 The Grape Nuts Flakes Program coming to you from Fort Custer, Michigan and starring Jack Benny. With Mary Livingston, Dennis Day, Rochester, yours truly, Don Wilson, and our guest conductor Bob Crosby and his orchestra. You know, I often suggest to you wives that you give your husbands delicious, nutritious Grape Nuts Flakes at breakfast. But tonight I have a new idea. My next words are for men only. Listen, fellas. Don't send the girls off to work without Grape Nuts Flakes at breakfast. How they gonna hammer rivets? How they gonna drive a taxi cab or run an elevator unless their breakfast stays by them? So see that the gals get Grape Nuts Flakes. For Grape Nuts Flakes are a whole grain cereal, chuck full of health-building food essentials. And say, just watch the girls go for that wonderful flavor. The moldy, rich, sweet-as-a-nut Grape Nuts flavor in toasty brown flake form. A flavor different from any other flake cereal in America. So men, give the girls a hand. Give them a cheerful send-off of Grape Nuts Flakes every morning. And by the way, you'll go for delicious Grape Nuts Flakes yourself. Here, Michigan, we bring you our master of ceremonies. A man who has used all the coupons in his ration book of comedy, Jack Benny. That's well, that's well. Thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking and Don. Yes, Jack. Speaking of coupons, my rotund river. Have you ever stopped to consider what food rationing will do to that stomach of yours? It'll go down like a blimp with a slow leap. If you get the picture. Oh, that won't bother me, Jack. I'll just pull in my belt like everybody else. Well, Don, when you pull in your belt, will you sell me the leather that's left over? I've got a Morris chair I want to recover. Anyway, Don, here we are at Fort Custer, Michigan. And this is really a tremendous camp. There are nearly 30,000 soldiers training here. So I understand. By the way, Jack, have you met any of these fellows? Yes, Don. And the strangest thing keeps happening. Every time I shake hands with somebody, they give me a jerk and throw me over their shoulder. I can't understand it. Well, you see, Jack, most of the boys here are training to be military police, and they've mastered the science of judo. Judo, what's that? Well, that's the art of self-defense without the use of weapons. So when those fellows threw you over their shoulders when they shook hands, they were just demonstrating a very simple hold. Oh, is that it? Gosh, I spent more time flying through the air this week than Jimmy Doolittle. Thank heaven my landing gear can take it. But this judo, this judo is very interesting, Don. I imagine you have to be pretty big and rugged to apply it properly. Oh, no, Jack, size and strength aren't important at all. They're not? No, a very small person, by applying a proper leverage, can break your arm. Gee. Or your leg. Gosh. Or even your neck. My goodness. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Shake hands. I wouldn't shake hands with you for a million dollars. Just hello, Mary. That's all. In greeting, you gave me, Mary. The minute you walk into the program, you want to break my neck. Well, I've been reading up on judo this week, and I want to practice on somebody. Listen, Mary, judo is for men. It's for boys engaged in hand-to-hand combat, so that when they get in a corner, they know what to do. Doesn't hurt for us girls to know a few tricks nowadays either. Well, Mary, we've only been here a little while. How could you pick up judo so fast? Well, I was out with Captain Hooks last night, and he showed me a few holes. What? Come here, and I'll demonstrate one. What do you mean, demonstrate? You can't even lift me. Here, give me your right hand. Be careful, Jack. Oh, be careful, be careful. Here's my hand, Mary. What happens now? Just this. You didn't have to be so rough. Did you see how I did that, Don? It's all a trick. Say, Mary. Mary, I think I got the knack of that. Give me your right hand, Don. What are you going to do? I'm going to work that same stunt on you. Now, give me your right hand. Here you are. Over you go. You couldn't lift a midget with a steam shovel. I can throw Wilson, watch this. What was that? Your charm bracelet snapped off. Well, the heck, I'll try a little judo on Dennis when he comes in. You know what? Well, here's the kid now. Oh, hello, Dennis. Fine, thanks. How are you? I said, hello. Hello. Say, Dennis, Dennis, you're a little late. Where were you? Well, I stopped in front of the theater and shook hands with a soldier. Yes? And I just got down off the roof. If I didn't know when I was going on a trip, I'd have packed a bag. Well, Dennis, oh, are you a Dennis? But Billy knew what I was going to say. Dennis, look at that. That's what they call judo, you see? All the boys here are experts at it. That's why that soldier could throw you right up to the roof. Gee, a thing like that might put an end to elevators. I doubt it. Say, Dennis, speaking of judo, I'll show you how that trick is done. It might come in handy in case you're being robbed or attacked by a thug. Or a girl gets fresh with me. Yeah. Anything like that. Come here, I'll