 So today we're going to talk about the five stages men must go through before they fully commit to you and The last one you might find a little bit controversial here, but I think if you look at it, you might make sense to you So you know what occurs to me is that we are swimming in a sea of uncertainty when it comes to dating mating and relating particularly in the area of Commitment and relationship it is rather uncertain these days Because if you look at it the vast majority of people these days are not in a fully committed relationship We see so many hookups friends with benefits Situationships or casual relationships and this is making up the predominant group of people that are actually interacting at an Interpersonal human bonding perspective or let me refrain that a romantic perspective. I Think it's because Marriage for a lot of people as I'm going to use marriage as an example for a lot of people could be taboo when you think about the okay, so Folks if you're up like a tail-end baby boomer or Gen X or like me And you're watching this channel chances are you are divorced? I would roughly say about 75% of singles over 45 years are divorced and For a lot of people divorce comes with it a really nasty taste in their mouth about wanting to be married again Partially because marriage is an agreement with the government You know because by the way for those who've gone through divorce You know this because the government gets to decide how you live your life during this Transition if you will versus the way two people might want to go about it And the government is like the referee if you will for some people they don't want the government to be the referee but Needless to say we are seeing a significant percentage of people who would prefer to live together Then actually get married together, but even living together isn't a guarantee of relationship success so to me Okay, folks. I'm here. I'm a big advocate for partnership. I'm a big advocate for all in Relationships all in relationships and what that means is for better for worse sicker poor richest and health all that good stuff I'm more a proponent for that and yet I recognize that a significant percentage of you may not be fully capable of reaching that for for some of you a friends with benefits type of a relationship is actually Okay, whether you're a man or woman the most important thing is if you choose a hookup of friends with benefits a casual relationship Is that you're honest with yourself you're honest with yourself and you're certainly in Transparency with another human being that this is where it gets tricky for many of you because you find yourself in a Relationship with the man and you think it's potential of a serious relationship and his mind It's just friends with benefits. You just don't know about it quite frankly He doesn't know about it because a significant percentage of people are known as what I that are actively dating today Are spenders and here I'm going to show you this chart three types of people actively dating This is not a fact. It's merely an opinion. There are the users roughly about 20% They seek short-term game. They are the love bombers the players the gold diggers the entitled the selfish people They only care about their own needs while over here I say they're grower and builders those are the people that seek long-term commitment Emotionally grown up have their act together Most everybody is in the spender category and the reason why they're called spenders is they want to spend time with you They want companionship. They want connection. They want sex, but they're incapable of anything deeper They're fearful of commitment or worse. Their life is in some level of dysfunctionality So no wonder it's confusing for many women out there Particularly women tend to have a propensity more so for commitment than men I believe I think men seek freedom a little bit more But this is the lines are getting very blurred in this area for men and women alike So if you Okay, so if you're a woman watching my channel or a man watching my channel and you've done Personal development self-help and spiritual work much like what I talk about in my book. What the heck a self-love anyway There's a link below to get a copy of my book If you've done the work you've really done the work to heal childhood wounds and adult traumas You've really done the work to heal those childhood wounds and adult traumas and you state to yourself I want a significant relationship. Now, let me be clear when I say childhood wounds and adult traumas. I'm not talking about Severe abuse both verbal or physical abuse It could we all experience some level of Microtrauma growing up some of it is so benign It could have simply been a kid in the playground that was mean to you and that has an emotional effect on a child You know it used to be when we lived in tribes There was a there was a sense of Comradering a community within the tribe we here in the United States living a melting pots and Melting pot and there are a lot of children that were budding up against each other in the playground That they didn't probably exist hundreds if not thousands of years ago to the same degree Emotionally speaking mainly because emotionally speaking survival was the most important factor in someone's life hundreds if not thousands of years ago, so So we've all experienced these Microtrauma's these micro PTSD if you will and so it's really incumbent upon everyone to explore their negative patterns They're limiting beliefs in their life and how that affects them from a romantic perspective You're probably going Jonathan when the fuck are you gonna when the heck are you gonna get to these five stages? Okay? I'm gonna get to it bear with me. I Think it's