 The Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike. LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Listen. Season after season, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike buy tobacco that can't be beat for real smoking quality. Tobacco auctioneer Brian Williams said that. I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike buy fine ripe tobacco that makes a swell smoke. I've smoked Lucky's myself 29 years. Tobacco warehouseman Frank Brown said that. Yes, at auction after auction, independent tobacco experts can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Remember. LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And fine tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco. Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Broadcasting from Chicago, the Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and pinch-hitting for Don Wilson, Norman Berry. Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Norman Berry and I'm substituting for Don Wilson. It is my job to introduce that scintillating star of stage, screen and radio. But how can a star of such magnitude be introduced properly by such an insignificant person as I? I would have said me, but I guess insignificant people say I. Continue, Norman. But I'll try anyway. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you. This is Jack Benny talking. Very hoarsely, of course. I'm doing eight shows a day, you know. And Mr. Berry, or may I call you Norman? I want to congratulate you on being selected as my announcer here in Chicago. Well, seriously, Jack, I want to thank you for the privilege. Oh, don't thank me. After all, I sent questionnaires to every announcer in Chicago. And when I opened yours, I knew you were the man for me. Jack, you mean I answered all 20 questions correctly? Norm, when you answered question number one by saying money isn't everything, I didn't bother reading the rest. You were meant for me. Well, Jack, this is odd, my taking Don Wilson's place. You know, I've known Don for about two years, but I've seen very little of him. Well, don't feel bad, Norm. He's worked for me 14 years, and I haven't seen all of him myself. But anyway, Norm, I'm really glad to be back in Chicago. Say, Jack, I know you're appearing on the stage at the Chicago Theater. How is the show coming? Wonderful now that I've changed it a little bit. You see, on my opening show Friday, I thought of a great gag. I wanted to make sure of a big laugh, so when I made my entrance, I walked out on the stage wearing galoshes, a heavy wool suit, a sweater, mittens, earmuffs, and a big raccoon coat. And did the audience laugh at that? Why should they? With the weather we had, they were dressed the same way. Believe me, Norm, and if Sally ran, we're booking to Chicago this week, she'd have to do her balloon dance with hot water bottles. Not bad, isn't it? Of course, anything I say now is gravy after those shows. But anyway, Norm, I think we have a swell show at the Chicago Theater. A great cast, Phil Harris, Rochester, Marjorie Reynolds, the sportsman quartet, and Herman Humpheldinker. Wait a minute. Who is Herman Humpheldinker? He's the guy who runs the spotlight. If I don't mention him, I work in the dark all week. Anyway, Norm, and it's really a pleasure playing in front of these Chicagoans because you should have seen the welcome I got at the station. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hello. Jack, it's certainly been an exciting week, hasn't it? It certainly has, but you don't look any worse for it, Mary. That's a mighty pretty dress you're wearing. Well, thanks. But why have you got those lead weights on the bottom of your skirt? This your first trip to the Windy City, bub? Oh, Mary, it isn't so windy here. It isn't, eh? Then why are you wearing those bicycle clips? Because I catch cold easily, that's why. Remember what happened the last time was in Chicago? I had a cold in my chest. I had a temperature of 99. Jack, you didn't have much of a cold. He hasn't got much of a chest. Well, we're even. You haven't got much of a jolt thing. By the way, Mary, this is Norman Berry. Hello, Norman. Hello, Mary. You know, Norman is taking down Wilson's place for this week. That reminds me, Jack, I haven't said anything about salary. When you get it, you'll say plenty. Oh, I don't know. It usually leaves him speechless, you know. But anyway, Norman. Pardon me, Jack. Yeah. See, Mary, I know we've just met and