 Item number SCP-504 Object Class Safe Special Containment Procedures All seeds, plants, fruit, crossbreeds, and other products of SCP-504 to be classified as SCP-504. SCP-504 seeds need no special containment other than to prevent misuse by unauthorized personnel. Grown SCP-504 plants and their fruit should be kept in soundproof rooms. Guards and researchers assigned to maturing or growing SCP-504 to be equipped with radio-enabled masks which insulate non-transmitted sound and are to be instructed to avoid attempts at humor. Description SCP-504 is a species of tomato physically and genetically identical to that of the typical commercially grown tomato. It was recovered in ██████, Kentucky, after a woman reported to the police that her farmer husband had been murdered by his lunch. The Foundation is currently working to identify and destroy loose strains of SCP-504 and the surrounding commercial farming areas. When a poor attempt of humor is made verbally within human hearing range of SCP-504's tomatoes, they instantly accelerate to a speed of at least 100 miles per hour, or approximately 160 kilometers per hour, 45 meters per second, in the direction of the sound source. Only mature tomatoes separated from their vines in less than 10% rotted or chemically compromised exhibit this effect once each. Tomatoes do not have to be physically intact, though ingested tomatoes are usually insulated enough from sound to prevent their effects before neutralization by stomach acid. SCP-504 tomatoes seem to reach speeds relative to their inciting attempt at humor, C-experiment log. Relevant variables seem to include cornyness, humor to length ratio, and use of puns. Language appears irrelevant. Note Whoever snuck SCP-504 into the cafeteria kitchen is getting terminated. Those tomato slices are like fucking shuriken. Dr. Blast Log of Test with SCP-504 Item 1 Mature SCP-504 Tomato Subject d504-1 Spoken It's a hippopotamus, a hippopotamus, or really just a cool opotamus. Result, no change of velocity. Item 1 Mature SCP-504 SEP-504 TEMETO SUBJECT-D-504-1 Spoken What's an archaeologist? Someone whose career is in ruins. Result? Tomato clocked at 124 mph. Subjects suffered a broken nose. Note, it appears that SEP-504 has a certain taste in jokes. This might indicate sapience. I hope not. Dr. Blast Item ██ 1. Mature SEP-504 TEMETO SUBJECT-D-504-2 Smoking, three tomatoes are walking down the street, a papa tomato, a mama tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Papa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato and smushes him and says, catch up. Result, tomato clocked at 264 miles per hour. Subject rendered unconscious. Item, one mature SCP-504 tomato. Subject D-504-3. Smoking, so, I was just going to bed and my brother told me, good night. Don't let the bedbugs stick their probiscous in your skin and suck your blood. Good luck on a healthy dermis. Result, two second pause before activity. Tomato clocked at ██████. Sound barrier broken. Subject killed. Item, three mature SCP-504 tomatoes, each from a different crossbreed. Subject D-504-4. Smoking, if you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener because you'll get a fake cavity. Result, all three tomatoes clocked at exactly 145 miles per hour. Subject injured, two teeth dislodged. Item, one mature SCP-504 tomato, split into quarters. Subject D-504-5. Spoken, I tried to walk in the target, but I missed. Result, all four pieces clocked at 212 miles an hour. Subject severely injured, right eye destroyed by piece of tomato. Item, one mature SCP-504 tomato, subject. CD player playing harmful as swallowed, 2003 by Dane Cook. Result, at ██████. Tomato clocked 167 miles per hour, CD player destroyed. Notes, it worked with recordings. Damn it, didn't even have to deal with Class Ds in the first place, Dr. Blast. Item, three mature SCP-504 tomatoes, one to reach test subject. Subject. After the introduction to the following news item, bomb blows hole in linen statue, the three following jokes were made. Test subject 1. Oh, that's gonna leave a marks. Result, tomato number 1 twitched but did not displace from its original location. Test subject 2. BBC is just stalling the good news. Result, tomato clocked at 152 miles an hour, chip tooth and hairline jaw fracture. Test subject 3. Blows. Result, tomato clocked at ██████. Subject is hospitalized with a massive skull fracture. Notes, I thought we'd just established that recordings work in place of live subjects. I know how much you guys hate the Class Ds, especially D-504-012. Poor guy might not even recover before termination rolls around. But I'm making it clear that whoever oversaw this route of testing is getting a serious reprimand. The same goes for whoever leaked its video logs to the staff. Dr. Blast. Item 1. Mature SCP-504 tomato. Subject 2. Television playing the Saturday Night Live Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton skit. Result, tomato reacted as if confused. Slow motion video shows three separate bursts of speed in excess of 200 miles per hour, two instances of motion at normal throwing speeds, and one unprecedented instance of backward motion, all in one trajectory. Dr. King hypothesized that the tomato was unsure whether or not to take it seriously. Item 1. Mature SCP-504 tomato. Subject, a portable computer playing a pre-recorded engineering joke. Transcript, 2009 is going to be a complex year. We already know the real part, we still have to find the imaginary part. Result, supersonic blast detected. Computer was completely vaporized by the tomato's kinetic energy. Computer readings indicate an approximate speed of 2,174 miles per hour. Item 1. Mature SCP-504 tomato. Subject, a portable computer playing a partial audio recording of the Monty Python sketch, the funniest joke in the world. Transcript, 2010 is going to be a complex year. Result, tomato explodes debris clocked at 137 miles per hour. Computer heavily coated by debris, keyboard ruined by exposure to liquid matter, all other components proved functional after cleanup. Item 1. Mature SCP-504 tomato. Subject, a portable computer playing the text of SCP-904. Result.