 Welcome, you good people, on behalf of our sponsors. We are one of the few remaining radio shows that's lucky enough to have a sponsor. So if you enjoy yourself during the next half hour, you can do us all a big favor, if you would. And that is some time this week. Stop by your neighborhood RCA. There could be a 27-inch television set or a record player. We'd like to be working up here next year at the same time. I don't know whether you know it or not, but throughout the country, with the exception of Los Angeles, we have a new time this year. And on Friday evening, excuse me. And also, you know, that Phil is out on his own for the first time. So what do you say? We all get together and give a great big welcome to the man who discussed the South Bill Hatch. Let's do this! I'm calling a plaudic and glad to see me. And I just want to tell you, I love you, Ford, because I need you. I've been with Jack for 16 years. They ain't no money connected with that. Tonight is taking a dark room. Gives you one fast-forward to love and blooming you've had at fly. In this living I'll certainly appreciate it. I got off to a bad start when I married Alice. They told me she had money, but I'll be damned to fight. Something I see you guys, you service guys in the audience. And I just want you to know that you can come to my show anytime. Because, ladies and gentlemen, the servicemen are the finest audiences we have. And it's true. I went to the Navy because I was in the Navy during the last war myself. That's right, Ford. I fought the Battle of Catalina. We lost eight lobster traps over there. They blamed us, you know, the water came up and took them away. But they had a very unique way of selecting their enlisted men when I went into the Navy according to what they'd done in private life. See, they were particular in those days. So I went in with a couple of buddies of mine and went up with a street cleaner and they put him on a minesweeper. And this other buddy of mine was a construction guy. He tore down stuff and carried it off. See, so they put him on a destroyer. How I ever wound up on a ferry boat, I was like, I'm gonna be a good group tonight. Ah, dear, the story about the guy who walked the barber shop said, how many ahead of him did the barber says three? The guy went on, he doesn't come back. Next day comes in again, says the barber. How many ahead of him did the barber says three? The guy walks out, he doesn't come back. Now, the barber's going, Matt, you know, he's up all day only speaking the clink of them scissors. No, you know, the guy is... Oh, that's the Chinese drips. You know, the guy, he don't know. He works up every time the guy goes out, so he walks out the boot like the barber does. He says the boot like, he says, look, every day a guy comes in, what's going on, I'm in his head, I tell him, he goes out, he don't come back. He says, if he does it tomorrow, follow him. I want him to know. Next day the guy came in, says the barber. How many ahead of him did the barber says three? The guy walks out the boot like follows him, comes back in about 20 minutes. The barber says, where'd he go? Where'd he go? The boot like says to your house. He runs to fill out the 12-story building. He falls out of this building, he's 12 stories high, and he's drunk and he falls out and boom, he hits the sidewalk, there's a big crowd around, he gets up, rushes himself, falls. The fellow walks up, says, what happened? He says, damn, fine, oh, I just got here. The guy pulls up and blinds, they're walking down the railroad track, the one drunk looks at the other and says, man, it's the longest staircase I ever came down to. The other one says, I don't mind that, it's these low banisters. Ladies and gentlemen, we've obtained, I'd like to tell you, and also for our organization, we have, ladies and gentlemen, one of the finest working organizations, I think it is possible to obtain, and I'm very thankful, because in our business, one or two people can't do it, you must have a very fine, functioning organization. We're very well, for instance, everyone you see sitting on that stand does an outstanding job on his or her to take a for instance. LAUGHTER We have a genius on our hands, and I am, I'm speaking the truth now. He's already had two of his own compositions played in the Hollywood Bowl. He has been a nominated sixth time for the Academy Award. He was a nominated last year for the beautiful conducting and arranging of all the wonderful music, if you