seconds each tell us uh uh speak to the viewers outside there how do you deal with that insecure partner just wrap it up in a very good knot our take home for the day jerry started with you 30 seconds okay what i'll say is that uh as a person as an individual doubt those doubts when you're doubting your partner doubt that doubt again uh look at the at the root cause of your doubts where you getting is it from friends is it from okay where are all these triggers coming from and also deal with it with a lot of wisdom don't go just punching someone don't go you know throwing words at someone just deal with that person with a lot of wisdom in a very mature way life is uh 10 percent what happens to your 90 percent how you react to it accept who you are believe in yourself appreciate who you are and sometimes don't just be focused on what is what you think is missing in you also be concerned about what you contribute in other people's life and when you meet these people handle them with love accept them handle them with dignity above all know that jesus christ loves you the way you are and that's the call every day come unto me all all meaning all people coming from all types of work accept that the lord jesus christ loves you thank you thank you so much that is Rev. Rev. Kocho and uh uh Emanjari joining us in this particular conversation on dealing with insecurities final my final word i would like to end with a quote as always sometimes our thoughts are back to buy so much insecurity that they create lies we believe relationships fail when people take their own insecurities and project them as their partner's flaws think about that may god bless you may god bless the heart of your hands my name is Ram Maguko this has been a pleasure it has been a pleasure being with you from the beginning till the end i was with Evans Kocho and Emma so thank thank you very much for coming thank you for having us i want to thank everyone who ensured this show was a success again a teamwork in a run even Miriam may god bless you guys we have come to the end of this show repeat of this program comes again tonight at 10 pm to our fans and our viewers may god bless you may god bless the work of your hands my name is Ram Maguko this is power talk