 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan assay of Jonathan assay comm and I'm so excited to be sharing this live Stream with you today our topic the five hidden ways women sabotage their relationships and number three is when you don't want to do Really quickly if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button Hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos and at any time during this video if this content resonates with you Please do me a favor and hit that like button so it can be seen in the YouTube algorithms And if you're watching the replay right now really quickly I do the content first then I go to q&a So if you don't want to stay for q&a just the content first, but really quickly The q&a is really the best part of these live streams. So I hope you stick around All right, we're going to talk about those five hidden ways women sabotage their relationships and I want to lean into this for a second before I actually list those five things because I I truly believe that the vast majority of people who are in the dating mating and relating realm Certainly those of us are in midlife are hurting on the inside They're hurting on the inside from a variety of different places if you will What is certainly coming off of this pandemic most people have been rather lonely So there hasn't been a lot of dating going on or new Relationships going on or there's been relationships where you've been in close quarters for a long period of time um One is almost too much Connection and one is a lack of connection I repeat that one is a lack of connection one is too much connection And I do believe that's created a lot of stress in the relationship realm where you're at To you're at the one of the other end of the extreme And certainly those at least those who are single looking for love who have haven't really connected with a lot of people It can cause us to feel a lot of pain So I just want you to know Men women like are feeling a lot of angst in the dating dating or relating realm Now add to that if you've had some adult traumas and what I mean by adult traumas if you've had one two three four five six seven eight nine ten bad Experiences in the dating realm and bad can range from someone just ghosting you to someone being verbally abusive to someone being Making a lot of promises that they can't keep to Narcissistic behavior. I mean the list can go and on can go on and on So there's a valid reason why there's a lot of people hurting today And when a person is hurting on the inside They oftentimes Create walls and blocks in their life Or they create situations that cause them to sabotage a relationship because the reality is in this particular case If a person goes unhealed for a long period of time And there's already a built up fear or pain existing in the relationship realm Or maybe a belief about the opposite or the you know the opposites I was going to say opposite sex only because my audience is heterosexual. I don't want to exclude Those with different orientations But my predominant audience is women in midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement And I mostly work with women So when we've had bad experiences with the opposite sex a lot of times we create judgments and And we create a lot of animosity and there's bitter and jadedness I just want to say If you're feeling any of this you're not alone. You're not alone And sadly when someone is approaching a new relationship With a lot of pain inside of them it can cause them to as I said a moment ago sabotage their relationships Now I've got to tell you something as a man who's who is out in the he's single looking for love and has put himself out on Most of the dating apps to be seen by single eligible people I've gone on lots and lots of dates over, you know, my lifetime where I could literally be sitting across the table from a woman You know at a dinner table on a first or second date and I can literally see every man that's ever hurt her standing behind her I'm your pete I can literally see every man that hurt her standing behind her by the energy that she puts out by the Tonality of her voice by her descriptors around relationships And so my invitation for everyone here is this What's past is prologue What's happened in your past you can't change that What you can do is change your perspective going forward and my invitation for everybody Is to at least do your best do your best to when you meet someone new Operate from a place of what's known as beginner's mind beginner's mind and what that means is You know, whatever this person sitting across from you hasn't hurt you So taking past her into the into the scenario Is most likely going to create some situations where you might sabotage relationship So let's jump into the five hidden ways that women's sabotage relationships And number one is what I've turned by the way, I'm gonna put my trusty glasses on For those who are on the live stream. I'm thanking everyone Lisa Kathy and so forth. I can just see right now But the first one is what I call irrational jealousy irrational jealousy now that's different from Valid gender jealousy. So let me give you an example of valid jealousy You're dating a man. You're in relationship. You're sleeping together And you see that he's liking lots of pictures on instagram of sexy when and and he's writing flirtatious messages This is oftentimes we see this in the social media realm And when we see that that gives you a valid reason to be I don't want to say jealous But to be concerned you have a very valid reason to be concerned because a man who genuinely wants to be in a healthy happy relationship Isn't going to do that Isn't going to do that people that are just still sniffing around and you know, you know playing a casual And have no direction in the dating realm. They certainly might continue a behavior that might create pot So to the extent that we call that valid jealousy, I want to say there's a valid reason to be concerned But let me give you an example of an irrational jealousy and this oftentimes happens with women who have trust issues They already have built-in trust issues and it might be because maybe their parent was Unfaithful to their other parent that might create trust issues Maybe there might be