 J.C.K.F.F.O.O. The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly Don Wilson. The Orchestra opens the program with Billy. Here is some helpful advice for every woman who likes to keep her family in good spirits. Give them Jell-O for dessert not just once in a while but often. For one of the grandest things about Jell-O is the wide variety of ways in which you can serve it. There are six lovely glowing colors to add real beauty to your menus, six rich, delicious flavors to tempt every appetite and there's almost no limit to the different Jell-O dishes which you can prepare, dozens and dozens of desserts and salads, easy to make, attractive to look at, swell the taste. You'll find definite recipe suggestions on every package of Jell-O. Just be sure you get genuine Jell-O and don't accept any substitutes. For there's only one Jell-O and only Jell-O brings you that delicious, extra-rich flavor. So look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O and Jell-O spells a treat. Bye, Phil Harrison, his orchestra. Now, ladies and gentlemen, this being the first Sunday in November, we bring you the last rose of summer, Jack Benny. Thank you, Jell-O again. This is Jack Benny talking and Don, I've heard you give me some pretty silly introductions in the past, but that one takes the cake. Last rose of summer. What does that mean anyway? Well, it doesn't mean anything. I was just trying to be clever, that's all. Don, you just make with the Jell-O. I'll take care of the clever stuff around here. Anyway, I don't want to start out every broadcast talking about me. Me all the time. It's embarrassing. It's a little dull, too. Oh, it is. Well, Phil, let me ask you something. Now that you've established your presence among us, is this the program getting a little too monotonous for you? Well, it's not exactly... I mean, do you find me personally so incompatible? Incom-what? Incompatible. Would you mind cutting that down where I can get at it? Not at all. What I'm trying to get at, Phil, is this. Do I bore you? I mean, do I grate on your nerves? No, not exactly. Why? Because, Phil, there's an old Chinese proverb that says, when orchestra leader unhappy over job, him soon clap hands with joy in bread line. Welly, good advice. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Wanlong. Is my laundry ready? Never mind that. You know, Mary, I don't know why I even argue with Phil. I use an ordinary word like incompatible and it throws him. He's absolutely illiterate. Well, it's your own fault, Jack. You knew he couldn't read when you hired him. What do you mean? You had to drop his contract with pictures. Oh, that's right. I remember. I had to get a lawyer and Rube Goldberg. Say, Mary, did you see Dennis Day when you came in? I told him to be here early tonight. Yeah, I saw him downstairs in the drug store and I got some good news for you, Jack. I don't think his mother's with him. How do you know? He was on his third banana split. Oh, I knew he'd go on a spree the minute he got away from her. Three banana splits, eh? And a mauled milk. Three banana splits and a mauled milk. With an egg in it. With an egg in it. And a hamburger sandwich. A hamburger sandwich. With onions. With onions. Little Sir Echo, shut up, shut up. I will if you will. Mary, you must be mistaken. Dennis couldn't possibly eat all that stuff and three banana splits. With cherries. Well, here we go again, Mary. Now look, Mary, run out and get Dennis. We have an important play to do tonight and I want to start casting it right away. He'll be here in a minute. Oh, Jack, is this the play you were telling me about? Yes, Don, and we've got to get going on it. In fact, I'm going to announce it right away. Hey, Phil, give me a cordon G, will ya? You'll take a cordon any place we happen to hit it. That I know. The cord, please. And now, ladies and gentlemen. Boys, that was grand. And now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight for our supreme effort in our current dramatic season, we are going to offer our version of one of the most famous stage and screen productions of all time. None other than that sensational play and equally sensational motion picture, The Women. Uh, thank you, Max. Now, this play was written by that renowned playwright, Miss Claire Boo, and was first produced in New York City by Max Gordon, who just hit the cymbal. Then... Then Metro-Goldwyn Mayer, realizing its dramatic and comedy potentialities. Potentialities? Yes, Phil, I'll cut it down for ya later. Brought this great vehicle to Hollywood and created an outstanding film success. So tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the many theatrical termites will munch on it. Now, in our version... Hey, Jack, how are we going to do The Women when I'm the only girl in our show? We'll just have to do the best we can, Mary. You mean we're all