 I have been having sex for the past 21 years. I have been studying sex for the past 16 years. And in this video, I'm gonna tell you all the things that I now know that I wish I knew before I embarked on this crazy. I am a survivor of chlamydia. Sexy. Where am I waking everywhere? Cool. Journey that we call sex. Do I have your attention now? This was brought to you by Squarespace. If you've been thinking about that business and you ain't started, what you're doing? Proud. We're proud to be with Squarespace. You got a website through Squarespace. I got a website through Squarespace. Lauren got a website through Squarespace. My mailing list is through Squarespace. My mailing list is through Squarespace. You can do a members-only section through Squarespace. You can do a members-only through... Anything, and listen. Online stores. We don't know how to code. Analytics. And we don't know how to code. Beautiful templates. And guess what? Beautiful people. We can still customize that website. And guess what? What? They can get 10% off if they choose to gift themselves with the opportunity to put their best business foot forward, their best creative foot forward through Squarespace. Go to squarespace.com slash shambudy for 10% off your purchase of a website or a domain. And we want to say thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this and so many other incredible videos we get to do. Yeah. We love you. January's coming up. Start that business 2023. The number one thing that I wish I knew about sex before having sex is that sex is a huge word. It is a big, expansive, descriptive, multifaceted word. I think when we're growing up, we are led to believe that sex is penis and vagina or that there's a hierarchy of different kinds of sex and penis and vagina is at the very, very top of it. This is problematic for many reasons. Of course, it is excluding of the LGBTQ plus community and their experiences. And secondly, as a straight person, this actually prevents you from having great sex because for many people, vulva owners specifically, penis and vagina sex is not the ultimate when it comes to pleasure potential or exploration. And so when we limit our definition to it by the activity that doesn't actually get us there, we end up having a lot of very bad quote unquote sex until we learn that there's so much more to the word. So I like to liken the word sex less like the word running, which is a verb that describes a very particular activity that people do pretty much the same way, although some people run in some pretty crazy ways. Instead, sex is more like the word party and party is both a noun and a verb. And the description, the definition of the noun is as follows, a social gathering of invited guests typically involving eating, drinking and entertainment. There's a list of things and those things by itself don't necessarily indicate that it's a party, but all together that's what makes a party a party. And the same thing when it comes to sex, there is so much more than one activity that defines it. And again, the more things that you have, the more fun the party is. Side rant on this, the word quickie also needs to be expanded out the same way the sex does because often when we're younger, we're just having quickie sex. And if we take the common definition of quickie, that means that you're having really fast, very uneventful penis and vagina sex, but there's quickie oral sex or there's quickie fingering or there's quickie dry humping. So again, when we take the definition and we make it broader, it just creates opportunities for so much more pleasure and equal opportunity access to pleasure, even if it is in quick intervals. The second thing that I wish I knew about sex before having sex is the story. It's the glory of the clitoris. I would say, Shambudra in Pulupachaire, you have a clitoris. It is an incredible body part which it's only known function is to provide pleasure. Now, if you took a mirror and looked at yourself right now, you would be able to identify the glands, the head of the clitoris, but that is only the tip of the iceberg. So the equivalent of the clitoris for a person with a penis is a penis. And penises are like this, right? Well, a clitoris is just like this. So in essence, all that happens when you are in development is you either get this or you get this. And that means that there's so much more to play with underneath the surface that wraps around the vulva, including the urethral opening and the vaginal opening. And in many researchers opinion, the clitoris is actually the G-spot, just a different part of the clitoris that's being accessed through vaginal penetration. And I would tell myself, play in this area, invite other people to play in this area. And if this is the way that you receive and achieve pleasure at the maximum potential for yourself, celebrate that and don't let anyone make you feel like that's a second place orgasm. The third thing that I would tell myself is that good sex. And again, sex as that big, expansive, open, wide eyed, wide mouth word. Good sex lasts for three weeks, a month. That's enough time for you to get excited about the experience and really get into it, to enjoy it, whether the sex that you have lasts for three hours or like the average person somewhere between seven to 12 minutes and enough time afterwards to wake up the next day and feel good about your decision. Feel proud of that choice to share yourself in that very intimate way. And then further to that, weeks down the line, when it's time for you to get a sexually transmitted infection check or to find out whether or not the sex, if it included penis and vagina, resulted in a pregnancy for you to also feel good about whatever that outcome is. I think when I was younger, I made the mistake of having sex that felt right in the moment or that I hoped would make things better the next day rather than only choosing to invite somebody to delight in my body if I felt confident that one month later, I would still feel good about that choice. I wish I knew that sex is not a transformer, it's an exaggerator. Of whatever the fuck is currently going on before you indulge in that activity with somebody else. Meaning, if you are in a loving situation, a loving union, a respectful union, good sex is probably going to make it more loving and more respectful and provide more opportunities to see value in each other. On the flip side, if you are in a union that lacks respect, that lacks equity, sex is only going to exaggerate that as well. This is important for me because I think I had a lot of I hope sex back in the day, meaning I hope if we have sex, we'll get closer or I hope if we have sex, it'll leave me alone after this or I hope if we have sex, it won't be awkward. If it was awkward