 Craft presents the Great Gilder Sleeve. The craft cheese company who also bring you Bing Crosby every Thursday night presents each week at this time Harold Perry as the Great Gilder Sleeve, written by Leonard L. Levinson. We'll hear from the Great Gilder Sleeve in just a moment. But first, do you know what comes to my mind when I think of fresh bread, steaming hot baked potatoes, tasty pan-fried breakfast eggs, luscious cakes and cookies? Well, I think of that delicious modern margarine, parquet margarine made by craft, because parquet margarine makes all those good tasting foods taste even better. Yes, parquet's smooth, delicate flavor makes it grand for table use, makes it a real flavor shortening for baking mouth-watering cookies, cakes and pastries. Yes, and parquet margarine is a delicious seasoning for hot vegetables, makes pan-fried foods tastier too. That's why I think of parquet when all sorts of good foods come to mind. And another thing, whether you serve parquet margarine at the table or use it for cooking, you can be sure it's good for your family. It's made from selected American farm products that are wholesome and nourishing. What's more, parquet is a highly nourishing energy food and every single pound contains 9,000 units of important vitamin A. So try economical parquet margarine tomorrow. Just ask your dealer for parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. The delicious margarine made by craft. And now let's visit our friend the great Gilder Sleeves. More hot cocoa, Judge Hooker? No thanks, Bertie. I'm warm enough. My but a nice fire feels good on a cool night, doesn't it, Gilder Sleeves? How should I know? You've been blocking the heat in front of this fire all evening. You're not careful you'll give yourself a high hot foot. But, gee, Uncle Mort, don't you think the fire is good for Judge Hooker's ideas? I don't know what you mean, Leroy. Well, you said they were just half-baked. Yes. I don't recall. Young man, isn't it time for you to be in bed? Yeah, but you promised I could stay up as long as we had company. That's right, only I never thought the company... Excuse me, Judge, I guess my foot's fallen asleep. Oh, you needn't hint, Gilder Sleeves. I'm going. Only it's been so cozy here, and the conversation's been so interesting. The conversation sounded more like a monologue to me. Don't they let you talk down in your courtroom, Judge? Oh, man, he's just lonely and blue, that's all. Who's lonely and blue? Why, just because I like the family atmosphere around here, in preference to sitting in that big, cold, empty house of mine, I'm lonely and blue? Yes, otherwise you wouldn't come and stand in front of our fire and get all friendly and pink. Well, maybe you're right. You know what you need, Judge Hooker? Some good woman. No, no, I don't. I've tried a dozen housekeepers, but they all quit. Well, personally, I don't blame them, Judge. You're as crusty as a carload of peanut brittle. What do you mean, crusty? I'll have you know that I'm still considered one of Summerfield's most eligible bachelors. Yeah, eligible for what? Social security? Aren't you in bed yet? Oh, another hint. Birdie, my coat and hat, please. Now, Judge, don't leave just because Leroy is going to bed. How about a game of homemade rummy? Oh, thanks, Gildy. You play rummy like an old maid and old maid like a rummy. Oh, a bad loser, eh? Here's your wraps, Judge, and I'll be sure to bundle up well. Thank you. My, my, I don't blame the government for clamping down on the weather reports. Why, Birdie? Well, the less said about this weather, the better. I guess you're right. Good night, you little legal loophole. Now, don't be too harsh on him, Mr. Gilles, please. The poor man is only hungry for companionship. Yes, and our food. Why, when he looks at you in this nice house with your nice niece and nephew and eating all the nice meals I've picked, he gets so green it looks like spring is here again. Yeah. You know, deep down, Birdie, I really like the little Duffer. And when I spoke about him needing a good woman, I didn't mean a housekeeper. I meant a good wife. But some nice ladies that he might take too. Big of me, Birdie, you really only love what? You want to count