 Today, I'm talking with Kathy Wittem and we're gonna be talking about parenting. So for any of you who have kids Really from toddler to teens I think this video will be interesting for you. First of all, let me just say hi to you Kathy. Thanks for being here Hi, George. I'm really thrilled So appreciate this opportunity really. Yeah, totally. Let me just share your bio with everybody and then and then we'll kind of get into it so I'm just reading it out as it's written You know how a parent or caregiver can be at their wits end when their child or teen won't listen Well, they just want to be able to enjoy their kid and they're so done with the power struggles for bedtime school work Screen time chores. It seems like no matter how hard they try to be the best parents It never feels like enough because the chaos continues and the relationship with the child gets worse Worry about their child wakes up at night wakes them up at night and they don't understand why other parents aren't struggling in the same way And Kathy partners with parents and caregivers to give help restore peace of mind and peace at home She helps parents get through to their kids without yelling and have better relationships with them based on the understanding that behaviors coming Is communication care Kathy's parent-centric approach that's parents and caregivers Find hope at the intersection of brain science attachment theory family dynamics and intuitive parenting wisdom. That's the longest bio I've ever read But yes, it's it's it's really great work that you're doing so Let's get it get right into it. I actually know that you have I mean, I know that you have a a Graphic it kind of a chart to show us. I wonder actually maybe we could start with that because it kind of gives the It gives the principles that that you Share with people that sounds great. Um, actually because the the core is Okay Why did I think you had you had to pull up just a moment ago? I Oh, there you go. Great. I'm just gonna pull it up again because okay. Um, Is it there? Yes Okay, great. I'm gonna maximize it or it just does automatically. So, um, I talk about a parent-centric approach It's a word that I, um came up with to identify who Whose hands the solution lies in So when you're talking about a parent child relationship the parent is the, um The grown-up the parent is the one where the power lies Even though so often it feels like our kids are in charge um In reality the power and the solution lies with the parents which has been extremely empowering for the parents I've worked with because instead of feeling at the effect of their kids They learn how to Um respond to their kids needs and use strategies that address What is really happening with their kids behavior? What their behavior means and is communicating which is often overwhelming stress So can you give me an example of that? What yeah Say more about that when if you can think of a situation either in One of your clients lives or or in yours? well, sure, um so, um One of the uh, so perfect for parent-centric actually, um a couple I was work. I've worked with had a three-year-old son and When I was working with them They would go to like a birthday party or their friend's house for dinner And inevitably their kid was the kid That would melt down before the cake or they couldn't get him to go play or um He would seem miserable and literally at the by the end would melt down and they'd have to leave with a big tantruming child And I I help them understand That their kid is stress sensitive, which is another thing we can talk more about today Which means that their child has a less of a tolerance for stimulation. Basically He's more introverted. It could be that it could be a number of reasons. It's like a spectrum uh So if some kids might be like, oh, I don't wanna that's like all kids say that at some point, right But this if you go along the spectrum to where their kids like sort of says I don't wanna but if You keep kind of trying to get them to have fun at the party They literally end up in a meltdown of crying and tears and tantrum And that can happen even if they're older than three but for three, you know, it's somewhat expected but that extreme reaction So I got a call from them one day and The the mom was so excited. She's like, I have to tell you what happened We went to the birthday party. It was outside. It was like a carnival with rides and all that Just imagine how a stress sensitive kid feels in light of all that stimulation, right? um And then they noticed him Sort of shutting down they noticed some signs and symptoms that they had identified through our work That he was starting to they knew the next thing was not going to be pretty, right But they noticed and they just they had gotten over worrying about what the other parents would think because They were realizing that their kid needed something And they took him to the car. They left They took him to the car And he immediately fell asleep in his seat And she couldn't be more excited because she felt so good as a parent That she had recognized what he needed and had um taken the right action to do that But that only could happen once she was able to have a new perspective that his behavior as it says in the second principle is an sos not an attack and um so So here so these principles the first two are the ones that I might talk most about today