 W-E-A-F, New York. Pack of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You'd never guess, but Avalons cost you less. So why not always travel on? And good evening. This is Del King saying welcome to Avalon time with Kurt Massey, Edna Stillwell, Jeanette, the Avalon chorus, Bob Strong and his orchestra, and Red Skelton. The orchestra opens the program with the ladies in love with you. You'll just light up an Avalon cigarette. You'll understand why millions upon millions of smokers are switching to them. You see, Avalons are entirely new, different from all others. And the reason they're different, they're quality cigarettes that sell for less, three to five cents less than other popular Christ brands. And that repeated saving of three to five cents on every pack will net you many extra dollars in a very short time. But without knowing, you'd never guess they cost you less. Avalons are union made from the very finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos. In fact, you couldn't get finer quality tobacco in any other cigarette regardless of price, regardless of brand. Without question, Avalons are the cigarette buy of today. Why not try a pack the next time? We present the only man in radio whose name appears on the first page of Boo's Brew, Red Skelton. Thank you very much and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I feel great tonight. Say, we had a lot of fun at the circus, eh, Del? Yeah, that's right, Red. Say, I saw an old girlfriend of mine out there. The bearded lady. I bought her some flowers and I bought her some candy and some razor blades. Red, did you ever kiss a bearded lady? No, that's a pretty tickly situation. No, I started kissing this afternoon. I saw somebody coming, so I didn't kiss on the right cheek. I walked around to the left cheek. Wait a minute, why didn't you stop beating around the bush? Well, you know, the folks at the circus didn't think they were going to get the tin up in time this season. One of the elephants ate the coffee pot and they couldn't find the ground. Oh, I had a lot of fun at the circus, so I saw a double-header, the timey twin. Going into the big top, I stopped and bought some pink lemonade. You know what pink lemonade is? That's a Tumyecan Technicolor. I saw the sword swallow it and after he swallowed about ten knives, eight swords and a hacksaw, a lady in front of me leaned down to her little boy and said, and you gripe about cast oil. The strong man was writing a letter. Oh, this was funny. The strong man was writing a letter and he made a mistake, so he used a rubber-faced man for an eraser. Well, that was too good, either way. The contortionist was a friend of mine. He was complaining about his salary and suggested to embarrass the boss that he got out in front of the tent and sat on his own head. One way of making both ends meet. Oh, I saw Dizzy Dean. Have you been reading this, lady? I saw Dizzy Dean out there. He saw this Indian faker laying on one of those beds of mail and he says, now there's been a perfect excuse. Well, that's enough clowning around, so Jeanette at this time was saying, my heart has wings. Sing it, pretty girl, but with... What'd you do about your summer hotel in the mountains? You know, a chalet to pay on the bald eagle knob? I let my uncle take it back, but he gave me a job as a social director. He did? Yeah, and would you believe it? Since I took the job over as social director... The guests aren't speaking to each other. Oh, they are. They are so. See, I'm having a lot of fun up there. I got them playing all kinds of games. The only game they don't seem to get is Bingo, and they're too old to learn it. I can't see that age has anything to do with it. Well, it has. Every time I yell out the number 65, they all yell Social Security. Oh, but I got a real treat for them tonight. I've got to get back up there. We're going to put on a play for them in the barn. Boy, is that going to be a turkey in the straw? Ah, it's Roger, the fiddle player again. Don't kid yourself. It's going to be terrific. We're going to put on Dangerous Dan McGrew. I played a part of Dan McGrew. A part was made famous by my uncle when he was with a road company. You know, he broke records for attendance. You mean he broke rocks at Alcatraz? Yes. Ah, quiet, Roger. I'm playing the part because I'm a pretty dangerous guy. Yeah, you and Casper Milktoast. Listen, I'm plenty dangerous, brother, and don't kid yourself that I'm not. Well, I only yesterday morning I went up in the mountains to hunt bears. With only a revolver in my hand. I wheeled around, I fired a shot, and there lay a dead bear. How long do you figure he'd been dead? About two weeks. Ah, watch the