my chickens before their hatch, but Leroy, I thought I told you to go to bed. You did, Uncle, more twice. Well, I'm not going to tell you again. Gee, that's swell, Uncle. I was getting sort of monotonous. Yeah. The only thing more difficult than getting you to bed at night is waking you in the morning. Ah, good morning, Uncle. Say, remember what you said last night about finding somebody to marry Judge Hooker? Oh, well, I, I didn't mean for you to hear that, young man. Well, it's lucky I did because I've got somebody all lined up. Tell my teachers at school, Miss Cagle. Huh? Boy, the whole class has been trying to figure out a way to get rid of her ever since September. They have? Yeah, well, they'd be glad when I tell them the judge is going to marry her. Oh, here, here, wait a minute, Leroy. First, what sort of a lady is this, Miss Cagle? Well, to give you an idea, the kids elected her Miss Poison Puss of 1942. Unanimous. Why, she's so... If she's anything at all like that, I'd nominate her for the title of Miss Hooker. Is that wrong? Well, after all, we're trying to make the judge's life brighter. Miss Cagle sounds like a drip of the first water. Oh, gee, that's right. I was so anxious to get her off our hands, I didn't realize what a dirty trick it would be on the judge. Yeah. Well, we'll have to think of somebody else, I guess. Excuse me, Mr. Gillsley, but how about looking here in the morning paper? The morning paper? For what? For the bride. Maybe one of the persons in the personal environment looking. Let me see. Oh, yes, here we are. Personals. Attractive young lady, a blonde, wishes to meet sympathetic gentlemen of means. Object, Hollywood. No, I don't think... I don't think that's the judge's style. Read the next one, that sounded better. Yes, here it is. Well-to-do widow, interested in meeting professional man over 50. Have refined tastes and grand piano. Owned car and seven delightful children who will add life to any home. Oh. Jeepers, seven kids. Yes, wrong number. I'm sorry, Birdie. I'm afraid our little justice wouldn't have any peace if we snagged him a help made out of the help wanted. Oh, Jeepers, look at the time. I gotta get over to Piggy Banks' house. Yeah, what for, Leroy? His Aunt Henrietta is knitting sweaters for the army and I'm to bring her some wool margarie left for us. Well, run along by all means then. Say, Henrietta Banks. What's the matter with her? Nothing, she's perfect. Her for Judge Hooker, I mean. She has a nice social position. Her grandfather was the first white child born in this county. And she's really not bad looking. Gee, I didn't know you knew Piggy's aunt, Uncle Mort. Yes, I met her about 10 years ago. I remembered I just ripped my trousers before she came over and I didn't dare get up all the time she was here. It really was very embarrassing. She sure sounds like the future Miss Judge Hooker. Yeah, well, I'm going to try anyway. Let me have that yarn, Leroy. I'll deliver it. While I'm there I can sort of subtly get around talking about the judge and matrimony and things like that. Well, I'll get your hat and coat off. But what about that appointment you had to get examined for insurance, Mr. Gilles? Oh, yes, the insurance doctors do here in half an hour. You tell him I was called away on business, Verdi. Have him come in a day or so. If I'm going to press the judge's suit, I'd better strike while the iron is hot. Hey, Uncle Mort. Can I kick out of this idea? Won't the judge be surprised when he finds out all I'm doing for him? Well, here I go. Good luck, Miss Gilles, please. Happy hunting, Uncle. Yes, well, thanks. Goodbye. He's a pretty squall guy, isn't he, Verdi? He sure is. Going to all that trouble just to make two lonely people happy. That's right. Look at him walking down the street. A regular Dan Cupid. Now, little Henrietta Banks. Why, you haven't changed a day since I saw you ten years ago. I haven't. Oh, you're just being nice. Now, don't tell me. I know who you are. You're Mr.... Mr. Gilder's something. That's right. Gilder's sleeve. The fancy you're remembering me all this time. Well, won't you come in, Mr. Gilder's sleeve? I don't mind if I do. My nephew, Leroy Forrest, was bringing over this yarn for