 It may shock you to know that there are eight films currently in the Howling franchise. If you're like me, it may shock you to know there's a Howling franchise at all. It consists of three novelles and eight films that started all the way back in 1981 by Joe Dante. From what I gather, these are pretty shoddy, low-budget, bad-acting affairs. And today, I watched my first and supposedly the best. And by best, I mean complete and utter trash. Let's roast Howling, New Moon Rising. This roast today is brought to you by Patreon.com slash Adam Does Movies supporter. Life is good. As a Mithril member, on either Patreon or right here on YouTube, you get to select from an ever-growing list a terrible movie and I have to grant you that wish. And today's pick is a doozy. Let's begin. The movie fires up with the skeletal remains of what looks like David Spade. That's honestly about how big I was in middle school. Naturally, soft-core porn music is a company in this piece. The three stooges look down on this figure as a fourth rolls up. He's simply referred to as the Inspector. He confirms the kill and then the title card is revealed. Howling 7, The Mystery Woman. What? The fuck? I was told by literally every single source on the planet that this was called Howling 7, New Moon Rising. So imagine my confusion and surprise when I see a completely different title come up. The Mystery Woman. What? What? Extra confusing is the song that's now playing is talking about Howling at the Moon. This film was shot in 1995 on what appears to be several of my grandparents' handheld VHS cameras. What I'm saying is this movie looks like shit. The color grading changes from shot to shot as we're now following a motorcyclist through a few different towns. We're at a church with that detective from the beginning who was talking to a colleague. Odd that we followed the motorcycle guy around and then immediately cut away from him. But I'm sure this whole movie is going to wrap up really nicely anyways. It doesn't even matter. They briskly talk about some of the photos of victims over the years. The woman on the beach is featured and then we immediately start talking about a dude that died at a circus. And now I'm 100% confused again. It's seriously two sentences of dialogue. We're off to the races on some other cockamamie idea. I don't know what's happening. I know this is the seventh Howling. Maybe some of the other ones refer to this guy at the circus, but I'm in the weeds. Completely lost already. And again, it's possible this is all going to tie together really nicely. Based on the fact that the audio in this movie sounds like it was filtered through a washing machine, I have my reservations. Now at the bar, we see that biker from the intro. He's rolled into a quaint little place called Pioneer Town and he's heading to the bar to tell bad penis jokes. I've already had dick theory. He seems like the type of guy I could have a beer with. No, he's actually there for a reason and he explains it right now. Tell a dad in Yucca Valley tell me there was a job guy in here, so I'll tie him up. I don't know what the fuck he said. I played back that scene eight or nine times and I still don't know what he said. Tell a dad in Yucca Valley tell me there was a job guy in here, so I'll tie him up. The audio in this movie is harder to hear than if you play Tenet underwater. Back to the priest and the detective. By the way, we are going to be jumping back and forth between these two locations. 5,000 times, I counted. It might be 4,999, but I'm pretty sure I counted 5,000. There have been no names given yet. I did however cheat and look at IMDB and he goes by the name of Father John. The detective is just known as detective. He's never given a name. Unless his name is detective, he was born. He was born detective. He was born for the job. And again, a sad reminder that my name at birth wasn't female boob inspector. Let's press on. The working theory by Father John is a little unconventional, but it might be sound killer is a werewolf. We masterfully cut to a creepy scene of people line dancing. This is very clearly not happening at the same time as everything else in the bar. It's absolutely jarring how different the shots are in this film. Nothing lines up. A character named Papi is now taking center stage. The bartender introduces Ted to Papi. Papi's impressed as he runs the establishment and he says, yeah, you got the job. In exchange, we can't give you cash, but we will give you a nice place to sleep and we'll give you food. Well, we don't pay much, but you can have some food and a place to sleep. We cut back to the creepy silhouette line dancing. I fucking loved this movie. Ted, now at his new quarters, he's talking into a tape recorder about what he thinks of old pioneer town. A humorous montage fires up. My favorite are the three guys at the bar taking shots in unison. Except for the guy in the end can't quite hit his mark. I mean, you had one job, dude. You had one job. It's time for an exposition dump by the priest. He explains how Count Dooku or Count Chocula, some count, it doesn't matter. Invited everyone to his castle soiree and they all died. Satan then