before we had the encounter, it was only going to be more awkward afterwards. And again, because sex only exaggerates what's already there, choosing not to have sex with someone isn't going to change anything. And if it does, it's only exaggerating the truth that existed before that this person was only interested in you for one thing. Now I am so passionate about this aha that I actually did a full episode of lovers and friends all about it. You can have a hot, sexy make out. You can do, you know, hand stuff, like whatever it is and it doesn't have to be, you don't have to have sex. All right though, this fifth point, this is the difference between sex that's good enough and sex that is out of this world, out of your body. And that is sex that's based on expectation and sex that's based on exploration. Sex based on expectation is goal oriented sex in which we enter into it, trying to orgasm or trying to make our partner orgasm and usually in particular kinds of ways. We want them to make certain sounds. We want there to be certain bodily fluids involved. We have an idea of what's supposed to happen. So we go in with a game plan. Sexual exploration on the other hand is just how. I have no idea what's gonna happen. I have no idea what we're gonna do. All I know is I'm going to be guided through curiosity, both for my own experiences and for yours, and we're gonna see how good we can feel for how long we wanna do whatever activity. Point blank period. And through sexual exploration, we can actually have some of the outcomes that we would have had an expectation oriented sex met but in ways that are surprising and fresh. Fun fact that I picked up while reading this book by Dr. Nealandry, which ooh, it is so thick and so filled with just gems and knowledge and juice. I highly recommend, so I'm gonna put it in the info box below for more information if you wanna also get in on it. She cited a study in this book, which found that 95% of study participants had an arborogenous zone outside of their genital region. And of this 95%, 12% of them could orgasm when these zones were stimulated consistently. So, whether you are a part of the 12% who can actually orgasm from your ear lobes being sucked on or you're part of the other bulk who maybe can't orgasm from their toes being licked but definitely gets sexually excited by that, exploration is the only way you're gonna get there. And exploration is also how you get to your killer combos. Killer combos is not gonna be part of this list of step-ins because I can go on and on for days about it. But when you get into your killer combos, sex gets crazy, baby. The sixth thing that I wish I knew about having sex before having sex is that it's so much harder to be bad in bed than it is to be good in bed. Being good in bed is actually pretty simple because all you have to do is ask questions, be curious, be open and be explorative, be authentic. Because when we are those things, then we acknowledge the truth that unless we are tethered to someone else like Avatar, there's no possible way to know if someone's gonna like something or not. So instead of having ideas of what moves we're gonna do or how we're going to wow them, be curious and be open. And that is going to lead you to the best sexual experiences nine out of 10 times. What's gonna prevent you from having great sex is inauthenticity, it is outcome based sex, it is trying to overcompensate for the lack of knowledge you have about someone else's body by trying to be a tour guide when the real truth is you are a tourist to someone else's body, regardless of how many times you've had sex before. The other way that you can be really bad in bed is by lying about your own experiences, by faking it. So to recap, being bad in bed is assuming, overcompensating, lying and denying. Being good in bed is just being authentic and open. That seems a whole lot easier to me. The last thing and definitely not last in terms of importance that I would tell myself about sex before having sex is that, I wanna put a trigger warning on this, rape is not sex. And I'm not gonna go into it in this video because thankfully I did a full podcast episode with Ashley C. Ford on this topic that I'm happy to share with those who want to engage with this kind of content or in a space where they can engage with it. But what I will say is that knowing this could have not only saved me from a lot of pain and a lot of self-hatred, but knowing what I know now about sex and the difference between violence and sex could have also helped me to save a lot of my friends and loved ones. And hopefully this video does that for you too and that you can share it with somebody who is either 21 years deep in the game or 21 days till they decide to enter into the beautiful, expansive, opportunistic, exciting, fearful, wet, dry, wonderful, treacherous, all of the above worlds of sex. Thank you for watching this video. What are some of the things that I missed? What would you put on your list of things that you know about sex that you are so glad to know now and maybe you wish you knew them a little bit sooner? Now, flipping the script a little bit, here are some things that I wish I knew about business before starting one myself. And that is it doesn't have to be that hard and it doesn't have to be that expensive to show people what you have to offer. And Squarespace is a tool that allowed me to put my best self forward in a way that is manageable for me and really attractive and easy from a user standpoint. And Squarespace is a one-stop shop for all of your website, online store and mailing list needs. Squarespace offers beautiful templates so you don't have to be a designer or a coder. You just have to have a great idea and then let Squarespace help you with the rest of the details. I've been using Squarespace for the past four years. It is where my personal website, my book website and my mailing list live. And if you have an idea that you want the world to see or that you need help just fleshing out for yourself, Squarespace is a great way to get started. And best of all, for anyone who has yet to utilize the power of Squarespace, you can go to squarespace.com slash Shan Booty because that's how you're gonna get 10% off of your purchase of a website or a domain. Also anybody who goes to squarespace.com can try Squarespace for absolute free, no credit card required for two weeks. And if you love what you build in your two weeks and you want to launch it for the rest of the world to indulge in, go to squarespace.com slash Shan Booty to get your 10% off the purchase of a website or domain. Hey yo. Made a lot of night, got me living on the starlight. Double up the price, I'm just trying to set the bar right. Argue at a spite, I ain't never losing no fight. It's scary.