a past relationship where there's been a betrayal and there's trust issues But let me give you a personal example of something that happened to me one time I was in a relationship with a woman It happened to be a long-distance relationship I typically don't like doing long distance relationship But we met through facebook and we had a good connection with one another and we dated and I a Happened to be still a still very close to my previous relationship And when I say by close I want to say we were friends Now to the extent that we were being on you know Talking at intimate levels with one another with my past relationship or bolching any Confidential information about I got to turn off my phone about my existing relationship that wasn't happening We have many mutual friends and the person I was with initially had a big issue with that Well that created a lot of frustration for me But to the extent that my ex-girlfriend I were friends It wasn't like we we saw each other every weekend and talked on the phone We just had a social circle which included everyone and we would connect on social levels and see one another But this woman I dated had a real anxiety over that Add to that not anxiety, but really disdain for it and add to that I'm in a profession where I talk to women all day long I am the worst person to date if you have trust issues because I'll be ringing every bell If you have that and I had a client put posts and some photos on facebook And I just wanted to give her some validation. I wrote the word wow and this woman. I was with went off the handle Yeah, is it valid for her to do that? I'm not here to judge that. I'm just here to say that caused me to Be less interested in this person. That's just what happened with me. Not that I got defensive over my my My actions, maybe I did get a little defensive But that made me question whether or not I could actually be myself Because I'm not the guy that's clicking on instagram and you know and uh, you know Snapchat or not snapchat with those other platforms. I'm not I wasn't doing that I have a professional life that causes me to connect with women And if someone has trust issues, that's going to create rational jealousy. In other words, it wasn't valid In fact, I'll just be candid with you in my previous relationship. I spoke up We had so much trust between us our computers would be open one another and I'd say here if you want to look at my phone any time That demonstrates trust But to assume somebody is being unfaithful when they haven't done anything That's an irrational jealousy and that will most likely sabotage your relationship. Does that make sense? Okay number two I wrote down texting too much I do believe that texting is good for you know, hey, I'm running late Hey, I you know, I'm just thinking maybe it might be a sweet flirt I'm thinking of you but some people have this some women as well as men this everything I'm sharing goes, you know with both genders, but some women have a propensity to literally vomit communication via text messaging and if there's incessant incessant incessant communication Oftentimes men don't communicate don't operate that way not all but most don't operate that way So there might be this pushing away with incessant Need for communication now part of that reason is because we know You know, most people aren't dating an environment where you live next door to someone and you can see each other on a regular basis I mean the minute there's five minutes of five miles of distance or more It's not as convenient to connect and so I understand the need for incessant communication But there's a danger of doing too much communication because it's going to push someone away Okay, so I'm just you know, I know many of you are told hey wait for man to text you But I've watched women in do this over and over and over again And I believe that again text messaging is for cute little flirt messages Hey, thinking of you with an emoji. Hey, I'm running late. Sometimes you can have a conversation with text. That's okay I'm not objective that but incessant communication can wear Am I back? I'm so sorry. We had an internet problem. So I really apologize for that Okay, so we were just talking about texting too much All right, let's talk about number three and this is the one I want everybody to be real Conscious and aware by the way, let me know if I'm back But real conscious and aware of number three which happens frequently Is what I call talking bad about other people talking bad about other people Here's the thing about talking bad about other people in particular talking bad about an x partner Talking bad about an x partner when one talks bad about an x partner um That's it. That's a sign of of I I say it's a sign of not taking personal Responsibility for one's choices and it's oftentimes pointing the finger at another human being Let me repeat that's not taking personal responsibility for one's choices And it's pointing the finger at another human being. This is one of the big challenges I see because most people especially divorce couple divorce people tend to Blame their partner for the relationship and they take zero ownership on their part Now I can tell you right off the bat. That's a significant turn on whether it's a man or woman doing it That's a turn off and it's actually a subconscious sabotage to truly connecting with another human being I repeat that that's a subconscious sabotage That truly allows you to connect to another human being because if you're carrying past hurts with you And you haven't taken ownership on your part. That's just a sign that you most likely are going to be Not very emotionally healthy to be in a future relationship. Now. Look, I understand you many of you might have very valid reasons For for lack of a better word throwing your previous partner under the bus But wouldn't it be likely that they also could say the same thing about you? I mean the the sad part today is people go into divorce courts Defending their position of why they're right Instead of taking ownership of why they even engage in such You know behavior and what I mean to say is when you compromise your standards and compromise your boundaries You've got to take ownership on that Unless I like how a dr. Pat allen says unless