 Hi everyone and welcome back to our podcast from the Kamasutra to 2020 where we look at your questions, your concerns, even your worries around all things to do with sex and sexuality. So unfortunately, again, we do not have Dr. Anita Madan Behl with us today due to medical reasons but in her place I am absolutely delighted to welcome onto our podcast the beautiful and very amazing Garima Surana. Garima is one of the shining stars of today's social media world. She is the host for a fabulous podcast called Popcast. It's a pop culture podcast and she tells me that it's a pandemic baby so she started it in March and Garima amazed that you already reached 200k subscribers and listeners which is absolutely amazing. But even beyond that Garima is an entrepreneur and she's just started some she's trying to launch something called the podcast platform, which is where she plans to connect investors with creative work. This is not just amazing because of course it's big money but I think what's really fabulous about this, Garima, is that the amount of channels that you're going to open up for people out there who don't know how to connect with investors. So I'm absolutely delighted to have you with us today. Welcome. Thank you for that flattering introduction. I'm honestly exhilarated to be here. I have spoken to you for my podcast before. It's about a little release in some time but Seema you're such a storehouse of wisdom, energy, knowledge and I told you this before but I'm just going to repeat it on your channel that, you know, if I'm your age and if I'm not even half as poised as you are it's just not worth it. So thank you for having me. You're so kind. Thank you. So, okay, this is another fabulous mutual admiration society platform and I love that. So Garima as you know that this platform was created to respond to a lot of people who are writing into us about all sorts of issues and problems, and we try as far as possible to address a lot of these things that come in. I know that you have also committed to trying to destroy taboos and stereotypes and so on with your podcast. So today what I'd like to do is I'd like to touch on the subject of sexting and phone sex more actually about sexting because over the pandemic. It's only taken on huge dimensions. I mean, it's just suddenly blown up everybody's indulging in it. And I find that over this time, the vocabulary has changed. And because of the vocabulary changing suddenly certain behaviors have become totally acceptable because there's a word for them now. I think it's very interesting, especially in the pandemic, you know, because a lot of couples, a lot of partners were away from each other and the basic emoji that we once knew, for example, if it's a, if it's water droplets, we once knew them as, you know, it was representation of sweat, or teary eyes or something and it's clearly now being indicated to something which is synonymous to a woman's orgasm. Similarly, there are so many motocons like a peach, which is, again, synonymous to your ass. And it, it does help in sexting and, you know, fighting that taboo. But I think it's the whole meaning has completely changed for sure. Yeah, I just found out about the water droplets two weeks ago. And I was horrified I was told by my daughter and some of her friends that you can't use this anymore because it means it means to come but you mean that it's only for a woman's orgasm or it's for both orgasms. I think it is representative of a woman's orgasm. It's also, I think it also represents squirting. So, I mean, essentially, like I said, it means, it means, you know, either if somebody's sweating or if somebody's teary eyed. If you place that teary motocon with something like a peach ass or you know with that cool thing, the cool black specs, then it means that you know you're probably either getting kinky or you're hinting towards something which might mean that hey I'm ready. Wow. Okay, I'm glad you told me that because I was getting really harassed by the fact that suddenly I can't use water droplets anymore but. Okay, so there is a little And then I was told you can't use aubergine anymore. Okay, it's like it's getting out of control, but tell me something. Okay, so the other day I was, so you know we're starting a podcast of stories and I was talking about ghosts. And then this whole idea of ghosting came up and once again I was like, oh my God, we have to just learn the English language over again. It's a task even for us millennials because the internet teaches you so many things. You know, every day there's a new definition which is coined every day, you're you're probably you know learning something new so ghosting of course would you like to tell people what ghosting is though if they do not know. I think you're going to explain ghosting to them. So ghosting is essentially when you withdraw communication or any form of contact with your partner or your friend without giving them a disclaimer. So if you stop your communication at any given point. It's it's technically termed as ghosting. But again, because you know like I was telling you ghosting is of course that I think most millennials and you know people on the internet are now familiar with. But I was reading about something very interesting which is called soft ghosting. Yeah, and soft ghosting essentially means that I will completely not stop replying to you. So I will just like your pictures or like your messages but I will never respond back. So it's a slow soft ghosting process. It just does not happen that you know one day I suddenly don't reply to you it's like, I'm there I will show my presence but it's soft you know. Okay, tell me something I mean this is actually to me this particular thing is just an example of what I was saying earlier that certain behaviors have become