Connection matters more than perfection and behavior is an sos not an attack I'm going to come back on screen Because I realized I was on screen to tell that story. Um, oh, yeah, no you were on screen I was able to to have you there as well. Oh be a little thumbnail wonderful because george is a tech Maiden But um, so that that story explains how she was able to take charge of but instead of Trying to say calm down Um, it's just a little longer Um, why don't you go play? It'll be fun like all the convincing and pushing against the information He was giving her Which is that he was getting overwhelmed and stressed out So that was what parent centric means it puts the solution in the parent's hands instead of the child's hands Or he starts to melt down and he goes in the timeout or something. None of that addresses What the behavior is really communicating? Guy does that make sense? Yeah, it does make sense great So, uh, what else what should keep going with the the principles you'd be like? okay, um so The the core principle really for my whole Work is that connection matters more than perfection And that's very personal to me because um That parent that we you read about you talked about in my bio I used to be that parent and um And the struggle with one of my kids lasted for literally years until They were almost 20 And it's because I didn't know The principles that are now incorporated into my work which are an integration of brain science and um You know the other things I talked about family dynamics attachment. Um But when I learned that the behavior was um coming from a place of Overwhelm or fear not that they were afraid I was going to do something But like a brain fear that starts a cascade of fight or flight in the body Emotions that are difficult for even us as adults Children don't have a way to deal with those they have to learn that from us That they're really only hired hardwired for relationship So whatever they come into is where they learn emotional regulation And most of us I'll speak for myself didn't really learn it that well in what we came into. Um so the the connection more than the perfection was the shift of Trying and trying for years making up a new plan of how to get homework done Trying a new approach saying something right difference Asking other parents who none of them knew what I was talking about and I was like being more consistent trying everything and Inside Knowing that that's something that I didn't know something but I didn't know what it was And so once that brain understanding came in that the behavior was communicating A state of deep a rat of high arousal which could look like a overwhelm could look like Yelling could look like withdrawing could look like so many things And you also mentioned stress-sensitive child. I mean that works into this Exactly. So That's a term. I think I heard it from one of my teachers or I think I did but I use it a lot and it helps parents a lot I've gotten a lot of feedback where they go. Oh, I see because like white can't my kid Be like the other kids Who do their homework after school, you know And and really how many kids do that? I don't know I know but it seems like that when you're struggling, right, right? You feel alone and ashamed Because you can't fix it So the stress sensitivity means if you understand that You if you understand that the actions you take need to be calming for your child not increasing stress Then um, you'll have different results and that that goes right into connection more than perfection So the question is not how can I get my kid to do their homework? the question is How can I connect to my kid right now? That I see that they're being oppositional And my new eyes tell me oh wait behaviors and sls. They have a need. They can't verbalize it Let me calm myself down so I can be more available to help calm them down So it's a it's a very different Um approach than many typical approaches that kind of use consequences And even rewards like get your homework done and you can do your you know do your ipad Well, that's fine if your kid has really pretty good self-regulation school skills But if your kid is stress sensitive It just stresses them more and they get then their homework It takes longer can take hours it took hours for me and the involuteers and pleading and trying and So it doesn't solve it to add a reward or a consequence to a stress sensitive kid I see I see so this for the stress sensitive kid. It's more about Yeah, like you said, I mean it's more about those principles that you laid out there. It's noticing the behavior notice and trying to Trying to see what's underneath that Right and then focusing on that relationship Right to see what's driving the behavior and understanding that if you don't It's it's called co-regulation If you your kid is dysregulated, which means they're they're rational brains not working We we all get dysregulated you know and But when your kid's dysregulated they can't really think clearly so They can't think about what they're doing They have to calm down first so When you connect you can co-regulate if you have calmed yourself down to some extent doesn't have to be perfect That's what I love about the perfection. You you can't be perfect. I tried for many years. I'm a recovering perfectionist You don't have to be perfectly calm down but you do have had to pause and Downshift it a bit. You