 Alright you guys, I'm having a little trouble going live but hopefully you are able to see me here or hear me here. So I will give you guys just a minute to pop in, make sure that we are on the same page or that you are able to connect. I love technology. I'll wait for you guys to pop in, hopefully you can see the chat. So we'll get started. As you guys fill up the stream, sorry about that, I had a little trouble connecting there and two different live streams going at the same time and that was bizarre. But feel free to pop in and say hello, we're going to talk about the anxious attachment style in relationships. So the book that I am working out of is called Attached and if you look at your screen up there on the top right, right there on the live screen, there's a picture of the book. It's got two magnets in the shape put together to form a heart. Interestingly enough, they're not actually attached but yes or Monday, we talked about the avoidant attachment style. And if you miss that love cast, there's a playlist that you can go back and listen to try to understand what exactly the avoidant attachment love style is. Today we're going to talk about the anxious and then on Friday we'll talk about the secure. So with the anxious attachment style, it's basically, it's kind of like the difference between the avoidant, the anxious attachment style has a need to stay attached to their partner where the avoidant does not. The avoidant has a need to be detached from their partner. So with the anxious, there's a few, there's a cheat sheet to give you some type of understanding of what an anxiously attached relationship looks like where one or both partners are in the anxiously attached. When you're hearing this, this could, you could relate it to yourself or it could be a person that you have a relationship with. So hello, Vlad. So I guess everybody must be in the other chat and I don't know what happened, but we'll just get right into it and then you guys could play it back later. So some of the things that an anxious attached person will do in a relationship. One thing, number one is they want a lot of closeness in a relationship. One sec and please forgive any sound you might hear in the background. An anxiously attached person expresses insecurities and has a deep worry about rejection. Also an anxiously attached person tends to be unhappy when not in a relationship. Okay, the other thing an anxiously attached person will do is they will have a tendency to play games to keep the other person's attention or interest. So it's not necessarily playing games like trying to hurt the other person, but we'll do stuff to get noticed, to redirect the focus back onto them. An anxiously attached person has difficulty explaining what's bothering him or her and expects their person to guess at times. An anxiously attached person will have a tendency to act out. And these are all based on, these are like fears. If an anxiously attached person is especially in a relationship with an avoidant, these things can absolutely play out more so, be more intense. The anxiously attached person has a hard time not making things about themselves in the relationship. And I'll go into a little more depth with that. An anxiously attached people will let the other person set the tone of a relationship. They will also be preoccupied with their relationships or the person they're involved with. An anxiously attached people fear that small acts will ruin the relationship. They believe that they must work harder to keep their partner's interest. They also oftentimes have suspicions that their partner may not be faithful. So these are some of the, I guess I want to say symptoms, but these can be some of the things that the anxiously attached person may do in order to keep the relationship from falling apart and talk about fighting for a relationship. I mean, if there's one person that will stand the test of time to keep a relationship together, it's an anxiously attached person. Okay. So those are some of the things. People also with anxious attachment style tend to jump to conclusions very quickly. And when they do, they tend to misinterpret another person's emotional state. Okay. And instead of just waiting a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, which can cause a problem in a relationship, it's basically if the anxious attachment style person would just wait and not react or jump to a conclusion, they have a better ability to decipher what's going on in the relationship to use it to their advantage. But as soon as an anxiously attached person shoots from the hip, they'll be all over the place making misjudgments and possibly even hurting themselves. Okay. So the one thing I want to tell you is that an avoidant will use deactivating strategies to keep themselves at arm's length from their partner. Because as I said in the last podcast, the avoidant attachment style person has a fear of abandonment just as much as an anxiously attached style person. The avoidant won't go in too deep. They won't fight real hard for the relationship because they have a fear of exposure and they have a fear of rejection or being abandoned. And when they pull away, if the anxious attached person sees that, they then get triggered and have a fear of being abandoned by their partner. So they will in turn dive even harder into the relationship. Okay. And so the anxious attached person will have what's called activating strategies as the avoidant has deactivating. So once activated, the anxiously attached will be consumed or often consumed with thoughts that have a single purpose and that is to reestablish closeness with their partner. These thoughts are, as I said, are called activating strategies. They are thoughts or feelings that compel to get closer physically or emotionally to the other partner. And once that partner responds to the anxiously attached in a way that reestablishes security, anxiously