so acceptable suddenly. So now because we have a word for this we call it ghosting for for the longest time we've said this is a bad thing people shouldn't do it we've tried to say to men and women both that you know if you're if you're seeing somebody give them an explanation is good. And now suddenly ghosting is like it's the norm it's like yeah we all do it. Yeah, in fact. So ghosting is of course the process of you know ghosting somebody but a ghost buster just to educate everybody a ghost buster is essentially a person who will continue to text and call, even though they have. They've been ghosted by the other person, and I think I'm guilty of doing this even if I was being ghosted by somebody for whatever reason. It of course takes a toll on your mental health and then you are the ghost buster because you're trying to. You're trying to not go into this guilt trip where you want to blame yourself. Absolutely the other person who's ghosted you know. So, you know with all the internet knowledge now thinking and of course you're much more aware, I think our parents generation, or even a decade back I myself didn't know what is ghosting or if I'm being ghosted. So yeah I think there's so much to learn from the internet also actually. And I guess there's so much more pressure on just being a person in a relationship today because you know when people say to me okay. How can we use social media, can it be used to actually make our relationship stronger better, more exciting. And I have lots of different types of advice that I give them where I say you know, open yourself up in text messages you can learn so much better because you're not face to face. It's such a great platform for building relationships or for flirting or for really having fun if that's what you want to do. But I guess you can't do that today unless you've learned a whole different language. It becomes difficult I think when you said that communication is the key 100%. But I think for our generation proactive communication becomes something very very important because I mean we have to take that initiative to keep the spark alive in any relationship. You know you have to proactively communicate if your partner is probably passive then you have to proactively you know ignite the conversation or the fire or the charm. And so the whole idea is, of course communication is important but if you proactively try to keep the charm alive, which you have to consciously do. You know in order to keep everything good and sparkling but I think proactive communication is something very very important with our generation especially needs to learn. You know, so a lot of youngsters that I speak to they feel like when they're telling me these words and I am clueless about a lot of them. So it's generally a joke right so we laugh over it and I'm like okay this means this, but I have to tell you that you know this is not a new thing. The Kamasutra which was written 2000 years ago says that all lovers should have a secret form of communication so there should be all sorts of emojis and objects and things that should be passed back and forth to express an idea. So when you put everything into solid words and big sentences, it kind of kills it. So you have to do some of it through just little objects and little things. So this idea is as old as the hills. I mean did you know that it was literally everything so you could use things from the kitchen. Haldi, you could send Haldi to somebody to say that I love you. In covid times if you send Haldi to somebody then it's meaning altogether. What does it mean now? What does it mean now? No I mean just because you know Haldi is something which is antiseptic and it sort of treats you and you know my mother has been telling me you know just do Haldi what a gargle and just take a pinch of Haldi every day in your diet. I hope it wasn't antiseptic what you're hinting at. No it's not it was literally a case you could send Ilaichi in a pod you could send Badam separately. So all these things had their own language but I think my favorite thing that I would have used if I was to make a whole set of emojis from that time was the different types of scratches for your nails. So if you were very high sexual energy you would shape your nails in three separate points like a saw. If you were medium sexual energy it would be one point like a parrot's beak and if you were low sexual energy your nails would be shaped flat. But the thing is okay the fashion is now that we shape them flat but you know I always say that it's okay but we don't say that this is low sexual energy now but I always say to people that you know if you want to send your partner like a come on message when you get manicure done send them a photo of your manicure and let that be a little sign to say I'm thinking of you I'm excited you know like this is I'm actually thinking of you in those terms because it's just such a great communication point. So I understand that there are lots of different ways of communicating and different types of ways of passing messages. But okay I tell you what before we go any further. I can tell you a couple of these that the comes through three years. Give me a few really weird ones that you've come across which I know I probably wouldn't have heard of. I mean I used one where I was like I started dating in high school so I would never say I love you if I would be around you know with my mom or my parents or I mean any relative basically so I had a Nepali friend from school and I asked her how do you say I love you in Nepali. And she told me it's more similar month or on show something like that I'm sorry if there's any Nepalese was watching this but yeah so she told me it's like this and you know and then I figured out this unique way of saying I love you even though I would