 The Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike. Quality of product is essential to continuing success. An outstanding example, Lucky Strike. In a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. And day in, day out, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. At 50, 79, 59, American. Lucky Strike presents The Man Who Knows. Mr. Ed Isaacs, Independent Tobacco Warehouseman of Lebanon, Kentucky, has seen millions of pounds of tobacco sold at auction. Recently, he said, Season after season, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by fine ripe tobacco. The kind of leaf a tobacco man really goes for. My own cigarette for more than 15 years has been lucky. At auction after auction, independent tobacco experts like Mr. Isaacs can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Remember, LSMFT, LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And fine tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. Yes, next time you buy cigarettes, ask for Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, as you all know, Sunday night is a great night for comedy on NBC. One of the outstanding comedians is Fred Allen. What? However, it's too early for Allen. So I bring you his closest friend, Jack Benny. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hello again. This is Jack Benny talking and Don, Don, Rose Bowl tummy. Look, I'd like to ask you something. After all these years, how can you imply that Fred Allen and I are such close friends? Well, Jack, last year when we were in New York, Allen told me personally that of all the friends he has, if he tried to borrow money, you'd be the closest. Uh, Fred Allen said that? Yes, Jack, he certainly did. Well, Don, I'm the kind of a man who likes to give credit where credit is due. And that joke deserves at least five seconds of silence. Will you, people in the audience, please bear with us? And that isn't all Allen said. He told me that. Wait a minute, Don. Jack isn't back yet. Well, where is he? While the bells were ringing, he was out in the audience selling good humors. I was not. And you're just as bad as Allen with those stingy jokes about me. Oh, Jack, it isn't only Fred Allen. Everybody is talking about how cheap you are. Even I'm embarrassed. What? Look what happened last Saturday night at the Brown Derby. Mary. You ordered bowl of noodle soup and ate it right down to the last spoonful. Well? Then you caught a fly, threw it in the soup and refused to pay for it. Now, Mary, look. And that was a fine thing he did at the football game last week. Everybody else bought a penant, but not you. What'd they do, Mary? He painted USC on his toupee and tied it on a stick. Well, I had the winning team, didn't I? Yeah, but if you died green for Notre Dame, I'll punch you right in the nose. You hadn't hesitated before, Green. You'd have had a great joke there. Anyway, sister, you're dimming. You're dimming my Christmas spirit. Now let's get on with the... Come in. Mr. Benny, I'm from Coronet Magazine, and we want to express our appreciation to you for being our quiz editor this month. Well, I was glad to do it. You were selected because you are a man who always tells the truth. Of course. Now we'd like some information for our files. Anything at all. What is it you want to know? How old are you? Well, uh... How old would you say I look? Oh, I'd say about, uh, 38. Thank you. Do you mind if I borrow your handkerchief? Why? The wind is blowing through this hole in my head. What? Get out of here! I don't know why it is. Another show is when someone knocks on the door, it's a guest star. On my show, it's always an idiot. I'll be right with you, Jackson. I wasn't calling you, but as long as you're here, Phil, snap into it and give us a band number. Now, wait a minute, Jackson, wait a minute. From now on, you just don't stand there and tell me to play a band number. You request a musical selection. What? Then if the maestro is in the mood, he will acquiesce. Phil, Phil, are you winking at me? Or did you lose the toothpick that was holding your left eye open? I didn't lose nothing, Jackson. I'm just classy now. Didn't you notice what happened at the opening of the show? Notice what? I was leading the band without a stick. Well, three cheers and a tiger for you. Without a stick, eh? Certainly, it's much more dignified now that I'm like the other great musicians, Stakowski or Toscanini or Spamone. I knew if he talked long enough, he'd hit the jerkpot. Phil, Spamone is an Italian ice cream. Oh, thank heaven, I thought I said a naughty word. No, Phil, you're in the clear. There was nothing naughty there unless... No, ice cream is ice cream, no matter how you look at it. And, Phil, as far as your music is concerned... Don't pick on my music, Jackson. I've got enough to do. I've got to come to the studio, rehearse