 CHAPTER II When at last they reached Balone and went on board the packet, Coxeter's ill-homer vanished. It was cold, raw, and foggy, and most of their fellow-passengers at once hurried below. But Mrs. Archdale decided to stay on the upper deck. This pleased her companion, now at last he would have her to himself. In his precise and formal way he went to a good deal of trouble to make Nan comfortable. When she, so accustomed to take thought for others, stood aside and watched him find a sheltered corner, secure with some difficulty a deck chair, and then defend it with grim determination against two or three people who tried to lay hands upon it. At last he beckon to her to sit down. "'Where's your rug?' he asked. She answered meekly. "'I haven't brought one.' He put his own rug, large, light, warm, the best money could buy. And in the pleasure it gave him to wait on her thus he did not utter aloud the reproof which had been on his lips, but she saw him shake his head over a more unaccountable omission. On the journey she had somehow lost her gloves. He took his own off, and with a touch of masterfulness made her put them on, himself fastening the big bone buttons over each of her small childish wrists. But his manner while he did all these things, he would have scorned himself had it been otherwise, was impersonal, business-like. There are men whose every gesture in connection with a woman becomes an instinctive caress. Such men, as every woman learns in time, are not good stayers, but they make the time go by very quickly, some time. With Coxeter every minute lasted sixty seconds, but Nan Archdale found herself looking at him with unwanted kindliness. At last she said, a little tremulously, and with a wandering tone in her voice, You're very kind to me, Mr. Coxeter. Those who spend their lives in speeding others on their way are generally allowed to trudge along alone, so at least this woman had found it to be. Coxeter made no answer to her words, perhaps he did not hear them. Even in the few minutes which had elapsed since they came on board the fog had deepened. The shadowy figures moving about the deck only took substance when they stepped onto the circle of brightness cast by a swinging globe of light which hung just above Nan Archdale's head. Coxeter moved forward and took up his place in front of the deck chair, protecting its occupant from the jostling of the crowd. For the sheltered place he had found stood but a little way back from the passage between the land gangway and the iron staircase leading to the lower deck. There were more passengers that night than usual. They passed a seemingly endless procession, moving slowly out of the darkness into the circle of light and then into the white engulfing mist. At last the deck became clear of moving figures. The cold raw fog had driven almost everyone below. But Coxeter felt curiously content, rather absurdly happy. This was to him a great adventure. He took out his watch. If the boat started to time they would be off in another five minutes. He told himself that this was turning out a very pleasant journey. As a rule when crossing the channel one meets tiresome people one knows and they insist on talking to one. And then, just as he was thinking this, they suddenly surged forward out of the foggy mist two people, a newly married couple named Rendell with whom both he and Mrs. Archdale were acquainted, at whose wedding, indeed, they had both been present some six or seven weeks ago. So absorbed in earnest talk with one another with a bride and bridegroom that they did not seem to see where they were going. But when close to Mrs. Archdale they stopped short and turned towards one another, still talking so eagerly as to be quite oblivious of possible eavesdroppers. John Coxeter, standing back in the shadow, felt a sudden gust of envious pain. They were evidently on their way home from their honeymoon, these happy young people, blessed with good looks, money, health, and love. Their marriage had been the outcome of quite a pretty romance. But stay, what was this they were saying? Both he and Nan unwillingly heard the quick interchange of words, the wife's shrill, angry utterances, the husband's good-humoured expostulations. I won't stay on in the boat, Bob. I don't see why we should risk our lives in order that you may be back in town tomorrow. I know it's not safe. My great-uncle, the Admiral, always said that the worst storm at sea was not as bad as quite a small fog. Then the gruff answer, My dear child, don't be a fool. The boat wouldn't start if there was the slightest danger. You heard what that man told us. The fog was much worse this morning, and the boat was only an hour late. Well, you can do as you like, but I won't cross tonight. Why is the use of taking any risk? Mother's uncle, the Admiral. And Cuxeter heard, with shocked approval, the man's, Damn you, great-uncle, the Admiral. There they stood, not more than three yards off, the pretty angry little spitfire looking up at her indignant, helpless husband. Cuxeter, if disgusted, was amused. There was also the comfort of knowing that they would certainly pretend not to see him, even if by chance they recognise him, intent as they were on their absurd difference. I shall go back and spend the night at the station hotel. No, you needn't trouble to find Stopton for me. There's no time. Cuxeter and Nan heard the laughing jive. Then you don't mind your poor maid being drowned as well as your poor husband. But the bride went on as if he hadn't spoken. I've quite enough money with me, you wouldn't even give me anything. Goodbye." She disappeared into the fog in the direction of the gangway, and Cuxeter moved hastily to one side. He wished to save Bob Rendell the annoyance of recognising him, but then, with amazing suddenness, something happened which made Cuxeter realise that after all women were even more inexplicable, unreasonable beings than even he had always known them to be. There came the quick patter of feet over the damp deck, and Mrs. Rendell was back again, close to where her husband was standing. I've made up my mind to stay on the boat. She said quietly, I think you were very unwise, as well as very obstinate to cross in this fog, but if you won't give way, then I'd rather be with you and share the danger. Bob Rendell laughed, not very kindly, and together they went across to the stair leading below. Cuxeter opened his mouth to speak, then he closed it again. What a scene! What a commentary on married life! And these two people were supposed to be in love with one another. The little episode had shocked him, jarred his contentment. If you don't mind, I'll go and smoke a pipe," he