be around with somebody. So I would be like more similar month or on show this is like back where I was an 11 standard. Another thing that I would do is you know if my partner would always end the conversation with something very cheesy or romantic or you know maybe crossing the boundary and again if I was around with somebody. My code language was pretty simple I would write no etc etc dot so it means you're not supposed to say anything you know vulgar so to say so no etc would be my code that okay you have to know you know we have to draw the line now. That's amazing I love that and see I love the fact that you, aside from the fact that you set a code of behaviors, but the fact that you were strong enough to be able to say that I think that's really fantastic. Yeah, so codes I guess can work in so many different ways. I think I think one of the things about being sexually intimate with somebody is that you know you share 5050 amount of how do I say it. So you share that power to be yourself and respect your set of rules that you've set for yourself and to be able to give you know the other person also the power of consent it's very very important and for any sexual relationship consent and condoms both are very important. The three main seeds. Oh yes. Extremely important. So, tell me has there, have there been any specific words or emoticons that have come out to sort of give women a little bit of agency just some power in their hands to, to defend themselves to protect themselves or to move forward. Um, emoticons per se. Or even words like I said you know specific words that get you is to even in sexting or. Yes, yes, yes, I think one of the words that I recently learned was called Stelting. And I think every woman should know about it and I just mentioned condom it's actually got to do with condom so Stelting is just to put it very simply Stelting is a process when your man removes his condom in the act slightly so that you know you so you're not aware about it and I think it's a practice that most men get indulged into it's of course not healthy. And you should have communication active so Stelting is something that is is a word that you should be, you know, knowing you should know the process and if your man ever ever does it, please tell him not to tell him something else that. So we all know what is one night stand. A half night stand is something again that I that I happened to I was speaking to somebody and I got to know about this whole new phenomena of half night stand. So in a one night stand typically you after you finish your business you will end up staying over at your partner's house. But in a half night stand you finish the business and you come back to your house you come back to your bed. So there is no obligation or if you just you know if it just there for sex then you come back to your own place. So depends how you want to take it. So something else that I also recently discovered was cloaking. Yes, the cloaking is when a person stands you up for a date, but then also blocks you and all the dating apps that you've been involved. So it's sort of like ghosting, but he also stands you up on the date. So it's like five times more. Yeah, probably. Yes. So there's like a whole new bunch of millennial dating definitions, something again one of my friends here. So they have this very weird phenomena of only dating during the winters and then breaking up in the summer. Oh, which is called that also. Yeah, why I think season is again I mean if you just you know you just want the warmth of somebody during winters. Just because you know you want a cushion to yourself or you want to be warm and cuddly and comfortable. And as soon as the spring hits in or the summer sets in you are like, you know, you go your way and my way is probably highway. Wow. I think that is also pretty. I mean, of course there are, you know, relationship like you correctly said same other. It's just beyond these words and it's actually we keep saying that you're not parents generation had a love so pure but I think now also like of course there is scope but with all these new words and having a term coined for itself is just, it just becomes like a tedious process to fall into love you know you don't know where do you want to bucket yourself into. Yeah, like I said you know suddenly with having been given these very cool acceptable names. It seems as though those things are becoming acceptable and we say this when we're trying to break stereotypes that you know we don't use words for the vagina we never say the word vagina we don't say the word penis we don't use certain words. And we disenfranchise people by not saying it. But similarly when you say that certain words, I guess you give permission for that to become. And I'm just, I'm amazed that there are actually people who will do only winter relationships and then bye bye for summer. Yeah, bye bye for summer, maybe somebody else and then you are, you know, or there are people there are legit people and I know of these people like I said this friend of mine. But for them, it's a set up, you know, and both of them are okay with it they want themselves to be together during winters and then as soon as summer sets in. They want to break not that they will go and date somebody else, but they want to break to just sort of breathe in that they now know more with somebody and they can be by themselves. It's pretty weird though. Yeah, I'm definitely old school, but I just thinking that how do you, how does the person on the receiving end deal with this, because whatever we might say, when you're in a relationship, I think that we are most vulnerable. You know that's when you feel the most amount of insecurity. We've all been stood up at some point we've all been turned down with. There was this guy in my life