 Chapter 12 of Manners for Men This is a LibreDocs recording. All LibreDocs recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibreDocs.org. Recording by Ruth. Manners for Men by Mrs Humphrey Chapter 12 Public Dinners The following information is supplied by a gentleman well known in the city and thoroughly oath a in such matters. Public dinners may be classed as those given by associations or public bodies and those given by institutions such as some of the great city companies. When given by an association, the function is generally managed by a committee who have the arrangement of all the details such as choosing the menu, the wines, preparing the program of music, instrument or vocal and arranging the due sequence of the speeches. A guest invited to such an entertainment who may not be of the few highly placed personages who sit at the cross-table or on the dais and from whom speeches are expected will on arriving at the hall, hotel or public institution selected find that the first thing required of him will be his invitation card. In exchange for this he will be handed a more or less elaborate menu card which will also contain the list of music and a sketch shown the position of the guest seats at the tables. After depositing his hat and overcoat in the cloak room receiving a numbered ticket for them he enters the reception or drawing room his name is announced and he passes into the room goes up to the members of the committee who stand by themselves to receive the guests bows or shakes hands and passes on to join the other guests who are either sitting or standing in groups engaged in conversation. When dinner is announced the hosts and the highest in rank of the guests file into the dining room and take up their position by their chairs followed by the rest. Any clergyman present says grace on being asked to do so and the banquet commences. Strangers sitting next to each other soon fall into conversation and after the dispatch of the solid portion of the repast comes the speeches. Music is played at intervals, perhaps a few songs sung by professionals then desserts, cigars and coffee after which the guests find their way to the drawing room for more general conversation some per throwing to leave without re-entering the drawing room in such large gatherings it is not necessary to take leave of their hosts as a rule. Dinners given by city companies are very much on the same principle the guest has but to don his evening clothes and carry himself with easy composure not always a simple matter to the inexperienced if one may judge from the horrid steps and the sudden bob that many give on entering the reception room after arrival at dinners given on behalf of charities it is well to go prepared with the subscription as a collection is often made on these occasions if not prepared to subscribe it is more discreet to stay away with regard to tips the only ones really recognised are those with whom the plates and the cloakroom table are laid ready in expectation of small silver coins though no fees are actually necessary at table the initiated person is well aware that the man behind his chair can administer to his wants and see that he is liberally provided with vines and wines or other matters without keeping him waiting longer than necessary a tip quietly conveyed before the dinner is underway it's not by any means wasted it sometimes happens that semi-official dinners are given at private houses when proper tears of newspapers of wealthy men interested in certain undertakings entertain the staff of those employed in such circumstances it may be as well to warn the guests against addressing the footmen as waiter this may appear to be superfluous advice but I myself have been present when the mistake was made evidently to the intense indignation of the magnificent being thus addressed at such dinners as these the host treats his guests as his social equals for the nonce by having invited them to his house he places himself in the position of regarding them as he would his own friends at his dinner table any infraction of this would be in the worst taste it is also usual to abstain from any business talk at such times as these the conversation being encouraged to dwell on general topics though the fiction of social equality is maintained by the host the guests need not adopt a familiar free and easy manner in response true manliness involves sufficient self-respect to bevert preserve the possessor from falling into this error but it is perhaps a little difficult for the novice on such occasions to bear himself in such wise as to avoid undue familiarity on one hand and an air of stiffness and standoffishness on the other in his anxiety not to appear to presume upon the friendliness of his host manner he's apt to wear a rather repellent air and this is more particularly so when the employee is by birth the equal if not the superior of his entertainer it often happens that a man at the head of a great business has risen from obscure beginnings to the command of wealth and a high position in the world enjoying a title and many of the extraneous advantages of rank among those whom he employs maybe several who are his social superiors and orbit wealth but any of them who imagine that this fact gives them any claim upon his consideration or entitles them to converse with him upon a footing of equality make a radical mistake their position as regards their employer is exactly that justified by their standing in his firm the true gentleman is well aware of this and would never dream of inserting himself in any way on the strength of being well-born or highly educated he leaves all that kind of thing to the man who feels his claim to gentlemanhood to be so shadowy and insecure as to need constant insistence besides the host is usually the elder and deference to seniority is an important part of good manners and sits extremely well upon the young end of chapter 12 recording by roof chapter 13 of manners for men this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Betty B manners for men by mrs. Humphrey chapter 13 at a restaurant when accompanying ladies who express the wish for refreshment it is not necessary to select a very expensive restaurant or confectioners one suitable to the social status of the party should be chosen the young man must pay for what his companions eat and drink and very often this is a most embarrassing manner he may have enough money in his pocket to defray the bill and he may not in any case he is often unable to afford it but the probabilities are that if he has the wherewithal about him he will pay in order to extricate himself from an awkward predicament even though he may consequently be crippled financially for some days to come if he has only two or three shillings in his pocket he feels extremely uncomfortable no well-read woman or girl would ever place an acquaintance on the horns of such a dilemma but unfortunately there are many girls and women who are lacking in taste and refinement and who would regard it as an excellent joke to play such a trick upon a fellow as they would probably call him and enjoy his discomfort the best thing to do in such a case is to be perfectly frank and open i'm extremely sorry but i have not sufficient cash with me for the purpose it is very disagreeable to have to say so but it is less mortifying than to have to acknowledge it to the waiter at the restaurant a young man told me that he had once in such a case to leave the table on pretense of speaking to the proprietor and fly around to a pawnbroker's to pledge his watch a really well-read girl or woman would make it clear that she intended to pay for her own meal and that only on that condition would she accept the escort of the young man sometimes after a run on a bicycle or a hot walk a young man will say to his sister and her friend come in and have an ice if the friend is one of the unscrupulous sort she will very probably run him into what for him is a considerable expense he must pay it however and the worst of it is that he cannot sit there and let her eat all by herself even his sister should she be present must in good manners join in to a certain extent otherwise the implied reproof would be too obvious for good breeding end of chapter 13 chapter 14 of manners for men this is a libra vox recording a libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra vox.org recording by betty b manners for men by mrs humphrey chapter 14 at lunch luncheon is a comparatively informal meal the guests do not pair off as at dinner but on the meal being announced the host if there be one would open the door for the ladies who would go downstairs followed by the hostess the gentleman behind her very often the master of the house is absent at luncheon in which case the hostess would rise and addressing her principal guest would propose to her to lead the way downstairs shall we go to lunch mrs so and so would be sufficient the other ladies would probably be sufficiently versed in the laws of society to refrain from preceding those of higher position and the hostess would always be the last lady to leave the drawing room the guests sit down where they please the host or hostess sometimes making a suggestion on the matter after the meal the guests return to the drawing room but only for a short time the gentlemen resume their overcoats and take their hats and umbrellas in the hall where they had left them should a man make a call at luncheon time he is often asked to remain for the meal in that case he would carry his hat and stick into the dining room with him just as he would if making an ordinary call but it is much better never to call anywhere at lunchtime unless one is on very familiar terms with the family many young men acquire a reputation for caging for lunch or dinner in this way invitations from the younger members of the family are not official unless plainly endorsed by the elders or one of them miss lucy invited me to lunch is a poor plea frank asked me to come and dine this evening is no better young men cannot be too particular about this matter i'll get my mother to ask you to dinner old man would be the safer sort of invitation lady of the house must fix the date and she usually writes the invitation herself or gives it personally should a daughter of the house give a young man an invitation to any meal without reference to her father or mother it would be incorrect in the highest degree to accept it as to children their invitations go for nothing of course the cases have been known in which they have been accepted i met little eddie in the park and he made me come in with him this has a very poor and pitiable sound at lunch an hour or a tea time it is not necessary