all, but if you're not doing anything tonight, I'd like to take you around and show you Chicago. Oh, I'd love it. We'll go to the beach comers, the pump room, the college inn, the trade winds, and the chaperies. Oh, that'll be really swell. Mary, I took you to those very same places last night. I know, but now I'd like to see them from the inside. Well, I'm sure you and Norman will make a very lovely couple. You know, Mary, just before you came in, you mind if I lean on you a little? Just before you came in, I started to tell Norman about the welcome I got when I arrived at the station. Oh, that reminds me, Jack, you ever find this suitcase you lost? Not yet, Mary, but they're looking for it, you know. Well, Jack, what about this welcome you got at the station? Norm, it brings tears to my eyes. Everything on my think about it. Why? What happened? They threw tear gas. I know we would have missed the next show at the Chicago Theater. Such a wonderful joke. Huh? You nervous? I don't know. What are you talking about? One little bomb. That's a big thing out of it, you know? Anyway, Norman, 5,000 people let me at the station. I wanted to show them I was in the spirit of the occasion, so I suggested that I lead them in a conga line. And Norman, it was wonderful. One single line, two miles long. One, two, three, kick. One, two, three, kick. A conga line, two miles long for Heaven's sake. Jack, where did they lead them? Right to the box office of the Chicago Theater. It was just a coincidence. Anyway, I'm not surprised that they love me so much in Chicago. I'm not close to my hometown in Waukegan. Say, Norm, what do the people here in Chicago think of Waukegan? Well, you know how it is, Mary. Every state has to have its cuckamonga. Now, wait a minute, Norm. Waukegan is a wonderful town. I'm not saying that just because I own... I mean, because I'm their favorite son. But only three weeks ago, Waukegan named the street after me. Benny Boulevard? No, Shalamiel Parkway. Mary, it's not Parkway, it's Avenue. Shalamiel Avenue. You can't say nice things about me. Make something up. After all, you're down... Come in! Mr. Benny, I'm from the Lawson Fountain at the Santa Fe Railroad. You're also one of my writers. Good, good. I'm glad you got here. I haven't been able to sleep for three days. Give me the suitcase. Not yet, bud. You've got to identify the contents. Well, there's a white shirt, blue shorts, a green dressing gown, brown shoes. Now, give me the bag. Wait a minute. What color is the teddy bear? It's not a teddy bear. It's a panda. Now, give me that bag. All right, but I'm afraid you're going to be cold here in Chicago. Why? When I opened your suitcase, I ripped the panels off your flannels. Oh, get out of here, will you? That panda on trips with you. Because most hotel rooms have twin beds, and I hate to sleep alone. Anyway, I think that they... What are you laughing at, Mary? Oh, let me forget the time the hotel detective, Noct and Jack Thorne, the panda, jumped out the window. I'm making things up. Every time we come... Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hey, Dennis, do you notice we have a new announcer? That's Mary. The other one is the announcer. Oh. Dennis, shake hands with Norman Berry. Hello, Dennis. Hello. Mr. Benny, what happened to Don Wilson? Well, we had to leave him at home. Gee, I'm not surprised. The last time I saw him, he was in the drugstore and was having trouble with the stomach. Trouble with the stomach? Yeah, he couldn't get it in the phone booth. What? He barely got it in the drugstore. Dennis, stop being so silly. Tell me, where are you living? Oh, I didn't get a room yet. You didn't get a hotel room yet? Where'd you go when you got off the train? Oh, some jerk started a conga line and I wound up in the Chicago theater. One, two, three, kick. One, two, three, kick. Never mind, never mind. Norman, you saw my stage show. How did you like it? Well, I couldn't see very well. I sat in the back of a fat man. Well, I couldn't see either, Jack. The man in front of me was too tall. Well, I could see swell. I sat behind a man with a hole in his head. I don't know where you get those wild ideas, sitting behind a man with a hole in his head. Now, go and do your song. Okay, hold my brace and bit. Now, cut that out. Come on, let's have your song, Dennis. I mean, Dennis Day. Hey, folks, if Clem McCarthy can make a mistake, so can I. At least I know Jet Pilot wasn't singing. That I know. Dennis, that