said stiffly. Mrs. Archdale looked up. Oh yes, please do. And yet she felt suddenly bereft of something warm, enveloping, kindly. The words formed themselves on her lips, don't go too far away, but she did not speak them aloud. But, as if in answer to her unspoken request, Cuxeter called out, I'm just here, close by, if you want anything, and the commonplace words gave her a curious feeling of security, a feeling though she herself was unaware of it, which her own care and tenderness for others often afforded to those round whom she threw the sheltering mantle of her kindness. Perhaps because he was so near, John Cuxeter remained in her thoughts. Almost alone of those human beings with whom life brought her in contact, he made no demand on her sympathy, and very little on her time. In fact, his first offer of marriage had taken her so much by surprise as to strike her as slightly absurd. She had also felt it at the time to be an offence, for she had given him no right to encroach on the inner shrine of her being. Trying to account for what he had done, she had supposed that John Cuxeter, being a man who evidently ordered his life according to some kind of system, had believed himself ripe for the honourable estate of marriage, and had chosen her as being suitable. When writing her cold letter of refusal, she had expected to hear within a few weeks of his engagement to some nice girl. But time had gone by, and nothing of the sort had happened. Cuxeter's second offer, conveyed, as had been the first in a formal letter, had found her in a very different mood, for it had followed very closely on that done by her of which he, John Cuxeter, had so greatly disapproved. She had been touched this second time, and not at all offended. And gradually they had become friends. It was after this second offer that Nan began making use of him, not so much for herself, as on behalf of other people. Nan Archdale led her life without reference to what those about her considered appropriate or desirable, and years had gone by since the boldest of busy body among them would have ventured a word of rebuke. Her social background was composed of happy, prosperous people. They had but little to do with her, however, save when by some amazing mischance things went wrong with them. When all went well they were apt to forget Nan Archdale. But John Cuxeter, though essentially one of them by birth and instinct, and though it had been through them that she had first met him, never forgot her. Yet though they had become, in a sense, intimate, he made on her none of those demands which endeared a man to a woman. Living up on a pleasant table land of self-approval he never touched the heights or depths which go to form the relief map of most human beings' lives. He always did his duty and generally enjoyed doing it, and he had no patience, only contempt, for those who shirked theirs. The passion of love, that greatest of the protein riddles set by nature to civilized men and woman, played no part or so Nan Archdale believed in John Cuxeter's life. At the time she had received the letter in which she had first asked her to marry him, there had come to her seen through the softening mists of time a sharp, poignant remembrance of Jim Archdale's offer. If you won't have me, Nan, I'll do something desperate. You'll be sorry then. So poor Jim Archdale had conquered her, and looking back when she recalled their brief married life, she forgot the selfishness and remembered only the love, the love which had made Jim so dependent on her presence and her sympathy. But if John Cuxeter were incapable of love, she now knew him to be a good friend and it was the friend, so she believed and was grateful to him for it, who had asked her to accept what he had quixotically supposed would be the shelter of his name when she had done that thing of which he had disapproved. Tonight Nan could not help wondering if he would ever again ask her to marry him. She thought not. She hoped not. She told herself quite seriously that he was one of those men who are far happier on wedded. His standard, not so much of feminine virtue as of feminine behavior, was too high. Take what had happened just now. She had listened indulgently, tenderly, to the quarrel of the newly married couple, but she had seen the effect it had produced on John Cuxeter. To him it had been a tragedy and an ugly, ignoble tragedy to boot. The deck was now clear of passengers. Out in the open sea the fog had become so thick as to be impenetrable, and the boat seemed to be groping its way, heralded by the mournful screaming of the siren. Mrs. Archdale felt drowsy. She leaned back and closed her eyes. Cuxeter was close by, puffing steadily at his pipe. She felt a pleasant sensation of security. She was roused, rather startled, by a man bending over her while a voice said graphely, I think, ma'am, that you'd better get into shelter. The deck's saloon is close by. Allow me to lead you to it." Nan rose obediently. With the petty officer on one side and Cuxeter on the other she made a slow progress across the deck, and so to the large, brilliantly lighted saloon. There the fog had been successfully shut out and some fifteen to twenty people sat on the velvet benches. Among them was the sweet-meat merchant to whom Nan had talked in the train. Cuxeter found a comfortable place for Nan rather apart from the others, and sitting down he began to talk to her. The foghorn, which was trumpeting more loudly, more insistently than ever, did not, he thought, interfere with their conversation as much as it might have done. We shan't be there till morning, Cuxeter heard a man say, till morning doth appear at this rate. I suppose we're all right, there's no real danger in a fog, not in the channel. There never has been an accident on the channel passage, not an accident of any serious kind. Yes there was. To one of the deep boats, a very bad accident. And then several of those present joined in the discussion. The man who had recalled the deep boat accident could be heard self-assertive, pragmatical. His voice raised above the voices around him. I've been all over the world in my time, and when I'm caught in a fog at sea I always get up, dress and go up on deck, however sleepy I may be. Cuxeter, sitting apart by Nan's side, listened with some amusement. His rather thin sense of humour was roused by the fact that the people around him were talking in so absurd a manner. This delay was not pleasant. It might even mean that he would be a few hours late at the treasury, a thing he had never once been after a holiday. For Cuxeter prided himself on his punctuality, in a little as well as the great things of life. But