important to I didn't establish the framework You know, it's interesting. I was watching a video some months back where I can't remember who it was talking about the 90-day rule and the 90-day rule basically and this is there's a lot of different versions of 90-day rule It's basically when a man is invested 90 days in a woman where you're seeing each other on a regular basis There's most likely a chance that this has some legs for something more serious that the typical arc of Relationships sometimes they can crash and burn all inside of one or two dates or they crash and burn inside of three weeks Or they crack or excuse me They take off like a rocket and crash and burn within one or two dates They take off like a rocket and crash and burn within a few weeks They take off like a rocket and begin to crash and burn within six weeks But if you get to the 90-day mark These are the things I'm going to be talking about today and ultimately when I talk about full commitment. I'm saying all in Okay, so what I'm about to share with you is from the tuck Here's my notes. Okay from the Tuckman's stages of development This is basically the Tuckman stages of development for groups and I'm going to apply it to romantic Relationships so you can Google Tuckman's stages of development stages of development and the four primary ones that were discussed first was forming Forming okay, just like within a group in more about in romantic relationships We form bond or attach to another human being through attraction as I said earlier those 90 days is where we're building some level of rapport with someone We're building we're feeling attraction for another human being we're feeling some synergy with another human being We're feeling some familiarity with another human being The reason why I say human being is you know, we're just talking about men and women Okay, but there's this forming stage. You're just getting into places. Are you building some level of trust? I've always said it takes about a hundred hours of face-to-face time To build the first layer of trust But Jonathan, I'm in a long-distance relationship. I can't see this person on a regular basis Yes, and this is why building trust over the telephone most of you have this belief that Incessant communication via our devices is an indicator of relationship success. No That's oftentimes known as artificial intimacy artificial intimacy This is just the this is barely building trust with another person through our devices and what I mean is either texting Telephone calling or even FaceTiming through face-to-face interaction. Can we form that deeper level of? Connection with another person so the first stage is norming and basically within those 90 days Are you spending a significant amount of time together? But Jonathan, I'm told to take it slow taking as slow as why people spend years in the wrong relationship I'm here to advocate a much faster approach to getting to know someone instead of this Marketing approach this snails pace approach that many people now I don't think you should give your heart too quickly to another but that's another storm story number two is storming storming Basically differences begin to emerge usually around the 90-day mark particularly in communication style and commitment desires particularly in communication styles and commitment desires When there is friction with another human being are you able to navigate this friction in a healthy way or an unhealthy way? If you're not familiar with my chart on emotional maturity and relationship skills, by the way, this is not a fact It's merely an opinion. This is my belief system. You don't have subscribed to this I believe roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues When it comes their emotional maturity and relationship skills and while I say 20% are healthy I'm being very very generous when I say 20% most everybody is in the dysfunctional category Myself included this is where most relationships tend to either have that friction Hey, it's 11 11 right now have that friction or during that storming phase where they oftentimes fizzle out Most humans lack really good communication skills They haven't if you haven't read the book nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I highly recommend this book To learn NVC and by the way, it should have been titled compassion by the way all the books I recommend are listed below I reckon it should have been titled compassionate communication. Why? Learning to express your desires and needs learning to express your concerns Requires a bit of bravery, but most importantly coming at it from the eye perspective instead of the you perspective You know, it's interesting Last Friday night. I had a client reach out to me She wanted some advice with the man. She had gone on one date with and I said Simply there was a misunderstanding. I said contact him right now Use the technique of NVC to communicate what you need to and she goes I can do that I go, yes, you can you can do that see ladies a lot of people unfortunately have That's basically it means duct tape over your mouth Unfortunately, a lot of people are fearful and I understand why many people are fearful But learning how to communicate in a more functional way is a challenge for most human beings It's one of the reasons why many Relationships never get off the ground because they're storming and they're not actually moving past the storms and building trust Because when you can move past a storm, you're building layer upon layer upon layer of trust So, you know that person's going to be there for the long term Number three norming Once you've overcome differences and The hole becomes greater than the parts in other words that the bigger picture matters most you'll