 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribed the Phil Harris Alice Faye show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show, written by Ray Singer and Nick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music and yours truly, Bill Foreman. It has often been said that no one is indispensable. However, Phil Harris thought he was until his sponsor proved otherwise. But more about that later. First, a word from RCA Victor. Hey, Alice. You should have heard the trumpet player in the band describing his new 1953 RCA room air conditioner. It's the first time I've ever heard him make any sense with that hipster talk. What'd he say, Phil? Well, first he says, man, it's the coolest. Why, sure. The RCA room air conditioner cools the air, filters it and it removes excess moisture, too. What else, Phil? Oh, uh, he said it was really the most. Naturally. The new RCA room air conditioner is the most sensible way to really feel better when hot weather days are muggy and humid. And then he said, man, it's groovy. Oh, he was probably talking about the adjustable grill that distributes the air evenly throughout your room. Crazy, Alice. Crazy. That's right. People who got an RCA room air conditioner last year are just crazy about it. What's he saying now, Phil? Oh, oh, he just wanted to remind me to say that for finest installation and service, he got an RCA factory service contract, too. Thanks, Phil and Alice. I'd like to tell you briefly about another RCA product. Whether you're a bride or a food authority like Duncan Hines, you can banish Maine Humannotny with a new 1953 RCA estate range. Its greaseless hideaway griddle makes meals tastier and more healthful. Its barbecueer gives charcoal done goodness to meats and chicken, adds sparkle to the simplest manual. See RCA estate, gas or electric, the range that grills, bakes, barbecues. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Last Friday, Phil and his band left to make a personal appearance at the automobile show in San Francisco. Phil almost didn't get away because of, but let's go back to Friday and see what happened. Hey, Elliot, tonight we leave for little old San Francisco. Yeah? Well, have a wonderful time. Yeah. Hey, Curly, remember the first time you and I went to San Francisco alone? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were single at the time, Curly. I repeat. Yeah. Yeah. Ah, for the days of my unfettered youth. But don't get me wrong, a wife is a wonderful thing to have if you're a married man. Now, but I wish Alice were going along because truthfully I'm going to miss her. It's going to break my heart to be away from my little bride for ten whole days. And I know I'm going to be miserable all day and just probably cry myself to sleep every night. Well, why don't you take Alice along? Because I like to suffer and shut up. Don't misunderstand me, Elliot. Hey, Curly, I hope we'll have as good a time as the last time we played at San Francisco. You remember that trip? Fately. I remember that farewell party they threw force before the plane took off. Oh, that party was a gin gin dandy. No, you mean a gin gin dandy. Don't tell me what I had. You know, Curly, that was the first time I ever flew. How high are we flying? 14,000 feet. No, that was a plane. We were a little higher. I think we were at 16,000. I believe you're right. You know, as I recall, we landed two hours after the plane. Now, look, Elliot, no cracks to Alice about some of our all night poker games that we're going to have up there, you know. Well, Phil, I got your bags all packed. I hope you have a good time in San Francisco while I sit at home and twiddle my thumbs. Aren't you even going to ask me to come to San Francisco with you? Well, before I do, what will your answer be if I do? Why don't you ask me to go along and find out? Careful how you word this, Curly. I think I got it. Alice, how would you like to fly to San Francisco through a blinding blizzard and land just in time for the earthquake season? Or we could drive up in my car, the one without any brakes. Or there's a runaway freight train going through Glendale at six o'clock. Or... All right, all right. I can take a hint. Phil, somehow I get the impression that you don't want me to go along. That's a lovely impression. Hang on to it, Curly. Ah, no, honey. We're only kidding. If you really want to go to San Francisco, all you have to do is say you want to go to San Francisco and you can go as soon as I get back. You can stop worrying, Phil. I just wanted you to ask me. I can't possibly go up there with you anyway. You can't? Why not? Well, because we have the children to consider and somebody has to stay here and do our radio program on Sunday. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. The show. Do you think you'll be able to do it alone there? Well, I think I can. I rewrote the opening. We'll start the show with a fanfare and then Bill Forman, the announcer, says, For your enjoyment, here is the Alice Face Show without Phil Harris. After that, I'll do a song and then your replacement comes out and we do a comedy scene together. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What replacement? Well, you're going to be gone, dear, so I figured I have to have another comedian to work with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Yeah, what comedian are you planning on getting? Tyrone Power. Oh, a very funny man. Oh, great baggy pants comic. Oh, he'll really yuck it up. He just... Yes, I thought he just... Get down, Myrtle, down. Comic scenes? Oh, what a pity. I guess we'll just have to do a love scene. You ain't going to have to do nothing and you ain't getting no replacement for me. But Phil, what are we going to do on the show Sunday? We've got it all figured out. Now, before I leave, I'll record six songs and you can introduce them on the show. And don't talk too much between songs, it'll disturb the mood. When are you going to record them, Curly? I'm going to start right now. But Phil, you can't record now, your band isn't here. Don't worry, as soon as I start singing, they'll come out of the woodwork. And here they come now. I want some high-monic grits And some red sugar-cured ham Just give me a great big bowl of cream gravy And I'll be such a happy man If I can see Magnolia's Blossom And a Zellia's in bloom Just beat me up to that table And give me lots of elbow room I want some Mammy-fried whole cake And some good old black-eyed peas And me have a hay-rack full of hot biscuits And make my coffee black, if you please Cause if you beat me, I'll addix it In that style so grand You're gonna have yourself a happy man Saga molasses You're gonna have yourself a ham-homony grits And give me some of that Tennessee Hick-free-cured ham Then I want an iron skillet full of that red-eye gravy And wow, you've got yourself a happy man If I can smell Magnolia's Blossom And a Zellia's in bloom Oh, lead me up to that table And give me lots of elbow room I want some Mammy-fried whole cake And some good old black-eyed peas Then give me a hay-rack full of hot biscuits And make that chive a black, if you please Now if you beat me, I'll addix it In that style so grand You're gonna have yourself a happy man Hog-bone and honey You're gonna have yourself a hash-puppy-papa You're gonna have... Yeah, that's what I thought. Hey, in fact, I won't bother recording five other songs for next Sunday. Alice, just play this one six times. Hey, there's the doorbell. I wonder who that is. Well, maybe the sponsor. I forgot to tell you, Phil. He called this morning and said he was coming over to see you about something important. The sponsor? Well, Alice, why didn't you tell me he was coming? I'm such a mess. I hate to have him see me in these rag-curlers in this old kimono. What can I say to him? Don't say anything. Maybe he'll think you're Shirley Booth and come back little sheeba. You better not keep the sponsor waiting. All right, I'll open the door. Oh, I'm just being self-conscious. Mr. Scott won't notice anything. Hello? Well, Mrs. Harris is your husband at home. Well, thank you for the compliment, but I'm not Mrs. Harris. Just as pretty, but I'm not her. Don't let this kimono fool you, buddy. I got it as a gift from a gisha girl. Who are you, anyway? I'm Mr. Clark of RCA Victor. Oh, well, I'm sorry, sir, come in. See, I was expecting Mr. Scott. Where is he? Well, he was committed to a sanitarium, a very sad case. Oh, well, that's terrible. When did it happen? Who sent him there? The company did when he picked up your option. Oh, dig that crazy sponsor. Hey, Mr. Clark, you got a great sense of humor. Mr. Scott is just away for a rest. Pressure of business, you know. Well, I'm glad to hear it's nothing serious. By the way, I want you to meet my wife, Alice. Honey, this is Mr. Clark, the sponsor's representative. I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Clark. Where's Mr. Scott? Oh, he's on a sabbatical at the Happy Academy. He finally flipped his lid, huh? That's a shame to think that this should happen to such a nice old screwball. Elliot. Mr. Scott is not a screwball. He just went away for a rest, that's all. Hey, by the way, Mr. Clark, I want you to meet Elliot Lewis. Oh, so you're Mr. Lewis, and Mr. Scott told me all about you. He did? Yes, and you know something? You look it. I don't like him. Never mind who you like. Mr. Clark, Alice told me you called and wanted to see me. What's on your mind? Well, Harris, I understand you're going up to San Francisco to the automobile show. I want to know who you're getting to replace you while you're gone. Oh, Mr. Clark, you don't need no replacement. I have a wonderful idea for the show. You see, I recorded six songs, and you can play them all on Sunday. You mean you made six records, and on Sunday we play them, and the public will hear nothing but you singing for a whole half hour? That's right. What do you think of the idea? Drop dead. Just a minute. What's wrong with the public hearing my voice for a half hour? Now, don't get me wrong. Harris, I like your voice, but will not for a half hour. And according to your contract, anytime you're off the show, you must find a replacement who has as much talent as you. That ain't fair. You're asking me to do the impossible. Now, let's face it. I'm the greatest thing to hit radio since the static trap. Curly's right, Mr. Clark. I don't know anybody who has more talent than Phil Harris. And I can say that without fear of contradiction, because I don't