 Quality of product is as firm so fully packed. S-M-F-T, S-M-F-T. That's right. That means fine tobacco, sir. Here's one thing you can do. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. The enjoyment. Smoke that's fine tobacco. Lucky strike program starts back. Benny with Barry Livingston. Ladies and gentlemen, last week we intimated that it was raining here in sunny California. Now that was purely for your entertainment and to prove to you that the weather here is absolutely wonderful, we bring you a testimonial from one of our satisfied residents. Listen to that little birdie zinging. At any rate, since this is a beautiful day, let's go out of Beverly Hills to Jack Benny's house where we find Jack and the gang in the backyard practicing archery. Do I hold a bow like this, Jack? Yes. Now pull the string all the way back. Take aim. Now let go. There, it's pretty good, Mary. You hit the target. You know, you only missed the bullseye by three inches. Yeah. Now it's my turn. Stand back a little, Mary. You too, Phil. Watch me hit the bullseye. Here I go. Stand aside. Here I go. He caught in the bull. If you kids will stop bothering me, I can hit that target at 100 yards. I'm an expert marksman. Some marksman. You even had a bomb site put on your door key so we could hit the keyhole. Bomb site, bomb site, bomb site. Cut out the talking. I'll show you that I can do it. Ready? Aim? Good luck, Mr. Benny. Huh? I said good luck. Oh, too, Larry. When'd you come in? About ten minutes ago. Why'd you speak to me before? With that bow and arrow, I thought you were an Indian. Well, I do have a little Indian blood in me. Yeah, he's the last of the Walkigans. Now, if everybody be quiet, I'll show you how to... Phil, get away from the front of that target. Get hit. Stand aside. Ready? Aim? Mr. Benny, would you let Ms. Livingston hold your bow and arrow for a minute? What for? Well, I want to bend over and tie my shoelace. Don't worry. I'm not aiming at you. Now, stand back, everybody, and give me room. Ready? Aim? Hello, Jack. Hi, everybody. Hiya, Bonsie. Now, interruption is nothing but interruption. Well, you ought to be glad, Jackson. You couldn't hit that target if you sneezed with a mouthful of buckshot. Oh, I couldn't. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, Phil. Since you're such a wise guy, I'll bet you a dime that I can take this bow and arrow and shoot an apple off of Don Wilson's head. Now, put up or shut up. Hey! Okay, Jackson, you got a bet. Not just a second. Just a dime. Well, here's my dime. Well, let's marry. Hold the money. She fell us, and I'm not even bonded. Okay, Phil, I'll show you. Now, wait a minute, Jack. I'm not going to stand there with an apple on my head and take the chance of... Don! Phil and I are betting. What have you got to lose? I'm not going to do it. Don, have you read your contract? On page 12, volume six, paragraph three, is the apple shooting clause. So includes holding a cigarette between your teeth when I'm having rifle practice. Now, you get out there and put that apple on your head. Oh, all right. What are you laughing at? That silly clause you've got in my contract. What is it, Libby? Well, I'm too old for radio. I've got to work around his house. For your own protection, sister. Now, Don, put that apple on your head and stand there by that tree. Okay. Ready? A bird just lit on Don's head. Just pecking at the apple. Oh, yes. I'm glad you stopped me, Mary. I wouldn't want to hurt a poor little bird. Go away, birdie. Go away. Birdie. Birdie, go away. Get in that bird, will you? Go away, birdie. Go on, go on, go away. What's that, birdie? What do you know? That's right, birdie. Fly away. Go, go, go. I quit stalling. What about the bet we got? Oh, yes. Go ahead, shoot the apple of a Don's head. I will, I will. Don, put that apple back on. Okay. Now, watch me. Don, put it in the middle of your head. Don't try to look sporty. If you take the joint apart, they're going to take it all in. When the yanks go, you could never keep them happy, happy. They turn. There's Mike and Chateau. There'll be a heart pounding, the yanks go marching in. Say, Don, it's about time you took that apple off your head. I'll put a feather in it and sell it to Heather Hopper. Okay. And how about going into Den and we'll have a little game of retirement letter? Just step right in the library. Oh, thank you. Okay. You go ahead with off me. I'll be busy for a little while. What a lovely library. So many of them. What are they? Shakespeare? No. Those are contracts I have with my cast. If I remember correctly, you wanted an interview about me and my radio program. Yes, but I want to do this story from a little different angle. I want to know about the members of your cast. Hmm. Well, uh, what is it you'd like to know? Well, you've been on the air about 14 years, haven't you? That's right, 14 years. I started when I was 22, which makes me exactly 30. I understand, Mr. Benny. Good. Now, uh, tell me, how long has Mary Livingston been on your program? Mary? Well, Mary joined me after I'd been on the air just about three months. I see. And, uh, Don Wilson? Don? Well, Don has been with me a little over 