attached people can revert back to their calm, normal selves, okay? So some of the activating strategies that an anxiously attached person, their thoughts and feelings will compel them to see closeness with their partner would be thinking about their partner and having difficulty concentrating on other things, always remembering only their partner's good qualities, putting them on a pedestal, underestimating their talents and abilities and often their own as well. And the one way you can tell if you are feeling, if you have anxious attachment is that feeling of anxiety goes away only when you are in contact with your partner, okay? And also believing that this is your only chance for love as in you might, if it's you, if you relate to this, you might say to yourself, I'm only compatible with very few people. What are the chances I'll find this person again in my life, okay? You might say to yourself, it takes years to meet someone new. I'll just wind up alone if I let this person go, which is not true. It's just the fear and anxiety that you could be feeling if you are anxiously attached or it could be the other person, of course, just remember the goal here is to identify if this is someone you're involved with or if this is you, okay? So you may have a tendency to believe that even though you're unhappy, you'd better not let go. You might say to yourself, if my partner leaves me, they'll turn into a greater partner for someone else. If you find yourself seeing that, you don't want to leave your person because you're fearful that somebody else will find them and they'll be better with them. What the F is this? See, this is why I have subscribers mode only on, but I guess I must not have turned it on, you guys. This is why I put, this is why I put subscribers only on because naked online strippers without clothing is not something we're trying to get into, right? It's not the time and the place. What the hell? Let me fix it, you guys. Hold on a minute. We're not doing that today. No, we're not. People say, well, what? I have to subscribe to your channel in order to participate. I mean, yeah, you have to and this is why, because these types of, these types get in here and this subscribing keeps the trolls out, okay? Let me just get rid of these and hopefully I can. Okay. Let's get back to the, let's get back to what we're talking about here. Oh my goodness. Okay. The drama continues. So yeah, there's a fear for the anxiously attached that if they let their partner go, then they'll be better for the next person. There's a great fear of that anxiously attached people have more faith in their person that they can change than they do in themselves, okay? Or have a fear that their partner will change for somebody else. There may be, and I'm not sure if this relates to you guys, but if you're anxiously attached, you may say all couples have problems. We're not special in that regard. So those are just some of the things that an anxiously attached person can feel and usually the avoidant and the anxiously attached come from the same place. They just deal, they handle things differently. They both have a fear of abandonment. They both have a fear of getting close because there could be rejection. And one tries to keep the relationship from dissolving when the, and the avoidant tries to keep the relationship at a distance, okay? So each attachment style has a protest behavior, but mostly the anxious attached has a protest behavior, okay? So some of the things that an anxiously attached person will do, okay, because remember we've got the avoidant attachment style. We have the anxiously, anxious attachment style, and then we have the secure attached style. The avoidant and the anxious are insecure attachment, okay? So when you are in a position in a relationship where you feel your partner's pulling away or could be avoidant or keeps you at a distance a lot, some things you might do, there might be excessive attempts to reestablish contact with that person. So some anxiously attached people will have excessive calling, texting or emailing, waiting for a phone call, driving by the person's workplace or wherever it is that you guys were connected with the hopes of running into each other, the hopes of running into the person. There's also the anxiously attached will withdraw and will sit silently engrossed in their paper, their phone, literally turning their back on their partner, not speaking, talking with other people on the phone and ignoring them, okay? An anxiously attached person will also tend to keep score. An anxiously attached person can tend to pay attention to how long it took for their partner to text them back or call them back and wait just as long to return the text and the call. So for example, if you text your partner, if you're anxiously attached and you're waiting to see how long they text you back, some anxiously attached people will say, okay, it's been 35 minutes. So I'm not going to respond for 35 minutes and do the mirror thing, okay? And some anxiously attached people will wait for their partner to make the first makeup move and act distant until such time, okay? Sometimes they'll do, well, this person's not answering my calls, so I'm not going to leave a message. You know, there's a keeping score kind of game that gets played here when you're anxiously attached. Anxiously attached people can sometimes act hostile, rolling their eyes when they speak, looking away, getting up and leaving the room while somebody else is talking, acting hostile can transgress to outright violence at times. An anxiously attached person will threaten to leave, making threats like we're not getting along, I don't think I can do this anymore, or I knew we weren't really right for each other, or I'll be better off without you, although I, while hoping that their partner will stop them from leaving. There's very interesting stuff here. An anxiously attached