 So today we're gonna talk about six ways to avoid emotionally broken men over 40 years old. Now, let's just get real about emotionally broken men. Emotionally broken men have a very hard time loving. That's right, when someone is broken, it's very difficult for them to actually lean into a healthy happy relationship. It's very difficult for them to lean into love. And I wanna use a story from the movie Ghost of Girlfriend's Past. Does anyone remember this movie with Matthew McConaughey? It's a great story. It mirrors the Christmas Carol where Matthew McConaughey is a quintessential player and he gets visited by three ghosts from his past. And through this experience, there's a love interest. Jennifer Garner, I think is the actress that plays her, that is his childhood sweetheart, and he loses her and stuff like that. And then it's the end of the story, he regains his connection with her. But through this story, we learn why he's become broken. His parents died at a very young age and then he was influenced by his uncle to basically become a player, to use women, to recognize that women don't have any value. This man became very broken through this experience and he had basically a lot of one night stands, okay? So does anyone remember this part of the movie? Okay, so with that, he has a humbling experience being visited by the ghost of past, both ghost of present and the ghost of future. And in this humbling event, he turns his life around and he declares his undying love for Jennifer Garner in the movie, okay? Now this is a movie, doesn't happen like that in real life. In fact, even one singular humbling event isn't enough for someone to change. You see, broken people need healing. Broken people need healing. So I wanna share with you, so for the reason why I said men over 40, it's because a significant percentage of people in midlife are divorced, okay? Roughly, this is anecdotally on my part, but roughly 75% of singles over the age of 45 are most likely divorced and divorce is an incredibly traumatic experience for many people. So coming back to the story of Matthew McConaughey, he had this childhood wound of losing his parents and then he was influenced by his uncle Michael Douglas to become a player, okay? And then imagine if he had gotten married and went through a divorce, another traumatic experience in one's life. See, broken people have a very difficult time loving. This is true for men, this is true for women as well. Now when we use the word broken, I wanna be clear because that doesn't, I don't wanna victimize that person in any way or suggest that there's anything wrong with them or bad about them. It just simply illustrates that there's a broken part within this person, there's a broken part, a hurting part, a part that needs true healing, okay? Without this healing, it's gonna be very difficult for this person or any person to love if they haven't done the prerequisite work to heal. And by the way, I'm speaking to those of you that are watching this video. Many of you are broken in some way, shape or form and you have a difficult time to love or worse, you attach yourself because there's this thirsty need to be loved that you attach yourself to a broken person who's incapable of loving. How did I start this conversation? Broken people have a very hard time loving or broken people attach themselves because they have a very hard time loving themselves. I'm gonna repeat that, they have a very hard time loving themselves and I'm probably talking to you that's watching this. This is one of the reasons why I wrote my book, What the heck a Self-Love? Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Alpha and Spiritual Work. I'm only laughing because yeah, I'm making a pitch for my book. There's a link below to get all of Jonathan recommends books in the description. See, when we operate from a more, a love cup that's filling, there's no such thing as fully loving yourself. It's impossible. It probably happens maybe the last seven seconds of life. We go, ah, I love myself and then I die, okay? And I'm saying that tongue in cheek, it's a journey. So coming back to the journey Matthew McConaughey went, he went through these experiences of the ghost of past, the ghost of present, the ghost of future. And yes, he has an aha moment, but we have to go deeper because it takes a lot of individual work to heal those wounds. And yet sadly, many of you ladies are finding yourself attached to one of these men. And then I'm here to offer some suggestions of what not to do going forward so you don't find yourself with another broken man. So I want to be clear, what I'm about to share, I actually gleaned from Stefan Speaks's channel. He did the five ways to avoid emotionally broken men. I'm doing the six ways to avoid emotionally broken men over 40, but I'm sharing with you that I got this content from him. Now I'm to have my own twist on it. So I want to make sure I give him his props, but I'm going to give you my twist on this because we all have different interpretations on how to take this information. And I want you to stay for the sixth piece because this one is critically important that wasn't discussed on his channel, okay? Or at least I didn't hear it. So let me be clear, if it was discussed, I didn't hear it. So the first one, he states to show your most loving and positive self, to show your most loving positive self. I love this one, but let me tell you why I love this. Emotionally broken men get scared. They get scared when you are showing your positive, most loving self. See, they can't handle that. They might temporarily, let me be clear. You have to recognize ladies in the hunt phase of the early stage of dating, those first 100 hours, those first 100 hours of getting to know someone. I want you to know that men, by the way, you've heard it before, I'm going to say it again. Men love the hunt, men love the chase, men need to chase you. But you have to be clear, what are they chasing? They're chasing the physical aspects of a relationship. So you can't, what I'm about to share doesn't count right before sex. What matters is right after sex. And it really matters, and so when you begin to show your most loving positive yourself after you've been physically intimate with a man, a broken man will start to pull away. A broken man will start to communicate less. A broken man will most likely