to make one's adieu to each guest in turn the hostess is taken leave of first as a rule and the lady or ladies with whom one has been conversing will expect a special word and bow perhaps offering a hand but a general bow will be sufficient for those to whom one is not very well known it is only at family parties that one has conscientiously to go around the room shaking hands with everybody end of chapter 14 chapter 15 of manners for men this is a libra vox recording a libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra vox.org recording by betty b manners for men by mrs humphrey chapter 15 five o'clock tea and afternoon at homes gentlemen are in great request at five o'clock tea their duties are rather onerous if there are but one or two men in the usual crowd of ladies they have to carry tea cups about hand sugar cream and cakes or muffins and keep up all the time a stream of small talk as amusing as they can make it they must rise every time a lady enters or leaves the room opening the door for her exit if no one else is nearer to it and if his hostess requests him he must see the lady downstairs to her carriage or cab with regard to the beyonds a man helps himself but not till he is seen that all the ladies in his vicinity have everything they can possibly want his hostess or some lady deputed by her to preside at the tea table gives him tea or coffee and he adds sugar and cream with regard to afternoon at homes the arrangements are quite different invitations are sent out a fortnight or three weeks before generally the latter and in the height of the season even longer suppose the young man's name to be edward smith his invitation would be as follows mr edward smith lady dart at home tuesday november 3rd 4 to 7 12 evergreen square rsvp he replies on a sheet of note paper mr edward smith has much pleasure in accepting lady darts kind invitation for tuesday afternoon november 3rd it's a great mistake to write will have much pleasure in accepting accepting is the action of the present moment while he is writing the reply will have refers to the future and is therefore unsuitable the answering of invitations is a simple matter enough but it is a test of good breeding end of chapter 15 chapter 16 of manners for men this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra vox dot org recording by betty b manners for men by mrs humphrey chapter 16 at the play at a theater the underbread man is often in evidence not only in the low priced seats but also all over the house he has been seen and heard in private boxes a well-known music hall celebrity administered a scathing reproof to one of these who persisted in talking loudly while she was singing stopping short she looked up at the box in which he sat and cried one fool at a time please after which he was as quiet as a mouse it is a piece of bad manners to enter the theater late disturbing the audience and annoying the players or singers it is equally rude to leave before the entertainment is ended unless the interval be chosen when nothing is going on at a concert this is particularly true for there are devotees of music who hang upon every note and to whom it is a distinct loss to miss a single phrase of the compositions they have come to hear singers actors and actresses generally possess the sensitive sympathetic artistic temperament and it is wounding to them to see members of the audience fidgeting wrestling about chattering laughing and otherwise showing inattention when they are doing their best to entertain them it is therefore uncivil to betray inattention a little appreciation goes a long way with the members of the professions of music and the drama an actor told me once that after having made a certain speech two or three times without any sign of amusement from the audience on the fourth night of the play a single silvery note of musical mirth was heard from the stalls it was but one note say e flat on the treble clef but the audience immediately joined in perceiving the point of the speech as though it had been illuminated for them by this one little laugh he declared that ever after that night his formerly unsuccessful lines elicited a roar of laughter probably this was partly due to the sense of encouragement he felt inspiring him to do emphasis in taking ladies to a place of entertainment a gentleman hands them into their carriage a cab or an omnibus getting in last arrived at their destination the gentleman alights first handing out the ladies and giving any necessary orders to the coachman or paying the cabman's fare by the way it is always as well to give instructions to the coachman about where he is to be found and at what hour he is to pick up his party before entering the carriage as policemen view with much disfavor any prolonged dialogue outside a place of entertainment where vehicles are setting down their occupants in quick succession should there be a footman of course all these difficulties are obviated as he can carry the instructions to the coachman and also knows where to find the carriage when the performance is over should a hired brome be used as a conveyance in going to any place of entertainment or even a party at a private house it is an excellent plan to give the coachman a bright colored handkerchief scarlet or orange perhaps that he may wear it conspicuously displayed and can in this way be at once recognized it is a miserable business on a wet night to hunt for a brome up and down ill-lighted streets when an evening dress and patent leather boots and anything that tends to shorten the task is advisable nor do ladies enjoy waiting in the drafty vestibule of opera houses theater or concert room for an indefinite period while a short-sighted cavalier is groping about the streets for their carriage if it is a question of a cab the commissioner at the door is the best person to get one which he will do for a small fee here again a word of warning as needed there are men who in their special care of the ladies in their charge forget that it is no part of the duty of a gentleman to ignore the claims of other women who have not the advantage of belonging to their party i have seen men who ought to have known better rudely pushing other ladies away from the door of a cab or railway carriage in order that their own woman kind may be well looked after it is all very well to be attentive and anxious to do one's best but it is ill-bred to the last degree to subject to rudeness any ladies who happen to be without a gentleman to look after them retribution followed very swiftly in one instance of the kind at sandown station one day the second special train for waterloo was coming in and the platform was crowded with gaily dressed women tired and hot after the walk across the fields on a tropical july day a lady and small eaten boy were together and suddenly when about to open the door of a carriage at the moment the train came to a standstill found themselves all but thrown down by a sweeping motion of the arm of a young man who was bent on reserving that particular carriage for his party without a word of apology to the lady he shouted to his sisters and friends to come on still holding back the two who had wished to get in they entered the next compartment and as they did so the lady remarked to her companion what an extremely ill-mannered person that is meanwhile the party next door were settling down and congratulating themselves on having secured seats when one of them turned to their overzealous friend and remarked I saw lady blank get into the next carriage with her eldest boy who he asked with a sudden and remarkable rush of color on his face the lady to whom he had behaved so rudely turned out to be one from whom he had that very morning received a long desired invitation to spend a few days at her country house in the following month the co to the good offices of a friend in the fo and delighted at having made such a step in his social career he had at once written off accepting the invitation it is scarcely necessary to add that he never made the visit but had to wire at the last moment one of those conventional excuses that the uncle good called fibs but which are only the transparent devices adopted by society to lubricate some of the more difficult of its processes between the acts of a play the modern man thinks that his duty to himself to go out and have a drink perhaps smoke a cigarette there was a time when had any such suggestion been made to a gentleman who had constituted himself the escort of a lady he would have asked but perhaps not in Milton's words and leave by fair side all unguarded lady but now the majority of young men visit the bar or the foyer but who shall say what bold and opinions are one by those who do not follow the custom who refrain from acquiring the odor of tobacco or whiskey or brandy while they're in the company of ladies in the heated atmosphere of a theater a lady sometimes says to the men of her party I see that there is a general stampede going on don't mind me if you would like to go out if they go she thinks oh they're just like the rest if they stay she says to her own heart how delightful it is to find a man who can do without a bns or a smoke for two or three hours and up he goes many pegs in her estimation apart from the lady he is with in considerations connected with her there is the inconvenience to which many of the audience are subjected by the passing in and out of so many however it is a recognized custom so much so that a smoking foyer is attached to all the best theaters and a warning bell is rung in it by the management a few minutes before the rising of the curtain refreshments are frequently carried round by attendance to private boxes and sometimes in the stalls as well should they appear it is the duty of the gentleman of the party to ask the lady or ladies if they wish for any and to pay for what is consumed it is however a rare thing for ladies to eat or drink at the play the gentleman also pays for the program at the few theaters where a charge is made I may mention by the way that it is not considered very good form to pay for programs at theaters where the management makes no charge instances have been known where attendance have been discharged for accepting such fees and even apart from this it is tantamount to presenting the attendant with six pence or a shilling if one insists on paying for a program or two provided free of charge many of the attendants are superior to accepting it end of chapter 16 chapter 17 of banners for men this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Betty B Manners for Men by Mrs Humphrey chapter 17 at a ball the etiquette of the ballroom is not difficult to acquire and yet there are thousands