 Recently I was asked the question, how do I handle a man who's judgmental and doesn't make time for me? And I thought this was a great question to lean into. Now, first and foremost, we have to understand that most human beings are judgmental. It's just what is judgment, but the way we perceive the world and many people label other people critical things like stupid or what's going on with them. I know when during traffic I can act that way myself. And certainly I've been labeled myself. So it's very common to experience judgment. And certainly that might rub the person the wrong way, rub you the wrong way if you're in relationship with someone who's overly judgmental, overly critical. Now, where this comes from, we have to lean into that for a second as we all perceive the world through our own lens. And depending on the lens a person was brought up with can link to how they operate in their own life. So when we talk about how to handle judgment, I think first and foremost is to come from a place of understanding where this person perceives the world compared to how you perceive the world. See, we all operate, okay, let me backtrack for a second. Most humans operate from their own lens and there's this almost expectation that everybody else operates from our own lens. And yet you can watch the news today, you can watch politics today, you can watch religion today and notice that human beings operate from, you can experience someone who operates from a completely different lens than what you operate from. And what I mean just coming back to lens is how you perceive the world. So I think it's important to recognize that most everybody perceives the world differently than you. And their ideologies might be different than yours, their values might be different than yours. And where does this come from? Well, I want you to think about this for a moment. For those who live in the United States, we live in a melting pot of different cultures, different ethnicities, different values. In fact, it's such a melting pot compared to many other parts of the world that we have all different perceptions bleeding into this stew, if you will, I said, melting pot. And so we have to recognize that most everybody is different. See, I want you to think back 100, 200, 300 years ago, we'll take the United States for a moment for 200 years ago, most American Indians lived in the same tribe. Most everybody in tribe probably shared the same values, shared the same experiences. Now there were different tribes, there was tribes that they were fighting against, they had their own different value system and how they operated in the world. Coming back to that one tribe where there's say several hundred people, everybody shared the same values, the same experiences, they knew one another. So why I'm bringing this up today is to remember that these days, especially in the dating realm, we're meeting total strangers and we don't know what their values are, we don't know what their ideologies are, we don't know their perceptions, their view of the world. And we have to remember how they view the world could be vastly different than how we might view the world. So when it comes to how to handle this as first, come from a place of compassion, come from a place of understanding. Now you might find that your ideologies, your perceptions of the world are so vastly different that it creates a caustic or contentious relationship between the two of you. This is one of the reasons why I recommend in the early stages of dating is doing what I call radical honesty and pre-qualifying your prospect. It's what I teach in my private coaching. There's a link to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. See, it's important in the very early stages of dating before you get attached to another human being, before you physically get attached to another human being and what I mean is sleeping together is to get a sense of do you share the same values? Are your lifestyles blendable? And more importantly, does this person have the emotional maturity and the relationship skills to actually navigate a long-term relationship? See these days, most humans are experiencing a casual type of dynamic in their dating experience. And because it's casual, it doesn't have the deep roots of trust to sustain a relationship long-term. And one of the roots in trust is those value similarities which means you perceive the world similarly unlike that person that you believe is being judgmental. Now remember, when someone judges another human being, we label another human being a certain way, guess what? We can be labeled the very same way. In fact, many times when we're judging another, it's a mirror of our own lack within ourselves. So coming back to that emotional maturity piece, again, it's very important in the early stages of dating to do a better job asking deeper questions before you get too involved. Now you might say, Jonathan, I've been talking to a guy for years online. Are you really having deeper conversations to determine shared values? Are you having deeper conversations to determine blendable lifestyles? Probably not in many cases. Are you, and as far as the emotional maturity piece, let me just say this on that front. The only way to observe someone's emotional maturity is in real time. It's in the doing of things together, social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together. That's where you can perceive this person's emotional maturity. It's through the interaction with this person in the doing of things and not on the phone talking to one another. Now just mention a moment ago, the doing of things. He doesn't make time for me with the second part of this video. See, today, most men and women or most men in particular, especially those in the category I talk about, which is midlife and midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. Most of the people I speak to were in their 40s, 50s, 60s, even 70s. You have to recognize that men may not be driven to fully commit to someone. Let me repeat that they're not driven to fully commit to someone. Now they can partially commit to someone, they can marginally commit to someone, or they can be ambivalent about a commitment. I said partially, marginally