took the castle under his wing, under his protection, saved it from three different burning attempts from the locals. Now they won't even go in the shadow of this castle. Let alone set foot inside it. You know what they say, burn me once, shame on you. Burn me thrice, shame on thee. It's redundant. It's redundant, really. The Golden Girls gab it up while watching Ted in his love interest. I want to say her name is Esmerelda or Mary Gertrude. I really don't remember. And the audio is not doing me any favors. It sounds like two kids in the 90s talking on those tin cans they made at home with the string that goes in between the houses. Father John's talking at Nazium about the history of the werewolf still. Detective doesn't even want to hear it. He checks out. He's like, But I really must go. Where, sir? To the nearest bar. Ted gets cockblocked by a guy hiding in the trees. And right before he was going to plant one on his love, Anastasia. That can't be right. Montage at Pappy and Herod's Pioneer Palace. And while this is happening, might I add, Herod is absolutely fucking crushing it on the vocals and the fake guitar playing that she's doing. 20 minutes in, we have more super creepy NPC line dancing. So far, these are the scariest scenes in the film. I thought maybe a werewolf would make an appearance by now, even if it's just an off-camera killing. But yeah, not yet. I'm guessing they're just building this up. They really want the suspense to fester. Certainly not going to disappoint. All right, I spoke too soon. We finally get some action. A POV shot of the werewolf. This is presented in what I can only describe as heavy flow period vision. This creature startles some deer and titties McGee. It also spooks the town drunk, but he has no time to get away without hesitating the werewolf pounces on him. Now the next shot and yell have me a little confused. I can't tell if the werewolf killed the dude or banged him and he just achieved climax. No, he died. He's dead. Where was Ted at during this? Well, he was out. One of the locals picked up on it and they're not going to just let this sleeping werewolf lie. They're going to check out his place. Oh, I can't wait for this movie to be over. The woman's name Cheryl and she wants to confront Ted about what's been happening. So in probably one of the greatest scenes in this movie, which is saying a lot because there's so many great scenes in this movie. Jim, you seen Ted? She walks over to Jim who awkwardly gets up. This truly all is presented in NPC form. I don't want to keep hammering that word, but it really does feel like we are in a video game. She goes over to Jim, asks if he's seen Ted. He gets up very awkwardly, looks off into Nowheresville and says, I think he went that way. Why would he? Why would he assume that? We didn't see him talk to him. We don't know it. So she's like, okay, she turns and starts to walk away. The camera checks her out, I guess for a little while. We had to see her walk away. And then here comes Ted, not two seconds later. He can clearly see Cheryl. She can see him. He was coming from kind of the same direction and he's like, hey, how's it going? And Jim goes, Cheryl was looking for you. That's the story of my life, Jim. She's right there, dude. Just say, hey, Cheryl, he's over here. There hasn't been a passage of time. They're not far away. And so Ted's like, thank you, Jim. And then he walks towards her again. She's right there. We fast forward several seconds later and Ted does in fact catch up to Cheryl and they have a 10 second conversation that doesn't go well because she's confronting him. She doesn't trust this guy and quite frankly, neither do I. He storms off. Okay, I'm genuinely lost. We're back on the priest who's doing more exposition to the detective who I thought left. But I guess it's the next day. So he's back again for more. This flashback is at the castle again, but we actually see a werewolf for all of two seconds. It's meticulously and easily picking off the inhabitants. One of them appears to be a dummy that it rips the head off, poor thing. And all I'm thinking is why do these flashbacks look so much better than the rest of the film? And keep in mind, they don't look good by any means but they look better. There seems to be a budget and they also feel far more like completed than they would for just a flashback in a shitty low budget rental film. I'm genuinely confused. Part of me thinks that this was maybe from another Howling movie and their budget's so cheap that they're just relying on past footage to show any sort of effects work. Again, I know nothing about the Howling. I didn't want to do any research for this video. I wanted to go in fresh as a daisy. And yeah, I'll just let you let me know in the comments if I'm on to a good working theory right now. Back at the ranch, Ted makes a call. The actor strategically covers his mouth the whole time so you can't hear what he's saying, probably because they dubbed the whole thing. I mean, they did, they dubbed the whole thing. I'm guessing there's a decent amount of reshoots on this. I'm also guessing the actor's got paid via sticks of gum and expired red robin gift cards. So