 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky strike today. Friends, the enjoyment of a cigarette depends on the way it tastes, and luckiest tastes better than any other cigarette. Here's why the taste of anything depends on two things. What it's made of, how it's made. Now in a cigarette, you've got to begin with fine tobacco. That's right, there's no substitute for fine tobacco. Don't let anybody tell you different. And LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. But that's not all you get in a Lucky Strike. You get un-excel quality as well. This is why every Lucky Strike is round and firm, without annoying loose ends to stick to your lips. It's why luckies are always fresh and smooth smoking. Yes, you can depend on Lucky's fine tobacco and superior workmanship to make Lucky's smooth mellow, better tasting from first pop to last. Try a carton soon. You'll discover Lucky's tastes better than any other cigarette. So be happy, go lucky. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky strike today. And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pride that I bring you the star of our show. The man who was the inspiration for that beautiful ballad, too young. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, that was a very clever introduction. So I think it's only fair that I tell the audience that you too were the inspiration for a song. Oh, really? What song? My truly, truly fat. Don, here it is only the second program of the season, and already you had to give me a sarcastic introduction. Sarcastic? Jack, believe me, I didn't mean it to be. Oh, you didn't mean it to be, huh? Well, look, Don, we have a long show to do tonight, so let's not... Jack, Jack, if I had any idea that you would misconstrue what was meant to be a compliment, I certainly wouldn't have said it. Okay, okay, let's forget it. And now, ladies and gentlemen... I can't forget it. I can't say anything to hurt you for the world. All right. As a matter of fact, when I thought of that introduction, I told it to my wife, and she said, Donald, that was beautiful. I'm so glad you're not going to say anything to make that old goat unhappy. Don, your wife called me an old goat? Well... Don, does your wife know about the new contract I gave you? Well, yes, Jack, and it's not so different. I've always worked from week to week. Well, this year, you're working from word to word. I can fire you between LS and MFT. Now, go and sit down. Now, wait a minute, Jack. Huh? If you feel that my services are no longer needed on this program, just say the word, and I'll go. Don, forget it. Sit down, will you? Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we're going to do a very... Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. I'm sorry I'm late. Oh, that's all right. I'll tell you what happened. I was driving down Sunset Boulevard. I made a left turn from the wrong lane, and a cop stopped me. No kidding. Did you get a ticket? Well, he was going to give me one, but I talked him out of it. I told him I was a working girl, and I didn't have much money, and right now, especially tough on me because I was sending my brother through college. Well, did he believe that? He didn't seem to, so I opened my purse to show my brother's picture, but I was so nervous I showed him a picture of my sister, Babe, instead. Oh, then you were really in trouble. No, it worked. Now, wait a minute, Mary. I know we kid a lot about Babe, but how could anyone mistake her for a man? Well, fortunately, when this picture was taken, Babe had just come home from a football game and was still wearing her helmet. Well, I imagine that broken nose helped a little, too. Anyway, Mary, I'm glad you didn't get a ticket. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature of... I've got my pride, you know. Don, forget it. I won't forget it. If I'm not wanted on this program, I'll leave. Uh, Jack, what's wrong with Don? Oh, it's nothing. Nothing, he says. After all, I've done for him. Now, just hold it a minute, Don. What have you ever done for me? I'll tell you what I've done for you. I've been on this program 17 years, and for 17 years, I've been eating and eating and stuffing myself just so you can do jokes at my expense. What? How many laughs would you get if I weren't a big fat sloth? Don Wilson, I've never called you there. Well, you've thought it many a time. Jack Benny, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Ashamed of myself? For what? I knew this whole thing would be twisted around where it would all be my fault. My mother hates you, too. Dennis, this doesn't concern your mother, and it doesn't concern you, either. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Hello. Now, this is just between Don and myself. Now, wait a minute, Jack. What concerns one member of the cast, concerns all of us. Look, Mary, you can keep out of this, too. Now, wait a minute. You can't talk to Mary like that. Oh, I can't, eh? Well, let me tell you something. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Stop this bickering. We've got to stick together. We're still in radio. Phil, the whole thing is Don's fault. He not only gave me a sarcastic introduction, but now he tells me that I owe my whole career to him, that if he didn't eat and get fat, I would have no show at all. Well, Jackson, Don's, he's got a point there. What? Look what I have to do to live up to the character you gave me. Look, Phil, do you think I like to drink? Do you think I like to spend my time in pool rooms and cocktail bars and staggering home at four o'clock in the morning? Do you think I enjoy that? Phil, let me get this straight. You mean to say you do all this just for my program? That's right. Well, then let me ask you something. We weren't on the radio last night. How come I saw you lying in the gutter? Rehearsal, Dad. Rehearsal. Well, Phil, in that case, I owe you an apology. Is there anything I can do to make amends? Well, I'm not sure. What does amends mean? Just forget it. Now, look, kids, now look, I've listened to all your complaints. Phil claims he stuffs himself at the table so he can be fat for my program. Phil claims he drinks a lot so he can remain in character just for my show. Well, let me tell you something. I make sacrifices, too, to get laughs. Do you think it's easy for me to be stingy and cheek? Well, this is a loyalty test if I ever heard one. Never mind. Now, Dennis, it's time for your song. What are you going to sing? Mary Rose. Good. I was going to sing too young, but I didn't want to start another fight. Without you, as any rose. Well, sung by Dennis Dave. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Well, that's certainly a fine way to start a season. I just sang a song and you didn't even compliment me. Look, Dennis, I don't have to compliment you every time you sing a song. After all, you're getting paid, aren't you? No. What do you mean, no? That's why I have to wear these old clothes all the time. What are you talking about? You've been with me over 10 years now, haven't you? Uh-huh. And after every broadcast, haven't I sent you a check? Uh-huh. Well, what do you do with the money when you cash them? Oh, cash them! Mary, give me an alka-seltzer, will you, please? Well, Jack, I didn't want to embarrass you in front of everybody, but since we're on the subject, I'd like to talk about the check you sent me last week. What about it? It bounced. Bounced? You mean it came back marked insufficient funds? No, improper signature. My check? Well, I remember signing it, Jack Benny. I know, but you left off Star of Stage, screen and radio. Oh, yes, that's my commercial account. I'm sorry. Now, let's get on with the program. Let's get on with the program unless the delegate from Encino has a complaint. Phil, is there anything wrong with your check? No, I just short to Alice. We have a good laugh, and that's the end of it. Phil, Alice can laugh at Glenn McCarthy's checks. Excuse me. Now, kids, let's drop all of these arguments and get on with the program. Now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, oh, who can that be? Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny. This is Rochester. Rochester, I'm just ready to do a play. What do you want? Well, boss, don't get mad, but I broke one of your golf clubs. Rochester, you had work to do. Why'd you go out and play golf? I didn't go out. I used them to clean the house. Now, that's ridiculous. How could you clean the house with golf clubs? Easy. I wrap rags around the driver and use it to mop the floors. What? I did the kitchen in four strokes, the pantry in five. I had trouble in the hall, but coming through the den, I was three on the par. Well, if there's any way of making play out of work, you'll find it. I'm surprised you didn't try this little trick of yours in the living room. Oh, I wanted to, but that dust on the piano is worse than a sand trap. That I know it's your fault. Now, Rochester, put away my golf clubs. Rochester, honey, hang up that phone and let's finish the game. Rochester, who was that? My caddy. I'll be home in about an hour, so you better have dinner ready. Yes, sir. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say boss. Now what? That check you gave me last week that had my first raise in salary bounced. Oh, perhaps they, what was wrong? The proper signature? No. Insufficient funds? No. Then what was wrong? They just wouldn't believe it. I haven't notarized. Don't worry. Goodbye. Checking account and get so messed up. Now, where was I? You were getting ready to start our sketch. Oh, yes. Now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we're going to do a dramatic play. Our version of Warner Brothers' great technicolor production, Captain Horatio Hornblower. Now, in this sketch, I will play the part of Captain Horatio Hornblower. Naturally. Now, Mary, you're going to play the part that Virginia Mayo played in the picture. Oh, Lady Barbara. That's right. And towards the end of our sketch, you're delirious with yellow fever. And while I'm nursing you through your crisis, you fall madly in love with me. I bet I know why. Why? While I was delirious, you looked like Gregory Pack. Thank you. Anyway, you're Lady Barbara and you were sent on a special mission by the Duke of Wellington. Hey, he's got a great orchestra. That's Duke Ellington. Phil, you're going to be the first mate. And, Don, you're going to play the part of an admiral. Well, an admiral. That sounds real important. It is, Don. You're going to be one of the biggest admirals. You have a 19 in screen. Play that part of I didn't stuff myself just for you. Look, Don, don't do me any favors. I'll change that part. You'll just be a member of my crew. And finally, we come to you, Dennis. It's about time. Dennis, you're going to play the part of El Supremo. El Supremo? Yes. He's an unscrupulous, power-mad, ruthless, bloodthirsty cutthroat who will stop at nothing to get what he wants. Gee, that's my agent. El Supremo happens to be a Spanish rebel. Now, Don, set the scene for our play. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, our version of Captain Horatio Hornblower. In the year of 1807, all that kept Napoleon from dominating the entire world was England's gallant navy. One of England's smaller ships was the Lydia, a wooden sailing vessel carrying only 32 cannons. But making up for what she lacked in firepower was the bravery, wisdom, seamanship, and daring of her commander, Captain Horatio Hornblower. That's me. Naturally. Dennis, continue, Don. Right now, with the air dead calm, the men are out in boats trying to tow the Lydia into a wind. Look at those men. Well, might Napoleon fear the likes of them? They've gone without fresh fruit for a year, without bread for seven months, without water for days, and for six whole weeks, they haven't heard come on a my house. Stout fellows. You're right, Captain, and that's why I'm afraid the men might mutiny. They haven't touched land for nearly a year. They're going crazy for the sight of a woman. Why? You wouldn't understand. I wouldn't? Naturally. A breeze, a breeze. By the great hornspoon, we whistle up a wind. Call the men back to the ship, Wilson. Aye, aye, sir. Back to the ship, men! Look out, Wilson, don't get too close to the edge of you. Come on, Wilson, just a few more strokes and Captain, Captain, look at that man eating shark. Yeah. Look at that man eating that shark. Captain Wilson, stout fellow. Climb aboard, Wilson. Captain Hornblower, look, there's a ship off the port side. Let me take a look at her. Hand me your glass. Here you are, sir. Not that one. The one you looked for. Look like, Captain. She flies the French flag, but she's no man of war. Shielson surrender. Mate, fire a shot across her bow. One shot across the bow! The wind was against her. She's running up the white flag. Send a boat over and bring back the prisoner. I'll be in my cabin. Aye, aye, sir. I have the captain of the French ship. And, sir, they had a woman passenger aboard, so I brought her too. A woman, eh? Well, bring the captain in. I want to question him first. Naturally. Right? Come on in with you. Get in. Are you the captain of that French ship? Wee. And you sailed from the Port of Marseille? Wee. Carrying a woman aboard? Wee. What does a woman look like? Wow. She is. I'll talk to her. Mademoiselle, J. Bonte, Parley, Avec Bue. Hello, Captain. Wait a minute. You speak English. I am English. What's that? Captain, you better get her laying ship below decks. The men are becoming unruly. All right. Don't worry, your ladyship. You're safe with me. Naturally. Thank you, your ladyship. I just come along with... Step off the starboard bow. What kind is she? She's a Spanish galleon. A galleon? Good. That's a quirk for each ever minute. Last year, by this time, he'd be gone already. Clear the decks for action. Wait, Captain. The Spaniards are putting out a small boat. Yeah. Look, standing in the prow is El Supremo. And four of his crew are rowing him this way. One of them is rowing with a guitar. Fire salute, and El Supremo's on her. And be ready to pipe him aboard. Aye, aye, sir. That's right. I hope you liked it. Like it? Pig, I am insulted. I am El Supremo. I am accustomed to a 23-gun salute. El Supremo, I can only use 11 guns. But you have many more. What are you doing with the rest of the guns? I'm making puffed rice. Quite, Kaminer. One so lowly as yourself does not speak direct to El Supremo. If you have anything to say, discuss it with my prime minister over there. Yes, sir. Excuse me. Are you El Supremo's prime minister? Yes. Is it true that he holds his prisoners for ransom? Yes. And is the ransom a thousand bushels of beans? Yes. What kind of beans? Soy. For. Si. Where? A few minutes ago, I was in French Capitán. French captain? Oui. How can you be a French captain one minute and a Spanish prime minister the next? I'm also a woodpecker. That's all, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, our stockpile of blood plasma has been gravely depleted by the demands of the Korean campaign. And it is imperative that action be taken to an insure and adequate supply ready for immediate use. As General Ridgway said, every American who has given blood can and should feel he personally has contributed directly to the saving of the life of an American boy. So please go to the blood bank in your cities and contribute. It's needed badly. This is an urgent request. Thank you. Friends, do you know why we say Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette? Well, the taste of anything is determined by two things. What goes into it and how it's put together. This is 100% true when it comes to cigarettes. Just consider these facts. Lucky's are made of fine, light, mild tobacco. Better tasting tobacco. Yes, LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And there's no substitute for fine tobacco. Don't let anybody tell you different. What's more, this fine tobacco is carefully made into a cigarette that's uniformly round and firm, free from annoying loose ends that stick to your lips. Every Lucky is always fresh and smooth smoking. Yes, you can depend on Lucky's fine tobacco and superior workmanship to make Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. Try a carton soon. Be happy. Go Lucky. Be go Lucky. Be happy. Go Lucky Strike. Be happy. Go Lucky. Go Lucky Strike today.