years ago. And I was besotted with him. I was like, you know, it was just amazing. And I discovered eventually that he was in love with somebody else and I can't tell you what it did to me just broke me. And so I was just there as somebody that you know he would be friends with and yeah I was good company to have but he was actually in love with somebody else. There was no word for these things in those days. I just remember. I was in a relationship. Sorry, what? Situation ship, which is when you're swinging between being friends with somebody, or figuring out if you are actually in a relationship with them. So when you're literally on the highway or friendship and relationship with situations. Okay. Well, I was situation shipped. Yeah. That was a situation ship. Okay, mine was a situation ship but you know I still remember what it made me feel like it just made me feel awful. Yeah, and you know it's just it kind of destroys you on the inside so what are the terms there that you can go to for empowerment like I mean is there like almost words which are like one word advisory words which are like, Okay, you have been aired or ghosted or, yeah, I don't know cloaked or whatever. Is there like, Okay, do this. I'm not too sure about more empowering words because all of them, you know, go down the gutter and they just add there to tell you that these are the emotions that you know, if somebody is not talking to you then baby you're being ghosted right so that the more terms I think to indoctrinate you or to educate you when it comes to the other side of the relationship but not more terms when it comes to empowerment and it's a very good revelation right now we need more terms to have for a healthy empowered equal relationship you know or even a healthy empowered place to go like okay, we've now come to accept in our heads that there is a thing called ghosting and chances are very high that you will be ghosted because there are just so many people out there today who are on these apps and who are available. So, if you're ghosted, babe, this is what it is kind of like, okay I'm leaving this one with you you have to come up with a word Karima. Yes, and I think everybody who is you know everybody who is watching us if you know of words that will empower you, or if you know of any words on the other side of the spectrum, please put down in the comments and educate us also so that we just don't know about ghosting and we know about better things as well. Absolutely, if you had to come up with a word, what would it be I'm just trying to think if you come up with something I want you to tell me as well. It might be something that the podcast coins now. Wow, you've come up with such some amazing words I have to tell all our audiences out there that Karima has me absolutely floored with some of the incredible language the words that she uses. And one of my favorites was the fault with our rivals. I love it. Please, can you tell everybody about that that's just so cool. Yeah, so of course it's a word play and I love doing word plays. And one of the other word plays that we do is to break the stereotypes, we call it break this three or types because essentially most of the stereotypes are for women. We take it down into three or types. So that's that's one but coming back to the fault in our Rahul. So it of course stemmed from the fault in our stars, but it also comes from the fact that, you know, the pop culture products Bollywood movies and especially Harma Productions, you know, has ruined the young girls' lives and dreams and, you know, what they perceive of love and romance to be in their definition. So these boys, mostly called Rahul portrayed by Shah Rukh Khan in our movies, were these, you know, chocolate boys who would be like super macho but trashy macho men and, you know, even though they would be chocolate looking but they would be problematic. And it's only now that we realize that they were problematic because in our childhood we all laughed to those movies. And probably we still would be laughing but we understand the layers of patriarchy that, you know, it has or we now probably understand the deeper level of meaning. So a Rahul in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, now we know is problematic. The way he treated Anjali or the way he said, Oh, you're a tomboy, which boy do you like? No. I mean, if you are a tomboy and if this is how you desire to be, then good for you. But, you know, who the hell gives Rahul to talk to you like that? It took Rahul like literally a daughter, a dead wife, and I think a decade of time to realize his true love. So clearly he's a f**kboy. What's a f**kboy? Oh, a f**kboy. Oh, a f**kboy. Sorry, she said f**kboy. Okay, yeah. No, f**kboy. Ask any girl these days what's a f**kboy and they will know for sure. No, even I know that one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, even I know that one. Okay, so tell me something. You know, this idea of sexting, which like I said suddenly has become so big. I've been getting emails from people from men and women saying my partner, my wife, whatever during this time has been sexting somebody else, particularly partners, boyfriends, girlfriends. They have been, you know, he's been cheating on me. She's been cheating on me. She's been talking to other boys. He's been talking to other women. Now, in the past, in our old mythology, the woman's purity had to be so intense that in her brain, if she ever looked at another man, if she ever thought of another man, that was it, her purity was finished. And then we come to this point, which I've been trying to fish out certain texts and things which say that there are three types of sin. There's the sin that happens in your mind where you just think about something which is the smallest sin. You can say certain