of young men going into society constantly who flagrantly fail in it their bad manners are conspicuous they decline to dance unless the prettiest girls in the room are trotted out for them block the doorways haunt the refreshment room and after supper promptly take their leave could any course of conduct be in worse taste and what can a poor hostess do young men are necessary at dances and they must be invited if they will not dance who shall make them the delight of the average hostess's heart is the well-bred man unspoiled by conceit who can always be depended on to do his duty he arrives in good time fills his card before very long and can be asked to dance with the plain neglected wallflower or two without resenting it he takes his partner duly to the refreshment room after each dance if she wishes to go and provides her with whatever she wishes before leaving her he sees her safe at her chaperone side if he should sit out of dance he returns in time to claim his partner for the next not leaving her till it is half over as is the want of some young men the truth is that society demands a never-ending series of self-denying actions from those who belong to it and the more cheerfully these are performed the more perfect are the manners what can be more enjoyable than to sit in some cool retreat with the charming girl enjoying one of those innocent flirtations that do so much to give zest to life but delightful though it be the temptation to prolong it must be resisted if an expectant partner is missing her dance and waiting in the ballroom to be claimed it is bad manners to go to a ball unless one is accomplished in the art of dancing to do so is to take the place of one who may be more expert and therefore in greater request consequently every man who wishes to be a success in society must learn to dance there are abundant opportunities for doing so at the various dancing academies as they are rather unsuitably entitled for there is not much about them of the academical as generally understood private lessons are dearer than the others but they really are necessary for most men who have not been taught to dance when boys the whole attention of the teacher should be given during the first three or four a man has so much to learn in addition to the correct movements of his feet he must be taught to hold his head up to grasp his partner gently but firmly not to tread on her toes or knock his knees against hers and also had a steer his course and hers in an imaginary crowded room afterwards come the finishing touches when perfect in the steps and carriage of the body the learner is taught to glide gently from foot to foot regulating his pace as quickly or as slowly as he may wish at first this seems to be impossible where the novices inclined to rush his fences as it were and he waltzes around the room at breakneck speed making himself giddy and breathless and sometimes causing dire catastrophe a girl finds it difficult to forgive a man who has made her look ridiculous the fall of a couple is not a frequent occurrence in a ballroom but when it does happen it is almost always the man's fault girls take much more naturally to the graceful movements of the dance and are besides more often taught in childhood than their brothers at a private ball the guest enters and greets his hostess before speaking to anyone else she shakes hands with him and passes him on to someone to introduce him to partners perhaps her husband perhaps her son with this beginning he will probably get on very well and may have fill his card and he should take care to do so at once for at some balls the nice girls are immediately snapped up and engaged for even the extras before they have been 20 minutes in the room are you engaged for every dance miss gray can you spare me one and miss gray probably gives him one but if he is a stranger of whose calisthenic prowess nothing is known she's careful to give him only one sometimes his partners if they discover that he dances well introduce him to their sisters and friends if however he should find himself left high and dry towards the end of the evening he should go back to the gentleman of the house and ask them to introduce him to somebody else young men of experience in such matters usually manage very well without this but the novice has often to face the alternative of dancing no more or asking to be introduced hostesses sometimes make special introductions for the supper dance the one immediately preceding that meal this means that the man introduced unless engaged to dance it was someone else is imperatively called upon to accept the partner offered him and to take her down to supper in asking a lady to dance it is usual to say will you give me this waltz or may I have this barn dance some young men say would you like to dance this come along then but such a form of address is only suited to intimates when the dance is over and the partner left with her friends the man says thank you bowels and leaves her if he wishes to see any lady to her carriage he asks her permission to do so folds her wraps around her hands her in and stands until the carriage has gone some yards away end of chapter 17 chapter 18 of manners for men this is a Libra vox recording all Libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit Libra vox.org recording by Jervis international manners for men by mrs. Humphrey chapter 18 engagement in marriage the old-fashioned rule that a man must approach the father of a girl before offering himself in marriage to her has now to some extent died out a man may not propose when her family object at the same time it is considered dishonorable for anyone to propose to a girl in the face of the decided disapprobation of her family clandestine courtship is also regarded as dishonorable except in certain circumstances where the girl is unhappy or oppressed and needs a champion proposal in person the usual way to ask for the admired one's hand in marriage is in person this is always preferable to writing though some men have not the courage to adopt the first course asking the father's permission should the lady accept the offer the happy wooer must take the earliest opportunity of seeing her father or failing him her nearest friend and begging him to permit the engagement should he consent all as well but in the contrary case his decision must be accepted to allow a girl to engage herself against the wish of her family is to drag her into a false position should the father refuse consent very often submission to the decree affects more towards procuring its reversal than violent opposition it is difficult of course for young people to be patient but if they could only manage a little of it they would find the truth of the french proverb all things come round to those who know how to wait the engagement ring immediately upon having the engagement or ratified the accepted suitor gives the lady an engagement ring this should be as handsome and present as he can afford to buy together with all other presence and correspondence on both sides this ring must be returned if the engagement should be broken off once duty to once patrolled the accepted man is in duty bound to spend most of his leisure with his intended bride he must not go off for a sojourn at abroad while she is spending some weeks by the sea in england unless she has expressed a wish to that effect it would be a considerable snub to her to do so a significant announcement society has sometimes been amused by the announcement one day of a marriage haven't been arranged between mr a and miss b and on the next of the intention of mr a to start for a tour around the world this almost always means that the man has been entrapped into a proposal and would willingly retreat if you honorably could such things happen only too often maneuvering mothers have much to answer for in the matter worldly girls have often sufficient wisdom of the serpent to bring a reluctant wooer to the point and by immediately announcing the engagement to their friends to make it extremely difficult for him to retreat sometimes a girl's fall so wildly in love with a man that she creates a kind of corresponding through passing further in him and while it lasts he believes himself in love though his emotions are only a mixture of gratified vanity and that physical attraction which needs true love to redeem it from the fleshly sort when a girl takes their initiative should marriage follow upon such courtship as these where the girl takes ever the initiative the union is very seldom a happy one the woman never feels sure that her husband really loves her or would have chosen her she knows that he was her choice rather than she is and a wrecking jealousy seizes her and makes her not only miserable herself but a very uncomfortable companion for him the unhappy sequel he too often finds when it is too late that she fulfills none of his ideals and is in many ways a contrast to the girl he would have chosen if she had not world him into the vortex of her own strong feelings and he occasionally wonders if she may not someday experience a similar strength of attraction for some other man and let herself be carried away by it as she had been by her feeling for him hot fires soon burn out he thinks and remembers warning given to a fellow she have deceived her father and may be long engagements no man should drag a girl into a long engagement nor should any man propose to a girl until he is in a position to provide for her and unsuitable positions he is only standing in the way of other wars who may be well supplied with this world's gear such tribes as wealth and ease may appear as a not to the mind of the youthful lover not to be weighed for a moment in the balance with love and young romance the girl too may be of the same way of thinking at the time but it the more proves a man the stronger to consider her and to remember that poverty is such a bitter and a cruel thing that it even kills love at times a man's duty to look at cold facts recrimination in the home is a hard thing to bear and yet how many millions of women since the world began have said to their husband oh why did I ever marry you I could have done so much better and how many men have said to their wives well you were determined to have me so now you must make the best of me however we will suppose these rocks and quick sands past the engaged couple happy and the wedding day at hand the bridegroom's obligation custom demands that the bridegroom shall present her bouquet to the bride as well as bouquets and present each to the bride's maids he must furnish the house for the bride in every detail not accepting the house and the table linen which in the old days of spinning wheel was want to