know anybody. Are you being a little handy? No, I'm not. I'm just stating facts. I happen to be a great comic. I have a terrific voice, and I'm loaded with sex appeal. And if you insist on replacing me, there's only one way you can do it. How? You'll have to get Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, and Marilyn Monroe. And if you get Marilyn, you don't have to worry about the other two, because I ain't going no play. I don't think you can get Marilyn. Why not? I'm not going to let you. Why don't you want Marilyn? What's the matter? You jealous or something? Why should I be jealous of Marilyn? Well, she's in pictures. I was in pictures before she was. She's a big star. I was a star before she was. She's kind of young. I was young before. Phil Harris, you tricked me into that. Look, Harris, I want a big star to take your place on the show while you're gone. But, Mr. Clark, why do you have to have a big star? Because I want the show to be good. Why does it have to be good all of a sudden? Curly's right. He's been doing a lousy show for seven years. Elliot, that ain't what I mean. Mr. Clark, does it have to be a big star? Yes, it does. But I won't have time to get one. I'm leaving tonight. Then go out and hire one now. Yes, sir. And have him down at the NBC studio at four o'clock. I want to see him before I give my okay. Yes, sir. I don't want any more trouble from you. Goodbye. Not just a minute, Baldi. You've gone too far. I don't have to take this kind of talk from you. Curly's gone. After all, I'm a big man and nobody can talk to me that away. I got a good mind to punch you right in the nose. Curly. Look at him turn pale. Look at him break. Curly. What do you want? He's gone. I'll punch him anyway. I said he's gone. Oh, I guess I scared him off. I'm sorry I lost my temper. I hope I wasn't too rough on him. At what point in my tirade did he leave? Just after you said yes, sir. I'm not going to have to get somebody. I'm not going to have any good looking young comic on the show while I'm gone. I'll get some broken down character to work with you. Anybody home? I've brought the groceries. Just leave them on the table, Julius. Now just a minute, Phil. I'm not going to stand for this. I refuse to be stuck with a homely old man who can't sing a note and has absolutely no talent. I don't blame you, sir. When are you going to divorce old Cottonmouth? Julius, I'm not talking about Mr. Harris. I am. All right, kid. Be quiet. We're trying to think of somebody to replace me. You see, I'm not going to be on my radio show next Sunday. Why not? Going to San Francisco? You see, they've asked me to appear at the Otto Show. What are you going to appear at? A Model T or an Old Essex? I have an idea for a replacement. Why don't you get somebody who can imitate you, somebody who can sing like you? That would satisfy the sponsor. Yeah, and that way I couldn't get hurt either. But where can I find somebody who sounds like me? Get an old cow, build a fire under her, and you got it. She on the show. I do a wonderful imitation of you. You imitate me? Sure, I'll show you. She's pointing the... Is it another civil war? He's got all your actions down pat. Maybe so, but he don't sound nothing like me. Oh, what's the use? We ain't going to find nobody who can sing like me. I don't know why the sponsor doesn't just play my records. Look, Curly, you forget your records. The sponsor doesn't want them. Curly, I got an idea. Did you ever see them record acts? What do you mean? Well, you know, where they play the record of some star and somebody else mouths it, makes believe he's singing it? Yeah. You mean for the audition today, we play one of my records offstage and Julius makes believe he's singing it onstage and I tell the sponsor that the kid sings it just like me and... I didn't leave out anything, did I? No, the plot's set. I think the idea's great. I think it's sensational. I think it stinks. Look, Julius, if I gave you $20, what would you think? The aroma is starting to improve. Could you pipe humor up a little more? I'll make it $30. Make it $40 and I couldn't tell it from Taboo. I'll make it $40. Look, we'd better get to the studio before Mr. Clark gets there so we can set this whole thing up. Well, you can't do this to the sponsor. Well, I can try. Please, honey, I'll take care of this. You stay here and sing. You'll find the band and the woodwork where I left them. I hear singing and there's no one there. I smelled blossoms and the trees are bare. All day long I seem to walk on air. I wonder why. I wonder why. I keep tossing in my sleep at night. And what's more, I've lost my appetite. Stars that used to twinkle in the skies are twinkling in my eyes. I wonder why. Don't need analyzing. I don't? It is not so surprising that you feel very strange but nice. Thank you. Your heart goes pitter-patter. We know just what's the matter. You do? Because we've been there once or twice. Oh, you're just saying that. Put your head on our shoulder. Love it. You need someone who's older. I do. Or up down with a velvet glove. So true. There is nothing you can take to relieve that pleasant ache. You're not sick, you're just in love. I hear singing and there's no one there. I smell blossoms and trees up there. All