end the relationship because they can't go any deeper than the surface. Now, I know you're probably saying, well, Jonathan, how do I avoid broken men? We'll talk about that towards the end, okay? Broken men are actually rather easy to spot, which I will talk about that. Let me make a note, spotting emotionally broken men, broken men. Okay, number two, don't be afraid to ask for your needs to be met. Don't be afraid to ask for your needs to be met. A broken person is unable to meet your needs because they are so broken that they can only fill their own cup up usually with companionship from you. Okay, so what do broken men want? They want companionship on their terms. They want connection on their terms. They want sex on their terms. What they can't give you is your needs, your need for connection, your need for closeness, your need for reciprocity, your need for verbal validation within the relationship. A broken person is unable to meet those needs. So you must be, first, you have to be willing to ask for your needs. But Jonathan, I'm told that I'm just supposed to lean back in my feminine energy and let the man lead. Folks, the whole point of being in relationship is to get needs met, okay? Now, I'm not talking about needs you can't get outside of yourself, okay? Or let me reframe that to getting, okay. I'm talking about your needs within a relationship, not your need for love, okay? If you are coming from a needy place because you need something within you that you can't fill within yourself, then you've got to work on yourself in that capacity. I'm talking about the needs for closeness, the need for verbal validation. But if you're lacking in those places, and I'm talking about within the context of a relationship, okay, within the context, listen, I want you to visualize this. There's a you, there's a me, but there's a relationship. It is a separate entity. And quite frankly, the minute the penis goes inside the vagina ladies, you have every right to make the relationship a separate entity and to have communication and dialogue within the separate entity. Now it might feel like you're taking from that other person, but that means they're not giving to the separate entity. They're already broken, they're taking from you and not replenishing the entity. Is this making sense? Please let me know if that makes sense. Okay, number three, you must have an accountability partner in your life when it comes to romantic love. And what I mean to say is you need to have somebody, whether it's a coach like myself or a real trusted friend, to keep your feet on the ground, to keep you grounded, okay? Without it, you will find yourself subject, you could easily find yourself falling in love with a broken man, and then it's too late. It's important to have support people in your life. I remember a Facebook, female Facebook friend of mine, years ago, we connected a couple of times. She lived in another state, so it didn't turn into anything romantic. And then I saw on her Facebook page, she got married. She met someone that madly in love and got married. And within nine months, she got divorced in an almond. So I reached out to her, what happened? She said, oh my God, I married a nightmare. She said now, and my friends all told me, warned me after we got engaged, that I should avoid this guy. My friends told me after I got engaged, I should avoid this guy. See, her friends witnessed this man's behavior, and sure enough, because she was clouded, she took red flags and painted it green, she had her rose-colored glasses on, that she didn't see the warning signs. See, it's important, and by the way, she told me the warning signs were there from the beginning, she didn't have any support in her life to hold her feet to the ground. It's important to have a support team. Now she calls it her committee. Any man, and by the way, she subsequently has met a man and gotten married, but he had to go through the committee, okay? It's important to have a committee in your life, to have an inner circle, or maybe a coach like me. Okay, and by the way, I'll link right here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you, because I am like the big brother. Listen, if I could be there on the first date, I'd have the shotgun pointed at the guy's head and say, what's your intentions with my little sister? In fact, I've had clients ask me to speak to their boyfriends, to speak to the boyfriends, to have conversations with them, because much like a father figure, a big uncle, big brother, that sort of thing, I'm here to support you. So again, there's a link below. Okay, number four, wait to have sex. Okay, broken men usually are pushing sex very quickly, okay? Remember I said it 100 hours earlier? It takes about 100 hours of face-to-face time just to build the first layer of trust. Now, I'm not suggesting you have to wait 100 hours to have sex, okay? But what I will say is it takes about 100 hours of face-to-face time, experiencing a person in different circumstances. For example, spending time with family, spending time with friends, maybe traveling together, maybe going to a concert together, maybe going to restaurants and eating, doing a variety of different experiences, maybe playing pickleball together, maybe playing, going stand up paddle board, which I can look out my window and see. All of these experiences is part of your due diligence process to see how somebody operates. Now, I recognize that we all have foibles in our lives. I'll be candid with you. I am not necessarily the best. I shared this in a previous video at travel. And so if someone witnessed me going berserk like I do, because I have a fear of being in other countries, being places where I don't feel safe. It's just something that's been literally imprinted from my father and mother. I'm working on it. I'm aware of it. The difference is I'm aware of my issues, my foibles, my red flags and insecurities. I discuss this with people upfront. So when you're witnessing a person in different circumstances, environments, see in my case, you would know about it upfront. But in most cases, you're witnessing a person and how they operate in the world gives you a lot of clues how they will operate in relationship. And the fact that I know my shit means when I would deal with this in relationship as well. I'm just, I'm trying to give you, I'm not here to tout myself. I'm