 There are definitely trans fetishization elements and also like child sexuality Elements of the story that may not be what you want to hear So if you don't want to hear about that I guess I would leave the room for ten minutes and then come back I won't be offended even though I am actively enraged in every one of the world. I promise Hi Alright then First bad decision. I was in Portland. I Was walking around staring blankly at all the middle-class exes of capitalism vegan cheese shops and boutique whiskies bored as hell So I called this trick. I Made a firm decision to not see him after dialing his number the previous night and having the following change Interchange and so when I talked to tricks on the phone I have this really faggy voice and so I Always try to sound like this Hey, man. This is Sid Sid Yeah, you wanted to get together while I was in Portland. We were texting. You sold my ad over my boy What did I want to see you for? Sorry run number I Look at my phone. I look at the tux because I'm not always smart. I text again Sorry seem to have caught you at a bad time. Let me know if you still want to meet up I receive back. Sure. I do. I'm looking forward to our booking. Give me a call. I call again Hey, uh, said calling again It's the same voice city. So, yeah, like what were the plans that we had? The same ones we were talking about via texts. Could you remind me of those? Although I have made a lifelong habit of pushing past every dangerous sign that has ever arisen in sex work It occurs to me that something is not going well. I Hang up. I don't text I tell my best friend something really sketchy just happened But he is zeroed in on the TV in front of us He places his head on my lap and looks up at me pick me. He said pressing my fingers against his face. I Filed this as one of several possible encounters with law enforcement that it's best to pretend has never happened The next day the same number texts me. Why didn't I hear from you? What the fuck I tell him call me He calls and it's a different voice I mentioned the calls last night and he says he doesn't know what I'm talking about but takes it in stride Dallas boyfriend I'm still sketched out but make plans to meet him at a train stop so you can drive me to his house Which lays off the public transportation route now There's a thing where like a lot of people would just like take a like a taxi there But I'm really cheap. So whenever tricks are like, let me pick you up and drive you for 45 minutes I'm like sure that sounds like a great idea The tram goes through Portland streets till they are no longer busy with food trucks and bars Arriving in an area of long fences and houses painted fresh deep reds and teals The last triumph stomp is at a mortuary his luxury black car in the parking lot of a banks next to it They are so close that when I look over to where he stands waving. I mistake him for a funeral driver Grant is in his fifties white another face in the sea of gay men who I meet as an escort His energy is forceful. There's an edge that is hard to connect to I wonder if it's meth or something less temporary He's very interested in me as a transgender at the topics of transgenders in general. He's very connected to gay ink He knows that my people have a problem with it. He says I don't think many People know how much affirmative we action we do in hiring transgender persons If you look at our staff, many of our higher-ups are from your community. I Look out the window as the car goes around the hills carefully tended lawns rolling out in front of those big white houses He drives into the carport of a two-story The garage door opens to a room that reminds me of my aunt Sydney who wasn't my real aunt but rather my grandmother's lesbian friend I lived with her often on was a child after my mom died Her apartment was large with rooms that smelled of mothballs unlike my grandma's apartment where I slept in a cot next to the closet Sydney's had furniture that felt like it was from another century I remember laying on the iron wall carpet underneath the stained wood table Six marching carved chairs with silk cushions. I would pretend to be a princess trapped in another kingdom's castle Waiting for the doors to open for me to be brutalized by an unknown adversary Grant's house is decorated like this, but without the carpet being tread into a matted-down surface Chandeliers sparkle light off gold accents of cabinets in front of me is another boy younger than me brown skin Slim and white pants with an expensive haircut. I moved to shake his hand. Grant says that's how sway Don't worry. He won't be joining us Our hands touch and I slightly roll my eyes and attempted camaraderie during my smile, but he looks at me blankly Upstairs Grant talks about how he's been taking care of Hossway He's been letting me know dance. He's been letting him live