prayers and it's finished. There is the sin of words where you say certain things and once you said them you can say certain prayers, give so much done and it's finished and then finally the sin of action where you act on something and you do this and you do that and you can clean that you can basically clean that up. Now, what do you think sexting comes under me. You know, it seems feels like a very harmless sort of thing. It's a bit of fantasy. But it's being perceived as something so powerful and solid, not just like words on a phone that people are seeing it as sinful they're feeling that it's against the idea of monogamy and they're being hurt by it. Yeah. So what you just described is actually there is a there is a term for it. It's called micro cheating. And I think guilty guilty as charged. So micro cheating is essentially just for anybody who doesn't know is if you are with somebody and if you still happen, you know we're all human beings and you don't walk with your eyes shut. And to anybody who hops the flag of, you know, being monogamous and, you know, it takes pride in it great good for you but there are dozens and you know thousands and I don't know how many women are there or men out there who might just want to challenge the concept of monogamy. And micro cheating can be a slippery slope. I mean, like you said, what may start as a harmless text conversation or as a, you know, flirtatious message, you don't even know when does it realize into, you know, something much more than that and the whole concept can be pretty pretty ugly actually. So, for us, and I've always wondered about this one thing that what, where do you actually draw the line, you know, for, for concepts like infidelity I mean of course if you're going out of a relationship if you're having sex with another person then that's clearly a demarcation that you are cheating with somebody but subliminally. If you are in the act of, you know, making love to somebody and if you still think about somebody else that how would they be in bed with me right now. Or if you are probably, you know, having, if you're having a moment with your partner which is still on phone with another person sharing the same moment. It is, it is, it just becomes very, very ugly I think and for you to have that understanding of what you want from life can be a very difficult question because you're clearly enjoying the physical part of one relationship by physical I don't mean the sexual act I mean the physical presence of your partner. But you also want, at the other hand, to be on the phone with somebody who might just, you might just be lured to you know. So, I mean I want you to give us and educate us more on where to draw the line because us millennials are clearly jumping around the fence so to say and we do not have much understanding what does Kamasutra tell you about cheating though. But interestingly the Kamasutra doesn't actually talk about cheating in the way that we see it because it doesn't define anything you know it's great because it says that all these emotions are so fluid you can feel this way today and this way tomorrow. So there is no such thing as ke yeh hai to this is what it would be. It's always. So it's very fluid, but the idea that you could be thinking of somebody else is very natural. If not every day certainly every now and then fantasy is a very healthy part of keeping any relationship going because everybody needs some kind of variety. So I say okay you need to try different types of fantasies different things for variety, rather than actually physically stepping out of a relationship. But to me, you know, this the idea that you might go and flirt with somebody like you said it can start very harmlessly. And it's always a bit of fun. But if you're going to do that. I think a lot of people think always that it'll be fun and then before they know it it's out of control. And so, if you're ever going to do that, you're going to flirt you can have a little flirtatious conversation. You must become aware that it needs to stop off the first or two conversations you can't take it further because the moment you do it will get out of your own control. Yes, of course so yeah that conscious awareness has to come from your own mind aware this conversation is leading to if you're still doing it purposefully. Because you want it to end in a certain way, but then be aware of what you're trying to do here because the only person who might end up getting hurt in this process is you yourself. Yeah, because you will always have that guilt trapped in you of cheating your partner. And just not just that there will always come a sticky end to I mean any relationship, not all, but 95% of the time that relationship will come to a sticky end, and it involves pain. And so we in ourselves need to understand what we're doing. It's very hard though when you're young. And this is starting and we all feel invincible. Okay, I'm doing this. I can stop anytime I want. Yeah, I mean I can't even stop eating a slice of chocolate cake when I want to. Certainly, if I start to flirt with somebody, you know it gives you such a high. It makes you so excited. I think I always just put myself into this, this song that it will just cheat when I do this. I don't really know how long will that, you know, feeling even stay of being attracted to somebody for all you know it might just be. And I think for most people because I grew up in Delhi I think for most of us we just find a man looking hot and then the minute he opens his mouth and we're like, sorry. Yeah, a lot of them should just keep quiet. Yeah, it's a shit show then it's actually a shit show. So tell me something this in in sexting language. Yeah, is there something to actually draw boundaries other like, okay, this far and like you said you had