 J.T.L.L.O. The Jell-O program starring Jack Belly with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with a happy, happy holiday. It was the night before Christmas. I sat by the fire, I filled up my pipe, turned the radio higher. The hour was 12 by the clock on the stair, a few moments more, and St. Nick would be there. When out on the air waves, there rose such a clatter, I grabbed for the dial to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering ears should I hear but the sound of sleigh bells and a voice ringing clear. Now strawberry, now raspberry, now lemon and lime. On cherry, on orange, we have it much time. A noise on the roof and then quick as a flash, out of the radio, burst with a crash, a gay-looking cheerful and merry-faced fellow, shaking with laughs like a bowl full of jello. He spoke not a word, but working like Ned, filled all the stockings. Then turning his head, he gave me a wink as he shook his white beard. Then back in the radio, he disappeared. He sprang to his sleigh, and he gave a loud cry, and away they all flew like snow in the sky. But I heard him call back as he raced down the glen. Merry Christmas, dear people. Merry Christmas again. A holiday played by the orchestra, and now, ladies and gentlemen, as is always his custom on Christmas Eve, Jack Benny is holding open house tonight for all the members of his cast. So without further ado, we whisk you to Jack's home in Beverly Hills. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Work all night, work all day, never get no pay. Rockchester, we've got any complaints to make, don't sing them. I tried everything else. Never mind. Now, as soon as you get those packages wrapped, put them over here under the tree. The gang will be here pretty soon. Okay, boss. Now, wait a minute, Rochester. Why is this side of the tree so bare? What happened to all the ornaments? The ostrich had lunch. Oh, she ate them, eh? I thought I told you to lock Trudy up in the garage with Carmichael. I did, and boss, your Maxwell is now completely covered with fur and feathers. Good. We'll enter it in the Rose Bowl parade. Where's Trudy now? She's out in the kitchen, laughing at the turkey. She is, eh? Well, I hope she doesn't annoy Swing High. She better not. Them Chinese can cook anything. Well, as soon as you're through here, get Trudy out of the kitchen. Now, hurry up with those presents. Okay. Say, boss. What? Who's this leather belt for? Well, that belt is for Don Wilson. My, my. Long, ain't it? Well, Mr. Wilson isn't exactly shaped like an hourglass. And wrap it up nice for him. And look, Rochester, I wish you'd... What's that? Here comes Trudy now. Trudy! Rochester, go out and catch that ostrich. Boys, if I could run that fast, I'd be playing with UCLA. Trudy running through the house. As soon as you get those packages finished, I want... Hello, Jack. Christmas, Miss Limson. Same to you, Rochester. Mary, put your packages under the tree. Okay. Say, Jack, who are you giving this oil painting to? Beautiful, isn't it? I got that for Phil Harris. An oil painting for Phil Harris? Are you crazy? No, I'm not crazy. He's got a lovely apartment. Sure, but he hasn't got a picture on the wall. He didn't tear out of Esquire. That's why I got Phil this painting. I'm trying to educate him. Look, Mary, it's a genuine Botticelli. He won't like it unless there's a joke under it. He'll appreciate it, all right. Say, Mary, when you came in, did you notice the way Rochester decorated the front of the house with holly and lights and everything? Isn't it something? Yes. But, gee, Miss Jack, you ought to take down that sign. What sign? The one that says, Mary Christmas, ostrich plumes $0.15. Well, for heaven's sake, Rochester, did you put that sign up, ostrich plumes $0.15? You told me to. I did not. I merely said that's the price, if anybody asked. I didn't tell you to advertise. Shall I take the sign down, boss? No, the damage is done now. Leave it up. But I want to see the books at the end of the week. Remember that. Well, Jack, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. The idea of selling ostrich plumes. Well, I have to do something to get even. Trudy eats everything in sight. She got my bedroom the other day and ate my cuff links, a box of cigars, and two hair brushes. The brushes you don't have to worry about. I do too. Those brushes were a present from Greta Garbo when I was working at MGM. Oh, I remember. They were sent to your dressing room by mistake. I don't care how I got them, I got them. It's the thought that counts. Anyway, that ostrich better stop eating things in my bedroom. It's costing me a fortune. What's so funny? If she ever eats that green stuff out of your mattress, you'll be bankrupt. As