you have to call a doctor attorney over a policeman A doctor attorney a policeman you have to take ownership in every aspect of your relationship So that's oh god. My nose is itchy So by not taking ownership And talking bad about other people particularly about past relationships. That's a good chance You're going to be sending the wrong signal to the person you're with And it might sabotage your relationship Okay, number four number four Oh All right. I call this constant valid god dang it. My nose. Okay constant validation Constant about needing constant validation. Excuse me This is where so many women in particular Give their power away to men in other words your whole center. By the way men do this too, but your whole center around Your happiness is predicated on whether or not he's giving you attention loving you and then needing constant validation I can tell you that when I'm with look at I'm a leo My you know, I'm not words of affirmation. I'm words of adoration There is an element where I like feeling validated and it's natural to want to feel some validation But that need for constant validation that need for constant communication that need for knowing exactly Where you stand in your relationship all the time is most likely going to sabotage your relationship it takes a very understanding person to be able to to accept Someone's behavior of needing constant validation and constant support So i'm going to tell you that that's a really big one too In fact, I understand why that's happening because again if we don't if we're not spending regular time together doing social activities Hobbies and mutual interests or spending time with family and friends It's going to be problematic because are you really? Are you really truly getting to know one another at a heart centered level? A lot of times these days most people are dating This is how they're dating they're spending all they spend more time on this than they do face to face And i'm here to say constant validation is going to most likely sabotage your relationship and number five Actually, I got this one off the internet. I thought this was interesting um I was reading an article about hypergamy and And hypergamy i'm going to read you the definition of what I read The action of marrying or forming a sexual relationship with a person of superior psychology sociology and educational background marrying Again action of marrying or forming a sexual relationship with a person of superior So I call this women who are always trying to upgrade always trying to upgrade. In other words, they're not satisfied with what they have They always have to have better and better and better And so this is you know, I I have felt this many a times because I live in an afternoon Affluent area, but to be candid with you I don't own a big home and I don't have I did just buy a new car by the way um, but It is a sports car by the way But I don't have what a lot of my contemporaries in this area have and I know I've been rejected Because someone may have come to my home go. Oh, well, he just doesn't make enough money Now i'm not saying that that's val. I mean there everybody's entitled to how they want to operate. I'm not Suggesting that that's right or wrong. I'm just saying if you're constantly always trying to upgrade To do better and better that's you're going to be sabotaging What could be a really good relationship with someone and so my hope is that we recognize that Look at this process of dating mating relating. It's a mess. There's no doubt about it. It's a mess and um, it's a mess because The fact is is we're not meeting in truly healthy organic ways where we're meeting people who we actually know in our social circle Sadly most of the time 80 90 percent of all new connections are happening through our devices And everybody is a total stranger and when someone's a stranger It's hard to feel safe at any level Until you actually get to know someone This is why i'm a big proponent of approaching the process in a completely different way It's why i'm such a big proponent of learning to love on oneself Love on oneself. So the angst of the process doesn't have to bring you down It's why I wrote my book what the heck is self love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work There's a link in the description below Why I wrote this is because as a dating and relationship coach I've noticed the that dating triggers the number one emotional health issue facing almost everyone That is i'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and i'm not likeable And sadly dating triggers that this is why doing a deep dive into the personal development work I talk about in video after video after video is so hugely important So just to repeat those five hidden ways women sabotage relationships number one Irrational jealousy versus a real concern Texting too much talking bad about an ex or people in general um Needing constant validation And lastly always trying to upgrade those are just five simple examples to share with you And my hope is i've just offered a little bit of different perspective today Um, you know to the extent that any of you are doing this I'm a big proponent of doing personal development work While you're actively maybe searching for a mate or if you're currently in a relationship Do the work to make you a better human being for yourself Because when we are no longer dependent upon someone else for our happiness We actually open ourselves up to a potential amazing relationship and that's my invitation for all of you All right, we're going to take questions in a moment. I've got a couple shares first off before we take questions So I have a huge share. I got this coffee mug in the mail today It says love yourself. By the way, i'm drinking a moscow mule in here Love yourself Which is so apropos and I want to show you the card that came with it. So I want you to look at this card You're doing an effing great job And so I want to read to you what she shared with me before we take questions. She said jonathan I bet you'll be getting a lot of new mugs from your clients You mentioned needing new mugs in one of your videos. By the way, in my I have a private Facebook group called midlife love mastery. There's a link below to join my vip group But