this no etc. Yeah, I think there are more emoticons to encourage sexting than block sexting so there's another emoticon which is I think newly introduced it's it's the cancer side but it's like an inverted 69. So that also means, of course, being in the position, or you're asking your partner to be there's another one which if you, if you use the dog emoticon, but with something kinky again. So it's it's not your pet then for sure. So, yeah, that is there. But I think going back to your topic of cheating. One, you know, if I can just be vulnerable here and share my experience when when I came when I had this moment, you know, in my life where I was in a serious committed relationship with my partner but for, I mean, for some time I was sort of attracted to this another man. I think when people say, or you know, even when experts like you say communication is the key we don't really take it to our head. But I think I was, I learned it, I think from the very, I learned it from the very start of it and I, the first thing that I did was actually communicate to my partner. Very honestly, without any inhibition, I mustered up the courage, I walked up to him and I said, there's this man I'm attracted to. I really love you, but I cannot stop the attraction. It's, it's, you know, I don't really know many women who who muster up that courage to speak to their partner and figure out a way of going about this because in my head I was very, very sure that, you know, my relationship with you is much more important than any tiny fetish or any kink in my head, you know, so I think having that communication proactively reaching out to your partner whenever something is wrong is the key if you really are 100% confident about your relationship. Otherwise, the world is, you know, full of men and women and kinks and fantasies and one comes and other goes and it's a vicious circle. You can choose to, sorry for putting it very loosely, but you can choose to, you know, hold around or you can just choose to be monogamous that's completely, and nothing is wrong in either. I mean, even if you're holding around, there's absolutely as long as you're safe, of course. Yeah, it's a choice. Yeah, it's a choice that absolutely you'll make and you know there shouldn't be any judgments on that for sure. Unfortunately, the reality is totally different and we judge even if we don't think that something is going on. The first thing to do is to judge. What you said about the communication bit because like I said to me I think that nothing actually builds a relationship quite like communication does. You cannot swap it for anything. And funnily enough, the comes through again says, at one point it says that if your wife so it's written for men as I think I've mentioned before, because back in the fourth century when the comes through was written, women weren't taught how to read or write so the books are written for men. It says that if your wife actually goes off and is with somebody else or gets attracted to somebody else. Don't treat it like a mortal sin, because it can happen. So, you know, we all understand that we get hurt we get upset, but it is not something that should end your life or end your relationship. And it goes on to say that just just like you might do it and you would expect her to respond with a certain amount of calm and understanding, you must do the same for her as well. And I think that couples who can actually come to that understanding are amazing, but that has to come from inner self esteem it has to come from within you to say that it's okay. I still have people writing to me and saying that my wife, who they've been married now two three years before we got married had other relationships. And I'm finding that very hard to accept. And there was this one man who wrote and I understand his hurt but I just think that at some point you know you've been with this girl now he said, It was an arranged marriage as well and I feel that she let me down you know you cannot say that just because it was an arranged marriage that automatically you presume that somebody would be a virgin or and if it means that much to you, like I'm with us says, communicate, ask them you ask people are you vegetarian or not. Yeah, when you meet them. Yeah, you know, so. Actually, again, I have a friend who hasn't made or, you know, gone any explored anything about being in a sexual encounter with somebody, only because, and he's a great friend of ours, only because he wants his woman to be pure. And all of our friends have you know together made him understand so much that what you're looking for is something very hard. One, and second for you to have that kind of, you know, a mental understanding that you will that your woman has to be pure just because she's virgin. And that's your definition and that's your standard of measuring any woman basis of purity is absolutely trashy, you know, and we've tried to really teach him hard. He's now in Australia, and I don't know what what he's up to now and what's his new life like but while he was in Delhi. He was a smart one man who would, who would always stick to the fact that if I ever make out with somebody that woman has to be with me for the first time. And I have to touch up for the first time and there are enough and more people like him, you know, who will have these miscontrude things and their own definition of some bullshit theory that they've made up in their mind. Karima that's been a really fascinating conversation and for me particularly it's been really enlightening because now I knew I know more words. And I know that there are certain things that if I was to enter the millennial world there are certain things that I can do without being judged as well because it's part of the norm now the behavior. Yeah. But I think I don't