was swell. Well, thanks. Say, Mr. Benny, can I leave now? I've got a lot of things to do. First, I want to make sure the hotel got me a room with twin beds. Dennis, you're all by yourself. Why do you need a room with twin beds? I've got two shows. Oh, oh. Dennis, how do you like it here in Chicago? Oh, it's swell. It's different from the last time I was here. You know, I heard about their new subway, so I tried it out yesterday. Pretty good, isn't it, Dennis? Yeah, but it took me a long time to get from one station to the other. A long time? Why does something happen to the train? Oh, train. I just want to look in his head and see what goes on in there. That's all. Say, Mr. Benny, do you think he can get me a pass so I can see your show again? Well, I don't know, Dennis. I don't want to ask the manager for any favors. I had a little argument with him. Oh, Jack, you always have trouble. Well, this time it wasn't my fault. You ought to see the crummy dressing room they gave me. Looks terrible with those pipes running across the ceiling. But, Jack, lots of rooms have pipes running through them. Sure pipes? And those kids, I wish they'd stop lifting that manhole cover and asking me for my autograph. Playing with you at the theater? It's called Easy Come, Easy Go. Oh. Remember when they played the horn blows at midnight here? Yeah, yeah. That's the week they had the sign on the box office. Please help yourself. The cashier hasn't got the heart to sell them. Stop kidding, Willie. That picture did plenty of it. Come in. Gissel, I thought you were on your way to New York. What are you doing here? Well, I stopped here to see the Chicago Wells Fair. Well, Mr. Gissel, the fair was held in 1933. I couldn't afford it then. Well, are you enjoying your visit here in Chicago? Whoo-hoo-hoo. I am enjoying. Yesterday I took an airplane ride and flew over the Great Lakes. The Great Lakes, all five of them? Yes, yes. Lake Michigan, Lake Huron, Lake Erie, Lake Ontario, and Lake Shapiro. Lake Superior. They got six of them? No. No, no, Mr. Gissel, you made a mistake. You see, there are only five lakes, but it's not Lake Shapiro. It's Lake Superior. Oh, could be. Yeah, yeah. Well, Mr. Gissel, where are you staying here in Chicago? I'm staying with relatives. Oh, on your side or your wife's side? On the south side. Oh. Well, anyway, Mr. Gissel, as long as you have a little time, why don't you sit down and enjoy the show? Oh, thank you. You're welcome, you're welcome. Oh, say, Mary, would you do me a favor and... Hiya, Jackson. Hi, kids. Hello, Phil. Yeah, that's on me. Make me know what you've pretty dubbed you. That's what I love about Chicago, Jackson. There he is, folks. Hollywood's answer to swift and armor. Yeah, tenderized, too. Well, I'm glad you admit it, Phil. Oh, brother, you're the most conceited guy I've ever seen. Now, wait a minute, Jackson. I ain't so conceited. You're not. You were the inspiration for that song. Aren't you glad you're you? Oh, Jackson, stop picking on Phil. I think he's a change man. Oh, sure, sure. Well, yesterday I saw him pour 38 cases of bourbon in the lake. Phil, you did that? I mean, have you given up drinking? No, but the breeze comes from the lake and I like to sleep with my window open. Oh, so that explains it. Explains what? This morning I got up, opened the window, put my deep breathing exercises, and fell flat on my face. Anyway, fool, I mean, Phil, don't you ever think of the finer things in life? Are you kidding? I'm married to one of them. Besides her! Oh. I mean, artistic things like, well, like museums and art galleries. You know where you can see paintings and masterpieces. Look, Jackson, I know all about these paintings and all those great artists. This may surprise you, but I do a little painting myself. You do? Certainly. Well, tell me, Phil, you can go Picasso, Cezanne, Matisse. I mean, when you paint, whose style do you follow? Rumbrandt. Rumbrandt? Phil, that's Rembrandt. You mix your paint and I'll mix mine. Let's cut out all this nonsense, get serious for a minute, after all today is Mother's Day. You're right, Jack. And this morning I sent my mother a big box of candy with a card saying, Happy Mother's Day. That was very sweet, Mary. I sent my mother a big bouquet of flowers and a card on it that said, Gesundheit. Gesundheit? She's got hay fever. Mother's Day is nothing to sneeze at. Dennis, stop that! Can't we be serious for one minute? Oh, say, Jack. Yes, Norman. Since