you, and he happened to mention your name, and I said, well, never mind. You'd be surprised what I said. Well, have a chair, won't you? Thank you. I can't imagine how you could remember me. After all, we only met once before, and you seemed so shy then. Shy? Oh, yes, I remember. That was just a temporary bashfulness on my part. I suppose I was just afraid of making the wrong impression. As if you could have. As if I couldn't have. But tell me, Miss Banks, or rather, Henrietta, that is, if you don't mind. Oh, no, no, not at all. Go ahead. When Leroy told me that you were here, I was greatly surprised to hear that you were still Miss Banks. You were? Yes. My, but I'll bet you put up a gallant fight against all the men who must have wanted a certain independence. Oh, well, I knew that would be the trouble. That attitude of yours is hardly fair to us poor men, Henrietta. Oh, do you think so? Let's just kill the slaves. Absolutely. My marriage is the most delightful of partnerships, as I'm told, and reminds me, there's someone right here in this town who'll be just wonderful for you. Oh, really now? I don't know what I know what you're talking about. I'll tell you. Oh, don't, so embarrassing. Who is it? Well, I'm not going to mention any names, but this fellow, well, he's been awfully lonesome. When I heard your name this morning, I mean, when he heard your name this morning. Oh, yes, yes, I understand. Well, that is, he is, I mean... Oh, Mr. Gildesley, you haven't changed a bit. You're just as bashful and boyish as you were the first time I met you. Well, I wasn't quite prepared. Possibly I'd better come back another time. Yes, I think I should go now. You'll be hearing from me later. I will. Mr. Gildesley. Oh, not goodbye. Au revoir, Henrietta. Oh, hello, Martha. Oh, Martha, you're acquainted with everyone in Summerfield. Well, tell me all you know about this, Mr. Gildesley. Yes, yes, that's the one. Yes. Yes. No. Well, what do you... No. No. Because I've ever had to listen to an all my life. Oh, hello, Gildesley. Hi. Glad you dropped in. How's everything? Coming along better than you'd ever suspect, Judge. Remember our conversation out at the house the other night? Of course I do. And as soon as I left, I thought of some dandy answers too. Well, let me see if I can remember. No, don't bother. But there's one thing I've been thinking about, Gildy old man. Yeah, what was that, Judge? You remember saying that what I needed was a good woman? Yeah. I didn't give that much thought at first, but now I believe you're right. Oh, that's fine. And I have a little lady who'd be just a person for you. You think she'd know how to run my home right, huh? Oh, yes, and make you very happy too. Hope she knows how to cook. Oh, yes. I'm sure she's a wonderful cook. Very nice-looking also. Not interested in her looks, Gildy. At my age, a good cook is a lot more important than a pretty face. Oh. Well, this lady is both. I mean, she has both. Huh? That is, she is one and has the other. Ah. Uh, when would you like to meet her? Sooner or the better. Well, how about dropping over to my house for dinner next Friday? I'll have her there too. Fine. Only you needn't go to all this trouble. Couldn't you just meet me here and we could settle the whole thing in ten minutes? Yes. Oh, no, you can't do things that way. Why not? Well, how do you know you're going to like each other, Hooker? Huh? This is a serious step you're about to take. You've got to approach it cautiously. Oh, maybe you're right. Believe me, if she's all that you say she is, I'll keep her for life. Well, I should hope so. Oh, George, recess is over. All right, Bill. I'll see you Friday night, Gildy. All right, Friday night. So long, George. Say, Your Honor, if you're still looking for a housekeeper. No, never mind, never mind. Mr. Gilder's leave has found a woman who sounds like a perfect servant. Well, that's nice of him. Yeah, he's a pretty good friend. In his fat-bumbling way. Good afternoon, Bertie. Hello, here I am. Hi, Uncle Morris. Well, I've arranged the whole thing. Judge Hooker is coming to dinner day after tomorrow. Oh, then I better fix something extra special, skumptious, with a touch of romantic and a dash of