be contributed by the bride herself the best man he must provide the wedding ring and the carriage in which his best man and himself go to church he pays the fees to the clergyman and clerk but it is the best man who hands them over with him the bridegroom waits at the altar till the bride arrives she takes her place at his left hand for the first time and at the proper moment he produces the ring which is the symbol of their union the bridegroom's dress the usual dress of a bridegroom consists of a very dark blue frog coat like trousers light or white scarf tie patent boots and a new hat end of chapter 18 recording by jervis international chapter 19 of manors for men this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Betty B manors for men by mrs. Humphrey chapter 19 dress it is absolutely true though in a very limited sense that the tailor makes the man if a man does not dress well in society he cannot be a success if he commits flagrant errors in costume he will not be invited out very much of that he may be certain if he goes to a garden party in a frock coat and straw hat he is condemned more universally than if he had committed some crime the evidence of the latter would not be upon him for all men to read as the evidence of his ignorance in social forms is in his mistaken notions of dress things are more involved than ever in the sartorial line since so many new sports and pastimes have sprung up from in a man cannot consult his tailor upon every trifling detail even if his tailor were always a perfectly reliable authority which is not always the case where there are tailors and tailors a young man's finances do not always allow him to go to one of the best and the second and third rate artists in cloth are apt to purvey second and third rate fashions to their customers a brief summary of the forms of dress appropriate to various occasions may be of some use to the inexperienced it is obvious that to enter into detail would be out of place in a matter where change is the order of the day but there are certain fixed rules that are in a sense permanent and with these I may succinctly deal from morning wear the morning coat or jacket or the tweed suit is correct after lunch when in town the well-dressed man may continue to wear his morning coat or the regulation frot coat with trousers of some neat striped gray mixture the tailor's name for the material of these is mixed cheviots it is not considered good form to wear very light trousers except on special occasions such as weddings garden parties or afternoon assemblies of a festive kind even then it is better to air on the quiet side than to be over loud the days of broad cloth have long gone by and coats are now made of vicuna cloth or black twirled worsteds with a dull finish and of an elastic quality waistcoats may be single or double-breasted there is no restriction as to the color of the tie the park suit may consist of a gray or light brown frock coat with waist coat and trousers to match and this is the usual dress for ascot the smartest of all the races at sandown the low hat and tweed suit or long racing coat are worn except on such days as the princess of wales is present when the prince sets the example of wearing a black coat and silk hat and all other men are expected to follow his example for a morning walk in the park in summer the straw hat or low hat and tweed suit are as correct as the black coat and silk hat but it must be remembered that a straw hat or low hat cannot be worn with a black coat of any kind the pot hat and brown boots are permissible with an overcoat under which there may be a tweed suit but brown boots may not otherwise accompany a black coat though they are admissible with the ascot suit there are special suits for all kinds of outdoor amusements such as shooting golfing tennis boating driving riding bicycling fishing hunting etc but into the details of these it is unnecessary to enter it may be remarked however that it is easy to stultify the whole effect of these however perfectly they may be built by the tailor by the addition of a single incongruous article of attire such as a silk hat or patent boots with a shooting suit the dress coat is no longer made of broadcloth the shiny finish of which would now have a very old-fashioned appearance the ordinary evening coat is made of an elastic twill cloth with a dull finish its elasticity makes it fit to perfection when cut by a good tailor of course it would be incorrect to wear other than black trousers with it the waistcoat is much cut away to show a wide expanse of immaculately got-up shirt front this is the only correct costume for evening wear on all occasions of a formal nature the dinner jacket has very largely superseded the dress coat for home wear and at dinners in houses where one is a familiar guest it is occasionally seen at the play too but it would be incorrect to wear it when accompanying ladies etiquette is not now nearly so strict as it used to be in the matter of evening dress in the stalls private boxes and dress circle of the theaters i think this is rather to be deplored but the wave of democracy that has poured over society of late has left its impress in this as in other matters though theater managers put on the tickets special to the best seats evening dress i have seen half a dozen men in the stalls dressed in a variety of unorthodox fashions and once in august i even saw a man in a boating suit come in straw hat in hand and ushered by an unprotesting attendant take his seat in the off season when all the fashionable people are out of town this was not perhaps very surprising but he must have been a courageous young man morning for men seems almost a dead letter nowadays except in the first two or three weeks after bereavement a widower's morning is not worn for more than a couple of months unless the widower should belong to the numerous class who cling conservatively to old customs and believe that to doff his weeds would imply some disrespect to his late wife disraeli in his endymion puts the following words in the mouth of mr vego the great taylor dress does not make a man but it often makes a successful one the most precious stone you know must be cut and polished i have known many an eras lost by her suitor being ill dressed you must dress according to your age your pursuits your object in life you must dress too in some cases according to your set in youth a little fancy is rather expected but if political life be your object it should be avoided at least after one in 20 i am dressing two brothers now men of considerable position one is a mere man of pleasure the other will probably be a minister of state there is a like as two peas but were i to dress the dandy and the minister the same it would be bad taste it would be ridiculous no man gives me the trouble which lord eaglin teen does he is not made up his mind whether he will be a great poet or a prime minister you must choose by lord i tell him i cannot send you out looking like lord byron if you mean to be a canning or a pit what all men should avoid is the shabby genteel no man ever gets over it i will save you from that you had better be in rags end of chapter 19 chapter 20 of manners for men this is a libydox recording all libydox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libydox.org recording by roof manners for men by mrs. Humphrey chapter 20 country life dress in the country varies considerably in many matters from that worn in town a boy's first country suit after he leaves school is a great event to him at eden and harrow the style of dress might almost be called a uniform and the first suit of tweeds marks the emancipation from school life when in the country he dons these the first thing in the morning unless he should be on hunting or bicycling forts intent or should incline toward tennis boating or the slow delights of angling after lunch a change has occasionally to be made should a garden party be in question he may take his choice between tweed's suit and low hat or cutaway coat with silk hat if he happens to be great on tennis the tweed's suit wouldn't be naturally his choice unless it were distinctly understood that the game would form a prominent feature of the afternoons entertainment in this case flannel should be worn sometimes very ceremonious garden parties take place in the country when royalty or distinguished persons are expected to be present when the frock coat and its usual accompaniments would not be out of place invitations to breakfast in the country are by no means unusual the dress will consist of that ordinarily worn in the mornings whether tweed's suit nickerbockers hunting or riding gear or the black morning coat or suit frequently a silk hat is never seen between sunday and sunday church goers still to a certain extent affect it but in these days of outdoor life bicycling and so on the costume worn by many churches experiencing the same modifications that characterize it in other departments the details of shooting suits can always be studied in the illustrated advertisements of the tailors a man's wardrobe is now almost as varied as a woman's he has different costumes for walking riding driving visiting boating hunting shooting golfing bicycling tennis and cricket dining smoking and lounging football racing and yachting to say nothing of uniform and court suit besides the now developing motor car costume end of chapter 20 recording by roof chapter 21 of manners for men this is a liberfox recording all liberfox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit liberfox.org recording by phone manners for men by mrs. Humphrey chapter 21 visiting cards and calls it is necessary for every young man to have a supply of visiting cards and for these there is one fixed rule any departure from which be tokens want of knowledge of the customs of well bred people the size must be exactly three inches by one and a half the paste board must be pure white and glossy and the lettering must be in italic an idea prevails among young men of a certain class that it is incorrect to put the title mister before their own name on a visiting card this is a great mistake not to put it is to show oneself lacking in savar fair the name must always be preceded by mister or sir or other title the address must occupy the left hand corner and the name of one's club or clubs must follow it when a young man has no permanent address it is well to have only his name printed filling in the address in pencil before leaving or presenting his card the hours for calling are from four to seven in the afternoon but young men who are not on very intimate terms with the family should carefully abstain from calling after six o'clock lester should be the