really, reshoots isn't that big of a deal. He accidentally leaves behind one of the most boring looking business cards I've ever seen. And a mysterious hand grabs it. Ooh, who could it be? The plot thickens. I'm excited for this movie to end. The inspector and the priest decide to slow things down for a second and take a nice walk outside, get some fresh air, clear their minds from all the nothing they've been doing so far. Now back inside the church, Sybil brings the boy's tea. The fuck is Sybil? I thought you may like some tea. Thank you, Sybil. Front-end worker, I don't know who this woman is. She seems very aloof. She's having some issues remembering things properly. And now I really can't tell if it's poor acting or if it's just... And he's got a wife and her friends are policemen. It's poor acting. It's really bad. Her foggy ass leaves the room and the priest hits us with a massive bombshell. It will be three years to the day since that Hungarian castle burned to the ground. And that's precisely how long it takes for a werewolf to reach full maturity. I said it like that obnoxiously for some reason. Maturity, I say, usually. And on this day, there will also be a full moon, which gives it extra abilities. It, as the priest says... It becomes engorged. This is gonna lead into my favorite line exchange of the flick. I'll just let it run. How do you know all this? I've always known the theories of werewolves. That's just good writing. The ladies break into Ted's room. They find a secret collection of tapes, but there's time for a little else as Ted's coming! He goes in the room quickly, pretends to leave, but does a little peek-a-boo around the corner and notices they're on his tail. Because he's a werewolf. He has a tail. Or is he a werewolf? I don't know. It's up in the air right now. I'm excited to find out. I know that much. I'm excited to find out how much is left of this movie until it's over, and I can be done with it. I know that much. In our favorite bar, the locals are talking about the recent attack. Jim the bartender, aka living Harley-Davidson billboard, cracks a joke. He's the funny one of the group. While this is going on, Harriet's back on the stage, rocking your socks off. We get a bit more line dancing for good measure. This bar is 24-7 line dancing. The people in this town live and breathe line dancing. It is in their blood. Maybe that's what attracted the werewolf here to begin with. My favorite is a cut to an old lady who's playing the hell out of some spoons like she's in the film Mimic. A couple homophobic customers start mocking Ted, but Ted's about ready to slam an uno reverse card down as he performs one of the dumbest fucking tricks I've ever seen. He tells the guy that he's going to drink the alcohol that's underneath his hat without removing the hat. In order to do this, he's relying on his buddy across the bar to slide an open bottle of beer onto the shitty, not at all straight, not at all clean floor. This is an impossible task. Sliding a bottle of beer on the ground. Are you out of your mind with this idea? It works. He drinks under the table. They get upset and prove to him that he didn't drink the beer because it's under his hat. In which case, he's like, didn't move my hat. Boom! Nailed him. Pappy's impressed by the little stunt he's pulled, and not only is he given a gift, we as the audience are as well, as now Pappy's up on stage for a little musical jam number. Maybe this is called the howling not because of a werewolf, but because of all the noises people make when they attempt to sing songs. The scene abruptly cuts while Pappy's mid-sentence. I didn't actually find her tone. He'll love to see it. 45 minutes into this film and we have exactly two seconds of werewolf. Sibyl's back, baby. And she's once again confused. I'm a little confused myself. Where is this story going? We don't have time to dwell. Father John has another monologue to give. He believes the werewolf has switched bodies. These two dipshits have been hanging out at this church for a couple weeks, a couple months. I don't know. They go on easy breezy strolls through the park together. They talk it up constantly. What the fuck are they being paid to do? Is he even a real priest? It just seems like all he does is listen to himself talk. Who's funding the detective to just sit on his ass all day 24-7? It's a mystery. That's the real mystery of the howling. No time for a sermon though. We're back in blood vision. Again, we're moving and looking through the eyes of the werewolf as he's playing a Nintendo virtual boy. You may have to Google that one. This scene was three seconds long. This ride ain't over yet. We're now being treated to a make-out sesh with the hottest couple in Pioneer Town. Ted's cock blocked again, but this time, it's from the girl he's making out with. Spitlan is throwing in the towel and calling it a night. He does the walk of shame home, but he's ambushed on his way. Bad timing from the homophobe as a werewolf is also prowling the streets and takes off. He goes after Ted though. How's Ted gonna get out of this one? Well, it turns out very easily because the werewolf just pushes him. Just does