of course, all traffic in the channel would be delayed by this fog and his absence would be accounted for by the fact. Sitting there, close to Mrs. Archdale, with no one sufficiently near to attract her attention, or what was more likely to appeal to her for sympathy, he felt he could well afford to wait till the fog cleared off. As for the loud, insistent screaming of the siren, that sound which apparently got on the nerves of most of those present in the deck saloon, of course it was a disagreeable noise, but then they all knew it was a necessary precaution. So why make a fuss about it? Cuxeter turned and looked at his companion, and as he looked at her he felt a little possessive thrill of pride. Mrs. Archdale, alone among the people there, seemed content and at ease. She was now smiling, smiling very brightly and sweetly, and, following the direction of her eyes, he saw that they rested on a child laying asleep in its mother's arms. Perhaps after all it was a good thing that Nan was so detached from material things. Before that burst of foolish talk provoked by the fog he had been speaking to her about a matter very interesting to himself, something connected with his work, something, by the way, of which he would not have thought of speaking to any other woman. But then Mrs. Archdale, as Cuxeter had good reason to know, was exceptionally discreet. She had evidently been very much interested in all he had told her and he had enjoyed his conversation. Cuxeter became dimly conscious of what it would mean to him to have Nan to come back to when work, and the couple of hours he usually spent at his club, were over. Perhaps if Nan were waiting for him he would not wish to stay as long as two hours at his club, but then, of course, he would want Nan all to himself. Jealous? Certainly not. He was far too sensible a man to feel jealous, but he would expect his wife to put him first, a very long way in front of anybody else. It might be old-fashioned, but he was that sort of man. Cuxeter's thoughts leapt back into the present with disagreeable abruptness. Where Jewish fellow-traveller, the man who had thrust on Mrs. Archdale such unseemly confidences, had got up. He was now heading straight for the place where Mrs. Archdale was sitting. Cuxeter quickly decided that the fellow must not be allowed to bore Mrs. Archdale. She was in his coxeters, care to-night, and he alone had a right to her interest and attention. So he got up and walked down the saloon. To his surprise the other, on seeing him come near, stopped dead. I want to speak to you. He said in a low voice, Mr.—mmm—Coxeter. Cuxeter looked at him surprised, then reminded himself that his full name, John Cuxeter, was painted on his portmanteau. Also that Mrs. Archdale had called him Mr. Cuxeter at least once, when discussing that life-saving toy. Still, sharp observant fellows-Jews, one should always be on one's guard with them. Yes, he said interrogatively. Well, Mr. Cuxeter, I want to ask you to do me a little favour. The truth is, I've just made my will. Only a few lines, and I want you to be my second witness. I've no objection, none in the world to your seeing what I want you to witness. He spoke very deliberately, as if he had prepared the form of words in which he made his strange request, and as he spoke he held out a sheet of paper apparently torn out of a notebook. I asked that gentleman over there—he jerked his thumb over his shoulder—to be my first witness, and he kindly consented. I'd be much obliged if you'd sign your name just here. I'll also ask you to take charge of it. Only a small envelope, as you see. It's addressed to my mother. I've made her executor and residuary a legatee. Cuxeter felt a strong impulse to refuse. He never mixed himself up with other people's affairs. He always refused to do so on principle. The man standing opposite to him divined what was passing through his mind and broke in. Only just while we're on this boat, you can tear it up and chuck the pieces away once we're on land again. He spoke nervously, and with contemptuous amazement, Cuxeter told himself that the fellow was afraid. Surely you—surely you don't think there's any danger? He asked. Do you mean you've made this will because you think something may happen to the boat? The other nodded. Accidents do happen. He smiled rather foolishly, as he said the words, pronouncing the last one, as Cuxeter noted with disapproval, Haban. He was holding out a fountain pen. He had an ingratiating manner, and Cuxeter, to his own surprise, suddenly gave way. All right, he said, and taking the paper in his hand, he glanced over it. He had no desire to pry into any man's private affairs, but he wasn't going to sign anything without first reading it. This odd little will consisted of only two sentences written in a clear, clerically hand. The first bequeathed an annuity of two hundred and forty pounds, six thousand francs, to Leonie Lenoir of Rue Lafayette, Paris. The second appointed the testitor's mother, Mrs. Solomon Munich, of Scott Terrace, made a veil, residuary legatee and executor. The will was signed Victor Munich. Very well I'll sign it, said Cuxeter at last, and I'll take charge of it till we're on land, but look here, I won't keep it a moment longer. Then perhaps a little ashamed of his ungraciousness, I say, Mr. Munich, if I were you I'd go below and take a stiffish glass of brandy and water. I once had a fright, I was nearly run over by a brewer's tray at Charing Cross, and I did that, took some brandy, I mean. He jerked the words out, conscious that the other's cello face had reddened. Then he signed his name at the bottom of the sheet of paper and busied himself with putting the envelope carefully into his pocket. There, he said, with the slight supercilious smile which was his most marked physical peculiarity, but of which he was quite unconscious. Your will is quite safe now. If we meet at Folkstone, I'll hand it back to you. If we miss one another in the fog, I'll destroy it, as arranged. He turned and began walking back to where Nan Archdale was sitting. What a very odd thing! How extraordinary! How unexpected! Then a light broke in on him. Why, of course, it was Nan who had brought this about. She had touched up the Jew fellow's conscience, frightened him about that woman, the woman who had so absurdly termed him her Petit Aum Adore, that's what came of mixing up in other people's business, but Coxeter's eyes nevertheless rested on the sitting figure of his friend with a certain curious indulgence, odd sentimental, sensitive creatures women, but brave, not lacking in moral courage, anyway. As he came close up to her, Mrs. Archdale moved a little, making