the script, and I've got to rehearse the band, and on top of that, I've got to write my own music. You mean you make your own arrangement? Certainly, but if you paid me enough, I could hire a guy to come down and fix him up a little. You know, one good note here and there makes a lot of difference. Phil, one good note in your arrangement is like throwing a rose into a barrel of rope fur. Anyway, hey, where's Dennis? It's time for a song. Well, he hasn't come in yet, Jack. Well, Don, while we're waiting, let's have the quartet do a commercial. Hey, Jackson, if you want to hear something good, me and the quartet have worked up a number that's dynamite. I mean, you and the sportsmen have prepared a commercial? Sure. Didn't we, fellas? Didn't we, fellas? Did you, fellas? See, I'm boss here, Phil. Well, go ahead, let's hear it. Okay. Won't you come with me to Alabama? Let's go see my dear old mammy. She's smoking luckies and broiling hammy. That's what I like about the South. Down with swanee river flows, down with that fine tobacco grows, where every man is a man who knows that's what I like about the South. If you love me like I love you, send me Lucky's PDQ. Raw, raw, raw for SMU. That's what I like about the South. Then we'll go to Tennessee. That's the place for you and me. They smoke LSMFD. That's what I like about the South. Yes! Take one, Jackson. Won't you come with me to Old St. Joe, where they love me but Lucky's mow, so free and easy on the row. That's what I like about the South. Even down on Basin Street, they would rather smoke than eat, because Lucky's strikes are hard to beat, and that's what I like about the South. Don, funny thing about an Eskimo, they only smoke in the evening glow, but the nights are six months long, you know, and that's what I like about the North. I'd rather be in Dixieland, because in that field that looks so grand, with a big tobacco leaf in my hand, that's what I like about the South. Here's Effie Boone with all the news, speedy rakes in his button shoes, and Lucky's strike is the one they choose. That's what I like about the South. Yes, sir. Say, Phil, did you write that number all by yourself? I certainly did, Jackson. Wrote the music, arranged it and everything? I mean, nobody helped you? No, I did it myself. Well, now you know what I mean by Rookford. I can't understand why Dennis isn't here. Well, I haven't seen him since we had Thanksgiving dinner at your house. That's funny. Hey, Jackson, maybe the kid ate too much turkey and got sick. No, he couldn't have. There were 16 of us at the table, and I still have half the turkey left. There were 28 of us, and you still have three-quarters of the turkey left. What? Nobody would you would think of putting sleeping pills in the stuffing. Oh, stop, will ya? Yeah, I can't understand where Dennis is. You want me to go out and look for him? Yeah, see if you... Dennis, when did you come in? Just now. Why are you so late? Well, I had to wait for my mother. She took me downtown to buy a suit with two pair of pants. Well, why did your mother have to go along? The suit was for her. For her? Dennis, your mother, your mother wears a man's suit? Well, she used to wear a dress, but one day while she was working, her heel got caught in the hem. She fell down the ladder and dropped all the bricks. Dennis, do you mean your mother's a hot carrier? Why didn't your father do that kind of work? Well, he has to stay home and do the cooking and sewing. Well, that certainly is a mixed-up family. Your mother wearing men's clothes and your father in an apron. Yeah, when I was born, a doctor didn't know which one to take to the hospital. Dennis. Lucky for me, he took my mother. Dennis, Dennis, what makes you so silly? Oh, I don't think he's silly. Jack, I think he's cute. You're cute, too, Mary. And if you ever think of getting married, my phone number is Gladstone1975. 195. If a man answers, that's my mother. Dennis, if Mary was thinking of getting married, it wouldn't be to you. You're just a kid. Well, I'm not a kid anymore. My father told me all about the birds and bees. What? The birds are the ones with the wings. Dennis, the bees have wings, too. Don't get vulgar. Dennis, do me a favor. Let's have your song, will you? Okay. Can't understand how he got two shows. How he ever got a father and mother. I'll let you know. Lately, whenever you hold me, you don't hold me goodnight. Don't you move to the skies. Now I noticed when we hit, you don't even close your eyes. Baby, I'm just being silly. Baby, I'm just being silly. Don't you love me anymore, sung by Dennis Day. And very good, Dennis. Thanks, Mr. Benny. Before I forget, my mother told me to thank you for inviting me to your dinner last Thursday. Well, you were very welcome. And by the way, kids, all of you, I meant to tell you, you know, you almost