person can have tendency for manipulation, so they can act busy or unapproachable, ignore phone calls, or saying they have plans when they don't. An anxiously attached person can try to make their partner feel jealous, and these are all to re-establish connection with their partner, so making plans to get together when the next for lunch, going out with friends to a singles bar, telling their partner about someone who hit on them today. These are all protest behavior, and it's all done to re-establish connection and get their attention. It's basically anything that can jolt their person into noticing them and responding to them. Yeah, it's harsh, and both of the insecure activating and deactivating strategies are very harsh. The anxiously attached person, if they're involved with an avoidant, feels that the avoidant is harsh because they neglect and they ignore and they stifle and they put aside and they don't make them a priority. The anxiously attached person can get very angry, so it's a dance. The avoidant and the anxious attachment tend to get into relationships with each other more often than not. More often than not. There's this deterioration of this relationship that will just keep happening and it will keep going and going and going until there's really nothing left until one person is able to take a look and say, how am I behaving? What style? What attachment style am I exhibiting in my relationships? Because even if this relationship deteriorates and ends, if there's no healing to become secure, the next relationship, and this is for the avoidant and anxiously attached, will keep repeating this cycle with the next and the next and the next. It's really important, as I was saying, these behaviors and strategies can also continue long after your partner is gone. This is part of what heartache is all about. The longing for someone who is no longer available to us when our biological and emotional makeup is programmed to try to win them back. Even if your rational mind knows you shouldn't be with this person, your attachment system doesn't always comply. The process of attachment follows its own course and its own schedule, which means you will continue to think about the other person and will be unable to push them out of your mind for a very long time. Most people with anxious attachment styles are particularly susceptible to falling into chronically activated attachment system situations, which means that once your attachment system is activated, you will find it much harder to turn it off if you have an anxious attachment style. So it's not easy. So here's the one little thing that I think is really important to understand. If you identify as having an anxious attachment and there's a whole lot more in depth into understanding, if you identify yourself there to learn about, to heal from, to get more secure, if you feel that this is you, you should not be dating someone avoidant. If you're in a relationship and you have an insecure attachment and your person is an avoidant, this is, this is a tower, this is a destructive type of a relationship because you want closeness and intimacy and your avoidant will want to maintain some distance emotional and or physical. If you have an anxious attachment style, you will be very sensitive to any signs of rejection. Okay. And they send mixed signals that often come across as rejecting. Okay. You, if you're anxiously attached, will find it hard to tell your partner directly what you need and what's bothering you, which is called effective communication. And you instead may use protest behavior. And I talked about all of that, the acting out to get reestablished connection with your person, excessive calling, texting, emailing, drive by stalking. Oh, the list goes on and on doing all kinds of things, creating jealousy situations, things like that. But the avoidant, your partner are bad at reading your verbal and nonverbal cues and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so. So because you cannot communicate what's bothering you and you struggle to communicate your needs, your partner who could be avoidant, right, doesn't have a clue. They don't feel it's their job to, to, to pick your brain. They don't feel it's their responsibility to read your mind. And so there's the breakdown right there because there's a lack of communication. The avoidant doesn't think it's their job to talk to you and you struggle to open up. You have a fear of rejection and most likely you would because the avoidant will reject. Okay. If you are anxiously attached, you need to be reassured and feel love or feel loved and the avoidant will tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate from them getting attached. You see the dance, the runner chaser dance. Okay. As an anxiously attached person, you may need to know exactly where you stand in the relationship where the avoidant prefers to keep things fuzzy, blurry, even if your relationship is very serious, some question marks will always remain. Okay. So the, the dance between the avoidant and the anxiously attached is, it's, it's not healthy. It's not healthy. And the first thing that's really important to understand is to figure out, first of all, what attachment styles are playing out in your relationship with your person? Okay. People with an avoidant attachment style tend to end their relationships more frequently. Okay. They also suppress loving emotions and therefore get over their partners very quickly so they can start dating again almost immediately. All right. Avoidants are never fully invested in, in the, even to begin with. Okay. Avoidants. Well, I have to say, if you're anxiously attached, you should be dating someone who is securely attached within themselves because you want closeness and intimacy and secure people are comfortable with closeness and they don't try to push you away. Okay. Because you are very sensitive to any signs of