room for him to sit down by her. It was a graceful, welcoming gesture, and John Coxeter's pulse began to quicken. He told himself that this also was an extraordinary thing, this journey with the woman he had wished to make his wife. He felt her to be so tantalizingly near, and yet in a sense, so very far away, his eyes fell on her right hand, still encased in his large brown glove. As he had buttoned that glove he had touched her soft wrist, and a wild impulse had come to him to bend yet a little closer and press his lips to the white triangle of yielding flesh. Of course he had resisted the temptation, reminding himself sternly that it was a catish thing even to have thought of taking advantage of Nan's confiding friendliness, yet now he wondered whether he had been a fool not to do it. Other men did those things. There came a dragging, grating sound, the boat shuddering as if in response. Coxeter had the odd sensation that he was being gently but irresistibly pushed round, and yet he sat quite still, with nothing in the saloon changed in relation to himself. Men near him exclaimed in a matter-of-fact voice. We've struck, we're on a rock. Everyone stood up, and he saw an awful look of doubt of unease across the faces of the men and women about him. The fog-horn ceased trumpeting, and their rows confused sounds, loud hoarse shouts and thin shrill cries, accompanying the dull thunder caused by the tramping of feet. Then the lights went out, all but the yellow flame of a small oil lamp which none of them had known was there. The glass-paneled door opened widely, and a burly figure holding a torch which flared up in the still-moist air was outlined against the steamy waves of fog. Come out of here!" He cried. And then as some people tried to push past him, steady, keep cool, they'll be room the boats for every soul on board. And Coxeter, looking at the pale, glistening face, told himself that the man was lying and that he knew he lied. They stumbled out one by one and joined the great company which was now swarming over the upper deck, each man and woman forlorn and lonely, as human beings must ever be when individually face to face with death. Coxeter's right hand gripped firmly Mrs. Archdale's arm. She was pressing closely to his side, shrinking back from the rough crowd surging about them, and he was filled with a fierce protective tenderness which left no room in his mind for any thought of self. His one thought was how to preserve his companion from contact with some of those about them. Old eyed, already distraught creatures swayed with a terror which set them apart from the mass of quiet, apparently dazed people who stood patiently waiting to do what they were told. Close to Nan and Coxeter two men were talking Spanish. They were gesticulating and seemed to be disagreeing angrily as to what course to pursue. Presently one of them suddenly produced a long knife which glittered in the torch light. With it he made a gesture as if to show the other that he meant to cut his way through the crowd towards the spot, now railed off with rope barriers where the boats were being got ready for the water. With a quick movement, Coxeter unbuttoned his cloak and drew Nan within its folds. Putting his arms round her he held her, loosely and yet how firmly clasped to his breast. I can't help it. He muttered apologetically, forgive me. As only answer she seemed to draw yet closer to him, and then she lay still and silent within his sheltering arms. And at that moment he remembered to be glad he had not kissed her wrist. They too stood there, encompassed by a living wall and yet how strangely alone. The fog had become less dense, or else the resin torches which flared up all about them cleared the air. From the captain's bridge there whistled every quarter minute a high rocket, and soon from behind the wall of fog came an answer distant signals full of a mingled mockery and hope to the people waiting there. But for John Coxeter the drama of his own soul took precedence of that going on round him. Had he been alone he would have shared to the full the awful exasperating feeling of being trapped, of there being nothing to be done, which possessed all the thinking minds about him. But he was not alone. Nan, lying on his breast, seemed to pour virtue into him, to make him extraordinarily alive. However had he felt death, extinction so near, and yet there seemed to be something outside of himself, a spirit informing, uplifting, and conquering the flesh. Perceptions, sympathies, which had lain dormant during the whole of his thirty-nine years of life, now sprang into being. His imagination awoke. He saw that it was this woman now standing with such complete trust in the niceness of his honour, heart to heart with him, who had made the best of that at once solitary and companioned journey which we call life. He had thought her to be a fool. He now saw that, if a fool, she had been a divine fool, ever engaged while on her pilgrimage with the only things that now mattered. How great was the sum of her achievement compared with his. She had been a beacon diffusing light and warmth, he a shadow among shadows. If to-night he were engulfed in the unknown, for so death was visioned by John Coxeter, who would miss him? Who would feel the horror for his sudden obliteration? Coxeter came back into the present. He looked round him, and for the first time he felt the disabling clutch of physical fear. The life belts were being given out, and there came to him a horrid vision of the people round him as they might be an hour hence, drowned, heads down, legs up, done to death by those monstrous yellow bracelets which they were now putting on with such clumsy, feverish eagerness. He was touched on the arm in a husky voice, with which he was by now familiar, said urgently, Mr. Coxeter. See, I've brought your bag out of the slune. The man whose name he knew to be Victor Munich was standing on his elbow. Look here, don't take offense, Mr. Coxeter, I think better of the— He hesitated. The lifesaver, that you've gotten this bag of yours than you do. I'm willing to give you a fancy price for it. What would you say to a thousand pounds? I daresay I shan't have occasion to use it, but, of course, I take that risk. Coxeter, with a quick unobtrusive movement, released Mrs. Archdale. He turned and stared not unpleasantly at the man who was making him so odd an offer. Damn the fellow's impudence. The lifesaver is not for sale, he said shortly. Nan had heard but little of the quick colloquy. She did not connect it with the fact that the strong protecting arms which had been about her were now withdrawn, and the tears came into her eyes. She felt