didn't have that turkey for dinner. What do you mean, Jack? Well, somehow, I didn't have the heart to kill it. As a matter of fact, it was the day before Thanksgiving. You know, the turkey was out in the yard, and it was getting late. Look at her, Rochester. She's certainly a fine-looking turkey. See, we've had her almost a week now. I know she seems to know us. Well, it's got to be killed. Here, Rochester, here's the hatchet. Yep, we got to do it. Here's the hatchet, Boston. Yes, sir, if it's got to be done, it's got to be done. Here's the hatchet, Rochester. No use wasting time. That's what we're out here for. Here's the hatchet, boys. I'll tell you what, Rochester, I'll toss a coin to see who does it. Head's at you. Here, I'll toss this quarter. Here goes. Where did it go? Where's the quarter? The turkey swallowed it. What? I was just trying to stop her from swallowing it. Now, Rochester, let's not fool around anymore. Now, take the hatchet and chop the turkey's head off. But, boss, isn't there an easier way to do it? Why don't we kill it like Mr. Harris kills his turkey? Oh, does Mr. Harris kill turkeys a special way? Yeah, he feeds them a quarter bourbon and lets them hiccup themselves to death. I mean, he gives the turkey a quarter bourbon? On Thanksgiving, Mr. Harris wants everybody to be happy. Well, that's silly. How can the turkey be happy? Its body will soon be in the oven roasting. Yeah, but its head will be out in the yard smiling. Oh, fine. Well, we're not going to waste any bourbon on this turkey. Look, look, Rochester, we've stalled long enough. Now, I'm going to the house, so you kill it. But, boss, I hate to. Well, I'm not happy about it, either, but it's got to be done. Now, go ahead. All this fuss over killing a turkey. But then, you do get kind of attached to them. I remember I brought her home Saturday, and every morning she laid an egg. If she could give milk to I to let her live. But then, what have I got to lose? At least this way I get food and a duster. Well, I'm sure going to miss her. She was kind of cute. I don't know, she'd all... Well, boss, it's all over. You mean? No. Say, boss, I wonder what gobble, gobble, gobble, go... Means. Why? Those were our last words. Well, don't worry about it, Rochester, it had to be done. I'm going into the den and lying down. Kind of tired, anyway. It'll be good to lie down, oh well. See, I'm tired after all the work I've done. I hope the gang enjoys a Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. But it's not like it used to be. I remember when I was a kid back in Waukegan. My father and I used to go out in that big forest and shoot a turkey. Just think, that's where Chicago is now. I hated to make Rochester kill that turkey. It was my fault too. I didn't want to do it. Yeah, I feel like I'm falling asleep. Maybe I better take my hat off. I didn't want to kill that turkey. I didn't want to kill that turkey. I didn't want to kill that turkey. Order in the court, order in the court. Court? Where am I? Where am I? Order in the court. Now the case of the goblers of Los Angeles County versus Jack Benny. Wait a minute. What am I being tried for? You are charged with murder. Murder? Wait a minute. This is a mistake. I didn't murder anybody. Who did I murder? You murdered my daughter. But you're a turkey. And look, the jury. They're all turkeys too. Everybody rise please. Here's honor, the judge. Judge? How can you be the judge? You're a turkey, aren't you? Well, what do you think I am with this worm in my mouth and apple? What? But your honor, if you're the judge why aren't you on the bench? Why are you sitting over there? My wife went shopping and it's my turn to sit on the nest. Oh. Congratulations, I'm a father. And now let's get on with the trial. The prosecution will present its first witness. Will the first witness please take the stand? Your name? Tallulah Turkey. You promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? If you're going to cross her legs, she's influencing the jury. Imagine her coming into court wearing those short feathers. Now, Mrs. Turkey, when was the last time you saw your daughter? When she went out with that man over there and she lost her head completely. That's a corny gag. It ain't bad for a turkey. Order in the court. Order in the... Whoops, that's twins. Mama, be surprised when she comes home. Will the next witness please take the nest? I mean the stand. You are here as a character witness, sir. What is your name? My name is Fred Allen. Your occupation? I'm a comedian. That's a lot. I object. Order in the court. Order in the court. Now, Mr. Allen, how long have you known the defendant? 