I've been shitting for Don Wilson today, I took the liberty of rehearsing your quartet in a number that I'm sure you'll like to hear, especially today. My quartet? Well, Norman, what's this number they've been rehearsing for today? Very, very good. Take it, fellas. Well, it's for that light that mild to bass is for the smoke that really clicks oh, how it clicks. M is for the millions who bind speedy ricks. That's rigs, he'll sue me. T means that they're tried and true and toasted and on the draw they're always nice and free. Oh, boy, put them all together. Oh, some of a... Alison, the function. Well, it's very good. And now, fellas, I said that was very good. We don't need it. It's a packle, so a packle. It's this for the many. Good boy. Now, I said it was nice the way you did it. It's that light. Well, wait a minute. Look, boy. M is for the many. That is what you all mean. Wait a minute. Now, wait a minute. Fellas, get back in your crate. Hey, Jackson, did you straighten out your beef with Mr. Platt, the manager of the theater? No, I'm expecting him to call me when he does. I'll tell him plenty. Imagine him giving me a scintillating star a dressing room like that. Well, Jack, what are you complaining about? Why, when Fred Allen played the Chicago theater, he was happy in that room. You mean Fred Allen was in that same dressing room? Yes. All the time I've been blaming the stockyard. You know, the very careless backstage, during the last show while I was doing my monologue, a heavy sandbag fell from the rafters and missed me by three inches. Only three inches. I can't understand it. That stage hand used to be a bombadish. Yeah. You know, I ought to do something about that. Hey, excuse me a minute. I want to see my musicians about that song that Al Jolson is going to do on the program next week. I'll be back. Oh, okay, Phil. Go right ahead. Hey, Mr. Benny, are you really going to have Al Jolson as your guest star next week? That's right. Al Jolson is going to be on our program. Gee, I like him. You do, kid? Yeah, especially when he sings. Oh, and April showers may come your way. They bring the flowers. All right, Dennis. That's what we don't need to do. Oh, Mammy, Mammy, I'm coming to you. But, Dennis, we don't need that. Dennis, look at that. I signed a contract with Jolson for $5,000. Now I find out Dennis can do it. They won't even pay me that much when I open at the Roxy Theater in New York. Yes, folks. The Roxy Theater on Wednesday, the 21st of May. Anybody wishing a friend? Well, I'm glad you got into it. Mary starts any play. She knows what she feels like talking. She talks. Anybody wishing a free pass to see Jack Benny at the Roxy? Just right. Why I like Jack Benny on a $10 bill and send it in. Very good. Look, Mary, don't be so silly. Come in. Hello, Jack. May I come in? Oh, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, Marjorie Reynolds. Gee, I thought you were swellin', Jack. Stay tuned. Thank you, Mary. Yes, Marjorie, you're terrific. Do you want to see me about something? Yes, Jack. When we do that long kissing scene, I wish you wouldn't wear your thick glasses. But where my glasses why? In the last show, the spotlight hit him and burned a hole in my dress. Oh, I'll tell Herman Humphill, thinker, to watch that. And another thing, Jack, if you insist on putting your arms around me when you kiss me, do you mind if I don't wear that backless evening gown? Oh, you find out about old clammy hands. Mary, Marjorie, you wear your backless evening gown. It looks better. I'll wear gloves. And another thing, Marjorie, I'm sure that kiss will be much better from now on. You see, the first show, I was a little bit nervous. Nervous? I put the lipstick on my violin bow and the rosin on my lips. Natural mistake, you know. Hyphens couldn't have kissed better. Marjorie, there's one thing, though, one other thing I want to talk to you about the stage show. When you finish the act, why do you just bow to me and then go over and kiss all the musicians? This is Petrillo's hometown. Oh, huh. Just forget, sister, I got a union card. Say, Marjorie, sometime this week, all those songs you did in that picture holiday in. Yeah, that's a good idea. You know, Marjorie, you were wonderful in those numbers with Bing Crosby. Well, I enjoyed making that picture. Bing is wonderful. He's so unpredictable. You never know what he's going to say next. I know. I had him on my program. But Crosby is really a great guy. In