 Warrior of the Woodland! Ranger Bill, Warrior of the Woodland, struggling against extreme odds, traveling dangerous trails, showing rare courage in the face of disaster, in the air, on horseback, or in a screaming squad car. Ranger Bill, his mind alert, a ready smile, unswerving, loyal to his mission. In all this, in exchange for the satisfaction and pride of a job well done. Ah, teletype, go like everything for a half an hour. Hey, there's special bulls in here. I'll say it's been going. There must be something big going on. I'll see what it's about. What's up, pal? Here, read it for yourself and find out. Wow! Hey, I'm watching tonight. Colonel Anders. That's important. Lock me over with a feather and call me grandpa. I see something like Henry Palwell. Wow is right, Henry. Yes, sir. Acknowledge receipt of this message and then copy this on a mimeograph, at least 50 copies. Yes, sir, on the double. I'm not through yet. Oh, sorry. Gray Wolf, Stumpy, you fellas prepare envelopes to every ranger in this district and also a numbered register. I want every ranger to sign the register as he receives this message in a sealed envelope. When the envelopes are stuffed and ready to go, you fellas divide up the district three ways and make like Paul Revere. Here, sign this register for this envelope. Hey, what's it all about? You'll find out when you read it. Come on, sign it. I've got ground to cover. Sure, sure. Boy, this must be really hot to have to sign for it. There you are, Henry. Thanks. Okay, come on, Bass, let's go. Hi, Peg. Where's Frank? Why he's out on the trail working? Why? Say, you've been writing pretty hard, and what's all that official looking paper's about? Well, I can't explain now. Sign here, please, and be sure Frank gets it some moment he returns. Sure. Where do I sign? Right here, this line. Yeah. Now remember, Peg, this is top official and extremely important. I'll see you later. Let's go, Bass. Boy, I'm glad this ain't a high tower. I'd clear go to China at the speed I was going. What's up, and what's so important? Can't say it's all inside this here official envelope. Sign here on the dotted line. Say, is this why you made me come all the way down here? Just a sign for this envelope? You got a nerve calling me down here for this. Why couldn't you stick it in the mailbox? Stop that handcock down. I gotta get moving. Okay, okay. What's inside anyway? Sail bulletin from the mail order house? Call it what you like. You change your mind after you read it. Come on horse, let's pick them up and lay them down on the double. You made it. I've been getting ulcers waiting for you. So the boys sent word ahead, huh, heavy? Yeah, they sure did. You know our back country telephone circuit. Where do I sign? Where does it look like since you're the last guy on the list? Boy, there must be hot stuff inside this envelope. Yep. Say, ain't you getting heavier all the time? Yep. I guess so. Last time I seen your Mrs. in town, she said you was on a diet. Oh, I am, I am. Huh? Yep, sure. I'm eating nothing but food. Nice of you to make a visit. I hope you don't mind my dropping by without warning. Of course not. Let's go in the house. Oh, before I forget, I'd like to have the recipe that you made for us the other night. You know that sort of pie-like thing? Oh, yes. Say, I have it in my apron pocket here. Good, Frank really loved it, so I better not go home without it. I know, heavy likes it too. It's such a lovely day. And Frank is at home, so I asked him if he'd mind babysitting while I came over. You make the two-mile hike over here, so unlike we were next door neighbors. Oh, now listen, Hannah, don't fix coffee. I come and visit you not to make you more work than you've already got. Ah, Shoppeg, it's no bother at all. Besides, I'm so tickled that you did come over. I wish we were next door neighbors, then we could visit more often. Isn't the news thrilling for our men? Yes, indeed. You know, Heavy's as excited as a little boy about this. Oh, so is Frank. What a wonderful thing to happen to them. There. Now, I'll sit down while the coffee perks. Say, I have some fresh apple strudel to go with the coffee. How nice. Oh, you've got the letter in your hand. Yes, you know me. Everything's filed away in my apron pocket. Read it to me as if I didn't know what it says. But it sounds so, so well, so extra important, like such a high honor. Yes, it does. From Chief Ranger of Naughty Pine District to all the Rangers in this command. Subject, special teletype message, just receive this AM. Quote. Oh, Hannah. Chief Ranger Bill Jefferson, one month from day you are to present to a special representative of the President of