that's where I mentioned it and she goes on to say We folks who have gifts as our love language Feel compelled to respond Congratulations on your hundredth podcast. This mug is to thank you for equipping me For vetting dating and for self-love and life management Your insight into the male mind has transformed my life and made me a better person more empathetic human Huge hugs from kathryn in oregon. So I'm so grateful for that. Thank you so much kathryn big hugs to you All right, so let's jump into questions If you have a question, here's a couple things you can do you can purchase a super sticker or a super chat This pops up on my screen So I see it quickly all the money that I get from a super sticker or super chat goes to a foundation I started for my son right there Connor those of you know Who follow me know my son passed away Dang it's coming up on three years and the funds go to a foundation I'm starting as a scholarship fund to help people in their personal development endeavors. So that's my goal with that so If you want to purchase or if you want to write a question write the word question and then post your question So let's see what we have on the board today um Let's see Beth says this relationship with you has been the most satisfying. Thank you so much Melinda writes jonathan is on thank you um Valerie says I need balance in my life. Everything has to work or I am out way to go uh, let's see Good to be here for another great video. Thank you, Lisa. Let's see Let's find a question Again, write the word question then post your question um SJ says jonathan has told me to have self-respect go with your gut and stand up for yourself. Yes. Yes. Yes That's how you love on yourself um Robin says what I mean is jonathan knows what he's talking about. Thank you robin and SJ says for sure All right, let's see what kyle wrote. Domestic violence might read this again Domestic violence is not tolerable women or men. I had to get restraining order abs Back out of my husband because he almost took my I'm assuming life and my abs the force that hit him Dent of the fridge Again, if you have to call a doctor a policeman or an attorney This is time That's a great sign that it's time to move on from your relationship and seek legal counsel or seek If you ever have to do that. I'm a big proponent of that. So thank you for sharing um Okay, oh show or Oh F. I'm just going to call you oh f says question is my partner being a saboteur He had me clandestinely listen in on a phone call between his mother and himself Does this red read as misguided attempt to build trust or is it a big red flag? Well, I guess the question is why what was the purpose of the call with the mom is I mean without knowing the details It's hard to tell you if that's a red flag or not. I would think actually to me It's demonstrating a level of confidence that he actually wants you to be You know, listen in on something going on in his life. So to me that demonstrates a level of Confident and not an attempt a misguided attempt to a trust So it's kind of interesting you went there. Although. I mean you might have a very valid reason. That's not where I went I saw it as an opportunity where that's building trust, you know with you by demonstrating that, you know, he Values your opinion You know misguided I I mean someone who would have to have a real twisted mind To be able to think of that as a way of of building misguided trust I mean that seems very unlikely to me, but that's quite possible again not knowing the circumstances of what was discussed I would say it's hard to say all right Rebecca gave me a super sticker. Thank you so much. I appreciate that Rebecca um Let's see if you have a question post the oh if you have a question post the word question and then write it out Okay, lisa has just written a question um Question what are some first steps into letting the other partner know that there's some personal work that have to be done on In order to better the relationship. Okay I'm gonna what let me read that one more time. What are some of the steps into letting the other partner know? So i'm a big proponent that it's not our job to tell someone what to do Okay, that is very motherly especially when it comes from a woman to a man that can be very motherly And that can come off that can actually sabotage your relationship So we're gonna add number six to the category is being motherly in other words telling someone what to do Now i'm a big proponent of leading by example This is why I recommend to so many women that if they're having you know If you know if you watch my videos, you know before the penis goes inside the vagina Everybody should be reading this book eight dates and what I highly encourage that if you're exploring a relationship with someone That you grab this book and give it to him Buy two copies and say hey before we truly dive into exploring a relationship together Let's see if we're a good fit with one another's this you could do a lot of this You could do over the phone and you could actually Accomplish a lot in a short period of time to see if it's worth investing with one another So that's one thing I would do rather than telling someone you need personal development work I would you know one thing is you can give a gift of these books and tell them how much They mean to you and how important it would be for them to read these But quite frankly The vast majority of the population is resistant to personal development self-help and spiritual work Because it causes that will cause them to have to break out of the mold of the egoic way that most human beings live And most human beings live in the egoic fear-based way of living. This is why this book Has ruined it for women the book the rules. This is a A manipulative fear-based way of approaching relationship and has ruined so many relationships because it works Only temporarily for a nanosecond. It does not build healthy happy relationships with one another This is why if you want to build a healthy happy relationship with one First read the material I talk about on a regular basis and then introduce it to your partner Again ladies if you're listen The minute you start dating someone That's a vetting process to decide if you want to be in relationship with them And the