 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike, mean, fine tobacco. Litter, tasting, fine tobacco. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike. Friends, this is Don Wilson. You know, using your cigarette is really simple. Just go by the taste. That's right. For nothing. It beats better taste. And the cigarette that tastes better, cleaner, fresher and smoother is Lucky Strike. First of all, Lucky's give you the better taste of really fine, mild tobacco. Remember, L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco with a wonderful flavor of its own. What's more, Lucky's give you the better taste of a better-made cigarette made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly to taste cleaner, fresher, smoother. So friends, for your own smoking enjoyment, remember, better taste is what you're really after. And better taste is what you get in every pack of Lucky's. Be happy. Go Lucky. Make your next pack Lucky Strike. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benney with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, in just nine more days, a new tenant will move into the White House. And tonight, since we can't bring you the distinguished and lovable tenant, we bring you the mean old landlord and here he is, Jack Benney. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benney talking and Don, that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard, saying that I own the White House. But Jack, what I said isn't so ridiculous. Technically, as a citizen and taxpayer, you do own the White House. And the capital, the Library of Congress. Don. The United States Post Office. Don. The United States Supreme Court. Don. The United States Mint. Don, stop it. What'd you say? What'd you say? The Mint? What'd you say, Don? I thought that'd get you, but Jack, it's true. You own it, I own it, all the taxpayers own it. It's like being a stockholder in a corporation like, like the American Tobacco Company. Well, Don, that's a very good comparison because everybody knows that the United States Mint is round and firm and fully packed. And if it isn't, it will be on March 15th. That I know. March 15th? What happens on that day? Well, Don, you wouldn't know about this, but people who earn over $500 a year have to pay taxes. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Don. Hi, Mary. Mary, I said hello too. I know, I know. But what's eating you? Plenty. All I asked you is let me keep a couple of packages of meat in your deep freeze. And this morning, Rochester sent them back to me. He said there was no room. Well, Mary, if there's no room, there's no room. Well, now, now, wait a minute, Jack. I happen to know that your freezer is unusually large. And just a week ago, I looked in and it was empty. Well, it's full now. No kidding. What's he got in it? His Christmas tree. All right, what's wrong with preserving a Christmas tree? Jack's right, Mary. It isn't any of our business what he keeps in his deep freeze as long as he has plenty of meat. Like those steaks he served us last night. Some steak. What do you mean some steak? If you didn't like it, why did you eat so much? I was trying to guess whether it was Dancer, Prancer, Donner or Blissless. They were not reindeer. Those were very fine steaks. Didn't you see the government stamp on them? Grade A? Mine said Merry Christmas. I wrote that on there myself. Now, look, Mary, we have a show to do tonight on a very important sketch. So let's... What in the world was... Bob! Bob, what happened? Well, Sammy, the drummer, he fell off the bandstand. What? Well, Jack, it isn't what you think. No? See, the boys in the band are just such practical jokers. Practical joker? Why, what do they do? Well, they took the electric wire that goes to Remli's guitar and taped it to Sammy's chair. Well, of all things, wiring up his chair with electricity. I can't understand Sammy falling for it. Didn't he suspect anything when he sat on those wires? Well, he didn't even get suspicious when they slit his pants legs. Slit Sammy's pants legs? Yeah, they didn't have to shave his head. Bad, I know. But Bob, I think the boys are going too far. Sammy could have gotten electrocuted. Oh, well, that's what the boys figured. So last night they took him to a cafeteria and told him to order anything he wanted. Bob, you mean you went with him? Oh, no, Jack. No, don't you remember I was at your house? Oh, yes, yes. Hey, by the way, what kind of steaks were those you served last night? Huh? Well, I went to bed and every time I turned over, I heard sleigh bells. Now, cut that out. I invite the whole gang over for a steak dinner. Instead of being grateful, you all make cracks about it being reindeer. The only one that hasn't is Dennis. I can't talk. I've got an antlet stuck in my throat. An antler. Your hat is still hanging on it. I don't know why it is. I try to do a program and every... Oh, Jack, Jack, take it easy. I can't help it. Dennis, why do you go around irritating people? I'm experimenting. What kind of experiment is that? Irritating people. When you do it to oysters, they give pearls. Mary, you talk to them, will you? Dennis, you better sing your song. Okay. Love with you, heart and soul To be adored, lost control Okay, singing heart and soul, and very good, Dennis, it was excellent. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Oh, look at that thing. I'm in the middle of a program. I know, but I want to tell you something. Tell me something. I just left the house a little while ago. Why do you always call me at the studio? I don't get applause at home. Never mind that. What's so important? A man was here from a fan magazine and he said they wanted to print the story of your life. Pictures and everything. Oh, pictures too, huh? Yeah, so I gave him some that were taken when you were in the Navy, some when you were in Vaudeville, and some that were taken when you were entertaining overseas. Oh, good, good. Then he asked for one of your baby pictures, but I couldn't find any. What did you do? I slipped him one of mine. And you were the nicest, kindest, and most considerate man I ever worked for. Well, thank you. He brought up the subject of your generosity. Uh-huh. So I told him for Christmas you gave me a bonus of $5,000. You told him I gave you $5,000? What made you think he'd believe that? Boss, when he didn't question the baby picture, I knew he was vulnerable. Rochester, I have to get back to the program, so I'll see you later. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. What now? A few minutes after you left the house, an electric fuse blew out in your freezer. An electric what blew out? A fuse. A fuse, huh? And my, uh... Your freezer went off. My freezer went off, I see. Well, what happened to all the things I have in it? Well, your Christmas tree is all right, but two snakes thought out and ran up the chimney. Ran up the... Now, that's ridiculous. Rochester, why did you make up a thing like that? Boss, when you start with applause, you got to end with a laugh. I am as fortunate. Goodbye, Rochester. Well, Rochester may not be a good butler, but he certainly... He certainly... Hmm. What's the matter, Jack? I wrote an ad liban here, and I can't find it. Oh, well. Well, Jack, what about the important sketch you said we were going to do tonight? Oh, yes. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we will present our version of that wonderful Paramount picture, The Road to Bali, which stars Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, and Dorothy Lamour. You know, I saw it last night, Jack, and it really is a funny picture. I know. Now, since I'm a comedian, I'll play Hope's part. And since Bob Crosby is Bing's brother, he'll play his part. And Dennis... Okay, but I look lousy in a sarong. Look it, you're not playing Dorothy Lamour's part. You're going to be a native. We met in the jungle. A headhunter. A headhunter? Yes, and before we start, go hunt for your own. I might have a joke in here anyway. Now, as a matter of fact, we were going to have Dorothy Lamour on the show, but at the last minute, something happened. She wanted money. Oh, quiet. Now, Mary, you're going to be Dorothy Lamour. Okay, but with Bing and Bob in the picture, who's going to get me? The maid company, if you keep making those pranks. Now that we've done all the casting, let's get on with our sketch, The Road to Bali. Wait a minute, Jack. What about me? Oh, yes, Don. You've got a very important part. I have? Yes. Paint a white line down your back. You're going to be The Road. Then lie straight out. I don't want any detours. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction of the evening, The Road to Bali. Partner, Bing Crosby and I were stranded in Australia. We were broke and hungry and had no friends in Australia, so finally in desperation, we became pickpockets. The first pocket I picked, nothing. The second pocket, nothing. The third pocket bit me. I had picked the pouch of a kangaroo. After days of continued bad luck, we were walking down the street when I turned to my partner and said, Gosh, four days and nothing to eat. I'm starved. Say, Bing, When the blue of the night meets the gold of the day, there was something Bing could do that he couldn't do. Bing, I can't understand why I'm a failure. I'm a talented dancer. I'm a wonderful singer. I'm a great actor. I'm a big star. What a surprise. Some surprise. We had three rehearsals. I turned down the