ears. Come on, let's get up in the mountains so we can put on the play. Say, Red, maybe I'll spend the week up there. I suppose you feature an excellent cuisine. No, but the food's good. And does that air up there make you hungry? You come down for breakfast and you feel like eating a horse. I know you've tasted the food you wish you had. Well, how's your appetite, Red? Oh, I do all right. He does all right. Why, every time he sits down in the dining room, the waitresses have a game they play called Glutton Glutton. Who's got the Glutton? Yeah, go on, Bob Strong. Let's have the South American wave while we start north. Great man now. Greetings, everybody. I'm glad to see so many of you gathered here in the screwball room. Now for our play, the shooting of Dan McGrew. I'm going to play the part of Dan McGrew and, of course, I get shot in the end. Okay, Del, you lay the scene, I'll lay the egg. With a low bow to Robert W. Service, we present the shooting of Dan McGrew or Yukon take it with you. Curtain. A bunch of the boys were whooping it up in the Palomute Saloon and the kid that handles the music box was ragging a jagged time tune. Tell me how music inspires me to do things. By the roulette wheel stood that Yukon heel, the dangerous Dan McGrew. And just behind him were watching his luck was a lady that's known as Lou. Say, McGrew, ain't it against the law to run game the camp? Certainly is, my little trillion. But the players don't have a chance around here. The ball stopped on a winner. What a coincidence did the same thing last year, too. Looks like you win, partner. Come on, the drinks are on the house. Say, Lou, sell the bartender to get out that recipe for that double-rich Mickey Finn. Nothing doing. That minor may not be a sour dough to you, but he's my sweet cookie. Oh, sweet cookie, eh? Well, don't not forget. Don't not forget that around these parts I'm known as the best shot. In fact, I'm the best when half shot. How about you and me having a dance? Scram, you're not the guy I want. You couldn't have any gold with a pan like yours. Oh, give me the brush off. It's turning me down. What is this, the spurn of the nards? Come on, you're gonna dance with me or else, babe. Let me slide, my little wood sparrow. Looks like you're going to have to elf. Listen, you're getting us quite all cluttered up with victims. That's two of them. I can't do a thing about it, though. I'll have to wait till the spring thaw to do my planting. Who's that over there? Looks like a mountain he just came in. It's too late to move the evidence. Say, my scarlet-coated friend, are you a mounted policeman? Well, I ain't a motorized sickle cop. Go to the mountains. You look like a good egg, him through. That button has something on the house. Careful, you don't strip over those corpus delectar. Oh, good heavens. Say, Mr. McGrew, you'll just have to subdue your urge to purge. Nothing of it, my red-coated friend. That's nothing but the face on the bottom floor. But there's two of them. My goodness' sake, don't tell me you've gone in for double features. Mr. McGrew, you'll just have to rub them out. That's a little matter I've already taken care of. Well, I really ought to ask you a lot of questions, but I just pay surprise to other people, sis. Oh, yes. A lesson well learned, my friend. Step up and have a double brandy, will you? Oh, no, thanks. I never drink anything stronger than a double chin. Double chin? Double chin. Don't believe I've ever heard of a drink called double chin. Well, it's the fat horse's neck. I won't take anything. You see, I'm in the dog team division of the mountain, and I'm working night shift. And by the time I go off duty at half past April or a quarter to May, I just know I'm going to have arctic circles under my eyes. Well, what's that? Oh, good heavens, that's my dog team. Well, I've got to go now. I've got to feed my huskies some weedies and mush. Tony, he'd look good in my trophy room. I've always wanted a mounted policeman. Better take that, Lou. Good evening. This is McGrew's booze. What can I do for you? What? You want to buy a big gold claim? Well, we have none for sale right now. But I tell you, we don't have any gold mines for sale. Yes. Yes. Yes, we have no bonanzas. Say, Lou, I just got bright flashes in front of my eyes. Bright flashes? They're not for your liver. No, I think it's my northern lights. Hey, partner, I ain't getting any gold dust and you can't pay for my drinks. Is anybody strong with poker dust? Well, anybody's got a poke of dust bites it. I messed that up a little there, stranger. I'll find a can. Well, anybody's ain't got a... Let it go. I messed the can. Anybody ain't got the dust around here, that's the