lovey-dovey. Yes. You invited Miss Bance, of course. Oh, yes. And she was so excited, she kept calling me a dear boy. I sure hope she's going to like Judge Hooker when she meets up with him. Oh, of course she will. Just as soon as I tell her that he's the unknown admirer who's been sending her the flowers and candy and poems. Say, did I read you the new poem I sent her last night? No, let's hear it, Uncle. Yeah, I've got a copy of it here on the desk somewhere. Ah, yes, here it is under the water bill. Listen to this, folks. Oh, Henrietta, sweet Henrietta, I can't forget a girl like you. Wherever I go, I see your face in the sun and the snow or any old place. Your smile turns the winter into spring and makes my poor heart go tingling a-ling. And though I'm so shy, I worship from afar, way up in my sky, you're the number one star. Oh, Henrietta, sweet Henrietta, I'd sure like to get a girl like you. Ah, dick. Gee, I never knew you were a poet, Uncle. You sure have a gift, Mr. Gil Slee. Yeah, if you like it. I'll give you copies if you want them. Well, let's just sure make her feel mushy till it's the judge. Yeah. Say, does he know he's been writing her all that guff and sending her all that stuff? Yes. Oh, no, I've invited him to come here a half an hour before Henrietta gets here. Remind me to buttonhook her and tell him all about it then. Yes, sir, that's a very good idea. Yes. And he won't have time enough then to get cold feet. Yeah. He'll have more feet as one, more romances, one way or the other than practically anything. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. Is everything set, Bertie? Yes, sir, right to a T. All the judges' favorite dishes to put him in good humor. You know, I planned to decorate the table with orange blossoms so Miss Banks would feel like a blushing bride, only I couldn't get none. So I used oranges, so we was out. And that's why we got lemons on the table. Yes. That must be the bridegroom to be now. Let him in, Bertie. Yes, sir. And won't he be surprised to learn of what we've done cooked up for him? Yeah. Leroy, leave those olives alone. Yes, sir, I was just rearranging them, not at all. Really? It ain't the judge, Mr. Gills, leave this insurance company. They'll send another doctor to give you that examination. Oh, my goodness. I can't make it now. Tell him I'm busy. Have him come here another time. Okay, okay, but you better hurry before the rates go up. The risk. Gee, of all the times to show up just when we're ready to put over a big merger like this. Leroy, I wish you'd include yourself out of this affair. It's a delicate matter involving the future happiness of two fine people. And I don't want you in your juvenile way to mess it up. Oh, don't worry, Uncle Mort. I know my part. As soon as they go in the living room after dinner, I'll start playing those Nelson Eddie Jeanette McDonald records. Well, you're a bright boy, Leroy. That's right, and don't slip up now. The doctor done went, but he's been replaced by another visitor, Miss Henrietta Banks. What? Oh, she's too early, buddy. Why, the judge isn't here yet. Of all the numbskull females that ever are, hello, Henrietta. My, how lovely you look tonight. Oh, thank you. That's rock, Morton. Yeah? And dear little Leroy, how are you this evening? Oh, just fine, Miss Banks. Oh, come, come, come now. No more of this Miss Banks, darling. Just call me Auntie. Oh. Well, how are you, Rock Morton? The cat still got your tongue. Who, me? Oh, no. We don't keep a tongue. I mean, nobody's got our cat. Won't you have a sit down? Thank you. Now, come over here and sit beside me. Huh? There. That's better, isn't it? Oh, yes, considerably. You know, I was so anxious to find out what your surprise was, I just couldn't wait. Oh. That's why I'm here so early. Do you think I'm acting like a giddy young schoolgirl? Yes. Oh, Rock Morton, you say the most flattering, precious thing. Almost as nice as your poems. Yes. My poems? But I never wrote you any poems. Oh, come, come now. Don't deny them, you shy, modest boy. But there must be some mistake. Why not at all? Oh, incidentally, Rock Morton, do you particularly like the color of those drapes at the window? Well, I don't know. I never gave it much