 And with that I have a very serious, very controversial question for you today. So are you feeling brave? Always, anytime. Super. You know, this is a question that I feel has a lot of resonance. It comes up all the time in society. And I really think that it's time to address it head on. So I had this message from a lady who says she's a social worker working specifically with girls. So I'm assuming that she's talking about girls from slightly more underprivileged backgrounds or maybe more at-risk girls. And she says that she has a concern that she would like to raise. Do the clothes that you wear affect a woman's sensuous thought process? If the clothes are really fitted or short, do those clothes make the girls feel more sensual? And she says, don't get wrong. I'm just concerned with the women who are living in this kind of situation. So again, I'm assuming that she means girls who may not necessarily have the privilege of protection because of their situation, maybe they're more at-risk. And she says, do they need to take charge of what they need to wear on their daily routine? Now, I just want to say that this is a question that really made me stop to think for a couple of reasons. One is you and I and so many other people have fought forever to make this point clear that what a girl wears is not her identity. And it doesn't mean that just because she's wearing short clothes that she's open to any kind of physical or sexual or even verbal abuse. That's one thing. And secondly, I know and you know because you're going to respond to this question that this question is not what it seems to be on the face of it. Because when you read it first, the first thing is should girls who are more at-risk generally speaking not be wearing these kinds of clothes because they're putting themselves further at risk. And I think I really, really want you to address this. So what I want to start with that I don't even think it's about risk or at-risk but I think this is something that everybody is talking about today. And it's a universal question. It's really not. It's something that's very close to my heart because I have teenage boys and I'm having these conversations with them about what to wear not what they wear but what they find attractive, you know. And a debate. So like you said, let's set the stage here because I know a lot of time then we get people questioning why we said something and what we said something. So what we're setting here is that the safety of a woman is not in question here. We have thought really hard to say that just because a woman's wearing a certain kind of clothing doesn't mean she's open to sexual harassment and sexual violence. We have said that women can be naked and they have the right that nobody touches them. So the safety of a woman cannot be measured by the length of the skirt. So that's established. It's also established as choice. We have thought hard that women should be able to choose what they wear and shouldn't be prescribed what they wear. So we're not even like so we're keeping choice and safety that's a given. We're going beyond choice and safety here. And we're talking about fashion. We're talking about a sense of dressing. We're talking about what we like and dislike. And that's the route we're going to take today. That's what we're going to talk today. And the connection of sensuality or sexuality to fashion. Absolutely. Like you say that clothes, a lot of times you talk about get ready, the full play, do the Sringar as you call it and everything. So obviously there's a correlation between how we feel about ourselves based on fashion and clothing that we wear. That's why there are fashion dustries and everything. So yeah, sorry, just to interrupt you here. That's exactly what I was getting at because when I put on a particular outfit it makes me feel good. If it makes me feel good, it makes me feel more sensuous. And I thought about this when I read this question because I thought if it makes me feel more sensuous it probably has the same impact on everybody but I have reached this stage, I'm now 60 after years of understanding, I understand what I feel. Is it a problem with younger girls or younger people? Yeah, so I think my discussion came from the idea of where are we deciding what's sensuous, right? And how do we do it? So you're saying it's taken you years to come to this point to understand. So teenagers, young adults don't have the luxury of the time. It's something that's happening currently for them. So how have they come to the process of decision making that these clothings make us feel sexy? And of course over experience the internal voice will come. However, what they're doing right now is going with what's prescribed to them. What is media saying? What is visualized as attractive? And what is seen as attractive? And the problem today is that the only thing that visually has been gifted to them as attractiveness is short, tight clothes, revealing clothes. So let's put it that way. Now, they're not necessarily something they feel comfortable in. It's not an inner voice that's saying, oh, I feel so great in this, right? So this is something that has been given to them. It's not theirs. And that's where I think the problem is. As soon as it's theirs, I think it's all fine. It's great if that's what they choose. But I would wish that we would give them more choices. We would give them more choices to decide from. But unfortunately, I think the choice set today is very limited for young people. I think that you hit the nail on the head. It is literally what we've been told of sexy rather than you