a little shove. Get on my hand. I don't want you. I don't like you. It goes after the other guy. The assailant runs, but trips and falls, presumably because he can't see with all the red in his eyes. That's the chance for the werewolf to strike and strike it does. Oh man. It lunges at him. Eyes first into his chest. Wait, this means Ted wasn't the werewolf after all. Well, now I feel bad that my life has come to this. Watching Howling 7 back at location two of the possible three locations in this flick. The gang learns there's been another attack. The working theory. It's a mountain lion. And just when I think this scary comedy can't possibly top itself, we have the best scene in the film. Just shy of the one hour mark, Howling 7 hits its crescendo. Ted cooks up a mean batch of chili and uncomfortably looks at one of the customers as he enjoys it. After a nice sampling, the customer starts to walk away and wipe out. Ted absolutely loses it as this guy walks away farting, possibly sharding, potentially full blown baby blowout. I did not alter these fart sounds. These are what you get in the film. You smell what the Ted's cooking? Utter perfection. And now I know why this is called the Howling. It's not for the werewolf killing. It's for the nonstop belly aching comedy. Oh man, I'm Howling. I'm laughing so hard. Oh, oh, oh. It's not like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Nothing says loving like chili from the Howling. Oh yes, it's late is night on the ranch and Harriet is about to spill the tea. We cut to a walk and talk where one of Cheryl's friends gives some sage advice. Mountain lions don't attack someone unless they're dead or injured already. I mean, that's just not true. Earlier in the film, Ted called a mysterious woman who didn't have any lines of dialogue and I really didn't know what to think of it so I didn't point it out at the time. But it's clear now she has a bigger role to play. She calls up Father John and this woman must be paid by the minute and they didn't get all the lines out of her they needed to because, well, just listen to the transition between her talking on the phone and then what we hear. Father John here on the other end. Do you remember me? Can you come to my house? I think I can do a more convincing impression of this lady. Can you come to my house? More dancing, more music. It's like I'm watching the Cats movie all over again. I half expect Taylor Swift's pussy to lower down from the rafters on a crescent moon, dropping little flakes of werewolf nip. Two songs play here for the price of dumb. We are slow dancing with Ted and his lady friend Cassandra. We get a tasteful, timeless, beautiful shot of a rug and this is the moment folks we've all been waiting for. Ted is finally going to score. He's going to get a piece and yep, we did it. He spent the night. It happened. Oh my God. Ted is putzing around with his tapes again like he's Dexter doing his blood slides. What is this dude's deal with the tapes? And now he's throwing away a plastic bag containing God knows what. Father John's now at Marie's place. This is a 15-second scene. I clocked it. It's actually 15 seconds long. Cheryl, who is famously known for rummaging around dumpsters, finds that bag that Ted just threw away. And what pre-tell are the contents of this bag? Nothing special really. A couple of wadded up receipts, a newspaper clipping, a bloody t-shirt. A what? Okay, I'm officially freaking the fuck out. Why is there a bloody- This isn't blood on the shirt. It's red paint. Oh, Harriet just said it's paint. It's red paint. Why? Back with Marie and the Priest. We get another backstory. This time it's Marie's turn to tell. She and her husband Richard need to get away from it all. So they head up to a secluded place in the mountains for the weekend, as people do. But it's unfortunately a werewolf colony. Richard was converted to Wolfeism against his will. Marie starts to see him turn into oatmeal. And there is one single cool shot in this entire movie, and it's right here. And it's probably from a different Halloween film all together. This whole backstory, all I keep thinking is, man, it's been several seconds since we've had another shitty country song. I really hope we- Okay, I wrote this song about people my age. Oh, thank howling. We got another one. And the whole town is here for it. Look at this woman. She's here for it. Her hair is out of control. During the music, Ted leaves to grab some brusquies. But upon returning, he hears a familiar voice. His own. They found the tape recordings. They found the memoirs that he's been leaving behind in his little cassette player. And the town is shaken to its very foundation when they find out that Ted has been kind of spying on these people. I can't wait to see how this shakes out later. I'm sure it's going to have a very satisfactory close. At the one hour and seven minute mark, a cop and one of the women enter the cabin. They shut the door and they're transported into a completely different day of filming. It's so awful. I love it. I love it so much. A cop finally shows up and he's crooked as all hell. He takes Ted to some warehouse location and starts kicking