first two scripts, finally had to call in my own writers, and he's surprised. You can go home if you want. I've got a monologue here that will run through Amos and Andy Edgar Bergen and write up to the weather report. Weather report, dull to day, funny tomorrow. Oh yeah, well let me tell you something. Rochester may not be a good butler, but he certainly... Oh my goodness, I wrote it on the wrong page. I like it to say hello to the other... Uh-uh-uh-uh, just a second, Jack. Huh? A full minute has passed and you haven't said it. Oh yes. The road to Bali. That's better. Jack, why did you have to say road to Bali? It's either that or money. Hiya, Mary. Hello, Bob. Say, Bob, you know Bing's brother, of course. Oh, sure. Hello, Bob. Hello, Bob. How do you feel, Bob? Fine. How do you feel, Bob? Fine. How's your wife, Bob? Fine. How's your wife, Bob? Fine. How are your kids, Bob? Fine. How are your kids, Bob? Four riders got paid $6,000 for this parking ticket. Say, Bob, I meant to ask you, does Crosby here resemble his brother Bing much? I don't know. Let me see. Smile, Junior. Okay. Well, they look alike, but Bing is a little fatter on the wallet. He's also a little fatter on the place where he carries his wallet. Which reminds me, I'd like to ask you something, Junior. What is it, Bob? I haven't seen Bing since Christmas. What did he give Santa Claus this year? What? Well, Bob, you know Bing. He doesn't splurge too much around Christmas time. He gives his biggest gifts on March 15th. Amen, brother. Say, Bob, how come you haven't seen Bing for such a long time? You're both a paramount, aren't you? Yes, but they changed our dressing rooms that were not next to each other anymore. I meant to tell you, Jack, they gave me your old dressing room. No, I'm glad you laughed. My old dressing room. Guys, I can still see... still picture it. Start right through anywhere through there. It's all fine. They did, Jack. What? No, that's not... Old dressing room. I was okay in your line. I see. Well, you know, I can still see my old dressing room. There's a big landscape painting on one wall, a window on another wall, and what's on the third wall? Six wash basins. Now, Bob, let's get going. I won't talk until you look at your watch. Oh, yes. Road to Bali. Road to Bali. That's two minutes so fast here. Thanks, Jack. Now, there's something I want to do for you. What's that? Well, I wrote special lyrics to my theme song, Thanks for the Memory, and I'm going to sing it to you with a sportsman's quartet. Oh, that's swell, Bob. Come on. Let's hear it. Okay. All the lucky strikes the pack you gave to me of LSMFT is more than I expected. Thought I'd have to work for free. Oh, thank you so much. Thanks for the lucky strike. A sentiment we share. You hear it everywhere. A lucky strike is better made. Just tear and then compare. Oh, thank you. Some more hungry quartets. Of course. And I'll pay you in jello. That's all you can eat. Oh, boy, what a treat. Well, thanks for the opera, Bob. And be part of your show. But we are stuck with any end for very little dull. Nothing as good, no, there's nothing. For real smoking, pleasure start toughing. A lucky strike. The smoke you love. A lucky strike. The smoke we all enjoy. No loose ends to annoy to Washington from Maine to Illinois. So thank you. It was wonderful, Bob. Not only did you sing the lucky strike commercial well, but you got the only nose that can tear and compare. By the way, you haven't met Dennis Day yet. Hello, Mr. Hope. Oh, hello, Dennis. You know, I saw your very first road picture, the road to Singapore. Really? Yeah, and then I saw the road to Morocco, the road to Zanzibar, the road to Rio, the road to Utopia, and last night I saw the road to Bali. No kidding? Yeah, and now that I finally met you in person, I'd like to tell you something. What? You're nothing without being Crosby. Why, you e-flat idiot. I may cut the strings off you and let you just dangle. Is this fugitive from Glockomora sticking his tongue out at me? No, that's an antler. Now let's get on with the sketch. What sketch? The road to Bali. Good, I gotta free you in that time. I know, but I'm putting my watch ahead. Now let's get on with the sketch. Okay. Hey, Jack, who's that lying down on the floor? That's Don Wilson. He's the road. He's certainly got the belly for it. I couldn't think of anything to say then, so I thought it was better to shut up. What? I was trying to think of a freeway line, but I couldn't finish it either. What? Well, Jack, yes, I think it's only fair for me to play the part I created in the picture. Well, naturally, so I'll play Bing's part. Now, Jack, since Bob here is Bing's brother, he should play that role. Well, what can I do in this