11 years. Phil Harris, about 10. And Larry Stevens. I think you know the story of Larry. Yes, I heard it on Mr. Anthony's program. Yes, yes. He decided in my favor. Those are the new volumes on the top shelf. For my career in radio, I've been... And tell me about Rochester, your valet. Hmm. Rochester? Yes. How long has he been with you? Well, Rochester has been with me nine years. Say, that's funny. What a coincidence. It's exactly nine years this month. Tell me, Mr. Benny, how did you happen to find Rochester in the first place? Well, this is quite a long story, Mr. Kernes. You see, nine years ago, I was in New York. It was March, 1936. One day the weather was so nice, I decided to take a little drive. Uh-huh. I was driving along 7th Avenue, around 134th Street, all along my car, and enjoying the ride. He maxed, well, car, I go roaming near and far. Da-da-dum, da-dum, da-dum. Da-da-dum, da-dum, da-dum. Ah, there's nothing like an auto ride on a day like this. Gosh, how time flies. Here it is, 1936, and I bought this car in 1924. I was only 10 years old when I got it. Yes, sir. I understand the model after this one had the crank in front. Gosh, what won't they think of next? Well, I guess I'll step on the gas and let her out. Oh, darn it, it's stalled again. I'm going to take this car and sell it to the first junkyard. I can pot... Ha-ha-ha! It always works. Well, I might as well get going. Ah, what a day. In my merry max, well, car, I go roaming near and far. Da-da-dum, da-dum, da-dum. Well, how do you like that? This is all your fault. My fault? You think just because you drive a taxi, you can smash into other people's cars and forget all about the traffic rules and regulations. But, mister... Well, I'm going to sue you and your taxi company for every penny worth of damage to my car because it was your fault. But, mister, I was parked when you hit my taxi. You were parked? Yeah. Anyway, this was your fault as much as mine. And I'm going to see... Mister, look down on the floor. I'm almost sorry the collision killed your cat. The poor thing... That's not my cat. It slipped off my head. I'm going to sue your taxi company. Let me see your driver's license. Okay. Here it is. Hmm. Rochester, Van Jones. 5 feet 10 inches. 155 pounds. 31 years old. Brunette. Hmm. Now, may I please see your license, mister? Here. And remember my name and address because I'm going to sue you. S sue me? Yes. I'm going to take you into court and get every cent you've got in the world. You can reach in my pocket and do that. Well, you better think it over and I'm willing to be reasonable. If you want to arbitrate and settle this out of court, I'll be home all afternoon. Say, Anna, do you think that new taxi driver you hired will work out? I don't know, Amos. Dogon, I don't see why you had to hire a driver in the first place. We only got one cab and I can drive that. Listen, Amos, when you reaches our position in the business world, you've got to have people's working for you. Yeah, I can't see where we done reached those positions, though. Amos, did you realize that last month we lost less money than any month that we had been in business? Yeah, but that was a reason for that. Last month only had 28 days in it. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. You know, Amos, if we can find a month short enough, we're liable to break even. I still think that we should wait till we start making money before we go around hiring people. No, no. People is the thing. If we ain't got nobody working for us and we go bankrupt, there ain't going to be nobody sorry for us, but us. And us ain't enough people to have for us. Well, Anna, we ain't bankrupt yet. I know, but we is getting into those long months. Well, I still think that I should go out and drive that taxi cab myself. Here comes Rochester, your new driver. Well, hello there, Rochester. I was business this morning. Bang up, gentlemen. Bang up! Yeah, that was good. What did you collect? A busted taillight, a bent fender, and a dead cat with a part in the middle. You mean you done had an accident? No, no. The other driver had the accident, but I was unfortunate enough to be too close to the scene. This was bad. Who was it you had the accident with? A man named Jack Benny. Jack Benny? That must be the radio comedian. If it is, this is really bad. He is supposed to be the cheapest man in the world. The cheapest man in the world? Yeah. I heard he lived so close to his money that even his skin feels like an outsider. Show enough. Oh, yeah. And I also heard that he's got a zipper on his wallet that is yet to make his first zip. What a man he must be. Oh, he can't be so bad, gentlemen. In fact, he said he'd be at his hotel all afternoon if we wanted to arbitrate. If we wanted to arbitrate who? The man said, arbitrate. Well, now, if that ain't a coincidence, arbitrate happens to be the one word in the English language which I ain't familiar with. Why don't you look it up in the dictionary, Andrew? Yeah, that's what I'll do. I got the dictionary right here. Arbitrate. Ar. What's the second letter? You ain't even got the first. I know. I know. I'll get the first later. I'm working on the