 This Sunday at 3 p.m. pacific time we will be raising money for the nonprofit organization Faces and Voices of Recovery and because of that I wanted to share my story of how I tried taking my own life with pills all right I don't like sharing this story but my goal is that I hope it can help give some hope to anybody out there who's struggling with addiction or depression or even loved ones because this can get better all right so in case you didn't get it from the title we will be talking about some sensitive subjects in this video if you are struggling go ahead and you can turn off this video but check out the description down below because there are some links to some resources what's up everybody this is chris from the rewired soul where we talk about the problem but focus on the solution and if you're new to my channel my channel is all about mental health it's about addiction recovery and yeah I just try to you know share my experience and share the things that I've learned over the years to try to help out anybody else who might be struggling as well as educate people and spread some awareness so if you're into that stuff make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell and like I said make sure you're here 3 p.m. pacific time this sunday december 15th because we are raising money for the amazing organization faces and forces of recovery all right so yeah this is gonna be a little bit of a story time I've been sober um I'm coming up in 10 in 10 days it'll be seven and a half years clean and sober I haven't had a drink or a drug since june 23rd 2012 and a lot of people don't understand the uh the connection between addiction and depression and suicidal thoughts and all these other things so for some of you out there who have never struggled with substance abuse like many of us who are recovering drug addicts or even people in their addiction even though we might not have the exact same experience we understand that pain we understand that suffering and I share my story because I I want people to know that it can get better all right but I had to put in a lot of work so 2012 was you know uh one of the worst years of my life it was when I was hitting my rock bottom so around that time 2012 by that time my son's mom and I we had already split split up because of my drug addiction um that's what it was and we were no longer together and I got to see my son on the weekends but by that time you know friends didn't want anything to do with me family members didn't want anything to do with me because all I did I was just this this thing that was constantly asking for money and blowing up on people and snapping on people because my my only goal in life was to figure out ways to drink and use drugs and um I had a job uh I was actually uh a customer service manager at this shady call center which I might do a video about uh this call center was just the worst like just to put it in perspective and it was this soul-sucking job some of you saw my instagram live yesterday you heard me talking about soul-sucking jobs basically this call center it it was taking advantage of people who were already taken advantage of by MLMs and I absolutely hated it all right and I might do a video diving into that at a later time because I know what it's like to work at a terrible job but anyways so I I would have my son on the weekends but around that time like I was broke I was constantly getting eviction notices I was living in this apartment by myself and it was the most disgusting little apartment not disgusting like the area but disgusting because I had given up on life and with the way addiction works like nothing was bringing me joy or meaning or purpose in my life except for the drugs that's the only reason why I was live alive was to get more and to use more um it got to a point where you know I I hadn't paid my car insurance or registration in almost two years and towards the end my truck actually got um impounded uh I got pulled over and I didn't have anything so I took it I didn't have the money to get it back because I spent it all on drugs and what eventually happened was my son was about three years old at that time um and he was you know he was talking but he wasn't like talking talking and and yeah like um you know I I was there with my son but I wasn't present with my son and I was you know getting high while he was there and he was in my care and like and trust me I hate talking about this stuff um but anyways he started going back home uh to his mom's house and saying daddy's sleeping daddy sleeping daddy always sleeping right and my son's mom obviously knowing that I had a drug problem she like confronted me about it I'm like oh he's just a kid and yeah we take naps sometimes or whatever but yeah like it was because of my drug addiction and thank god for people like my mom who refused to enable me but my mom convinced my son's mom not to let me see my son anymore until I got better and I was pissed I was furious about this like my own mother was telling her not to let me see my son you know but that's part of the insanity of addiction like I couldn't understand that and rather than getting better um I just got worse I got worse like you know there was a really only two things keeping me alive which was the drugs and my son and now my son was taken away from me and a lot of people I I can't speak on everybody's experience but I can speak on my own but a lot of people you know they they wonder like why are people with addictions like slowly killing themselves and you know because a lot of us don't just commit you know suicide in a traditional way and like for me like I was too much of a wuss to do it I was way too much of a wuss to actually take my own life like but I knew the drugs were killing me so I was like I'll just keep using but um I was so mad at my son's mom and uh my mom that I just I got worse and I started going out and partying more and this is one of the reasons why I try to teach people to surround yourself with better friends because I had awful friends at that time like they were good in the sense that I could use a lot of drugs around them and they would give me drugs and everything like that in that in that sense they were amazing friends but they were terrible friends because they were enabling me right they didn't tell me you know uh and and it's not their responsibility to save my life uh in in hindsight a lot of them were struggling with their own addictions you know but rather than like saying well Chris why don't you try to get clean and you know so you can see your son again like they'd be like oh screw her man screw her let's just use some more and stuff like that so I was slowly losing everything in my life like I said I lost my truck lost my son I started getting eviction notices there was even a point where um they they locked