going to be women tonight? Exactly. Well, not exactly. But I've got it all... But I've got it all figured out. Now, to start with, I will play the leading role as portrayed on the screen by that lovely and talented actress, Miss Norma Shearer. Oh, no, Jackson, no! Well, Mary, somebody's got to do it. Why can't I be the leading lady? What? I look more like Norma Shearer than you do. Isn't that awful? You look more like Norma Shearer than I do. Yes, I do. In an evening gown? Don't be ridiculous. Phil, you're going to be Rosalind Russell. Don, you're going to be Joan Crawford. And Mary... I know, I'm going to be Wallace Beary. Mary, would you please be serious? Since all the rest of you are going to be women tonight, you will have to be a man. Mary, you're going to be Don Wilson and announce our play. Now, let's see. Is Dennis here yet? Oh, Dennis! Yes, please? Oh, uh... Hello, Dennis, I didn't see you come in. You know, we're casting our play, The Women. Am I going to be in it? Yes, you're going to play Joan Fontaine's part. You know, the little girl that just got married. Boy, what a day. Three banana splits and now I'm a bride. Uh, yes, that's quite a schedule. Say, Jack, if you're going to play Norma's share's part, who's going to be your daughter? My daughter? Oh, yes. Dennis, I'll have to change your role. Instead of the young bride, you're going to be my five-year-old daughter, Denise. Five years old? Yes. And you're going to be his mother? Yes. What are you laughing at? You got a late start, didn't you, ma? Mary, I'd be quiet if I were you, lest the new maid company get an old employee. You know, reunion at Fairfax and Wilshill. Now, let's see. Oh, yes. Where's Rochester? Here I am, Miss Sheer. Rochester, I sent for you because we're short of actors and you'll have to play the part of my maid. Your maid? Yes. Why can't I be your valet? Because I don't want a man in my room and I'm dressing. So you're going to be my maid. Now, fellas. I ain't going to wear no dress. You are too. Now, fellas. I ain't going to put on no mascara. You are too. Now, fellas. It ain't going to show. Now, fellas, remember, we must be very legitimate. The only reason we're playing the part of women is because we're short of actresses. Well, why don't you hire a few? You know, Phil, women are so scarce in Hollywood. Mary, if you're inferring, I'm too cheap to hire actresses. Come right out and say so. All right. You're too cheap to hire actresses. Anyway, folks, our version of the women will go on immediately after Dennis Day's song. Oh, Jack. Yes, Don. Who's going to play Mary Bowlin's part? You know, the Countess Delage. I can't tell you, Don. I'm saving that for a surprise. Andy, now you've spoiled it. Go ahead and sing, Dennis. Nobody can keep a secret around here. When I touched your lips, I couldn't live. Sweetest kiss is one that lingers on. The dearest memory always lingers. It's sung by Dennis Day. And see, you did very well without your mother. You don't need her here at all. You know, Dennis, there are times when your mother is a pest. Be careful. She's listening in. That's what I say. Your mother needs a rest. She's entitled to it. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Gee, Jack, I could have sworn you said Dennis's mother was a pest. Well, I'm getting this front tooth fixed, Mary. It slurs my words. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our play, The Women, which we will present in two sacks, or two acts. Darn that front tooth. See what it does to me. All right, take it, Mary. You're the announcer. Wait a minute. Answer the phone, will you, Don? I'm busy. Okay, Jack. Hello? Hello, is this Grauman's Chinese Theater? What's that, Madam? Is this Grauman's Chinese Theater? Oh, yes, Madam. Jello does come in six delicious flavors. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. I did her. Yes, indeed. You must be sure to ask for genuine Jello and look for the big red letters on the box. Well, what time does the feature go on? You're welcome, Madam. Goodbye. Are you through, Don? Sure, go ahead. All right, Mary, announce our play. Okay. The Women. The opening scene is a fashionable park-admy residence of Mrs. J. Updike Benny. As the curtain rises, we find Mrs. Benny seated in her wood wall, talking to her 16-year-old daughter, Denise. Mary, I said Dennis is five years old. I'm making him 16. He just winked at me. Oh. The Women. Act one. Curtain. Music. Oh, Denise. Denise. Yes, Mumsy? Uh, we're having dinner alone, darling. Just you and I. Daddy's working late at the office. Oh, Mother, when are you going to wake up? When are you going to realize that men are only snakes in the grass? Denise, I will not have you talking that way about your father. But, gee, Mumsy, father hasn't been home to dinner in five years. Well, maybe... maybe he isn't hungry. I trust Updike