last and solitary caller when the door is opened and the question is mrs. blank at home answered in the affirmative the visitor is invited to follow the servant he may take off his overcoat if he wishes but he must carry his hat and stick in his hand the right hand glove must be removed the glove hand is never given to a lady certain exceptional circumstances proving the rule arrived in the drawing room he holds his hat and glove in the left hand greets hostess first she shaking hands with him and then he looks around the room and greets any acquaintance he may recognize going up to them if he knows them well bowing if his previous knowledge of them has been slight having taken his seat he still holds his hat in his hand and he must find small talk as best he can for sitting silent it's awkward for him and distressing to his hostess she by the way will probably say would you not like to put down your hat indicating some spot where he may lay it the reason of carrying the hat to the drawing room is a somewhat subtle one it is based on the supposition that the masculine caller feels himself privileged in being permitted to pay his respects and feeling himself on sufferance is ready to leave in a moment hat in hand should he not find his presence agreeable and acceptable I have a private theory that this custom is cherished and kept up by men from a conviction that their hats are much safer in their own sight in the drawing room than they would be downstairs in the hall new umbrellas have been taken instead of old as we all know and new hats are quite as tempting if not more so do not send your card up when making a call this is reserved for businessmen the servant asks your name and it must be given very distinctly it will then be announced in a loud clear voice when the door is opened should the hostess show by her manner that she has not recognized the name its owner must recall himself to her memory by saying I am mister so-and-so I had the pleasure of etc etc explaining the circumstances that led to the call the visiting card must be left on the whole table when the caller goes away one card for the ladies of the house and one for the gentleman or gentlemen whether these latter have been present or absent during call should the lady called on be not at home the cards are given to the servant when a man has rendered an unknown lady some really important service as in the case of a street accident or some other disagreeable circumstance in which she has been able to avert from her some unpleasantness which she would have otherwise incurred the lady will probably ask him to let her know to whom she is indebted for so much kindness the proper course to pursue is to disclaim any special obligation but if the lady persists it is then good manners to give the name should the gentleman feel very much interested in the lady he may say I should very much like to call tomorrow to find out if you are none the worse for your adventure she may then give him her address and he would give her his card but this would all be very much out of place if the affair had been some mere matter of common courtesy such as picking up some article dropped by a lady and restoring it to her a gentleman such circumstances raises his hat and retires as quickly as possible lest the lady should imagine that he could base a claim to her acquaintance on the performance of so trivial a service it is only the cad who thus presumes and the cad s who allows him to do so fisting cards are never sent by post they denote a call in person the only exception to this rule isn't sending out ppc cards these are always sent by post the letters denote pour prendre congé to take leave and are used when it is found impossible to call and say goodbye to all one circle of acquaintance a call after a bowl or dinner party must be made within the week and cards left in calling to inquire after the welfare of an invalid or after the family has suffered bereavement cards are always left if a man is on intimate terms with the family that has suffered bereavement he sometimes uses cards with a slight line of black and should you write a letter of condolence note paper and envelopes with the same slight indication of mourning on them this expresses sympathy and a personal share in the sorrow felt in making a call after death has visited any family the dress of the caller should be attuned to the occasion and should be of a sombre color though it need not be precisely mourning when a man is a frequent visitor to any house he may leave his hat and stick in the hole the umbrella is never taken into a drawing room cards must be left after an invitation whether the letter be accepted or not in case of not wishing to pursue the acquaintance of the person who sent the invitation it is sufficient to leave the cards without inquiring whether the lady is at home if a man should wish for any reason to courteously end an acquaintance ship he can do it without any of the intolerable cutting a method resorted to only by the rough and uncultivated he may make a call that in his own mind he knows to be a final one remaining only just the quarter of an hour that is the minimum length of such functions and preserving a certain gravity of demeanor which is as free from sulks as it is from other forms of bad temper after this he may leave cards once more without asking if the ladies of the family are at home in this way he can gradually and with perfect courtesy break off the intimacy in the street he raises his hat but does not stop to speak it is quite possible to ignore the attempt to do so on the opposite side but should circumstances be such as to make it difficult to do so without positive rudeness he must stop putting an end to the conversation at the earliest possible moment a call should never extend over half an hour unless the caller be expressly requested to prolong it a gentleman never looks at his watch during a call at a dinner party afternoon reception or bowl this is prohibited because the inference would be that time was dragging with him and that he was anxious to get away a man may feel such anxiety but he must hide it if he would be deemed well bred young men who do not pay their duty call and leave a card after any entertainment are likely to be omitted from the list of guests invited on some succeeding occasion occasionally it happens that a young man finds himself dropped by some family with whom he has been on terms of intimacy he is debarred by the rules of polite society from asking for an explanation it being a canon of good breeding never to ask questions that are embarrassing to reply to this has been embodied in a very outspoken and unceremonious phrase you ask me no questions I tell you no lies there is a deep truth in it nevertheless and even in family life it is well to observe it sometimes the reason a young man is dropped in this way is that something to his disadvantage has been discovered but not unfrequently the true reason is that one of the daughters of the house have shown a preference for his society which the parents think should be checked girls of the present day do not always exercise the well-bred self-control that is the rule of good society in such matters to love and salt is a misfortune for any girl leading inevitably to much mortification and humiliation but these may be minimized if she can only practice a dignified reticence about her feelings but should a young man thus capriciously as it seems to him be left out in the cold beyond sufficiently good terms with a son of the house it would be quite in rule for him to put out a feeler or two on the subject I say old fellow I wonder if I have been so unfortunate as to offend your people in any way he will soon discover from the aspect of his interlocutor whether he is likely to gain any information on the matter calls of inquiry in calling on friends who have suffered bereavement after having received their card of thanks for kind inquiries it is of course requisite that address should be of the quietest description a red tie for instance would be horribly out of place only in case a very intimate friendships is the call prolonged beyond ten minutes or a quarter of an hour the caller takes his tone from that of the family it is in the worst taste to refer to the loss sustained unless the initiative is taken by one of those bereaved this is very seldom done and the conversation is usually conducted on lines calculated to avert any disturbing remark no one likes to break down or lose self-command except in seclusion and in fact it is only necessary to look into one's own consciousness in order to discover what is the best course to follow in such cases should a young man be invited to attend the funeral he must wear morning black gloves and black hat band punctuality important at all times is particularly essential at this dreary ceremonial the family usually provides carriages but in the case of friends who possess equipages they always take their own it is the custom to assemble at the house or to go by fixed train should the family reside in the country it is better not to accept any invitation to return to the house afterwards for as a rule these are only given as a matter of form we often see in newspapers after the announcement of a death a request that no flowers may be sent failure to comply with this would argue a want of perception but when no such intimation is made a friend may send flowers the only essential being that they should consist as a rule of pure white flowers or orchids pansies or violence occasionally an exception is made to these in the case of favorite flowers of the lost friend an exquisite garland of pale tea roses appeared among the scores of wreaths seen at the funeral of one of her greatest poets end of chapter 21 recording by phone chapter 22 of manners for men this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra vox.org recording by cambell shelf manners for men by mrs. Humphrey chapter 22 manner it would not be easy to overestimate the importance of a good manner from a social point of view it ranks far above much more important qualities the rough diamonds who conceal their traditional good heart under a surly exterior are seldom happy people not withstanding their genuine thoroughness and real goodness and family life and in society a gentle manner covers a multitude of sins the world and the home reflect back to us the face we present to them if we cultivate a bright and cordial manner we shall be heartily received by others though the real nature of us lies beneath as cold and hard as salt fresh from a mine in the home the coldness and hardness are soon found out but they are partially condoned for the sake of the superficial courtesy