me out of my own house and like I I was sleeping my um in my friend's living room uh my sliding door was kind of broken so you could jimmy it open so sometimes after the office closed I would hop over my uh my patio and then sneak into my apartment and sleep and then leave before everything opened up there was no electricity because the power was off it was just this awful terrible life but anyways um a major part of my addiction too was alcohol like it started with alcoholism and then I got into pills but I uh I just started mixing them heavily started mixing them heavily and every single night I was going to sleep with a handful of pills and a bottle of rum and I was just like you know if there is a god don't let me wake up do not let me wake up tomorrow morning because I don't want to do this again I don't want to go through this whole thing of being miserable and not having anything and just seeing who I can lie cheat or steal from to try to get more drugs like I don't want to do that and you know so every night I was hoping that I would just die in my sleep you know and I would wake up in the morning to the sun shining through my my window and I'd be pissed because I had to do it all over again so every single night I was taking I have no idea why I'm alive I shouldn't be alive I was taking enough to that would kill a lot of people um and it's just like I said like it it wasn't like I wasn't just gonna go you know take my own life I wanted my substances to do the job um but anyways you know I've shared uh before about how I ended up getting sober my mom who had seven years sober at that time she ended up saving my life and uh and yeah I was still very suicidal for the first few months because like I said the uh the drugs were the only thing that were keeping me alive and then they were taken away from me so in my first few months of sobriety I was still very suicidal but being around other people who shared their story it gave me hope that things can get better and that's one of the reasons why I talk about things that make me uncomfortable that might make you uncomfortable because I needed people to talk about this stuff because it helped give me hope people started teaching me that I didn't have to live that way anymore but here's the caveat they said I don't have to live that way anymore if I don't want to all right and if I didn't want to I had to start doing certain things to turn my life around all right and I was just clinging I was clinging onto this hope with the kung fu grip that if I slowly started working on myself things would get better and that first year of sobriety was rough man I was in California um I didn't see my son I saw my son once my first year sober all right so like around this time of the holidays I'm so grateful that I have that kid in my life because my first year sober I missed Halloween with him and that was back in the time when like kids are like super cute and any costume you put on him is adorable I miss Halloween with him I miss Thanksgiving I miss Christmas his birthday is on New Year's Eve I miss that following you know into the the the next months I missed you know Easter Father's Day everything all right but I had to do that to get sober but I share this story because man my life is absolutely amazing today all right um my son's mom and I she's remarried and has another child we have an amazing relationship she's one of my best friends all right um and because of that I have my son in my life like you guys like I was just telling you how I wasn't even allowed to see my son right and just a few weeks ago for Thanksgiving like because of my recovery because of the work I've put in like my son's mom lets me take him you know to California we went up to Sacramento to visit my beautiful girlfriend Tristan's family uh you know then we got to go to um Fresno to visit my family and everything like that like because of the work I put in the people in my life trust me again and I have so much to live for you know I always had that's the thing too I always had a lot to live for you know but the disease of the disease of addiction depression it it lies to us it tells us that we don't have things to live for you know and uh yeah I get to hang out with my son this weekend we're going to watch um Star Wars movies we're going to play uh the Star Wars video game uh this Thursday we're going to go see you know the brand new Star Wars movie opening night I have my amazing girlfriend Tristan it's her birthday Sunday so by the way like come join the live stream for Tristan's birthday and we'll be raising money for Faces and Voices of Recovery but like I said um I don't I don't like talking about this stuff I've come so long and a lot of us you know we want to leave that stuff in the past but I was taught a long time ago that we share our stories to help others you know what I mean if it wasn't for other people sharing their story and talking about these difficult subjects I wouldn't be here today and this is one of the ways I try to give back by sharing about what I've been through and trying to give people hope that things can get better but like I said man like I said it takes work all right one of the things they taught me was if nothing changes nothing changes like if I just sat around because for a long time I just sat around just hoping life would get better just maybe life will get better on its own right I didn't want to put in any work and that's why today I do so much I do so much like a lot of you know I work my ass off I have two jobs I have this YouTube channel and everything like that but I make sure that I'm spending time with my son with Tristan yesterday I had lunch with one of my friends who uh I helped him get sober and he just celebrated four years sobering he's one of my best friends that I've known since I was uh since I was a kid you know what I mean like I find this balance and this meaning and this purpose you know so never give up and if you think it'll help somebody share this video with them but anyways I hope this video gives someone out there just a little bit of hope that things can get better all right and don't forget to join us Sunday December 15th here on this channel all right starting at three p.m. pacific time as we raise money for faces and voices of recovery all right but anyways that's all I got for this video if you like it please give it a thumbs up if you're new subscribe ring the notification bell and a huge thank you a real real real huge thank you to everybody who supports the channel whether it's on patreon or buying my mental health books on the rewired soul.com or mental health merch that we got in the store like all of your guys's support helps me keep doing this channel and trying to help more people out there so I really appreciate it all right thanks for watching I'll see you next time