 Hey, hey, thank you so much for joining me on another episode of talks with Tony. Hey, I'm back to the inbox answering some questions Now I want to remind you I read these with you for the first time. I don't pre-screen these I just assume everybody is important and everybody has an issue that's important to them So I'm reading this for the first time when I'm reading it to you I want y'all to be aware of that. This isn't something that's kind of You know cooked up and This one's a little different because The person attached some photos. I guess of her husband sending some DMs on Instagram to other women and she wants to know if it's cheating Good afternoon. I've been listening to your podcast for a while. I enjoy listening to a man's perspective My family is mostly women. So I'm hoping you can advise me on a situation with my husband We have been married for almost five years. No kids and he's a really good guy. He's hard-working Married for almost five years. No kids and he's a really good guy. He's hard-working Generous and easy-going. We don't fight too often and when we do it's pretty mild and doesn't last long My issue with him is that he DMs other women He is very friendly and outgoing and every time I look through his phone He's messaging random women that he's met. He works out of town a lot and golf's on his spare time So he's out by himself a lot The conversations are harmless, but I'm certainly but I'm certain Not certainly not comfortable with this When I talk to him about it, he flips it on me saying I'm insecure and that he's not doing anything wrong He says I'm being controlling. He eventually agrees to stop but ends up just doing a better job of hiding it Recently he has been sending videos and selfies to his co-worker and I see that he messages several females That I don't know on snapchat, but it deletes the messages So I can't say what the conversations are about My friends say I suggest put up with it that he could be doing worse. Am I expecting too much? I'm just worried he could easily cross the line. I attach some examples. I think about I Think about leaving him sometimes, but I'm afraid I might be overreacting to a minor infraction I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Hey, thank you so much for sending this So I see this young lady posted herself on her story He responded. Why are you making that face lol? And she said lol. That's my halfway there face He said lol. I'm not Going to ask where halfway there is that I'm not even oh, yeah the type I'm not even going to ask where halfway there is that So this other one, you know He sent a address And then she sent an address is that an address to where she lives? And then he's wrote her get your a out of bed Sending chats Then the lady Don't hurt them And she put why not they hurt me all summer 2019 Then he put lol Almost forgot you at 80s, baby And she put exactly lol Well, I'll tell you Looking at these. He's definitely flirting um in flirt for a reason flirting is Mmm, if I can explain it flirting is kind of like It's kind of like if you are feeling something, you know like uh Leading up to your release, you know, whatever that may be, you know And you get to your release, you know your your sexual release. You're almost there and then stopping every time That's what flirting is So imagine, you know getting ready to have a sexual release You know orgasm. I don't like saying a word But before you get there you have to stop the action, you know, whatever that may be You with yourself or you with your partner, right? That's what flirting is flirting is the build up flirting is leading to the climax flirting is the foreplay So what he is doing is emotional cheating Like if he doesn't know these people Like personally like went to school with them like high school And they're like, you know, little sister's type situation Not his cousin Anything like that his brother's wife You know somebody that's just completely off limits and this is very dangerous ground But here's the thing Men get bored in marriage if he's not physically cheating Then he is going to be doing this unless you tell him this is unacceptable And if a man leaves a story Of posting himself a selfie on instagram And you write that man You reply to his story. Why are you making that face? And then you and then he says why are you worried about it? I'm just wondering. Why are you making that face? Oh, what you gonna do come fix it Uh, no, I'm I just wanted to know I thought the face was an interesting face, right? So you do that exchange Screenshot it Show it to your husband. This is hypothetical. I'm not saying do this What would his reaction be? Do you think he would feel that you're going overboard that you're doing the most that women should not be doing that If he would feel that way Then you shouldn't be doing it. And that's one thing my wife really got me together on early in our marriage You know the first couple years she got me together and what she told me she was like You put the shoe on the other foot And if I did that if I said that to a man How would you feel? I was like, wow when I really took the time to walk a mile In her shoes and see it from her perspective I was like, wow, you know what? You're right Because sometimes as a man we say things and we're trying to be flirtatious, but innocent We call it innocent, but yet still trying to be kind of flirty Because what women don't understand and most men can't articulate this is When you're flirting with a woman it is a sexual release And what I mean by that the interaction releases A chemical from your brain So it's like you're experiencing happiness. So writing a roller coaster playing a video game Doing a job that you love All of these things make you feel happy solely because of the chemical the dopamine or the serotonin that your brain is releasing So when you are flirting you are having an emotional and a chemical release in your body that makes you feel happy Makes you feel giddy. It makes you feel good. So although it is not a full-fledged, you know Sexual release it is still a release. It is relaxing. It is engaging It is, you know fun And so that is why men do