minute you decide to be in relationship with them That's a vetting process to decide if you want to have something more serious So stop being so cavalier and be intentional about the process Stop expecting men to be the leaders of the relationship. Most men are fucking clueless. They're winging it They have no idea of how to build a healthy happy relationship because they don't buy these books They buy the personal development books, but they don't buy the books like Trying to think of You know the the relationship books for example, barba de angeles. Are you the right one for me another barba de angeles book How to make love all the time men aren't buying these books women buy these books So you're being educated and by the way, I want to introduce Do you to a great book? I haven't talked about this before but calling in the one by kathryn woodward thomas This is a fantastic book to learn how to really get prepared to be in a healthy happy relationship And by the way a little side note On my back cover right there Right there kathryn wrote uh an endorsement for my book. She said Jonathan asley has written a simple and elegant approach to one of life's most important questions kathryn woodward thomas new york times best-selling author of calling in the one New york times best-selling author gave me some props on my book. By the way, she is a personal friend of mine But again, I highly recommend reading this book and actually show it to a man you're dating Show it bring this stuff up. Don't be afraid to talk about Personal development self-help and spiritual work with a potential partner Ah did that help lisa? I hope it did. Give me a thumbs up. Thank you All right, let's see what else we have on the board here um question kimberley says kimberley says I'm guilty of dating up with Md scientists, etc. Why am I attracted to type a when i'm the complete opposite? Well, there's a natural affinity to be attracted to alpha males. I mean, let's face it james bond the quintessential alpha male Is highly attractive. I mean shit if I was a woman, I'd want to fuck him Uh, I'm thinking which james bond which james bond would you like to have sex with? Who's your favorite james bond? Okay? uh I was a big. I mean i'm a shun connery fan through and through I do think daniel craig is great But I I thought pierce brazenin was awesome too not as james bond But I loved him in remington steel. Does anyone remember the tv show remington steel I certainly love that show because I love the style and panache he had But yes type a personalities are highly attractive But you know what james bond is the worst person to be In a day in day out relationship people with type a personalities Their their libido is tied to their profession or to their mental, you know Mentalness is that's the word that's where their libido lies and while they might want to have physical sex with someone That's where they derive all of their pleasure their Their egoic pleasure from conquering. That's what type a personalities do. It's a conquer conquer conquer And so they don't necessarily make great partners to be in relationship with so you have to so here's the thing I want to introduce you to kimberley I want you to read this book how to be an adult in relationship how to be an adult in relationship And why I want you to read this book along with I definitely want you to read this book If the buddha dated if the buddha dated because this is how to date from a spiritual perspective And this is to be a grown-up Because if what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result If these types of men don't work for you, then why are you doing it? That's what a child does a child does the same thing over and over again a different expect different results an adult says You know what? Maybe I need to rethink how I approach relationships And by the way, I think you'd be perfect for my private coaching So check out the description below To schedule a free discovery call with me because I think you'd be perfect for my coaching program because we can re-educate you Just like that All right, I hope that helped kimberley. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it All right, what else do we have? So jenny says It is so hard to meet a man who's done any personal development work on himself. That's my rant about dating but umpum Guess what jenny? I'm gonna tell you as a man who's out in the dating realm It is equally hard to find women who have done personal development work So my belief is roughly about 97 of the human population has done little or no personal development work To heal childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause negative patterns and limiting beliefs in their in their life Now repeat that the majority of the population is very emotionally mature and weak to be in relationship This is why I recommend reading this book the hoffman process to heal on that on that stuff I recommend this now why i'm recommending this And why I say most people have and by the way, it's not just men jenny I got to tell you something I'm let me be candid with you ladies on the last week I've swiped to a couple women on a couple dating apps that we swipe back and they've totally been flaky One gave me her phone number and said reach out to me in the afternoon I text her and she never responded back and it's been three days ago Another woman reached out to me who I swiped months ago On one app. She just swiped me to yesterday today No yesterday, excuse me, but we swiped a month ago on a different app and I She ghosted me there and then she goes. Oh, you look really familiar to me. This is an example of unconscious behavior It demonstrates that they lack what's so important if you haven't read the book the four agreements Be impeccable with your word Don't make assumptions. Don't project on to others and be do your best So ladies, I'm experiencing the same kind of crap You are because I recognize that most people haven't done the personal development work to be emotionally mature in relationship This is why I highly recommend reading the book Return to love by Mary Ann Williamson. I love love love this book Actually, this is the audio version, but this brought me to my heart brought me to my heart center So that's my invitation for you. I