relationship that you are very sensitive to any signs of rejection. If you're anxiously attached, the secure attached are very consistent and reliable and won't send mixed messages that will upset you. If you become distressed, they know how to reassure you. Okay. Your, if you are anxiously attached, you, you, as I said before, you find it hard to tell someone directly what you need and what's bothering you, which is effective communication and use protest behavior instead of effectively communicating how you feel and talking about what you need. The secure person will see your wellbeing as a top priority and do their best to read your verbal and nonverbal cues. You need to be reassured and feel loved. The secure person feels comfortable telling you how they feel very early on in a, in a consistent manner. Okay. You need to know exactly where you stand in the relationships. Secures are very stable. They also feel comfortable with commitment. So does that mean that if you're anxiously attached that you're avoidant because the majority of the relationships play out this way. Avoidant and anxious. Does that mean your avoidant is this awful, awful person? No. Does that mean that you are an awful, awful person? If you are anxiously attached? No. There's a trauma. There's a wound that needs to be healed. And there's a great fear of abandonment and rejection. Okay. So the purpose of these messages here is for you to take a look and try to identify if you are anxiously attached. Okay. So again, just to recap, avoidance will send mixed messages. Okay. About how they feel towards you or about their commitment to you. Avoidance long for an ideal relationship but they give subtle hints that it will not be with you. Okay. They will desperately want to meet the one quote unquote but somehow always find some fault in you or in the circumstances that make commitment impossible. They will disregard your emotional well-being and when confronted they will continue to disregard it. They, an avoidant may suggest that you are too needy. They may tell you you are too sensitive or that you are overreacting. Thus, invalidating your feelings and making you second guess yourself. Okay. They will ignore things you say that inconvenience them. They don't, they won't respond or they don't usually respond or they will change the topic instead. Avoidance will address your concern as in a court of law responding to the facts without taking your feelings into account and your messages will not get across despite your best efforts to communicate your needs. The avoidant doesn't seem to get the message or they ignore it. Okay. And this is all called deactivating strategies so that they don't have to get close. You got to take a look at that and you can't base how the relation, you can't base really the relationship on your emotions and your feelings. You can love the person but you have to understand that being in a relationship where it's a runner chaser, no one's ever standing still and has time to build a firm foundation together because one's running away and the other's chasing. And a lot of times when you become more securely attached, if you are involved with an avoidant, they will have a tendency either to reach back out or they will find someone else to keep them that they can keep it a distance. Okay. So that they avoidance like to be lightly attached. Anxious have to be severely attached. Okay. And that's really the only difference. They both fear abandonment and rejection. Right. So let me take a look here. Yeah. I don't want to get too much into the avoidant because I already did the podcast already on that and you can go back and listen to it to try to understand a little bit more of what that really looks like. But I think it's, I don't know. I'm hoping that, so Friday we're going to take a look at, like I said, the secure and what that really looks like. I gave you a couple of secure behaviors so that you could try to understand, but I'll reiterate once again, if you feel like you are constantly thinking about your person and you have a heart, you're having a hard time concentrating on other things, then you are anxiously attached. You have an anxious attachment style. If all you can remember is they're good qualities, even though they may have treated you like they've treated you like even though they may have treated you like dog meat with neglect or being dismissive towards you and all you tend to think, well, yeah, they do that, but there's just such a great person. That is an anxious attachment because that's basically saying you're not taking into account the full picture. You're just picking out what is going to work for you in order for you not to be abandoned or rejected. If you find yourself putting this person on a pedestal or overestimating their ability to be attached to you in a healthy relationship, that's anxious attachment. If you ever feel extreme anxiety that only goes away when this person is in touch with you or when you are talking to them or when you reestablish the connection with them and that anxiety goes away, that should be a clue for you that you could be anxiously attached. If you believe that this person is your only chance for love and that there's never going to be anybody else in your life that you're never going to mean anybody as great as this person is, I mean, you probably have your person way too high on a pedestal as it is, so it would be really difficult for you to give anybody else a chance, but if you think to yourself, I'm only compatible with very few people. How can I possibly ever meet somebody like that person, him or her, or you give yourself excuses like, oh, it's just going to take forever, or you just have all these reasons, you don't get out, you don't go out and meet somebody and you're holding on to someone that treats you not so great, then you're anxiously attached. You may also, even though you know that you're unhappy