it. That is why women do it for the release for the feeling This right here Now your problem is you're seeing all of this and you've seen it more than one time and you keep bringing it to his attention And he keeps finding a way to do it better What you're going to have to do is take a chance of letting it pile up Don't question him about it for six months. Don't change your energy Don't have a silent treatment. Don't be mad. Don't question him about it for six months And whenever you get to see his phone, you keep checking it You keep tabs You can screenshot text it to yourself delete the text There is no privacy in marriage So I don't recommend this if you are you're gonna excuse me lose my voice I don't recommend this if you are In a dating relationship There is no privacy in marriage the two become one you are one and so if you are married What's mine is yours. What's yours is mine. My phone my wife has my passcode She can go on my phone at any time. She can hold my phone all day long because we're one. It's her phone And it needs to be like that in marriage. So don't feel like you're doing something wrong By looking at his phone because you have to inspect what you expect And heard a guy say that maybe it was brian tracer or something talking about business and Management and you know running a company you have to inspect what you expect And so in marriage you got to check up sometimes you got to check up. I'm married my wife 12 years you know and I'm pretty sure at times she may grab my phone or go on google And she may skim through them text messages If i'm sitting with her phone and she gets a text i'ma skim through them text messages Well, let me see who you're talking to you just got to check up. You can never get complacent. You trust your partner But don't get complacent Don't get law to sleep thinking that you're dating jesus that you're married to jesus That you're married to a god that is perfect that can do no wrong You're dealing with a human being And so you got to check up on human beings because human beings are flawed human beings make mistakes human beings You know do some stupid things so you check up And to everybody that's out there and as a general message To everyone listening Yes, this is cheating Yes, this is cheating And we feel it we're tempted by it as men all the time I don't talk to women in my dm I don't talk to women in my dm unless it's a message about business. Hey How much for coaching? How do I get coaching and I give them the the email address to write to for coaching You know or something like that or they post the picture of my book and i'm saying thank you But no back and forth if I answer a woman Let's say it's something that's heart wrenching gut wrenching and I answer her In that message and she responds again My next response to her is hey, I would love to help you more But it would have to be in the form of a coaching session But I'd never ever write a woman shooting the breeze like Oh, why did you post that picture? Oh, I like that outfit If I send a message it's motivational, you know, I messaged the lady yesterday who has a million Followers online and she's buying up real estate and she's you know doing she's outside of my Realm of attraction, you know not my type So that's another thing if she was my type like A woman that I felt like wow this woman if I was single I would want to be with her I wouldn't write her Because I don't want to tempt myself or put myself in a position This young lady nothing wrong with her is just that I'm not attracted to her So I wrote a you're doing some great things, you know, you're doing big things keep pressing You know keep moving and have you considered, you know writing a book Doing online courses if you do I would love to help you and I write men and women That because I want to motivate them on the journey But I keep it there. I keep it there. Don't say anything else and a lot of those women Who they know That there could be something You know like that they could possibly be attracted to me and they don't want anything Like that to happen. They keep it very cordial, you know, and they don't try to go back and forth And you have to be careful in your relationship even in dating relationships because social media is ruining relationships because It sneaks up on you And it's exposing Weak bonds is exposing weak relationships to where you don't have enough communication and understanding That means that you have some areas of weakness It is understood By my wife and I that we are not to be in the d in the dm Going back and forth With people of the opposite sex that we could possibly be attracted to It is understood, you know, my wife does not follow men on instagram That she could be attracted to I don't follow women on instagram that I could be attracted to if we're following somebody Me I just follow her and my two sons her she follows all her little bloggers and you know fashion people and Celebrities and stuff. She looks up to Beyonce or whoever But she's not following, you know, these men that's going to be posting this shirt off and trying to, you know Catfish and and thirst trap online That's understood That's that's because we understand human nature And so that's what you have to get through. Don't look at this If I was doing this, my wife would absolutely Tell me this is absolutely unacceptable and it has to stop Here's the other sad part that I want to touch on Before I wrap this up My friends say I should just put up with it That he could be doing worse If you put up with this He will be doing worse If you put up with this He will be doing worse. You've been married for five years He knows better Your relationship could be coming to an end If he can't get his situation straight And it may be a blessing In disguise that you don't have kids What I would recommend Is that you don't have kids Until you get through these situation this situation. So in the next 12 months You might want to be on birth control Or you might want to cut off the sex Or have him wear protection You know, and I've been married 12 years, you know, I don't have a vasectomy. My wife doesn't have her tubes tied so she's