know um, so that when your child When you approach your child, they don't have to push back against this like energy of your dysregulation Which can flare a power struggle like It's like Could you do this thing and your kid says no and you immediately jump in and go, you know, you have to do this You know, you have to do it now and then they're escalating The image I use is pouring fuel on the fire So your kid says no for instance or they ignore you and you've repeated yourself 20 times already Those are both expressions of the different expressions of fight or flight, right? So If you don't pause it doesn't give them time to internally shift a little And then you pour fire they pour fire you pour fire and now you're triggered And now you're remembering how it used to be when you were a kid and but you're not remembering it consciously. You're just reacting like that um The what you're talking about another term you use is parent-centric approach Right, right because it's really about understanding how you your contribution you're not just the one giving instructions and they're doing it, but It's like your emotional state um is There stay sense it right Yeah, and so I've seen I I don't have kids myself But I've been around people all my life who have kids and I do notice. Oh It's not just literally the words that come out of your mouth. It's not it's not the only thing. They're sensing of course They're seeing everything else But but I don't know maybe I'm not getting it totally right. What what is the parent-centric approach? So that that's um, exactly right. Um, my my first mentor who helped completely turn my relationship around with my kid 180 degrees Um used to say it's not what you're saying or doing It's who you're being When you're saying or doing it And that really goes against the grain of please give me the right words. Tell me what to do and um So while I have a lot of great strategies It's not magic. It's based on shifting your state to take action That makes sense in the situation So it's kind of like good leadership And at all levels it's like this like as a as a leader, you don't tell your You know employees or your teammates or your audience members do this and do this and while you know while I'm doing something else or I'm I'm not embodying Sort of the The information or the knowledge or the wisdom that I'm transmitting It's like no you got to embody it if you embody it and if you Um, it's like there's a there's a partnership between like you're saying your your state Your character, you know, and what is coming out of your mouth or what is being at when you're asking them? Yeah, it's so interesting that it is it's it's your to me I mean, I think you're essentially talking about good leadership, but but yeah because you're also No, exactly because you're talking about modeling and yeah, right I mean, yes, it's different with little ducklings, but honestly the baby ducks Learned by completely modeling from their parents, right? They follow along in the little line well Really a huge part of what kids learn is through modeling and so If our kids are stress sensitive, it means they they need they need to build resilience Resilience is crucial for cognitive function and for emotional intelligence and for emotional regulation So the modeling is the most important thing, which is why I work with parents It isn't that the kids might not need additional support Often I don't know that at first because I don't have a whole picture But sometimes they do need additional support. I take a comprehensive approach But that doesn't mean that I don't think again parents centric Where's the power line? It lies in the hands of the parents the solution lies in the hands of the parents in the sense that Their kids will learn emotional regulation skills by how the parents are not what they tell them yeah, and One of the So one of the specialties you have I mean you you work with parents who I mean anybody who's watching this or listening to this who Can relate to what Kathy's saying, you know, probably want to talk to Kathy. I think she can help you Um, one of the specialties you work with that we haven't talked about yet, which I want to bring in real quick Is you work with parents of gender non-conforming kids um and gender kids right and Tell us. I mean those of you who have That kind of a child know exactly why it's different why it's unique But for those of us who don't or just what share with us from your perspective. Why is that different? How is that different in terms of parenting? Well, I think there's an inherent It can depend on the age of the kid Coming in but if you're up into your puberty years There's going to be a lot of anxiety layered in and anxiety Is an expression of like they're inherently stress sensitive because they have inherent anxiety because of all they're going through with their identity and all the culture around them that can instill a lot of fear or Um, their own internal. I mean any adolescent is Trying to find out who they are But if you have a disconnect between who you are and what your body is it can create a lot of anxiety and lead to some really difficult self-harming behaviors or You know mental health issues it's very complex But it still layers into the same idea that behavior is communication And so while the expression is different I still and and I think that they're um An