fact, I think... Say, Jackson, if it's okay with you, do you mind if I run along and... Ouch, you beautiful blonde creature. You... Bill, Bill, stop staring at it. Oh, hubba, hubba, hubba, and eccentric, eccentric. That's et cetera, et cetera. Now, Bill, you've been so busy. I haven't had a chance to introduce you formally. This is Marjorie Reynolds. Oh, brothers, now I know what they mean by the Reynolds bombshell. Yes, sister. Well, thank you, Mr. Harris. Hey, look, baby, call me, Bill. We can save an hour that way. Bill, don't be so... Jack, why don't you just sit back and take notes? I need Phil's help like a moose needs a hat rack, believe me. I can't understand it. Norman Crasna loves that joke. Never gets a laugh. Hey, you know something, Marjorie? When I seen you in Holiday Inn with Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire, I knew you had possibilities. Oh, thank you. It was nice working with Fred and Bing. They're both so talented. Yeah, I know what you mean. I got a little of both of them in me. Bill, why don't you go jump in Lake Shapiro? Hey, there's the phone. It's supposed to ring now, anyway. Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. I'll get it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Rochester. I knew the phone was the phone. Rochester can do nine shows a day with his voice. You can't tell the difference. Rochester, where have you been? I expected to hear from you an hour ago. I'm sorry, boss, but I ran into a little trouble. We ain't living at the Ambassador Hotel anymore. Why not? No, the manager made me take your trailer out of the lobby. He brought it all the way from the coast on the back of the chief. Don't worry, boss, I got everything fixed. I moved the trailer to a much better location. And what a beautiful view. Good, good. Where'd you move the trailer to? The grandstand of the Sportsman's Park. I'm going to love that. Well, I'd better if you got yourself a hotel room. Why, what about my trailer? I lost that in the fifth race. Stop being funny. Did you get me all the things I wanted for my stage show, you know, my makeup? You sure you got me everything? My lipstick, eyebrow pencil, powder, mascara, rouge, eyeshadow. Yes, sir. And boss, you certainly do a wonderful job with your makeup. You think so? Yeah. Only an expert can tell where you end and Lady Esther begins. Don't worry about my makeup. You don't look so hot on that stage with the outfit you've been wearing. Green pants, yellow shoes, red socks, purple shirt and a pink tie. My trunk didn't come so I had to wear my street clothes. I'm going to hang up now, boss. And if you're smart, you'll hurry over to the theater and do your stage show right away. Why? Well, the house is packed and the people are in a jovial mood. They're in high spirits, laughing, happy, singing. It's just like New Year's Eve. Gee, what happened? I opened the side door and there's a 90-proof breeze coming in from the lake. Well, keep the door open. I'll be right over. Come on, Phil. We better get there before the wind. Jack will be back in just a minute. But first, here is Basil Riesdale. Welcome to the chant of the tobacco auctioneer. Remember, L-S-M-F-T. L-S-M-F-T. L-S-M-F-T. L-S-M-F-T. L-S-M-F-T. L-S-M-F-T. L-S-M-F-T. L-S-M-F-T. L-S-M-F-T. L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And fine tobacco is what counts in a cigarette. When it comes to fine tobacco, it makes a mild mellow smoke. That's why for 28 years, I've been a Lucky Strike Smoker. 28 years in the tobacco business. 28 years a Lucky Strike Smoker. That's the record of John Pinnick's tobacco expert. So for your own deep down smoking enjoyment, remember. L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Year in, year out. L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round. So firm. So fully packed. So free and easy on the draw. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be playing here at the Chicago Theater until Friday. Next Sunday, we'll be broadcasting to you from New York City. And a week from Wednesday, we'll be opening at the Roxy Theater in New York. Say, Mary, you've seen the stage show a couple of times. What do you think of it? Well, it's a great show that you start playing your violin. What's wrong with my violin playing? You hold your bow too close to the strings. But Mary, wait a minute. If the bow doesn't touch the strings, it doesn't be able to hear it. Don't be so smart. This is NBC, The National Broadcast.