show you this trick. Oh, Jack, let him alone. He's got his song to do now. Oh, he can sing it out of the piano if you get what I mean. Come on, Dennis. Give me your hand. OK. Oh, dodo, now go ahead and sing your song. Now, where's my, oh, here it is. Hope I can put it on straight without a mirror. Oh, no. You keep singing like that in one of these Monday mornings when you get your pay envelope, you're going to find that it's much fatter. You mean you're going to put more money in it? No, a slice of bacon. You see, Dennis, bacon is hard to get nowadays. So are tenors. Don't kick them around. Not kicking you around. I've just given you the bacon so you can have a nice breakfast some morning. Speaking of breakfast, Jack. Excuse me, Don. I'd like to give you a raise, Dennis, but you're doing all right. I pay you plenty of do-re-mi. Can't we get that up to fossil off? No, listen, Dennis, when I was your age, I made half of your salary. And I was a regular playboy. Every Saturday night, I used to take my girl to the best restaurant in town. And when the waiter brought the check, you'd hide under her hoop skirt. I did not. Oh, pardon me, Don. What were you saying? Speaking of breakfast. Oh, yes. In as much as we're near Battle Creek, I paid a very interesting visit yesterday to the plant where grape nut flakes are made. Oh, I'm going there tomorrow, Don. Now, what's it like? Well, first, Jack, you'll see the ovens that bake the golden kernels of grape nut flakes and make them toasty brown and sweet as a nut. Yes, yes. And then you'll see a large, bright, airy room where grape nuts flakes are sealed and packaged to ensure their malty, rich freshness. And you'll also see a room which everybody calls the torture chamber. The torture chamber? What's that? That's where workers sit all day long and paste your picture on the box. Pretty good gag. I'm glad I'm working for an organization with a sense of humor. Well, Bob Crosby. Hello, Bob. Hi, Jackson. Well, he called me Jackson. You know, Phil Harris used to call me that. By the way, Bob, do you know Phil? Well, sure, a matter of fact, we used to go with the same girl. The same girl? Yeah, I had the swing shift. That's a hot one. You and Harris rushing the same girl. What's her name? Agnes Crumbdicker. You? You and Phil Harris went out with Agnes Crumbdicker? Hey, Mr. Benny, that's our girl. Never mind. Remember, we chipped in and bought her a new front tooth for Christmas? I said Dennis, never mind. It whirls around a little, but it's the beauty. Good ol' Agnes. First, she goes with Bob and Phil, then she goes with Dennis and me. I can't understand it. Why does she always go around with two fellows? She's got two heads. She has not. Oh, say, Bob, your debut with us last week seems to have been very successful. I've gotten a lot of letters about you. You have? Yeah, I got one from a fellow named Bob Welch in Los Angeles, who not only insisted that I keep you on the program, but that I give you a cash bonus. Well, that's my bookmaker. I'm into him a little. Oh, I see. Well, anyway, I'm glad you're getting a lot of fan mail. Now, Bob, what do you say we have a nice hot band number? OK. Say, by the way, Jack, I got a big bang out of your new picture. I saw it at the Chicago Theater last Thursday. Thanks, Bob, but my picture didn't open till Friday. You saw Frankenstein meets the Wolfman, you know? Well, wasn't that you with the long teeth and the hair all over your face? No, of course not. I always play romantic parts. I'm the lover type. In fact, in my new picture, the meanest man in the world, I kissed Priscilla Lane three different times. If she knew anything about Judo, you'd have never gotten near her. Well, she doesn't, so I had a wonderful time. Anyway, Crosby, as I was saying, let's give these boys here at Pork Custer one of those Bobcat tunes of yours. OK. Say, by the way, Jack, what's this Judo that everybody's talking about around here? Oh, it's a lot of fun, Bob. Haven't you ever tried it? No, I haven't. Here, here, give me your right hand. Oh, let me take him, Jack. No, no, he's my pigeon. Come on, come on, Bob, give me your right hand. OK. There goes Benny out the window. What'd I do wrong? Nothing, you were wonderful. Go ahead, Bob, let's have your number. Oh, wait a minute, I'll take it. Hello? Hello, Miss Livingston, this is Rochester. Mr. Benny was thrown out the window by Judo. Is that the big gal he promised to work on, too? Have you ever tried it later, Rochester? Thank you, goodbye, Miss Livingston. Goodbye. That's what they call Judo, Bob. Man, let's have your band number. I bet he would surprise as I was when I went through that window, who a few minutes ago, through the best job he ever had out the window. I'm not his orchestra. Oh, I'll take it easy, Jackson. It was all a gag. Oh, sure, a gag. And now, ladies and gentlemen. My goodness, Jack, I never saw such a sore head. If it was just my head, I wouldn't be mad. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction this evening. Now, Jack, I want you and Bob to kiss and make up. I won't kiss him. Then I will. You get away from him. And now, ladies and gentlemen, you might as well un-pucker, Crosby. She's not going to kiss you. Now, tonight for our feature attraction, an honor of Fort Custer, where I'm going to reenact a sketch based on a true episode in the life of my grandfather. Your grandfather? Yes. Because my grandfather, Kit Carson Benny, served in the Indian Wars under General Custer, for whom this fort was named. My grandfather was a baker, and he made wonderful pies. What was I got to do with Fort Custer? They were custer pies. Dennis, Dennis, you have just given Fred Allen, who was sitting at his radio with a rider on each knee, the best opening he's had this season. Believe me. Now, getting back to our sketch, I will play the. I'll take it. Hello? Oh, Mr. Benny, this is Rochester. Oh. I called up before, but you had gone out for breath of fresh air. I know, I know. Now, what do you want? Well, I made a report of our canned goods to the ration board like you told me to. Good. And incidentally, Rochester, you know, the law says that anything we make ourselves doesn't have to be declared. In that case, we're safe on jams, jellies, and gin. When do we bottle any gin? Well, you taste those pickled pig feet. What, do you mean to say you put pigs feet in gin? You can't put them in shoes anymore. Well, this conversation is getting too silly for me. Me too. A couple more pig foot, and I'm going to bed. Good night. Goodbye. Oh, say Rochester. Guess where we're going next week. St. Joe, Missouri. They love you there. That's right. Goodbye. Good old St. Joe. Now, as I was saying, I will play the part of my grandfather, Kit Carson Benny, the famous Indian scout. Mary, you and Mr. Strong Arm Crosby are also going to be scouts. Dennis, you're going to be an Indian guide, and Don. Yes, Jack? Due to the shortage of actors, I've decided to make you a whole company of men. A whole company? Yes, here's your uniform, a coat with 30 pairs of pants. Slip mine. And now, folks, for a thrilling saga of American history. The year 1874, the place a crude blockhouse on the edge of the wilderness. As the scene opens, the old scout, Kit Carson Benny, is addressing his men. Curtain may use it. Now, listen, men, attention for roll call. While Bob Crosby. Here, Kit. While Bill Morrow. Here, Kit. While Ed Beloin. Here, Kit. While Mary Livingston. Here, Kit. Here, Kit. Here, Kit. Stop that. Anyway, I've received orders from General Custer that we're to go out and locate a hostile Indian tribe, which has been ravaging the countryside. And we'll define those Indians. Or my name ain't. My face does look like a shimmering pool of water. Where are we, Concapot? Have you made a map of this territory? No, I thought we'd stop at a gas station and get one. There won't be any gas stations for 50 years. Automobiles haven't been invented yet. Oh. I wish I knew where we were. Now, let's see. Fellas, a wild? What a beauty. That's the only turkey I ever saw with a Michigan license plate. And that cranberry sauce for a taillight is beautiful. Well, let's camp here for the night. But be careful, men. There are probably hostile Indians working behind every bush. Oh, don't be so scared. All the Indians around here are friendly. Good. Yikes! Friendly Indians. Then why is this arrow sticking in me? You bent over. They're only humans. Hey, wild Bob Crosby, pull this arrow out of me. Oh, I'll leave it hanging there. I'll hang my coat on. It's only your second broadcast. Read it right. Pull out that arrow. Now, as I was saying, men, thank you. We'll camp here for the night. And first thing in the morning, we will continue on our mission for General Custer. All right, men, lay down. Unfold blankets. Please speak above a whisper. Hostile Indians around. And the slightest sound will warn them of our presence. Now, everybody get in line behind me. Quiet now. Quiet. Whoops, Crosby, watch your musket. Follow me, everybody. What's that noise? Sounds like Tom-Tom. Hey, kid, here comes an Indian warrior towards us. Oh, yes, one that's been scalded. Men, put down your musket. I'll talk to this guy. How? How have you been? I've been fine, thank you. I'll find out if this fellow is hostile or not. Pale face. Want them be friends with Indian. Indian friendly true. Good. Pale face offer hand in friendship. Shake them. OK, shake them. That's the question. It's grape nut flakes. Yes, sir. You eat them because you just plain down ride and joy. They're moldy, rich, sweet as a nut flavor. And then grape nut flakes are so good for you. They're a whole grain cereal, plentiful, thrifty, and nutritious. Every bowl full of toasty brown grape nut flakes brings you that important whole grain nourishment, including proteans, iron, phosphorus, and two important vitamins, niacin and B1. So while you're relishing this crisp, moldy, rich breakfast treat, you're also getting grand nourishment. And remember, friends, when you start using those ration books tomorrow, you won't have to give up any of those precious coupons when you buy nourishing grape nut flakes. They're not rationed. So better climb on the bandwagon for better breakfast and start off tomorrow with grape nut flakes. St. Joe next week. Good night, folks.