on birth control And the birth control also helps regulate her hormones because, you know, having hormonal shifts and When she's not on birth control, I got to wear protection Men cannot understand that men's boy. What are you crazy? But guess what? That's my wife. And if she don't want to have another child I don't want to have another child because I know she's gonna have the bulk of it And at the end of the day, it's only one feeling It's one feeling at the end of that thing. And if it happened for me both ways, hey, I'm okay. I'm gonna respect that Of course, I would rather not but I got to respect her being her mindset her feelings I'm not just going to take advantage of her and say I'm doing this because you're my wife and guilt trip her into I'm not gonna put on a protection with my wife And that's what most men say. That's what most men tell me. Man, you crazy. No, she a human being You know, if she on her birth control and she been on it and she not in that little window where she got to get a refill then We okay But I got to respect her thoughts her feelings In regards to everything social media me coaching my female clients, you know I have female clients that They would never come on to me. They'll never try to say they would never say toning you fine Tony you sexy tone. I wish you could be my husband But they would be like, you know, they would become almost like a sister Because these celebrity clients they can afford to or need More coaching because of the level that they're dealing with And they would say, you know, love you And I would say a love you too And then my wife, she saw that she's like, hey, hold on. Hold on. I would just love you I know we got a lot of love yous going on In the world and people talking about love you love you love you, but she's like, no, this this right here You can't be hollering about I love you You know, not even I want to say I love you but not even love you luv with you She say because women going to take that differently These women they single they desperate They see you they see you a good man. They see you faithful They see you not coming on to them They see that you willing to treat them like become that big brother Roll and be a protector and you giving them wisdom you helping them change their lives You're pushing them you're motivating them. She's like women Will see that the wrong way and start to desire you and wish you were their husband And if they see some weakness in you, they may pounce So that's not appropriate. I said, you know what? I'm not a woman. I don't have a female mind. I don't know how women view me That should be common sense I kind of felt like it was But didn't really know and I'm like, well, this woman ain't never tried me in no other way You know, so it must be innocent So I ignore My, you know intuition and then my wife let me know. So guess what? I had to cut that all the way out Had to cut that all the way out and this, you know, what? A decade ago So I don't went that long With no signs of You know tip tone on that line So listen to me cut this out This is cheating. I'm gonna tell y'all. What else is cheating? In closing Men you liking women pictures who showing off their body You know, they post in selfies Get yourself together You're cheating If you in a relationship you should not be liking Pictures of other women advertising themselves If they post their degree a picture of their degree, okay That's something totally different. They post a picture of their son Hidden the baseball at the baseball game. That's different But she's sitting there in her front seat taking a selfie and you like the picture She on the on the beach in her bathing suit taking the picture. You like the picture you cheating You're emotional cheating and you trying to send that Like to get her attention and you going from liking that picture to being in her dm I'm a man just like you. I know what you're up to. I know what you're up to, bro That is a signal you sending her a little smoke signal to say, hey, I see you I'm watching you I'm coming for you expect the dm Coming to a inbox near you That's what you're doing. I know you're doing it Cut the crap Cut the crap Treat your woman with respect ladies. Stop falling for the crap Stop falling for the crap thinking this is innocent. It's just social media. I hear women say that all the time Ain't nothing a man do innocent everything calculated Everything strategic that's how men move. We don't move innocent We do not move innocent. We kill us. We hunters. We go getters It ain't no innocence in a man everything calculated everything got a purpose to it Everything means something a man your man liking half naked pictures. He liking selfies. He liking bathing suit pictures He got a motive and he gonna make a move. I guarantee you Unless it's his blood sister or his blood cousin his blood mama You know, or whoever raised him unless it's a woman like that His school teacher That's old enough to be his grandmother not his school teacher. That's just old enough to be his big sister That that that was his teacher, you know, and he's still she young enough to get touch. Mm-hmm She got to be his grandmother age For it to be innocent. Listen to what i'm telling you Getting your relationship and shut it down Shut it down Because that's what's ruining us today Hey, this tony gaskins. This was a lighter one today, but I feel like social media is very relevant You know very important If you have a question for me, please send it to inbox at tony gaskins dot com inbox at tony gaskins dot com I can't answer all of them, but I try to get you know, the majority of them Thank you so much. God bless you if you catch this on youtube Check the link in the description. Join me on patreon Patreon is a small group community Where I post my videos a day early I post exclusive content exclusive blogs and write-ups You know try to join between the first and the fifth of the month I would love your support. That is what is helping me continue this journey doing what i'm doing Hiring, you know the team to shoot and edit this so I really appreciate your support Thank you so much. God bless you. We'll talk soon