both in a physical and in a spiritual sense suddenly alone. John Coxeter, the one human being who ever attempted to place himself on a more intimate personal plane with her, happened by a strange irony of fate to be her companion in this awful adventure. But even he had now turned away from her. Nay, that was not quite true. He was again looking down at her, and she felt his hand groping for hers. As he found and clasped it, he made a movement, as if he wished again to draw her towards him. Gently she resisted, and at once she felt that he responded to her feeling of recoil. And Nan, with a confused sense of shame and anger, was now hurt by his submission. Most men in his place would have made short work of her resistance, would have taken her masterfully into the shelter of his arms. There came a little stir among the people on the deck. Coxeter heard a voice call out, in would-be cheery tones. Now then, ladies, please step out! Ladies and children only! Look sharp!" A sailor close by whispered gruffly to his mate. I'll stick to her anyhow. No crowded boats for me. I expect she'll be a good hour settling, perhaps a bit longer. As the first boatload swung into the water, some of the people about them gave a little cheer. Coxeter thought, but he will never be quite sure that in that cheer Nan joined. There was a delay of a minute. Then again the captain's voice rang out, this time in a sharper, more peremptory tone. Now, ladies, look sharp! Come along, please! Coxeter unclapsed Nan's hand. He did not know how tightly he had been holding it. He loved her. God, how he loved her! And now he must send her away. Away into the shrouding fog. Away, just as he had found her. If what he had overheard were true, might he not be sending Nan to a worse fate than that of staying to take the risk with him? But the very man who had spoken so doubtfully of the boats just now came forward. You best hurry, your lady, forward, sir. There's no time to lose. There was an anxious warning note in the rough voice. You must go now, said Coxeter heavily. I shall be all right, Mrs. Archdale, for she was making no movement forward. There'll be plenty of room for the men in the next boat. I'll walk her across the deck with you, but I'm afraid they won't allow that. He spoke in his usual manner a fact rather dry-tone and Nan looked up at him doubtingly. Did he really wish her to leave him? Flickering streaks of light fell on his face. It was convulsed with feeling, with what had become an agony of renunciation. She withdrew her eyes, feeling ashamed, exultant, pang of joy. I'll wait till there's room for you, too, Mr. Coxeter. She breathed, rather than actually uttered the words aloud. Another woman standing close by was saying the same thing to her companion, but in far more eager, more vociferous tones. Is it likely that I should go away now and leave you, Bob? Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. But the rendals pushed forward and finally both found places in this, the last boat but one. Victor Munich was still standing close to John Coxeter, and Mrs. Archdale, glancing at his sallow, terrors-stricken face, felt a thrill of generous pity for the man. Coxeter? She whispered. Do give him that lifesaver. Did he not ask you for it just now? We don't want it. Coxeter bent down and unstrapped his portmanteau. He handed to Nan the odd toy-like thing by which he had set so little store, but which now he let go with the touch of reluctance. He saw her move close to the man whose name she did not know. Here is the lifesaver. She said kindly. I heard you say you would like it. But you—he stammered. How—how about you? I don't want it. I should be all right. I shouldn't put it on in any case. He took it then avidly, and they saw him go forward with a quick stealthy movement to the place where the last boat was being got ready for the water. There's plenty of room for you and the lady now, sir. Coxeter hurried Nan across the deck, but suddenly they were pushed roughly back. The rope-barriers had been cut, and a hand-to-hand struggle was taking place round the boat. An ugly scrimmage to which as little reference as possible was made at the wreck inquiry afterwards. To those who looked on it was a horrible, ununnerving sight, and this time Coxeter, with sudden strength, took Nan back into his arms. He felt her trembling, shuddering against him. What she had just seen had loosed fear from its leash. I'm frightened, she moaned. Oh, Mr. Coxeter, I'm so horribly frightened of those men. Are they all gone? Yes, he said grimly. Most of them managed to get into the boat. Don't be frightened. I think we're safer here than we would be with those ruffians. Another man would have found easy terms of endearment and comfort for almost any woman so thrust on his protection and care, but the very depths of Coxeter's feeling seemed to make him dumb. That and his anguished fear lest by his fault, by his own want of quickness she had perhaps missed her chance of being saved, but what he was lacking another man supplied. This was the captain, and Nan listening to the cheering commonplace words felt her nerve, her courage, come back. Stayed with your husband, he said, coming up to them. Quite right, Mum. Don't you be frightened. Look at me and my men. We're not frightened. Not a bit of it. My boat will last right enough for us to be picked off ten times over. I tell you quite fairly and squarely if I'd my wife aboard, I'd have kept her with me. I'd rather be on this boat of mine than I would be out there on the open water in this fog. But as he walked back to the place where stood the rocket apparatus, Coxeter heard him mutter, the brutes. Not all seconds or thirds, either. I wish I had him here. I'd give him what for. Later, when reading the narrative supplied by some of the passengers who per force had remained on the doomed boat, Coxeter was surprised to learn how many thrilling experiences he had apparently missed during the long four hours which elapsed before their rescue, and yet the time of waiting and suspense probably appeared as long to him as it did to any of the fifty odd souls who stayed, all close together, on the upper deck waiting with what seemed a stalled resignation for what might next befall them. From the captain, Coxeter, leaving Mrs. Archdale for a moment, had extracted the truth. They had drifted down the French coast. They were on a dangerous reef of rock, and the rising of the wind, the lifting of the fog, might be the signal for the breaking up of the boat. On the other hand, the boat might hold for days. It was all a chance. Coxeter kept what he had learned to himself, but he was filled with a dull, aching sensation