heard, in the Hans Fritz Nanen story, and just missed the Academy Award by a few votes this year. He's just finished another big picture, and we're all keeping our fingers crossed about the French line, and he is now doing the new in the process of making the new Martin and Lewis picture, so this kid's going like a bear. This is Walter Sharpen. Most of these fellows have been around me for many, many years, ladies and gentlemen, because I started as a militant music, and I was a drummer. They let us in a union. That's about all you can say for it, but I did have an opportunity of meeting a lot of wonderful guys over these many years. Every fellow sitting up there has done something outstanding in our music business, and as much as most of them have been with, well, I'd say all of the big Dixieland bands and all of the important bands in the United States. They now have family, and they're out here, and other businesses and they come with me today. But I have a couple of them. I could introduce you and tell you the history of every boy that would be interesting, but we don't have the time tonight. We'll be on on KMDA and does a wonderful job and is one of our outstanding orchestra leaders in the whole United States. Alpino Ray, ladies and gentlemen. So I'm not going to tell you how many, but he too has been very, very successful. He is known as a tradition in his particular line of business and his particular type of music. His records, some records that he made fifteen, maybe eighteen years ago are collected by him. He's still making records, and it's one of the greatest exponents of Dixieland jazz. Red Nichols. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to have you meet somebody without her. This program wouldn't be possible. I'm not going into it. I'm just going to tell you I've been married to her for twelve years and we have two beautiful children and she's not only the most beautiful girl in the world, but didn't get to have a lot of talent. Alice Spade, a girl to play the part of Alice and Phyllis on our program. One of the most competent little actresses we have in this business. One of us is at the present time over making a picture with Vane Crosby on White Christmas and we're all pulling for her. Say hello to Jeanine Rousse and Anne Westfield, ladies and gentlemen. She's done for me. A barking dog never bites. I want you to be awfully nice to them because they're very important guys and I am very thankful that they came over to work on my show. They too are well known on the pictures all of them and they do a lot of important things in our field of acting. The first one has been with us before. It's awfully nice to have him back again and I want you to be awfully nice to him. Say hello to Dick Allen, ladies and gentlemen. We hope to have him back again a lot because we're always assured of a fine performance Mr. Dick Rye. Here's a fellow that's been a friend of mine for many, many years. We used to shoot together about a vacant field and we used to have a lot of fun and it's awfully nice to be able to renew Ole Quaintance. This is an outstanding act, ladies and gentlemen, in Hollywood for quite a number of years. Mr. Douglas Dunn, brother. He steals our show every week and we're happy because he's got a lot of talent. He plays the part of Judy Subrucio, the grocery boy, Walter Ketley. Thanks, ladies and gentlemen, for coming to see us. Mainly thanks for being so nice and I certainly hope you enjoy the program and what I'm trying to say is for God's sake, relax. But soft. What light through yonder window breaks it is the east and Juliet is the sun. Oh, Harris, you ought to be pitching for the Yankees. You've got so much on the ball. Marcia Victor, world leader and radio person, recorded music and first in television presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show transcribed written by Ed James and Lou Durman with Elliot Lewis, Walter Ketley, John Hubbard, Janine Roos, Anne Whitfield, Walter Sharpney's music and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Tonight we bring you a bright little gem entitled The Traffic Problem in Los Angeles or Dante's Inferno. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program Alice Faye and Phil Harris. When the average husband refers to his better half, he means his wife but not Phil Harris. To Phil his better half is his left profile. What? Or is it his right? Well, anyway, here he comes with both profile shining and a full set of teeth to match. Two loves have I, it's a perfect parlay. My wife's a doll but I love our C.A. Oh, hiya, honey. What are you looking at? Oh, Phil, the prints of our new pictures just arrived. Oh, they did, huh? Let's mail them out and let's not keep all that beauty to ourselves. Hey, they look pretty good, don't they? Nice saying. Gosh, you look wonderful, Alice. Just wonderful. Oh, thank you, kind sir, she said. I don't know about me. Somehow pictures don't do me justice. You're my wife, Phil. No, honey, I mean it. Now look at this one. Look. He's got that boyish twinkle in my eyes but, well, he didn't capture my lovable devil may care smile. You mean you're a wolfish leer? No, I mean the magnetic charm that makes me irresistible to all females between 16 and 60. Is that their age or their IQ? Take it easy, will you, Brenda? You married me, didn't you? Don't that show that I attract the brainy type? Do that again, Alice, will you? That reminds me of a dame I used to go with nicely. Oh, you're kidding. No, no, no, I'm not. You should have seen her red hair, blue eyes and skin like a 10-year-old. How old was she? 10 years old. Of course, I was only 11 at the time and in some days I was known as Marshmilla Harris. Toast to the campfire girls. When was the days? Hey, Phil, speaking of girls which you somehow always manage, what do you suppose happened to ours? They should have been home from school an hour ago. Maybe they got too smart and the teacher's keeping them in to give them some more stupid pills. It happens, it happens. Phyllis told me she said she would have had straight A's last month if it wasn't for them stupid pills. Oh, I don't know. Those girls tell you anything and you believe it. Honey, honey, wait a minute. Phyllis got a D in English, didn't she? And you know no daughter of mine ain't getting no D in English if they ain't giving her no stupid... A coquette. A what? A coquette. It's a small coke. I happen to know this English language like a native. So go ahead, test me again, ask me anything. All right. What's a silhouette? It's a small salute. A baguette. Well, that is good. Oh, a baguette's a small girl. Oh, honey, they didn't hand out another of them stupid pills when I went to school. Oh, they handed out something. Hi, everybody. We're home. Well, it's about time you kids got here. Where have you been? Girls, you know I worry. Every time you don't come straight home from school. But we did, Mom. You just can't get across Ventura Boulevard. That's all. Well, why don't you cross with the light? There isn't any light at White Oak. And every time you try to cross, the cars begin chasing you. But we fool them. We keep running back and forth. Had a girl. Get into it. Don't give them a chance to aim. Just get into it. Don't they have a crosswalk at White Oak? Well, it's all rubbed out. How about the safety zone? Honey, them things are pickup stations for the Blue Cross. The only way to get on the other side of Ventura Boulevard is to be born there. Well, what happened to that petition that Willie got up for a light at White Oak? Didn't everybody sign it? Well, the city said the funds were all gone. Oh, fine, fine, funds. A big city like this and they can't shell out for one puny light. I know somebody can fix it. Sniffy. Sniffy. She thinks he's so wonderful. He's a district attorney, isn't he? Sun district attorney. Oh, wait a minute. Sniffy is the district attorney? How could a 15-year-old kid be a... Well, look, honey, it's boy's week and Sniffy's father appointed him honorary district attorney. Oh, wow. He's anything like his father. He'll be a big help. My boyfriend is the assistant fire chief. Some boyfriend. And he can get a light faster than any old district attorney, I bet you. He cannot. How are you, kid? What good is an old district attorney? He isn't old and he's better than any old fire chief. He isn't. Look, when you cut it, he is a kid, too. He is a kid. It is. Will you stop that? Stop it. Pardon me. Is this the contented hour? Late. Come on in. Hi, Uncle Elliot. Hi. What's up? I can hear you clear down the driveway. Uncle Elliot isn't a district attorney better than a fire chief. Assistant fire chief. All right, girls. That's even worse. It isn't either. Okay, that does it. Upstairs, the both of you. But, Dad... You heard your father upstairs. But, Mom... You and your district attorney think he's so wonderful. He's better than your old fire chief. He isn't either. He isn't either. He isn't. The bottle glued on that