thinking for yourself and saying, actually, I feel good in this. And there is literally just the one option, isn't there? Yeah, and there is one. And today I was doing some work. And a lot of people were talking about the male gaze. And they were all talking about this idea that I don't know if I feel good about myself because I like it or the male gaze looks at me in a certain way and that's why I need to wear something, right? When people say, oh, you look so good in this, right? Then you feel like, oh, I need to wear more of this. But it needed me that you feel comfortable in what you wear. Are you confident in what you're wearing? Are you feeling good about what you're wearing? Does it make you feel sexy? Like it might arouse the other person. The other person might love it. But are you getting aroused? Or are you feeling sexual or sensual wearing what you're wearing? Or are you completely like, oh my God, when can I get home and get out of this? Or can I get some layers on? Or can I wear some jackets? And that's the question I think they should be asking. Is this whatever they wear? Is it making them feel sexual? Like is it making them feel sensuous in some ways? Not the other, not the other, themselves. And the problem is that this is the same message that's going out to the boys, isn't it? And so that's why it becomes like a problematic thing. It's like when we say the male gaze or the attractiveness or whatever, there is only one thing being sold to the boys also. So it's not like they have a choice set, you know? And then they basically encourage the idea that this kind of dressing is actually attractive. And then the girls receive the idea that this strength of dressing. So now we have young adults who really only... And like I'm saying, like there is nothing wrong with revealing short tight clothes. Like one is not saying that. One is saying that, you know, we've spoken about it like when we did an episode on fantasies and the other person had said, what are you wearing? And both of us had turned around and said, we're wearing saris because that's what makes us feel sexy. But somewhere we had the space to decide for ourselves that it doesn't need to be one kind of clothes and there are other things that we wear that can make us feel sexy. That I've really feel admitting right now for a lot of us. It is about the feeling, about feeling sensuous and feeling good about yourself. And that could be for us at society, for somebody else it might be a full gown, for somebody else it might be a burqa. It is about that feeling which is really important. And once you have that feeling, you know, you your confidence, your aura will give that message, you know, that I feel good, I feel beautiful today, I feel sexy today and that message will go. If you know strangely enough, I had a chat with Roshni about this and for anybody listening in, Roshni is on Instagram on Rosh 93, she's an absolutely amazing woman who is out there to make people understand body positivity. And it's really interesting because when I said this to her, you know, she's very much about body positivity. She gets strolled heavily for the fact that, you know, she will wear something that shows off more of her body deliberately and people will say, you don't have the right figure for it, you shouldn't be wearing this and so on. And her point is that she has to feel empowered in her own body to feel good about herself. And when I talked to her about it, her first reaction of course was, but it is about self empowerment. I have to feel sexy about myself. And then we talked this through. And like she said that when she did not feel good about herself, whether she was covering herself up from head to foot or she was in the skimpiest clothes, it never felt good. And when you don't feel good about yourself, you feel insecure and when you feel insecure, you become a target for other people a lot more. You're so much easier to control or manipulate. Absolutely. The moment you find your inner comfort point, you could end up wearing almost anything. And even if somebody is trying to be inappropriate, you have that inner empowerment to say, hey, you know, cut it out. Absolutely. And so, you know, really the short clothes is not the problem. The pressure that that's the only way to look sexy or attractive is the problem. And as long as we're comfortable in whatever we're wearing and as long we feel sexy in whatever we're wearing, it's all okay. And I just want to interrupt over here one moment and say that, you know, how do we, let's say for instance, now we're responding directly to this social worker with limited time, limited means. How does she get this message across? Do you think that she can do the young girls? So I think the main thing is that when we start thinking about clothes, I think what we need to start asking is, how is this making us feel? You know, we ask questions around, how do I look? What do I look like? We haven't even touched on body image right now and how much, you know, conscious girls can get about their body more and more that there are more revealing clothes, you know, just adds a lot of pressure. But the main question we need to start asking is, how are we feeling and what are we feeling, you know? And also that it really impacts our decision-making. We need to start reflecting on our decision-making around relationships and being sexual, not sexual, whatever, you know? Because once we are entering this world, there are, these are influences that make our decisions. So we should start, we should start having conversations, we should start thinking about it, but we