even I don't know if it's good or bad but yes. Before we actually sign off. There's a couple of things that I'd like to finish with. One is that if you are going to give any advice around the language of sexting and the behaviors of sexting to women. What would your advice be. I enjoy as much as you can if there's a if there's an emoticon make use of it express yourself don't feel shy to you know express yourself via that emoticon but having said that be aware of the predators around you know if you are sending your nudes out to somebody. Make sure that you trust the person enough. Make sure that you know there is an understanding and if at all you are sending nudes you know there are ways that you don't have to show your face necessarily or depends on the level of comfort that you are with that person. So I think there's nothing harm in sexting I think all for sexting and especially pandemic you know sexting has been such a rescue for couples who are either in long distance or are away. So all for sexting having said that just be very very cautious when you do it Internet can be a mad place. And you do not want to risk yourself so enjoy exploit explore a lot of what you can. It's absolutely all right to explore your own sexuality and if an emoticon, you know can help you and can aid you to tell the person that you're about to come then great I mean amazing. Yeah, that reminds me of. So, but I think this is 17th century or 16th century Britain. There is this in the history of Britain there is this woman who was actually the head of a particular family and she was a lesbian and in those days of course in Britain, it was completely unacceptable. She's so powerful you know she's the head of her family she's rich. She's kept these diaries and she did have a lesbian relationships, and in her diary as she writes very graphically what she's done. And then in the margin she would put an exclamation mark and that meant that she'd come that was her orgasm. It's just so lovely because you can actually read these very graphic diaries within exclamation marks and okay, I've come now. So, like I said it's been around for a long long time. I wish her diary would be full with orgasms because most women and we were having this conversation on our podcast on my podcast that most women don't end up having orgasms because any women who are like in the mid 20s, mid 30s and mid 40s and who would still not with their kids actually, you know, who made babies but still wouldn't orgasm because it's such a taboo to even speak the word out forget about the whole biology to how a woman orgasms. Absolutely I always say that sex is not the taboo subject actually pleasure is the taboo subject. You can talk about sex you can get course you can get crude talk about pleasure and that's it. You're a bad person. And also just as a pointer you were saying that, you know, the idea of the nudes and how actually dangerous it can be on the internet and I agree totally aren't there any emoticons that you can send as newbies as opposed to yourself. I understand that bikini, you know, emoticon, if at all you want to represent but that never suffices because if you are, you know, into like full power sex thing and if you are in the act of it completely then the bikini picture does not suffice. So yeah, but I think, I mean, I've personally never been comfortable with the concept of nudes. So I honestly don't remember maybe once or twice but I don't remember being very comfortable with nudes particularly it's a personal choice. I mean, I don't myself I'm not comfortable but if you are comfortable still be very conscious of the fact that you trust the person enough to leak out your private pictures to them. Great, that's really good advice. And if you had to give a little bit of advice on sexting to the men to the boys, particularly, and I'm specifying over here the younger boys because those are the people who are really coming into this this is, you know, the older teens who are really relying on this because a lot of them who've been writing in and saying that they got low self esteem that never actually been with a woman they've tried it doesn't work. Oh my God, what should I do. What's your advice to them. I think for young boys, particularly it's very important that you seek consent from your woman and it's very important for you to adapt this concept of consent. If you write, rather than just saying I want to do this to you, you know, if you really want to do something ask her, would it be okay if I do something, you know, I how about I do this, are you comfortable if I dot dot dot dot. You know, it just makes your woman feel so much more wanted, it makes her feel so much more secure, it makes her feel that you're so much sensitive and understanding to her emotions. So I think consent is extremely sexy. And if put in the right way, if you know you can arouse your woman like this, nothing like it. So don't be shy of asking her and don't be in the impression that I have to look hyper male and you know this macho man. And it'll just shatter my machoism if I ask her for something no, I think she will feel much much better and she will respect and appreciate you more if you ask her for it. Yeah, I think also I'd like young men to know going on from there which is brilliant advice that a lot of times what men or boys think amongst each other is not necessarily what the woman is actually looking for. But if your relationship is with another man, then by all means get the advice of another man. If your relationship was with another woman, get the advice from her on what she would like to be treated as. Yeah, or how she would like to be treated, rather than seeing what your peer group has to say, I think that's really, really good advice. And the last one is that what has also come out of