of suspense. His remorse that he had not hurried Mrs. Archdale into one of the first boats became almost intolerable. Why had he not placed her in the care even of the Jew Victor Munich who was actually seated in the last boat before the scramble round it had begun? More fortunate than he, Mrs. Archdale found occupation intending the few forlorn women who had been thrust back. He watched her moving among them with an admiration no longer on willing. She looked bright, happy, almost gay, and the people to whom she talked, to whom she listened, caught something of her spirit. Coxeter would have liked to follow her example, but though he saw that some of the men round him were eager to talk and to discuss the situation, his tongue refused to form words of come-in-place cheer. When with the coming of the dawn the fog lifted, Nan came up to Coxeter as he stood apart, while the other passengers were crowding round a fire which had been lit on the open deck. Together in silence they watched the rolling away of the introuting mist. Together they caught sight of the fleet of French fishing boats from which was to come sucker. As he turned and clasped her hand he heard her say more to herself than to him, I did not think we should be saved. CHAPTER III John Coxeter was standing in the library of Mrs. Archdale's home in Wimple Street. Two nights had elapsed since their arrival in London and now he was to see her for the first time since they had parted on the Charing Cross platform in the presence of the crowd of people comprised of unknown sympathisers, acquaintances, and friends who had come to meet them. He looked round him with a curious sense of unfamiliarity. The colouring of the room was grey and white with touches of deep-toned mahogany. It was Nan's favourite sitting room, though it still looked what it had been ever since Nan could remember it, a man's room. In his day her father had been a collector of books, medals and engravings connected with the severer type of eighteenth-century art and letters. In a sense this room always pleased Coxeter's fancy, partly because it implied a great many things that money and even modern culture cannot buy. But now this morning, for it was still early and he was on his way to his office for the first time since what an aunt of his had called his mysterious preservation from death, he seemed to see everything in this room in another light. Everything which had once been to him important had become, if not worthless, then unessential. He had sometimes secretly wondered why Mrs. Archdale, possessed as she was of considerable means, had not altered the old house, had not made it pretty as her friends' houses and rooms were pretty. But today he no longer wondered at this. His knowledge of the fleetingness of life and of the unimportance of all he had once thought so important was too vividly present. She came into the room and he saw that she was dressed in a more feminine kind of garment than that in which he generally saw her. It was white, and though girdled in a black ribbon it made her look very young, almost girlish. For a moment they looked at one another in constraint. Mrs. Archdale also had altered, altered far less than John Coxeter, but she was aware, as he was not aware, of the changes which long nearness to death had brought her, and for almost the first time in her life she was more absorbed in her own sensations than in those of the person with her. Seeing John Coxeter standing there waiting for her, looking so like his old self, so absolutely unchanged, confused her and made her feel desperately shy, she held out her hand but Coxeter scarcely touched it. After having held her so long in his arms he did not care to take her hand in formal greeting. She mistook his gesture, thought that he was annoyed at having received no word from her since they had parted. The long day in between had been to Nan Archdale full of nervous terror, for relations, friends, acquaintances had come in troops to see her and would not be denied. Already she had received two or three angry notes from people who thought they loved her and who were bitterly incensed that she had refused to see them when they had rushed to hear her account of an adventure which might so easily have happened to them. She made the mistake of confusing Coxeter with these selfish people. I am so sorry, she said in a low voice, that when you called yesterday I was supposed to be asleep, I have been most anxious to see you. She waited a moment and then added his name, Mr. Coxeter. I knew that you would have the latest news and that you would tell it to me. There is news, he said, of all the boats, good news. With the exception of the last boat, his voice sounded strangely to himself. Oh, but that must be all right too, Mr. Coxeter. The captain said the boats might drift about for a long time. Coxeter shook his head. I am afraid not, he said, in fact. He waited a moment and she came close up to him. Tell me, she commanded in a low voice. Tell me what you know. They say I ought to put it out of my mind, but I can think of nothing else. Whenever I close my eyes I see the awful struggle that went on round that last boat. She gave a quick convulsive sob. Coxeter was dismayed. How wildly she spoke, how unlike herself she seemed to-day. How unlike what she had been during the whole of their terrible ordeal. Already that ordeal had become to him something to be treasured. There is no lack of physical courage in the breed of Englishmen to which John Coxeter belonged. Pain entirely unassociated with shame holds out comparatively little terror to such as he. There was something rueful in the look he gave her. The last boat was run down in the fog, he said briefly. Some of the bodies have been washed up on the French coast. She looked at him apprehensively. Any of the people we had spoken to, any of those who were with us in the railway carriage? Yes, I'm sorry to say that one of the bodies washed up is that of the person who sat next to you. That poor French boy. Coxeter shook his head. No, no. He is all right. At least, I believe he's all right, it. The body, I mean. Was that of your other neighbour? He added on, necessarily, the man who made sweets. And then for the first time Coxeter saw Nan Archdale really moved out of herself. What he had just said had had the power to touch her, to cause her greater anguish than anything which had happened during the long hours of terror they had gone through. She turned and, moving as if blindly, pressed her hand to her face as if to shut out some terrible and pitiful sight. Ah! she exclaimed in a low voice. I shall never forgive myself over that. Do you know I had a kind