 Good evening lovebirds, welcome back to another episode of the dating and autistic series. My name is Thomas Henley and in this series I will be tackling some of the common difficulties that surround a neurotypical autistic relationship. Today we are going back in time and away going to be talking about how to understand if an autistic person is interested in you. Maybe you have some kind of inkling that an autistic person likes you and you want to know for sure if they do. Now it's a little bit of a difficult process to psychoanalyse and accurately understand whether someone likes you anyway, a neurotypical person, but when it comes to us auties we seem to be a lot more difficult to suss out, especially if they are very shy and introverted. If you've ever googled or you-tubed how do I know if this person likes me or how do I know if this person is displaying the traits that you know, all of that mumble jumble that is important I guess for understanding what types of social communication indicates that someone is interested in you. So you will be pretty clued up on the traditional signs of attraction, fidgeting with your hair, eye contact, leaning into a conversation, looking at your lips, these are all common signs of attraction. But when it comes to autistic people, well we don't always display those common signs of attraction or at least not in the traditional sense. The common slip ups, let's actually go into some of the things that initially may indicate that someone is disinterested in you or doesn't like you. One of the most common things that people mistake for lack of interest in autistic people is lack of eye contact. Depending on the autistic person they may make completely zero eye contact or they just may make way too much. I have made a video on the reason why we don't like eye contact and I will put that video up there somewhere up there if you want to check that out. But at its core we just find eye contact with anyone quite uncomfortable, more than the average person. So in order to combat this we may look directly through you which may be misconstrued as staring or we may just completely avoid your gaze full stop. You may think that looking away or looking at the floor is a very glaring sign of disinterest but that's not always the case. Secondly you may know that body language is a very good indicator of someone's attraction. For example if someone's pointing their feet or belly button towards you it usually indicates that they want to talk to you and they are enjoying the conversation. And of course if they display a lot of the typical open bodied body language it's likely that they are feeling quite comfortable with the conversation and want to continue. However, again if an autistic person does not do these things they point away, they don't display that open body language they're very closed and look like they're quite uncomfortable this does not mean that they don't want to continue talking or they are disinterested in you. For most people that body language, those facial expressions, those tones of voice come very natural to them but for autistic people we have to learn them and if we haven't learnt them then we are likely not to do them. We focus more on what is said, we communicate our thoughts and emotions through our words and not necessarily the way that we say them or their delivery. So if an autistic person doesn't display these bodily and facial signs of interest and attraction do not be put off because it may just mean that they just don't do them. Other factors that come in could be our hypersensitivity to sensory things so if we're in a loud place, if our social anxiety is very high, we're very introverted and shy it's likely that those things are going to get in the way of us expressing our interest. Lastly if we are very blunt, logical and if we cut you off mid-sentence and get distracted easily, these signs do not mean that they don't like you. Being quiet and cutting you off mid-sentence is usually an indicator of having a lower social ability, a lower natural baseline that you work with. Most people, all these body language tools and the flow of conversation comes very naturally to them, but for autistic people it's very difficult to get into the flow of that and understand when it's your time to speak and what to talk about. The bluntness and our tendency to be a bit more logical in our social interaction is quite a hallmark of an autism diagnosis. We like to get to the core of the conversation and respond in as little words as possible unless it's our special interest where we will go to great lengths to regurgitate all the knowledge we have on them. In terms of distraction, well if we are particularly hypersensitive then it can feel like all the noises and lights and things that are going on in the background constantly compete for our attention. We may be able to focus for a little while, but especially if we are in very busy or noisy environments then we can lose our train of thought a lot and we can find it difficult to pay attention. It's like trying to remember a phone number when someone's randomly shouting out numbers at you. It's very difficult to do. The signs of attraction. What are the signs? How can you tell if an autistic person likes you? Number one, if we make any active effort to try and have a conversation with you or introduce ourselves to you when compared to how we are with other people, it's a very good first sign. If we are somewhere like a sports class, a gym, a library or pretty much damn well anywhere else, we are there to do what we set out to do in that place. Our main focus is to complete that goal to do whatever we are supposed to do there and then move on to the next thing in our day. So if we specifically come to you to start a conversation multiple times in pretty much any situation and we tend to sort of linger around your general area when most people would have moved away, it's likely that we have some sort of interest in you. Number two, we look at you. I know that in most common situations if someone looks at you or you know multiple times and you know gives you a smile or want to get your attention in some way then that is a good sign of attraction. Projecting those social signals and making that eye contact actually takes a lot out of us because we have to voluntarily and consciously do all of these things. Once we make that effort, it's likely that we value your opinion of us and so want to come across in the best way possible. If we smile and again if we put that extra effort into displaying our emotions for our body or our facial expressions, that extra effort is also a good indicator. Number three, this is another one of those comparative signs. For the more shy and introverted autistic people, it's going to be a lot harder to know what to say and not appear visibly anxious when you're talking to someone that you're