hope that helps all right Question jenise denisa writes question A guy I like wants to talk mainly about sex through messages, which I don't mind He said he's looking for a serious relationship though. What are your thoughts? My thoughts is meet him in person Date for 10 dates. Don't have sex and see how legit he is. That's my thoughts I mean quite frankly, this goes back to if you're spending a lot of time on these devices This can wear on us emotionally. Let me give you my rule. It's called three two one three Basically when you meet someone online, you should roughly have three Email exchanges and that can be messaging exchanges that should lead to one or two Phone calls and within one or two phone calls You should plan one date and that should all happen in a three week period of time Let me repeat that three messages One or two phone calls one date within three weeks. Now. I know denisa is going to say well, jonathan He doesn't live around here. We live far apart This is the dilemma you're going to face you're going to spend a lot of time talking talking talking talking talking Excuse me. You're going to spend a lot of time texting texting texting texting texting only to have it go nowhere And sure sexual innuendos We we throw out sexual innuendos because males men who are not serious about relationship Care more about getting laid than actually getting to know you as a human being And so your investment in that person is most likely misguided But like anything in life, how do we learn? We have to make mistakes So my suggestion keep doing what you're doing and see what happens as dr. Phil always says How's that working for you? My invitation get on the phone Schedule a date if you have to initiate it just do it and because he's going to flake out anyway And then you can move on to a potentially partner that actually would be interested in dating you Then someone who just wants to talk talk talk text text text text text text, okay, denisa. Thank you so much great question all right Yvonne says you're so right jonathan. Thank you Say okay save your way. I've seven seven fair seven seven seven fair question We were we were on a no contact break and after a month he texted me that he misses me But still wants to put distance between us. Why did he tell me he misses me but then wants to remain distant Look at the minute we have sex with another human being Most likely. I'm assuming you guys were in a relationship the minute we have sex with another human being We get attached to them. It's so he he likes you. He cares about you. He just doesn't want a relationship with you and what Okay, I'm gonna give you an analogy Something I learned from my son call him. That's call. That's Connor. That's call and those pictures are about five six seven years old um I remember call and I went to There a brand new video game came out. Oh halo for I think it was And um that it was uh being released at midnight at best buy So he said dad will you take me to the store? He was 14 at the time and we hung out We we got there at like five in the afternoon And we waited in line seven hours and we were one of the first 20 people in line by the time it was midnight there was the line was 20 feet deep and a football field long of people I mean it had to be thousands and thousands of people and we were one of the first people in and so uh Collin got this video game and he played it and he played it and played it and played it And then a new video game came out and he started to play that And I and I realized he stopped playing the game He enjoyed playing but he said to me every once he'll every once in a while. He likes to go play that game Now my analogy is this A man dates you you sleep together, but he says he's not you're not right for him And he creates distance and he goes out and dates a few other people But every once in a while he goes how do you know what I bet you she might be easy Let me just go let me just go tap on her shoulder to see if she might hook up with me That's oftentimes why men do that they like you enough Just like you enough to connect with you just a very little bit But not enough to pursue a relationship. Is that what you want? Seven seven fair. I highly doubt it. Why he does it is irrelevant. My question for you is why do you care? Why do you even want to engage with him? Most likely you have some attachment to him as well So it feels really good that he gave you a little bit of attention. I'm not saying that's the case I'm just saying it could be that case and it feels good when someone from our past gives us a little bit of attention This is because we're suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself Not to suggest that you're doing that. I'm suggesting to the entire population who does that so What i'm here to say is this Work on yourself get my book And don't give a shit of what he does because it's irrelevant What matters most is do you want to engage with a guy who treats you that way? And if these the answer is yes, then you're going to be most likely Experiencing something that's going to hurt you later down the road and then you're going to go. Ah, I should have listened to Jonathan I hope that helps. Thank you. Great question All right, let's see what else we have here Bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump Oh Robin, thank you for the five dollars. Yay. I appreciate that super sticker I need validation always. How do I get over that? I hate I hate myself sadly I'm learning here about other people but learning about myself as well Sweetheart, I just want please forgive my term of endearment here But I just want to give you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug to say the words. I hate myself and I've been there before is one of the most Disheartening things to read because I'm sad for you and I understand pain you're feeling Folks I've been in that level of pain I was at a point in my life where I used to go to bed wishing I didn't wake up And I had two small children at the time And I was addicted to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain of the depression I was feeling because I recognized at that moment in my life. I felt like I had no hope I was out of work professionally. This is before I became a dating or relationship