the United States, a handpicked group of your men to accompany the President's representative and a distinguished group of gentlemen from the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. This handpicked honor guard will conduct the VIPs through your entire district in a very detailed and close inspection trip. I suggest your handpicked honor guard consist of 25 men in addition to yourself and your staff. Sign Colonel Joshua Albert Anders by the direction of the Secretary of the Interior. Imagine all those important people coming way out here. Now we have something to really look forward to and after it's over to talk about it with pride. I wonder who the men are that will be picked for the honor guard. I guess only Bill knows that. But have he says no matter who will be chosen for the honor guard, Bill will do it in a way that, well, it's fair in just all the men. Oh, sure, Hannah. We know Bill will pick the right men and those that deserve it and he'll probably be absolutely fair about it. Just the same. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes right now. Why not, Peggy? Don't you think somebody will get hurt feelings because he wasn't selected and perhaps there'll be some jealousy? Why, Peggy, I never thought of it that way. I suppose you're right, but then there's another way to look at it. What's that? The men who are picked, well, are in for some real tough training and work according to what have he says. Why, he says that this will be the dress parade from the word go. The men who are picked will have to be sharp as tax and polished like new diamonds. Mr. Jefferson, all men are present or accounted for. Very well. Oh, men, I know you may be so much surprised at the sudden formality of our general meetings since we've always been very informal. As we used to say in the service, this has got to be a spit and polish operation from now on until this whole affair has wound up. I know without a doubt that there isn't a man in my command who won't measure up to the great honor of his dota bonus. You're a hand-picked group from the first day you came into this district. And as far as I'm concerned, even though we're all on the well-known spot, we'll come through with flying colors. Mr. Kendall. Mr. Jefferson. Open the ranks for inspection. Yes, sir. On command. First rank. Two steps forward. Hunch. Second rank. One step forward. Hunch. Fourth rank. One step backward. Hunch. Mr. Jefferson, company is ready for inspection. Very well, Mr. Kendall. Join the inspection party. Yes, sir. They will just make general notes as we go along. Yes, sir. General appearance of dress uniforms is not good. Rule on haircuts must be strictly enforced. Rank. Looks like your chest is falling down to your abdominal area. Oh, well. I mean, Mr. Jefferson. Never mind. I'll discuss it with you later. Heavy, what in the name of common sense are you doing trying to eat yourself to death? No, sir. But I do get hungry. That's self-evident. I'll talk to you later on, too. Now, there are just two things I want to say after finishing the inspection. Number one, the 25-man picked for the Honor Guard will be chosen according to seniority. And then according to fitness and appearance. Number two, having you stand at attention and in ranks has made a startling revelation. A lot of you are getting fat. Some of you are fat and several are fatter. Beginning with your next meal, every man who is overweight will put himself on a diet of 1,500 calories and do calisthenics to trim himself up. This is an order. Mr. Kendall, dismiss the company. Yes, sir. Company dismissed. Well, as I must be slipping in my old age. What do you mean, Bill? He's referring to the stout ladies, Grey Wolf. Maybe you're plenty rough on them. Maybe too rough. It's liable to get a lot rougher. Let's call this operation calorie. Heavy, what's the matter? Why such a rye face? Is this an excuse for a meal my supper? Yes, dear. This is your portion of the 1,500 calories for the day. Oh, I'll starve to death. You will not. The first two weeks are the hardest until your stomach gets used to less being shoveled into it. I've got news for you. What news, Heavy? My stomach will never get used to these bird-sized meals. Why don't you stretch out an easy chair like you usually do? I haven't got the strength to go from the table to my easy chair. You're silly. You just finished your supper. My what? Your supper. Is that what you call that pigeon fair you serve me? Yes, that is what I call the food you ate. And you needn't try sneaking food on the side because there isn't any prepared. No pie? No pie. No cake? No cake. No homemade bread or roll? No homemade bread or