74 years. Just a minute, Mr. Allen. You're not that old. When you know a man like Benny, you try to hurry up and die. Now, wait a minute. That will be all, Mr. Allen. Your testimony has... Whoops, that's three down and one to go. Now will the defendant please take the stand? Yes, and I'll say plenty. Your name? Jack Benny. Your occupation? Radio comedian. Your wage? 38. What? Oh, my age. Well, that's a personal matter. Now, isn't it true that on the afternoon of November the 26th, you did murder with drumstick a forethought, Miss Telly Turkey? Yes. But since when is it a crime to kill a turkey? The prosecution will present its next witness. Yes, sir. Your name, please. Mr. Kitzel. Now, Mr. Kitzel, in the course of your employment in the poultry market, isn't it true that you sold the defendant to Turkey? Look, Mr. Benny is a very good friend of mine. I don't like to say anything that's going to hurt him. Well, how long have you been friends? Since before he murdered the turkey. Mr. Kitzel, quiet. Now, about this turkey you sold the defendant, was she nice and plump? She was beautiful. Oh. Then she was very well-rounded. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Her pictures was banned in Boston. Now, Mr. Kitzel, we want an identification of the deceased turkey. How much did she weigh? I think 29 pounds. You think she weighed 29 pounds, don't you know? Wait, I'll ask my assistants. Say, boys. Hmm? They're not his assistants. That's my quartet. What's the matter with everybody? Are they crazy? Boys, how much did Mr. Benny's turkey weigh? What kind of a cry is that? She was the turkey of 29 pounds. In the barnyard she made all the rounds. Now, there were 29 chickens, as crazy as the dickens about the turkey of 29 pounds. She left 29 broken eggs. She had feathers all over her legs. And, brother, I am not bluffing. You ought to see the stuffin' in the turkey of 29 pounds. She was a gob-gob-goblin baby. A new kind of bird from the west. She'll make wonderful gravy. If you're not careful, it's on your best. She ate 29 bushels of corn. Since the 29 week she was born, she looks so lovely on your table with her legs like Betty Grable. She's the turkey of 29 pounds. Gobble, gobble, the turkey of 29 pounds. The turkeys of the jury, you've heard the evidence. What is your verdict? We find the defendant Jack Benny guilty of murder. Don Wilson. Let's get him, kids. Oh, it's you, Rochester. See what a dream I just had. I dreamed a bunch of turkeys were eating me. I could feel them. One of them kept biting me and fighting me. Well, boss, you should never go to sleep with your teeth in your pocket. Yeah, I guess you're right. Ladies and gentlemen, it's tough enough when we grown-ups have problems. But when our children are the victims of circumstances we are responsible for, that's unforgivable. I'm referring to what is happening in our schools today. Thousands of underpaid teachers are being forced to leave their profession to enter better-paying fields. Now, we can correct this situation by being active in the Parent-Teachers Association local school boards and getting to know the individual teachers better. So let's support our teachers and take an active interest in their welfare. Thank you. Jack will be back in just a minute. But first, quality of product is essential to continuing success. And lucky strike means fine tobacco. LSMFT. Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco. And fine tobacco is what counts in a cigarette. Remember what happens at the tobacco auctions? Season after season, at auction after auction, independent tobacco experts can see the makers of lucky strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Lucky strike presents the man who knows. Mr. James Ball, ace tobacco auctioneer of Winston-Salem, North Carolina, sold seven and one-half million pounds of tobacco in just 24 days. A world's record. Not long ago, he said, Season after season, I've seen the makers of lucky strike by fine, ripe, mellow leaf. Tobacco that makes a swell smoke. I've smoked luckies myself for 29 years. So for your own real, deep down smoking enjoyment, remember. LSMFT. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, lucky strike. Yes, next time you buy cigarettes, ask for lucky strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Ladies and gentlemen, be sure to listen to the Phil Harris Alice Faye show on Sundays and a day in the life of Dennis Day on Wednesday. Well, kids, I'm glad you all enjoyed the Thanksgiving dinner and, oh, Darna, I just remembered something. I forgot to invite Norman Krasna. I better call him up and apologize and ask him to dinner tonight. Norman Krasna's residents. I'd like to speak to Mr. Krasna, please. This is Jack Benny. I'm sorry, but Mr. Krasna's busy at the moment. Could I give him a message? Yes. I'd like you to find out if he can go out tonight. Just a moment. I'll ask him. Hello? Hello. What did Mr. Krasna say? Good. Go tell him eight o'clock. Goodbye. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.