of instinct that I ought to ask that man the name, the address? Her voice quivered and broke. Of his friend, that poor young woman who saw him off at the Paris station. Till this moment, Coxeter had not known that Nan had been aware of what had to himself been so odious, so ridiculous, and so grotesque a scene. But now he felt differently about this as about everything else that touched on the quick of life. For the first time he understood, even sympathised with, Nan's concern for that majority of human beings who are born to suffering and who are bare to the storm. Look here, he said awkwardly, don't be unhappy. It's all right. That man spoke to me on the boat. He did what he wished. He made a will providing for that woman. I took charge of it for him. As a matter of fact I went and saw his old mother yesterday. She behaved splendidly. Then the lifesaver was no good after all. No good, he said, and he avoided looking at her. At least so it would seem, but who can tell? Nan's eyes filled with tears, something beckoning appealing seemed to pass from her to him. The door suddenly opened. Mrs. Eaton, ma'am, she says she only heard what happened today and she's sure you will see her. Before Mrs. Archdale could answer, a woman had pushed her way past the maid into the room. Nan, poor darling, what an awful thing! I am glad I came so early. Now you will be able to tell me all about it." The visitor, looking round her, saw John Coxeter and seemed surprised. Fortunately she did not know him, and feeling as if, had he stayed, he must have struck the woman. He escaped from the room. As Coxeter went through the hall, filled with a perplexity and pain very alien from his positive nature, a good-looking, clean-shaven man who gave him a quick measured glance passed by. With him there had been no parlaying at the door as in Coxeter's own case. Who's that? He asked with a scowl of the servant. The doctor, sir. And he felt absurdly relieved. We sent for him yesterday, for Mrs. Archdale seemed very bad last night. The servant dropped her voice. It's the doctor, sir, as says Mrs. Archdale oughtn't to see visitors. You see it was in all the papers about the shipwreck, sir, and of course Mrs. Archdale's friends all come and see her to hear about it. They've never stopped. The doctor. He says that she ought to have stayed in bed and been quite quiet. But what would be the good of that, seeing she don't seem able to sleep? I suppose you've not suffered that way yourself, sir. The young woman was staring furtively at Coxeter, but noting his cold manner and imperturbable face, she felt that he was indeed a disappointing hero of her man's. Not at all the sort of gentleman with whom one would care to be shipwrecked if it came to a matter of choice. No, he said solemnly. I can't say that I have. He looked thoughtfully out into what had ever been to him a long, unlovely street, in which just now was the only place in the world where he desired to stay. Coxeter, a way so sure of himself, and of what was the best and wisest thing to do in every circumstance of life, felt for the first time unable to cope with a situation presented to his notice. As he was hesitating, a carriage drove up and a footman came forward with a card, while the occupant of the carriage called out, making anxious inquiries as to Mrs. Archdale's condition and promising to call again the same afternoon. Coxeter suddenly told himself that it behooved him to see the doctor, and ascertained from him whether Mrs. Archdale was really ill. He crossed the street and began pacing up and down and unconsciously. He quickened his steps as he went over every moment of his brief interview with Nan. All that was himself, and there was a good deal more of John Coxeter than even he was at all aware of, had gone out to her in a rapture of memory and longing, but she, or so it seemed to him, had purposefully made herself remote. At last, after what seemed a very long time, the doctor came out of Mrs. Archdale's house and began walking quickly down the street. Coxeter crossed over and touched him on the arm. If I may, he said, I should like a word with you. I want to ask you. I mean, I trust that Mrs. Archdale is recovering from the effect of the terrible experience she went through the other night. He spoke awkwardly, stiffly. I saw her for a few moments just before you came, and I was sorry to find her very unlike herself. The doctor went on walking. He looked coolly at Coxeter. It is a great pity that Mrs. Archdale's friends can't leave her alone. As to being unlike herself, you and I would probably be very unlike ourselves if we had gone through what this poor lady had just gone through. You see, I was with her on the boat. We were not travelling together. Coxeter corrected himself hastily. I happened to meet her merely on the journey. My name is Coxeter. The other man's manner entirely altered. He slackened in his quick walk. I beg your pardon, sir, he said. Of course I had no notion who you were. She says you saved her life. That, but for you, she would have been in that boat, the boat that was lost. Coxeter tried to say something in denial of this surprising statement, but the doctor hurried on. I may tell you that I'm very worried about Mrs. Archdale, in fact seriously concerned at her condition. If you have any influence with her, I beg you to persuade her to refuse herself to the endless busybodies who want to hear her account of what happened. She won't have a trained nurse, but there ought to be someone on guard, a human watchdog warranted to snarl and bite. Do you think she ought to go away from London? asked Coxeter in a low voice. No. I don't think that, at least not for the present. The medical man frowned thoughtfully. What she wants is to be taken out of herself. If I could prescribe what I believe would be the best thing for her, I should advise that she go away to some other part of London with someone who will never speak to her of what happened, and yet who will always listen to her when she wants to talk about it. Some sensible commonplace person who could distract her mind without tiring her, and who would make her do things she has never done before. If she was an ordinary smart lady I should prescribe philanthropy. He made a slight grimace. Make her go and see some of my poorer patients, coming to contact with a little real trouble. But that would be no change to Mrs. Archdale. No. What she wants is someone who will force her to be selfish, who will take her up the monument one day, and to a music hall the next. Moture her out, Richmond Park, make her take a good long walk, and then sit by the sofa and hold her hand if she feels like crying. He