right that I got it. Here it comes. Well, an empty chamber. Death takes a haul of time. Hey, McGrew, I'm bringing in another poke of dust the next time I come in. There's no credit here, my friend. I'm gonna maul you with both my bare hands. Oh, I guess I better not, either. I'll let you bring in the gold dust. A poke of the tils better than two in the pus. You hear that, Lou? A poke of the tils with two in the pus. It ain't funny, McGrew. Then out of the night there was fifty below and into the tin and the glare there stumbled a miner fresh from the creeks dog dirty and loaded for bear. Call me 40 if it ain't dangerous, Sam McGrewsum. Well, Professor McGraw, you look like the sixth spell of the Yukon. Poo-poo, McGrew. The ragtime kid had cached in his chips. There was no one else on the stool so the stranger stumbled across the room and flopped down there like a fool. Don't be ridiculous. How else could I do it? In a buckskin shirt that was glazed with dirt, he sat and I saw him sway and he clutched the keys with his talon hands. My gosh, but that man could play. Well, my chattering comrade, you sure do finger that piano. Maybe I'd like to hear me sing something. Huh? We'll, Sam, we'll make it snow. Sir, would you care to tee off little African golf, would you? No, but I might play a game of poker if you let me deal so I won't get lost in the shuffle. I always play a street game, partner. I even mark my own cards. Here's a fresh take. I just got out of the icebox. Don't touch them. I'll deal them myself. There you are. It's there. Five cards for you and five for me. Pretty little things, aren't there? Only five cards? Sorry, I thought I would deal them. Look at these cards. I bet a hundred. I'll raise you a hundred. I bet a thousand. I'll raise you a thousand. I bet a million. I'll raise you a million. I bet it's shut up. I doubt for you. That's fine. I win. Just a minute, just a minute. I've got a world front. What have you got? Two pairs, jacks and six shooters. You sure are lucky, but now it's my turn to deal. Shuffle them thick, shuffle them thin, deal them careful, then I'll win. There, bet a million. I call. I got a king high straight. What do you got? Oh, let's see. I got king, queen, jack, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, two, two, one. You mean you got 13 cards? Certainly. What's the matter? You're superstitious or something? How long are taking apart? You wouldn't dare. I would be dishonest, my little chum. Are you accusing me of cheating, sir? Are you trying to say that I'm a cook? No. Why this whole thing is unconstitutional? Now take it yourself. Why, by two prints, I think it's going to knock you apart. Now don't get excited. I'm excited. Who's excited? Now put that gun down. Put it down right away, sir. I ducked my head and the lights went out. Two guns blazed in the dark. You've done me in, partner. Well, maybe that'll teach you a lesson. That's more than a lesson, chum. It's the whole course. Dan. Now, I'm not as wise as these lawyer guys, but strictly between us few, the woman that kissed him and pinched his poke was a lady that's known as Lou. There's a right pretty song that came out lately, friends. It's called My Last Goodbye. Bob Trennder put it into a very nice arrangement for Kurt Massey and the Alphalon chorus. Here it is, My Last Goodbye. Sing it, Kurt. Smile, so did you. But somehow we knew it was mine. And by way of interpretation, friends, he means Alphalons have everything. And believe me, they have. They give you both outstanding quality and real money-saving economy. Alphalons are union made from the choices Turkish and domestic tobaccos that grow blended to perfection to give you the very finest in real smoking pleasure. That's why you'd never guess they cost you less. Three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. Three to five cents less for cigarettes that are unsurpassed in quality. With all the definite advantages Alphalons offer, they're certainly worth a trial. So, ladies and gentlemen, in the language of the Jeterbug, modulate to Alphalons, which means switch to Alphalons. Try a pack tonight. And if you lie under anything, what's the difference as long as you bury it? Yeah. I suppose you're referring to my play, eh, Rogers? Well, I understand that the critics are waiting out in the hall, and they're not going to give me four belts. Now, you'll probably wind up with about three scars. Yeah. Oh, what's the use? Good night, folks. I'll see you next week. Don't forget your change. Yes, you'd never guess, but Alphalons cost only ten cents, plus city or state tax. Next Saturday evening, at the same time, when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time.