thought. Why? Oh, I was just thinking about changing them, that's all. Oh, uh, you mean... Uh, yes. That's what I thought, you man. Uh, Rock Morton, am I going to get that big surprise before dinner or afterwards? Well, Henry, it looks like you're going to get it any minute now. Excuse me, Mr. Guilty, but there's an important phone call for you. Phone call? Oh, my goodness, excuse me, please. I'll be right back. Uh, hello? Who is this? Hello, guilty old chap? This is Hooker. Sorry, I won't be able to make it tonight. What? I've got a hung jury that ought to be. You've got to be here, Judge Hooker. You don't understand all the trouble I've gone to. There's surprises and everything. How soon can you get here? Maybe I can stall things. Oh, don't count on me at all. What am I going to do about Henrietta? Miss Banks? Oh, you mean the new housekeeper? Housekeeper? Just tell her she's hired. Hired? Yeah, I'll take a chance. What can I lose? But she isn't a housekeeper at all. Then tell her she's fired. Well, now I'm really in the soup. Is the surprise ready now? Yes, Henrietta, but it's a different one altogether. I don't understand. Yeah, I didn't think you would. I asked Judge Hooker to come here this evening. I told the judge all about you, but he can't make it tonight. Oh, well, that's perfectly all right, Dr. Martin. What? It is? Surely. Oh, you don't know what a relief this is to me, Henrietta. Why, you impetuous boy. Don't you realize that even if the judge had come, we couldn't get married without a license? Yep. We? The judge wasn't going to marry us. He was going to marry you. To whom? To himself. But I don't know him at all. Oh, yes you do. He's your unknown admirer. Oh, no, that's you. Oh, no, that's the judge. All right, then bring him here in that sea. Sea? Oh, well, I can hardly do that for a little while yet. Oh, you're just like all other men. After leading me on, it turns out to be a joke. A cruel, heartless joke. And after I've told all my... Well, you haven't heard the last of this, Mr. Gildersleeve. There are courts and laws to protect innocent girls from men like you. Oh, why was I ever born? I'm telling you, Judge, Leroy got it straight from the little bank's boy. His aunt has called in some lawyer named Taylor. Oh, he's a tough man, this Taylor. He'll take you straight to the cleaners. That's what I'm afraid of. They've been going over those letters and poems that I sent Henrietta. Uh-oh, that's bad. Yes. If they ever read those poems in court, I'll never be able to hold up my head again in Summerfield. That serves you right for trying to marry me off. Gildersleeve, you're a pretty stupid Cupid. But I meant everything for the best, Judge. Oh, please, can't you help me? Why, yes, Gildersleeve, I'll be glad to help you. If you publish those poems, put me down for a copy. I'll see you here, Hooker. That's the wrong attitude after I played John Alden to your Pocahontas. Gildersleeve, I'm going to get out of here before I get involved in this scandalous case. Goodbye. I'll be seeing you in the funny paper, Gildersleeve. The old goat. There's gratitude for you. The next time I take pity on him, I hope somebody gives me a good, swift kick in the telephone. Hello? Who? Mr. Taylor. Tomorrow, Mr. Taylor? What time, Mr. Taylor? Goodbye, Mr. Taylor. Oh, now my goose is frigazied. Birdie! Leroy! What is it, hon? Did you call Mr. Gildersleeve? Yes, more bad news. Henrietta Banks is sending her lawyer over to see me tomorrow afternoon. She's going to sue me for damages if I don't marry her. Oh, gee, if he could only show her that you'd make a terrible husband... Nonsense, Leroy. I'd make a wonderful husband. What am I saying? I'd be awful. Yeah, but how are you going to prove it without man? Wait a minute. I just had an idea. Yes, I think it'd work out. I know the lawyer of hers that I'm not worth marrying. But how? I know. Now listen, you two. When Mr. Taylor and the lawyer shows up tomorrow, Birdie, you'll meet him at the door and then you'll say to him... Come right in, mister. You can see Mr. Gildersleeve, but you've got to promise to be quiet while you're in there. On account of he's a mighty, sick man. Oh, sick? Must be something new. Oh, no. He gets this way off