head. Trying out for what's my line? Have something we'd like to discuss. Go ahead. I won't say anything. I'll just listen. Wait a minute, honey. Wait a minute. Elliot. Hmm? You know, sometimes a married couple likes to be alone. They do? How would you like it if you were married to Alice and I was around all the time? Let's try it that way for a while. There's no traffic light at White Oak and Alice and Phyllis have a terrible time getting across the street. Why do they have to cross the street? To get on the other side. Oh, Curly. Joe Miller would be proud of you. It ain't a joke. He thought it was. Elliot, the school's on the other side. Nah, that's ridiculous. Who ever heard of a chicken going to school? What chicken? The one that crossed the street to get to the other side. Alice, can I see you out in the garage? What's going on out in the garage? Elliot, now look, honey, this is a very serious problem. Okay, let's all go out in the garage. It's got nothing to do with the garage. Alice and Phyllis can't cross the street because there isn't any traffic light. Why don't they use the crosswalk? Because there isn't any crosswalk. Okay, let's paint one. Now look, Elliot. Listen to me. Wait a minute. You don't have to say a word to me, honey. I promised you and I'm not getting mixed up in any more of his crazy ideas. But it's a good idea. I like it. Rocket ship to the moon. Uranium and... You what? I think Elliot's idea is very good. Oh, honey, you better get some sleep. Lie down right over here. Now, take it easy. Just rest a minute. Stop it, Phil. There's nothing wrong with me and there's nothing wrong with Elliot's idea. But every other time Elliot's had an idea... You've gotten into trouble, I know. But how can you possibly get into trouble painting a few white lines? She's right, Curly. I don't know. It doesn't take any brains. A three-year-old child can paint a white line. You see, Curly, it's right down our alley. All we need is some paint and a couple of brushes. I got a feeling that something's going to happen. But let's go paint some lines. Boy, look at them cars. There must be a million of them. Look at them later, will you? We've got to get these lines painted. Okay, Mr. Rembrandt, where are we starting? Right at the corner. Now you start on this side and I'll go across the street and we'll both work toward the middle. Got it? Got it. And Curly, look out! That guy almost killed me. Did you see him snarl when he missed? Yeah. Look, Elliot. I'll start over here and you go across the street. Okay. And Curly, look out! Why don't we just paint lines on this side? Elliot, why do you ask so many stupid questions? That's stupid? Sure it's stupid. We're supposed to paint a crosswalk all the way across. If we only put lines on one side of the street, it's no good. We'll have all this paint left over. We could paint a couple of lines down the middle. A straight one for men drivers and a zigzag one for lady drivers. We're going to paint a crosswalk. Okay, let's start painting. All right now, move over there about 10 feet and then we'll paint across together. Right, you just give me the notice. All right. On your mark, get set, go! Let's talk this thing over. Okay. If we can't get out into the road, we can't paint the lines, can we? That seems like a reasonable supposition. And every time we step off the curb, we get chased by a car. Right? Dead. Right. That's what I'm afraid of. Now, there's only one sensible way to do this. One of us has to paint and one of us has to act as a decoy. A decoy? Yeah. What's a decoy? A decoy. Well, it's like, look, one of us stands in the middle of the road and the cars all aim at him. So they don't notice the other guy. Who is quietly painting. You mean the guy that's out there ducking cars? That's a decoy. Yeah. One of us. You wouldn't have any ideas about which one of us. Good luck, Elliot. Just remember I'm doing this for your wife and kids. Your wife and kids. Get much paint and done, Curly? Well, if it ain't Crazy Legs Hearst. Back in that old fake rude. Yeah, man, you were spinning in and out. How's the painting coming along? Are you kidding? I didn't even get the brush wet. Fine. I'm getting chased all over the Boulevard and you go to sleep on the job. Are you kidding? You weren't gone two seconds. In two seconds, how could I get ten years older? Now look, let's try it again and try to stay out there a little longer. Oh, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, Curly. Just hold it. Now