rolls? No homemade bread or rolls. No food? No. I think I'll just go and bury myself now while I've still got the strength to walk to my grave. Heavy, Heavy, wake up. There's someone prowling around in the house. That man sleeps like a rock. Heavy, will you... He's not here. So, now I know who the prowler is and I'll fix him good. Where's a rifle he keeps on the wall? Aha, here it is. Please, mister. I've got a rifle and I can use it. Hannah, for the love of Mike, it's me, Heavy. Don't shoot, it's me. Aha, caught red-handed you food robber. Please, Hannah, please. I've got to have some food. My stomach's complaining something fierce. It's calling me a cheapskate, a tight-wad, a penny pincher. Here, you puny little thing. Unload this rifle before it goes off and hurts someone. I'll fix something for your aching stomach. Oh, thank you, kind lady. She couldn't shoot much with an empty rifle, Hannah. What? Oh, yes, now I remember. Never leave a loaded gun around. Always keep it empty, just like I keep the refrigerator. Yeah, so I noticed. What are you going to fix for my aching stomach? A nice bowl full of lettuce. Lettuce? Lettuce? Now, what's wrong with lettuce? Nothing. Nothing at all, if you're a rabbit. Stop looking at your horse like you're measuring in for the stew pot! You guys think it's funny, but you ain't starving to death. Heavy, I know you're suffering, but you've won half the battle, the roughest part. What a comfort that is. Hannah, cook balance diet, doesn't she? I'll say it's balanced. I could balance the whole meal on the tip of my tongue and not even feeling it. You'll be all right. Remember now, it's between you and Frank. You two men have a tie for seniority for 25th man on the honor guard. Say, hey Bill, do you think this saddle would taste all right if I cook it long enough? Didn't you hear what I just said about you and Frank? All I can hear is my stomach crying, I'll feed me, feed me. I'll check back the end of the two-week period and find out how you're doing. If you don't find me, start looking for a poor, emaciated creature, a fellow so wasted from starvation, he's got to stand up twice to see his own shadow. What are you doing all right? It's Frank. Come on, it looks like he's hurt. Frank, what's wrong? You hurt bad. Food, please give me some food. Why you faker. Giving us the business. Well, you can't blame a fellow for trying. I hope I made my point. Hello, Peg. Hello Bill, fellas. Peg, I didn't know you were home. I know you didn't know you big faker. I saw and heard the whole thing. You watched the fellas come up the trail with your glasses and then pulled off this, this... Shameful act! That's right, this shameful act, thank you. Pleasure, ma'am. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get everyone riled up, but... But what? But I'm so hungry, that's what. I know it's pretty rough for Frank and Heavy, but after a while they'll be glad I was rough on them. Bill, Peg and I are afraid our husbands are just about at the end of their willpower ropes. You really think so, Hannah? Or are they just trying to arouse your sympathies so you let them cheat a little bit? No, Bill, they're really getting desperate now. I'm afraid that even being in the honor guard doesn't mean much anymore. I'm sure sorry to hear that. So are we, because we all know that losing weight is much healthier for them, and they will live longer. And Frank looks so fine now that he's trimmed down. His uniforms fit him so well without that beltline bulge. Land's safe. Heavy's becoming his old handsome self again, and I want him to get back to the healthy weight he should be in and stay there. I'd like us to grow old together. Sure you would. It's really my fault too. I should have cracked down on all my rangers who were overweight a long time ago. Let me see if I can give them more incentives. Oh, Bill, it would be so wonderful if you could. We'd be very grateful if you could help them to finish the good job they've started. Tell them I'd like to see them together here at my office in the morning. We'll see if we can't make this operation calorie a permanent thing. Bill, we know why you called us in, but before you speak your mind, we want to say something. Okay, go right ahead, Joe. We're sick and tired of this dieting and exercising. We don't give a hoot about your honor guard. Right. We're leaving here and going into town having us a real man-sized meal. And every meal from now on is going to be man-sized. You said it, Frank. Well, say something, will you, Bill? Caesar's ghost. Don't just sit there and look at us like that. Ball us out. Throw us out of the service. Anything but say something. We know