implicitly. Oh, dear, it's getting late. Darling, hand me my foundation cream. I must get made up. Aren't you going to shave first? Denise, I'm not a bearded lady. Oh, Rochelle. Rochelle. Yes? What are you doing? I'm pressing your pants. Rochelle. Now, Rochelle, I want you to go down to the kitchen and tell the cook Mr. Benny won't be home to dinner tonight. That's a pretty long walk for so little news. Never mind. Mr. Benny is detained at the office. Don't tell me about men. I married eight of them. Well, Rochelle, wasn't there even one of them who was nice and sweet and kind to you? One you could trust. Mrs. Benny is one woman to another. Uh-uh. Well, I refuse to be cynical. There's the phone, Mumsy. Yes, I'll take it, dear. Darn this negligee. I'm always tripping over. They'll be so clumsy, Mumsy. I wonder who that can be. I hope it's your father, Denise. Has he got our phone number? Denise. Hello? Hello, Jacqueline. This is Phyllis. Oh, Phyllis, darling, how are you? When did you get back from Bermuda? Yesterday, my dear, I had a marvelous time. Did you really? How was the trip back, Phyllis? Oh, divine, and the captain was extreme. He chased me all over the boat. Oh, Phyllis, pardon me a minute. Rochelle, hook me up, please. I want to get dressed while I'm phoning. Okay, Mrs. Benny, inhale. Oh, Phyllis, do tell me more about your trip. Well, Jacqueline, who do you think I met on the boat honeymooning with a South American cattle man? You'll die. You'll just die. Who was it, Phyllis? Tell me. Donna Wilson. Donna Wilson? Is that tub still kicking around? My goodness. Tub, nothing. You should see her now. She's quite slim. Now, she might look that way when she's dressed, but if her stays ever snap, watch out. Tell me, Phyllis, ouch, Rochelle, be careful with those hooks. Okay, Mrs. Benny, where do you want this bustle? Where do you think I want it? Phyllis, darling, I'm just dying to see you. Let's have lunch tomorrow at the Park Villa. Oh, Grant, shall we meet in the Rendezvous room? That's rendezvous, rendezvous room, and I think you went to bathroom. I'll tell you what, Phyllis, I'll call Donna and we'll have a little get-together. All right, darling, see you tomorrow. Bye-bye, dear. Bye-bye. Oh, by the way, Jacqueline, I almost forgot to ask you, how is Updike? Updike. Here they go, folks. Updike's just fine, darling. He's been very, very busy at the office, poor boy. I saw him at the Silver Slipper last night. He was pretty busy there, too. The Silver Slipper? Are you sure, Phyllis? Why, yes. I hope I haven't shocked you, dear. I thought you knew. Oh, I'm sure you must be mistaken. Well, my dear, see you tomorrow at the Park Villa for lunch. Yes, goodbye, darling. You poor thing. The hussy. I could scratch her eyes out. What's the matter, mother? Nothing, darling. You run along and have your dinner. I don't feel like eating tonight. Why? Never mind. Now, come over here and kiss mother. Good night. Good night, darling. Good night, mother. Who are those cigars? I've been putting up with that for years. Phyllis, the cat, the hussy. Why did she have to tell me? Oh, Updike. Updike, how can you do this to me? You said you'd love me in December as you would in May. And here it is, November. I know I'm not pretty anymore, Updike, but I've given you the best years of my life. Oh, come now, honey. Don't cry. I can't help it, Rochelle. I told you men are no good, none of them. But what'll I do, Rochelle? This is so humiliating. What'll I do? Honey, take this razor. Find that man and make way for tomorrow. The man-bake will go on immediately after the next number. Play, girls. The teacher played by Phyllis Harris and her redheads. Ladies and gentlemen, act two. The women. The scene is the rendezvous room of the Park Villa Hotel where we find Phyllis Harris and Donna Wilson, three charming ladies. Awaiting the arrival of Jacqueline Benny. The women. Curtain. Me. Music. Well, Donna, I just couldn't believe my eyes. Updike is sure giving her the run around. To me, Phyllis, Jacqueline's got just about as much appeal as a parsnip. Oh, she'd be all right if she just put her wig on straight. No fooling. Does Jacqueline wear a wig? Yes. Half the time, she looks like a French poodle. Quiet, Donna. Here she comes now. Oh, hello, girls. Phyllis. Donna. Jacqueline. Darling. And did you hear what happened after that? This wig. And to make it worse. Oh, it was simply awful. Now don't breathe the word of this to a soul. We won't. Oh, here, Jacqueline. Have a dish of jello. Thank you, darling. And Donna, I can't get over how thin you look. Why, you're nothing but skin and bones. And did you notice how my chins have gone down? Yes, down to your stomach. Oh, I was just pooping, Donna. Oh, girls, girls. Look. Look who's sitting at that table over there. Where? Oh, yes. And is she getting high hats since she's been on the