what's the matter? I got a better idea. People get killed even in crosswalks, don't they? Sure. But it ain't considered cricket. Cricket, schmicket, they get knocked for a loop. You know what we do? What? We dig a tunnel. Elliot. That's a very practical idea. I don't know about that. Look, Curly, do they have crosswalks over the Hudson River? No. Do they have tunnels under the Hudson River? Well, sure. Then why ain't it a good idea? I ain't said it wasn't. I ain't said it wasn't. I just don't think that Alice is going to like it. That's all. She liked the crosswalk, didn't she? And this is better, believe me. Well, I don't know. Elliot, where are you going? You stay right there, Curly. I got to borrow a pick and shovel. This is tough work. I'm getting a blister. Oh, what are you worried about? Another couple of hundred feet and you'll be all through. Go ahead, Roy. Keep digging. Let me hear it up here. Dig it out. All right. Hey, Curly. Yeah. There's another flock of wires down here. What kind? Sam's last time. Bell telephone. Pull them out. Sure. What do we want with telephone wires? Now, if there was electric wires leading to an RCA Victor television set with a 27-inch screen, that'd be different. You mean RCA Victor television sets work good in tunnels? Good. They even work in a cave. Peter the hermit's got one in every room. Nothing. But these are telephone wires, so I chop them out, right? Right. Okay. Chop, chop. Beautiful night, isn't it? You and your friend lost something? Oh, no, no. We're just digging a hole. Hey, Curly. Here's the wire. Okay. Toss it out. Yep. That's the point. It's just some old telephone wires we chopped out, officer. I see. Hey, Curly. I got a rest for a minute. Oh, hello, officer. Would you mind telling me exactly what you're doing? Well, when we started, we were painting the crosswalk. It peed under the ground? No, no, no. No, you see, my friend here explained to me that they didn't have any crosswalks over the Hudson River, but they had lots of tunnels. So we decided to dig one. Oh, this is going to be a tunnel under the Hudson River, is that it? No, officer. They have tunnels like this all over the world, like in Germany under the Autobahn. And you're digging a spare. He's got a great sense of humor, isn't he? No, no, officer, look. Let's get sharp as a biscuit. No, look, you don't understand, officer. You see, I've got two little girls and they have to cross the road. Like Joe Miller's chicken. But there's no light here. So we're digging a tunnel instead. You're digging a tunnel under Ventura Boulevard? There's no better way to get across. We could build a bridge, but a tunnel's so much more practical. Especially when it rains. Well, you keep digging your tunnel, boy. I've got to make me call into the station. Yeah, all right, so long, officer. It was nice talking to you. Yeah, you come back any time. Hey, he was a nice guy, wasn't he? Yeah, he was. Hello, Kim, this is Mike. Send the wagon. I've got a couple of duty. I'll only stay a few minutes. All right, Mrs. Harris, you'll find your husband and sell, too. That's the bridal suite. Thank you. The bridal suite? Yes, ma'am. That has twin straight jackets. Well, you were supposed to paint two little lines. Honey, honey, it's all a mistake. We'll be out of here in no time. We're like tell my congressman. Just wait. What am I going to tell the girls? Their father's a jailbird. Now, don't worry, Alice. I'll be out the first thing in the morning. If they hadn't taken away the pick and shovel, we could have been out of here tonight. Honey, I was brought your pajamas and your toothbrush. Oh, thanks, honey, but it's not that bad. This ain't a bad jail. It's nice and warm. Well, I'd better go, Phil. Can't you stay a few more minutes? But the girl... No sense going out in the cold when you could stay here in a nice, comfortable jail. Phil, I ought to go home. Honey, please. I simply can't stay. Baby, it's cold outside. I've got to go away. Baby, it's cold outside. This evening has been... Oh, very warm. I'll hold your hands. They're just like mine. My mother will start to worry. Beautiful. Watch your hurry. And father will be pacing the floor. Let's shoot the fireplace. So, really, I'd better scurry. Beautiful. Please don't love her. Well, maybe just a half a drink more. Put some records on while I walk. The neighbors may think... Baby, it's bad out there. Say, what's in this room? No caps to be had out there. I wish I knew how. Your eyes are like starlight