interested in. I mean, if you don't like someone and you're not bothered about talking to someone then you're not going to overthink how you're coming across to someone else and you're likely to feel a lot more comfortable. Not with an attractive and oh so lovely person like yourself, it's likely that they're going to care more. Number four, they ask questions and for your opinion on things. We generally don't pay attention much to the opinions of others unless we value them in some way. And if they do value your opinion, then it's likely that they either want to be friends with you or they have a romantic interest in yourself. Number five, we're nearly there, we've got one more after this, don't worry about it. You'll have to look at me for much longer. They want to help you, whether it's small or big, they will always offer their assistance in pretty much every scenario. Number six, the last one of course, good old complimentation. If we take active effort to compliment you on something, whether it's your skill, your fashion sense, your appearance, then it's likely that we have some sort of interest in you. We're going to want to make that effort because we want to buddy you up, buddy you up so that you'll go out on a date with us. And it's likely if they do this on a regular basis that they are in some way attracted to you. In conclusion. Yes, what's the conclusion of the video, Tom? Get on with it. Look, for most people, the dating and relationship arena is the art of subtle communication, the art of saying things in the right way and saying the right things at the right time. It's a very, very complex process for anyone to understand. One of the great things about an autistic person is that we tend to be a lot more upfront and truthful about our opinions and pretty much anything in general. If you are wondering if an autistic person likes you, the best way to do that is to ask them, honestly, just ask them. Of course, in a situation where it's a bit more private, you don't want to do it in front of masses of people in a group. But honestly, it is the most foolproof way of knowing whether an autistic person likes you. With a neurotypical person, sometimes they won't straight out say that they do, they might be a bit ambiguous about it. But if you are talking to an autistic person, we are likely to give you that honest and truthful answer. Our word of mouth trumps all of that silly nonverbal communication. And if they are quite confident and extroverted, it's likely that you don't even need this video because they're probably going to ask you out at some point. Of course, not everybody can be psychoanalyzed to figure out whether they are attracted to you. So it's important to at least be aware of these things, but not take them to the word. Every person is different. Every autistic person is different. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. Some might be a bit more socially anxious and introverted, whereas some people might be a bit more outgoing and in your face and sometimes a little bit hard to deal with. Of course, sometimes these signs of interest, these things that I've mentioned, may just be an indicator that they want to be friends. A lot of autistic people don't generally want to jump straight into the dating environment if they don't know someone well. So if they want to be friends, then they might be trying to understand who you are as a person before jumping into anything long term. The sad truth is a lot of autistic people are very highly socially isolated. There's not a lot of autistic people who find partners. So we don't have a lot of experience in those arenas. We also tend to be a little bit more vulnerable to nasty and mean people because of our inherent nature in trusting people that can lead us down a lot of avenues that most people would understand and avoid. I believe that a lot of the regular and common traits of autism generally don't lend themselves well in social environments. For example, in psychology, people who don't make a lot of eye contact are seen as more mistrustful. Being distracted, blunt and not showing all of those common signs of attraction are obviously going to get in the way of finding a date and having a long term relationship. Being aware of what goes on below the scenes and taking things a little bit slow at the start is probably the best thing to do if you're thinking of dating an autistic person. A lot of people don't get the best impression of us because of these differences in the way that we communicate and the ways that we don't particularly understand social interactions. So looking past that and seeing us for who we are and what we stand for is a great thing to do. So that just about wraps up this nice little video in the next episode of the Dating an Autistic series. We're going to be talking about how to plan and execute dates and holidays with an autistic partner. I just wanted to say thank you so much to anybody who is following this series. It's a little bit of a new one and I was kind of tentative about putting them out but it's had such a positive and nice reception from all of you guys so I really appreciate it. Thank you very much to Julian, Marks and Mull McCarty for supporting me on Patreon but of course Mr Patrick Veddy. I think I've said that right. I've said this in the last two videos that I've done but just please let me know Patrick. I don't want to say your name wrong. He's a gold subscriber and I honestly appreciate all the funding that's possible for these YouTube videos. I have to pay for subscriptions to get good music for my videos, good editing stuff and I'm also saving up for a camera so all of the money that I get from YouTube and Patreon which is very miniscule amount so far just goes straight back into the channel. So if you want to support me on Patreon maybe consider going over to that and if you want to stay updated with the life of Thomas what's going on in the Asperger's Grove channel then you can follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram under Asperger's Grove. Of course check out the Fortiotti podcast and the new documentary, I mean it's not really new anymore but the Asperger's Grove, Asperger's Grove, the Asperger's in Society documentary about the link between autism and mental health. There's a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes of that but one of the most important things is that it's been entered into the international documentary awards, the IDAs and I'm very excited to hear back from that. Got my fingers crossed for it. I will be told whether I'm shortlisted I think around mid-October so if you want to stay up to date with that stuff social media is the place to go. Yeah I will see you in the next episode of the Dating and Autistic series. See you later guys. Very cheesy outro, lots of cheese in it. I'm gonna get some cheese on toast. See you later folks. you