soon as I hear you talk, you think I kept my entire life savings in my mattress. Uh-huh. Well, I don't. Then why do you stand there with a gun when I make the bed? That's the only way I can get you to work and you know it. Anyway, Mary, all Trudy needs is a little training. Well, there's somebody already. Come in. Hello, everybody. It's Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody. Same to you, Dennis. Merry Christmas, Mrs. Day. Now put your packages under the tree, Dennis. We'll open them later. Oh, Mother, isn't that a beautiful Christmas tree? Yes, Dennis. It's lovely. Thanks. Gee, look at those popcorn balls hanging there. Can I have one, Mr. Benny? Of course, Dennis. Help yourself. Just put a dime under the tree. That won't be necessary. This is Christmas. Well, Mrs. Day, I'm so glad you were able to come tonight. We've missed you on the program the last few weeks. Where have you been? Oh, I've been very busy shopping and preparing for the holidays. You know how it is. Yes, yes. Jack told me you were rattling in San Diego. I said nothing of the kind. Don't try to start an argument between Mrs. Day and myself. We're very good friends now, aren't we, Lucretia? Well, I'm standing under the mistletoe if that's what you mean. Not now, Lou. Later when we play games. Say, boss. What is it, Rochester? The man just came with ice cream. It's $4.75. Oh. Have you got the cash with you or shall I go upstairs and make the bed? Never mind. Here's $5. Let him keep the change. The whole quarter? Yes. Boss, while you're in this mood, I'd like to have a little talk with you. Never mind. Give the man the money. Now, Mrs. Day, you'll have to excuse me. I still got to wrap up a few more packages. Do you mind? Not at all. I'll be glad to help you. Well, Dennis, while we're working, how about singing something first to brighten things up? You know any Christmas carols? Oh, sure. Lots of them. Good. Let's hear one. Just a second. There's someone at the door. Come in. Well, hello, Don. Merry Christmas. Same to you, Jack. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you all. Oh, Don. Are all those packages for us? Yes, sir. All six of them. Well, put them under the tree. We'll open them later. Look, Mary, you can see the big red letters right through the paper. Here, Rochester. Hang up Mr. Wilson's hat. Yes, sir. Happy old time, Mr. Wilson. Well, the same to you, Rochester. And here's a little gift for you. Oh, thank you, Mr. Wilson. Thank you. Looks like a bottle. Yes, Rochester. It is. It's hair tonic. Oh. Well, a little white rock will fix that up. We'll have it later. Now, go ahead, Dennis. Let's hear your song. Okay, Mr. Benny. Mrs. Day, will you tie a nice bow on this package here? It's for the... Oh, darn it. Sing your song, Dennis. Turkey hash, Don. Not the same turkey. Well, I think we're very lucky. I'd rather have turkey hash than roast ostrich any day. Don, you're just being silly in the first place. I haven't got a roaster big enough for an ostrich. And in the second place, they aren't good to eat. The meat is much too sinewy and fibrous to chew. Oh, you looked it up, eh? Look it up. I just happen to know that. Oh, Mr. Benny, did you invite any movie stars here tonight? No, Mrs. Day. We're just having our own little gang. And listen, everybody, I got a big surprise for you. I wasn't going to tell you until they got here, but my sister Florence and her husband are driving in from Waukegan, and they're due here today. Oh, your sister's coming. Well, this is a surprise. And her husband too, eh? Yes, you remembered him, Mary. You met him in Waukegan. Oh, yes. He's a pool shark? No, that's my cousin Boo Boo. Boo Boo Benny. The fellow that's coming here is my brother-in-law, Leonard Fenchel. He's an interior decorator. An interior decorator, huh? Yeah. He's a paper hanger, and you know it. Mary, he sells wallpaper on the side. He's got a million patterns. Are they going to stay here at the house with you, Jack? Oh, sure. You don't think they'd stay anywhere else, as my sister said in her letter. Anyway, they ought to be here any minute. Oh, go on that bird. I'll teach you to nip me. Rochester, I just want you to put her in the basement. What did you do to Trudy? I ain't saying, but she's going to eat a dinner tonight. Loop to loop. Rochester, did you tie a knot in her neck again? Did you? Well, eh... Rochester, did you tie a knot in Trudy's neck? Just plain noble. Don't you ever do that again. Now, go downstairs and untie her before she chokes. Now, hurry. Okay, boss. I wish I knew it deep, too. Rochester, I don't know what's the matter with that guy. Every time I get a pet, he has to... Come in, come in! Hiya, Jackson. Merry Christmas, everybody. It's under the