now. I'll take your hat, your hair. I ought to say, no, no, no. Mind if I move in closer. At least I'm going to say that I tried. What's the sense of hurtin' my pride? I really can't stay. Oh, baby, don't hold out. Oh, but it's cold outside. I simply must go. Baby, it's cold outside. The answer is no. Baby, it's cold outside. The welcome has been... How lucky that you dropped in. Oh, nice and warm. Look out the window at that strong. My sister will be suspicious. Guys, your lips look delicious. My brother will be there at the door. Waves are on the top of the show. My man and his mind is vicious. Guys, your lips are delicious. Well, maybe just a cigarette more. Never such a blizzard before. I've got to get home. But baby, you freeze out there. Say, lend me a call. It's up to your knees out there. Boy, you've really been crying. I thrill when you touch me. How can you do this thing to me? There's bound to be talk tomorrow. Think of my lifelong son. At least there will be plenty implied. If you get no more near and die. I really can't stay. Get over, baby. Oh, but it's cold. What's wrong with digging a tunnel? Quiet over there. Yes, Your Majesty. Your Honor. Yes, sir. This will call to the law standard to district division 32. The Honorable Robert Anderson presiding is now in session. Be seated. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, this is boys' week, and so assisting me on the bench will be a representative elected to this office by the student body of the Encino High School. My colleague and associate, the Honorable Julius Abruzio. See, Judge Abruzio. It's a question. Yes, Your Honor. What? Charge, destroying. Judge Abruzio, may I confer with you for one moment? Okay, Your Honor. Everybody hold it a second. Judge Abruzio, before we sentence the defendants, don't you think it might be a good idea to hold the trial? But, Judge, I know these guys. Jack, on the grounds that he's a revelant in material and inconstitutional. According to the 21st Amendment. The 21st Amendment. That repeals prohibition. Yeah, wasn't that a beauty? Julius, you wouldn't do a thing like that, would you? Abruzio, shall we proceed? The causes of this country are designed to protect the innocent as well as to punish the wrongdoer. In our democracy, every man is deemed innocent until proven guilty. You're a resting officer, Your Honor. We're in great shape. Swear in the witness. You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? I do. Proceed, Your Honor. Dig in a hole. I object it was a tunnel. Now you did it, it opened by itself. Proceed, Judge Abruzio. Spoil sports. Abruzio, are you implying that these men have been known to indulge? Indulge. Yes, Your Highness. According to the complaint you and this other gentleman. For goodness sake. Mr. Harris. Yes, sir. I recognize the spirit which prompted your action. Recognize it, you can follow it. But we cannot have the people taking matters into their own hands. After all, what would we have if everyone decided to dig his own tunnel? Live pedestrian. He broke it. I'm afraid the court can do nothing but find you both guilty as charged. But, Your Honor. Judge Abruzio will pass sentence. Yes, Your Honor. Mr. Lewis. You just wait, you little crumb. I sentence you to 160. Julius, Your Honor. All we did was dig a hole. Judge Abruzio, the penalty in a case of this type is generally a fine. You mean I can't have... I'm afraid not. According to my calculations, we need another $210. $210? For what? Now, wait a minute. That's 500 bucks for digging one little hole. Not exactly. It's 500 bucks to install one traffic light adventurer and white oaks. Taste this mess. This is Phil again. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, and boys and girls, we've tried to have a little fun with the traffic problem, and we hope we gave you a few laps. But we'd also like to remind you that the holiday season is coming up, and that means a lot of added traffic on foot and in cars. So let's all try to take it a little easy, especially around the schools. When we're driving, let's watch those traffic lights and crosswalks because they'll be there. So look for them. Let's all be careful and have a real happy holiday this year. Good night, everyone. Say good night to the people, honey. Good night, everybody. That's my girl. Included in this program, Francecribe were Douglas Dumbrill, Dick Elliott and Dick Ryan. The part of Julius was played by Walter Thetlin. This has been an NBC Radio Network presentation.