and on. Now, here we is. And remember, no getting him excited and no yelling at him. Of course not. I brought you a visitor the gentleman you was expecting. Oh, yes. How do you do, sir? You won't mind if my nephew just goes on feeding me my chicken broth, will you? No, not at all. Maybe I'd better come some other day when you'll be feeling better. Oh, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel better. No, no. No, no. Don't say that. Don't you still have a fighting chance? Yes. Thank you, my boy. You're such a comfort. Eat more chicken broth, please. Okay, uncle. Careful, it's hot. Yes, I'll be careful. Oh! Hey, that is hot, Leroy. Careful, uncle. Careful? Oh, yes. Oh, the pain. No more soup, Leroy. Well, what seems to be your trouble, Mr. Gildersleeve? Well, I could tell you about my troubles all afternoon. But why bore you with an organ recital? Yes, sir. That man is in no shape to get married, and any lady who gets hitched up with him better be ready to die her wedding veil black. No. No, Bertie, never say die. Uncle Mort still has a 50-50 chance. Is that so? Do you want a bet? Do you want to finish dictating your will, uncle? Excuse me for interrupting, Mr. Gildersleeve, but what's wrong with you? My heart. High blood pressure? All hating with low blood pressure. Rather unusual. Anything else? Yes, anything else. Uncle's been given up by 10 doctors, 6 hospitals, and a chiropractor. So you can see, I'm really in no condition to take on new obligations. Well, I should think not. I don't see any reason for me to waste any time examining you. I'll just go back and report. Oh, excuse me. Hand me the telephone, Leroy. Thanks. Hello? I don't think I understand. Like, you know what's happened? Henrietta Banks has gone and they looked with her lawyer, George Taylor. What? Yeah, well, so long. Oh, this is wonderful. All my troubles are over. Now she can't sue me. Henrietta married her lawyer, folks. Say, if she, then who are you, mister? Me? Oh, I thought you knew. I'm the doctor from the insurance company. Yeah. I'm sorry you couldn't make the great, Mr. Childersleeve. Goodbye. Oh! The great Childersleeve will be with us again in a few minutes. But right now, I want to answer some questions. Several people have asked me lately questions like, what's parquet margarine made of? Is it good for you? How can it taste so deliciously good? Well, I'm glad to answer those questions. Because it will explain why parquet margarine is so different and better than old-time margarines. Why it's a downright delicious food that's nourishing and wholesome, too. You see, parquet is a modern vegetable margarine made by Kraft and the pure refined American vegetable oils that go into parquet help make it the highly nutritious energy food that it is. And to its wholesome goodness, Kraft adds important vitamin A to parquet margarine, 9,000 units to every pound. Now, about parquet margarine's delicious flavor, it's Kraft's long experience in making good tasting foods that accounts for that. Yes, if you think all margarines are alike, just taste parquet. That rich, delicate parquet flavor is making it a favorite everywhere for table use and for cooking, too. But why not find out about parquet margarine's goodness yourself? Yes, try a pound or two of economical parquet margarine tomorrow. Just ask for parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. The delicious modern margarine made by Kraft, the makers of famous miracle whip salad dressing. Gee, Uncle, now that you've been turned down, what are you going to do about insurance? Leroy, I'm going to spend that money for some victory insurance. What do you mean? I'm going to invest in defense bonds that'll pay off in 10 years, just like an endowment policy. Well, and meanwhile, your dollars will be fighting for you and for Uncle Sam. That's right. It's a wonderful way of combining business and pleasure, isn't it? Good night, folks. Original music heard on this program was composed and conducted by William Randolph. This is Jim Bannon speaking for the Kraft Cheese Company and inviting you to be with us again next week at the same time for the further adventures of The Great Gilder Slave. This is the National Broadcasting Company.