just here to kind of give you an understanding of the difference between someone that knows their stuff versus those that are unconscious of their stuff. And broken people are usually very unconscious to their negative patterns, their limiting beliefs. And quite frankly, their incapacity to fully give themselves in relationship. And that was number four, wait to have sex with these guys. Broken men usually want sex quickly. And they won't stick around usually speaking. There are the guys that will wait and wait and wait, but this is where you have to do what I'm about to share with you in a few minutes. Okay, number five, don't ever give money to a man. Any man that asks a woman for money, that guy's broken. But Jonathan, he just, he's traveling out of the country and he needs $600 from me so he can get his passport filled at the embassy so he can come back and see me. Folks, that's a guy you've never met before. That's called a scam artist, okay? Ladies, don't give money to men who haven't earned it in relationship. Broken people usually have chaos in their life beyond their emotional brokenness. They also have chaos in their personal life, their professional life. The ground underneath them doesn't feel solid. Please don't give money to someone who hasn't earned it from the perspective of, he's been a giver in the relationship because broken men will be our takers. They take from you emotionally, they take from you physically and they take from you financially as well. And last but not least, number six, okay? Don't be his mom or therapist. One of our members tonight mentioned that right from the beginning. Don't be his mom or therapist. Guess what? Remember I said divorce, we have a significant percentage of divorced people. Well, guess what? A lot of them are emotionally traumatized and what they do is they latch on to someone emotionally speaking as being their mom or therapist to help them get through this. They're not cognitively, consciously choosing to do this. This is a byproduct of their brokenness. This is a byproduct of their brokenness. Please avoid bonding with someone through your mutual traumas. Usually broken people are attracted to broken people. Like, I mean, there's a broken part of you that's attracted to their broken part and you bond together oftentimes. This is a different version of trauma bonding through your individual woundedness. So this is not my job to give you a therapy session here. You've got to figure out your stuff on your own. But I'm here to say, don't be his mom and don't be his therapist. So how do you spot these people? Very quickly. The life, they don't have their act together. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. They don't have their act together. They're either going through a contentious divorce or they have a contentious relationship with their ex or they have issues going on in their professional life or maybe they've got drama going on within their children or a family member. It's all chaos. Listen, right after my divorce, I was a train wreck. I was such a broken person. This is why I know of this. And women, you ladies are these beautiful creatures. You will nurture us broken people. I have a quick story to share with everyone. I had a woman, I have my first relationship after my divorce. She said to me, and I quote, Jonathan, this is like, I think after our third date, she said, Jonathan, I have to date you with rose-colored glasses. And I go, why? She goes, you're not ready for a relationship. You're a mess. I said, no, I'm ready. I'm so ready for a relationship. I'm so ready, ready, ready. Following month was Christmas. And this is what she gave me as a Christmas present. I don't know if you can tell what that is, but that is rose-colored glasses, okay? Rose-colored glasses. She gave this to me as a gift. I mean, this was 17 years ago. Sure enough, three months into the relationship, I ended the relationship. By the way, you can see it again, rose-colored glasses. I ended the relationship. I said, I wasn't ready for a relationship. You know what I did? After we ended it, I was back online. I knew I wasn't ready, but I still was so broken that I didn't have the balls to get the help I needed to work on myself. It took me years before I worked on myself. It was my dating. Now, the irony of this, the irony of all this was the dating was my crutch, but it ended up becoming my pathway to doing what I'm doing today. And that's helping people spot those emotionally broken men. And now I'd like to think I've healed from that. But isn't that the sweetest gift? Rose-colored glasses. To this day, we're still friendly to each other on Facebook. We've gotten together a couple of times over the years. All right, so remember these six ways to avoid an emotionally broken man over 40 years old. And I hope you found value in this conversation. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. If you did find value in this, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos as well. All right, those who know my format, it's time for Q&A. If you have a question, write the word question and post the question thereafter or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All of the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of Salty right there. He passed away over six years ago and his honor I donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. I'd love to collect $50 tonight, $50 tonight. So let's donate some money for Connor, okay? It would really mean a lot to me, especially during the holidays. I'd love to give some money away. All right, so I saw a question that popped up earlier. Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. Lee had a question she said. She said, she said, why is it when you repeatedly ask everyone to ask a question, they keep sending you statements? Come on girls, what's the problem? Oh, I think you're addressing. See, that's an interesting observation. So let me just say this. We humans feel the need to tell the story. Tell the story. So a lot of times when I say ask a question, you wanna tell the story, okay? So a question might be, why are men emotionally unavailable? That might be a question, okay? Now you might have a story associated with it that you would tell after asking the question to give more context. So I think humans have this almost innate need to wanna just tell the story, make a statement, give you the report. Let me give you the report. Here's the accident, let me give you the report, okay? I just noticed that that happens frequently. And women, oh my God, you ladies, you have a propensity to say in 10,000 words, what we men can only hear in 10 words. You oftentimes go on and on and on and on. You gotta give every detail. I think Alison Armstrong calls it your berry picking, the way you have to pick every little detail out. We're like, just give us the fucking, just give us the, like remember on drag net, give us the facts, ma'am, just the facts. Okay, travel goddess is in the house. Do you agree that women are wired to attach to a man we are having sex with? We need to be more protective of our sexuality while getting the know a guy. So yes, I am familiar with something called oxytocin, which is a bonding agent or bonding chemical that bonds us to people we have physical intimacy. Now, women experience this 10-fold greater than men. However, as men age, our testosterone levels drop, our estrogen levels increase, and we actually begin to bond a little bit more as we turn in our 50s and 60s. So that is a little bit slight difference versus men in their 20s. However, yes, women bond through physical intimacy. Also women, I think have a innate attachment to, I think women are throughout, I mean, I'm thinking cave people up into, so cave people are 200,000 years ago, Neanderthals. So I think for 200,000 years, women have been dependent upon men for survival. So I think there's almost a instinctual bonding that happens that's cave-like than it is cognitively today because women are able to support themselves. So I think there's also an instinctual part as well as the oxytocin. That's my supposition anyway. By the way, if anyone wants to join the hot seat, here's a link to join me live. We had a lively group last time. It'd be fun to have that group again. So if you have a question and you want to ask me directly, um, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. Oh, let's keep going. If you have a question, write the word question and then post the question there after. Okay, here's Anna-Lee or Miss Michelle. How to be friends with an emotionally broken man without crossing boundaries? If you're both are married. Oh, well, you have to establish what kind of friendship are you looking for? So I always think of friendship like this. I like the Jerry Seinfeld way of looking at it. Would they move furniture for you? There was the baseball player, Keith Hernandez on. Excuse my slurping. So what is a friend? Are we talking about an emotional support person? Are we talking somebody that'll drive you to the airport? Are we somebody that will help you move furniture? What kind of friend are you talking about? I suspect in your particular case you're asking about an emotional support person. Okay, this is a very slippery slope to get into because what happens is my friend, Dr. Sherry Myers, talked about this in her book, Chatting or Cheating. And in her book, Chatting or Cheating, she talks about something called emotional sex. Emotional sex. This is what happens when you have a friend of the, I'm talking heterosexual people where you have two people are friends. They begin having an emotional support with one another. They start having emotional sex and then it turns into physical intimacy. So if two people are married, here's the bottom line on the question. Would you be willing to tell your respective spouses that you're friends with this person? If you are not willing to tell your spouse, then you have no business becoming friends with that person. If you're already friends with that person, then you should be transparent about your communication with this friend to your spouse. Otherwise, you're cheating in my perception. Just you're not cheating yet, but you are. So that's my perception on that one. Heidi's in the house. Do you think a lady can ride out a broken man until it ends and could lead into a lifetime of love? Ah, Heidi, the bodies are buried from here to the moon. 250,000 miles away. There's that many bodies piled up of every woman that held out for a broken man. While there are always the exception to the rule, it's a 1-tenth of 1% exception. You know what the definition of insanity? Getting involved with a broken man, expecting them to change. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm sorry, that's insanity on my part. So anyway, that's my perception on that one. But hey, people are, by the way, do you know why I'm sometimes a bit bombastic? I'm sometimes righteous. I'm sometimes gregarious. It's because human behavior, myself included, is so fucking funny. It's funny how stupid we are. It is so fucking funny how stupid we are. You see, here's the thing. I want you to imagine when we were little kids and we saw fire at the camp yard and we go, ah, pretty, let me touch it. Our parents are like, no, no, no. See, most of us are emotional children. We see a broken person. Oh, it's so pretty, it's fire, let me touch it. Ow, fuck, I got burned. I need plastic surgery from this. That's how fucked up we humans are. And we know better. We know better. We ask our friends, they tell us we're being stupid, but we don't listen. Anyway, Aurora's in the house. If a man has deep emotional, intimate relationship with a woman, how could his romantic partner ever feel safe? What's the purpose? Yeah, if a man has deep friendship with a woman, how could her, the thing is, if you're being secretive, there's no way to feel safe in a relationship. Let's say you're a male and you have a female therapist, there's already an inherent boundary established there. There's no boundaries when we have emotional, intimate relationships with someone outside of our marriage, unless you have full absolute transparency with one another. That's just my, I think that's the way I interpret your question. Zen says, J.A., you're radiant and red, thank you, I appreciate that. Zen says, do you believe that man and woman can be friends without benefits? Absolutely, I have, look it. I have a plethora of female friends. I am grateful for female friends. If it wasn't for my female friends, I don't think I'd be, have the emotional IQ I have. I just happen to have boundaries. No, I'm pig, I still wanna have sex with everybody, but I know how to control my penis, okay? So I don't think most people, that would be difficult for them to do, but it's not impossible to do. And I will say that I have female friends and I had female friends, so it's absolutely possible. Okay, anyway, thank you. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, the bodies are buried from here to the moon. Let me tell you, that's how big it is or how high up it goes. Lee is back in the house. What do you say about a man who was treated like crap by his ex-wife and then was cheated on by her but still willing to stay in the relationship and was devastated when she left? Standing up for ourselves, okay, so there's a loyalty that he most likely had within the marriage and we have to give, we have to certainly commend a person for being loyal to a marriage, hopefully especially if there's children, okay? With that said, he's compromising himself and his needs in the relationship, okay? So let me read that again, willing to stay in the relationship was devastated when she left. Well, she left, so what do I say about it? Well, he gets to start over, but I guarantee you, he's gonna, okay, guys who have been cheated on and the amount of experience, he's gonna be hugely broken, but Jonathan, I can save him. I'm not gonna be like his wife. Trust me, this guy is broken and he's gonna need a shitload of work before he's really ever capable. By the way, let me be clear about something. He is very capable of a transactional relationship. Most everybody is in a transactional relationship. You do something, I do something. It's a transaction, okay? But I guarantee you that transaction will blow up because he lacks most likely the emotional health to deal with the complexities of a relationship. Relationships are very complex. It requires, there's pain, there's uncertainty and there's work. I don't like, by the way, in the more far apart two people are, the more pain, the more uncertainty, the more work. The closer two people are aligned, the less pain, the less uncertainty, the less work. But every relationship is gonna have a level of pain, a level of uncertainty, a level of work. And it's constant work. And the work is on yourself. I actually took this from the Netflix special Stutz, S-T-U-S-T, S-T-U-T-Z. It's Jonah Hill's therapist. It's a great special on Netflix, but he talks about pain, uncertainty and constant work. So I'm applying it to this situation. Can a broken man from an abuse of ex-wife become healthy again and positive with women? Absolutely, absolutely it's positive. I would say it's gonna take a minimum of 1,000 hours of therapy, of some sort of therapeutic healing. Okay, I just made up an arbitrary number, but I really wanted to say 3,000 hours. I wanna make it a big, gigantic number because you guys, if he goes to a Tony Robbins seminar and Tony Robbins puffs up his chest and says you're healed, it's not gonna work that way, okay? It's gonna require some heavy duty lifting. And remember I said earlier, work, work, work, work. It's gonna take a lot of work. But Jonathan, I see a little bit of hope. Unless he's doing the work, it's gonna be very problematic. Addiction to my previous question. Addition to my previous question. I don't know what your addition is. Okay, do broken men stay monogamous? Yeah, I mean, some yes, some no. It's not fun being with a broken guy just because he's monogamous doesn't mean that he's a good catch, okay? Cupcake said I watched Stutz Monday night after you talked about it. Yeah, I'd seen it on Sunday. It is brilliant, brilliant. So check it out, folks. Let's go back here. Ms. Michelle says, will the broken man in trauma bond marriage with his kids ever heal is divorce a solution? Even, listen, divorce only removes you from another person that might be triggering you. Doing personal development, self-help, and spiritual work is the critical component to do the healing if somebody has been wounded, has had childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas in their life. Hey, it looks like we've got a guy in the house. So, John, welcome. Hello, how are you, Jonathan? Good, thank you. So you've got a topic of broken men. And I will say I was in the best relationship of my life for a few years and she passed back in March. And I, about the six month mark after her passing, I kinda checked in with myself, am I ready to date yet? And my almost immediate response to that was, no, I'm not. So, which is perfectly fine. I understand I'm not ready yet. When was this? When did she pass away? Back in March of this year. Of this year, okay, God, God, God, yeah. March, April, May, June, July, September. Okay, got it. So I'm not ready to date again yet, but I was, I kind of wanted to just go out and go to dinner with somebody with no romantic intentions, just I wanna feel kinda normal again. And I kinda hear your voice inside my head saying, you're just looking to find a therapist and I don't have any intentions of talking about her, but I just wanna hear your opinion on, can I convey that to a woman that I am not looking for romance? I just wanna have a meal. Is that possible to convey correctly? Okay, so where are you gonna meet these women or this woman? Boy, so I do a lot of social dancing. So maybe from that community, but I've also been thinking maybe online dating, but just making it clear that way. Okay, so well, one of the members just put on here, just really quickly, beach lover says, go on Bumble and check the box that says BFF. This means looking for a friend, okay? So that's certainly one avenue. Okay, so the reason why I asked you that question is if you were going on a dating site to meet someone, there's the pretense that you're there looking for a relationship. Now some of the, so Bumble, hinge to name a few now has a box casual open situationship. So you can actually check the box that you're looking for and you could clearly state upfront where you're at. That's one option. I know there was a time right after, there was a woman I connected with but there wasn't a love connection per se. But I said, hey, can I take you out to dinner? I mean, my treat, I wanted to be clear. I'd like to take you out. We're just going out as friends. And we ended up socializing, hanging out for a little bit. The reason why it wasn't a love connection was she was planning on moving and there were some things that wasn't a good fit for us. But she ended up becoming for a short lived period