 Radiant Church presents Radiant Stories, a collection of stories that showcase God's faithfulness to take our hopeless situations and craft them into beautiful testimonies of His power, provision, and love. Surprising us with stuff and our plan is never usually His plan. Yes, absolutely. It's very different. So, speaking of the Lord's plan for your life, I would love to just dive into your background and where you're from and just give us a little background on Veronica. Veronica? Well, to be honest, I'm still figuring that out, but I guess we all kind of are, because we're all moving more towards the image of Christ, so I guess it takes a while. So, I was originally born in the US, but then a year after my birth, my parents moved back to Kenya, which is where they're from. That's where I grew up, and then I came basically to Kalamazoo for school at Western in 2015. So, that's like a bit about my background, yeah. That's great. Did you know what you were going to study when you came here, or did you kind of figure it out when you came? What did you end up studying at Western? So, I've changed my major three times. So, stability hasn't been my thing per se when it comes to like academics and stuff. So, I first did social work in my first year. That was like in South Africa. And then that wasn't really working for me. It wasn't like the place I was meant to be. It just didn't feel like what I wanted to do with my life at the time. So, then after that, when I came to Western, I did communications, and I was like, I'm not sure this is quite for me. So, then I moved to film and media, and that's kind of like what I graduated with. Okay. Yeah. You did your first year in South Africa. What kind of spurred you to come overseas? Was it just purely to come to Western? To be honest, so growing up, like depression wasn't a thing people understood or talked about. I didn't realize for many years that's something I was struggling with. And it was very hard that first year, and I just knew I needed something different. So, it wasn't necessarily like I had this clear path and vision of where I wanted to go. I just knew something wasn't right, and I needed a change. So, that's kind of how I decided to take a break after my first year. And then I just applied here, got in, and I was like, maybe somewhere different might be good. That's kind of how I ended up here. Yeah. So, how do you feel the move did affect sort of your mental state, or I would love to hear some aha moments or maybe even some hardships within the first year that you were here in the U.S., because I totally relate to that. Having depression is something where you just, if you stay in the same rut, in the same place, then there's really no escape. Yeah. So, I feel like doing something so intense and such a leap of faith as like moving overseas to go to school, that's so scary even to do in the midst of something like a full-fledged sort of struggle with depression, is so scary. So, how do you feel like the move did end up affecting sort of your mental state, and what you were struggling with? Okay. So, one of the first things I learned is it doesn't matter where you go, if the world inside of you doesn't change, because you just keep experiencing the same thing just in a different place, you know. So, for me, growing up like going to church was like going to school, kind of had to go, you know, and I remember like my parents just at some point decided, our kids should go for confirmation classes. So, now I was going to school, not just like during the week, but now like weekends too. So, for me, God was always a very religious thing. And so, I had to do the right thing because I was afraid of like God not loving me anymore. But I gave my life to Christ in 2009, but at the time like I didn't really have a direction of what my life should look like. So, nothing really on the outside changed very much about my life. So, in the midst of me growing toward God, and I remember like I would sometimes sleep past midnight on school nights because I was like reading the book of Matthew and John or something like that, but I didn't know how to talk about my problems. And I didn't know that I could, I didn't know how to write to. And so, that's when I was like struggling with, that's when I think my pain and anger and frustration and all of that turned into depression. I just remember in high school just feeling kind of hopeless about it and just, you know, praying to God because I believed that suicide was a sin and if I killed myself and I would go to hell, I was like, well, God, I can't take my own life. So, would you just like make me not wake up tomorrow because I just don't want to do this anymore? I'm still here, so God didn't answer that prayer. But then I remember like my literature teacher. She was like a very vivacious person. I just remember her saying, college are the best years of my life. I'll never forget those four years. And so, I was thinking I can't wait to graduate so my life can finally begin. And so, I graduated and it wasn't anything like she said. I just remember like when I came to Western, I was in the counselor's office and I'm like, what? This is like not what I imagined for my life at all and I was still struggling with the same battles. And that's kind of like about the same time I found Radiant Church. And so, I was like, oh my goodness, I think this is what has been missing from my life, community. And so, I remember like, you know, Pastor Lee would say like every Sunday, guys, don't just rush out of church, you know, get plugged in and all that. So, I was like, maybe this is what I need to do. And so, like I made a new resolution, I would get plugged in and so I did. And then, I remember just like going in there the first day, walking in, I just remember like those, this rush and presence of like peace and just like love and they were so open and accepting. And I was like, oh my goodness, maybe I've been looking for this my whole life. And, you know, week after week, people are getting more and more vulnerable and open and I was just seeing people becoming more free, getting breakthroughs. And I remember like, I was also like being open too, but for me it was the opposite effect. The more I would open up, it's like I was getting sunk, I was like sinking in quicksand. It's kind of