tree, fellas. Oh, uh, Jack, the orchestra boys are here, and you've got to buy presents for them. I did not. I got them a lovely gift. It's a very practical and something they can all use. I bet it's a roller towel. Well, it won't hurt them any. Hang your hats out in the hall, man, and say, Phil, how do you like the Christmas tree? Nice decorations, eh? Oh, boy, look at those popcorn balls. I knew you'd say it that way. We're not going to open our presents until after dinner, but the one I got for you is so beautiful, I want everybody to see it. Go and get it, Mary. Okay. Wait till you see it, Phil. You love it. It's for your apartment. Last year, you gave me some cocktail glasses, and you didn't even wash the cheese out. Phil? Yep. There you are, Phil, a beautiful oil painting, and it's for you. Keep it. You're welcome. Now, wait a minute. You don't realize that this is a masterpiece, a work of art. Maybe you should have taken the calendar off. There's no calendar on it. Look, Phil, this painting is The Birth of Venus by Botticelli. I don't care if it's Whistler's wife, I don't want it. That's Whistler's mother, and there's a guy that don't appreciate the real thing. But, Jack, if this painting were an original Botticelli, it would cost you at least $100,000. What do I care? It's Christmas. It only comes once a year. What if I do spend a little money? Say, Jack. What? If you say up there eight hours, you can get a pilot's license. I'll feel about it. I'll keep it myself. Go out of my way to get an unusual present. Come in. Say, does Jack Benny live here? I thought you'd never get here. Florence Darling, how are you? Gee whiz. Oh, you're looking grand, Jack. You do too, and so does Leonard. Yeah, I'm fine. You're putting on a little weight, ain't you droopy? Oh, fellas, this is my sister Florence and her husband, Leonard. Florence, how's Dad and cousin Boo Boo and everybody? Oh, they're fine. Everybody's swell. That's good. Hey, Leonard, how do you like my new house? Pretty classy, eh? The wallpaper stinks. Florence, this is your first kick-out to Hollywood, isn't it? Yes, and I'm so happy for Leonard. He's just dying to meet all the movie stars. Uh, so is Jack. They ought to get together. Listen, Mary, I know plenty of big stars, and I'll introduce them to Leonard and Florence. Do you know Anne Sheridan? Whoo! Oh, brother. Leonard, will you behave yourself? Oh, let him alone, Florence. He's having a good time. That's right, droopy. Stop calling me droopy. That was years ago. Well, folks, as soon as Andy gets here, we'll eat. You want to wash up a bit first, Leonard? Yeah, where's the sink? Oh, fine. Leonard, you can clean up in my room and I'll take you there in a minute. Chief Florence, it's nice seeing you again. I'm glad you were able to come out. Oh, I am too, Jack. Gee, it's been ages. Now, tomorrow, I'm going to take you over to Paramount Studio and you can watch me do a scene in my new picture. Is Anne Sheridan in it? Whoo-hoo! No, Leonard. Whoo-hoo! You're as bad as cousin Boo-Boo. Gee, I wish Andy had get here. I'm hungry. Me too. Why don't we eat now, Jack? All right, let's do that. When Andy comes, he can join us. Come on, fellas. Let's all go in the dining room. All right. Leonard, what are you doing back there? That's wallpaper. Don't hang right. Leave it alone. It's all right. No, it's too loose. Look at the vacation. I'll have to have that watery done. Well, come on, fellas. Let's eat. See who that is, Rochester. That must be Mr. Divine. Come in. Come in. If you eat too much, I want you to save room for the dessert, you know. What are we having for dessert, Mr. Benny? Tell him, Don. Well, Dennis, what do you think we're having for dessert? Jello. I'll tell you what we're having, Dennis. Don, he just guessed it. For dessert tonight, Dennis, we're having a shimmering dish of tempting delicious strawberry jello. Don, it's no use to guess it. And that got into the neighborhood grocer by simply asking for genuine jello and looking for... Don, he's no... So there you are, Dennis. What are we having for dessert? I still think it's jello. You're right, Dennis, but you know how Don is. Well, folks, soon you're through with dinner. We're all going to play games and have some fun. So this is a Hollywood party, huh? Give me more Keegan any time. Leonard, will you please keep still? This town is overrated. Overrated? You've only been here five minutes. And bragging about a swimming pool. I bet you haven't even got one. Look out of the window. What do you think that is in the backyard? You call that a swimming pool? You ought to see Lake Michigan. Oh, don't let Leonard upset you, Jack. Florence, I told you about this guy ten years ago, but you had to marry