we're not fit to be rangers anymore. We're resigned to that. We know we're slaves to overeating and we haven't any willpower. But, Bill, we've had this bad habit so long we can't give it up. Man, in this envelope delivered to me this morning by a special courier are all the details of the VIP inspection. What I didn't know before is that the VIPs are bringing their wives with them. So they're bringing their wives? What's that got to do with us? The VIP's wives will have to be entertained. And I'm going to ask the rangers' wives to do the entertaining. Now, what kind of an impression will be made when your wives introduce their large-sized husbands to the VIPs and their wives at the special dinner? Special dinner? Dinner. Yes, special dinner. And as a reward to you and your wives, I was going to ask Peg and Hannah to be co-hostesses of the special dinner, which I think would mean an awful lot to them, especially since you men are stationed at the perimeter outposts of this command. Your courageous and fine wives don't see much of civilization in a year's time. This would give them something important to look forward to and back at for years to come. Now, you two gentlemen have just blown my plans to bits. I'm sorry for your wife's sakes and for your sakes. Ah, boy, Peg would really go for that all right. She could get herself a new dress and everything. Yeah, yeah, it would mean the world to them all right. Well, I'm sorry, fellas, that this didn't work out. You may return to your posts. Bill, only one of us can be the 25th man on the Honor Guard, can he? The suggested number is 25, yes. Thanks. Come on, Frank. Yes. Oh, just one more thing. Yes, sir? Full dress rehearsal will be held two weeks from today with marching band and the works. Good day, gentlemen. One, one, all. Oh, Bill, how can you do it? You've been up here a week dieting with us and exercising. I feel good now after working out. Man, it's in when we don't get any food. That's when a big letdown comes. Yeah, me too, likewise. You have to work out. I guess it's the famous I could scream. Well, fellas, when that occurs, try these. There's a can of them for each of you. Thanks. Hey, this sounds pretty good. High protein and energy tablets. Yeah, why didn't you give us them before? Because they're not a substitute for willpower. These tablets are used by athletes for rebuilding spent energy safely and safely. Now, do you think you can make the grade by yourselves? Yeah, sure. But there's still the old question, which one of us will be chosen? Right. The one who isn't has gone through all this for nothing. You just look at yourself in the mirror and see if it's been for nothing. And let me worry about the 25th man. Proceed with the breast rehearsal, Mr. Kendall. Yes, sir. Then, sound off. Ladies, you have in the handkerchief, I'll lend you mine. Oh, wonderful. So straight, slim, athletic. It's your day. Those are our men, Peg. The rangers' flight should be with pride and joy. Look at those handsome men. So trimming. They're so manly. Phil, you still haven't picked the 25th man. I will in just a few minutes. That was very fine. Very fine indeed. You won nothing but praise from your wives. Their critical and loving eyes have given full approval. And now for the important announcements you've been waiting for. First, this dress parade is not exercise, but for the simple fact that every man in my command will appear in this company formation before the VIPs. No one will be left out. Now for the 25th man. As you all very well know, there's been some tremendous effort made by two men to gain the honor of being chosen the 25th man of the Honor Guard. These two men have earned the respect and appreciation of everyone here today. It would hardly be fair to choose one and not the other. Therefore the Honor Guard will have two 25th men. I see Frank, but who's that skinny fellow with him? Henry, I hope you can always call me skinny. Bill, thanks a million. It was worth it. I'll say it was. By the way, where are you going to be while all the rangers and their wives take part in showing off our district? You're right out there in front. You've got to be, Bill. You're a top man. We want them to see the best boss ranger in the country. Thanks, fellas, but don't you worry about me. I'll be there somewhere just being proud as a peacock, especially of my 25th man, both of them. That's our story for today, boys and girls. See you next week for more adventure with... Ranger Bill came to you transcribed from the Moody Bible Institute of Chicago. This has been a presentation from our Moody Broadcasting Network Archives. Please join us again for another classic right here.