additional awareness of how much stress and anxiety just being who you are brings up for these kids um and uncertainty um The parent-centric model still applies In the sense that the parents They are um, of course Often worried about their kids The parents that are trying to support their kids. Okay um Have it's kind of a lot. They're lost a bit because they're um They don't have much reference point for themselves So they want to support their kids and they're trying to support their kids in this like unknown land And they don't know how to navigate it really But they're they're doing their best. Of course, I'm talking about the supportive parents whose kids are so fortunate to have them and yet the parents They need guidance. They need help dealing with their own complex feelings that they include grief and You know all kinds of things they have to deal with but not with their kids And the parent-centric model allows Them to become Sort of who they need to be so when they try to reach out to their kid and their kid lashes out And instead of responding by walking on eggshells around their kid, which doesn't help anyone They can start to get more centered and grounded in themselves to understand what's happening And and also I have a lot of resources and helps guide them to the right support And speaking of the kind of resources support you provide I want you to talk about two of those things you have You have a way to work with people you call the standalone session And then you also have a group thing going on for sheltering in place right now so Let's uh, let's start with uh, let's start with a sheltering place if that's okay. Let's start with that I'll go the the the standalone. So what's the sheltering place? Events that you're doing well Parents are dealing with a lot of new issues having to be home work at home Maybe be solo prenerds at home. Yeah, which is kind of In a way more challenging because their income then depends on that um and be teachers and be parenting and all the things so, um I've I started this weekly Zoom group parent group called sheltering in place with kids or sheltering plus sanity at home um Where and it's it's been a great opportunity for parents to come together to find support And to like share ideas even like that's what's been so great too Is like so how do you deal with this and then an exchange can happen a feeling of not being alone and also I can come in with some, um guidance, uh, which is what happened last week where the dad was like You know since she started doing a lot more schoolwork instead of like doing it on our own There's a lot more tension. So I brought in about connection and gave them specific strategies about how to Structure things maybe differently or a special time with their kid or you know So we brought in some strategies that were helpful And he gave me ideas About what he thinks what he needed, you know, and how to deal with screen time That's a huge thing right and this group. I want to mention is uh, you're doing it right now On a pay what you can basis. Yes, I am. So it's like, you know, don't let money be an issue Obviously depending on what your income level is. So, um, I'll put the link In the video notes. So be sure to check that out and then you can see Yeah, it's really anywhere from zero up. Um, so it's it's obviously affordable for everybody Um, the other thing you do is the standalone session. Um, tell us about that a bit. Yeah, so well when people often when people want to explore whether someone's A person they want to work with or the right fit or Has the right philosophy for their for what they want. Um It can be hard to to get that opportunity without it being laced into some maybe a package or something like that So I I've I've um created these standalone sessions Which is just that it gives the parent chance to share their challenges Me a chance to share my philosophy we get to feel feel out each other. Do we click? You know and I can tell them what then at the end I sort of can say well Here's what I think our some might work for you and they can tell me how they feel Like it's really a chance to get to know each other But more than that really see if we click and they Like what they hear when they see the seven principles. Do they resonate or do they they say no, no, that's not for me And so, um, I want them to know that so I have two standalone sessions on the page that I gave you the link One is for parents of tranlan g and c kids and one is for the parents that they're with and with the behavior Um, which often is driven by anxiety, which is a huge deal these days With kids so so I'll be sure to obviously the links will be in the video notes So be sure to check it out if those of you who are interested Kathy, thank you so much for doing your work You're so welcome and um, I love my work so much because I want to pay it forward I don't think any parent needs to struggle the way I did and yeah, so I want to share that and Thank you So for those of you watching if you um connect with if you have kids yourself connect with Kathy's philosophy Please do click on one of the links and and try out her services Those of you who know somebody with kids that um are that they're having a challenging time with Send this video to them or send the links to them So with that, thanks everybody for watching. Thank you. Thank you, Kathy. Thank you so much, George