radio? Who is it, Jacqueline? It's Frida Allen. Isn't she a sight? Get a load of that dress. You know, Frida Allen has the worst taste. She should never wear short sleeves with that anchor tattooed on her arm. And girls, you want to hear something else? Frida's going to the hospital tomorrow to have her face lifted. What, again? Yes. About every three months she has a landslide. Oh, look, girls. Look, here comes Andrea Devine. Andrea? I thought she was in Paris. Hello, Andrea. Hiya, Jacqueline. Andrea, darling. What are you doing here? I thought you were living abroad. I was, but I came back to marry a cowboy. A cowboy? How thrilling. What's his name, Andrea? I forget it, but it's on his guitar. Oh, are you very much in love, Andrea? Am I? Lamar, who's your Lamar? Well, by the way, Andrea, why did you divorce the Count? I'm just dying to know. Oh, Pierre was always so busy at the office. He was working night and day. Oh. Uh-huh, like guess who, eh, Jacqueline? Now, listen, Phyllis, I'll have none of your innuendo. Just because Updike happens to be working at the office a great deal, you don't need to jump at conclusions. He's a very good husband. Oh, stop trying to kid us. It's all over between you and Updike, and you know it. Phyllis Harris, you take that back or I'll scratch your eyes up. Girls, girls! You do, and I'll pull your hair out. I'll pull your hair out, too. I'll bet you act as more than Phil does. Phyllis, you say one more word about Updike, and I'll slap the rouge right off your face. And then will those bags show? It's no use, Jacqueline. You can't compete with them chorus girls. I can't, eh? Take that! Take that! And that! And that! Phyllis, Phyllis! Take that! And that! And that! Leah, Leah! Leah, Leah! Oh, my God, my God, my God! Miss PQ, Phyllis Harris, I'm going home, pay the cheque, Donna. Goodbye. Later that night we find the heartbroken Mrs. Benny and her woodwall packing for her trip to Reno. And she's not going for the scenery. Music! I'll show Updike. And I'll show Updike. Oh, no. That's not how I've seen it. Say it. Yeah. So I brought you up to Narrow, I'll show up guys. Can't treat me like that. He can't humiliate me in front of all my friends. Denise, hand me my hat box. Oh, Mumsie, why are you packing all your bags? Where are you going? I'm going to Reno. Reno? Yes. Gee, mother, don't you love father anymore? How can I love him when he won't come home? Oh, Denise, your mother's been a fool. A blind fool. For five years I haven't seen your father. Five long years. But mother dear. No use, Denise. I can't keep it from you any longer. Your father is a lout. Now let's hurry, dear. We'll miss the train. Who can that be? Come in. Mrs. Benny. Yes, what do you want? Don't you remember me? I'm your husband, Updike. Updike? Oh, I knew you'd return to me. I knew it. Oh, Updike, darling. Let go of me. I just came back. My long underwear. Oh, they're in the bottom drawer. Play, Phil. Come along, Denise. We're going to Reno. Every housewife knows that the best compliment her guests can pay her is to come back for second helpings. And that's the kind of compliment you get every time when you serve one of the new jello puddings for dessert. I'm thinking right now of jello butterscotch pudding. A handsome taffy colored dessert served up in shining sherbet glasses and sprinkled with a white curly blanket of shredded coconuts. Now there's a real pudding for you. It has a texture smooth as cream and that mellow distinctive flavor of old fashioned butterscotch candy the whole family will love. Jello chocolate pudding, too, has a rich luscious homemade goodness that just seems to hit the spot. And don't forget jello vanilla pudding, please. You'll find its delicate creamy flavor makes a hit with the whole family, especially when it has nuts, fruits or chopped dates mixed in to give it that final tempting touch. All three jello puddings are quick as a flash to make. So get acquainted with America's newest dessert sensation. The dessert the whole country is talking about jello puddings butterscotch chocolate and vanilla old fashioned favorites made a new fashioned way. This is the last number of the fifth program in the new jello series and we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. They marry as a member of the fair sex. What do you think of the way we fellas did the women tonight? I thought it's pretty good in you. Well, Jack, there's an old Chinese proverb that says Lumgao Ching Lung Chang Lu Toy. What does that mean? Oh, how I'd love to tell you. Good night, folks. Here's news. Every Tuesday night, the Aldrich family is on the air starring Ezra Stone as Henry Aldrich, that lovable hard luck kid. Consult your local newspaper or radio guide for time and stations and be sure to tune in on the Aldrich family next Tuesday night. This is the national broadcasting company.