of time somebody I was, I wanna be careful with the word friends but friendly with each other. And it was good company. But there was, there was, it was very upfront. So A, you can absolutely do that. Okay, there's nothing wrong with that. Women in your swing group or whatnot. Now, women sometimes though, here's where it gets tricky. You set a boundary, we're just friends, but they hear if I stick it out long enough that can change, you know? So this women have a propensity of turning that around and going, well, I've got a good catch here. Let me see if I can, you know, snag them kind of thing. So you have to be mindful of that. And I've had that happen a few times. Okay, so with that said, let's talk about your healing. So how long were you in a relationship with her? It was about three or four years. Okay. So- Best relationship of my life. Yeah. Well, that fucking sucks. I mean, not that part, but I mean, that she passed. Was it quick or did it happen over a long period of time? She had cystic fibrosis, but the end was, she was in hospice for the last two weeks at home. Okay, so it actually happened rather quickly. It wasn't a long front, front. Yeah, the very end came quickly. Yeah. Okay, okay. By the way, I see some questions come in just in case there's something that, if you guys wanna add something for John, let me know in the box there. Okay, so here's the thing about readiness. I suspect you are absolutely ready to be partnered with someone. Okay, so, and I want you to understand this. I suspect that just my gut sense about you is that you're ready to be partnered with someone. What I also suspect is you're not ready to open yourself emotionally to someone. So there's a difference, okay? You're absolutely capable of being in a significant relationship. You just may not be ready to open up to someone unless there's trust been built. So even in these, maybe in this casual environment of connecting with people and spending some time with them, trust might have been built so then you feel more open to be more vulnerable to someone. So that's certainly a possibility. Now coming back to the therapist piece and only because you brought it up. You know, I've made some beautiful female friends over the years through online dating, okay? In fact, my dearest best friend, her name is Tammy, I've known her 18 years. It was never romantic. We just hit it off as friends and we've been there for each other through thick and thin over the years and it's great to have a female friend in your life that you can talk about shit with, okay? But that was developed over a long period of time. That didn't happen overnight. Do you have any people in your life, real confidence in your life? I do not, I'm fairly introverted and I had put kind of all my eggs in this woman's basket, I guess you could say. No, and that's very common. I mean, I would say my father's only emotional support person was my mother and that was 70 years that they were together before she passed away. So, I mean, that's a very common thing. Most men do not have, our male friends are not our emotional support group, okay? So, how old are you, John? I am 55. Okay, 55, you're still a youngster, okay? You got plenty of life left in you, okay? A good third, my dad's 98. So, we'll say you have another 43 years left in you, okay? So, be very transparent, upfront, okay? That's the most important thing, whether it's those people in the swing group or whether you do use online dating. We got a bunch of women here that will most likely just say, hey, I'd like to meet you, John, because good men, they feel like good men are hard to find. I always say it's raining great men if you watch my channel. So, yeah, I would try a bumble or hinge, be upfront on the box that says relationship status or try bumble that has a BFF category. The dance place is a great place to, I would say I would just stick with that. Oh, another thing, do you by any chance have any bit of a voice in you? Can you do karaoke? I can hold a tune, yeah. You know what? My son goes to does karaoke and I mean, he's got lines of women lined up afterwards, all wanting to meet him. It's a great way to connect because it's fun, it's social, it's very non-intrusive. I would check that out. Someone just mentioned Facebook dating has a best friend category, I guess, so there's that too. But most important, what are you doing to heal? Well, eat. Hey everybody, check out the link below to get my book. Yeah, oh, thank you, I just love that. Let's do it at the same time. Oh, I'm honored you got my book. You know, you've gone through a big loss. I'm big gigantic loss. You had an amazing relationship that is such a gift. And so you do need time to grieve and you probably go through the process of grieving, the different variations of it. And grieving is a never-ending experience. It's just, does it hold a charge for you? I was surprised at how the grief just, I thought it was gonna be a slow decline, but it's just kind of like, boom, boom. No, it's roller coaster, yeah, it's like this, you know. And as you could tell when reading my book because I share about the loss of my son. So it's, and it's gonna come in waves too at different times, but most important, I suspect you are absolutely capable of being in a relationship. I just suspect you're probably not ready to open yourself up emotionally. So you know the old saying, if you put a frog in a boiling pot of water, it's gonna jump out. But if you put it in a little bit of simmering water, you know, little hot water and turn up the heat it will, you know, cook on the inside. My point being is little by little, do the individual work, watch the podcast, read the books, maybe talk to a therapist and go out there and socialize and you'll be in a much better place. I guarantee you within a year of her passing, you're gonna mean a lot. You're probably in a better place now than you were six months ago. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Hey, thanks for watching my channel. It's nice to get guys in the group. What do you think? Just, okay, just from a guy's perspective and I want you to talk to the women here. What do you think of the advice I give to women? I think it's very good. I'm not the horn dog that you seem to say that all men are. I don't say all men, I just say a lot of men. So let's differentiate. So I kind of like, okay, he was probably after sex but in a lot of situations I wouldn't have been after sex. But, you know, I've kept watching your channel because it's nice to get an insider's view as to what women are looking for and what women should be looking for. So it's nice to know what they're looking for so it can be, you can make sure you try to fulfill that. Yeah, well, thank you, I appreciate that. Well, I always give everybody a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug. Can I give you one? Sure, yes. All right, John, thanks for being on. I appreciate it. Thank you. All right. So anyone else want to get on the hot seat? That was a lot of fun. Folks, you see, when I say there are good men out there my suspicion is John's a really good guy. We gotta give him a lot of props for being vulnerable, sharing his truth, and particularly his ability to be vulnerable, authentic and transparent. And my suspicion for him, and like any one of you out there is when you do the individual work that I tout so frequently on my channel, you're just gonna find that you're gonna be more at inner peace. That's what self-love is all about. It's a vaccination to emotional chaos. Anyway, okay, that's enough pontificating on my part. Let's go through and see who has questions. By the way, come on, donate some money tonight. We gave some really good stuff today. So hit that little dollar sign and let's donate some money tonight. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Let's see what we've got here. Caitlin. Jonathan, why is my boyfriend calling me insecure and controlling because I wanted him to introduce, I want him to introduce my son in his profile pic. My current pic is just me and him. Well, did you share why that was important to you? Okay, I can understand that if someone tells me to do something without emphasizing the importance of it, then that would feel insecure and controlling to me. If you share why it means something to you, then that's a little bit different. But I would say someone tells me, that's motherly action. Someone tells me what I'm supposed to do. I'm just telling you how I would interpret that and it's possible he interpreted that. So why is it important for you? And if it's not, if he doesn't feel the same way, that's okay too. He just may not be ready and he should share why it's not important to him. But his actions might be because of the tone you told it to him. That's my speculation anyway, okay? Hey, Claire just gave us a $20 super sticker. That means we're only $30 away from our $50 goal and we only got 10 more minutes. So let's, oh right, we just got another $10 in the house. Beach Lover just wants to tell John he had five women volunteer to keep him company. Okay, John, if you're watching this right now, go back and scroll and make notes of maybe put your contact info in there so you can get introduced to some of these women. You've got a ton of ladies that would be all over. Look at Lucky John, five. All right, we need $20 more tonight. All right, let's see if you have any questions for him. Who else wants to go on the hot seat before we wrap up? And by the way, Yusuf says, Jonathan, you're a lucky guy, I agree. All right, let's keep going here. I have to scroll, okay. Wait, Donna. I live in a small ski town, not interested in online. Two draining and most live elsewhere anyway. Had done my healing work last relationship ready to date but I do, but do I need to move? You know, I don't know if you need to move but I will say folks, this is just a really obvious statement I'm about to make. If you want to be asked out on the date, you have to be seen. Somebody has to see you first and foremost. Next, they have to know that you're available. Second, you know, they have to know you're available. Third, they have to be attracted to you. Okay, so that's just the obvious truth. Online dating cuts through a lot of that, you know, cuts through the, okay. I used to live in a condo complex before I moved into this condo. 500 people in the complex. The love of my life could have just been in the condo right across from me. I didn't know she exists. I mean, I'm just speculating here. There's greatest person in life could be literally 500 feet away and you wouldn't know it because they don't know you exist. You have to be seen to be asked out on a date. That's just kind of law of, you know, the law of life 101. All right, let's keep going here. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Has anyone got a question? Yusuf says, I want to talk about Africa relationship. I don't know what that is. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Well, it looks like we got a bashful group. Okay, we're gonna wrap up quickly if you don't have any questions for me. All right, post the word question and write the question thereafter. Even if you have a personal, all right, let's talk about the bachelor. Okay, I'm gonna wrap up with the bachelor. The golden bachelor, excuse me. So the finale is tomorrow night. The finale is tomorrow night. We find out if it's Leslie or if it's Teresa. Okay, now I have Hulu, so I won't find out until Friday morning. So I have to wait. I'm doing a sound bath meditation tomorrow night. So I'm gonna avoid, I'm gonna do my best to avoid looking at the spoilers, okay? But my guess is, my guess is Teresa. I'm betting on it to be Teresa. I'm not saying I want her to win or Leslie to win. I'm just saying, I think that's who he's going to pick. They have the, they're both, they both lost their spouse. So I think they have that in common. I think, you know, it's hard to say. I like Leslie. I think, you know, God, it's so hard to say. I think, but I think Teresa is gonna be the winner. You know, do I think it's gonna work out? Nope. I think she lives, okay, now here's my prediction, okay? Well, either one of them. I think, you know, the challenge with this little experiment is I believe Teresa lives in New Jersey. He lives in Indiana, I believe. And he wants to be near his grandchildren. She wants to be near her grandchildren. I don't see how they're going to make it work. You know, folks, you know, I'm against long distance dating, there's a difference, long distance relationship versus long distance dating. I'm against long distance dating because most people don't have the resources, the wherewithal or the intentionality to make it into a relationship, okay? So their relationship