coach, which And and I was living off of savings and I I lived with an ocean view ocean front ocean front home Ocean view and I'd close the curtains every day pop some Vicodin Drink and numb myself Because I hated myself I hated myself because I didn't feel good about myself. I didn't love myself and I didn't like myself And it took a major humbling event for me to shift and what caused me to shift Was literally getting so depressed. I wanted to to end it all And I reached out to my father of all people. I said dad. I'm drowning help me And so at mid 40s, I moved back in with my mom and dad after I lost all my money in the market I had no job anymore and I used to make a quarter million dollars a year in the in the insurance profession And I rebuilt my life and I started doing a deep dive into personal development I started with wane dire and abraham hicks just to name a few and then I read the Untethered soul by michael singer and then I started to follow You know the four agreements and maryanne williamson and all the books I talk about and then then and then connor passed away and In the depths of my despair. I'm grateful for all the work I did in advance because I then now had to navigate one of the hardest things i've ever had to navigate in life And I had a choice I could grieve through suffering or I could grieve through love And I decided to grieve through love and that's when I poured my heart into writing my book What the heck is self love anyway? And robin my invitation for you is to read this book Because it's a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work and then at the end of the book there are so many resources because Hating oneself is a terrible place to be and my heart goes out to you And as a person who lost a child and it was in deep deep pain It hurts. I get it. It hurts Any hurt hurts Any hurt hurts And we have an opportunity though we can choose suffering or we can choose love and my invitation why I I have a podcast called the what would love do podcast Because I have a we have a choice We can choose love or fear and my invitation is you choose love. So i'm loving on you right now I'm giving you a big gigantic jonathan bear hug right now And my hope is that you can do that for yourself as well Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart big hugs to you. Thank you That hurts I mean when I say it hurts it breaks my heart So many people are suffering And we're just wanting connection We're just wanting connection And it's hard to want connection when there's such a Disfunctionality in the in the world today and it can make a lot of people gun shy I did a I did a post how many people are single not looking for a mate and it was a huge percentage Lots of people want a relationship, but they're either not capable Maybe they sabotage relationships or they choose people who are incapable of relationships. I get it This is why I have my youtube channel. This is why I have my podcast This is why I have my private coaching And I got to tell you I got a call. I got a call Yesterday from a client who was really happy to tell me about her new boyfriend and she went on to say jonathan I can't believe how your private coaching was magic. It was literally magic You taught me really to understand what real standards are and what real boundaries are And I mean she's so ecstatic. She's in this great relationship And she just finished working with me not just uh, I mean just in the beginning of the year And I'm so excited because her relation she has a relationship that's real And she can tell the difference. She said I can tell the difference now And this is why I have a passion to helping women So if you want to be coached by me check out the link to a free discovery call with me And if you can't afford coaching then check out the link to my group called midlife love mastery That's a great way to connect with me on a regular basis And if you join today and you post a question in the group, I'm going to shoot a personalized video just for you. Okay Ah My heart still breaks over that question All right Rosie writes Question I was inconsistent and flaky early on and then after I stopped and apologized for my behavior He later started to do the same fear of loving Fear of love being the reason can my behavior cause this too? Well, certainly Okay, so one of the principles of emotional maturity is action matching words action matching words And if someone's behavior is inconsistent, it can cause a human being to be untrusting for a variety of different reasons So here's my suggestion if you're not able to be consistent in relationship Read this book read this book Read this book the Hoffman process get to the bottom of what's going on Because inconsistent behavior is not healthy. And then it what happens is people mirror behavior So if your behavior is inconsistent that causes someone else to be inconsistent So work on oneself and then lead by example. That's my invitation for you All right. Thank you. Great question Hey before I take another question. I want to share something with you. I found at my sister's home Look at this book the 101 lies men tell women and why women believe them I'm looking at this book And here's the 101 lies just a list of it Here's a lie I'll call you. I love you. You're the one. I've never felt this way about anyone else I've got to work late That's the best sex I've ever had. You're the most beautiful eyes Ladies everything listed in this book. I can tell you women do the exact same thing So first off, this is not singular to men But what's killing relationships is this is garbage and when you read too much garbage You're gonna be on you're you're gonna have trust issues if you read a lot of garbage I can't believe my sister's reading this It's just nothing but garbage. It doesn't provide value if you want real value read this book Spiritual partnership by gary zuka. Read this book Nonviolent communication by marshal Rosenberg read this book Eight dates by dr. John and julie gotman read this book The five love languages read this book Attached read this book getting the love you want Why am I recommending this because books like this and this Have killed relationships have absolute these are saboteurs to relationships So I'm here to say read the