and kindness in society the quality of the heart matters little so long as the surface is at the same time genial and polished life is chiefly made up of small things and if we learn to take an interest in the trifling incidence of our friends lives and the everyday occurrences in the existence of our acquaintances we supply the sympathetic element that tells so largely in our favor and very often the simulation of this interest induces the reality and our own life is brightened by participating in the pleasures and the happiness of others and deepened by sharing in their disappointments and by doing so helping them to overcome them with a cold forbidding manner it is impossible to convey any such impression but this often comes from shyness not only in the young but all through life the youthful form of shyness is self-consciousness and self-distrust that which lasts through life is the fear of self-revelation even the frankest natures have often this quality of reticence which forbids them to reveal the inner depths of their thoughts and makes them hate to be defined what if a call says we all hate to be defined though we like to divine others but many of us know well what a delightful thing it is to be read like an open book by those whose thoughts reflect our own and with whom we discover ourselves to be in mental kinship the ideal life is that which has few friends but many acquaintances the friends are close and firm ones grappled to our hearts with hooks of steel and the circle of acquaintances offers opportunities for adding to their number but without an agreeable manner it is difficult to secure these inner and outer spheres of social companionship where i asked to give a recipe for the formation of a good manner i should recommend an equal mixture of self-confidence and humility as the first essential then a considerable desire to please tempered by the self-respect which preserves from a viciousness and that's annoying air of ingratiating themselves that some might assume in society there must be perfect self-possession though in the very young this is scarcely expected a little becoming shyness sitting very well upon them i like a shy man he's getting so scarce said a very pretty woman at a ball not long since find one quick and introduce him her laughing emissaries went off to search for the desired article and after a while returned with the report that the only shy man in the room was engaged for every dance when self-possession has been acquired it is well to add on to it the saving grace of gentleness this quality is much misunderstood by men and women they adore it in themselves and each other they undervalue it but women love gentleness in men it is a most telling piece of the necessary equipment for society a gentle manner a gentle voice and the absence of all self-assertion that is at the root of the matter having one more love than good looks carlyle called the members of upper class society amiable stoics reference the equipal serenity of countenance and calm self-possession of manner which with they accept those occasionally trying conditions of social life which necessitates self-denial and matters great and small this placidity is the result of long training not just at first does a young man bow to the decree of his hostess which separates him from the girl he admires and tells him off to take some uninteresting dowager to the support room but should he events any sign of discontent with the arrangement he is at once convicted of ill-breeding the man of perfect manners is he who is calmly courteous in all circumstances as attentive outwardly to the plain and the elderly as he is to the young in the pretty it is difficult to renounce the delightful tet a tet with a charming girl when asked by his hostess to dance with some poor wallflower who has been neglected for half a dozen dances but it has to be born and eventually it brings its own reward the duty dances a hard thing and good manners involve a considerable amount of self-denial but repetition soon makes it comparatively easy and invitations of an agreeable kind pour in on the young man who shows himself willing to practice these peculiar forms of selflessness opportunities for which so frequently arise in society it is probably an imitation of the surface equanimity that the wooden stair has been adopted so universally by your golden youth this is useful for wearing at one's club or in the stall of a theater and it at once stamps the proprietor of the stairs being in it the fashion is not confined to england it rains in new york and even in far australia there is a select coterie of golden or gilded youth who are beginning to learn how to abstract every atom of expression from the countenance and to look on vacantly or seem to do as yet there is no considerable expertness achieved in the matter in anti-podian circles but in new york a very fair impression of imbecility is conveyed in the look of the ultra fashionable young man there are various other important matters on which a transatlantic authority has been instructing the youth of his generation the one involving the most serious responsibility is connected with carrying a cane or stick as it is better for him to call it it must be left at home when going to business to church or to make calls the idea of the latter prohibition is that if a call is made on a lady cane in hand the inference would be that the caller is on sufficiently intimate terms to look on her casually at any time there's certainly subtlety in this view it is well that the novice should be made aware that the lowest depth of vulgarity is touched by carrying an umbrella in a case it is also an important item of information that the gloves and cane must be carried in the same hand to do otherwise is seriously to err in social forms our instructor declares that to attend oratorios and fill a harmonic and fill harmonic concerts is thoroughly bad form indicating a tendency to be pedantic it is much better to go to a horse show it is by no means considered correct to shake hands the proper way is to take hold of the fingers of one's acquaintance at the second joints and be so upon them one or two decisive little jerks as though testing their strength no i thank you is a form of words no longer heard in good society having some time since been replaced by no thanks no man with any claim to social position would consent to pronounce the g at the end of the present participle of verbs come in and go in are the correct forms now don't you know is ridiculously correct man of perception do not care to be more accurate than others of their set don't you know is more customary and the pronunciation marks the man is writing on the top most crest of the social wave there must be a staccato sound about the face which alternates pleasantly with the linguid drawl the latter is still in favor and accompanies admirably the studied lack of animation in the expression and general wooden look of the face to revert for a moment to the cane or walking stick there is much to be deduced from the manner in which it is carried the correct style is to hold it at an angle of 45 degrees with the farial up most and forward this is the sort of thing that no man could possibly discover for himself the natural man would incline to carry his stick in such fashion as would tend to direct its point to the ground this unsophisticated mode would at once reveal him as uninitiated in the minor morals of good manners the latest mode of arranging the male hair as practiced in new york and possibly nearer home as well is worth noting first it is made thoroughly wet then brushed and parted after which the head is swathed with linen bands which are kept on until the hair is thoroughly dry this method produces the plastered appearance which is now recognized as good form the cordiality of manner is rapidly becoming obsolete and is utterly condemned by all who have studied the subject yet it is a recognized fact that amiability has now superseded sarcasm and the up-to-date young man practices a careless superficial benevolence of pronouncing every woman charming in every man a good fellow the scathing satiric wit of the last century was as than added to the senate of appreciative recognition of the best that is in every human being it is pleasant to be able to add to all this minute detail about little superficialities that the young man of today is a vast improvement on his predecessors in very many ways swearing is out of fashion getting intoxicated is decidedly low and those who disgrace themselves in this way are soon cut by their acquaintance some 20 years since things were very different to get tipsy was regarded as a proof of manliness to wrench off door knockers and place similar senseless pranks was considered a form of wit and the heroes of such performances were looked on with admiring eyes by their companions in many ways a higher standard now reigns the pictures of ballet dancers that used once to adorn a young man's rooms have given place to others of a higher class disillusioned unprincipled men get the cold shoulder from others of their set and vice think heaven is thoroughly out of fashion there is still plenty of folly it is inseparable from youth but in matters of more moment there has been immense improvement going steadily on for many years there are young men who mistake arrogance of manners for self possession and who conduct themselves when in society with lifted chin and a haughty air that may accord very well with their own estimate of themselves but seem rather out of place to onlookers such a man invites comparisons between his social deserts and his implied conviction of superiority he may take in a few inexperienced girls and young fellows of adolescent inability of judgment but even these triumphs are short-lived and he is set down as a pompous ass to use the young man's phrase for describing him it is good manners to articulate distinctly and bad manners to neglect to do so a man need not exactly take lessons in elocution though they would not be amiss but he can teach himself to pronounce clearly and use the tone of voice that is best suited to the various occasions when he converses a breathy voice is extremely disagreeable the syllables come out enveloped in sort of a windy roar this is owing to a wrong way of breathing and it can easily be cured with advantage to the health as well as the personality a very confidential tone is always used by some men when they speak to a woman if they merely hope your gown did not get muddy they look into one's eyes and murmur like any sucking dove but if their articulation is indistinct they are quite a nuisance one has to ask them to repeat themselves and the