day long I seem to walk on air. I wonder why. I wonder why. I keep tossing in my sleep at night. And what's more, I've lost my appetite. There is nothing you can take to relieve that pleasant ache. You're not sick, you're just in love. We're just, we're just in love. I got my replacement for Sunday and here he is. Little Julius of Bruzile. How do you do? Hi, it's Clocky. Harris, come here a minute. What's he going to do on the show? Well, see, he's going to impersonate me and you want to know something? When this kid sings, he sounds just like me. Now, you just sit there in the front row and listen to this kid. He sounds so much like me, the audience won't even know that I'm not on the show. Go ahead, I'm ready. Okay. Elliot, get behind the curtain and put my record on. Julius, you stand in front of this mic and when the record's being played, you mouth the words just as if you were singing it. Okay. All right. If we're all ready, you ready? Okay. Now look, Julius, you take the downbeat from me. One, two. And then he'd roll, roll, roll. Right up that river, he would roll, roll, roll. A happy giver then, he'd kiss her now and then. She would tell him when and then he'd fool around and fool around. Roll, roll, roll. A little further, he would roll just he and flow. How do you like him, Mr. Clark? Very good. The boy does a splendid job. You know, I think he sings better than you do. Roll, roll, roll. Oh, he don't sound as good as me. I think I sound better. He'd kiss her now and then. What do you mean better? Nobody sings better than me. Let's leave it up to Mr. Clark. What do you think Mr. Clark? Well, I think that. Roll, roll, roll. A little further, he would roll just he and flow. Julius, come over here. Okay. Here, hold my oars, Mr. Harris. Roll, roll, roll. What's on your mind, Mac? Julius, how can you sing and talk at the same time? Easy, I got two heads. Come here, spare. Julius! Look, just stop talking and keep mouthing them words. Roll, roll, roll. A little further, he would roll just he and flow. What was that? Down for a moment. Mr. Clark, or would you rather hear something by Liberace? Oh, I got a great crew working for me. Go down tricks, Harris, trying to palm a record off on me. Just for that, I'm picking the guest star for Sunday. Well, if you insist, go ahead. But remember, in my contract, I got approval over who replaces me. Uh, I got a suggestion that might make everybody happy. Can I see you alone, Mr. Clark? Very well, excuse us a minute, Harris. Hey, Curly, I don't trust that kid. He's going to louse you up. How can he louse me up? If I don't like the star he suggests, I just want to prove it. Harris Julius had a wonderful suggestion, and I think you'll go for it. Would you object to our putting a team on in your place? That depends. Who are they? A couple of unknowns named Joseph Levitt and Dino Cressetti. Cressetti and Levitt? That sounds like a funeral parlor. Then you won't object to their replacing you. You'll sign this approval form? Well, let me have the form. How can I get hurt by a couple of guys with names like that? Corsetti and Levitt. Here's your form all signed. Now can I go to San Francisco? Go right ahead and don't worry about Sunday's show. Oh, one other thing. Joseph Levitt and Dino Cressetti are their real names. I don't think that would sound well on the air. Do you mind if we use their stage names? Well, maybe you'd better. What are their stage names? Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. Yeah, that's right. Michael! We'll be back in just a moment. You can play any speed record, 45, 33 and a third, or 78, automatically with RCA Victor's new three-speed Victrola attachment. The center is the secret. For 45 RPM records, there's an ingenious slip-on spindle that holds up to 14 records. The changing mechanism is inside this large spindle, so your 45 records change from the center, the simple, modern, automatic way. When you want to play records of other speeds, just slip this spindle off. For new playing ease with any record, any speed, automatically, buy RCA Victor's new Victrola three-speed attachment. It can play through any radio, phonograph, or TV set, and is priced surprisingly low. Visit your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. See how easy it is to enjoy this new automatic three-speed record player by RCA Victor. This is Phil again. That's right, folks, big thrill next week because our guests will be Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. And I got news for you. I'm going to be around to see that they don't break up the studio. And I hope you folks will be around to listen to us because this should be a doo-wah-diddy. Good night, everyone. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribed was Fred Clark. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. For 1953, RCA Victor brings you a great new line of television, 23 new models, and five ways finer. There's the new automatic magic monitor circuit system, for example, that screens out static automatically, a choice of 42 different combinations of cabinet styles and finishes. And yet prices for these advanced sets still start as low as $199.95. Another reason why every year more people buy RCA Victor than any other television.