books. I recommend I by the way, it's by the way, I have an affiliate link I make two cents a book. So it's not like I'm getting rich by this I'm just encouraging you to read these books because they're gonna change your life Are you willing to do that? Please tell me yes All right, let's see what other questions we have Jenny says I've done a lot of work on myself and do so every day. Finally. I got the Hoffman process book reading and now Thanks for listening to me rant. Yay way to go all right Women we women try to be serious on dating apps, but we were But then we remember it's a joke I don't know what that means, but let me just say this about dating apps Here look Dating app. Oh, I got a I got a match on hinge um Dating apps are simply a portal to meet people because the reality is is we don't meet people in our organic life anymore So it happens to be they're just a portal to meet people Men by the way and men and women are dysfunctional. So men there are ghosters. There's scammers. There's uh, There's flakes. There's people that are just looking for hookups men and women alike It's not sing by the way the minute we point the thing. I'm not suggesting this I am but the minute we point the finger at the opposite sex being wrong You're literally contributing to the saboteur of your relationships. Stop it Stop it. It's not healthy. That's my invitation dating apps Are it's it's just like the function of you know Garbage in garbage out people that put in garbage. They're going to get garbage back So ultimately what efforts you put in Hopefully you've done so by you've learned my techniques and you do a better job Instead of doing it the old-fashioned way of winging it winging it winging it Have you noticed I haven't said lean back feminine energy I may not say that at all today other than what I just said. Let's read what Suzuki writes question As I'm working on me to become a better person both as a person and career I notice my expectations are higher. I no longer get attracted to guys easily. I'm worried. I may never like someone Whoa, by the way, this is a okay. So I want to basically This is what happens when you do personal development. You recognize the difference between unconscious behavior and conscious behavior So most human beings are dating very unconsciously They're unaware of their negative patterns limiting beliefs and then when someone starts doing personal development work They start to recognize bad behavior and other people and they don't accept it for themselves So, yes, it is very common to think that there might not be anyone out there to like and because when 97 percent of the population Is really fucked up. It's not uncommon This is why you hold space because the what's most important Suzuki is not whether or not you find a mate The most important relationship in your life is the relationship with yourself And that's what matters most. So I'm here to say I'm here to say It's okay If you don't find a life partner because the most important relationship is you and yet here's what's going to happen When you love on yourself, you'll actually become a magnetic Attractor to attracting what you want. Go ahead and buy Catherine's book calling in the one You will learn how to attract an a great partner If you're in a great place and that's my invitation for you. I highly recommend that so go for it. Okay All right, let's see. What else we have sj writes Jonathan what does it mean when a guy says to you? He's very picky I think it just speaks for itself. He's very picky Now is this a man that you've gone on a date with and says he's very picky or is this a friend that says he's very picky People that say they're very picky Now there's a difference between being particular and being picky picky is usually an egoic way to satisfy egoic needs Particular is hey, I've got standards and I want to live up to the standards I set for myself Love yourself by the way. I am very particular But I'm not picky picky is shit like this and the ladies do this you're five foot two But I have to date a man six foot tall But I have to date a man six foot tall, but I have to date a man six foot tall and you're five foot two and I'm like look Majority of men are only five nine. That's the height of the average guy Over six foot tall only represents 15 percent of the population That's cutting your nose to spite your face as an example Okay, men who are 60 trying to date 20 year olds, you know, unless you're filthy rich You're gonna good luck trying to get that unless the woman has real serious daddy issues And that's not to suggest that there aren't women out there, but for the most part being picky Doesn't serve one being particular thumbs up Great question. All right Hey, you know what folks I think this might be a good time to wrap up today. Um, I'm doing a short live stream We've got one coming up on friday in just two days My usual friday hours are at three o'clock in the afternoon pacific host time I want to thank everyone that was on to hear about the five hidden ways women sabotage relationships Just a reminder number one unintentional or irrational jealousy number two Texting too much number three talking bad about an x number four Needing constant validation and number five always trying to upgrade I hope you found value in our live stream today. It wasn't as juicy as it normally is but I thought we had some good questions And I just want to say from the bottom of my heart Thank you all for the love and support certainly regarding my son Certainly a lot of you who have expressed real appreciation for me I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate that I hope I'm making a difference in your life if I am please continue to to let me know My goal is to change Not change but invite people to begin a journey a personal development self-help and spiritual work because The more you love on yourself, you have a greater chance of attracting the kind of mate You're looking for and my hope is you all attract that kind of mate and lastly I want to end with one more big hug to robin Giving you a big gigantic hug and now I'm going to end by giving everyone first off I'm going to give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self-love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now