downstairs for four months after his parents kicked him out of the home Nasty business they aren't dating. He's just a benefactor. I look at the Dean Brown silk sheets of his bed Do you want a bathrobe? He asked me. He hands me one while he heads to the bathroom I take off my clothes and they sit awkwardly in a pile next to my backpack filled with packets of lube condoms bits of weed and colored pencils The carpet feels so soft on my feet and the robe gently brushes against my flesh. I Try to position my limbs organically and suggestively on the high high bed Does he want me to be butcher femme? Is he interested in a bro with a pussy or the ultimate step in Queenie faggot hood? He emerges and I pull my his body to mine in a tight kiss Sometimes tricks are the best sex I ever have My brain is able to circumvent any of the insecurity that usually sell is my hookups with an almost a religious Admonishment to do a good job Which in turns provides me with the energy to Hoover dick whilst tweaking nipples to be a steepen ass Something which on my days off. I just don't possess the fucks or the finesse to work out the mechanics With grant I can't tell I can tell that this isn't going to be a natural 10-star review First he gets really whiny about barebacking something I admit to doing in the past But in a quick cost-benefit analysis decide that this scene is already too much He switches to a new more perverse role play where I tell him about how dick hungry I am it goes like this Tell me how you went into the bedroom at bathroom at school so you could look at dick. How old were you? Yeah, I was 16 and I would sneak in after science class Hide behind the lockers then I would wait till the boys came after sucker practice and watch them masturbate Because that's what boys do in the bathroom Pretty soon in the dirty talk my age rolls back to 14 and I'm still a drooling cum slut There's a certain legitimacy in this in my diary from that time. There's an entry which reads God, what is the fucking matter with me? I was writing in this cute little drawing book and shit in parentheses I wrote a story about seeing Kennedy in italics naked at a ritual What is it that makes me so attracted to this guy who is like a goth who is like a Future trans woman probably in retrospect. I love him and he doesn't give a shit for me There are two pictures at the bottom of this diary page One is a very crude image of him lying naked on top of me And it says my dream on top of it And then there's a picture of a cape with a price tag on it and it's his dream in a thought bottle I don't share the story with Grant or the one about the first time one of the first times I had sex it was in my car and midway through I remembered I still had a tampon in Pulling it out midway and thanking God for red condoms It stayed in the detritus of my backseat until another aged and jobless punk rock suitor picked it up weeks later I grabbed it out of his fist told him it was a piece of beef jerky and threw it out the window Although my brain is full of overwhelming and disturbing narratives of youth sexuality to share I Keep to the secretive trans people in the bathroom trope until his dick delivers I Enthusiastically kiss him good job, and he lays down for a post-coitus discussion You know he says hosue has never seen a vagina in his life Well that happens. I know where this is going You know you could show him it would be a real hoot Yeah, I mean that's cool. I don't need to do that I'll give you an extra $50 if you show him just for a second. He won't touch her anything Because I'm already fairly dissociated and besides $50 for a small humiliation with someone I'll never seem again kind of seems worth it I get into the bathrobe again, and he goes to prep his friend. I Enter like the host of an extreme game show about to show the guests which bugs they're about to eat for dinner Show him Grant says his voice full of glee. I Open my bathrobe and hosue looks at me sheepishly. Mmm. Wow, okay We are both having a hard time displaying the kind of childlike innocence our ringlighter leader has in mind You look so much like a man, but have a vagina. He says weekly. Yes I know that is that is part of being transgender Ha ha We hug at an angle grant looks like down While I get dressed he asked me about the phone calls. I tell him about the weird voice on the line Oh, yes, he says. Well, it's very likely that my phone is getting tapped. I Start to get excited about the prospect of blackmailing him In the car with heated seats as he takes me back He and his not boyfriend argue about their plant their flight Sorry, he and his not boyfriend argue about their flight to Palm Springs this afternoon I put my hand in my pocket filling the bill's fault against each other and thank the goddess for the patronage of transgender people like myself By gay incorporated. Thank you very much