and ambivalent. What does that mean? Well, why would he invest time with me if he only partially wants commitment or marginally wants commitment? Well, this is because human beings, men and women alike, want companionship, they want connection, they want sex. And yet they might only be capable of occasional companionship, occasional connection, occasional sex, especially if they have busy lives. So this is where you have to really do your due diligence when it comes to blendable lifestyles. He doesn't make time for me. Why is that? Maybe he's raising children. Maybe he has a professional capacity or profession that requires a significant amount of his time. Those two are oftentimes the biggest, the most consuming time, I don't wanna, I was gonna say time robbers, but let's just use it from that perspective. Time robber to an actual day-in-day-out romantic relationship. You have to look at these things before you consider investing in someone, will they make time for the kind of relationship you see? Now those who follow my work, I'm here to encourage. The best relationships are where two people can integrate their lives with one another. Let me do that one more time. They can integrate their lives with one another. What does integration look like? That includes incorporating the children in your relationship, incorporating friends into the relationship, incorporating your daily experiences into the relationship. And I mean, daily experiences could be exercised together, it could be doing pickleball together. I said earlier, remember I said this earlier, social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends and traveling together. Why would a man not make time for you and what you should do about that? We have to ask yourself, are the two of you truly seeking a fully committed relationship? And you have to assess, because most men they're only capable of partially committing, marginally committing or ambivalently committing to a relationship. Ambivalent as they say, I want a relationship without any understanding of the structure to a relationship. Now I know much of this might sound like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is why you might wanna check out the book. Oh, it's over there. It's called, it's a book by the Gottman's called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. There's a link below in my recommended books. Okay, why am I recommending this book to non-married people? It literally outlines, it reverse engineers how to create a healthy happy relationship with one another. See, most of us don't have role models, most of us don't have a blueprint of how to integrate lives together. And this book, amongst the many others I recommend, and again, the book is listed below The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, gives you a blueprint of how to establish a relationship together. So first and foremost, you need this blueprint to understand the mechanics of a healthy happy relationship. And the second piece, and this is about emotional maturity, is do you have the communication skills to actually navigate the biggest challenge in relationships, and that's conflict resolution. Conflict resolution, that's right. So there's two books I wanna recommend. This book right here, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and I Hear You by Michael Sorenson, why? Because these two books give you a better understanding of how to communicate with one another. See, many of you think of communication like this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, or more so like this. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You remember that from Charlie Brown? See, when I say that that's the way most humans view it, they have this perception that they're good at communicating their needs, wants, and desires. And yet many of you women are silent when it comes to expressing your needs, wants, and desires. And you expect us men to be mind readers. We are not mind readers. More importantly though, you have to be able to articulate in a way that you can be seen, heard, and understood. If you are fearful of speaking your truth to someone, that's on you. If you're incapable of articulating your feelings, then I would recommend reading these books. And the reason why it's called Nonviolent Communication is because sadly, by the way, this book should have entitled Compassionate Communication. And yet sadly, most humans operate from a place of either victim consciousness or a combative tone when they're communicating with someone. By the way, I just realized my tone might be combative and that's simply because I'm very passionate about waking people up to a more effective way to approach relationships. So how do you handle a man who's judgmental? Listen, someone who's overly critical might wear on you. And if you don't share the same ideologies, that could be problematic. You have to ask yourself, is this really the right person for you to be with? For the person who doesn't make time for you, you have to ask yourself, what do you want in the way of relationship? What does a relationship look like for you? And either choose a person who fits your dynamic or accept the dynamic the way he is. And just remember, most men are operating from a partial or marginal level of commitment. It is your job to outline and make a request as to the level of commitment you seek. Otherwise, you'll just simply find yourself in a casual relationship and how... Let's face it. How enriching, how fulfilling is a casual relationship? Probably not very fulfilling. I'm encouraging you to go deeper by having deeper conversations with someone and also to recognize first and foremost the importance of the blueprint to a healthy happy relationship and also better communication skills. And remember this ladies, I know many of you would like to sit back in your feminine energy and let the man claim you. That's great. But most often you are the emotional leaders of the relationship. And I'm here to simply encourage lead by example and see how it goes from there. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell as well. And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrow of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye now. Bye.