nonsense they talk shows up very badly in an encore but when they enunciate clearly they're devoted murmuring sometimes take very well it is not until a woman has seen three or four others besides herself approached in the same afternoon or evening with similar devout and prayerlike whispering that she begins to value this particularly at its true worth with reference to the word fellow a settled distinction or two must be drawn and lowly circles the young man is called a fellow young men fellows so it is in good society but with a distinct difference it is not very easy to make this difference clear young men of good position refer very commonly to others and their acquaintance as the fellows but they would not use the word to describe young men generally women young and old of the lower classes speak of young men generally as fellows but gentle women never do so a lady never uses the expression a girl and a fellow at the same time she may frequently speak of young fellows i am aware that there was a want of clearness in all of this but it is a matter among many others that can only be acquired by being accustomed to the usages of good society the autocrat of the breakfast table said in one of his books that if he heard a woman pronounce the word how he learned more about her in an instant than a third person could tell him in an hour if she called it how she revealed herself as belonging to the uncultured classes in the same way if a girl were to say i met a fellow yesterday she would unconsciously make a similar self-revelation a young man would make an equal mistake if he were to speak of my sister's fellow but he would be correct enough if he were to say the fellow my sister's engaged to these little nuances of expression remind one of the old rhyme strange that such difference should be tweaked tweedle dumb in tweedle d though small talk is as indispensable in social life as pennies and half pennies in the transactions of everyday existence we must also have conversational gold and silver at our command if we wish to be successful when the preliminaries of acquaintanceship are over there is no necessity to keep up the common places of small talk to do so is rather insulting to woman to be talked down to is always aggravating especially when one feels a conviction that the person who is thus affably stooping for one's benefit belongs in reality to a lower intellectual plane than one's own at the same time many young men with nothing in them are socially successful being possessed of those superficial qualities and that outward polish which are for the purposes of everyday intercourse more useful than abysmal personal depths was it goth or schiller who said that for domestic utility afar than candle is more useful than all the stars of heaven a light playfulness of fancy combined with the gentleness that carefully avoids wounding even the smallest is a high recommendation in society but to be forever laughing as we are some in the extreme to the spectators I make no apology for quoting here the following passages from Mr. Brown's letters to a young man about town from a punch of 1849 Mr. Brown was Zachary I believe he says I beseech and implore you to make a point of being intimate with one or two families where you can see kind and well bred English ladies I have seen women of all nations in the world but I never saw the equals of English women meaning of course to include our cousins the Mac Worders of Glasgow and the O Tools of Cork and I pray sincerely my boy that you may always have a woman for a friend it is better for you to pass an evening once or twice a week in the ladies drawing room even though the conversation is rather slow and you know the girls songs by heart than in a club tavern or smoking room or pit of a theater remember if a house is pleasant and you like to remain in it that's to be well with the women of the house is the great the vital point if it is a good house don't turn up your nose because you are only asked to come in the evening while others are invited to dine recollect the debts of dinners which a hospitable family has to pay who are you that you should always be expecting to nestle under the mahogany agreeable acquaintances are made just as well in the drawing room as in the dining room go to tea brisk and good humored be determined to be pleased talk to a dowager take a hand at twist if you are musical and know a song sing it's like a man never talk about dancing but off with you you will find your acquaintance in large mothers pleased with your good humor will probably ask you to pocklington square to a little party you will get on you will form yourself a circle you may marry a rich girl or at any rate get the chance of seeing a number of the kind in the pretty the dressing the clean gloves and cab hire our new senses i grant you the idea of the party itself is a bore but you must go when you are at the party it is not so stupid there is always something pleasant for the eye and attention of an observant man end of chapter 22 chapter 23 of manners for men this is a libre vox recording all libre vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libre vox.org recording by Jen Broda manners for men by mrs. Humphrey chapter 23 in church i know a young man who makes it a practice to arrive late in church every sunday i often wish that he did not go to my church for he makes me cordially despise him thus disturbing the calm and quiet of the proper frame of mind for sundays i conclude that he likes to be looked at though why he should do so is not apparent it is in fact not only rude but irreverent to be late in church for the beginning of the service if one should be accidentally late it is good manners to wait till the congregation rises from the kneeling posture before making one's way to a seat it is almost an awful thing to interrupt a prayer but i have seen people do it with no more scruple than if they were passing in a crowded street 18 inches are the measurement of space allowed to each sitter in churches in some that may be more and others it may be less but i have reason to believe that this is the average now if any man of extra size should find himself in a pew with other persons he must in common courtesy keep himself as well within the limits of 18 inches as the width of his shoulders will allow but i have occasionally seen quite slim young men sprawl far beyond the frontier lines lounging is a habit of the day and there are men who get themselves into marvelously corkscrew attitudes in church as elsewhere fidgety men are more so in church than anywhere else they seem to find it impossible to keep still sometimes they even produce a cough wherewith to amuse themselves though they are not troubled with it at any other time the charm of a reposeful manner is denied to them reverence for the sacred place conduces to a quiet manner but this is not always felt by those who attend public worship the conventional idea seems to be that such assemblies are merely phases of social life that it is respectable to be seen there and that the service and the sermon are things to be worried through indeference to a prevalent idea that they form part of an institution that is generally regarded as excellent the small minority are those who regard church services in their true light as lifting the thoughts above earthly things and yet by no means unfitting them for earth where for instance could a better law of good manners be found than in the book of books a glance at the end of the fourth chapter of Ephesians will show a code of conduct that if followed would make a man a perfect member of society end of chapter 23 recording by Jen Broda chapter 24 of manners for men this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Campbell Shelp manners for men by mrs. Humphrey chapter 24 correspondence it is impolite to leave letters unanswered for several days especially if the writers are ladies or if men superior in age or station notes of invitation should be replied to within 24 hours plain white cream-laid note paper and envelopes should be used the latter either square or wallet shaped but never of the oblong narrow shaped peculiar to business correspondence the address on the note paper should be embossed or printed in simple characters over ornament being in the worst taste if the writer is entitled to use a crest it should be produced as simply as possible with or without the family motto and free from the glow of varied color in which some men and women delight there are letters whose devices in scarlet and gold are strangely in contrast with the meager and disappointing character of their contents they make one think of fried sprouts served up on a gold entree dish the writing should be clear neat and legible the ink black in beginning a letter with sir or madam the omission of the name is remedied by inscribing it in the left hand corner at the bottom of the note in commercial correspondence it seems to be the rule to put the name of the address C just above dear sir or madam should it be advisable to enclose in any letter an envelope for a reply ready addressed it is not good form to put a squire after one's own name in addressing it married women and widows are not addressed by their own christian names but by those of their husbands for instance no one verse in social forms would write mrs mary smith but mrs john smith widows of titles men have their christian name put before their surname thus laura lady letting maria marchionis of adisbury georgina vis countis medway mary duchess of blinkton the unmarried daughters of dukes marquises and earls have their christian name invariably inserted between their courtesy title and the surname as lady mary baker when married they retain this form only substituting the husband's surname for their own as lady mary but if their husband should be a peer they merge their courtesy title in his the third person in correspondence is falling considerably into disuse and presenting compliments is almost obsolete invitations of a formal kind and their replies are couched in the third person but for purposes of correspondence with strangers it is almost always better to use the first person the exception is in replying to a letter written in the third person when it is in better taste to reply in the same way the third person is also used in writing to tradespeople mr. edleycott will feel obliged if mr. jones will kindly call on thursday morning with reference to some repairs in this case the reply would be written in the first person letters of introduction says la fontaine are drafts that must be cashed at site they are sometimes difficult to write especially if they have been asked for not volunteered they are always left