him. Oh, Rochester. Yes, boss. This is my sister and brother-in-law. They're going to stay with us a while. They'll be using the guest room. The guest room? Yes. Where's our boy going to sleep? Mr. Billingsley will have to sleep in the den. He's behind, anyway. Now, get the room ready. Okay. Bears, ostriches, relatives. Dog gone if I didn't have this address on my stationery, I'd move. It's the stationery. We're the crest on it yet. Well, finish your dinner, everybody, and we'll play those games. Well, there's Andy at last. Come on in, Andy. Yeah, I hope you don't mind, Andy. We start to eat without you. Oh, that's all right. Buck, I am. Say, Andy, I want you to meet my sister and brother-in-law, Mr. Mrs. Fencho. Well, howdy, folks. How do you do, Mr. Divine? Hello, Andy. How are you fixed for wallpaper? Lender. This is no time for business. Well, Andy, what do you got in that package? A Christmas present my ma knitted for you. Your ma? Well, that's sweet. What is it? It's a combination sock, sweater, and earlamp. Sock, sweater, and earlamp? Well, how do you get into them? I don't know, Buck. When ma knits, she's nuts. You're right. She knitted paws nude for his beard. I'll keep it up out of the soup. Now sit down, Andy. Have a cup of coffee, anyway. Buck, before I forget it, did you hear Fred Allen Wednesday night? What did he say? He sure ribbed you about that picture you two are going to make together. What picture? I'm making one right now. I heard him, too, Jack. He's talking about your next picture. Didn't you know about it? Oh, that's a lot of baloney. No, it isn't. Jack, all the papers carried the story. It said that you and Fred Allen are going to do a picture together, and Mark Sandrich is directing it. Mark Sandrich? Why, he's directing the one I'm making now. Yes, and he's going to direct your next one with Fred Allen. Oh, no, he isn't. I wouldn't make a tin type with that guy. Imagine me making a picture with Allen. I ain't worth it. You keep out of it. I'm not worried either. I don't know, Jackson. Allen's a pretty funny guy. Oh, you're a great judge of comedy, Harris. How do you make a Venetian blind poke him in the eye? I heard you tell that one the other night. Anyway, I'm not doing any picture with Fred Allen. What are you going to do about it, Jack? I'll show you what I'm going to do. Mary, get me Mr. Sandrich on the phone. It's Crestview 15335. OK. I'll tell him a thing or two. You better take it easy, Jackson. Paramount's level to throw you right out. What are you talking about? Yeah, he'll be back hanging paper with me again. I only did that one summer when vaudeville was bad. I'm not worried. Hello? Mr. Sandrich? Droopy wants to talk to you. Don't be smart. Give me that phone. I'll show him who's making a picture with Allen. Hello, Mr. Sandwich? This is Jack Benny. Merry Christmas. Now, look. What's the story going around about my making a picture with Fred Allen? Well, I'm not doing nothing of the kind. Now, look, Mr. Sandrich. Good evening, Mr. Benny. Oh, Mr. Billingsley, you'll sleep in the den until further notice. Very well. Good night. Good night. Now, look, Mr. Sand, through with the picture I'm making now. And if you put Allen to my next one, I'm walking out. I said I'm live, I'll walk out. You know. Some movie star. Leonard. Now, for the last time, Mr. Sandwich, I'm not making a picture with that anemic baboon. Now, Mr. Sandrich. Now, look, Mr. Sandrich. Ask him if he needs any wallpaper. Do you need any wallpaper? Oh, shut up! I'm Mr. Sandwich. My objection to making a picture with Allen is this. Christmas menu. The first course is hospitality. And remember, it must be warm. The entree is a heaping platter of kindness, garnished with such tender herbs as charity and tolerance, and let the dessert be faith, a simple but sustaining dish with a rich sauce of happiness and contentment. Now, there's a grand menu with three big advantages. It costs nothing, it pleases everybody, and you can serve it every day in the year. May it always be yours to enjoy, especially during this happy holiday season. The makers of Jell-O extend to you their very best wishes and heartiest greetings for a joyous yuletide, filled to the brim with fun, feasting, peace, good health, and good cheer. Ladies and gentlemen, Merry Christmas. The current Jell-O series, and we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. Merry Christmas to you all from the whole gang. Good night, everybody. Every Tuesday night, the Aldrich family is on the air, starring Ezra Stone as Henry Aldrich, that lovable hard luck kid. Consult your local newspaper or radio guide for time and stations, and be sure to tune in on the Aldrich family next Tuesday night. This is the National Broadcasting Company.