in this relationship with this person, you will tell yourself, well, yes, I'm unhappy, but I'm not going to let go because if I let them go, they'll turn into someone better for somebody else. And if that's, if you find yourself having that great fear, well, fear and anxiety go hand in hand. So you're anxiously attached because that's not always the case, because if you're involved with someone who has an avoidant attachment style and they don't change and become secure, why do you think the next person is going to, the next person might not be better for them. The next person might be anxiously attached like you and the same dynamic, the cycle will play again, or the next person could be avoidant, but avoidants don't tend to find other avoidants, not often. Usually the way it works is the runner chaser, that's the dynamic. Okay, because they both, does that, so does that mean that either one of you does not love each other? Not at all. That that it doesn't even play out in here. You know, because if your avoidant keeps coming back, which a lot of you, I get those phone calls and you know, you guys will tell me, well, you know, I'm still holding on, I'm still making myself available to this person, they come in and out, I don't understand, I don't know what they want. It's clearly anybody who's in and out of your life like that, has an avoidant attachment style. They want to keep you there, but they can't go any further than that. They're incapable. They may not even know that they're dealing with this, to have this attachment style and you might not even realize that you are anxiously attached. Okay, so those were just the basics that I wanted to start with to give you some type of idea. Okay. Does it mean that the avoidant has borderline personality disorder? Does it mean that they are a narcissist? Does it mean that your person has a masochism problem? Not necessarily. You know, some people just have these attachment styles that have been produced usually from the time when they were young. Okay. And it's, you have to, you have to have agency because I know some of you will wind up leaving the relationship and then somebody else will come along and if you're anxiously attached and you don't heal that, you could have a tendency this cycle will repeat again and you will get in, they tend to attract each other avoidance and anxiously attached. Secure people will pick up on the avoidant, the person will pick up on the anxious attachment style. They won't bold, they don't run, secure people, they deal with the issues head on, they talk things out, they try to understand, but even the secure attached can only do so much. Okay. So if the secure attached feels like they're being neglected or they're being ignored or this person is distancing, they'll try to have a conversation with them. But if securely attached people do not hang on to relationships and they don't run in and out of somebody's life, securely attached people say, Hmm, well, I've done all I can possibly do here. So I think I got to go find someone who's a bit more stable, not so fickle and isn't playing games or vice versa, you know, whichever. Yeah. So I mean, listen, I don't want to like blow up my own channel, but for all the Tyra Card readings there are out there at the end of the day, the most important thing is for you to try to identify in yourself what your own attachment style is. And this book called attached, it is by Amir Levine. You can find it anywhere. There's a picture of the book there on the, on the, I think it's there. Do you guys see it there on the screen? Hopefully it's showing up there, but there's some tests in there. You can take self tests to see where you fall. Okay. Let me just see if there's anything else that. Oh, there's a couple other things. Okay. Oh yeah. No. So you can actually, it's interesting. So this book gives you a little test so you can identify your attachment style. And it also gives you a little test to help you identify your partner's attachment style. You can take it for them. You can ask them to take it. Or if you're not with them, you can, you know, look at some of the questions that ask and see based on past history. You know, you can use this on family members. You can use it on spouses, people that you're in relationships with, you know, friends, whatever relationship is most important to you that, you know, is causing you a bit of headache. And I feel like it's a really important tool to begin assessing for your healing. Somebody commented, I think in the comments that she was doing her dissertation on attachment styles. I don't know how old, I don't know how old this study is. I don't really think it's all that old. There is, and I think was it you've led that asked about codependency or somebody asked about codependency. And there is a section in here. It's called the codependency myth. So it even can be something, I guess you could look at it as also to do with your children. If you have children to see what their attachment style is. You know, I guess not if they're real little children, but I guess if they're older. But yeah. So does anybody have any questions for those of you who are in the chat? Like I said, Friday, I'm going to look at the securely attached to see what that looks like and what a relationship looks like with two people who are very secure. There's even tips and tricks on how to have effective communication with somebody. Oh, okay. So let's see. Yeah, I would recommend that you guys check out this book. Okay. Monti says deflect negative projection. Yes, definitely. Never let negative people make you negative. Well, we're all human. We all interact with each other. So never is pretty strong. We just try to do our best to have good communication with other people. Codependency is myth. Everyone needs someone for something. Absolutely. Codependency, I wouldn't say codependency is more along the lines of like if there's