like, you know, the more you move about, the more just like drugs you under. That was my experience and I just remember feeling very hopeless about that because at the time I was like, you know, listening to sermons every day. I was waking up and praying for an hour. I was going to every Christian event that was around, I was just like, I'm in community now. God, what is missing from my life? And I think I realized that last year when I went for an event, it's called Jesus 18. It was in Orlando. And I just remember like in the room, I was just, God's presence was there. Like I knew it was there and I was looking around and I was just seeing people like in tears, like weeping, just having all these intimate moments with God and I'm just looking around like, are you kidding me God? Everyone can feel this except me, you know. And after that, there was like an afternoon of evangelism. So like the leader was like talking us through, this is how you go about it. But you know at the end he's like, you know guys, just like remember this at the end of it all. He's like, go out there and love people. And that's when I was like, that's the problem. I can't give people something I don't have. And that's when I realized like, because I'd known God religiously, I was like living this. I was kind of like acting, you know, like acting through life, like learning Christianese like say the right things, do the right things. And I could do that really well too. And it was very scary for me to step back and say I am going to give up people's approval to actually get to know Jesus. So that's basically my story and that's kind of like where I am now. Yeah. That is really, really powerful. I feel like that is something that, especially people that have grown up in a really religious household. I know I kind of grew up in a similar sort of fundamentalist, like very highly religious works over heart type of thing. And that truly is the struggle where you're just doing things for it to be okay so that your parents don't get on your back. Yes. And the relationship came later, which is really, really awesome. You joined a community group. Do you think that kind of kickstarted this whole journey for you on finding out, realizing, becoming sort of self-aware or getting this download from the Lord that, you know what, I don't love myself and I can't give what are, I don't love you in the way that I need to love you so I can't give it to others. Do you feel like that was kind of the kickstarting place once you got into community? I think it had to happen because when you don't know what's wrong with you, you keep thinking, if I get this, kind of like how people seek material things, you keep thinking if I acquire this, then I'm going to be happy, then I'm going to be satisfied. So I think it was a part that had to happen for me to realize there are places inside our souls no one can get to. No matter how loving they are, they can't get in there. It's only God who can get there. And I think as hopeless as that was, realizing that with all the support I had in my life, all the people and all the love, they couldn't fill me up. And it was so crazy. I was just like, it didn't even matter what I did, how much time I spent with God. There was something that only he could do. So I think that had to happen that way for me to actually just let go and let God lead the process. So what are you finding you're doing daily to kind of live in this truth that you've discovered now about yourself where you've found that you can't give if you're not overflowing is really what it is. So what do you do daily? How has your conversation with the Lord changed on a daily basis to sort of foster this growth and to fill you up? Number one is being real. That was very hard. I'd never ever been real before. So for me, it had to start with journaling, just writing and not judging myself, just looking at it and being like, this is what's going on. This is how I feel. And then now transferring that into conversations with people, being able to tell people, I'm not okay. This is not okay. Because I felt like I couldn't do that before. I felt like I would be judged or people would just like, oh, it's just problems. I'm just going to move away. So those were two big steps for me. And as far as my time with God is, I think I can now follow the Holy Spirit's voice without judging myself. I think in my mind before, I was like, this is what prayer time looks like. I'm going to spend X amount of minutes reading the Bible, then X amount of time doing worship, whatever. It was so structured, but now I'm just like, some days God just wants me to listen. Some days God just wants me to cry. Some days God just wants me to read the Word. So just listening to what God is telling me to do in that moment. That's great. What would you say to a young person that might be coming out of where you came out of maybe a little bit more of a religious household, a little bit more fundamental based, that's grown up in the church, but is maybe a little bit shrouded or blinded by religion. What would you say to a young person struggling with that, struggling with finding their own personal relationship with the Lord? No one would say like, in your worst moment, just think that God loves you. That's number one. Number two, I would say, don't judge yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes. As long as you're being authentic and being open, if you think God is asking you to do something differently, don't be so scared of what people are going to think or if people will judge you. But what I've learned is basically our freedom frees other people. And so that's the priority. You need to have the courage and the confidence to explore your freedom in God, taking those things to him. And whatever that looks like, your process, don't judge it, let it happen and let God guide it. I love that. That was a great arc of your story. Thank you so much for actually opening up and being vulnerable about mental health because I feel like we don't talk about it enough in the church. And thank you for being here. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, it was great to talk to you. Thank you so much. These have been radiant stories. This has been Radiant Stories. Click subscribe to get a brand new story delivered to you every Monday. Thank you.