game? Well, you play the part of the giant octopus. Now, wait a minute. I'm not playing any octopus. But it's a very important part. I don't care how important it is. Imagine a man in my position in show business playing an octopus. But, Jack, it motivates the whole picture. You see, the octopus guards the sunken treasure worth millions of dollars. Well, get me six more arms and let's go. I'll set the scene. Ladies and gentlemen, Paramount Pictures presents The Rogue to Bali with Bing Crosby, Bob Hope, Dorothy LaMoure, and starring... The Octopus. Curtain. Music. South Sea Islands, a look for sunken treasure. We landed on the island of Attu and became hopelessly lost in the jungle. For days, we wandered through a tangle of vines, and then we came to a rubber plantation and threw it for quite a stretch. In white tide, laugh, you know. Hey, native princess, who you? Oh, how do you do, ladies and gentlemen? This is Bob What's Cooking Hope, telling all you cannibals that while I'd like to bring you joy, don't look at me when you want to put something in the pot, boy. No worry. My tribe not eat you. You very handsome man. Oh, wait a minute. You don't look like the real princess. Real princess not here. She want money. All I want is you, baby. Kiss me, touch. Hey, wait a minute. Dennis, you read my line. Oh, no, I didn't. Yes, you did. Look at the script. It says Bob. That's me. It says Boob. That's me. Some sketch this is. It's crazy enough to have Jerry Cologne in it. Ah, greetings, Gates. Sorry I'm late. Oh, wait a minute. You're not even in this sketch. How can you make love to the princess? I don't ask questions. I just have fun. Hey, Bob, what about me? Vita, doctor. But you come in later. Oh. Well, I'm getting out of here. Come on, Bing. When the blue of the night meets the gold of the day. It's without a bath. Then the animals started lighting fires to keep us looking down into the goon when the sunken treasure lays seven. Well, this looks like the place. Don't you think so, Bing? When the blue of the night meets the gold of the day. Now look, I'll put this diving helmet on you. There. Now go over the side and look for the treasure. Attaboy, Bing. Go down and get it. Here comes the giant octopus. That's me, folks. Oh, my goodness. The giant octopus ate up my pal, Bing. Octopus. Octopus. Say something. When the blue of the night meets the gold of the day. The flood of increased enrollments in our schools will create a critical situation within the next few years unless action is taken now. By taking an interest in our schools, all of us can help make sure that the community we live in gets the best education for the money it spends and provides the best possible educational opportunities for our children. So please join and work with local civic groups and school boards. Remember, better schools build a stronger America. Thank you. I can just a moment. But first, a word to cigarette smokers. Nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And remember. Luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For lucky strike means Pine tobacco, Richard tasting. Pine tobacco. Luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky strike. Lucky strike. Friends, taste makes the big difference in cigarettes for nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. But don't take my word alone for it. Just listen to this and judge for yourself. A nationwide survey based on actual student interviews and 80 leading colleges reveals that more smokers in these colleges prefer luckies than any other cigarette by a wide margin too. And the number one reason the students gave for smoking luckies was better taste. Yes, and I know you too will find that luckies taste better, cleaner and fresher and smoother. So enjoy the full, rich taste of fine, mild tobacco and a better made cigarette. Yes, be happy. Go lucky. Get better taste today. Be happy. Go lucky. Get better taste today. Bob, I want to thank you for appearing on our show tonight and letting us do a parody on your picture The Road to Ballet. I'm glad to do it, Jack. Good night, Bob. Good night, Jack. Ladies and gentlemen, be sure to hear The American Ways starring Horace Hyde for Lucky Strike every Thursday night over the same station. I'm sure you'll enjoy this great new program. Consult your newspaper for the time. Jack Benny program is written by Sam Parran, Milt Josasberg, George Balger, John Packaberry and produced and transcribed by Hillard Mark. Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, American's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. Stay tuned now for the Amos and Andy show which follows immediately over most of these same stations. This is the CBS Radio Network. Thank you very much.