like an addiction, but being dependent on someone is a necessity in a relationship. Married liars. What does that mean? What does married liars mean? Married liars. You mean being in a relationship or married to someone who's a liar? She was married and wanted me. Well, she has a commitment elsewhere. There's plenty. Listen, have you ever been married? There's plenty of married people who are unhappy in the relationship. So they step out of their marriage because the grass is greener. You know, even if they're in an abusive relationship, they're in an abusive marriage. Abusive marriages or relationships are very difficult to get out of for people who have been conditioned for a very long time. And it can also create these dynamics, these attachment styles as well, I believe. There are people that I've heard who go into a marriage, a relationship very secure, and the damage that gets done by the person that they're with who's either avoidant or anxious can take a toll on that person and really turn things around on them and then they have to rebuild their core. So there's no linear perfection in personality. Yeah, I don't really see any benefit to getting involved with someone who's married. That's my personal opinion. Why finish your business? You know, and if someone is to approach and they're married, I feel like that's very much a low ball offer. I really do because it's like sometimes married people just want to step out for a little bit and then they see the grass is in that green, they wind up going back to their partners or spouses. Yeah. Here's an interesting thing I will say before I close out there's a chapter in here. Common anxious thoughts, emotions and reactions. So the anxious attached person have this quote unquote gift of mind reading. They'll say to themselves, that's it. I know my person is leaving me without really having that conversation. It's almost like as soon as there's a quick little sum change, anxiously attached person can very easily tune in. They have a hyper sensitivity that can tune in very well to little subtle changes in a partner and we'll have a tendency to, you know, if one tiny little thing feels off, they will say, oh my gosh, no, this is something's going on. They're breaking up or they're leaving me or they're cheating. They have a tendency to have dark downward thoughts and fears take over. They'll also tend to say, I'll never find anyone else or I knew this was too good to last. Anxiously attached people have all or nothing thinking. They'll say, I've ruined everything. There's nothing I can do to mend the situation. Or they'll say, my person can't treat me this way. I'll show them and they can be revengeful. Or they'll say, I knew something would go wrong. Nothing ever works out right for me. Or they have this desire, this strong desire. I have to talk to my person right now. Talk or see them right now. Like it has to be done right now. It's like an emergency. Or they all say to themselves, my person will come crawling back to beg my forgiveness. Otherwise they can forget about me forever. Right. Sometimes the anxiously attached person will do this thing where they'll say, well, maybe if I look drop dead, gorgeous or ex-deductive, things will work out, which can be a tool for manipulation. Or an anxious attached person will say, he or she is so amazing. Why would they want to be with me anyway? If there's a breakup or they feel like their person doesn't want them. Anxiously attached people will remember all the good things their partner ever did and said after calming down from a fight. They'll automatically lose the desire to have their need met. They're just happy that they're back or happy that things are calm and there's no more confrontation. An anxiously attached person will also tend to recall only the bad things their partner has ever done when fighting. And all these emotions will represent, well, most of the time, the emotions that an anxiously attached person tends to feel is sad, angry, fearful, resentful, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, despairing, jealous, hostile, vengeful, guilty, self-loathing, restless, uneasy, misunderstood, unloved, rejected, uncertain, or unappreciated. And so they'll tend to act out. They'll attempt to reestablish contact at any cost. They'll pick a fight. They'll wait for their person to make the first reconciliation move. They'll threaten to leave. Like I said, act hostile, roll the eyes, look disdainful and don't. Listen, I always do the eye roll thing, but that's like an 80s thing. I would never like in somebody's face say to somebody like roll my eyes right at their face. You know, but there's, so you don't want to look at just one symptom of your person. Okay. Or just one symptom of yourself. One symptom does not equate the whole thing. It all has to be there. Okay. They anxiously attached will try to make their person feel jealous. They'll act busy or unapproachable. They'll withdraw. Stop talking to them or turn away from them physically. Or they will have a tendency to act manipulative. Okay. And it's interesting because the avoidant tends to have some of the same things that the anxiously attached person will do. And I probably should have mentioned those in yesterday's, but I didn't even see it. But I will give you some of them. They will also have all or nothing thinking or black and white thinking. They will also say, I knew he or she wasn't right for me. This proves it. Or they'll over generalize and they may say to you, I knew I wasn't mean to be in a close relationship. They may even say, you're too good for me. These are deactivating strategies. They may say this that you're taking over their life and they can't take it. Or they may say, now I have to do everything your way. And the price, this price is too high for me to pay. Or I need to get out of here. I feel suffocated. They may say, if you were the one, they say to