should know that it doesn't take us by surprise, you know, like we suddenly be like, oh, like this is happening, what do I think about it? Do I like it? Do I not like it? What is it? So we should have those conversations with young people. So I guess, let me just see if I've understood you right. So basically you're saying that, talk to the girls, not so much about why are you wearing that, but say when you put on those clothes, how does it make you feel? So get them to actually articulate and verbalize what it gets them to feel. That's the first thing I think you said. And the second thing you said is that to start becoming aware of what kind of excitement or sexual, or what sexuality means to you. Like, is it a touch on the hand? Is this, like, do you visualize yourself being kissed, but nothing further than that? So becoming actually more aware of that, yes? Is that what you were saying? Yeah, so what we would do with young people is we would do a visualization. So some people would say, I just want to feel sexy and be sexy, but I'm not interested in doing anything, right? But I love this feeling. I love this feeling of feeling sexy, and that's great. Some would say, I feel sexy, but I would like experimenting or not, you know? And then that is, and that experimenting could look very different things. But what we would encourage young people to do is close their eyes and think what extent feels comfortable and at what point do they suddenly feel like, no, this makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to do this. And they would do it with like a green light and a red light and they would switch it. So it's a great exercise to do for young people. Is to visualize what feels comfortable. And for some people, even somebody touching their hand would be like, I don't like this. And for some people, penetrative sex will look amazing, but it's such an individual decision. But this exercise young people must do to understand for them what are their limits and what makes them comfortable. We've come full circle, we need the sex head and we need to understand that sex head is about emotions, it's in your head. And how you're thinking, not just about the two parts of the body that fit together. Keeping all of this in mind that, you know, it's people across the board, it's everybody out there, whether you're the parent, you're the teacher, you're the social worker. The first thing to do is not to actually be horrified at what somebody's wearing. Ask them, number one, what it makes them feel like, does it make them feel good? Does it make them feel comfortable? What is the clothes actually doing to them personally individually, does it make them feel good? And the other is that if they had a choice of wearing something else, what would that other thing be? Give them the chance to explore their sexuality because that you can't shut down. You cannot shut down somebody's sexual or sensuous growth, that's gonna be, right? So the thing to do is to encourage them to find options. So yeah, the second more important thing is ask them to explore options of what else might make them feel sexy from within because as we've always said, your empowerment, your sexiness, your seduction comes from within. If you're wearing something really tight and short and feeling super uncomfortable and miserable, you're not going to be sexy. You're not gonna look sexy, you're not gonna feel sexy and you're not gonna end up feeling good about yourself. And so what I just wanna add is as we're wrapping up is that if this video has spelled, oh my God, where are they all going with this topic? That is it, what it looks like. And it might seem like, I wish Tima and I had hours to do a workshop on this and we don't. So it's doing it in 15 minutes. But that's the thing, what looks like a very superficial. One group will say, we have fought for women to wear what they want to wear. And one group would say, but women's safety is in question and appropriateness of clothes is there. It's not as simple as those two things. There are layers of what is being sold to us, what messages is coming to us. Do we have a choice set? Do we not have a choice set? Gender, patriarchy, like so many layers, decision-making, so many things come into this. So to bear with us as you listen to this and try to unpick it, because it is a complicated topic and we're trying to do our best to bring in as many issues into it. But I think the pressure that it only has to be one kind of clothing is what leads me uncomfortable with the whole idea. You know what, I really hope that everybody listening has found this useful to some level, even if it's one point that you take away from here. I think we're trying very hard to say that empowerment is a state of mind. And it's not the short clothes, but understanding how they make you feel, whether they're being forced on you because that's what the magazines are showing us or whether it's something that's coming from within. So I hope that you take this away and in the way that it's meant to be. And I really, really hope that you can put it to good use because it is something that's gonna be part of your life for always. So the idea you understand it the better. As always, please do like, comment, subscribe on the video below. If you need to consult with Anvita, she is on. Anvita.medanbehel at gmail.com. And I am on info.seema.anand at gmail.com for any questions that you might want to send in. They will of course all be down there in the captions so you don't have to worry if you didn't catch that. Take care of yourself, be safe and we will see you over here soon.