second. Now, let me see. Well, hello there, boys. How's everything going? Oh, not so good, King Fish. Rochester here done had an accident in the taxi cab. Well, that's bad, bad. It's worse than that. The man he accidented with is going to arbitrate him. Uh-uh. That ain't good. Well, how do you know? Were you ever arbitrated? Gentlemen, I don't think you know the meaning of the word. Let me see that dictionary. Now, I think it begins with an A. Let's see. Arbitrarily, arbitrary. Here it is, arbitrary. To act as an arbiter. Well, that's logical. To mediate. Yeah, well, that ain't told us nothing yet. To act as an umpire. Well, the man wants to play baseball. No, no, no, King Fish. Listen, you was thinking of umpire. This year is umpire. Well, what is the difference? Well, there's a baseball umpire, the British umpire, and the umpire state base. There's three entirely different words. Arbitrate to settle a dispute. That's it. Gentlemen, I think Mr. Benny wants to settle this dispute. Oh, I know that all the time. Well, King Fish, you better come along with us. We gotta go see the man that roched us the accident with. Oh yeah, I tell you what, you go along in my place, King Fish. I better take the taxi over to the shop and fix it. Yeah, okay. We better go. And remember now, when we seize the man, let's all arbitrate in the same direction. Yeah, we'll have to watch that. Come on, let's go. Here we are, King Fish. This is the right place, ain't it, Rochester? That's what it says here on the card. Yeah, good. Yeah? Oh, Mr. Benny, I is Andrew H. Brown, the President, Chief Executive, and General Manager of the Fresh Air Taxicab Company in Corp. Oh yes, you men are here about the accident. Come right in. I presume that your driver's informed you of the circumstances and my position in this case. Yeah, he done that. We've been meeting with the stockholders, the other officers of the incorporation and our legal advisors. And we don't come to the conclusion that $50 is a fair settlement. $50? Well, I... Well, okay. Oh, you was a fair man, Mr. Benny. Just make that check payable to Andrew H. Brown. All right, I'll make... What? Me pay you? Why, you've got to pay me. Oh, you take over, King Fish. Now, I mean business. I'll turn this matter over to a lawyer. Lawyer? Here's my card. Wait a minute, King Fish, you've got our time. Are you? Oh, yeah, yeah, I was on your side. Yeah, that's right. Now look, you boys pay me for the damage to my car. I'll take you to court. Well, just a minute, Mr. Benny. You was acting kind of hasty. You ain't even let us tell our side of the story. What? You don't see nobody side of the story, but you own. Are you insinuating that I'm narrow-minded, unreasonable, and hard-headed? That's what he said! That's what the man said! Well, I can see we're not getting anywhere. I'll have my lawyer see you in the morning. Just a minute, Mr. Benny. Oh, hold it, please. Come here, we've got to do a little conferencing. No, no, Rochester, you stay where he is. This is just for the executives. Yeah, Rochester, we'll put out a bulletin for the employees. Uh... What is it, King Fish? What is it? Look here, I just got an idea. Mr. Benny is going to have to pay, Mr. Benny, and we ain't got no cash. Now, I noticed that Mr. Benny come to the door himself, and that means that he ain't got no gentlemen as gentlemen. You know, Valet? Uh... And Rochester, as the president's situation proves, ain't such a good driver for your taxicare. Do you follow me? Oh, you mean you want to palm Rochester off on Mr. Benny? Right. Oh, that's a good idea, yeah. If we can settle this case by giving him Rochester as a Valet, we'll be curing two headaches with one aspirin. But listen, how are we going to get Mr. Benny to need a Valet? Uh, leave it to me, leave it to me. Oh, Mr. Benny! Yeah? We have finished our conference, and it is agreed to make a settlement in your favor. Good. Now, I have my witness here, which is Andy, and if you will have your Valet, come and be your witness. Valet? I don't have a Valet. You don't have a Valet? A man of your social position? A man of your prestige? Well... No, Valet, why, that's unbelievable. A man as famous as you is in the entertainment world? Well, I understand that even Fred Allen has somebody that weighed on him, hand and foot. That's his wife. Anyway, it's not my fault that I haven't got a Valet. I've always wanted one, but the right man never came along. He's here now. What? Gentlemen, gentlemen, stop forming a circle around me! Quiet, Rochester, quiet. And shake hands with your new boss. I'm not so fast. Come on, Andy, we gotta go. No, no, wait a minute. Good luck to you, Rochester. Well, Rochester, as long as you're my Valet now, you may as well get busy. You can put these shirts that just came back from the laundry in my top bureau drawer. Is this it, Mr. Benny? That's it. What are you laughing at? Look at this dog. Are you kidding me? Never mind, that and just for that, you can't have Wednesday off. And that, Mr. Kearns, is how I found Rochester. That's very interesting. I'm sure I can get a good story out of it. Thanks very much, Mr. Benny. You're welcome, you're welcome. Goodbye. Goodbye.