stopped, a little ashamed of his energy. Thank you, Coxeter said very seriously. I much obliged to you for telling me this. I can see the sense of what you say. You know, in spite of her quiet manner, Mrs. Archdale's a nervous, sensitive woman. The doctor was looking narrowly at Coxeter as he spoke. She was perfectly calm and very brave at the time. That means nothing, plucks not a matter of nerve. You ought to be, but it isn't. But I admit you're a remarkable example of the presence of the one coupled with the absence of the other. You don't seem a penny the worse, and yet it must have been a very terrible experience. You see, it came at the end of my holiday, said Coxeter gravely, and as a matter of fact, he hesitated. I feel quite well, in fact, remarkably well. Do you see any objection to my calling again? I mean today, on Mrs. Archdale, I might put what you have just said before her. Yes, do. Do that by all means, seeing how well you have come through it. The doctor could not help smiling a slightly satirical smile ought to be a lesson to Mrs. Archdale. You ought to show her that after all she is perhaps making a great deal of fuss about nothing. Hardly that, said Coxeter with a frown. They had now come to the corner of Queen Anne Street. He put out his hand hesitatingly. The doctor took it and, oddly enough, held it for a moment while he spoke. Think over what I have said, Coxeter. It's a matter of hours. Mrs. Archdale ought to be taken in hand at once. Then he went off crossing the street. Pity the man, such a dry stick, he said to himself, now's his chance if he only knew it. John Coxeter walked straight on. He had written the day before to say that he would be at his office as usual this morning. But now the fact quite slipped his mind. Wild thoughts were surging through his brain. They were running away with him into such unexpected places. The monument. He had never thought of going up the monument. He would formerly have thought it a sad waste of time, but now the monument became to John Coxeter a place of pilgrimage, a spot of secret healing. A man had once told him that the best way to see the city was at night, but that if you were taking a lady, you should choose a Sunday morning and go there on the top of a bus. He had thought the man who said this very eccentric, but now he remembered the advice and thought it well worth following. By the time Coxeter turned into Cavendish Square, he had traveled far further than the monument. He was in Richmond Park. Nan's hand was thrust through his arm as it had been while they had watched the first boat fill slowly with the women and children. To lovers who remember, the streets of a great town far more than country roads and lanes, hold over the long years precious, poignant memories for a background of stones and mortar has about it a character of permanence which holds captive and echoes the scenes and words enacted and uttered there. Coxeter has not often occasioned to go the little round he went that morning. But when some accidental circumstance causes him to do so, he finds himself again in the heart of that kingdom of romance from which he was so long an alien and of which he has now become a naturalized subject. As most of us know, many ways lead to the kingdom of romance. Coxeter found his way there by a waterway. And so it is that when he reaches the turning into Queen Anne Street, there seems to rise round him the atmosphere of what Londoners call the city. The city as it is at night, uncannily deserted save for the ghosts and lovers who want its solitary thoroughfares after the bustle of the day is stilled. It was then that he and Anne first learned to wander there. From there he travels on into golden sunlight and he is again in Richmond Park as it was during the whole of that beautiful October. Walking up the west side of Cavendish Square, Coxeter again becomes absorbed in his great adventure, a far greater adventure than that with which his friends and acquaintances still associate his name. With some surprise, even perhaps with some discomforture, he sees himself, for he is not wholly cast out the old Adam. He sees himself as he was that memorable morning, carried that is wholly out of his usual wise ponder itself. Perhaps he even wonders a little how he could ever have found courage to do what he did, he who has always thought so much in a hidden way of the world's opinion and of what people will say. He could still tell you which lamppost he was striding past when he realized with a thrill of relief that in any case Nan Archdale would not treat him as would almost certainly do one of those women whom he had honored with his cold approval something less than a week ago. Any one of those women would have regarded what he was now going to ask Nan to do as an outrage on the conventions of life, but Nan Archdale would be guided only by what she herself thought right and seemly. And then as he turns again into Wimple Street, as he comes near to what was once his wife's house, his long steady stride becomes slower. Unwillingly his living again those doubtful moments when he knocked at her door, when he gave the surprised maid the confused explanation that he had a message from the doctor for Mrs. Archdale. He hears the young woman say, Mrs. Archdale is just going out, sir. The doctor thought she had to take a walk, and his muttered answer, I won't keep her a moment. Again he feels the exultant, breathless thrill which seized him when she slipped, neither of them exactly knew how, into his arms, and when the sentences he had prepared the arguments he meant to use in his hurried rush up the Long Street were all forgotten. He hears himself imploring her to come away with him now, at once. Is she not dressed to go out? Instinct teaches him for the first time to make to her the one appeal to which she ever responds. He had meant to tell her what the doctor had said, to let that explain his great temerity. But instead he tells her only that he wants her, that he cannot go on living apart from her. Is there any good reason why they should not start now this moment for Doctor's Commons in order to see how soon they can be married? So it is that when John Coxeter stands in Wimple Street, so typical a Londoner belonging to the leisure and conventional class, that none of the people passing by even glance his way, he lives again through the immortal moment when she said, very well. To this day so transforming is the miracle of love, Nan Coxeter believes that during their curious honeymoon it was she who was taking care of John, not he of her. End of section 15, recording by Melissa Green. End of Studies in Love and in Terror by Marie Bella Glondis.