begin to norm into a relationship Look at there's in the forming stages. There's all that excitement. There's the oxytocin. There's the dopamine There's the serotonin. There's I can't get enough of you Wouldn't it be great if it was that? 24-7 I mean, I'm certainly love the beginning stages It's one of the reasons why a lot of people are serial daters. They love that first date high They're always looking for that high But ultimately when you norm into relationship, you've built those layers of trust To establish that you're going to be there from hopefully that long-term all-in perspective It's once you norm and Yet even in the norming stage there can be friction there can be differences This is where dysfunctional people have a choice. They can work on their differences as a team Or they're gonna find themselves back in the dating marketplace once again and the fourth stage is performing now to me, this is a shared vision This is that idea of growing together of growing together as a couple Moving past our petty differences moving past our need to be I'm right. You're wrong This is why I'm not a big advocate that you know Men are the leaders of the relationship and a woman is just supposed to submit and follow because he's the leader I don't know if those work. I'm here a big proponent of co-creating something We're both people have an equal voice in the relationship and you work to resolve differences together But most importantly you are on the same page You have a shared vision with your life of where you see the trajectory of your life And you're beginning to work on it beyond the surface that so many Experience and yet that's one of the reasons why many people are incapable of doing anything But a casual relationship a Situation ship of friends with benefits or a hookup because going deeper as these levels suggest Requires Herculean work on both men and women alike it requires doing the difficult things it requires learning better communication skills But Jonathan, I'm a good communicator and a man isn't ladies I know you have a propensity to believe that just because you can vomit your emotions and he drive he says emotions You're better communicators. No learning how to Communicate your thoughts your feelings in and needs in a way that can be seen heard and understood is very rare I believe it's a very small percentage of a population of dude that are capable of doing this and I know every human thinks they're the exception not the rule because we live in this fantasy world that we are On some level every human believe Person every human believes that they're different Believe it or not. We are all way more alike in our dysfunction of our romantic Relationships it's self-evident by the fact that we have such a high divorce rate on second and third marriages Look at how high they are it just illustrates that we don't learn from our past experiences We repeat our past experiences Which leads us to this fifth stage Now According to the way I learned it through the Tuckman model memory said it's norming storming excuse me forming I did this last time forming Storming norming and performing and the fifth is adjourning adjourning See some relationships Have read their course You learned what you needed to learn from the relationship and it's okay to adjourn To adjourn if two people aren't on the same page in some way shape or form It's actually okay to adjourn. This is known as Conscious uncoupling conscious uncoupling the five steps to living happily even after this is my friend Wrote this book Catherine Woodward Thomas. I'm on page 220 so you might want to check out this book it's listed below But adjourning ending a relationship is absolutely okay Many of you witnessed in the last two years my journey of my most significant relationship and After a year and a half of being together. She or actually fit 14 months of being together Excuse me. She realized that this wasn't the right relationship for her and while I was sad And I didn't want to end it. I recognize it was the right thing to do to adjourn from this relationship because we weren't on the same trajectory and Yet we went through each phase folks there's nothing simple about Look at love is pure love is kind love is patient love is you know Corinthians Quote But if there's nothing easy about it two people forming together. I think is a Absolute beautiful blessing and maybe it doesn't go the distance and that is okay, too Because folks the most important relationship you're ever going to have is that relationship with yourself I'm such a big advocate for all of you to recognize it doesn't matter whether you get a man or woman in your life the most important relationship you're ever going to have is that one with yourself and so do the work and if you do the work of Healing your childhood wounds adult traumas and you operate from a place of integrity and with non-violent Communication NBC you might find yourself becoming a magnetic Attractor to what you want in your life, which I believe is that juicy delicious healthy happy relationship Is this sinking in is this resonating with you? Please? Let me know if it is post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts I do my best to read them all within the first 24 hours as always if you find value in this video Please hit that like button. Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell And if you want to connect with me check out the links below to a discovery call and all that other good stuff Get the books. I recommend follow me on Instagram join my group called midlife love mastery And I'm gonna sign off this videos I always do first off give myself a big gigantic John the bear of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now. Bye. Bye. Bye