is gonna be most likely if she'll move to him, but then she's gonna be Jonesing to be with her grandkids. She wants to be a grandma. She's 70 years old. I think, or isn't she 70 years old? She's gonna wanna be with her grandkids. I just see it really hard for that to work out. I'm not suggesting it can't work out, but it's gonna be very difficult. Plus, you know what? There's a celebrityism thing going on for him right now. I mean, as soon as, like what may happen is, I'm just speculating here, they're gonna go on a whirlwind tour for a while, being on all the talk shows because this was a big deal for ABC to have a golden bachelor because it draws attention to the biggest demographic of singles out there, the over 50 category. I mean, and we're talking about the population of singles now outweighs the population of married people. That's how fucked up it is, okay? So I think it was brilliant on their part. I think they're gonna milk it with Jerry. Gary, what's his name? Gary, God, you know what? His name doesn't make sense. It's Jerry. It's not Gary. It's Jerry. Okay? Or what is it now? Gary, Jerry. Oh God, I'm sorry. It's like, I can't even remember now. So convoluted the way his name is spelled. Anyway, so it's gonna be interesting to see, listen, this is drama. This is television. It's all designed to get you to buy whatever product that's on television. But it's fascinating at the same time. It draws attention to the demographic of those of us in midlife. That's the biggest demographic of single people right now. And it also says life doesn't end when you turn 70. So really quickly, I'm gonna end on this note. My ex-wife's mother was I think 62 years old and she met a widower who was 70 some 30 years ago. They got married. They were together for 23 years before he passed away. He passed away at 93. She's 88 now and she's pretty close to transitioning as well. Passed away a couple of years ago. My point in bringing this up is he had 23 more years of a life that he had a fabulous life with her. She was 62. He was 70, I think approximately the ages. She had a wonderful 23. She had 23 better years with him than she did her first husband. So we are those of us who are in that, you know, baby boom, Gen X category, we got plenty of years left in us. Okay, we're gonna take this one last question. Mary Ann says, personal question, if you were on The Bachelor, how would you deal with dating multiple women when you say you prefer to concentrate at one one at a time? See, I wouldn't do the show. I mean, that's, I just wouldn't do the show. If they, I mean, if they offered me, you know, a million dollars to do the Golden Bachelor, yeah, I'd probably do it because I'd like to give that money to my son. But I wouldn't do the show. I'm not big on, well, technically he's not dating them. I mean, even though they are, it's not dating in the traditional sense. But then what happens when you come down to the fantasy suites and the regular bachelor, I mean, he's sleeping with two or three women. You know, I just don't find that very cool. You know, that's just my feeling on it. So anyway, that's just my two cents on it. All right. Cupcake says, what a wonderful life to have. Let's all hope we're lucky enough to have a fulfilled life like that. I mean, we're talking about my ex-mother-in-law, absolutely. Rose says, I don't like Teresa. She had the first one on one with Gary and they were, she was bragging on the women that she was gonna be the winner. You know what? Yeah, you know what? I think a lot of that was, they took parsed out what she was saying. I think she just was very excited after that first one on one date. It was probably to some deal, one of the most magical things she ever had. So I don't falter for that. That's just my speculation on it. McCoy says, why is he proposing so darn early? It's a TV show. They don't actually get married. But you know what? Okay, I want you to think about this. I thought about this when, was it Ariana Grande that was with Pete Davidson? I can't remember if that was her. They got engaged after dating for three weeks. And I just want you to think about this for a second. You know what an engagement says? I'm making a commitment to you. It also says it's our time to get to know one another deeper. I like declaring something sooner rather than later, at least a commitment to explore the significance of a relationship. I'm a big proponent of that, not necessarily after getting engaged, but declaring something like my dating vows folks, like my dating vows, okay? Folks, I'm gonna read my dating vows. By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of my dating vows. I like declaring something. I, Jonathan, agree to explore the process to get to know you with the intent to declare something serious within three to six months. I, Jonathan, agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together. I agree to not actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process, including taking down our dating profiles. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting or disappearing. And I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you. Folks, I think when two people like each other and they wanna have physical intimacy, whether it's an engagement or not, it's a declaration of intent. And that's the way I look at it, okay? That's my two cents. All right, listen, I've got a webinar to do tonight for my group called Midlife Love Mastery. If you wanna check out this group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis, check out the link below to Midlife Love Mastery. Also, if you wanna schedule a discovery call with me, check out the link below to schedule a discovery call with me to follow me on Instagram, to get my dating vows, to get my book. All that good stuff is in the link below and in the first comment section. Okay, we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic job of bearing of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, teddy bear pillow and give itter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Donna and net detective and music. And Elizabeth says, I love your laugh. Thank you, Elizabeth and cupcake and McCoy and simply positive me and Leafs in the house. Big hugs to you. Jody, Yusef, Live Learn. Oh, and John, thank you for being on. Everybody giving you a big hug, wishing you a super duper wonderful.