this pandemic is that somehow suddenly a lot of older women and younger men are now sexting each other. So they're not necessarily in physical relationships but there is this kind of sexual relationship based around phone sex and sexting going on. What is your advice for older women because like if there's something that they should know about sexting. Because let's face it, this is a whole band of people who don't necessarily know the language who don't necessarily know what are the rules around all this. So, is there something that you can advise them. I think one way simple thing and that implies to everybody if you are not aware of any concept, if you can still be naive and embrace that and comfortable that hey, I am not too sure if this is the right thing that I'm doing but you know I'm sending you these conflicts because I'm almost there, you know, or something, it just makes the other person feel so much, you know that this person is, there's this such a trust that comes into the place and it just becomes such a wonderful conversation if you embrace yourself and if you're not shy to admit that you cannot know this but clearly I have, you know, much more wisdom and much more, I mean, I've been there, done that babe, like so many times maybe more than you, or I have, you know, so much more experience than you but for older women or older men I think they might just sometimes feel that, you know, what if the Gen Z or Millennial, you know, people might think about me but I think let that go, you know, what counts is the personality, the way you speak, the way what your thought process is that's much more important than those five minute of, you know, an act that's coming out there. So it's okay to be vulnerable and express yourself out there. Karima, thank you so much for your time, you know, I really enjoyed our conversation, I know I've learned a lot, and I think your advice on all levels has been amazing. And I hope that the women listening to us, the girls listening to us, do actually hear what you said that, you know, go out and explore your sexuality, own it, take it over, love yourself, but be extremely careful, protect yourself. And to the young boys that you go out there and take consent, even behind the shield of the internet, behind the shield of the phone, get your consent because that's what makes you a more desirable lover. People never understand the difference between a great lover and a desirable lover. I think even when you're sending your, even I think when you're sending your dick pics to women while sexting, I think ask for it. You know, don't just blatantly send out a dark looking aubergine, you know, it's not the best thing we want to see, trust me and personally, like if somebody sends that to me, like I would not be even half, I mean, that's nowhere close to me being horny if I look at your thing, you know, it does not do what you expect me to react after this. Like I'm probably freaking out. So ask for it maybe before sending if I'm in that, you know, mental space also to embrace it. Yeah. Absolutely. And I think another point that you made earlier that don't look at this as cheating. I know that we have a word for it. It's called micro cheating. But it's not necessarily something that should destroy a relationship so you have to be extremely careful take responsibility for what you're doing and be careful with it always be careful with it. And thank you so much. Is there anything that I've left out that you would like to add just before we go. I think what's the, you know, the only one thing we've given advice to young women, young men, older men and older women, I think only one set of people are left out here in terms of advice, and which is our parents. I think if there's any parent who's watching this and if you ever find your children being sexually curious, or, you know, what if you ever find them sexting, or if you find if you ever find anything sexual related to, you know, and anything sexual where kids are indulged into, please make a safe space for them do not shame them for being curious about it. It's very, very important as a parent that you teach your kids about the safe space you tell you educate them about the concept of pedophiles you tell them, you know, about predators that there are bad people out there and it's okay for you to be curious. Your hormones are kicking in or whatever, but I think it's very, very important to not shame your kids at all or beat them up or, you know, do anything bizarre to them, because that will be their first understanding of anything that is around sex, you know, if you instill that fear and shame in them, that's how they're going to be. So it's very important for you to really be great parents and be great to your kids about it actually. Extremely good advice. I think a lot of people could actually do with that and I hope, I hope that parents do take this on board because remember you were young once. So I have had an amazingly wonderful time listening to Karima. Thank you so much. I hope that everybody out there when you listen in you find it as useful and fascinating as I have. If you have any questions on the video, do like, comment, subscribe. If you have any questions, send them into info.seema.anand at gmail.com. And if you wish to get in touch with Karima, she is at Popcast with Karima, Popcast spell P-O-P-K-A-S-T. Popcast with Karima on Instagram and Popcast with Karima at gmail.com on email if you want to write to her. Thank you for having me. I think I had such a ball and honestly I learned so much more than that I could add value to you. I hope your listeners had a fun time and I'm hoping and waiting that our episode on my podcast comes out soon and I wish you all the best for this podcast. Thank you Karima and bye-bye everybody. We'll see you next week.