the shit out of him for information. Ted's not having it and throws an impressive ken from Street Fighter knee thrust to the jaw. He knocks the cop out, takes off. And when the cop comes back to, it's not Ted, he sees. It's the werewolf. That's right. At one hour and 10 or so minutes, we finally get a werewolf in the present day. That's not shot from Pink Eye Vision. Ted runs back to the cabin and now I can see why those guys at the bar made fun of him earlier. But he stopped by cops again. This time though, it's the detective. And now everything is cleared up. Ted was doing an expose on the town in exchange for cold hard cash. That's why he has all these tapes. He's recording his thoughts. Apparently, Pioneer Town has a bunch of criminals living in it. So it makes for some very salacious news or something. And this isn't how business is done. Last time I checked, but anything goes in the howling, baby. No inspector. No man made jail can stop it. Only death can do that. The priest, however, isn't buying this cockamamie story. So they lock him up for the night. If he turns, don't worry, the cops have silver bullets in their gun. How does the priest know anything about werewolves at all? I've always known the theories of werewolves. Remember Marie Adams that's had 20 seconds of screen time and some really great dubbing? She cashed her last couple pennies because she's been thrown off a balcony and out of the film. The priest and the inspector start to piece it all together and it turns out the real werewolf were the howlings we made along the way. No, the real werewolf in fact is Cheryl. These imbeciles have been looking for the wrong man the whole time because it turns out the werewolf isn't a man at all. It's a strong female lead. And for the howling franchise, it's about time. That's the way I planned it. Now for the final reveal we have all patiently been waiting for, the transformation. Cheryl becomes the she-beast she was born to play. And yes, it's as spectacular as you could have hoped. This transformation is right up there with Mortal Kombat Annihilation's animality sequence. We close in real tight for a elegantly framed up rubber mask shot. But the inspector and Ted knew it was Cheryl somehow this whole time. I'm not really sure how, but it doesn't matter. They bolt out the front door. She's in pursuit. Cheryl smashes through the door and right into our hearts and also right into the entire town who's waiting with fully loaded guns. We cut to the moon and all we hear are gunshots. And since we had a riveting five seconds of action, it's time to wind down with a good old fashioned song. Kind of a perfect way to end it. We get a nice little song. We wrap up some of these story arcs. We're finally going to find out what's going on with the priest secretary. Why is she acting all aloof and strange? We're going to learn if the town's people ever forgive Ted and his mysterious tapes. Ted's relationship with Margareta. What's going to happen with that? Are they going to tie the knots someday? Are we going to see some tiny Ted's running around? And what about all the investigations that are going to take place? There's got to be other towns, secret service. People are going to come and want to know what happened to the werewolf. How are they going to explain all of this to the... Oh, and it's done. Movie's just over. What the fuck is this? I feel like this is howling in name only. It's really nothing more than a jam session for an extended weekend with some friends. They rented out the bar. They wrote a bunch of trash music and they just had a day with it. They just had fun. So howling, the mystery woman, a.k.a. New Moon Rising, ends how it begins. Like shit. This is legitimately one of the worst movies I've ever seen, especially from a production and acting standpoint. It is, however, a very fun movie to make fun of, but I don't think that was the intention here. If you're interested in this movie, I found the full thing on YouTube. But maybe this roast is more than enough. I certainly don't have any intention to watch it ever again or think about it because I might cause myself harm. I want to once again tip the fictitious hat to Life is Good over on Patreon.com slash Adam Does Movies. This channel, primarily these roasts, take a ton of work. I have to watch these awful movies. I write a full script. Typically, I'm taking notes constantly. So I'm pausing, writing, pausing. Then I film it all. I edit it. I find all these clips. Ton of work. So if you could support the channel, support me, a one-man operation with a full-time job and a family, I'd love to keep the hobby going. Head over to patreon.com slash Adam Does Movies. Join a Mithril. Become a Mithril member and you get to even, you know, be part in the roast in some way, shape and form by torturing me with one of the pics. You can also become a member right here on YouTube via the join button. Like the video. Please share the roast. I can't imagine how Lean 7 is trending on YouTube right now. So it needs to be pushed. It needs a little bit of extra help. All right. Take care. I'm going to be. Oh God. What's happening? Oh, I have the sudden urge to line dance.