unsealed but should there be circumstances about the person introduced which the other party should know it is well to communicate them in a private letter which should be dispatched so as to arrive before the letter of introduction is presented anyone receiving a letter of introduction would immediately take steps to show some attention to the individual introduced the usual thing is to ask him to dinner if he is a social equal to offer his services if he should be a superior and to ascertain in what way one can be useful to him if he is an inferior a personal call must proceed all invitations this is a fixed and rigid rule the exception being in the case of persons presenting their own letters of introduction as is usually done but should the person to whom they are addressed be out the form will call must follow all ladies from the queen downwards are addressed in beginning a letter as madam all gentlemen from the highest to the lowest as sir tradesmen however begin your royal highness your grace or your ladieship in writing to their titled employers they also address their letters quite differently as will be seen from the following instructions addresses of letters her majesty the queen to his royal highness the prince of wales to her royal highness the prince of wales the same form is used in addressing communications to all other members of the royal family adding the title where the word prince or princess would be incorrect as to his royal highness the duke of york to her royal highness the Duchess of york below the rank of royalty there is the distinction between the letters addressed by persons on inequality with those to whom formal and they write and by inferiors I shall call them formal and informal and range them in separate lines informal formal the duke of blank to his grace the duke of blank the Duchess of blank to her grace the Duchess of blank the marquee of blank to the most honorable the marquee of blank the Marchionis of blank to the most honorable the Marchionis of blank the earl of blank to the right honorable the earl of blank the countess of blank to the right honorable the countess of blank the viscount blank the right honorable the viscount blank the viscountess blank the right honorable the viscountess blank lord blank the right honorable lord blank or baron blank lady blank the right Honourable Lady Blink or Baroness Blink. Members of the Privy Council are also addressed as Right Honourable in the same way as peers. In this case, the names of commoners are not followed by the Abbreviation Esquire as The Right Honourable James Balfour MP. Ambassadors and their wives are addressed as His Excellency, Her Excellency, the personal and official titles following the word as to His Excellency the Earl of Blink, Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to France, to Her Excellency the Countess of Blink. Other official personages are addressed in the following way to His Excellency Lord Blink, Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, to His Grace the Archbishop of Blink, the Right Reverend the Bishop of Blink, the Very Reverend the Dean of Blink. Academical distinctions are indicated by the initials placed after the name, LLD for Doctor of Laws and Learning, DD for Doctor of Divinity and so on. So much for the envelopes, the proper way to begin letters is as follows. As I have mentioned, the Queen is addressed as Madam in the inside of a letter. A gentleman writing to the Queen would sign himself, I have the honour to submit myself with profound respect, Your Majesty's most devoted subject and servant. Above the word Madam should be written, Her Majesty the Queen. Lord Beaconsfield struck out a line of his own and in writing to the Queen began, Mr. Disraeli continuing in the third person and addressing Her Majesty in the second. The Prince of Wales is addressed as Sir, above this word being written to his royal Highness the Prince of Wales. Persons on intimate terms sometimes begin Sir or Dear Prince, others My Dear Prince. The Princess of Wales is occasionally addressed by friends as My Dear Princess. The two Orthodox endings to such letters are respectively Your Royal Highness's dutiful and obedient servant or a humbler style, Your Royal Highness's dutiful and most obedient servant. To all other royal princes and princesses the ending would be Most Humble and Obedient Servant. Dukes other than royal are addressed inside letters by intimates as Dear Duke by others My Lord Duke may it please Your Grace. In writing to a Duchess her title is placed above the Madam and formal letters Marquis would be addressed as My Lord Marquis. A very common form of mistake is that of omitting the Christian name from the court to see titles of the sons and daughters of Dukes, Marquis and Earl's. The sons have the title Lord prefixed to the Christian in surname, for instance Lord Alfred Osborn, Lord Henry Somerset. It is extremely incorrect to call either of these Lord Osborn or Lord Somerset. The daughters of Dukes, Marquis and Earl's have the title Lady before their Christian in surname, Lady Emily Heneage, for instance, must not be addressed as Lady Heneage. Should she marry a commoner, only the surname is altered, the Lady Emily remains. This may all appear a little involved to those unaccustomed to titles, but neglect of these forms indicates very clearly a lack of savoie faire. It is a source of great annoyance to the owners of court to see titles to have the Christian name omitted. Anybody, even a night's wife, may be a Lady Smith or Jones. The insertion of the Christian name before the Smith or Jones means that the possessor is the daughter of a Duke, Marquis or Earl. In beginning a letter to any of the above a stranger would say, Dear Lady Mary Smith, but the usual form would be Dear Lady Mary, inferiors would begin by writing the lady's title over the word Madam or merely beginning Madam in writing the title at the end of the letter. In writing to an ambassador or his wife, the title is placed above the word Sir or Madam. Inferiors would write, May it please your Excellency, and would conclude with, I have the honor to be your Excellency's most humble, obedient servant. In writing to an archbishop a correspondent would begin, Your Grace, ending, I remain your Grace's most obedient servant. To a bishop the form would be, My Lord, or, Write Reverend Sir, or, May it please your Lordship, the last being, of course, the humblest form of address. The conclusion would be I remain, My Lord, or, Write Reverend Sir, your most obedient servant. The beginning of a letter to a dean would be, Reverend Sir or Mr. Dean, the title of all these dignitaries, being informal letters indicted above the beginning. Those having slight acquaintance would begin, Dear Mr. Dean. Strangers would end the letter, I have the honor to be your most obedient servant. Doctors of Divinity are addressed as Reverend Sir, as well as Archdeacons and all other clergy. Intimates would begin letters to the above with, Dear Archbishop, Dear Bishop, Dear Dean, or, Dear Doctor. With the sole exception of lieutenants in the army, all officers have their military rank prefixed to their name, and signs and lieutenants are addressed as Esquire. In the navy admirals of the flag, white, blue, or red, are addressed as The Honorable, this being prefixed to the name. Otherwise a letter would begin Sir and end, I remain Sir your obedient servant. Commodores, captains, and lieutenants in the navy are all addressed in the same way. Chapter 25 Personal speech with royalty and rank It is sometimes difficult to know how to address personally people of high rank. The queen is addressed as Ma'am, by those immediately surrounding her person, and by princeses, duchesses, and others who are on terms that may be described as those of acquaintancehip with her majesty. All others would speak to her as Your Majesty. The princes of Wales and all other princes are in the same way addressed as Ma'am, or Your Royal Highness, according to the position of the person speaking to them. The Prince of Wales, with all other royal dukes and princes, is addressed as Sir, or Your Royal Highness, the Duke of Tech as Your Serene Highness, as well as many foreign princes. Equals would address all these as Prince. The following list will show the correct modes of addressing the nobility informally and formally, in conversation, the first being the custom among acquaintances, the letter by all others. Duke, informal, Duke, formal, Your Grace, duchess, informal, duchess, formal, Your Grace, marquee, informal, Lord A, formal, My Lord, or Your Lordship, Marchioness, informal, Lady A, formal, My Lady, or Your Ladyship, Earl, informal, Lord B, formal, My Lord, or Your Lordship, Countess, informal, Lady B, formal, My Lady, or Your Ladyship, Flycount, informal, Lord C, formal, My Lord, or Your Lordship, Flycountess, informal, Lady C, formal, My Lady, or Your Ladyship, Baron, informal, Lord D, formal, My Lord, or Your Lordship, Baroness, informal, Lady D, formal, My Lady, or Your Ladyship. It is one of the rules of etiquette that in speaking with royal persons, the inferior leaves it to them to originate subjects of conversation and never introduces any topic of his own. Letters of condolence are among the most difficult forms of composition. They are almost equally trying to read and to write. The best rule to be given for these is to make them as brief as possible. If brevity is the soul of wit, it is also, in such cases, the very heart of sympathy. A very usual thought committed is to begin by dilating upon the shock or grief felt by the writer. The absurdity of this becomes apparent when one compares mentally the shock or grief as felt by the recipient. Two lines conveying the expression of sympathy are better than pages of even the most eloquent composition. Morners require all their fortitude at times of loss, and anything likely to impair their self-command is the reverse of a kindness. On hearing or reading of the death of an acquaintance or friend, an expression of sympathy should at once be sent off. It used to be the custom to wait for the memoriam cards sent out by the family, but this, if it was ever the custom in the best society, has now long ceased to be so. Memoriam cards are only used in humble circles. At the same time, one needs to be very careful as to the accuracy of one's information before sending off a letter of condolence. Similarity of name is apt to lead to awkward mistakes. In this connection, it may be as well to remark that about a week after the funeral, it is customary to call and leave cards of inquiry. When these are responded to by cards of thanks for inquiries, it is a sign that the family is willing to receive callers.