themselves, if you were the one, this kind of thing wouldn't happen. Or they may bring up an X and say this never happened with my X. Okay. They may accuse you of being really out to annoy them and say it's so obvious what you're doing. They may think that because you want to tie them down, that this isn't true love. They may fantasize about having SCX with other people. They may say they'll be better off on their own. Or they may just say you're so needy and they may look down on you because of that. Okay. And they'll act out. They'll get up and leave. They'll belittle you. They could act hostile, look disdainful, make critical remarks, minimize contact, keep emotional sharing to a minimum or stop listening to you or ignore you. Okay. Right. So first thing is take a look at yourself. See if you are an avoidant or if you are an anxious attached. Identify where you are on the spectrum here of things, where you are and look at your past relationships as well and see if there's, if you say to yourself, you know, I keep getting involved with these types of same types. You know, ask yourself, am I anxious and I'm just attracting avoidance and why? And look and see if the person, you know, if you're still with that person and you're going through this struggle, look and see if that's what's going on. And if you're not with that person and something's ended, just, there's no need to, you know, call them up and say, Hey, guess what? I just found out what my attachment style is and this is why we have all our problems. That might still be an activating strategy to try to pull them back in by saying, Hey, guess what? I understand it's all my fault and I'm going to fix it. If they're avoidant and they're not trying to fix it, you need to stop with that person, but you have to figure out if they are an avoidant. You could also have two people who are anxiously attached. Together and that's like hellfire. That's, that's all consuming. Two anxiously attached people will burn the house down. Okay. And two avoidants won't even have a house. Okay. And the anxious and the avoidant dance together will have a house and then they'll burn it down and then they'll have a house and then they'll burn it down. There's no house in this cycle. Just keeps repeating to securely attached people. That's peace. And that's the goal. So if you want to attract a secure person into your life, you must become secure yourself. And this book, I believe there's a lot of information in there to help you to start doing the work. If you feel like you identify with either the avoidant or the anxiously attached. And that's really it for this Lovecast. So I hope that was helpful. I hope that it was clear and that you were able to understand some of the dynamic here of this new love science. This book again, it's called attached. You can find it, I guess on Amazon or anywhere else. Yeah, there could be, like I said, the anxious will tend to withdraw at times as a protest behavior to try to draw their person back good, which would be the definition of using no contact as a manipulation tool. A lot of people who are anxiously attached will say, well, I'll go no contact and I'll show them it's a tool of revenge. And I'll do it for 30 days. And that'll get them to come back because then they'll be thinking about me and wondering where I am. And the whole premise of no contact is for you to not be in no contact with anyone that you feel things are deteriorating so that you can get yourself back in a good place and to use that time for healing, not as a tool for manipulation. Because what will happen is when you use no contact on an avoidant, they'll welcome it. They'll be happy because avoidants are like, oh, I'm getting my space. He or she is giving me exactly what I want. And if you come back after 30 days, they're going to be all happy to hear from you because you gave them all the space. And avoidants like that. You know, if you're going to take time out and go no contact, it's to heal yourself and to come back in if you so choose when you feel secure, right? And I can honestly tell you that when you become secure, you probably won't be looking in the rear view mirror and you'll probably be like, wow, I don't know that I want that relationship back anymore, but you have to give that time to yourself to, you know, say, hey, I'm worth this, you know? So, yeah, that's pretty much it empathic and used to attract type Bs here. Okay. Well, you're very welcome. I hope that that was helpful. I think there's transcripts on this. So hopefully you guys will be able to find everything or listen to it and be able to gain some insight and clarity from this. I really love this book and I feel like it's funny. I do tarot card readings and I want to help you guys, but I want to see you heal more than I want to do this for a living, you know? And I feel like there's always going to be people who are struggling in relationships, but if everybody who follows me and is able to get that healing in, maybe someday you'll get to a chance where you'll become able to listen to tarot readings to see how you could be more successful in other areas of your life when you're dealing with relationships that are just not healthy for you. Okay. So hopefully that will give you a little bit of a power boost. All right. So do you get that book? Do you check it out? I'm sure you can download it on Kindle or you can purchase the book and there's oodles and oodles of attachment style videos on YouTube that you can also use to understand and it's just another piece of the pie for you to understand what exactly that you've been dealing with and so that you can understand that, you know, you don't have to suffer. You don't have to suffer. All right, you guys. So that's going to be it. I'm going to end this now and I will see you guys. I'll try to be on later this evening. If not, I will catch you all later. All right. Take care, everybody. Bye-bye.